Oh, and Bran weirded everyone out.
Most especially Jamie.
Jamie: Oh, sh*t! Is that the kid I threw out the window in episode 1 of this series?!
Who will Bran creep out next? Will Rhaegal and Drogon scream "You're not my real dad!!!!" at Jon in Dragonese? Will Jon scream "You're my real aunt!!!!" at Daenerys in English? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
We kick things off with the roast of Jamie Lannister. Everyone takes turns letting him know what a prick he used to be. The group could have simply flipped a coin to decide whether to gut him / poison him / let a dire wolf munch on his head, but this way is more fun.
Annoyed that Jamie has the audacity to show up after Cersei went back on her promise to send help, Daenerys lays into him: "I don't see an army. I see one man with one hand."
On the inside, Jamie is probably thinking, Again with the mono hand jokes?
But on the outside, he takes the joke in stride because being turned into a shish kebab for Rhaegal and Drogon doesn't go well with his plan to kind of, sort of flirt with Brienne until one or both of them die this season.
While Jamie tries to defend his past prickish ways, Bran blurts out, "The things we do for love." No one knows those are the exact words Jamie said right before pushing Bran out of a window back in the first season, so everyone just shrugs and feels awkward. (For anyone who was taking bets on how long it would take Bran to do something all-knowingly creepy, the winning guess is 3 minutes into the episode. Congrats!)
Just when it seems as though Jamie is about to meet his dearly departed hand in the afterlife, Brienne steps forward to vouch for him and manages to convince Sansa and company to spare his life. Oh, just make out already!
Down in the dragon glass factory, Arya undresses Gendry with her eyes.
Is it hot in here or are these two totally going to bone? I'm hoping the correct answer is both.
Outside by the bleeding tree, Winterfell's premier spot for heart-to-hearts, Jamie and Bran finally talk out their issues.
Jamie: Hey, my bad about throwing you out that window. It was Season 1! Things were crazier back then.
Bran: All is fair in love, war and twincest, I guess.
Jamie: Thanks for not snitching. Will you tell them after World War Z?
Bran: There's going to be an after? *stares creepily*
Later that day, Jamie finds Brienne on the training grounds and tells her that, although he's not a great fighter anymore, he wants to serve under her. That's not the only thing he's interested in doing under her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Upstairs, Daenerys decides to buck tradition and have a heart-to-heart with Sansa indoors instead of at the bleeding tree. The tension between them is still Real Housewives of Westeros-level thick.
Daenerys: I can't believe Tyrion fell for Cersei's trick.
Sansa: I can't believe you fell for Cersei's trick.
This is what it looks like when you're trying to swallow down the overwhelming urge to kill your boyfriend's sister.
Daenerys and Sansa manage to find something they agree on: families are complicated. Just like the Facebook relationship status Dany will post after Jon tells her she's his aunt.
Dany tries to find some more common ground with Sansa:
Daenerys: Women have to support other women! Hillary 2020, am I right?
Sansa: Elizabeth Warren 2020, actually. P.S. You'll have to wring the North out of my cold, dead, potentially White Walker hands after this is all over. Good talk!
At the main gate, back from surviving that little crucified zombie boy's attack last week, Tormund has one thing on his mind: "The big woman still here?"
I love that Brienne has hos in different area codes. Such swag!
That night, during a strategy session, everyone agrees that they probably won't stand a chance against the Night King. Even more of a reason for Tormund to shoot his shot. "We're all going to die," he tells the room (but mostly Brienne), "but at least we die together!😉" Morbid but hot.
After the meeting is over, everyone turns in for the night. Dany gives Jon bedroom eyes, but he pulls one of these:
Sorry not sorry, auntie.
The next morning, Missandei greets two little girls, only for them to be racist AF.
Grey Worm shows up to commiserate and they make a pact to move somewhere pro-melanin after this is all over. And I make a pact to cackle really loudly if the Night King snatches those two little brats. When you do racism, the racism comes back to bite!
OMG, ring the alarm! Ghost, Jon's dire wolf, is back!
Welcome home, buddy!
Unrelated, but related side-note: I cannot wait for Arya's dire wolf, Nymeria, to save the day when we least expect it.
Inside, Tormund, Brienne, Jamie, Tyrion and others sit by a fireplace, get tanked on wine and ponder their imminent demises. Tormund makes heart eyes at Brienne while drinking out of a very large, very phallic horn. Not one for subtlety, Tormund takes it a step further and says, "They call me Giantsbane. Want to know why?"
Turns out his nickname has nothing to do with Lil Tormund and everything to do with this time he killed a giant at the age of 10, slept with the giant's wife and then proceeded to suckle at her teet for three months. My feelings on this can be best expressed via Jamie and Tyrion's WTF faces:
The theme of being cooped up and horny continues downstairs, where Arya interrogates Gendry about his sexual history. After getting Gendry to cough up his number of partners (three), Arya is like, Cool. Wanna boogie down with a fourth? Because there's no way I'm going to die a virgin.
They proceed to bone.
Back upstairs, Tormund continues to give me reasons to love him.
Brienne: "Women can’t be knights."
Tormund: "Why not?"
Tormund: "F*ck tradition!"
We stan a feminist wildling! And he's not done with his charm offensive either!
Tormund: "I’m no king, but if I were, I’d knight you ten times over."
I know I already used this gif earlier for Brienne and Jamie, but, considering they all might be dead soon, I want Brienne to make out with all the boys (and girls?) she wants.
Not to be outdone, Jamie announces that it doesn't take a king to knight someone; a knight can do it too. Jamie proceeds to knight Brienne as she quietly cries. Tormund wildly applauds nearby. If there ever was a compelling argument for a threesome, this is it! I haven't been this invested in a love triangle since Felicity, Ben and Noel.
The following day, Jorah approaches Lady Mormont and tries to adultsplain why she should go down in the crypt and hide with the other children before the battle begins. Lady Mormont responds by essentially telling him:
Meanwhile, down in the crypt, Dany finds Jon staring at a statue of Lyanna Stark.
Dany: Hey, boo! What are you up to?
Jon: Just looking at a statue of my mom.
Dany: But that would make us...
Dany: Which would make you the rightful...
Jon: Yup again.
Outside, the Night King and his zombie friends roll up on Winterfell, ready to kill at least 90% of our faves.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Game Of Thrones or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Les Miserables)!