Let the devastation begin!
We find Lord Varys scribbling up a storm about Daenerys in his Burn Book.
Varys still doesn't think she's "likable" or "electable" enough to win
the 2020 Democratic primary the battle for the Iron Throne, so he tries to sell Jon on this whole ruling thing.
Varys: C'mon, dude! You'll get to sit on a cool chair!
Jon: It's a no from me, dawg. #ImWithHer.
Tyrion sees all the messy pot-stirring Varys is up to and snitches.
Tyrion: Hey, Queen D, I've got some breaking news!
Dany: Hmm, lemme guess. Some dude is betraying me again.
Tyrion: Oh, wow! How did you know?!
Dany: Patriarchy works in predictable ways.
Dany is officially done with everyone and everything, including under-eye concealer.
Back in his bedroom, Varys is plotting to fling photocopies of his Burn Book pages all over Westeros.
But before he gets the chance, Dany has him marched outside to be executed.
Moments before Varys meets his maker, Tyrion tells him, "It was me." Just like that time Melania Tr*mp plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech, Tyrion is copying someone else's homework:
Nice try, Tyrion, but Lady Olenna already has this phrase trademarked and merchandized.
But back to this execution. The last thing Varys sees is this:
In the most listless, bored tone I've ever heard, Dany instructs Drogon to torch Varys' ass and proves that she doesn't need some rude little book to burn her enemies.
Back inside, Dany lets Jon feel some heat too. WHAT 👏 DID 👏 I 👏 SAY 👏 WOULD 👏 HAPPEN 👏 IF 👏 YOU 👏 TOLD 👏 YOUR 👏 SISTER??? 👏
Jon tries to calm her down by declaring that she's still his queen and that he totally has the hots for her and doesn't in any way want to vom in his mouth when they make out now that he knows she's his aunt. After a pitiful round of tonsil hockey, Jon makes this face:
In that moment, Dany decides she's in the mood to butcher some innocents. Hell hath no fury like an auntie scorned.
The next day, news breaks that Jamie has been captured trying to rejoin #TeamCersei. Dany takes it out on the nearest Lannister: "The next time you fail me will be the last time you fail me." Harsh employee review, but the woman has a point. For a supposed genius, Tyrion has been wrong pretty much this entire series. Someone is in danger of getting fired from his position as the Hand of the Queen (and literally fired by Drogon too).
Outside the gates of King's Landing, some low-level employee stops Arya and Clegane from entering.
Low-Level Employee: Can I see your I.D.?
Arya: Sup, bro? I'm the girl who killed the Night King and the reason we’re all still alive. Let me through so I can kill Cersei real quick and no more fan favorites have to die.
Low-Level Employee: Ummm, I’m gonna have to talk to my manager.
Because Tyrion apparently has a death wish, he decides to continue his streak of fireable offenses. This time, it's freeing Jamie. Tyrion hopes that if Jamie and Cersei run off to live happily ever after with their twincest baby, everyone can just skip this whole war thing. Yeah, good luck with that.
Before parting, Tyrion thanks Jamie for being “the only one who didn’t treat me like a monster.” That sweet brother moment means that one of them is totally going to die very soon.
The next morning, Dany is sick of waiting to incinerate everyone so she takes Drogon out for a ride and promptly smokes Euron's entire fleet.
And all those stupid spear throwers.
And the city walls.
Dany's official statement on destroying all of Cersei's defenses in the matter of a few minutes:
Meanwhile, up in the Red Keep, a very delusional Cersei watches all the destruction below and thinks, This is fine.
Cersei: Well, I still have those dart thrower thingys!
Cersei's Creepy Personal Assistant: Actually, no.
Cersei: Well, Euron nailed Rhaegal harder than he nailed me the other night. He and his fleet got this!
Cersei's Creepy Personal Assistant: Uh, about that... Euron was blasted out of his boat and his entire fleet is at the bottom of the bay.
Down in the city, what remains of Cersei’s army decides they have had their fill of the smell of their burnt friends so they surrender. They ring the town's We-Give-Up-Please-Stop bells.
Dany takes a moment to take all of this in. King's Landing is finally hers! She's won! This is what she's been working so hard for since Season 1! And yet, the feeling is just meh and fails to live up to her pyro fantasies, so Dany decides to obliterate the entire town, block by block, for shits and giggles.
Meanwhile, on a beach below King's Landing, while Jamie preps his elope boat, Euron randomly walks out of the waves. They proceed to fight over Cersei and who has the bigger you-know-what. Euron gets a few stabs in, but Jamie’s love for his twin sister baby mama gives him the second wind he needs to take his sword and do this to Euron’s intestines:
Back in King's Landing, buildings are collapsing left and right and everything is on fire. Clegane convinces Arya to get out while she still can. She thanks him for everything and I may or may not tear up a little.
CleganeBowl, the brother showdown we've all been waiting for is finally upon us! The Hound and the Mountain trade jabs for a while, until the Hound stabs right through his brother's torso! But because the Mountain is a mutant or whatever, it's the equivalent of a medium gnarly paper cut.
The Mountain's headwear gets knocked off, revealing that he's been Darth Vader this whole time.
He proceeds to strip because this show is obsessed with showing us nipples.
The Mountain tries to crush the Hound's skull as he did to that hot bisexual dude from Dorne, but the Hound stabs him in the eye (Lyanna Mormont's impact!) and then decks him off the building and into the inferno below. You were a wild one, Clegane. Peace out.
Outside, Arya is having a very hard time not getting trampled to death like Simba's dad.
Cut to this harrowing moment:
Arya lives! Now, she just needs to get her butt back to Winterfell pronto. Nymeria, the dire wolf, can’t lose her mama on Mother’s Day!!!
Ugh, Arya's problems are still not over. A huge tower almost falls on her head!
She's been through enough! I feel bullied by the writers of this show!
Back in the castle, Jamie finds Cersei and they run to the tunnel that leads to their elope boat. But it's blocked by debris! Cersei sobs, "I want our baby to live."
YOU COULD HAVE SAID THAT LAST WEEK INSTEAD OF CHOPPING OFF MISSANDEI’S HEAD BUT NOOOOO.
Cersei continues moaning, "I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me die. I don’t like this!"
Hey, Cersei, you know who else didn’t “like this”? My girl Margaery Tyrell and all those other people you blew to smithereens in that church. Or Sansa's dire wolf, Lady, who you had killed way back when. Or pretty much 95% of the characters on this show that have been terrorized by you for eight seasons. Forgive me if I don't shed a tear for you.
As the ceiling above their heads crumbles, Jamie tells Cersei, "Nothing else matters. Only us." Then they are both crushed to death. I would have preferred if Arya did the honors, but this works too. Talk to y'all never!
Back in the streets, a traumatized, ash-covered Arya looks on in horror at all the Pompeii-ified remains of civilians. A random white horse is the only living thing in sight. Arya whispers to it, Can you believe this sh*t? and rides off to brainstorm which face she'll wear when she murders Dany in the series finale.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Game Of Thrones or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Les Miserables)!
'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love
'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire
'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On