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"disqusTitle": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Finale Recap: Nevermind The End",
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"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Varys got his butt torched for writing mean things about Dany in his Burn Book:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111779\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fugly-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany stopped wearing under eye concealer\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111782\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1200x667.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1920x1067.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM.png 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/maybe-shes-born-with-it-trixie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon Snow didn't help matters by making this unconvincing face after making out with Dany:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111790\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Completely over everything and everyone, Dany Pompeii'd the F out of King's Landing in a matter of minutes with little to no effort.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-like-its-hard.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From her balcony, Cersei was in intense denial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until she wasn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/uh-oh-jim-carrey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"285\" height=\"285\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cersei whimpered \"I don't like this!\" before being murdered by a bunch of random rocks. We were robbed of Arya doing the honors, but I guess we should cut her some slack because she was very busy trying not to be turned to ash.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-be-dead-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, this is it! The last episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> we'll ever see! I hope you pre-gamed like Janelle Monae:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/JanelleMonae/status/1130234329110597632\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Are you as excited as Kenny G?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.twitter.com/kennyg/status/1130110910293532672\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What unearned plot twist will the \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> writers force on us this time? Let the devastation and Twitter ranting begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">We find Tyrion walking through King’s Landing (or what’s left of it) and averting his eyes from all the extra crispy women and children sprawled all over the place. Varys’ neutered ghost wails overhead, \u003cem>TOLD YA SO!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Speaking of penis-less people, Greyworm is busy executing the handful of survivors from Cersei’s army. Jon and Davos are like, \u003cem>My dude, please have a modicum of chill! We won!\u003c/em> Greyworm is like, \u003cem>Good talk, but nah!\u003c/em> And slits a soldier’s throat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, Tyrion takes a torch and heads down to the castle’s crypt to see if all your theories about Cersei somehow still being alive are true. It doesn’t take him long to find Jamie’s golden hand peeking out of some rocks. 100% dead. And so is Cersei. So her death really was that unsatisfying. Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, in front of all the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers, Dany makes quite the entrance that says, \u003cem>Not only am I a queen, I’m also a drama queen.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dany-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany thanks all the troops for being ride or die and tells them to get ready for some more bloodshed because they're not done slaying, I mean \"liberating,\" innocents. She’s planning a field trip to Winterfell (stop feeding Ramsey's dogs now, Sansa!) and elsewhere to make sure everyone knows who’s the boss (hint: it's not Tony Danza).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Tyrion starts walking up behind Dany. OMG, is he gonna stab her??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-103964\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/06/90210-popcorn-eating-gif-andrea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! But he does slice her with some words: “You slaughtered a city.” He takes off his cute little Hand Of The Queen broach and throws it down a bunch of steps!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111975\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/BROach-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So much better than a mic drop! Dany has him seized. Even if she kills him, that is a boss way to go out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon watches Fascist Dany from the sidelines and thinks, \u003cem>Damn, I knew she would take me dumping her kind of hard, but this is really next level!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Out of nowhere, Arya, the undisputed GOAT of \u003cem>GoT,\u003c/em> appears to tell Jon, \u003cem>Didn’t I say your girlfriend was cray cray banaynay??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">I really hope Arya survives long enough to return to Winterfell and tell Sansa about all this craziness. I agree with the following Twitter user that the gossip session will begin like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/MrFlyyyGuyyy/status/1127769121318428672\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Later, Jon visits Tyrion in his holding cell and the conversation doesn't go the way Tyrion imagined it would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>OK, that was nuts, amirite or amirite???\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Well, she had her reasons. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>WTF?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>They cut off her BFF’s head! And they did Rhaegal dirty too, so I can see why...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111943\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/snap-out-of-it-cher.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"238\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tyrion's last-ditch effort is reminding Jon that Sansa is too much of a badass to bend the knee. Does he really want to see her burnt to a crisp? Jon throws Tyrion one of these ¯\\_(\u003cspan class=\"s1\">ツ\u003c/span>)_/¯ and walks out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, Jon is making his way to Dany when there’s a shift under the ashes. It’s Drogon waking up from a well-deserved nap (his throat must be so tired from committing all that genocide). Drogon is about to do some more killing until he realizes \u003cem>Oh, it’s just my stepdad. Carry on.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Inside, Jon walks in on Dany touching the Iron Throne for the first time while singing, \"FINALLY IT’S HAPPENED TO ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk8mm1Qmt-Y\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">He interrupts her tune by screaming, \u003cem>YOU KILLED LOTS AND LOTS OF CHILDREN!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Her response: \u003cem>That’s not a lyric from this song. You’re so random! Anyway, isn’t this great?? We get to rule together now. This is how the story was always supposed to end and isn't in any way a very rushed botch job by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon agrees and they make out. And then he sticks something in her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Get your mind out of the gutter! It’s a knife!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Blood pours out of Dany's nose and mouth and, just like that, her brief reign of terror is officially over.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Huh. Well, that was underwhelming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111944\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1920x1280.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">At least she didn't go out because of a little infection like Khal Drogo, but still.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Sensing something amiss, Drogon rolls up on Jon with a quickness. He nudges his mommy, but she doesn’t move. Who needs a live-action \u003cem>Lion King\u003c/em> when we have this scene?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/simba-you-gotta-get-up.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I don't know about y'all, but this has me all the way in my feelings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Drogon looks at Jon like, \u003cem>Really, dude?! I knew my mom shouldn't have dated you!! \u003c/em>He gets his throat flames ready and lets them rip!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But he aims for the Iron Throne instead, melting it all the way down, as if to say, \u003cem>Can y’all humans chill now that the ugly ass chair is gone??? Ok great. I’m taking this btw.\u003c/em> Drogon grabs his mommy and flies away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sad-wilfred-doctor-who-crying-old-man-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"147\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">I love you, Drogon! Here’s hoping the only thing you ever have to toast again are s’mores.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Time passes. Greyworm brings a heavily bearded Tyrion outside to a panel of people. Arya is there! Sansa too! Gendry, Yara, Brienne and other VIPs! But we need to pause real quick and recognize one guest in particular. This guy:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111946\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-9.17.36-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"710\" height=\"872\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-9.17.36-PM.png 710w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-9.17.36-PM-160x197.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 710px) 100vw, 710px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's a grown-up version of this mama's boy:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111947\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He aged, Neville Longbottom style! Turns out being breastfed until you're in your teens makes you hot. Who knew?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the actual plot...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Greyworm refuses to bring Jon out from his cell and Yara agrees that Jon must be brutally punished for sticking a knife in Dany's heart. Arya has some thoughts about that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"Say another word about killing my brother and I'll cut your throat.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Go off, sis!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yara knows she's no match for Arya so she promptly shuts the F up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tyrion tells them they need to elect a new ruler to make these kinds of decisions. A random dude none of us remember decides to embody the overconfidence of mediocre white men everywhere by nominating himself. Sansa quickly sets him straight with three words: \"Please sit down.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111948\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/sit-down-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>CROWN HER ALREADY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite being wrong about pretty much everything this entire series, Tyrion decides to give another TedTalk that no one asked for. He believes the ruler should be the person with the best story.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, so Arya then. She trained with the best killers around and became faceless and blind. She killed the Night King without any backup. She had sex with Gendry one single time and had him proposing before the night was over. Best story, hands down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait, what was that? For some reason, I just heard Tyrion say Bran.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111949\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"208\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Socially awkward Bran? The one who creeps everyone out and always talks like he just took a huge hit from a bong? That Bran??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111953\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/choices-tati-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I never saw this coming because it's such a dumb ending, but I guess I should have known, considering the trajectory of this season. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why is everyone listening to Tyrion anyway?! He's a prisoner! He snitched on his best friend and got him torched just last week! And he's part of the reason why King's Landing is a ruin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sansa is the first to say, \u003cem>Hey, everyone. This is a dumb idea!\u003c/em> But everyone goes along with it because the writers of this show are just making things up on the fly at this point. Sansa is like, \u003cem>Ok fine, my weirdo baby bro can be king, but Winterfell is Winterfexitting from the kingdom. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is decided that Jon won't be put to death but will be exiled to the Night Watch forever and disallowed from ever having sex again. Tyrion, on the other hand, gets to become the Hand of the King.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111950\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/that-is-so-stupid.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"123\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As he's being taken back up North, Jon pauses to say goodbye to Sansa, Arya and Bran. Arya tears up because she probably won't see him again. You see, she's going to sail out west to discover—and I guess colonize?—whatever is out there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111951\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/colbert-facepalm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"239\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the castle, Brienne sits down, looking through a book full of lords’ life stories. She finds Jamie's page and starts writing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cem>A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Actually, no. What she really writes is a very revisionist, d*ckmatized version of events. This is supposed to be sweet, I think, but I'm just annoyed they've reduced this amazing character to just someone who has a crush on Jamie Lannister.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/eyeroll-drink-nicole-richie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There's a whole long scene involving Bronn (why did he survive?), Sam (again, why did he survive?), Tyrion and the other members of Bran's cabinet arguing about how to rebuild the kingdom. At this point, I can't even pretend to care. I'm sure they'll figure it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Up north, Jon arrives at the Wall and Tormund is there to greet him. At least these two can be BFFs until they're old and grey. This is one of the only things I like about this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a second! There's something I like even more than that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>JON SEES GHOST AND ACTUALLY PETS HIM THIS TIME!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111952\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/boop-got-ghost.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now, a montage of all the Stark kids getting their own spinoff shows. Sansa is flexing like the queen she is in Winterfell. Arya is doing that arms-spread \u003cem>Titanic\u003c/em> pose on some boat. Bran is... being Bran. And Jon follows a procession of wildlings into the woods until everything fades to black.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. So that was the end of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>, huh? My feelings on how the writers decided to end this once-upon-a-time wonderful show can best be expressed with the following six-second clip:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grIOioq5DdQ\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That's all, folks! It's been a pleasure watching along with you. If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111777/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-5-recap-hells-bells\">'Game of Throne' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need someone to process that choice of an ending with? This recap has your back!",
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"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Finale Recap: Nevermind The End | KQED",
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"headline": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Finale Recap: Nevermind The End",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, Varys got his butt torched for writing mean things about Dany in his Burn Book:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111779\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fugly-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany stopped wearing under eye concealer\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111782\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1200x667.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1920x1067.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM.png 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/maybe-shes-born-with-it-trixie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon Snow didn't help matters by making this unconvincing face after making out with Dany:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111790\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Completely over everything and everyone, Dany Pompeii'd the F out of King's Landing in a matter of minutes with little to no effort.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-like-its-hard.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>From her balcony, Cersei was in intense denial.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until she wasn't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/uh-oh-jim-carrey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"285\" height=\"285\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cersei whimpered \"I don't like this!\" before being murdered by a bunch of random rocks. We were robbed of Arya doing the honors, but I guess we should cut her some slack because she was very busy trying not to be turned to ash.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-be-dead-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, this is it! The last episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> we'll ever see! I hope you pre-gamed like Janelle Monae:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Are you as excited as Kenny G?\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>What unearned plot twist will the \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> writers force on us this time? Let the devastation and Twitter ranting begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">We find Tyrion walking through King’s Landing (or what’s left of it) and averting his eyes from all the extra crispy women and children sprawled all over the place. Varys’ neutered ghost wails overhead, \u003cem>TOLD YA SO!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Speaking of penis-less people, Greyworm is busy executing the handful of survivors from Cersei’s army. Jon and Davos are like, \u003cem>My dude, please have a modicum of chill! We won!\u003c/em> Greyworm is like, \u003cem>Good talk, but nah!\u003c/em> And slits a soldier’s throat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, Tyrion takes a torch and heads down to the castle’s crypt to see if all your theories about Cersei somehow still being alive are true. It doesn’t take him long to find Jamie’s golden hand peeking out of some rocks. 100% dead. And so is Cersei. So her death really was that unsatisfying. Wow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, in front of all the remaining Unsullied and Dothraki soldiers, Dany makes quite the entrance that says, \u003cem>Not only am I a queen, I’m also a drama queen.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dany-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany thanks all the troops for being ride or die and tells them to get ready for some more bloodshed because they're not done slaying, I mean \"liberating,\" innocents. She’s planning a field trip to Winterfell (stop feeding Ramsey's dogs now, Sansa!) and elsewhere to make sure everyone knows who’s the boss (hint: it's not Tony Danza).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Tyrion starts walking up behind Dany. OMG, is he gonna stab her??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-103964\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/06/90210-popcorn-eating-gif-andrea.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! But he does slice her with some words: “You slaughtered a city.” He takes off his cute little Hand Of The Queen broach and throws it down a bunch of steps!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111975\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/BROach-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So much better than a mic drop! Dany has him seized. Even if she kills him, that is a boss way to go out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon watches Fascist Dany from the sidelines and thinks, \u003cem>Damn, I knew she would take me dumping her kind of hard, but this is really next level!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Out of nowhere, Arya, the undisputed GOAT of \u003cem>GoT,\u003c/em> appears to tell Jon, \u003cem>Didn’t I say your girlfriend was cray cray banaynay??\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">I really hope Arya survives long enough to return to Winterfell and tell Sansa about all this craziness. I agree with the following Twitter user that the gossip session will begin like this:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Later, Jon visits Tyrion in his holding cell and the conversation doesn't go the way Tyrion imagined it would.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>OK, that was nuts, amirite or amirite???\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Well, she had her reasons. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>WTF?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>They cut off her BFF’s head! And they did Rhaegal dirty too, so I can see why...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111943\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/snap-out-of-it-cher.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"238\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tyrion's last-ditch effort is reminding Jon that Sansa is too much of a badass to bend the knee. Does he really want to see her burnt to a crisp? Jon throws Tyrion one of these ¯\\_(\u003cspan class=\"s1\">ツ\u003c/span>)_/¯ and walks out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, Jon is making his way to Dany when there’s a shift under the ashes. It’s Drogon waking up from a well-deserved nap (his throat must be so tired from committing all that genocide). Drogon is about to do some more killing until he realizes \u003cem>Oh, it’s just my stepdad. Carry on.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Inside, Jon walks in on Dany touching the Iron Throne for the first time while singing, \"FINALLY IT’S HAPPENED TO ME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!\"\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/xk8mm1Qmt-Y'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/xk8mm1Qmt-Y'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp class=\"p1\">He interrupts her tune by screaming, \u003cem>YOU KILLED LOTS AND LOTS OF CHILDREN!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Her response: \u003cem>That’s not a lyric from this song. You’re so random! Anyway, isn’t this great?? We get to rule together now. This is how the story was always supposed to end and isn't in any way a very rushed botch job by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon agrees and they make out. And then he sticks something in her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Get your mind out of the gutter! It’s a knife!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Blood pours out of Dany's nose and mouth and, just like that, her brief reign of terror is officially over.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Huh. Well, that was underwhelming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111944\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone-1920x1280.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/meh-gravstone.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">At least she didn't go out because of a little infection like Khal Drogo, but still.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Sensing something amiss, Drogon rolls up on Jon with a quickness. He nudges his mommy, but she doesn’t move. Who needs a live-action \u003cem>Lion King\u003c/em> when we have this scene?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/simba-you-gotta-get-up.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I don't know about y'all, but this has me all the way in my feelings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-102001\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/jujubee-eyelash-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Drogon looks at Jon like, \u003cem>Really, dude?! I knew my mom shouldn't have dated you!! \u003c/em>He gets his throat flames ready and lets them rip!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But he aims for the Iron Throne instead, melting it all the way down, as if to say, \u003cem>Can y’all humans chill now that the ugly ass chair is gone??? Ok great. I’m taking this btw.\u003c/em> Drogon grabs his mommy and flies away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sad-wilfred-doctor-who-crying-old-man-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"147\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">I love you, Drogon! Here’s hoping the only thing you ever have to toast again are s’mores.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Time passes. Greyworm brings a heavily bearded Tyrion outside to a panel of people. Arya is there! Sansa too! Gendry, Yara, Brienne and other VIPs! But we need to pause real quick and recognize one guest in particular. This guy:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111946\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-9.17.36-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"710\" height=\"872\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-9.17.36-PM.png 710w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-9.17.36-PM-160x197.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 710px) 100vw, 710px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's a grown-up version of this mama's boy:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111947\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/robin-arryn.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He aged, Neville Longbottom style! Turns out being breastfed until you're in your teens makes you hot. Who knew?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the actual plot...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Greyworm refuses to bring Jon out from his cell and Yara agrees that Jon must be brutally punished for sticking a knife in Dany's heart. Arya has some thoughts about that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"Say another word about killing my brother and I'll cut your throat.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Go off, sis!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Yara knows she's no match for Arya so she promptly shuts the F up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tyrion tells them they need to elect a new ruler to make these kinds of decisions. A random dude none of us remember decides to embody the overconfidence of mediocre white men everywhere by nominating himself. Sansa quickly sets him straight with three words: \"Please sit down.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111948\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/sit-down-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>CROWN HER ALREADY!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite being wrong about pretty much everything this entire series, Tyrion decides to give another TedTalk that no one asked for. He believes the ruler should be the person with the best story.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, so Arya then. She trained with the best killers around and became faceless and blind. She killed the Night King without any backup. She had sex with Gendry one single time and had him proposing before the night was over. Best story, hands down.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait, what was that? For some reason, I just heard Tyrion say Bran.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111949\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"208\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Socially awkward Bran? The one who creeps everyone out and always talks like he just took a huge hit from a bong? That Bran??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111953\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/choices-tati-drag-race.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I never saw this coming because it's such a dumb ending, but I guess I should have known, considering the trajectory of this season. Yikes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Why is everyone listening to Tyrion anyway?! He's a prisoner! He snitched on his best friend and got him torched just last week! And he's part of the reason why King's Landing is a ruin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sansa is the first to say, \u003cem>Hey, everyone. This is a dumb idea!\u003c/em> But everyone goes along with it because the writers of this show are just making things up on the fly at this point. Sansa is like, \u003cem>Ok fine, my weirdo baby bro can be king, but Winterfell is Winterfexitting from the kingdom. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is decided that Jon won't be put to death but will be exiled to the Night Watch forever and disallowed from ever having sex again. Tyrion, on the other hand, gets to become the Hand of the King.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111950\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/that-is-so-stupid.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"123\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As he's being taken back up North, Jon pauses to say goodbye to Sansa, Arya and Bran. Arya tears up because she probably won't see him again. You see, she's going to sail out west to discover—and I guess colonize?—whatever is out there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111951\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/colbert-facepalm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"239\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the castle, Brienne sits down, looking through a book full of lords’ life stories. She finds Jamie's page and starts writing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cem>A scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Actually, no. What she really writes is a very revisionist, d*ckmatized version of events. This is supposed to be sweet, I think, but I'm just annoyed they've reduced this amazing character to just someone who has a crush on Jamie Lannister.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/eyeroll-drink-nicole-richie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There's a whole long scene involving Bronn (why did he survive?), Sam (again, why did he survive?), Tyrion and the other members of Bran's cabinet arguing about how to rebuild the kingdom. At this point, I can't even pretend to care. I'm sure they'll figure it out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Up north, Jon arrives at the Wall and Tormund is there to greet him. At least these two can be BFFs until they're old and grey. This is one of the only things I like about this episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wait a second! There's something I like even more than that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>JON SEES GHOST AND ACTUALLY PETS HIM THIS TIME!!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111952\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/boop-got-ghost.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now, a montage of all the Stark kids getting their own spinoff shows. Sansa is flexing like the queen she is in Winterfell. Arya is doing that arms-spread \u003cem>Titanic\u003c/em> pose on some boat. Bran is... being Bran. And Jon follows a procession of wildlings into the woods until everything fades to black.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wow. So that was the end of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>, huh? My feelings on how the writers decided to end this once-upon-a-time wonderful show can best be expressed with the following six-second clip:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/grIOioq5DdQ'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/grIOioq5DdQ'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>That's all, folks! It's been a pleasure watching along with you. If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111777/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-5-recap-hells-bells\">'Game of Throne' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Les Miserables' Episode 5 Recap: He's Just Not That Into You",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 5 Recap: He's Just Not That Into You",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111562/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-4-recap-like-a-virgin\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111562/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-4-recap-like-a-virgin\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>a teen Cosette was scandalized by her friends talking about wanting to have sex with their cousins:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-is-sex-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A nun rocked our worlds by rocking the fly-est headware ever:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111567\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"752\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg 752w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis-160x95.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 752px) 100vw, 752px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert tried to be a fashion influencer too and failed spectacularly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111570\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg 434w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis-160x143.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 434px) 100vw, 434px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Olivia Colman and her rotten family reemerged:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqVMhN-Yit4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inspiring Jean Valjean to go from this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111568\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-jean-happy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111594\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-fuck-with-me-fellas.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"463\" height=\"260\">\u003cbr>\nWill Javert finally catch up with Jean Valjean? Will Cosette and Marius lose their V cards? Will Olivia Colman and her husband die in a very painful way while I watch, smiling and eating popcorn? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Surprise! Everyone in Paris is still miserable and poor! We, the viewers, are tired of it, and so are the characters themselves. Shouts of revolution rise up in the streets, as a man tacks up Wanted posters starring our guy, Jean Valjean.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111901\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1016\" height=\"464\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM.png 1016w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM-768x351.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1016px) 100vw, 1016px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As far as mugshots go, I think Jean looks great!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It could've been a lot worse, as Nick Nolte can attest:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111902\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/8d93683b236280b6412de0c5d067c3c8-funny-mugshots-celebrity-mugshots.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"236\" height=\"247\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/8d93683b236280b6412de0c5d067c3c8-funny-mugshots-celebrity-mugshots.jpg 236w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/8d93683b236280b6412de0c5d067c3c8-funny-mugshots-celebrity-mugshots-160x167.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 236px) 100vw, 236px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at police headquarters, Javert is still barking about finding and punishing Jean Valjean. His officers are like, \u003cem>Cute vendetta or whatever, but shouldn't we focus on squelching this burgeoning revolution instead? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert doesn't care about the people rising up to overthrow the monarchy; he wants Jean Valjean in chains and he wants it now!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38959\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Jean Valjean is across town minding his own business and thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a prison cell mosh pit from hell, Olivia Colman isn't having a very good day:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111904\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/olivia-colman-les-mis-jail.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I think I speak for all of us when I say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111905\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/its-what-she-deserves-kim-kardashian-smile-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"331\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Mr. Colman has already managed to escape.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/no-god-please-no-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"196\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because nothing good can ever happen on this show, Mr. Colman and some of his remaining goons plan on a home invasion to get even with Jean Valjean. Cut to Jean Valjean announcing that he's going on a little getaway for a few days and leaving Cosette home alone!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111906\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/home-alone-screan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Cosette hears rustling outside her bedroom window. If this turns into a rape scene, I am no longer recapping this show. I mean it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/no-i-wont-do-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"378\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, it's just Marius leaving some very bad poetry for Cosette.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Shall I put my tongue in thy mouth?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Cosette doesn't get out much, she is bowled over by his verse. The next day, she waits for him in the garden and, upon seeing him, says, \"What's the matter? I can't feel...\" and promptly faints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111914\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/wendy-williams-faint.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Virgins are something else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the center of town, Olivia Colman's youngest son (we'll call him Lil Colman) does a little pick-pocketing and uses the money to buy some bread for two orphans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/bread-loaf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"207\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Random, but nice!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Lil Colman's sister, Wall Finger (are there no other people in this town?!), watches Marius break into Cosette's property by slipping through a wonky party of the perimeter fence. \"So that's how you do it!\" she says to herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two thoughts for her:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>YOU BETTER NOT TELL YOUR TRIFLING DAD!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>You really should read this book:\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"349\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png 740w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM-160x164.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 340px) 100vw, 340px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speak of the devil, Mr. Colman and his Goon Squad show up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111917\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/get-out-of-my-life-napoleon-dynamite.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"469\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wall Finger tells them to scram. When they refuse, she screams loud enough to alert a neighborhood dog. Okay, I owe someone an apology. My bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/i-was-wrong.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"432\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other side of the wall, Cosette tells Marius that Jean has returned and plans on moving her to England, where hopefully people aren't so miserable. Cosette and Marius vow to find a way to stay together because hanging out for a collective 6 minutes in the 19th century was engagement territory back then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Wall Finger knocks on Jean's window and lets him know he should GTFO if he doesn't want to have to Hulk out on her dad and his friends again. I'm proud of Wall Finger for continuing to prove me wrong! Sure, part of her reason for warning Jean is keeping Cosette and Marius apart, but there are other British fish in the sea! Cosette will be fine! Get out while y'all still can! I can't take much more of this stress!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111919\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/drink-wine-stressed-anxious.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's been a minute since we've seen Marius' grandfather. Let's check in to see how he's doing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-1020x464.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"291\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-1020x464.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-800x364.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-768x349.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-1200x546.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM.png 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Aw, he got a makeover! Look at those threads!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's smiling because Marius has returned! But his smile doesn't last long. When Marius asks for permission to marry Cosette (slow your roll; you don't even know her zodiac sign yet!), Grandpa suggests putting Cosette in a nice apartment and keeping her as a mistress f**k buddy (which reminds me that we never got to see karma catch up with Cosette's dad, Felix, grrrrr). Marius is outraged and storms out, leaving Grandpa to cry all over his cute new outfit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Cosette writes Marius a love letter letting him know the address of the new apartment she and Jean are moving to for safety (sure, put that in writing and leave it outside for Javert or Mr. Colman to find; did those nuns not teach her anything?!). Wall Finger immediately intercepts Cosette's letter. Like Javert, this girl really needs to get a hobby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111324\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-have-to-get-a-hobby-rhony-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, the revolution has begun. Soldiers are getting rocked and dragged (literally):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111930\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-rock.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius' revolutionary friends set up a barricade next to a pub, cause if you're planning on being blown to bits, might as well enjoy yummy cocktails while you're at it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111924\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/julia-louis-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"512\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert goes undercover with the revolutionaries, not to foil their plan, but to find Jean Valjean. Give it a rest!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111325\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-life-loser-ramona-rhony.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all the violence in the streets, Cosette tries to go out and find Marius because dumb virgins gonna dumb virgin. Thankfully, Jean Valjean stops her just in time, only to be rewarded with an \"I HATE YOU!!!\" Fantine's ghost is shaking her heard in heaven right now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Jean and Cosette's old apartment, Marius thinks Cosette is already in England and screams her name, while Wall Finger watches from behind a bush.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111925\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/kim-kardashian-peeking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"239\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wall Finger tries to make him feel better:\u003cem> So what if your girl bounced without saying goodbye; we can still have fun. Your friends are in a cul de sac waiting to die. Let's go hang with them before they're murdered in the streets as our first date!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius doesn't find this very romantic. \"I've lost everything. My life is over.\" Wall Finger hears this and thinks, \u003cem>So I still have a chance! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For real. I'm sure there is a French translation of this book. Please go to the nearest library and get it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"349\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png 740w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM-160x164.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 340px) 100vw, 340px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the barricade, Lil Colman sees Javert wearing an unconvincing \u003cem>I'm-poor-too\u003c/em> hat and tells the head revolutionary that he is literally the head of police. They immediately seize him and Javert continues being a broken record: \u003cem>WHERE IS HE? YOUR LEADER?!? JEAN VALJEAN! HE STOLE A PIECE OF BREAD 30 YEARS AGO! AHHHHH!!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sensing my overflowing annoyance with Javert, Lil Colman offers to shoot him with a huge grin on his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-can-i-shoot-him.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The grown-ups don't let him, but it's the thought that counts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, the army attacks the barricade and things aren't looking so good, until Marius arrives and threatens to blow himself and everyone else up unless the army retreats. They don't take him seriously until he makes these hilarious, crazy faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-weird-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-weird-face-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the army retreats, the revolutionaries are too busy cheering to notice the dying officer with his gun pointed right at Marius! He shoots! Marius is confused because he doesn't have a wound. That's when a voice comes from below. \u003cem>Yo! Down here, bleeding to death! It's me, Wall Finger!\u003c/em> She took the bullet for him!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wall Finger gives Marius Cosette's letter, asks for a kiss on the forehead, says \"I really did love you\" and then dies, unloved. A complicated hero. I stan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20661\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-75x75.gif 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius kisses her on the forehead and, one second later, thinks, \u003cem>Anyway! Cosette! Yayyyy! \u003c/em>He asks Lil Colman to take a letter to her that reads: \u003cem>Sup? Glad you're still in town. I'm probably about to die just cause, but if I survive, we should go on a real date or something!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Cosette can read it, the message is intercepted by Jean (don't these people know opening someone else's mail is a crime?!). Jean is mad that his sweet, dumb virgin daughter likes a boy, so he sets off for the barricade to beat him up or kill him, I guess. The only problem is that's where Javert is! Oh, and that whole army about to bomb the barricade off the map any minute thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111926\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-the-worst-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next time! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111562/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-4-recap-like-a-virgin\">'Les Miserables' Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need a laugh or two after this stressful episode? This recap has your back!",
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"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 5 Recap: He's Just Not That Into You | KQED",
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"headline": "'Les Miserables' Episode 5 Recap: He's Just Not That Into You",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111562/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-4-recap-like-a-virgin\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111562/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-4-recap-like-a-virgin\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>a teen Cosette was scandalized by her friends talking about wanting to have sex with their cousins:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-is-sex-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A nun rocked our worlds by rocking the fly-est headware ever:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111567\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"752\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg 752w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis-160x95.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 752px) 100vw, 752px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert tried to be a fashion influencer too and failed spectacularly:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111570\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg 434w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis-160x143.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 434px) 100vw, 434px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Olivia Colman and her rotten family reemerged:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/xqVMhN-Yit4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/xqVMhN-Yit4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Inspiring Jean Valjean to go from this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111568\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-jean-happy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111594\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-fuck-with-me-fellas.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"463\" height=\"260\">\u003cbr>\nWill Javert finally catch up with Jean Valjean? Will Cosette and Marius lose their V cards? Will Olivia Colman and her husband die in a very painful way while I watch, smiling and eating popcorn? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Surprise! Everyone in Paris is still miserable and poor! We, the viewers, are tired of it, and so are the characters themselves. Shouts of revolution rise up in the streets, as a man tacks up Wanted posters starring our guy, Jean Valjean.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111901\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1016\" height=\"464\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM.png 1016w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-17-at-2.10.10-PM-768x351.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1016px) 100vw, 1016px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As far as mugshots go, I think Jean looks great!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It could've been a lot worse, as Nick Nolte can attest:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111902\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/8d93683b236280b6412de0c5d067c3c8-funny-mugshots-celebrity-mugshots.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"236\" height=\"247\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/8d93683b236280b6412de0c5d067c3c8-funny-mugshots-celebrity-mugshots.jpg 236w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/8d93683b236280b6412de0c5d067c3c8-funny-mugshots-celebrity-mugshots-160x167.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 236px) 100vw, 236px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at police headquarters, Javert is still barking about finding and punishing Jean Valjean. His officers are like, \u003cem>Cute vendetta or whatever, but shouldn't we focus on squelching this burgeoning revolution instead? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert doesn't care about the people rising up to overthrow the monarchy; he wants Jean Valjean in chains and he wants it now!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38959\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/veruca-salt-i-want-it-now.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"343\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Jean Valjean is across town minding his own business and thinking:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111903\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a prison cell mosh pit from hell, Olivia Colman isn't having a very good day:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111904\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/olivia-colman-les-mis-jail.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I think I speak for all of us when I say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111905\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/its-what-she-deserves-kim-kardashian-smile-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"331\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Mr. Colman has already managed to escape.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/no-god-please-no-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"196\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because nothing good can ever happen on this show, Mr. Colman and some of his remaining goons plan on a home invasion to get even with Jean Valjean. Cut to Jean Valjean announcing that he's going on a little getaway for a few days and leaving Cosette home alone!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111906\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/home-alone-screan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Cosette hears rustling outside her bedroom window. If this turns into a rape scene, I am no longer recapping this show. I mean it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111907\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/no-i-wont-do-it.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"378\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, it's just Marius leaving some very bad poetry for Cosette.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Shall I put my tongue in thy mouth?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Cosette doesn't get out much, she is bowled over by his verse. The next day, she waits for him in the garden and, upon seeing him, says, \"What's the matter? I can't feel...\" and promptly faints.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111914\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/wendy-williams-faint.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Virgins are something else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the center of town, Olivia Colman's youngest son (we'll call him Lil Colman) does a little pick-pocketing and uses the money to buy some bread for two orphans.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111915\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/bread-loaf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"250\" height=\"207\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Random, but nice!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Lil Colman's sister, Wall Finger (are there no other people in this town?!), watches Marius break into Cosette's property by slipping through a wonky party of the perimeter fence. \"So that's how you do it!\" she says to herself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two thoughts for her:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>YOU BETTER NOT TELL YOUR TRIFLING DAD!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>You really should read this book:\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"349\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png 740w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM-160x164.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 340px) 100vw, 340px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speak of the devil, Mr. Colman and his Goon Squad show up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111917\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/get-out-of-my-life-napoleon-dynamite.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"469\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wall Finger tells them to scram. When they refuse, she screams loud enough to alert a neighborhood dog. Okay, I owe someone an apology. My bad!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111918\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/i-was-wrong.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"432\" height=\"320\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other side of the wall, Cosette tells Marius that Jean has returned and plans on moving her to England, where hopefully people aren't so miserable. Cosette and Marius vow to find a way to stay together because hanging out for a collective 6 minutes in the 19th century was engagement territory back then.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Wall Finger knocks on Jean's window and lets him know he should GTFO if he doesn't want to have to Hulk out on her dad and his friends again. I'm proud of Wall Finger for continuing to prove me wrong! Sure, part of her reason for warning Jean is keeping Cosette and Marius apart, but there are other British fish in the sea! Cosette will be fine! Get out while y'all still can! I can't take much more of this stress!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111919\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/drink-wine-stressed-anxious.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's been a minute since we've seen Marius' grandfather. Let's check in to see how he's doing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111921\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-1020x464.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"291\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-1020x464.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-800x364.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-768x349.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM-1200x546.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-18-at-10.56.42-PM.png 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Aw, he got a makeover! Look at those threads!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He's smiling because Marius has returned! But his smile doesn't last long. When Marius asks for permission to marry Cosette (slow your roll; you don't even know her zodiac sign yet!), Grandpa suggests putting Cosette in a nice apartment and keeping her as a mistress f**k buddy (which reminds me that we never got to see karma catch up with Cosette's dad, Felix, grrrrr). Marius is outraged and storms out, leaving Grandpa to cry all over his cute new outfit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Cosette writes Marius a love letter letting him know the address of the new apartment she and Jean are moving to for safety (sure, put that in writing and leave it outside for Javert or Mr. Colman to find; did those nuns not teach her anything?!). Wall Finger immediately intercepts Cosette's letter. Like Javert, this girl really needs to get a hobby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111324\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-have-to-get-a-hobby-rhony-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In town, the revolution has begun. Soldiers are getting rocked and dragged (literally):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111930\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-rock.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius' revolutionary friends set up a barricade next to a pub, cause if you're planning on being blown to bits, might as well enjoy yummy cocktails while you're at it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111924\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/julia-louis-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"512\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert goes undercover with the revolutionaries, not to foil their plan, but to find Jean Valjean. Give it a rest!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111325\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-life-loser-ramona-rhony.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite all the violence in the streets, Cosette tries to go out and find Marius because dumb virgins gonna dumb virgin. Thankfully, Jean Valjean stops her just in time, only to be rewarded with an \"I HATE YOU!!!\" Fantine's ghost is shaking her heard in heaven right now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Jean and Cosette's old apartment, Marius thinks Cosette is already in England and screams her name, while Wall Finger watches from behind a bush.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111925\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/kim-kardashian-peeking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"239\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wall Finger tries to make him feel better:\u003cem> So what if your girl bounced without saying goodbye; we can still have fun. Your friends are in a cul de sac waiting to die. Let's go hang with them before they're murdered in the streets as our first date!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius doesn't find this very romantic. \"I've lost everything. My life is over.\" Wall Finger hears this and thinks, \u003cem>So I still have a chance! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For real. I'm sure there is a French translation of this book. Please go to the nearest library and get it!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111916\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"340\" height=\"349\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM.png 740w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-19-at-2.46.39-PM-160x164.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 340px) 100vw, 340px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at the barricade, Lil Colman sees Javert wearing an unconvincing \u003cem>I'm-poor-too\u003c/em> hat and tells the head revolutionary that he is literally the head of police. They immediately seize him and Javert continues being a broken record: \u003cem>WHERE IS HE? YOUR LEADER?!? JEAN VALJEAN! HE STOLE A PIECE OF BREAD 30 YEARS AGO! AHHHHH!!!!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/veruca-salt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"272\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sensing my overflowing annoyance with Javert, Lil Colman offers to shoot him with a huge grin on his face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111933\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-can-i-shoot-him.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The grown-ups don't let him, but it's the thought that counts.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, the army attacks the barricade and things aren't looking so good, until Marius arrives and threatens to blow himself and everyone else up unless the army retreats. They don't take him seriously until he makes these hilarious, crazy faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111932\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-weird-face.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111931\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-weird-face-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the army retreats, the revolutionaries are too busy cheering to notice the dying officer with his gun pointed right at Marius! He shoots! Marius is confused because he doesn't have a wound. That's when a voice comes from below. \u003cem>Yo! Down here, bleeding to death! It's me, Wall Finger!\u003c/em> She took the bullet for him!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Wall Finger gives Marius Cosette's letter, asks for a kiss on the forehead, says \"I really did love you\" and then dies, unloved. A complicated hero. I stan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20661\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-75x75.gif 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius kisses her on the forehead and, one second later, thinks, \u003cem>Anyway! Cosette! Yayyyy! \u003c/em>He asks Lil Colman to take a letter to her that reads: \u003cem>Sup? Glad you're still in town. I'm probably about to die just cause, but if I survive, we should go on a real date or something!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Cosette can read it, the message is intercepted by Jean (don't these people know opening someone else's mail is a crime?!). Jean is mad that his sweet, dumb virgin daughter likes a boy, so he sets off for the barricade to beat him up or kill him, I guess. The only problem is that's where Javert is! Oh, and that whole army about to bomb the barricade off the map any minute thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111926\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-the-worst-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next time! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111562/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-4-recap-like-a-virgin\">'Les Miserables' Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, there was a lot of loss. Missandei lost her head, Brienne lost her V card and, with Rhaegal's senseless death, this gif I made at the beginning of the season lost its value.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Overall, the \u003cem>GoT\u003c/em> fandom has been dealing with a tsunami of emotions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111621\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/feels-waves-emotional.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And there are more feels where those came from, judging by these \u003cem>Ima-get-you\u003c/em> faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-means-war-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let the devastation begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Lord Varys scribbling up a storm about Daenerys in his Burn Book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111779\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fugly-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Varys still doesn't think she's \"likable\" or \"electable\" enough to win \u003cdel>the 2020 Democratic primary\u003c/del> the battle for the Iron Throne, so he tries to sell Jon on this whole ruling thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Varys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>C'mon, dude! You'll get to sit on a cool chair! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's a no from me, dawg. #ImWithHer.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tyrion sees all the messy pot-stirring Varys is up to and snitches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, Queen D, I've got some breaking news!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hmm, lemme guess. Some dude is betraying me again.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, wow! How did you know?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Patriarchy works in predictable ways. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany is officially done with everyone and everything, including under-eye concealer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111782\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1200x667.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1920x1067.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM.png 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/maybe-shes-born-with-it-trixie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in his bedroom, Varys is plotting to fling photocopies of his Burn Book pages all over Westeros.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/throw-paper-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But before he gets the chance, Dany has him marched outside to be executed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments before Varys meets his maker, Tyrion tells him, \"It was me.\" Just like that time Melania Tr*mp plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech, Tyrion is copying someone else's homework:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111787\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tell-cersei-i-want-her-to-know-it-was-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nice try, Tyrion, but Lady Olenna already has this phrase trademarked and merchandized.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/it-was-me-got-shirt.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/it-was-me-got-shirt.jpg 679w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/it-was-me-got-shirt-160x160.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But back to this execution. The last thing Varys sees is this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fml-got-varys-death.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the most listless, bored tone I've ever heard, Dany instructs Drogon to torch Varys' ass and proves that she doesn't need some rude little book to burn her enemies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61174\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back inside, Dany lets Jon feel some heat too. \u003cem>WHAT \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> DID \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> I \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> SAY \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> WOULD \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> HAPPEN \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span>\u003cspan class=\"Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>IF \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> YOU \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> TOLD \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> YOUR \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> SISTER??? \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon tries to calm her down by declaring that she's still his queen and that he totally has the hots for her and doesn't in any way want to vom in his mouth when they make out now that he knows she's his aunt. After a pitiful round of tonsil hockey, Jon makes this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111790\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In that moment, Dany decides she's in the mood to butcher some innocents. Hell hath no fury like an auntie scorned.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next day, news breaks that Jamie has been captured trying to rejoin #TeamCersei. Dany takes it out on the nearest Lannister: \"The next time you fail me will be the last time you fail me.\" Harsh employee review, but the woman has a point. For a supposed genius, Tyrion has been wrong pretty much this entire series. Someone is in danger of getting fired from his position as the Hand of the Queen (and literally fired by Drogon too).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside the gates of King's Landing, some low-level employee stops Arya and Clegane from entering.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Low-Level Employee:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Can I see your I.D.?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sup, bro? I'm the girl who killed the Night King and the reason we’re all still alive. Let me through so I can kill Cersei real quick and no more fan favorites have to die. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Low-Level Employee:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ummm, I’m gonna have to talk to my manager.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/facepalm-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Tyrion apparently has a death wish, he decides to continue his streak of fireable offenses. This time, it's freeing Jamie. Tyrion hopes that if Jamie and Cersei run off to live happily ever after with their twincest baby, everyone can just skip this whole war thing. Yeah, good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before parting, Tyrion thanks Jamie for being “the only one who didn’t treat me like a monster.” That sweet brother moment means that one of them is totally going to die very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Dany is sick of waiting to incinerate everyone so she takes Drogon out for a ride and promptly smokes Euron's entire fleet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/torch-ships-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And all those stupid spear throwers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/got-fire-spear.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And the city walls.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/gate-got-fire.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany's official statement on destroying all of Cersei's defenses in the matter of a few minutes:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-like-its-hard.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, up in the Red Keep, a very delusional Cersei watches all the destruction below and thinks, \u003cem>This is fine\u003c/em>.\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Well, I still have those dart thrower thingys!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei's Creepy Personal Assistant:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Actually, no.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Well, Euron nailed Rhaegal harder than he nailed me the other night. He and his fleet got this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei's Creepy Personal Assistant:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Uh, about that... Euron was blasted out of his boat and his entire fleet is at the bottom of the bay.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/uh-oh-jim-carrey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"285\" height=\"285\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the city, what remains of Cersei’s army decides they have had their fill of the smell of their burnt friends so they surrender. They ring the town's We-Give-Up-Please-Stop bells.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany takes a moment to take all of this in. King's Landing is finally hers! She's won! This is what she's been working so hard for since Season 1! And yet, the feeling is just meh and fails to live up to her pyro fantasies, so Dany decides to obliterate the entire town, block by block, for shits and giggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, on a beach below King's Landing, while Jamie preps his elope boat, Euron randomly walks out of the waves. They proceed to fight over Cersei and who has the bigger you-know-what. Euron gets a few stabs in, but Jamie’s love for his twin sister baby mama gives him the second wind he needs to take his sword and do this to Euron’s intestines:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/twist-spaghetti-fork.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in King's Landing, buildings are collapsing left and right and everything is on fire. Clegane convinces Arya to get out while she still can. She thanks him for everything and I may or may not tear up a little.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/not-crying-raining-on-my-fac.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">CleganeBowl, the brother showdown we've all been waiting for is finally upon us! The Hound and the Mountain trade jabs for a while, until the Hound stabs right through his brother's torso! But because the Mountain is a mutant or whatever, it's the equivalent of a medium gnarly paper cut.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The Mountain's headwear gets knocked off, revealing that he's been Darth Vader this whole time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/darth-vader-without-helmet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"512\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">He proceeds to strip because this show is obsessed with showing us nipples.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111801\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-bro.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The Mountain tries to crush the Hound's skull as he did to that hot bisexual dude from Dorne, but the Hound stabs him in the eye (Lyanna Mormont's impact!) and then decks him off the building and into the inferno below. You were a wild one, Clegane. Peace out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111441\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-rbg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, Arya is having a very hard time not getting trampled to death like Simba's dad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to this harrowing moment:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-be-dead-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Arya lives! Now, she just needs to get her butt back to Winterfell pronto. Nymeria, the dire wolf, can’t lose her mama on Mother’s Day!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, Arya's problems are still not over. A huge tower almost falls on her head!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101975\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oh-come-on-jim-carrey-liar-liar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"374\" height=\"379\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">She's been through enough! I feel bullied by the writers of this show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back in the castle, Jamie finds Cersei and they run to the tunnel that leads to their elope boat. But it's blocked by debris! Cersei sobs, \"I want our baby to live.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">YOU COULD HAVE SAID THAT LAST WEEK INSTEAD OF CHOPPING OFF MISSANDEI’S HEAD BUT NOOOOO.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Cersei continues moaning, \"I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me die. I don’t like this!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Hey, Cersei, you know who else didn’t “like this”? My girl Margaery Tyrell and all those other people you blew to smithereens in that church. Or Sansa's dire wolf, Lady, who you had killed way back when. Or pretty much 95% of the characters on this show that have been terrorized by you for eight seasons. Forgive me if I don't shed a tear for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107562\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ebony-antm-fake-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"164\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">As the ceiling above their heads crumbles, Jamie tells Cersei, \"Nothing else matters. Only us.\" Then they are both crushed to death. I would have preferred if Arya did the honors, but this works too. Talk to y'all never!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19742\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back in the streets, a traumatized, ash-covered Arya looks on in horror at all the Pompeii-ified remains of civilians. A random white horse is the only living thing in sight. Arya whispers to it, \u003cem>Can you believe this sh*t?\u003c/em> and rides off to brainstorm which face she'll wear when she murders Dany in the series finale.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need someone to process ALL OF THAT with? This recap has your back!",
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"description": "Need someone to process ALL OF THAT with? This recap has your back!",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells | KQED",
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"headline": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 5 Recap: Hells Bells",
"datePublished": "2019-05-12T23:44:24-07:00",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, there was a lot of loss. Missandei lost her head, Brienne lost her V card and, with Rhaegal's senseless death, this gif I made at the beginning of the season lost its value.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Overall, the \u003cem>GoT\u003c/em> fandom has been dealing with a tsunami of emotions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111621\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/feels-waves-emotional.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And there are more feels where those came from, judging by these \u003cem>Ima-get-you\u003c/em> faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-means-war-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let the devastation begin!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Lord Varys scribbling up a storm about Daenerys in his Burn Book.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111779\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fugly-slut.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"253\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Varys still doesn't think she's \"likable\" or \"electable\" enough to win \u003cdel>the 2020 Democratic primary\u003c/del> the battle for the Iron Throne, so he tries to sell Jon on this whole ruling thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Varys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>C'mon, dude! You'll get to sit on a cool chair! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>It's a no from me, dawg. #ImWithHer.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tyrion sees all the messy pot-stirring Varys is up to and snitches.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, Queen D, I've got some breaking news!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hmm, lemme guess. Some dude is betraying me again.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, wow! How did you know?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Patriarchy works in predictable ways. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany is officially done with everyone and everything, including under-eye concealer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111782\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"356\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1020x567.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-800x445.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-768x427.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1200x667.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1038x576.png 1038w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM-1920x1067.png 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/Screen-Shot-2019-05-12-at-6.14.17-PM.png 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111784\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/maybe-shes-born-with-it-trixie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"299\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98836\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/trixie-drag.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in his bedroom, Varys is plotting to fling photocopies of his Burn Book pages all over Westeros.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/throw-paper-mean-girls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But before he gets the chance, Dany has him marched outside to be executed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments before Varys meets his maker, Tyrion tells him, \"It was me.\" Just like that time Melania Tr*mp plagiarized Michelle Obama's speech, Tyrion is copying someone else's homework:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111787\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tell-cersei-i-want-her-to-know-it-was-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nice try, Tyrion, but Lady Olenna already has this phrase trademarked and merchandized.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111788\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/it-was-me-got-shirt.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/it-was-me-got-shirt.jpg 679w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/it-was-me-got-shirt-160x160.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But back to this execution. The last thing Varys sees is this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111789\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fml-got-varys-death.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the most listless, bored tone I've ever heard, Dany instructs Drogon to torch Varys' ass and proves that she doesn't need some rude little book to burn her enemies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-61174\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/01/ooh-burn-emma-stone.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"209\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back inside, Dany lets Jon feel some heat too. \u003cem>WHAT \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> DID \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> I \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> SAY \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> WOULD \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> HAPPEN \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span>\u003cspan class=\"Apple-converted-space\"> \u003c/span>IF \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> YOU \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> TOLD \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> YOUR \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span> SISTER??? \u003cspan class=\"s1\">👏\u003c/span>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon tries to calm her down by declaring that she's still his queen and that he totally has the hots for her and doesn't in any way want to vom in his mouth when they make out now that he knows she's his aunt. After a pitiful round of tonsil hockey, Jon makes this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111790\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-good.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In that moment, Dany decides she's in the mood to butcher some innocents. Hell hath no fury like an auntie scorned.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next day, news breaks that Jamie has been captured trying to rejoin #TeamCersei. Dany takes it out on the nearest Lannister: \"The next time you fail me will be the last time you fail me.\" Harsh employee review, but the woman has a point. For a supposed genius, Tyrion has been wrong pretty much this entire series. Someone is in danger of getting fired from his position as the Hand of the Queen (and literally fired by Drogon too).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside the gates of King's Landing, some low-level employee stops Arya and Clegane from entering.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Low-Level Employee:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Can I see your I.D.?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sup, bro? I'm the girl who killed the Night King and the reason we’re all still alive. Let me through so I can kill Cersei real quick and no more fan favorites have to die. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Low-Level Employee:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Ummm, I’m gonna have to talk to my manager.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109068\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/facepalm-judge-judy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Tyrion apparently has a death wish, he decides to continue his streak of fireable offenses. This time, it's freeing Jamie. Tyrion hopes that if Jamie and Cersei run off to live happily ever after with their twincest baby, everyone can just skip this whole war thing. Yeah, good luck with that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before parting, Tyrion thanks Jamie for being “the only one who didn’t treat me like a monster.” That sweet brother moment means that one of them is totally going to die very soon.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, Dany is sick of waiting to incinerate everyone so she takes Drogon out for a ride and promptly smokes Euron's entire fleet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111793\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/torch-ships-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And all those stupid spear throwers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111795\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/got-fire-spear.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And the city walls.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111794\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/gate-got-fire.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany's official statement on destroying all of Cersei's defenses in the matter of a few minutes:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111796\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-like-its-hard.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, up in the Red Keep, a very delusional Cersei watches all the destruction below and thinks, \u003cem>This is fine\u003c/em>.\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-is-fine-fire.jpg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Well, I still have those dart thrower thingys!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei's Creepy Personal Assistant:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Actually, no.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Well, Euron nailed Rhaegal harder than he nailed me the other night. He and his fleet got this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei's Creepy Personal Assistant:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Uh, about that... Euron was blasted out of his boat and his entire fleet is at the bottom of the bay.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111791\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/uh-oh-jim-carrey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"285\" height=\"285\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the city, what remains of Cersei’s army decides they have had their fill of the smell of their burnt friends so they surrender. They ring the town's We-Give-Up-Please-Stop bells.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany takes a moment to take all of this in. King's Landing is finally hers! She's won! This is what she's been working so hard for since Season 1! And yet, the feeling is just meh and fails to live up to her pyro fantasies, so Dany decides to obliterate the entire town, block by block, for shits and giggles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, on a beach below King's Landing, while Jamie preps his elope boat, Euron randomly walks out of the waves. They proceed to fight over Cersei and who has the bigger you-know-what. Euron gets a few stabs in, but Jamie’s love for his twin sister baby mama gives him the second wind he needs to take his sword and do this to Euron’s intestines:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/twist-spaghetti-fork.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"255\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in King's Landing, buildings are collapsing left and right and everything is on fire. Clegane convinces Arya to get out while she still can. She thanks him for everything and I may or may not tear up a little.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111799\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/not-crying-raining-on-my-fac.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"262\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">CleganeBowl, the brother showdown we've all been waiting for is finally upon us! The Hound and the Mountain trade jabs for a while, until the Hound stabs right through his brother's torso! But because the Mountain is a mutant or whatever, it's the equivalent of a medium gnarly paper cut.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The Mountain's headwear gets knocked off, revealing that he's been Darth Vader this whole time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111800\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/darth-vader-without-helmet.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"512\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">He proceeds to strip because this show is obsessed with showing us nipples.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111801\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-bro.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The Mountain tries to crush the Hound's skull as he did to that hot bisexual dude from Dorne, but the Hound stabs him in the eye (Lyanna Mormont's impact!) and then decks him off the building and into the inferno below. You were a wild one, Clegane. Peace out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111441\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-rbg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, Arya is having a very hard time not getting trampled to death like Simba's dad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to this harrowing moment:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-be-dead-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Arya lives! Now, she just needs to get her butt back to Winterfell pronto. Nymeria, the dire wolf, can’t lose her mama on Mother’s Day!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ugh, Arya's problems are still not over. A huge tower almost falls on her head!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101975\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/oh-come-on-jim-carrey-liar-liar.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"374\" height=\"379\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">She's been through enough! I feel bullied by the writers of this show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back in the castle, Jamie finds Cersei and they run to the tunnel that leads to their elope boat. But it's blocked by debris! Cersei sobs, \"I want our baby to live.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">YOU COULD HAVE SAID THAT LAST WEEK INSTEAD OF CHOPPING OFF MISSANDEI’S HEAD BUT NOOOOO.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Cersei continues moaning, \"I don’t want to die. Please don’t let me die. I don’t like this!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Hey, Cersei, you know who else didn’t “like this”? My girl Margaery Tyrell and all those other people you blew to smithereens in that church. Or Sansa's dire wolf, Lady, who you had killed way back when. Or pretty much 95% of the characters on this show that have been terrorized by you for eight seasons. Forgive me if I don't shed a tear for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107562\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/ebony-antm-fake-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"164\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">As the ceiling above their heads crumbles, Jamie tells Cersei, \"Nothing else matters. Only us.\" Then they are both crushed to death. I would have preferred if Arya did the honors, but this works too. Talk to y'all never!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19742\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/tumblr_n2dkpmzid11rfduvxo1_250.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back in the streets, a traumatized, ash-covered Arya looks on in horror at all the Pompeii-ified remains of civilians. A random white horse is the only living thing in sight. Arya whispers to it, \u003cem>Can you believe this sh*t?\u003c/em> and rides off to brainstorm which face she'll wear when she murders Dany in the series finale.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111563/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-4-recap-drunk-in-love\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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1557127014000
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"disqusTitle": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, all hell broke loose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This Lyanna Mormont moment captures the essence of the Battle of Winterfell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111414\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/lyanna-mormont-battle-of-winterfell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone's favorite middle schooler ended up dying, along with Jorah, Melisandre, pretty much all the Dothraki, Theon and some other randos.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111424\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and ARYA MOTHER F*CKING STARK SINGLE-HANDEDLY KILLED THE NIGHT KING! If you missed that moment or just want to see it again, here it is, complete with added celebratory scenes from \u003cem>The Truman Show\u003c/em> because I'm random.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/1122712859421499393\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now with the existential threat of the Night King and his dead army gone, what in the world is going to happen next? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's the morning after the Battle of Winterfell. The camera slowly pans up the body of a fallen hero. The MVP. It's obviously Lil Lyanna Mormont.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, it's Jorah?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany weeps over him while feeling really badly about friend-zoning him so hard while he was alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany, I'ma let you finish, but LYANNA HAD ONE OF THE MOST HEART-WRENCHING \u003cem>GAME OF THRONES\u003c/em> DEATHS OF ALL TIME!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111602\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1020x521.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"327\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1020x521.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-800x409.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-768x392.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1200x613.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1920x981.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you.jpg 1954w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Sansa cries over Theon and pins a wolf emblem onto his corpse. After a messy life of not belonging, he's finally an honorary Stark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111603\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/happy-clap-tears-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fun fact: The actor who played Theon is pop star Lily Allen's baby brother, Alfie. She wrote a whole song about what a lazy stoner he is:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bXxo5QFF88\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyway, back to the mass funeral pyres. Dany is having a lot of feels as she Jorah's body burns.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111604\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/friend-zone-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Guess whose body isn't burning up right now? Ghost's! He lives! (Minus an ear.) Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111605\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-1020x769.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"483\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-1020x769.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-160x121.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-800x603.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-768x579.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-1200x905.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost.jpg 1318w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in the woods somewhere, Nymeria, Arya's dire wolf, continues to mind her business. May that random fire god Melisandre was obsessed with protect them both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, after spending all day watching their friends burn up, everyone feels really awkward. There's no precedent for how to act after barely surviving a zombie apocalypse. Finally, someone has a genius idea: LET'S ALL GET FIRST-WEEK-AT-COLLEGE WASTED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111609\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/chug-drink-drunk-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Dany is too paranoid about people liking Jon more than her to party. In the interest of prematurely recruiting allies, she randomly makes Gendry a lord. Every drunk person in the room thinks, \u003cem>Weird flex, but okay.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner, Tormund and Sansa peer pressure Jon into doing a keg stand. At first, Jon resists.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"Vomiting is not celebrating.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, it is.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Glad that's settled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon toasts to the Dragon Queen. Dany quickly changes the toast dedication to Arya Stark, \"the hero of Winterfell.\" THAT'S RIGHT! SAY HER NAME! REJOICE IN IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111610\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/arya-dancing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of cute dancing videos of GoT actors, this video of Lyanna Mormont circulated last week...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/rmlundyjr/status/1124439635353133057\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...before she confirmed it wasn't actually her. But we can still pretend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Everyone is tanked, but Tormund most of all. The ratio between wine consumed and wine spilled is about one to one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111611\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tormund-chug.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111612\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tormund-spill.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111613\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/spill-torm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">At a nearby table, Jamie, Tyrion and Brienne play a drinking game that involves guessing facts about each other. It doesn't take long for this to get extremely awkward.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion [to Brienne]:\u003c/strong> \"You’re a virgin!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"...I have to piss.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know what this uncomfortable exchange needs? A sh*t-faced Tormund, that's what!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Sh*t-Faced Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"We did it! We faced those icy f*cks, looked right into their blue eyes, and here we are! Now which of you cowards shit in my pants?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No one laughs because they're all lame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">When Brienne leaves (to piss, I'm guessing), Tormund thinks, \u003cem>This is my chance!\u003c/em> Jamie stops him with a \u003cem>Not so fast, buddy!\u003c/em> Ooo, this love triangle is heating up again! (Which means I get to force you to look at my Photoshop masterpiece once more!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1920x1280.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie.jpg 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Cut to Tormund drunk-sobbing about losing the battle for Brienne's heart. \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111615\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tormund-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyone else think this scene has a similar emotional pull as the final scene in \u003cem>Call Me By Your Name\u003c/em>? No? Okay, cool.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111614\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/call-me-by-your-name-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But don't cry for Tormund, Argentina. He ends up snapping out of it within a handful of seconds and hooking up with some townie. Good for him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Gendry finds Arya and begins to worship her, as he should:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Gendry:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I'm in love you! You're the GOAT! I want you to be my lady 'cause I'm a lord now! Will you marry me?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry. Arya's already married to revenge and murder.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back inside, Brienne is about to turn in for the night and watch a \u003cem>Great British Baking Show\u003c/em> marathon, when a drunk Jamie shows up. He starts complaining about how hot it is and starts taking off his clothes. Very smooth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Then he pointedly asks if Brienne likes Tormund. Brienne is out here inspiring grown men to cry into fireplaces and get wildly jealous over her. This is why we are all members of the Brienne of Tarth fan club. (If you're not, please see yourself out.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jamie continues complaining about how hot it is and fumbles with undoing the knots of his shirt. Then, he tries taking off Brienne's top!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111616\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/looking-glasses.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She stops him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106326\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/angry-birds-disappointed-sad-happy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then does it herself!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Way to take back your agency, Brienne!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jamie says, \"I've never slept with a knight before.\" Well, you better buckle up then!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-38275 aligncenter\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In another bedroom, Dany finds Jon and asks if he's drunk. He says no, but this stumble says otherwise.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111617\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/got-drunj.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They try to answer a question that's been on both of their minds. No, not which one of them should sit on the Iron Throne. The question of: Can they boink without gagging, now that they know they're aunt and nephew? Only one way to find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a valiant tongue wrestling effort, they find that incest is not an aphrodisiac after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107348\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shrink-sign-language.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Feeling rejected, Dany's insecurities get the best of her and she demands that Jon never tell anyone who he really is... or else. Jon tries to calm her down with some kumbaya talk, but it doesn't work... at all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"You are my queen. Nothing will change that. And they are my family. We can live together.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \"We can. I’ve just told you how.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Essentially, my way or \u003cdel>the highway \u003c/del>I'll have Drogon toast all of y'all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next day, Arya corners Jon and invites him to a Starks-only meeting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111618\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/got-gf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The theme: We hate your girlfriend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Arya and Sansa take turns telling him the progeny of Ned Stark rule and everyone else drools, especially Dany. Before Jon can even get comfortable in the agony of whether to tell them the truth or not, Bran blurts out, \"It's your choice.\" (And that's been this episode's Bran-freaks-everyone-out moment!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon makes them pinky promise that they won't tell anyone and then proceeds to tell them everything, but the camera cuts away before we can witness any \u003cem>So-wait-you-shtooped-your-aunt?!?!\u003c/em> reaction shots!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98857\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/annoyed-kim.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"485\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The following day, Clegane and Arya run into each other on the road. They're both heading back to King's Landing to settle some unfinished business (my theory: Clegane will have a final battle with his brother, the Mountain, and Arya is gonna slip one of her masks on and try to kill Cersei). They both agree they don't plan on ever coming back to Winterfell. (Another theory, which I hope isn't true: they're both going to die in the next two episodes.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97258\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-sad-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Arya and Clegane aren't the only ones leaving town; almost everyone is heading south to tell Cersei that she's mean. Tormund bids Jon adieu and takes Ghost with him. (Jon, be a better dire wolf parent! You can't just keep abandoning him like this!) Jon also says goodbye to Sam, who's still alive somehow and also managed to get his girlfriend pregnant again. Check out his Yup-I-did-the-sex-again face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111619\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/yup-i-did-the-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Tyrion rides off, he tries to find out why Sansa is acting super weird and staring off into the distance. Internally, Sansa thinks to herself: \u003cem>Don't say it don't say it don't say it.\u003c/em> Externally, Sansa says: \u003cem>So here are my top 10 reasons why I hate Dany, who's Jon's aunt by the way.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111620\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/gwen-stefani-oops.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the fleet makes its way south, Dany and Drogon fly beside Rhaegal, who is healing after the battle and learning how to fly again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out of nowhere, an arrow punctures Rhaegal's chest! And wing! And throat! And Rhaegal gurgles all the way down to a watery death!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WHAT DID I SAY, \u003cem>GOT\u003c/em> WRITERS?!?!?!?!?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I am beside myself. I...can't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111621\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/feels-waves-emotional.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The arrow came from stupid Euron Greyjoy! And he's not done being a dick. He obliterates Dany's entire fleet too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111622\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/explode-ship-arrow-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, y'all thought this was just a sleepy hangover episode?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hold on. Faxing Arya so she can put Euron's name on her kill list.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in King's Landing, Euron tells Cersei about murdering Rhaegal. Her sociopathic response: \"That must've been glorious.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Me to no one:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/im-going-to-have-to-kill-her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Euron managed to capture Missendei and now she's Cersei's prisoner. This is not going to end well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109224\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/02/prince-smh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"418\" height=\"480\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Dany vows to obliterate King's Landing, civilians and all. After failing to talk her down, Lord Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei is feeling herself too much and showing the signs of a tyrant. He suggests they put their support behind Jon because he's a man and he's likable and he's someone you could have a beer with. Hmm, this all sounds oddly familiar...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back in Winterfell, Jamie's complicated feelings for Cersei drive him out of Brienne's bed and on the road back to King's Landing. Brienne catches him and begs him to stay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"You don’t need to die with her. Stay here. Stay with me. Please. Stay.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \"She’s hateful and so am I.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He flips her the deuces and trots off, leaving Brienne to rain tears and snot everywhere. She's mourning their cute romance, but also the good side of him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sad-wilfred-doctor-who-crying-old-man-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"147\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the castle walls of King's Landing, Dany and co. have a stand-off with Cersie and co. Tyrion and Cersei's creepy assistant try bargaining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Surrender or else general bad things will happen.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Cersei's Creepy Assistant:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Surrender or else general bad things will happen AND Cersei will throw Dany's BFF, Missandei, to her death right now.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ok then!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Tyrion tries his Plan B.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, Cersei! Let's skip the whole battle thing. You want your unborn child to live, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I\u003c/em> \u003cem>couldn't give a sh*t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The Mountain chops off Missendei's head and both her head and body plummet off the castle wall right in front of Dany and Grey Worm. This means war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-means-war-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need someone to process ALL OF THAT with? This recap has your back!",
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"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love | KQED",
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"headline": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 4 Recap: Drunk In Love",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, all hell broke loose.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This Lyanna Mormont moment captures the essence of the Battle of Winterfell:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111414\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/lyanna-mormont-battle-of-winterfell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone's favorite middle schooler ended up dying, along with Jorah, Melisandre, pretty much all the Dothraki, Theon and some other randos.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111424\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and ARYA MOTHER F*CKING STARK SINGLE-HANDEDLY KILLED THE NIGHT KING! If you missed that moment or just want to see it again, here it is, complete with added celebratory scenes from \u003cem>The Truman Show\u003c/em> because I'm random.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Now with the existential threat of the Night King and his dead army gone, what in the world is going to happen next? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's the morning after the Battle of Winterfell. The camera slowly pans up the body of a fallen hero. The MVP. It's obviously Lil Lyanna Mormont.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, it's Jorah?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany weeps over him while feeling really badly about friend-zoning him so hard while he was alive.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany, I'ma let you finish, but LYANNA HAD ONE OF THE MOST HEART-WRENCHING \u003cem>GAME OF THRONES\u003c/em> DEATHS OF ALL TIME!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111602\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1020x521.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"327\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1020x521.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-160x82.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-800x409.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-768x392.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1200x613.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you-1920x981.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ima-let-you.jpg 1954w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few paces away, Sansa cries over Theon and pins a wolf emblem onto his corpse. After a messy life of not belonging, he's finally an honorary Stark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111603\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/happy-clap-tears-cry.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fun fact: The actor who played Theon is pop star Lily Allen's baby brother, Alfie. She wrote a whole song about what a lazy stoner he is:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/3bXxo5QFF88'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/3bXxo5QFF88'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Anyway, back to the mass funeral pyres. Dany is having a lot of feels as she Jorah's body burns.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111604\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/friend-zone-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Guess whose body isn't burning up right now? Ghost's! He lives! (Minus an ear.) Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111605\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-1020x769.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"483\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-1020x769.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-160x121.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-800x603.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-768x579.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost-1200x905.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ghost.jpg 1318w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, in the woods somewhere, Nymeria, Arya's dire wolf, continues to mind her business. May that random fire god Melisandre was obsessed with protect them both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, after spending all day watching their friends burn up, everyone feels really awkward. There's no precedent for how to act after barely surviving a zombie apocalypse. Finally, someone has a genius idea: LET'S ALL GET FIRST-WEEK-AT-COLLEGE WASTED!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111609\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/chug-drink-drunk-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Dany is too paranoid about people liking Jon more than her to party. In the interest of prematurely recruiting allies, she randomly makes Gendry a lord. Every drunk person in the room thinks, \u003cem>Weird flex, but okay.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner, Tormund and Sansa peer pressure Jon into doing a keg stand. At first, Jon resists.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"Vomiting is not celebrating.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"Yes, it is.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Glad that's settled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon toasts to the Dragon Queen. Dany quickly changes the toast dedication to Arya Stark, \"the hero of Winterfell.\" THAT'S RIGHT! SAY HER NAME! REJOICE IN IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111610\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/arya-dancing.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of cute dancing videos of GoT actors, this video of Lyanna Mormont circulated last week...\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>...before she confirmed it wasn't actually her. But we can still pretend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Everyone is tanked, but Tormund most of all. The ratio between wine consumed and wine spilled is about one to one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111611\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tormund-chug.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111612\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tormund-spill.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111613\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/spill-torm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">At a nearby table, Jamie, Tyrion and Brienne play a drinking game that involves guessing facts about each other. It doesn't take long for this to get extremely awkward.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion [to Brienne]:\u003c/strong> \"You’re a virgin!!!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"...I have to piss.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You know what this uncomfortable exchange needs? A sh*t-faced Tormund, that's what!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Sh*t-Faced Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"We did it! We faced those icy f*cks, looked right into their blue eyes, and here we are! Now which of you cowards shit in my pants?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No one laughs because they're all lame.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">When Brienne leaves (to piss, I'm guessing), Tormund thinks, \u003cem>This is my chance!\u003c/em> Jamie stops him with a \u003cem>Not so fast, buddy!\u003c/em> Ooo, this love triangle is heating up again! (Which means I get to force you to look at my Photoshop masterpiece once more!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1920x1280.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie.jpg 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Cut to Tormund drunk-sobbing about losing the battle for Brienne's heart. \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111615\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/tormund-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Anyone else think this scene has a similar emotional pull as the final scene in \u003cem>Call Me By Your Name\u003c/em>? No? Okay, cool.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111614\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/call-me-by-your-name-crying.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"540\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But don't cry for Tormund, Argentina. He ends up snapping out of it within a handful of seconds and hooking up with some townie. Good for him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Gendry finds Arya and begins to worship her, as he should:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Gendry:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I'm in love you! You're the GOAT! I want you to be my lady 'cause I'm a lord now! Will you marry me?!?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry. Arya's already married to revenge and murder.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back inside, Brienne is about to turn in for the night and watch a \u003cem>Great British Baking Show\u003c/em> marathon, when a drunk Jamie shows up. He starts complaining about how hot it is and starts taking off his clothes. Very smooth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Then he pointedly asks if Brienne likes Tormund. Brienne is out here inspiring grown men to cry into fireplaces and get wildly jealous over her. This is why we are all members of the Brienne of Tarth fan club. (If you're not, please see yourself out.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jamie continues complaining about how hot it is and fumbles with undoing the knots of his shirt. Then, he tries taking off Brienne's top!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111616\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/looking-glasses.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She stops him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106326\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/angry-birds-disappointed-sad-happy-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"263\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And then does it herself!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Way to take back your agency, Brienne!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jamie says, \"I've never slept with a knight before.\" Well, you better buckle up then!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"size-full wp-image-38275 aligncenter\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_n19y4rrbwl1rrx588o1_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"464\" height=\"328\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In another bedroom, Dany finds Jon and asks if he's drunk. He says no, but this stumble says otherwise.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111617\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/got-drunj.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They try to answer a question that's been on both of their minds. No, not which one of them should sit on the Iron Throne. The question of: Can they boink without gagging, now that they know they're aunt and nephew? Only one way to find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After a valiant tongue wrestling effort, they find that incest is not an aphrodisiac after all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107348\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/shrink-sign-language.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"268\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Feeling rejected, Dany's insecurities get the best of her and she demands that Jon never tell anyone who he really is... or else. Jon tries to calm her down with some kumbaya talk, but it doesn't work... at all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"You are my queen. Nothing will change that. And they are my family. We can live together.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \"We can. I’ve just told you how.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Essentially, my way or \u003cdel>the highway \u003c/del>I'll have Drogon toast all of y'all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next day, Arya corners Jon and invites him to a Starks-only meeting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111618\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/got-gf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The theme: We hate your girlfriend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Arya and Sansa take turns telling him the progeny of Ned Stark rule and everyone else drools, especially Dany. Before Jon can even get comfortable in the agony of whether to tell them the truth or not, Bran blurts out, \"It's your choice.\" (And that's been this episode's Bran-freaks-everyone-out moment!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon makes them pinky promise that they won't tell anyone and then proceeds to tell them everything, but the camera cuts away before we can witness any \u003cem>So-wait-you-shtooped-your-aunt?!?!\u003c/em> reaction shots!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98857\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/annoyed-kim.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"485\" height=\"275\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The following day, Clegane and Arya run into each other on the road. They're both heading back to King's Landing to settle some unfinished business (my theory: Clegane will have a final battle with his brother, the Mountain, and Arya is gonna slip one of her masks on and try to kill Cersei). They both agree they don't plan on ever coming back to Winterfell. (Another theory, which I hope isn't true: they're both going to die in the next two episodes.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97258\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/britney-sad-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Arya and Clegane aren't the only ones leaving town; almost everyone is heading south to tell Cersei that she's mean. Tormund bids Jon adieu and takes Ghost with him. (Jon, be a better dire wolf parent! You can't just keep abandoning him like this!) Jon also says goodbye to Sam, who's still alive somehow and also managed to get his girlfriend pregnant again. Check out his Yup-I-did-the-sex-again face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111619\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/yup-i-did-the-sex.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Tyrion rides off, he tries to find out why Sansa is acting super weird and staring off into the distance. Internally, Sansa thinks to herself: \u003cem>Don't say it don't say it don't say it.\u003c/em> Externally, Sansa says: \u003cem>So here are my top 10 reasons why I hate Dany, who's Jon's aunt by the way.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111620\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/gwen-stefani-oops.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the fleet makes its way south, Dany and Drogon fly beside Rhaegal, who is healing after the battle and learning how to fly again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-62786\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/02/awww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out of nowhere, an arrow punctures Rhaegal's chest! And wing! And throat! And Rhaegal gurgles all the way down to a watery death!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WHAT DID I SAY, \u003cem>GOT\u003c/em> WRITERS?!?!?!?!?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I am beside myself. I...can't.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111621\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/feels-waves-emotional.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The arrow came from stupid Euron Greyjoy! And he's not done being a dick. He obliterates Dany's entire fleet too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111622\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/explode-ship-arrow-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, y'all thought this was just a sleepy hangover episode?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hold on. Faxing Arya so she can put Euron's name on her kill list.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in King's Landing, Euron tells Cersei about murdering Rhaegal. Her sociopathic response: \"That must've been glorious.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Me to no one:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/im-going-to-have-to-kill-her.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make matters worse, Euron managed to capture Missendei and now she's Cersei's prisoner. This is not going to end well.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109224\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/02/prince-smh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"418\" height=\"480\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Dany vows to obliterate King's Landing, civilians and all. After failing to talk her down, Lord Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei is feeling herself too much and showing the signs of a tyrant. He suggests they put their support behind Jon because he's a man and he's likable and he's someone you could have a beer with. Hmm, this all sounds oddly familiar...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back in Winterfell, Jamie's complicated feelings for Cersei drive him out of Brienne's bed and on the road back to King's Landing. Brienne catches him and begs him to stay.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"You don’t need to die with her. Stay here. Stay with me. Please. Stay.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \"She’s hateful and so am I.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He flips her the deuces and trots off, leaving Brienne to rain tears and snot everywhere. She's mourning their cute romance, but also the good side of him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106655\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/sad-wilfred-doctor-who-crying-old-man-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"147\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the castle walls of King's Landing, Dany and co. have a stand-off with Cersie and co. Tyrion and Cersei's creepy assistant try bargaining.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Surrender or else general bad things will happen.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Cersei's Creepy Assistant:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Surrender or else general bad things will happen AND Cersei will throw Dany's BFF, Missandei, to her death right now.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ok then!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Tyrion tries his Plan B.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, Cersei! Let's skip the whole battle thing. You want your unborn child to live, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I\u003c/em> \u003cem>couldn't give a sh*t.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The Mountain chops off Missendei's head and both her head and body plummet off the castle wall right in front of Dany and Grey Worm. This means war.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/this-means-war-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111406/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-3-recap-great-balls-of-fire\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls of Fire\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Les Miserables' Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>I learned that the actress who plays Fantine is Phil Collins' daughter. My mind is still very blown by that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and some plot-related stuff happened too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A random dude I call Jean Fauxjean was accused of being the real Jean Valjean and was almost sent to some dungeon... until the real Jean Valjean barked at everyone...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111382\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/ENOUGH-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and revealed his true identity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/real-slim-shady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Going from sentenced to free in a millisecond, Jean Fauxjean wasn't sure how to feel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/oprah-what-is-going-on-confused.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, a feeling I am VERY sure about is that I want to smash a cream pie right into the middle of Ms. Creepy Face's...um, face for refusing to let Fantine see Cosette before her death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111403\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pie-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"489\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, yeah, spoiler alert: Fantine is long gone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/and-now-im-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"430\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thanks to a little mouth chisel, Jean Valjean broke out of prison and also broke Cosette out of her own prison by hulking out on Mr. Olivia Colman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111393\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/hulk-punch-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette couldn't believe her good fortune.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111394\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/kacey-musgraves-what.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"286\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, it was short-lived, thanks to a neighbor who refused to mind her own business.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111395\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/nosy-neighbor-lady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette, who has earned the right to sling curse words, called this neighbor a \"nosy old bitch.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111396\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cussing-olsen-twin.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"390\" height=\"428\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'd like to hear which curse words Cosette has reserved for Javert because he was back on his BS, chasing Jean and Cosette all over town, even banging on the door of a convent and demanding that a nun turn them over. The head nun thought about it for a second before saying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that we're all caught up, let's find out what other stressful, messed up stuff \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> has in store for us this week. On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find a teen Cosette hanging out with some friends inside their convent dorm. Cosette has friends! No one is whipping her! (We have to celebrate any ray of sunshine in this brutal ass show.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette's friends start talking about how excited they are to graduate and start sleeping around with their hot cousins. Either Cosette is not down with incest or Jean Valjean has failed to give her the birds-and-the-bees talk.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-is-sex-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her friends don't have time to explain what sex is and why they kind of want to do it with their relatives because a nun comes in and orders them to pray. A nun in the fly-est headwear ever, I might add!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111567\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"752\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg 752w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis-160x95.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 752px) 100vw, 752px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember what I said about reveling in whatever scrap of sunshine this show throws our way? Jean Valjean is totally on board with that. Look at him! So happy! And not a Javert in sight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111568\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-jean-happy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The main reason he's stoked on life is that Cosette is coming over for brunch. These two have more than earned bottomless mimosas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111569\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/bottomless-mimosas-brunch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"426\" height=\"426\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Cosette is not in the mood for celebratory drinks. Now that she knows a little bit about sex, she's less jazzed about becoming a celibate nun for life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I want to see the world!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>But the world is trash and full of garbage people! Remember being a child slave???\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That was probably just an anomaly!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Tell that to Fantine's missing two front teeth! Why don't you want to stick to our plan of watching me die here and then dying later on as a really old virgin?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Because that sounds depressing?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They agree to disagree.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Javert receives a medal of \u003cdel>dis\u003c/del>honor for being great at ruining lives over the pettiest of crimes. He tries to have a special chapeau moment like the nun from earlier in the episode and fails.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111570\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg 434w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis-160x143.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 434px) 100vw, 434px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Javert gets back to his office, all his coworker buddies are like, \u003cem>Way to go, dude! Let's party!\u003c/em> But Javert is in full pout mode. \"I shall never be in peace until Jean Valjean is back in chains!\" It was one little coin and one measly piece of bread. GET OVER IT!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a church nearby, a grown-up Marius Pontmercy prays that all of that wine-drinking he did as a child didn't affect his brain too much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110985\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-wine-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Marius meets an old man who really wants to gossip.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Old Gossip:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Breaking news! Your dad used to watch you every week from behind that pillar! Napoleon actually rules! And your grandfather is a piece of merde!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius is as mind blown as I am over the whole Phil Collins daughter thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius marches on over to his grandfather's house and lets him have it:\u003cem> I thought the thing you were most terrible at was applying makeup, but I was wrong! You're even worse at being a decent human being! P.S. The king can choke!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gramps serves Marius an eviction notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111590\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/get-out-cersei-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the convent, Jean Valjean is now in support of Cosette not dying a very old virgin, so they move out. Cosette is immediately taken aback by all the beggars, prostitutes and dead bodies in the streets. But she's in much better spirits once she gets to a gentrified neighborhood and sees how Instagrammable the door to their new apartment is. Jean Valjean has taste!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111571\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1018\" height=\"462\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid.png 1018w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid-800x363.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid-768x349.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1018px) 100vw, 1018px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a less photogenic part of Paris, Marius moves into a slum and meets his new landlord, who just so happens to be the \"nosy old bitch\" from the last episode!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqVMhN-Yit4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, while sitting in his apartment trying to decide whether he's #TeamRoyalism, #TeamNapoleon or #TeamDemocracy, a creepy finger pokes through the wall, as if to say *Adele voice* \u003cem>Hello from the other siiiiiiide\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111585\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/creepy-finger-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a girl who randomly offers a little striptease. Based on how small the world of this show is, I bet it's one of Olivia Colman's daughters. Do not want!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111572\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/hard-pass-do-not-want-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Instagrammable Door HQ, Cosette is already unsatisfied with her new life. She misses chatting about sex with girls her own age. Where's AOL Instant Messenger when you need it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She also wants less virgin-y clothes, so Jean takes her shopping and fake smiles all the way through her makeover montage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111582\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fake-smile-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the Luxembourg Gardens, Marius spots Cosette debuting her new look, intuits that she's an antsy virgin like him and starts stalking her. After a handkerchief falls, Marius rushes to return it, but not before taking a big, horny sniff of it first. Cosette is like, \u003cem>Chill, that's my dad's\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111574\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/smell-foot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"522\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The park is teeming with cops, so Jean Valjean rushes Cosette home, which evokes a bratty tantrum.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \"This place is like a prison!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \"You have no idea what a prison is!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Jean waking Cosette at dawn to witness a procession of chained prisoners being abused and dragged through the streets. Unfortunately, instead of taking away a better understanding of the prison industrial complex and how cruel humans can be to each other, the takeaway for Cosette is \u003cem>Ewwwwwww, they're gross!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \"I think if I crossed paths with one of those men, I would die, just from looking them in the face.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean is too busy blinking in disbelief to respond to her convict hateration.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111581\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/blink-guy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"195\" height=\"229\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at a brothel nightclub, Marius is scandalized by being in the midst of Ms. Wall Finger and a lot of other people who've had sex before. He rushes home and tries to sleep it off, only to wake to Ms. Wall Finger in his room. Did she not see the doormat?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111583\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-1200x1200.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After seducing him doesn't work, Ms. Wall Finger hands him a note from her dad that reads: \u003cem>Give me money just cause. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius hands over some change and a little extra for Ms. Wall Finger. Moments later, Marius looks through the Adele peephole and watches her father take her coin away and beat her. Her father is none other than—we all guessed it—Mr. Colman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/no-god-please-no-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"196\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other side of town, Cosette is still ranting about how yucky incarcerated men are and how they must be monsters to be treated like that, when Ms. Wall Finger rolls up with a note from her dad asking for money. Jean Valjean promises to come over later that day. Well, I hope you all enjoyed those ray of sunshine moments earlier because things are about to get \u003cdel>les\u003c/del> miserable\u003cdel>s\u003c/del> again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette tries to warn Jean that Ms. Wall Finger gives off a very bad vibe, but Jean thinks she's just being bougie again and tells her they're definitely going over there later to get scammed, blackmailed and possibly even murdered.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few moments after stepping into the Colmans' shack and realizing who they are, Jean takes a moment to consider what an unforced error he just crafted for himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111592\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ive-made-a-huge-mistake-arrested-development.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean promises to return later that evening to pay a bunch of hush money and then gets Cosette the hell out of there. Behind the wall, Marius overhears the Colmans plotting to murder Jean. But I'm not that stressed 'cause surely Marius will just track Cosette and Jean down and warn them, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>UGHHHH. MARIUS GOES TO JAVERT. YOU HAD ONE JOB, MARIUS! AND YOU SCREWED IT UP! YOU'RE A VIRGIN WHO CAN'T DRIVE! *PRIMAL SCREAM*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert advises Marius to take two guns and watch from his Adele peephole until Mr. Colman and his buddies start trying to kill Jean. Then, Marius should shoot off a round or two in the ceiling. Ummm, can someone take away Javert's medal of honor now? This plan is bonkers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, when Jean arrives, he's quickly surrounded by goons. They tie him down and Mr. Colman taunts Jean with a hot poker and rambles about saving Marius' dad back in the day. Marius hears this and believes the tall tale because he's a dumb virgin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111593\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/youre-stupid-drunk-parks-and-rec-amy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"130\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I've had enough of this episode and so has Jean, who beats everyone up with only one hand. For good measure, he takes the hot poker and burns himself on the arm just to let everyone know he used to be this guy:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111594\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-fuck-with-me-fellas.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"463\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius finally decides to shoot his guns (thanks for nothing, bro) and the place is stormed by Javert and a flood of cops. All the goons are still spooked by the maniac who just burned himself with a hot poker, so they just run around in circles until they're arrested. Jean, on the other hand, doesn't have time for a third incarceration so he does what he has to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111595\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/jump-out-window-break-glass.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, at the prison, Javert visits Mr. Colman and demands to know everything. Thank goodness this episode is over because all this stress is driving me to drink!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111596\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/stressed-out-margarita-bad-girls-club.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Pretty Much Everyone. \u003c/strong>I don't feel like I even need to explain this one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Old Gossip. \u003c/strong>This random guy held onto some very hot goss for over a decade and then unleashed it at exactly the right time. He's messy. He's random. And I love him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Cosette.\u003c/strong> Deciding not to die an old virgin was a solid choice. Congrats.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: That Nun's Hat. \u003c/strong>Nope, I'm still not over it. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Jean Valjean\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">He's a great guardian and a lovable gentle giant (when he's not burning off his own flesh), but this award is mostly for his ability to find such an Instagrammable apartment. Double tap!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need a laugh or two after this week's stressful episode? This recap has your back!",
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"description": "Need a laugh or two after this week's stressful episode? This recap has your back!",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>I learned that the actress who plays Fantine is Phil Collins' daughter. My mind is still very blown by that.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and some plot-related stuff happened too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A random dude I call Jean Fauxjean was accused of being the real Jean Valjean and was almost sent to some dungeon... until the real Jean Valjean barked at everyone...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111382\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/ENOUGH-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...and revealed his true identity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/real-slim-shady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Going from sentenced to free in a millisecond, Jean Fauxjean wasn't sure how to feel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/oprah-what-is-going-on-confused.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, a feeling I am VERY sure about is that I want to smash a cream pie right into the middle of Ms. Creepy Face's...um, face for refusing to let Fantine see Cosette before her death.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111403\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pie-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"489\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, yeah, spoiler alert: Fantine is long gone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/and-now-im-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"430\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thanks to a little mouth chisel, Jean Valjean broke out of prison and also broke Cosette out of her own prison by hulking out on Mr. Olivia Colman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111393\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/hulk-punch-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette couldn't believe her good fortune.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111394\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/kacey-musgraves-what.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"286\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, it was short-lived, thanks to a neighbor who refused to mind her own business.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111395\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/nosy-neighbor-lady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette, who has earned the right to sling curse words, called this neighbor a \"nosy old bitch.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111396\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cussing-olsen-twin.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"390\" height=\"428\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'd like to hear which curse words Cosette has reserved for Javert because he was back on his BS, chasing Jean and Cosette all over town, even banging on the door of a convent and demanding that a nun turn them over. The head nun thought about it for a second before saying:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Now that we're all caught up, let's find out what other stressful, messed up stuff \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> has in store for us this week. On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find a teen Cosette hanging out with some friends inside their convent dorm. Cosette has friends! No one is whipping her! (We have to celebrate any ray of sunshine in this brutal ass show.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette's friends start talking about how excited they are to graduate and start sleeping around with their hot cousins. Either Cosette is not down with incest or Jean Valjean has failed to give her the birds-and-the-bees talk.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111566\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/what-is-sex-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Her friends don't have time to explain what sex is and why they kind of want to do it with their relatives because a nun comes in and orders them to pray. A nun in the fly-est headwear ever, I might add!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111567\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"752\" height=\"448\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis.jpg 752w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/nun-hat-les-mis-160x95.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 752px) 100vw, 752px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember what I said about reveling in whatever scrap of sunshine this show throws our way? Jean Valjean is totally on board with that. Look at him! So happy! And not a Javert in sight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111568\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/les-mis-jean-happy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The main reason he's stoked on life is that Cosette is coming over for brunch. These two have more than earned bottomless mimosas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111569\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/bottomless-mimosas-brunch-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"426\" height=\"426\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Cosette is not in the mood for celebratory drinks. Now that she knows a little bit about sex, she's less jazzed about becoming a celibate nun for life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I want to see the world!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>But the world is trash and full of garbage people! Remember being a child slave???\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>That was probably just an anomaly!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Tell that to Fantine's missing two front teeth! Why don't you want to stick to our plan of watching me die here and then dying later on as a really old virgin?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Because that sounds depressing?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They agree to disagree.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Javert receives a medal of \u003cdel>dis\u003c/del>honor for being great at ruining lives over the pettiest of crimes. He tries to have a special chapeau moment like the nun from earlier in the episode and fails.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111570\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"434\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis.jpg 434w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fail-les-mis-160x143.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 434px) 100vw, 434px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Javert gets back to his office, all his coworker buddies are like, \u003cem>Way to go, dude! Let's party!\u003c/em> But Javert is in full pout mode. \"I shall never be in peace until Jean Valjean is back in chains!\" It was one little coin and one measly piece of bread. GET OVER IT!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a church nearby, a grown-up Marius Pontmercy prays that all of that wine-drinking he did as a child didn't affect his brain too much.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110985\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-wine-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On his way out, Marius meets an old man who really wants to gossip.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Old Gossip:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Breaking news! Your dad used to watch you every week from behind that pillar! Napoleon actually rules! And your grandfather is a piece of merde!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius is as mind blown as I am over the whole Phil Collins daughter thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius marches on over to his grandfather's house and lets him have it:\u003cem> I thought the thing you were most terrible at was applying makeup, but I was wrong! You're even worse at being a decent human being! P.S. The king can choke!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Gramps serves Marius an eviction notice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111590\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/get-out-cersei-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the convent, Jean Valjean is now in support of Cosette not dying a very old virgin, so they move out. Cosette is immediately taken aback by all the beggars, prostitutes and dead bodies in the streets. But she's in much better spirits once she gets to a gentrified neighborhood and sees how Instagrammable the door to their new apartment is. Jean Valjean has taste!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111571\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"1018\" height=\"462\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid.png 1018w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid-800x363.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/door-les-mid-768x349.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1018px) 100vw, 1018px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a less photogenic part of Paris, Marius moves into a slum and meets his new landlord, who just so happens to be the \"nosy old bitch\" from the last episode!\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/xqVMhN-Yit4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/xqVMhN-Yit4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>That night, while sitting in his apartment trying to decide whether he's #TeamRoyalism, #TeamNapoleon or #TeamDemocracy, a creepy finger pokes through the wall, as if to say *Adele voice* \u003cem>Hello from the other siiiiiiide\u003c/em>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111585\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/creepy-finger-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's a girl who randomly offers a little striptease. Based on how small the world of this show is, I bet it's one of Olivia Colman's daughters. Do not want!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111572\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/hard-pass-do-not-want-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Instagrammable Door HQ, Cosette is already unsatisfied with her new life. She misses chatting about sex with girls her own age. Where's AOL Instant Messenger when you need it?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She also wants less virgin-y clothes, so Jean takes her shopping and fake smiles all the way through her makeover montage.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111582\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/fake-smile-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the Luxembourg Gardens, Marius spots Cosette debuting her new look, intuits that she's an antsy virgin like him and starts stalking her. After a handkerchief falls, Marius rushes to return it, but not before taking a big, horny sniff of it first. Cosette is like, \u003cem>Chill, that's my dad's\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111574\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/smell-foot.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"522\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The park is teeming with cops, so Jean Valjean rushes Cosette home, which evokes a bratty tantrum.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \"This place is like a prison!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \"You have no idea what a prison is!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Jean waking Cosette at dawn to witness a procession of chained prisoners being abused and dragged through the streets. Unfortunately, instead of taking away a better understanding of the prison industrial complex and how cruel humans can be to each other, the takeaway for Cosette is \u003cem>Ewwwwwww, they're gross!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cosette:\u003c/strong> \"I think if I crossed paths with one of those men, I would die, just from looking them in the face.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean is too busy blinking in disbelief to respond to her convict hateration.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111581\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/blink-guy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"195\" height=\"229\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at a brothel nightclub, Marius is scandalized by being in the midst of Ms. Wall Finger and a lot of other people who've had sex before. He rushes home and tries to sleep it off, only to wake to Ms. Wall Finger in his room. Did she not see the doormat?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111583\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-1020x1020.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"640\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-800x800.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-768x768.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again-1200x1200.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/oh-no-not-you-again.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After seducing him doesn't work, Ms. Wall Finger hands him a note from her dad that reads: \u003cem>Give me money just cause. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius hands over some change and a little extra for Ms. Wall Finger. Moments later, Marius looks through the Adele peephole and watches her father take her coin away and beat her. Her father is none other than—we all guessed it—Mr. Colman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111591\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/no-god-please-no-the-office.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"240\" height=\"196\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the other side of town, Cosette is still ranting about how yucky incarcerated men are and how they must be monsters to be treated like that, when Ms. Wall Finger rolls up with a note from her dad asking for money. Jean Valjean promises to come over later that day. Well, I hope you all enjoyed those ray of sunshine moments earlier because things are about to get \u003cdel>les\u003c/del> miserable\u003cdel>s\u003c/del> again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106653\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/why-conan-crying-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette tries to warn Jean that Ms. Wall Finger gives off a very bad vibe, but Jean thinks she's just being bougie again and tells her they're definitely going over there later to get scammed, blackmailed and possibly even murdered.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few moments after stepping into the Colmans' shack and realizing who they are, Jean takes a moment to consider what an unforced error he just crafted for himself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111592\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/ive-made-a-huge-mistake-arrested-development.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean promises to return later that evening to pay a bunch of hush money and then gets Cosette the hell out of there. Behind the wall, Marius overhears the Colmans plotting to murder Jean. But I'm not that stressed 'cause surely Marius will just track Cosette and Jean down and warn them, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>UGHHHH. MARIUS GOES TO JAVERT. YOU HAD ONE JOB, MARIUS! AND YOU SCREWED IT UP! YOU'RE A VIRGIN WHO CAN'T DRIVE! *PRIMAL SCREAM*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert advises Marius to take two guns and watch from his Adele peephole until Mr. Colman and his buddies start trying to kill Jean. Then, Marius should shoot off a round or two in the ceiling. Ummm, can someone take away Javert's medal of honor now? This plan is bonkers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, when Jean arrives, he's quickly surrounded by goons. They tie him down and Mr. Colman taunts Jean with a hot poker and rambles about saving Marius' dad back in the day. Marius hears this and believes the tall tale because he's a dumb virgin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111593\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/youre-stupid-drunk-parks-and-rec-amy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"130\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I've had enough of this episode and so has Jean, who beats everyone up with only one hand. For good measure, he takes the hot poker and burns himself on the arm just to let everyone know he used to be this guy:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In summary:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111594\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/dont-fuck-with-me-fellas.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"463\" height=\"260\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius finally decides to shoot his guns (thanks for nothing, bro) and the place is stormed by Javert and a flood of cops. All the goons are still spooked by the maniac who just burned himself with a hot poker, so they just run around in circles until they're arrested. Jean, on the other hand, doesn't have time for a third incarceration so he does what he has to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111595\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/jump-out-window-break-glass.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, at the prison, Javert visits Mr. Colman and demands to know everything. Thank goodness this episode is over because all this stress is driving me to drink!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111596\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/05/stressed-out-margarita-bad-girls-club.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Pretty Much Everyone. \u003c/strong>I don't feel like I even need to explain this one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Old Gossip. \u003c/strong>This random guy held onto some very hot goss for over a decade and then unleashed it at exactly the right time. He's messy. He's random. And I love him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Cosette.\u003c/strong> Deciding not to die an old virgin was a solid choice. Congrats.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: That Nun's Hat. \u003c/strong>Nope, I'm still not over it. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Jean Valjean\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">He's a great guardian and a lovable gentle giant (when he's not burning off his own flesh), but this award is mostly for his ability to find such an Instagrammable apartment. Double tap!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111351/les-miserables-bbc-pbs-episode-3-recap-i-will-follow-him\">'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls Of Fire",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 3 Recap: Great Balls Of Fire",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Brienne-Jamie-Tormund love triangle heated up in a major way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/1120437719061225472\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But that trio's got nothing on the steaminess that went on between Arya and Gendry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111179\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/arya-dtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109446\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/02/fans-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"271\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany made this \"per my last email\" face, which could also be read as an \"If you weren't my boyfriend's sister, I would turn you into a Lunchable for my dragons\" face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111407\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-1020x572.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-1020x572.jpeg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-160x90.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-800x448.jpeg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-768x431.jpeg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q.jpeg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of said boyfriend, he finally told Dany that they're related, inspiring an official change to their Facebook relationship status.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"612\" height=\"320\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg 612w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320-160x84.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 612px) 100vw, 612px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, outside of Winterfell, the Night King prepared to annihilate all of our faves by jamming to some Drake.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/1122653091709349889\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who will survive the Battle of Winterfell, which took 55 days to film, cost $15 million to produce and is the longest battle sequence in film and television history? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone stands at attention, waiting for things to go down. Winterfell has the same \u003cem>Welp-here-goes-nothing!\u003c/em> energy as the moment Thelma and Louise clasp hands and drive off a cliff.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111410\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/thelma-louise-hands-cliff.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out of the darkness, a figure approaches. Is it the Night King walking up to say, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Let's not, actually. Sorry about all the terrorism.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! It's Melisandre, the fire witch!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqVMhN-Yit4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I still have not forgiven her for toasting little Scarface Shireen!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">And neither has Sir Davos, who mean-mugs her so intensely, Melisandre says, \"There’s no need to execute me, Sir Davos. I’ll be dead before the dawn.\" Works for me!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Battle of Winterfell begins and, from what I can see (which is not much *smashes brightness button on laptop*), things don't start off promisingly. Jorah and the Dothraki head out and everyone watches in horror as their flames are snuffed out as easily as middle schoolers squishing lightning bugs. Horses run back to Winterfell, all the way spooked. Jorah follows with a look that says, \u003cem>Yeah, we're f*cked. \u003c/em>Everyone poops in their pants just a little bit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">A tsunami of zombies overwhelms our faves. Brienne screams for everyone to stand their ground, but soon she's just screaming in general. A group of zombies try to eat her face off, but Jamie swoops in with an assist. 15 minutes in and my eye is already twitching from the stress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111281\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eye-twitch-mo-the-simpsons.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Up in the sky, Dany and Jon ride Drogon and Rhaegal and try to help, but there's a snow storm. The Al Roker of Westeros delivers this sobering forecast for the evening: 100% chance of blood-covered snow, 0% visibility, 1% chance of survival.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">On the wall, Arya and Sansa share a cute sister moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You used to annoy the crap out of me, but you're pretty cool this season, so take this dagger and head down to the crypt. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \"I don’t know how to use it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"Stick them with the pointy end.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">First of all, LOL.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Second of all, that's what Jon told Arya in their first combat lesson.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111436\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Oof, here come the tears.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But there's no time for emotions right now! Sam is about to get his eye poked out! Thankfully, that Night Watch dude none of us know by name (it's apparently Eddison Tollett) saves him. His reward: a spear through the back of his skull. Pour one out for What's His Face, everyone!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111411\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of avenging his savior and friend, Sam runs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96472\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mary-kate-olsen-eye-roll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Am I the only one screaming \"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! OH, NO!!! OMG!\" to myself? Didn't think so.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">One of my \"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! OH, NO!!! OMG!\" outbursts comes when Dany and Jon collide on their dragons because of the low visibility! I've said it in every other recap and I'll say it again. Dear \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> writers,\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, on the ground, things aren't going much better. Everyone decides to fall back. While Clegane is attempting to run back to safety, a zombie tries to take him out, but Arya's fiery arrow is too quick. I love the twisted relationship these two have built.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20661\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-75x75.gif 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The new game plan: light the trenches to keep the dead at bay. The only problem is that the dragons are busy Crash Test Dummy-ing it up in the sky and fiery arrows are being extinguished by the snow and wind! Enter Melisandre, who takes her sweet ass time walking up to the trenches. C'mon, girl, put some pep in your step!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111437\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/must-go-faster.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"152\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Melisandre says, \"Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena\" over and over again, but nothing is happening! The zombies are just about to snack on her head when—KAPOW!—the trenches explode with fire. Phew! Thanks for saving literally everyone, Melisandre, but I still have my eye on you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111438\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/lucille-arrested-look-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"289\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the crypt, Tyrion pretends to want to be up there getting his butt kicked instead of hanging with ladies and babies, drinking his weight in wine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \"If I was out there right now...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \"You’d die.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another sick comeback! Arya kills with weapons. Sansa kills with words. Be safe, you wise-cracking legend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside by the creepy crying tree, Theon is all set to protect Bran.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Theon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, sorry about taking over Winterfell that one time and generally being a prick.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>No worries! BRB!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Theon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Wait, what? This is not a great time for a nap!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Bran's eyes go white and his consciousness goes on a little field trip as a conspiracy of ravens. He immediately finds the Night King, who extends his bad manicure toward the army of the dead, instructing them to throw their bodies on the burning trenches until a bridge can form. (What a cozy show this is.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't take long for the zombies to breach the fire and start scaling Winterfell's walls. Why didn't the home team embed dragon glass shards into all the exterior walls? That would've saved us all a lot of grief, just saying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner, Clegane stands frozen. Not a great moment to succumb to PTSD, my dude. Look alive (or else you literally won't be). Nearby, Sam cries, until someone saves him again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the courtyard, we get a lingering shot of Lil Lyanna Mormont. I have a bad feeling about this....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure enough, a huge dead giant bursts through the gate and smacks her out of the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/luke-noooo.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"331\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/luke-noooo.jpeg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/luke-noooo-400x214.jpeg 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Elsewhere, Arya crowd-surfs down a stairwell full of dead folk. What a rock star. But let's not celebrate too soon; she gets her head smacked against a stone wall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111413\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/kermit-nervous.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Clegane is still PTSD-ing the battle away in a corner.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Eye Patch Dude:\u003c/strong> \"Clegane, we need you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Clegane:\u003c/strong> \"F*ck off! We can’t beat them. Can’t you see that, you stupid whore?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48702\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, Eye Patch Dude points to Arya, who's in the middle of falling off the roof, and says, \"Tell \u003cem>her\u003c/em> that.\" Clegane snaps out of it because Arya is the GOAT of \u003cem>GoT\u003c/em> and we can't have her dying halfway through this episode (...or ever).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Lil Lyanna survived the giant's smack! I think she speaks for all of us when she says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111414\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/lyanna-mormont-battle-of-winterfell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lil Lyanna runs up on the giant, who doesn't waste time snatching her up and crushing her skeleton, but not before she stabs him right in his blue contact lens!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20668\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/3c66593df89a1e418a72dbca059c85fe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"252\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">What a legend. All flags better be at half mast tomorrow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the sky, Viserion tries to ice blast his mom. Maybe he's mad about this whole new stepdad thing?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back inside Winterfell, Arya is trying to avoid hella zombies in the library from hell. She can't really see because of her concussion. It's a good thing she was blind that one season, huh? Arya throws a book as a diversion and tries to hustle out of there, only to run into a dead woman who is quickly made even more dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111415\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/arya-zombie-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If anyone survives this battle, there's going to be a whole lot of laundry and cleaning up to do. Getting it all done might take as long as it took Dany to let her dragons out of that dark dungeon a couple of years ago. (Yes, I still have a lot of feelings about that.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Unfortunately, Arya is still not in the clear. Zombies are all over her when Eye Patch Dude saves the day. Clegane snatches Arya up like an In-N-Out to-go order and hauls her out of there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111416\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/to-go-arya-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They make it to a safe room, where Eye Patch Dude dies from his gazillion stab wounds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111441\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-rbg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Melisandre is randomly in the shadows and asks Arya, \"What do we say to the god of Death?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Arya quickly responds with: \"Not today!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106890\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-today-satan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, the Night King swoops down and makes Viserion ice blast Winterfell. Um, excuse me, we just dealt with our emotions about the Notre Dame. Can we please keep these historic structures sound?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon clearly feels the same way because he shows up and things quickly turn into Dragon Mortal Kombat. There's scratching! There's pyromania! There's neck biting! Dany shows up and flings the Night King right off Viserion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111417\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/night-king-got-bye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon crash lands and, from the looks of it, Rhaegal is either really hurt or dead. WHAT DID I SAY, \u003cem>GAME OF THRONES\u003c/em> WRITERS?!?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany flies down and finds the Ice King just standing there like a weirdo. She lights his ass up! Party time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106880\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/troll-dance-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"372\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, hold up. He's still alive!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111418\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Oh-hai-night-king-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon tries to sneak up on him, but the Night King uses his bad manicure again to revive all the humans who've died tonight. And not just the ones outside the gates either. Little Lyanna wakes up with blue contacts! So does What's His Butt from the Night Watch! And presumably Eye Patch Dude too! In this moment, the message to Jon is clear:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111419\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/run-forrest-run.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, Sam's girlfriend is chilling in the crypt when a skeletal hand shoots out of one of the tombs! Good thing Sansa has that dagger, right? \u003cspan class=\"s1\">😫😫😫😫😫😫\u003c/span> Everyone runs around as the dead gobble up women and children. THIS SHOW, MY GOD!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside by the tree, Theon is lighting hoes up. Bran is still out of office.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111420\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/ron-harry-potter-confused.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Just when it looks like Jon is about to meet his end on the battlefield, Dany rolls up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111421\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/GET-IN-LOSER-GOT.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ack! A f*ckton of zombies jump all over Drogon and stab him all over his body! What an unforced error on Dany's part! I am livid!!!! This is what happens when you get the hots for your nephew! Drogon flies away without Dany and desperately tries shaking the zombies off. I can't watch!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Now it's Dany's turn to almost die. Jorah saves her in the nick of time. She's still not gonna sleep with you, but thanks for looking out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back inside Winterfell, Sam needs saving again. I’m sorry to say this, but we should just let him die at this point, right? He doesn’t have the range.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the crypt, the words of Antoine Dodson's viral clip echo against the wall: \"Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife.\" Sansa and Tyrion are doing just that behind a tomb. Piano keys tinkle as Tyrion kisses Sansa’s hand, perhaps for the last time, as they take out their daggers. Sansa is like, \u003cem>Welp, let’s go re-kill some of my ancestors and see what happens. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Theon is still doing his best to guard Bran, who is still catching some zzz's or whatever. Look alive, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111422\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/come-on-now-wake-up-bad-girls-club.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"286\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Time to check in with Sam again. Oh, he's STILL just sitting around and crying. How is he still alive??????? I think he should either try to help in some way or just let Lil Lyanna munch his face off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In It's-about-time! news: Bran finally signs back onto AOL Instant Messenger.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111423\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/aol-dialup-connecting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"302\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the Night King and his homies approach, Bran looks at Theon and says, \"You're a good man. Thank you.\" Weak toast! This guy just slaughtered hundreds of zombies over many hours for you and that's all you got? For Theon, it seems to be enough though. He lets a tear fall before charging at the Night King and quickly getting murdered.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111424\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the courtyard, Viserion (or is it a dead Rhaegal or Drogon, who can tell?!) lets all those stepdaddy issues out by relentlessly blasting Jon with ice fire. Meanwhile, outside the gates, Jorah is getting shish-kebab-ed left and right, while Dany stands there thinking, \u003cem>Wow, this is really bad.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back at the tree, Bran gives the Night King a dose of what he does best: creepily holding eye contact for way too long. The Night King is thorougly weirded out and decides to put an end to this staring contest. He reaches for his weapon and then ARYA MOTHER F*CKING STARK LEAPS OUT OF NOWHERE. THE NIGHT KING CHOKES HER AND SHE LETS HER DAGGER FALL, ONLY TO STAB HIM FROM BELOW LIKE SHE PRACTICED WITH BRIENNE THAT ONE TIME. THE NIGHT KING BURSTS INTO A MILLION ICE PARTICLES, AS DO ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! AND YES, THE REST OF THIS RECAP WILL BE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE YAAAAAAS!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-7660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mrual4lQ0P1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"195\" height=\"130\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-arrested-development.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-kid.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yass-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"391\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-55597\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/yass-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS, BUT SPECIFICALLY ARYA.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19942\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I CREATED A LITTLE VIDEO OF WHAT THE REACTION AROUND THE WORLD WAS TO ARYA SLAYING THE NIGHT KING:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty/status/1122712859421499393\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OH, BTW, JORAH TOTALLY DIED. LATER, BRO! YOU SEEMED CHILL. AS DANY CRIES OVER HIS BODY, A DRAGON (THE LAST LIVING?) CUDDLES HER.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/1361.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">AS THE SUN COMES UP, MELISANDRE'S PROPHECY COMES TRUE AS SHE TAKES OFF HER YOUTH CRYSTAL, WALKS TOWARD THE HORIZON, TURNS INTO THAT OLD LADY FROM \u003cem>TITANIC\u003c/em> AND DIES. THANKS FOR NOT BEING TOTALLY AWFUL IN THE END.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111440\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-younger.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"385\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I can't end this recap without paying homage to our fallen heroes. Click play on the abused puppy Sarah McLachlan song below and scroll down through the faces we will never see again (*chokes back sob*):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SiylvmFI_8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111429\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM.png 944w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM-768x430.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111425\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jorah-got.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"701\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jorah-got.jpg 480w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jorah-got-160x234.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111426\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-1020x1022.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"641\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-1020x1022.jpeg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-160x160.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-800x801.jpeg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-768x769.jpeg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-1198x1200.jpeg 1198w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre.jpeg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111427\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eddison-wall-got.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"316\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eddison-wall-got.png 316w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eddison-wall-got-160x248.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 316px) 100vw, 316px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111428\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/beric-got.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"700\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/beric-got.jpg 500w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/beric-got-160x224.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111430\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/theon-grejoy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"636\" height=\"720\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/theon-grejoy.jpg 636w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/theon-grejoy-160x181.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 636px) 100vw, 636px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the Brienne-Jamie-Tormund love triangle heated up in a major way.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>But that trio's got nothing on the steaminess that went on between Arya and Gendry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111179\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/arya-dtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109446\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/02/fans-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"271\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany made this \"per my last email\" face, which could also be read as an \"If you weren't my boyfriend's sister, I would turn you into a Lunchable for my dragons\" face.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111407\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-1020x572.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"359\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-1020x572.jpeg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-160x90.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-800x448.jpeg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q-768x431.jpeg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/D4yXmf0X4AY3R9q.jpeg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of said boyfriend, he finally told Dany that they're related, inspiring an official change to their Facebook relationship status.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"612\" height=\"320\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg 612w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320-160x84.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 612px) 100vw, 612px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, outside of Winterfell, the Night King prepared to annihilate all of our faves by jamming to some Drake.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>Who will survive the Battle of Winterfell, which took 55 days to film, cost $15 million to produce and is the longest battle sequence in film and television history? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone stands at attention, waiting for things to go down. Winterfell has the same \u003cem>Welp-here-goes-nothing!\u003c/em> energy as the moment Thelma and Louise clasp hands and drive off a cliff.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111410\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/thelma-louise-hands-cliff.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out of the darkness, a figure approaches. Is it the Night King walking up to say, \u003cem>Hey, y'all. Let's not, actually. Sorry about all the terrorism.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! It's Melisandre, the fire witch!\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/xqVMhN-Yit4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/xqVMhN-Yit4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>I still have not forgiven her for toasting little Scarface Shireen!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">And neither has Sir Davos, who mean-mugs her so intensely, Melisandre says, \"There’s no need to execute me, Sir Davos. I’ll be dead before the dawn.\" Works for me!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Battle of Winterfell begins and, from what I can see (which is not much *smashes brightness button on laptop*), things don't start off promisingly. Jorah and the Dothraki head out and everyone watches in horror as their flames are snuffed out as easily as middle schoolers squishing lightning bugs. Horses run back to Winterfell, all the way spooked. Jorah follows with a look that says, \u003cem>Yeah, we're f*cked. \u003c/em>Everyone poops in their pants just a little bit.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">A tsunami of zombies overwhelms our faves. Brienne screams for everyone to stand their ground, but soon she's just screaming in general. A group of zombies try to eat her face off, but Jamie swoops in with an assist. 15 minutes in and my eye is already twitching from the stress.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111281\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eye-twitch-mo-the-simpsons.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Up in the sky, Dany and Jon ride Drogon and Rhaegal and try to help, but there's a snow storm. The Al Roker of Westeros delivers this sobering forecast for the evening: 100% chance of blood-covered snow, 0% visibility, 1% chance of survival.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">On the wall, Arya and Sansa share a cute sister moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>You used to annoy the crap out of me, but you're pretty cool this season, so take this dagger and head down to the crypt. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \"I don’t know how to use it.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"Stick them with the pointy end.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">First of all, LOL.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Second of all, that's what Jon told Arya in their first combat lesson.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111436\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-1020x574.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773-1200x675.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/IMG_5773.jpg 1280w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Oof, here come the tears.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">But there's no time for emotions right now! Sam is about to get his eye poked out! Thankfully, that Night Watch dude none of us know by name (it's apparently Eddison Tollett) saves him. His reward: a spear through the back of his skull. Pour one out for What's His Face, everyone!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111411\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead of avenging his savior and friend, Sam runs.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96472\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/mary-kate-olsen-eye-roll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Am I the only one screaming \"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! OH, NO!!! OMG!\" to myself? Didn't think so.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">One of my \"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! OH, NO!!! OMG!\" outbursts comes when Dany and Jon collide on their dragons because of the low visibility! I've said it in every other recap and I'll say it again. Dear \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em> writers,\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, on the ground, things aren't going much better. Everyone decides to fall back. While Clegane is attempting to run back to safety, a zombie tries to take him out, but Arya's fiery arrow is too quick. I love the twisted relationship these two have built.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20661\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/200x200px-ZC-1e7a4ded_Crying-Mariah-Carey-75x75.gif 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The new game plan: light the trenches to keep the dead at bay. The only problem is that the dragons are busy Crash Test Dummy-ing it up in the sky and fiery arrows are being extinguished by the snow and wind! Enter Melisandre, who takes her sweet ass time walking up to the trenches. C'mon, girl, put some pep in your step!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111437\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/must-go-faster.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"152\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Melisandre says, \"Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena\" over and over again, but nothing is happening! The zombies are just about to snack on her head when—KAPOW!—the trenches explode with fire. Phew! Thanks for saving literally everyone, Melisandre, but I still have my eye on you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111438\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/lucille-arrested-look-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"289\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the crypt, Tyrion pretends to want to be up there getting his butt kicked instead of hanging with ladies and babies, drinking his weight in wine.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \"If I was out there right now...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \"You’d die.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another sick comeback! Arya kills with weapons. Sansa kills with words. Be safe, you wise-cracking legend.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside by the creepy crying tree, Theon is all set to protect Bran.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Theon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, sorry about taking over Winterfell that one time and generally being a prick.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>No worries! BRB!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Theon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Wait, what? This is not a great time for a nap!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Bran's eyes go white and his consciousness goes on a little field trip as a conspiracy of ravens. He immediately finds the Night King, who extends his bad manicure toward the army of the dead, instructing them to throw their bodies on the burning trenches until a bridge can form. (What a cozy show this is.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It doesn't take long for the zombies to breach the fire and start scaling Winterfell's walls. Why didn't the home team embed dragon glass shards into all the exterior walls? That would've saved us all a lot of grief, just saying.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a corner, Clegane stands frozen. Not a great moment to succumb to PTSD, my dude. Look alive (or else you literally won't be). Nearby, Sam cries, until someone saves him again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-42283\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/lc-eyeroll-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"375\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the courtyard, we get a lingering shot of Lil Lyanna Mormont. I have a bad feeling about this....\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure enough, a huge dead giant bursts through the gate and smacks her out of the way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/luke-noooo.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"331\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/luke-noooo.jpeg 620w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/luke-noooo-400x214.jpeg 400w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Elsewhere, Arya crowd-surfs down a stairwell full of dead folk. What a rock star. But let's not celebrate too soon; she gets her head smacked against a stone wall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111413\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/kermit-nervous.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Clegane is still PTSD-ing the battle away in a corner.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Eye Patch Dude:\u003c/strong> \"Clegane, we need you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Clegane:\u003c/strong> \"F*ck off! We can’t beat them. Can’t you see that, you stupid whore?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-48702\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/CherylLaugh.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, Eye Patch Dude points to Arya, who's in the middle of falling off the roof, and says, \"Tell \u003cem>her\u003c/em> that.\" Clegane snaps out of it because Arya is the GOAT of \u003cem>GoT\u003c/em> and we can't have her dying halfway through this episode (...or ever).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Lil Lyanna survived the giant's smack! I think she speaks for all of us when she says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111414\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/lyanna-mormont-battle-of-winterfell.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lil Lyanna runs up on the giant, who doesn't waste time snatching her up and crushing her skeleton, but not before she stabs him right in his blue contact lens!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-20668\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/02/3c66593df89a1e418a72dbca059c85fe.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"252\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">What a legend. All flags better be at half mast tomorrow.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the sky, Viserion tries to ice blast his mom. Maybe he's mad about this whole new stepdad thing?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back inside Winterfell, Arya is trying to avoid hella zombies in the library from hell. She can't really see because of her concussion. It's a good thing she was blind that one season, huh? Arya throws a book as a diversion and tries to hustle out of there, only to run into a dead woman who is quickly made even more dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111415\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/arya-zombie-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If anyone survives this battle, there's going to be a whole lot of laundry and cleaning up to do. Getting it all done might take as long as it took Dany to let her dragons out of that dark dungeon a couple of years ago. (Yes, I still have a lot of feelings about that.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Unfortunately, Arya is still not in the clear. Zombies are all over her when Eye Patch Dude saves the day. Clegane snatches Arya up like an In-N-Out to-go order and hauls her out of there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111416\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/to-go-arya-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They make it to a safe room, where Eye Patch Dude dies from his gazillion stab wounds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111441\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-rbg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Melisandre is randomly in the shadows and asks Arya, \"What do we say to the god of Death?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Arya quickly responds with: \"Not today!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106890\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/not-today-satan.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside, the Night King swoops down and makes Viserion ice blast Winterfell. Um, excuse me, we just dealt with our emotions about the Notre Dame. Can we please keep these historic structures sound?!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon clearly feels the same way because he shows up and things quickly turn into Dragon Mortal Kombat. There's scratching! There's pyromania! There's neck biting! Dany shows up and flings the Night King right off Viserion.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111417\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/night-king-got-bye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon crash lands and, from the looks of it, Rhaegal is either really hurt or dead. WHAT DID I SAY, \u003cem>GAME OF THRONES\u003c/em> WRITERS?!?!?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Dany flies down and finds the Ice King just standing there like a weirdo. She lights his ass up! Party time!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106880\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/troll-dance-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"372\" height=\"254\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, hold up. He's still alive!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111418\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Oh-hai-night-king-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Jon tries to sneak up on him, but the Night King uses his bad manicure again to revive all the humans who've died tonight. And not just the ones outside the gates either. Little Lyanna wakes up with blue contacts! So does What's His Butt from the Night Watch! And presumably Eye Patch Dude too! In this moment, the message to Jon is clear:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111419\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/run-forrest-run.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Meanwhile, Sam's girlfriend is chilling in the crypt when a skeletal hand shoots out of one of the tombs! Good thing Sansa has that dagger, right? \u003cspan class=\"s1\">😫😫😫😫😫😫\u003c/span> Everyone runs around as the dead gobble up women and children. THIS SHOW, MY GOD!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside by the tree, Theon is lighting hoes up. Bran is still out of office.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111420\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/ron-harry-potter-confused.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"214\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Just when it looks like Jon is about to meet his end on the battlefield, Dany rolls up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111421\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/GET-IN-LOSER-GOT.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Ack! A f*ckton of zombies jump all over Drogon and stab him all over his body! What an unforced error on Dany's part! I am livid!!!! This is what happens when you get the hots for your nephew! Drogon flies away without Dany and desperately tries shaking the zombies off. I can't watch!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98856\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/wendy-cant.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"148\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Now it's Dany's turn to almost die. Jorah saves her in the nick of time. She's still not gonna sleep with you, but thanks for looking out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back inside Winterfell, Sam needs saving again. I’m sorry to say this, but we should just let him die at this point, right? He doesn’t have the range.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the crypt, the words of Antoine Dodson's viral clip echo against the wall: \"Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife.\" Sansa and Tyrion are doing just that behind a tomb. Piano keys tinkle as Tyrion kisses Sansa’s hand, perhaps for the last time, as they take out their daggers. Sansa is like, \u003cem>Welp, let’s go re-kill some of my ancestors and see what happens. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, Theon is still doing his best to guard Bran, who is still catching some zzz's or whatever. Look alive, girl!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111422\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/come-on-now-wake-up-bad-girls-club.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"450\" height=\"286\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Time to check in with Sam again. Oh, he's STILL just sitting around and crying. How is he still alive??????? I think he should either try to help in some way or just let Lil Lyanna munch his face off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In It's-about-time! news: Bran finally signs back onto AOL Instant Messenger.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111423\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/aol-dialup-connecting.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"302\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the Night King and his homies approach, Bran looks at Theon and says, \"You're a good man. Thank you.\" Weak toast! This guy just slaughtered hundreds of zombies over many hours for you and that's all you got? For Theon, it seems to be enough though. He lets a tear fall before charging at the Night King and quickly getting murdered.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111424\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">In the courtyard, Viserion (or is it a dead Rhaegal or Drogon, who can tell?!) lets all those stepdaddy issues out by relentlessly blasting Jon with ice fire. Meanwhile, outside the gates, Jorah is getting shish-kebab-ed left and right, while Dany stands there thinking, \u003cem>Wow, this is really bad.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Back at the tree, Bran gives the Night King a dose of what he does best: creepily holding eye contact for way too long. The Night King is thorougly weirded out and decides to put an end to this staring contest. He reaches for his weapon and then ARYA MOTHER F*CKING STARK LEAPS OUT OF NOWHERE. THE NIGHT KING CHOKES HER AND SHE LETS HER DAGGER FALL, ONLY TO STAB HIM FROM BELOW LIKE SHE PRACTICED WITH BRIENNE THAT ONE TIME. THE NIGHT KING BURSTS INTO A MILLION ICE PARTICLES, AS DO ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! AND YES, THE REST OF THIS RECAP WILL BE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE YAAAAAAS!!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-7660\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mrual4lQ0P1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"195\" height=\"130\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-arrested-development.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107563\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/excited-kid.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96625\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/yass-beyonce.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101826\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/excited.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-43532\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/sailor-moon-excited-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"391\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-55597\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/12/yass-party.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS, BUT SPECIFICALLY ARYA.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19942\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/giphy-2.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"230\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I CREATED A LITTLE VIDEO OF WHAT THE REACTION AROUND THE WORLD WAS TO ARYA SLAYING THE NIGHT KING:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\n\u003cp>OH, BTW, JORAH TOTALLY DIED. LATER, BRO! YOU SEEMED CHILL. AS DANY CRIES OVER HIS BODY, A DRAGON (THE LAST LIVING?) CUDDLES HER.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-19941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/01/1361.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"350\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">AS THE SUN COMES UP, MELISANDRE'S PROPHECY COMES TRUE AS SHE TAKES OFF HER YOUTH CRYSTAL, WALKS TOWARD THE HORIZON, TURNS INTO THAT OLD LADY FROM \u003cem>TITANIC\u003c/em> AND DIES. THANKS FOR NOT BEING TOTALLY AWFUL IN THE END.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111440\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pour-one-out-younger.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"385\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I can't end this recap without paying homage to our fallen heroes. Click play on the abused puppy Sarah McLachlan song below and scroll down through the faces we will never see again (*chokes back sob*):\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/1SiylvmFI_8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/1SiylvmFI_8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111429\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"358\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM.png 944w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM-160x89.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM-800x447.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-28-at-11.17.09-PM-768x430.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111425\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jorah-got.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"701\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jorah-got.jpg 480w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jorah-got-160x234.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111426\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-1020x1022.jpeg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"641\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-1020x1022.jpeg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-160x160.jpeg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-800x801.jpeg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-768x769.jpeg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre-1198x1200.jpeg 1198w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/melisandre.jpeg 1200w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111427\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eddison-wall-got.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"316\" height=\"490\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eddison-wall-got.png 316w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eddison-wall-got-160x248.png 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 316px) 100vw, 316px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111428\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/beric-got.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"700\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/beric-got.jpg 500w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/beric-got-160x224.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\"> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111430\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/theon-grejoy.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"636\" height=\"720\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/theon-grejoy.jpg 636w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/theon-grejoy-160x181.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 636px) 100vw, 636px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111174/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-2-recap-lets-get-it-on\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>Fantine effortlessly bounced back from her breakup with Felix and treated herself by getting a fun 1990s makeover!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg 876w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-160x209.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-800x1043.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-768x1001.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Juuuuust kidding. A scammer played by Olivia Colman took one look at Fantine and Cosette, saw money signs and decided to ruin their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111280\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/olivia-colman-les-miserables-fantine-cosette-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"374\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Olivia Colman couldn't destroy their lives by herself. She also had the help of this creepy-faced woman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-weird-lady-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of creepy faces, Pontmercy Grandpa's mug was really something last episode. I can see why the \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> casting director rejected him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"772\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png 772w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-768x464.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 772px) 100vw, 772px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Beware of learning makeup skills from YouTube tutorials made by these two:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111304\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"550\" height=\"539\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg 550w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-160x157.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-800x600.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-768x576.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1200x900.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1920x1440.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, Jean Valjean underwent quite the glow-up, going from Red Hulk:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To Hubba Hubba Hulk:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111321\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-1020x474.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"297\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-160x74.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-800x372.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-768x357.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not only did his complexion greatly improve, but he also transformed into the Oprah of Montreuil, handing out jobs to anyone and everyone:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-get-a-oprah-car-job.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I could go on about the more terrible things that happened last episode (Fantine's visit to the hairdresser! Fantine's visit to the dentist! Fantine's visit to her death bed!), but I've already done that in \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">the last recap\u003c/a>. Also, this gif I made pretty much sums it all up:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111339\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/me-watching-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What absurdly tragic things will occur this week? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Fantine where we left her, on her death bed, struggling to breathe. A nurse tells her that Jean Valjean has gone to fetch Cosette. She cracks a small smile, just like I might crack open an alcoholic drink to deal with another hour of French misery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's distract ourselves for a moment with a fun fact (brought to my attention by Maryanne, a reader of the last recap): The actress who plays Fantine is PHIL COLLINS' DAUGHTER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else whose mind is being blown: Jean Fauxjean, the random man wrongly accused of being Prisoner #24601. Javert and three prisoners all give sworn testimonies that sound like this: \"Is that Jean Valjean? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ but let's go with yes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before Jean Fauxjean is sentenced in draconian fashion, the real Jean Valjean loses his cool.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111382\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/ENOUGH-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And reveals his true identity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/real-slim-shady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean calls out the three lying prisoners by mentioning factoids he knows about each of them. \u003cem>Hey, Prisoner #24602, you have a tramp stamp tattoo! And Prisoner #24603, your favorite Spice Girl is Sporty! And Prisoner #24604, you hate cilantro! \u003c/em>Everyone in the courthouse is shook.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Fauxjean's reaction:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/oprah-what-is-going-on-confused.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inspector Javert's reaction:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While being taken to prison in cuffs, Jean Valjean spots Ms. Creepy Face in the crowd and asks if she went to fetch Cosette as he asked. She didn't because she's a monster. I think I speak for all of us when I say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111403\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pie-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"489\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean doesn't have a pie handy so he smashes past the guards and chases her trifling, no good butt down!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111385\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-jean-valjean-running.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's not worth the trouble, so he lets her go and rushes to Fantine's bedside. Jean and the nurse give Fantine a reason to live by saying Cosette is there and will come in once she gets better. Enter Javert who barks about how Fantine and Jean Valjean are \"the scum of the earth.\" Um, dude, the woman has no teeth and is gasping for her last breaths, maybe consider dialing down the evil just a smidge?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert hates that idea and dials the evil up to 15, revealing to Fantine that Jean Valjean never went to get Cosette. Having had quite enough of everyone being the absolute worst, Fantine cashes in her one-way ticket to heaven.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/and-now-im-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"430\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Javert is a sociopath, he responds with, \"She's dead and you're my prisoner!\" Someone, please throw a dead horse on this man! Jean Valjean's hands are cuffed, which makes throwing animal corpses very difficult, so he settles for screaming in his general direction.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111387\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jean-valjean-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the prison, they roughly chop off Jean Valjean's hair (they could have given him flattering layers but nooooo) and throw him in with Tramp Stamp, Sporty Spice Lover, Cilantro Hater and all the other prisoners. Jean Valjean tests one of the bars to see if it's loose. It isn't, but no worries; Jean managed to smuggle a chisel in his mouth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, TWO YEARS PASS. So I'm guessing that chisel plan didn't work out? Fantine's ghost is like this right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-103627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/05/judge-judy-watch-impatient-annoyed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside of the Colman's inn, a busted-looking Cosette is doing hard labor when she spots a doll pop-up shop. It belongs to the creep who bought Fantine's hair and teeth. Cosette is captivated by one particular doll. Before she can realize, \u003cem>Hey, that's my mom's hair, you jerk!\u003c/em>, Olivia Colman shows up and beats Cosette for not working hard enough. Where's a cream pie when you need one?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back inside the inn, Olivia Colman chases Cosette around and whips her, while everyone cheers. Someone fetch me a time machine. I'm ready to help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111389\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/want-me-to-kill-them.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, while fetching water at the creek, a shadowy figure appears behind Cosette. It's Jean Valjean! Sorry I doubted you, little mouth chisel!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean helps Cosette haul the buckets back to the inn and quickly learns that her caretakers belong in the ninth circle of Hell (the one reserved for treachery; I looked it up). He notices that the Colman's two daughters don't have to work and have fancy dolls, so Jean Valjean says, \u003cem>Hold my beer\u003c/em>, leaves for a few minutes and comes back with a doll for Cosette. It's the one made with Fantine's hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111390\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/burst-into-tears.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \"I have a wish to see the child playing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Olivia Colman:\u003c/strong> \"And who is going to serve you your supper?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \"You, madam. Now bring me my supper, woman.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111391\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-her-jade-coco-montrese.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Mr. Colman shows Jean Valjean to his room and offers to prostitute Cosette out to him for a price. Sorry, I don't make the rules, but the Colmans officially have to die now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111388\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-have-to-kill-them-no-naomi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead, Jean Valjean pays them a crazy amount of money to adopt Cosette. Not exactly what I had in mind, but this will do, I suppose. (Although, for real, they should die.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few minutes after Jean Valjean and Cosette leave, Mr. Colman catches up with them. He wants even more money and pulls a gun on them. OMG, DIE ALREADY! Time to hulk out, Jean. SMASH HIM!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111393\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/hulk-punch-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean knocks the gun away and puts Mr. Colman in a choke-hold and scares him off. Again, not exactly what I had in mind, but I'll take whatever morsel of good I can get out of this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yay1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean and Cosette make their way to Paris. When they arrive, Cosette asks if she still has to be a child slave. Jean Valjean replies, \"No, you don't have to sweep or go to the wood to fetch water. You don't have to do anything, except eat and sleep and play.\" Cosette is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111394\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/kacey-musgraves-what.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"286\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We get a cozy montage of Cosette learning new things, being happy and showing off her new dad around town. Can the story just end here, before any more bad stuff can happen?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! A neighbor is already snooping around and asking too many questions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111395\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/nosy-neighbor-lady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette calls her a \"nosy old bitch.\" If any child has earned the right to sling curse words, it's for sure Cosette.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111396\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cussing-olsen-twin.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"390\" height=\"428\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to the police headquarters (ughhhhh, here we go again). Javert is back on his bullshit, \u003cdel>destroying lives for fun\u003c/del> implementing the law. After reading an incident report from the Colmans about how someone abducted Cosette, Javert looks into the claim and quickly realizes the Colmans are scammers. Great, so that means he'll leave Jean Valjean and Cosette in peace, right? Yeah, not so much. He commissions an artist to sketch a mugshot and pastes it all around Paris. It doesn't take long for the \"nosy old\" you-know-what to go tattling. 19TH-CENTURY FRANCE IS THE WORST!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39750\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Javert and a bunch of cops chasing Jean Valjean and Cosette through the streets. Cornered, Jean manages to climb over the city wall and plop into a convent. The nuns are like, \u003cem>GTFO! The only man we tolerate is Jesus. \u003c/em>(I don't blame them.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert sniffs out where Jean and Cosette are hiding and bangs on the convent door, demanding to be let in. The head nun thinks about it and then says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Head Nun:\u003c/strong> \"No man has stepped foot in this convent for many years, nor will do.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What a queen! We stan!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Jean Valjean offers Head Nun a proposition: he'll scram, as long as she takes care of Cosette. Head Nun has a counter-offer: she'll take care of Cosette, hire Jean as a gardener and let him stay hidden on the grounds so he can continue kicking it with Cosette.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/celebrate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at Jean and Cosette's former apartment, Javert is fuming. \"HE WILL NEVER GET AWAY! SEARCH EVERYWHERE! HE WILL BE FOUND!\" Dude seriously needs to...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111397\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-life-jerk-weed-pete-and-pete.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Colmans, Nosy Old You-Know-What, Ms. Creepy Face, Javert and Pretty Much Everyone Else. \u003c/strong>Karma is fashionably late, but she's coming for your necks!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Fantine. \u003c/strong>I dreamed a dream that she would get to star in \u003cem>Kill Bill 3: Fantine's Revenge\u003c/em>, but things didn't really work out that way. We'll always have this Photoshop image though.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Cosette. \u003c/strong>But all is not lost! Now that Cosette is free, she's available to star in \u003cem>Kill Bill 3: Cosette's Revenge\u003c/em>! So many people to kill, so little time.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Jean Valjean. \u003c/strong>His transformation into a certified DILF brings a tear to my eye and a tingle to my... you know what, nevermind.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Head Nun\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">My heart already belongs to a lot of nuns from \u003cem>The Sound of Music\u003c/em> and \u003cem>Sister Act\u003c/em>, but I'm definitely making room for one more. Bless her heart (and her ability to shut down overly confident men)!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need a laugh or two after this week's intense episode? This recap has your back!",
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"description": "Need a laugh or two after this week's intense episode? This recap has your back!",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him | KQED",
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"headline": "'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>Fantine effortlessly bounced back from her breakup with Felix and treated herself by getting a fun 1990s makeover!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg 876w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-160x209.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-800x1043.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-768x1001.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Juuuuust kidding. A scammer played by Olivia Colman took one look at Fantine and Cosette, saw money signs and decided to ruin their lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111280\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/olivia-colman-les-miserables-fantine-cosette-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"374\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But Olivia Colman couldn't destroy their lives by herself. She also had the help of this creepy-faced woman.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"type": "contentString",
"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-weird-lady-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of creepy faces, Pontmercy Grandpa's mug was really something last episode. I can see why the \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> casting director rejected him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"772\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png 772w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-768x464.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 772px) 100vw, 772px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Beware of learning makeup skills from YouTube tutorials made by these two:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111304\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"550\" height=\"539\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg 550w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-160x157.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-800x600.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-768x576.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1200x900.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1920x1440.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the flip side, Jean Valjean underwent quite the glow-up, going from Red Hulk:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To Hubba Hubba Hulk:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111321\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-1020x474.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"297\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-160x74.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-800x372.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-768x357.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not only did his complexion greatly improve, but he also transformed into the Oprah of Montreuil, handing out jobs to anyone and everyone:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-get-a-oprah-car-job.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I could go on about the more terrible things that happened last episode (Fantine's visit to the hairdresser! Fantine's visit to the dentist! Fantine's visit to her death bed!), but I've already done that in \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">the last recap\u003c/a>. Also, this gif I made pretty much sums it all up:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111339\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/me-watching-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What absurdly tragic things will occur this week? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We find Fantine where we left her, on her death bed, struggling to breathe. A nurse tells her that Jean Valjean has gone to fetch Cosette. She cracks a small smile, just like I might crack open an alcoholic drink to deal with another hour of French misery.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's distract ourselves for a moment with a fun fact (brought to my attention by Maryanne, a reader of the last recap): The actress who plays Fantine is PHIL COLLINS' DAUGHTER!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-98555\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/mind-blown-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"315\" height=\"210\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else whose mind is being blown: Jean Fauxjean, the random man wrongly accused of being Prisoner #24601. Javert and three prisoners all give sworn testimonies that sound like this: \"Is that Jean Valjean? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ but let's go with yes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Right before Jean Fauxjean is sentenced in draconian fashion, the real Jean Valjean loses his cool.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111382\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/ENOUGH-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And reveals his true identity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111383\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/real-slim-shady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"334\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean calls out the three lying prisoners by mentioning factoids he knows about each of them. \u003cem>Hey, Prisoner #24602, you have a tramp stamp tattoo! And Prisoner #24603, your favorite Spice Girl is Sporty! And Prisoner #24604, you hate cilantro! \u003c/em>Everyone in the courthouse is shook.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Fauxjean's reaction:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111384\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/oprah-what-is-going-on-confused.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inspector Javert's reaction:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38941\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/giphy-11.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While being taken to prison in cuffs, Jean Valjean spots Ms. Creepy Face in the crowd and asks if she went to fetch Cosette as he asked. She didn't because she's a monster. I think I speak for all of us when I say:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111403\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pie-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"489\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean doesn't have a pie handy so he smashes past the guards and chases her trifling, no good butt down!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111385\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-jean-valjean-running.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's not worth the trouble, so he lets her go and rushes to Fantine's bedside. Jean and the nurse give Fantine a reason to live by saying Cosette is there and will come in once she gets better. Enter Javert who barks about how Fantine and Jean Valjean are \"the scum of the earth.\" Um, dude, the woman has no teeth and is gasping for her last breaths, maybe consider dialing down the evil just a smidge?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert hates that idea and dials the evil up to 15, revealing to Fantine that Jean Valjean never went to get Cosette. Having had quite enough of everyone being the absolute worst, Fantine cashes in her one-way ticket to heaven.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111386\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/and-now-im-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"430\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Javert is a sociopath, he responds with, \"She's dead and you're my prisoner!\" Someone, please throw a dead horse on this man! Jean Valjean's hands are cuffed, which makes throwing animal corpses very difficult, so he settles for screaming in his general direction.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111387\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/jean-valjean-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the prison, they roughly chop off Jean Valjean's hair (they could have given him flattering layers but nooooo) and throw him in with Tramp Stamp, Sporty Spice Lover, Cilantro Hater and all the other prisoners. Jean Valjean tests one of the bars to see if it's loose. It isn't, but no worries; Jean managed to smuggle a chisel in his mouth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, TWO YEARS PASS. So I'm guessing that chisel plan didn't work out? Fantine's ghost is like this right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-103627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/05/judge-judy-watch-impatient-annoyed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside of the Colman's inn, a busted-looking Cosette is doing hard labor when she spots a doll pop-up shop. It belongs to the creep who bought Fantine's hair and teeth. Cosette is captivated by one particular doll. Before she can realize, \u003cem>Hey, that's my mom's hair, you jerk!\u003c/em>, Olivia Colman shows up and beats Cosette for not working hard enough. Where's a cream pie when you need one?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back inside the inn, Olivia Colman chases Cosette around and whips her, while everyone cheers. Someone fetch me a time machine. I'm ready to help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111389\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/want-me-to-kill-them.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that night, while fetching water at the creek, a shadowy figure appears behind Cosette. It's Jean Valjean! Sorry I doubted you, little mouth chisel!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean helps Cosette haul the buckets back to the inn and quickly learns that her caretakers belong in the ninth circle of Hell (the one reserved for treachery; I looked it up). He notices that the Colman's two daughters don't have to work and have fancy dolls, so Jean Valjean says, \u003cem>Hold my beer\u003c/em>, leaves for a few minutes and comes back with a doll for Cosette. It's the one made with Fantine's hair.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111390\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/burst-into-tears.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \"I have a wish to see the child playing.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Olivia Colman:\u003c/strong> \"And who is going to serve you your supper?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jean Valjean:\u003c/strong> \"You, madam. Now bring me my supper, woman.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111391\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-her-jade-coco-montrese.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"322\" height=\"248\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Mr. Colman shows Jean Valjean to his room and offers to prostitute Cosette out to him for a price. Sorry, I don't make the rules, but the Colmans officially have to die now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111388\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-have-to-kill-them-no-naomi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"250\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead, Jean Valjean pays them a crazy amount of money to adopt Cosette. Not exactly what I had in mind, but this will do, I suppose. (Although, for real, they should die.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few minutes after Jean Valjean and Cosette leave, Mr. Colman catches up with them. He wants even more money and pulls a gun on them. OMG, DIE ALREADY! Time to hulk out, Jean. SMASH HIM!!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111393\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/hulk-punch-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean knocks the gun away and puts Mr. Colman in a choke-hold and scares him off. Again, not exactly what I had in mind, but I'll take whatever morsel of good I can get out of this show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101635\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yay1.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"381\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean and Cosette make their way to Paris. When they arrive, Cosette asks if she still has to be a child slave. Jean Valjean replies, \"No, you don't have to sweep or go to the wood to fetch water. You don't have to do anything, except eat and sleep and play.\" Cosette is like:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111394\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/kacey-musgraves-what.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"286\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We get a cozy montage of Cosette learning new things, being happy and showing off her new dad around town. Can the story just end here, before any more bad stuff can happen?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nope! A neighbor is already snooping around and asking too many questions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111395\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/nosy-neighbor-lady.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"271\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cosette calls her a \"nosy old bitch.\" If any child has earned the right to sling curse words, it's for sure Cosette.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111396\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cussing-olsen-twin.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"390\" height=\"428\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to the police headquarters (ughhhhh, here we go again). Javert is back on his bullshit, \u003cdel>destroying lives for fun\u003c/del> implementing the law. After reading an incident report from the Colmans about how someone abducted Cosette, Javert looks into the claim and quickly realizes the Colmans are scammers. Great, so that means he'll leave Jean Valjean and Cosette in peace, right? Yeah, not so much. He commissions an artist to sketch a mugshot and pastes it all around Paris. It doesn't take long for the \"nosy old\" you-know-what to go tattling. 19TH-CENTURY FRANCE IS THE WORST!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-39750\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"200\" height=\"200\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york-.gif 200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/tiffany-new-york--150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 200px) 100vw, 200px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Cut to Javert and a bunch of cops chasing Jean Valjean and Cosette through the streets. Cornered, Jean manages to climb over the city wall and plop into a convent. The nuns are like, \u003cem>GTFO! The only man we tolerate is Jesus. \u003c/em>(I don't blame them.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert sniffs out where Jean and Cosette are hiding and bangs on the convent door, demanding to be let in. The head nun thinks about it and then says:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-38850\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-50x50.gif 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/tumblr_inline_o6kfajYkhG1rkxo5g_500-150x150.gif 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Head Nun:\u003c/strong> \"No man has stepped foot in this convent for many years, nor will do.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What a queen! We stan!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Jean Valjean offers Head Nun a proposition: he'll scram, as long as she takes care of Cosette. Head Nun has a counter-offer: she'll take care of Cosette, hire Jean as a gardener and let him stay hidden on the grounds so he can continue kicking it with Cosette.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107564\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/celebrate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, back at Jean and Cosette's former apartment, Javert is fuming. \"HE WILL NEVER GET AWAY! SEARCH EVERYWHERE! HE WILL BE FOUND!\" Dude seriously needs to...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111397\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-life-jerk-weed-pete-and-pete.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Colmans, Nosy Old You-Know-What, Ms. Creepy Face, Javert and Pretty Much Everyone Else. \u003c/strong>Karma is fashionably late, but she's coming for your necks!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Fantine. \u003c/strong>I dreamed a dream that she would get to star in \u003cem>Kill Bill 3: Fantine's Revenge\u003c/em>, but things didn't really work out that way. We'll always have this Photoshop image though.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Cosette. \u003c/strong>But all is not lost! Now that Cosette is free, she's available to star in \u003cem>Kill Bill 3: Cosette's Revenge\u003c/em>! So many people to kill, so little time.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111398\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cosette-as-kill-bill.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Jean Valjean. \u003c/strong>His transformation into a certified DILF brings a tear to my eye and a tingle to my... you know what, nevermind.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Head Nun\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">My heart already belongs to a lot of nuns from \u003cem>The Sound of Music\u003c/em> and \u003cem>Sister Act\u003c/em>, but I'm definitely making room for one more. Bless her heart (and her ability to shut down overly confident men)!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111154/les-miserables-episode-2-pbs-bbc-recap-voulez-vous-coucher-avec-moi\">'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>a lot of miserable things happened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We were forced to watch a gazillion horses die at Waterloo because being scarred for life by Artex's death scene in \u003cem>The Neverending Story\u003c/em> just wasn't enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/artax-neverending-story.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"149\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine met a scrub named Felix, who wasted no time ruining her life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/i-hate-men-kiss-me-kate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"568\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius Pontmercy was brainwashed into being #TeamRoyalism, as well as #TeamAlcoholism.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110985\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-wine-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, as a side-effect of serving 19 years in prison for stealing one lousy piece of bread, Jean Valjean's face gradually became allergic to any act of kindness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110997\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-valjean-mad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What absurdly tragic things will occur this week? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine roams the countryside with Cosette in tow. The past few years have not been kind to her. From the looks of it, she can no longer afford shampoo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In an alternate universe, Fantine never met Felix and managed to work her way into the middle class, thus finding happiness and being able to afford not only shampoo but the haircut du jour, The Rachel™!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg 876w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-160x209.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-800x1043.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-768x1001.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, we're in the darkest timeline, so Fantine and her unwashed hair keep trucking all the way to some sad little country town, where she meets my favorite from \u003cem>The Favourite\u003c/em>, Olivia Colman! Maybe things are looking up??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/olivia-colman.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine asks Olivia Colman something any of us would ask a complete stranger: \u003cem>Hey, I know this sounds weird, and obviously no pressure, but do you mind adopting my kid for a couple of months?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Money symbols bloom in Olivia Colman's eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111280\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/olivia-colman-les-miserables-fantine-cosette-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"374\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Olivia Colman agrees to look after Cosette... for a hefty price, which is then made heftier by Olivia Colman's scammer husband. If he looks familiar, that's because he's the corpse robber from the season premiere. These days, he's more into robbing the living while masquerading as a benevolent war hero. I don't know about you, but the gross injustices on this show are starting to make my eye twitch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111281\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eye-twitch-mo-the-simpsons.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Colmans promise to take very good care of Cosette. Translation: they promise to make her sleep in a barn and routinely blow cigarette smoke in her face. Needless to say, I take back my suggestion that things might be looking up. #ItDoesntGetBetter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine eventually makes it to a village called Montreuil, just in time to attend a pep rally being held in honor of the town's mayor, Père Madeleine. But we know him by another name...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110990\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-jean-valjean.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stealing silverware from woke bishops and coins from little boys got old, so now his alter ego saves children from house fires and hands out jobs at his booming factory.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-get-a-oprah-car-job.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of those jobs goes to Montreuil's newest resident, Fantine. But not before an awkward interview process involving this lady's creepy face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-weird-lady-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine gets right to work crafting beaded necklaces that are either rosaries or Mardi Gras accessories (choose your own adventure). I would say things are looking up again, but I'm sure something horrific will happen in a few minutes, so I'll just zip it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few weeks later, the new police chief shows up at the factory to meet Jean Valjean. It's none other than Inspector Javert. Quick! Suspend your disbelief because Javert somehow doesn't recognize the person he tortured for 19 solid years. It's like how everyone can't imagine Clark Kent being Superman just because he's wearing glasses.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/it-is-you-superman.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert goes on a Kanye West-style rant that no one asked for about how criminals are inherently wicked and degenerate. He vows to prosecute any wrong-doers in town, especially those who might be leading a double life. Jean Valjean's contribution to the conversation is simply making this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111296\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/awkward-freeze.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things aren't looking too great for Fantine either. After Fantine is caught making a little bird out of Mardi Gras beads, Creepy Interview Face Lady threatens to fire her and then decides \u003cem>You know what? I'm not doing anything later. I think I'll spy on this poor girl and figure out a way to ruin her life!\u003c/em> Somewhere out there, Felix is like, \u003cem>Hey! That's my thing!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ms. Creepy Face finds out about Cosette and goes to check out the situation. The Colmans tell her Fantine is a prostitute who abandoned her daughter to go have a bunch of dirty sex. Despite that far-fetched-sounding story and Cosette blinking \"HELP ME, CREEPY LADY!\" in Morse code, Ms. Creepy Face decides to believe the Colmans and destroy Fantine. There goes my eye twitch again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111298\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eye-twitch-squidward-spongebob.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"382\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of French prostitutes, Marius' grandfather sure looks like one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"772\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png 772w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-768x464.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 772px) 100vw, 772px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It seems as though he learned how to do his makeup by watching YouTube tutorials from these two:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111304\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"550\" height=\"539\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg 550w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-160x157.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-800x600.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-768x576.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1200x900.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1920x1440.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite looking a hot mess, Marius' grandfather invites a bunch of people with equally tragic makeup over to rag on Napoleon some more. Dudes, you won! Get a hobby! From one drag queen to another:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111326\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-grip-get-a-life-and-get-over-it-alyssa-edwards.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"299\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Little Marius is invited to take a break from tasting fine wines to recite some pro-monarchy propaganda for all the fugly drag queens until a note is delivered saying that his dad is on his death bed. When Marius arrives at his father's bedside, Pontmercy Senior only has enough strength to utter a few words: \u003cem>Napoleon rules! Oh, and there was this dude who saved my life and totally didn't rob me at Waterloo. Go reward him, please. Peace out!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pontmercy-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Montreuil, a loaded horse-drawn cart collapses on someone and is slowly crushing him to death. Jean Valjean wants to help, but Javert is watching and waiting for him to reenact the lifting of the boulder from the season premiere and prove that he really is The Artist Formerly Known As Prisoner #24601. After an awkward staredown, Jean Valjean decides to Hulk out, consequences be damned.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The glow-up is real:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111321\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-1020x474.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"297\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-160x74.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-800x372.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-768x357.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone celebrates the rescue of the crushed random dude. Everyone except for Javert. Instead of realizing that Jean Valjean is a good person, Javert doubles down on trying to ruin his life over a piece of bread and a child's coin. I'll give the same advice I gave the \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> rejects: Get a hobby!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111327\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-are-so-cranky-get-a-life-olsen-twins.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Jean Valjean returns to the factory, imagining another 19 years in the clink, Ms. Creepy Face is busy yelling that Fantine is a \"lying little whore!\" Valjean is not in the mood so he fires Fantine and advises her to leave town for not telling him she had a child out of wedlock. My eye twitch is getting really bad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111322\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/that-doesnt-make-sense-eye-twitch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"412\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Javert rushes to the police headquarters in Paris to tattle on Jean Valjean. Their response is in perfect alignment with mine:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111325\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-life-loser-ramona-rhony.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After burying St. Woke Bishop's candlesticks in the woods, Jean Valjean runs into Javert (okay, how small is this town??). Jean Valjean fails to recite the appropriate Mariah Carey lyric:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because continually upping their price isn't evil enough, the Colmans inform Fantine that they need almost triple what she sent last time to care for Cosette. So Fantine feels she has no other choice but to sell her hair and front teeth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97368\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When that's not enough, she sells her body. It's too bad this adaptation doesn't have any songs because we could use a jolly one right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111328\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/stewie-family-guy-rocking-back-and-forth-crazy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One night, some rich douche mocks Fantine and then assaults her. Fantine responds by trying to scratch his eyes out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111331\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/he-had-it-coming-chicago.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Javert rips Fantine off of Rich Douche before she can finish the job.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/disappointed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert vows to imprison Fantine for six months. While she's being taken away, Jean Valjean shows up (but for real, how tiny is this town?!?) and wants to help. Fantine is like, \u003cem>Really?? Now you want to help?!? You fired and exiled me for being a mom and making a bird out of beads, remember????\u003c/em> She then spits blood into his face. I approve this message.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/proud-of-you-thumbs-up-compute-kid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean says, \u003cem>My bad\u003c/em>, and promises to take care of Fantine and send for Cosette. In the wise words of JoJo, it's just too little too late. But nice try, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, while looking over Fantine, who of course has fallen deathly ill because we can't have a single good thing happen in this story, Jean Valjean is visited by Javert. Somehow, Javert is still not receptive to my solid advice:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111324\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-have-to-get-a-hobby-rhony-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert tells Jean Valjean that he's resigning as head of police and very sorry for thinking he was Prisoner #24601. They've caught the real Jean Valjean and he's about to be thrown in jail for life for stealing that kid's coin unless someone was to show up to his trial tomorrow proving that he's innocent (HINT, HINT!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean runs home to burn his passport and prison outfit. That kid's stupid, lousy coin falls out, inspiring a full-blown meltdown, which closely resembles what I look like while watching this show:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111339\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/me-watching-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Jean Valjean's conscience has gotten to him. He asks Ms. Creepy Face to fetch Cosette so Fantine can see her daughter one last time before dying. Then, he races off to Fake Jean Valjean's trial to turn himself in. Will he get there in time? Will Ms. Creepy Face actually bring Cosette to Fantine's death bed? The screen goes black so we'll have to wait and see.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Colmans. \u003c/strong>Fantine's ghost is going to have so much fun haunting these monsters. That's a karmic start, but I also need someone to stop by and punch out their front teeth. An eye for an eye, and all of that. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Whichever Illnesses End Up Killing Felix and Ms. Creepy Face. \u003c/strong>Hurry up, will you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>All The Poisonous Lead In Grandpa Pontmercy's Makeup. \u003c/strong>Thanks for your service.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Cosette and Marius. \u003c/strong>Hang in there, babies!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Fantine\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">I doubt she'll survive, but if she does, can the rest of this series be \u003cem>Kill Bill 3: Fantine's Revenge\u003c/em>? Thank you.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need a laugh or two after this week's traumatic episode? This recap has your back!",
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"headline": "'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">the previous episode of \u003c/a>\u003ci>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">Les Miserables\u003c/a>, \u003c/i>a lot of miserable things happened.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We were forced to watch a gazillion horses die at Waterloo because being scarred for life by Artex's death scene in \u003cem>The Neverending Story\u003c/em> just wasn't enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/artax-neverending-story.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"149\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine met a scrub named Felix, who wasted no time ruining her life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/i-hate-men-kiss-me-kate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"568\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Marius Pontmercy was brainwashed into being #TeamRoyalism, as well as #TeamAlcoholism.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110985\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-wine-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, as a side-effect of serving 19 years in prison for stealing one lousy piece of bread, Jean Valjean's face gradually became allergic to any act of kindness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110997\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-valjean-mad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What absurdly tragic things will occur this week? Let's find out!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine roams the countryside with Cosette in tow. The past few years have not been kind to her. From the looks of it, she can no longer afford shampoo.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In an alternate universe, Fantine never met Felix and managed to work her way into the middle class, thus finding happiness and being able to afford not only shampoo but the haircut du jour, The Rachel™!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-111286\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"521\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut.jpg 876w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-160x209.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-800x1043.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-rachel-from-friends-haircut-768x1001.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Alas, we're in the darkest timeline, so Fantine and her unwashed hair keep trucking all the way to some sad little country town, where she meets my favorite from \u003cem>The Favourite\u003c/em>, Olivia Colman! Maybe things are looking up??\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111170\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/olivia-colman.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine asks Olivia Colman something any of us would ask a complete stranger: \u003cem>Hey, I know this sounds weird, and obviously no pressure, but do you mind adopting my kid for a couple of months?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Money symbols bloom in Olivia Colman's eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111280\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/olivia-colman-les-miserables-fantine-cosette-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"498\" height=\"374\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Olivia Colman agrees to look after Cosette... for a hefty price, which is then made heftier by Olivia Colman's scammer husband. If he looks familiar, that's because he's the corpse robber from the season premiere. These days, he's more into robbing the living while masquerading as a benevolent war hero. I don't know about you, but the gross injustices on this show are starting to make my eye twitch.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111281\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eye-twitch-mo-the-simpsons.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"360\" height=\"284\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Colmans promise to take very good care of Cosette. Translation: they promise to make her sleep in a barn and routinely blow cigarette smoke in her face. Needless to say, I take back my suggestion that things might be looking up. #ItDoesntGetBetter.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine eventually makes it to a village called Montreuil, just in time to attend a pep rally being held in honor of the town's mayor, Père Madeleine. But we know him by another name...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110990\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-jean-valjean.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Stealing silverware from woke bishops and coins from little boys got old, so now his alter ego saves children from house fires and hands out jobs at his booming factory.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111294\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-get-a-oprah-car-job.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of those jobs goes to Montreuil's newest resident, Fantine. But not before an awkward interview process involving this lady's creepy face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111171\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-weird-lady-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"224\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine gets right to work crafting beaded necklaces that are either rosaries or Mardi Gras accessories (choose your own adventure). I would say things are looking up again, but I'm sure something horrific will happen in a few minutes, so I'll just zip it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few weeks later, the new police chief shows up at the factory to meet Jean Valjean. It's none other than Inspector Javert. Quick! Suspend your disbelief because Javert somehow doesn't recognize the person he tortured for 19 solid years. It's like how everyone can't imagine Clark Kent being Superman just because he's wearing glasses.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111333\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/it-is-you-superman.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert goes on a Kanye West-style rant that no one asked for about how criminals are inherently wicked and degenerate. He vows to prosecute any wrong-doers in town, especially those who might be leading a double life. Jean Valjean's contribution to the conversation is simply making this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111296\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/awkward-freeze.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Things aren't looking too great for Fantine either. After Fantine is caught making a little bird out of Mardi Gras beads, Creepy Interview Face Lady threatens to fire her and then decides \u003cem>You know what? I'm not doing anything later. I think I'll spy on this poor girl and figure out a way to ruin her life!\u003c/em> Somewhere out there, Felix is like, \u003cem>Hey! That's my thing!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ms. Creepy Face finds out about Cosette and goes to check out the situation. The Colmans tell her Fantine is a prostitute who abandoned her daughter to go have a bunch of dirty sex. Despite that far-fetched-sounding story and Cosette blinking \"HELP ME, CREEPY LADY!\" in Morse code, Ms. Creepy Face decides to believe the Colmans and destroy Fantine. There goes my eye twitch again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111298\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/eye-twitch-squidward-spongebob.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"382\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of French prostitutes, Marius' grandfather sure looks like one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111299\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"772\" height=\"466\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM.png 772w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-160x97.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-23-at-5.33.33-PM-768x464.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 772px) 100vw, 772px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It seems as though he learned how to do his makeup by watching YouTube tutorials from these two:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111304\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"550\" height=\"539\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup.jpg 550w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-160x157.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 550px) 100vw, 550px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111303\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-160x120.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-800x600.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-768x576.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1200x900.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2-1920x1440.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/scary-makeup-2.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite looking a hot mess, Marius' grandfather invites a bunch of people with equally tragic makeup over to rag on Napoleon some more. Dudes, you won! Get a hobby! From one drag queen to another:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111326\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-grip-get-a-life-and-get-over-it-alyssa-edwards.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"299\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Little Marius is invited to take a break from tasting fine wines to recite some pro-monarchy propaganda for all the fugly drag queens until a note is delivered saying that his dad is on his death bed. When Marius arrives at his father's bedside, Pontmercy Senior only has enough strength to utter a few words: \u003cem>Napoleon rules! Oh, and there was this dude who saved my life and totally didn't rob me at Waterloo. Go reward him, please. Peace out!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/pontmercy-les-miserables.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Montreuil, a loaded horse-drawn cart collapses on someone and is slowly crushing him to death. Jean Valjean wants to help, but Javert is watching and waiting for him to reenact the lifting of the boulder from the season premiere and prove that he really is The Artist Formerly Known As Prisoner #24601. After an awkward staredown, Jean Valjean decides to Hulk out, consequences be damned.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The glow-up is real:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111321\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-1020x474.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"297\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-160x74.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-800x372.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-24-at-12.11.04-PM-768x357.png 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone celebrates the rescue of the crushed random dude. Everyone except for Javert. Instead of realizing that Jean Valjean is a good person, Javert doubles down on trying to ruin his life over a piece of bread and a child's coin. I'll give the same advice I gave the \u003cem>RuPaul's Drag Race\u003c/em> rejects: Get a hobby!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111327\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-are-so-cranky-get-a-life-olsen-twins.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"358\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Jean Valjean returns to the factory, imagining another 19 years in the clink, Ms. Creepy Face is busy yelling that Fantine is a \"lying little whore!\" Valjean is not in the mood so he fires Fantine and advises her to leave town for not telling him she had a child out of wedlock. My eye twitch is getting really bad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111322\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/that-doesnt-make-sense-eye-twitch.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"412\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Javert rushes to the police headquarters in Paris to tattle on Jean Valjean. Their response is in perfect alignment with mine:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111325\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/get-a-life-loser-ramona-rhony.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After burying St. Woke Bishop's candlesticks in the woods, Jean Valjean runs into Javert (okay, how small is this town??). Jean Valjean fails to recite the appropriate Mariah Carey lyric:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97098\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/why-are-you-so-obsessed-with-me-mariah-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"325\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because continually upping their price isn't evil enough, the Colmans inform Fantine that they need almost triple what she sent last time to care for Cosette. So Fantine feels she has no other choice but to sell her hair and front teeth.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97368\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/make_it_stop_boy_meets_world.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"215\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When that's not enough, she sells her body. It's too bad this adaptation doesn't have any songs because we could use a jolly one right about now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111328\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/stewie-family-guy-rocking-back-and-forth-crazy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One night, some rich douche mocks Fantine and then assaults her. Fantine responds by trying to scratch his eyes out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101824\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/yas-excited-crying-happy-tears-antm.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"200\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111331\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/he-had-it-coming-chicago.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"242\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unfortunately, Javert rips Fantine off of Rich Douche before she can finish the job.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-107101\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/disappointed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"234\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert vows to imprison Fantine for six months. While she's being taken away, Jean Valjean shows up (but for real, how tiny is this town?!?) and wants to help. Fantine is like, \u003cem>Really?? Now you want to help?!? You fired and exiled me for being a mom and making a bird out of beads, remember????\u003c/em> She then spits blood into his face. I approve this message.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106639\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/proud-of-you-thumbs-up-compute-kid-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean says, \u003cem>My bad\u003c/em>, and promises to take care of Fantine and send for Cosette. In the wise words of JoJo, it's just too little too late. But nice try, I guess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, while looking over Fantine, who of course has fallen deathly ill because we can't have a single good thing happen in this story, Jean Valjean is visited by Javert. Somehow, Javert is still not receptive to my solid advice:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111324\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-have-to-get-a-hobby-rhony-bethenny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"282\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Javert tells Jean Valjean that he's resigning as head of police and very sorry for thinking he was Prisoner #24601. They've caught the real Jean Valjean and he's about to be thrown in jail for life for stealing that kid's coin unless someone was to show up to his trial tomorrow proving that he's innocent (HINT, HINT!).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jean Valjean runs home to burn his passport and prison outfit. That kid's stupid, lousy coin falls out, inspiring a full-blown meltdown, which closely resembles what I look like while watching this show:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111339\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/me-watching-les-mis.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"218\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next day, Jean Valjean's conscience has gotten to him. He asks Ms. Creepy Face to fetch Cosette so Fantine can see her daughter one last time before dying. Then, he races off to Fake Jean Valjean's trial to turn himself in. Will he get there in time? Will Ms. Creepy Face actually bring Cosette to Fantine's death bed? The screen goes black so we'll have to wait and see.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: The Colmans. \u003c/strong>Fantine's ghost is going to have so much fun haunting these monsters. That's a karmic start, but I also need someone to stop by and punch out their front teeth. An eye for an eye, and all of that. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Whichever Illnesses End Up Killing Felix and Ms. Creepy Face. \u003c/strong>Hurry up, will you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>All The Poisonous Lead In Grandpa Pontmercy's Makeup. \u003c/strong>Thanks for your service.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Cosette and Marius. \u003c/strong>Hang in there, babies!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: Fantine\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">I doubt she'll survive, but if she does, can the rest of this series be \u003cem>Kill Bill 3: Fantine's Revenge\u003c/em>? Thank you.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111341\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1020x573.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-768x432.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill-1200x674.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fantine-as-kill-bill.jpg 1600w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/game-of-thrones\">\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp style=\"text-align: center\">\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Previous Recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/110513/les-miserables-pbs-bbc-episode-1-recap-un-break-my-heart\">'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, all the men (except Lord Varys, Grey Worm and the Unsullied) froze their balls off at Winterfell as they prepared for the zombie apocalypse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111016\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/frozen-balls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"267\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of balls, Jon Snow had some pretty big ones for making out with Rhaegal and Drogon's mommy right in front of their faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111026\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-kiss-dragon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And while we're on the topic of Rhaegal and Drogon, I am doubling down on my vow to put the show's writers on my Arya revenge list if they harm even one of their scales.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Bran weirded everyone out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111018\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-weird.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111022\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/weird-out-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Most especially Jamie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111029\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-jamie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, sh*t! Is that the kid I threw out the window in episode 1 of this series?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16867\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/06/post-33433-surprise-bitch-gif-Madison-Mon-0Xnt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who will Bran creep out next? Will Rhaegal and Drogon scream \"You're not my real dad!!!!\" at Jon in Dragonese? Will Jon scream \"You're my real aunt!!!!\" at Daenerys in English? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with the roast of Jamie Lannister. Everyone takes turns letting him know what a prick he used to be. The group could have simply flipped a coin to decide whether to gut him / poison him / let a dire wolf munch on his head, but this way is more fun.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Annoyed that Jamie has the audacity to show up after Cersei went back on her promise to send help, Daenerys lays into him: \"I don't see an army. I see one man with one hand.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the inside, Jamie is probably thinking, \u003cem>Again with the mono hand jokes? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/hand-middle-finger.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But on the outside, he takes the joke in stride because being turned into a shish kebab for Rhaegal and Drogon doesn't go well with his plan to kind of, sort of flirt with Brienne until one or both of them die this season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111177\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/colbert-hand-high-five.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Jamie tries to defend his past prickish ways, Bran blurts out, \"The things we do for love.\" No one knows those are the exact words Jamie said right before pushing Bran out of a window back in the first season, so everyone just shrugs and feels awkward. (For anyone who was taking bets on how long it would take Bran to do something all-knowingly creepy, the winning guess is 3 minutes into the episode. Congrats!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just when it seems as though Jamie is about to meet his dearly departed hand in the afterlife, Brienne steps forward to vouch for him and manages to convince Sansa and company to spare his life. Oh, just make out already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the dragon glass factory, Arya undresses Gendry with her eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111179\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/arya-dtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is it hot in here or are these two totally going to bone? I'm hoping the correct answer is both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109446\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/02/fans-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"271\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside by the bleeding tree, Winterfell's premier spot for heart-to-hearts, Jamie and Bran finally talk out their issues.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, my bad about throwing you out that window. It was Season 1! Things were crazier back then.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>All is fair in love, war and twincest, I guess.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Thanks for not snitching. Will you tell them after World War Z?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>There's going to be an after?\u003c/em> *stares creepily*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Jamie finds Brienne on the training grounds and tells her that, although he's not a great fighter anymore, he wants to serve under her. That's not the only thing he's interested in doing under her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Daenerys decides to buck tradition and have a heart-to-heart with Sansa indoors instead of at the bleeding tree. The tension between them is still \u003cem>Real Housewives of Westeros\u003c/em>-level thick.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I can't believe Tyrion fell for Cersei's trick.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I can't believe you fell for Cersei's trick.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is what it looks like when you're trying to swallow down the overwhelming urge to kill your boyfriend's sister.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111180\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/daenarys-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Daenerys and Sansa manage to find something they agree on: families are complicated. Just like the Facebook relationship status Dany will post after Jon tells her she's his aunt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"612\" height=\"320\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg 612w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320-160x84.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 612px) 100vw, 612px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany tries to find some more common ground with Sansa:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Women have to support other women! Hillary 2020, am I right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Elizabeth Warren 2020, actually. P.S. You'll have to wring the North out of my cold, dead, potentially White Walker hands after this is all over. Good talk!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the main gate, back from surviving that little crucified zombie boy's attack last week, Tormund has one thing on his mind: \"The big woman still here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111182\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/squealing-aww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I love that Brienne has hos in different area codes. Such swag!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, during a strategy session, everyone agrees that they probably won't stand a chance against the Night King. Even more of a reason for Tormund to shoot his shot. \"We're all going to die,\" he tells the room (but mostly Brienne), \"but at least we die together!\u003cspan class=\"s1\">😉\u003c/span>\" Morbid but hot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the meeting is over, everyone turns in for the night. Dany gives Jon bedroom eyes, but he pulls one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry not sorry, auntie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next morning, Missandei greets two little girls, only for them to be racist AF.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111183\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/racist-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Grey Worm shows up to commiserate and they make a pact to move somewhere pro-melanin after this is all over. And I make a pact to cackle really loudly if the Night King snatches those two little brats. When you do racism, the racism comes back to bite!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OMG, ring the alarm! Ghost, Jon's dire wolf, is back!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111191\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-1020x661.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"415\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-1020x661.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-800x518.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-768x498.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-1200x778.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf.jpg 1432w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Welcome home, buddy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unrelated, but related side-note: I cannot wait for Arya's dire wolf, Nymeria, to save the day when we least expect it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Inside, Tormund, Brienne, Jamie, Tyrion and others sit by a fireplace, get tanked on wine and ponder their imminent demises. Tormund makes heart eyes at Brienne while drinking out of a very large, very phallic horn. Not one for subtlety, Tormund takes it a step further and says, \"They call me Giantsbane. Want to know why?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-22895\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/04/PrinceEyebrows.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"296\" height=\"216\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out his nickname has nothing to do with Lil Tormund and everything to do with this time he killed a giant at the age of 10, slept with the giant's wife and then proceeded to suckle at her teet for three months. My feelings on this can be best expressed via Jamie and Tyrion's WTF faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/wtf-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The theme of being cooped up and horny continues downstairs, where Arya interrogates Gendry about his sexual history. After getting Gendry to cough up his number of partners (three), Arya is like, \u003cem>Cool. Wanna boogie down with a fourth? Because there's no way I'm going to die a virgin.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They proceed to bone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Tormund continues to give me reasons to love him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"Women can’t be knights.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"Why not?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"Tradition.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"F*ck tradition!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">We stan a feminist wildling! And he's not done with his charm offensive either!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"I’m no king, but if I were, I’d knight you ten times over.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">I know I already used this gif earlier for Brienne and Jamie, but, considering they all might be dead soon, I want Brienne to make out with all the boys (and girls?) she wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not to be outdone, Jamie announces that it doesn't take a king to knight someone; a knight can do it too. Jamie proceeds to knight Brienne as she quietly cries. Tormund wildly applauds nearby. If there ever was a compelling argument for a threesome, this is it! I haven't been this invested in a love triangle since Felicity, Ben and Noel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1920x1280.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie.jpg 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The following day, Jorah approaches Lady Mormont and tries to adultsplain why she should go down in the crypt and hide with the other children before the battle begins. Lady Mormont responds by essentially telling him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/who-the-fuck-do-you-think-i-is-beyonce-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, down in the crypt, Dany finds Jon staring at a statue of Lyanna Stark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, boo! What are you up to?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Just looking at a statue of my mom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>But that would make us...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yup.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Which would make you the rightful...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yup again.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111186\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/shocked-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the Night King and his zombie friends roll up on Winterfell, ready to kill at least 90% of our faves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "What do you do when an army of zombies is on its way to kill you? Get drunk and have sex!",
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"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On | KQED",
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"headline": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Episode 2 Recap: Let's Get It On",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, all the men (except Lord Varys, Grey Worm and the Unsullied) froze their balls off at Winterfell as they prepared for the zombie apocalypse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111016\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/frozen-balls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"267\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of balls, Jon Snow had some pretty big ones for making out with Rhaegal and Drogon's mommy right in front of their faces.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111026\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-kiss-dragon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And while we're on the topic of Rhaegal and Drogon, I am doubling down on my vow to put the show's writers on my Arya revenge list if they harm even one of their scales.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, and Bran weirded everyone out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111018\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-weird.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A lot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111022\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/weird-out-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Most especially Jamie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111029\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-jamie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, sh*t! Is that the kid I threw out the window in episode 1 of this series?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16867\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/06/post-33433-surprise-bitch-gif-Madison-Mon-0Xnt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Who will Bran creep out next? Will Rhaegal and Drogon scream \"You're not my real dad!!!!\" at Jon in Dragonese? Will Jon scream \"You're my real aunt!!!!\" at Daenerys in English? Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We kick things off with the roast of Jamie Lannister. Everyone takes turns letting him know what a prick he used to be. The group could have simply flipped a coin to decide whether to gut him / poison him / let a dire wolf munch on his head, but this way is more fun.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Annoyed that Jamie has the audacity to show up after Cersei went back on her promise to send help, Daenerys lays into him: \"I don't see an army. I see one man with one hand.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On the inside, Jamie is probably thinking, \u003cem>Again with the mono hand jokes? \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111176\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/hand-middle-finger.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"169\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But on the outside, he takes the joke in stride because being turned into a shish kebab for Rhaegal and Drogon doesn't go well with his plan to kind of, sort of flirt with Brienne until one or both of them die this season.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111177\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/colbert-hand-high-five.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While Jamie tries to defend his past prickish ways, Bran blurts out, \"The things we do for love.\" No one knows those are the exact words Jamie said right before pushing Bran out of a window back in the first season, so everyone just shrugs and feels awkward. (For anyone who was taking bets on how long it would take Bran to do something all-knowingly creepy, the winning guess is 3 minutes into the episode. Congrats!)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just when it seems as though Jamie is about to meet his dearly departed hand in the afterlife, Brienne steps forward to vouch for him and manages to convince Sansa and company to spare his life. Oh, just make out already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Down in the dragon glass factory, Arya undresses Gendry with her eyes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111179\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/arya-dtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Is it hot in here or are these two totally going to bone? I'm hoping the correct answer is both.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109446\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/02/fans-self.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"271\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Outside by the bleeding tree, Winterfell's premier spot for heart-to-hearts, Jamie and Bran finally talk out their issues.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, my bad about throwing you out that window. It was Season 1! Things were crazier back then.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>All is fair in love, war and twincest, I guess.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie: \u003c/strong>\u003cem>Thanks for not snitching. Will you tell them after World War Z?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>There's going to be an after?\u003c/em> *stares creepily*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that day, Jamie finds Brienne on the training grounds and tells her that, although he's not a great fighter anymore, he wants to serve under her. That's not the only thing he's interested in doing under her, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-97246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/11/gilly-raise-eyebrows-wiig-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Upstairs, Daenerys decides to buck tradition and have a heart-to-heart with Sansa indoors instead of at the bleeding tree. The tension between them is still \u003cem>Real Housewives of Westeros\u003c/em>-level thick.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I can't believe Tyrion fell for Cersei's trick.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I can't believe you fell for Cersei's trick.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This is what it looks like when you're trying to swallow down the overwhelming urge to kill your boyfriend's sister.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111180\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/daenarys-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Daenerys and Sansa manage to find something they agree on: families are complicated. Just like the Facebook relationship status Dany will post after Jon tells her she's his aunt.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111181\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"612\" height=\"320\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320.jpg 612w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/fb-official-612x320-160x84.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 612px) 100vw, 612px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Dany tries to find some more common ground with Sansa:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Women have to support other women! Hillary 2020, am I right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Elizabeth Warren 2020, actually. P.S. You'll have to wring the North out of my cold, dead, potentially White Walker hands after this is all over. Good talk!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the main gate, back from surviving that little crucified zombie boy's attack last week, Tormund has one thing on his mind: \"The big woman still here?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111182\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/squealing-aww.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I love that Brienne has hos in different area codes. Such swag!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, during a strategy session, everyone agrees that they probably won't stand a chance against the Night King. Even more of a reason for Tormund to shoot his shot. \"We're all going to die,\" he tells the room (but mostly Brienne), \"but at least we die together!\u003cspan class=\"s1\">😉\u003c/span>\" Morbid but hot.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the meeting is over, everyone turns in for the night. Dany gives Jon bedroom eyes, but he pulls one of these:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-37158\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/09/diss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"267\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sorry not sorry, auntie.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The next morning, Missandei greets two little girls, only for them to be racist AF.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111183\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/racist-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Grey Worm shows up to commiserate and they make a pact to move somewhere pro-melanin after this is all over. And I make a pact to cackle really loudly if the Night King snatches those two little brats. When you do racism, the racism comes back to bite!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>OMG, ring the alarm! Ghost, Jon's dire wolf, is back!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111191\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-1020x661.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"415\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-1020x661.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-160x104.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-800x518.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-768x498.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf-1200x778.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/dire-wolf.jpg 1432w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Welcome home, buddy!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Unrelated, but related side-note: I cannot wait for Arya's dire wolf, Nymeria, to save the day when we least expect it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">Inside, Tormund, Brienne, Jamie, Tyrion and others sit by a fireplace, get tanked on wine and ponder their imminent demises. Tormund makes heart eyes at Brienne while drinking out of a very large, very phallic horn. Not one for subtlety, Tormund takes it a step further and says, \"They call me Giantsbane. Want to know why?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-22895\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/04/PrinceEyebrows.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"296\" height=\"216\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turns out his nickname has nothing to do with Lil Tormund and everything to do with this time he killed a giant at the age of 10, slept with the giant's wife and then proceeded to suckle at her teet for three months. My feelings on this can be best expressed via Jamie and Tyrion's WTF faces:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111184\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/wtf-got.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"266\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The theme of being cooped up and horny continues downstairs, where Arya interrogates Gendry about his sexual history. After getting Gendry to cough up his number of partners (three), Arya is like, \u003cem>Cool. Wanna boogie down with a fourth? Because there's no way I'm going to die a virgin.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They proceed to bone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106502\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/horny-old-lady-computer-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back upstairs, Tormund continues to give me reasons to love him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"Women can’t be knights.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"Why not?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Brienne:\u003c/strong> \"Tradition.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"F*ck tradition!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">We stan a feminist wildling! And he's not done with his charm offensive either!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"I’m no king, but if I were, I’d knight you ten times over.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">I know I already used this gif earlier for Brienne and Jamie, but, considering they all might be dead soon, I want Brienne to make out with all the boys (and girls?) she wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109112\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/just-kiss-already.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Not to be outdone, Jamie announces that it doesn't take a king to knight someone; a knight can do it too. Jamie proceeds to knight Brienne as she quietly cries. Tormund wildly applauds nearby. If there ever was a compelling argument for a threesome, this is it! I haven't been this invested in a love triangle since Felicity, Ben and Noel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-111246\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"427\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1020x680.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-160x107.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-800x533.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-768x512.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1200x800.jpg 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie-1920x1280.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/brienne-meme-game-of-thrones-tormund-jamie.jpg 2000w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"p1\">The following day, Jorah approaches Lady Mormont and tries to adultsplain why she should go down in the crypt and hide with the other children before the battle begins. Lady Mormont responds by essentially telling him:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111185\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/who-the-fuck-do-you-think-i-is-beyonce-.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, down in the crypt, Dany finds Jon staring at a statue of Lyanna Stark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, boo! What are you up to?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Just looking at a statue of my mom.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>But that would make us...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yup.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong>\u003cem> Which would make you the rightful...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yup again.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Dany:\u003c/strong>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111186\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/shocked-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"180\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, the Night King and his zombie friends roll up on Winterfell, ready to kill at least 90% of our faves.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Previous recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/111008/game-of-thrones-season-8-episode-1-premiere-recap\">'Game of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>The wait for a new episode of Game Of Thrones is finally over!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-7667\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-75x75.gif 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Let's not waste any more time with introductions. On with the recap!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A millisecond into the intro and I've already gasped. R.I.P. The Wall!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111012\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-wall.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone in the seven kingdoms is about to be this lady:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111013\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/help-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Arya—or as I like to call her Queen Arya of the House Stark, the First of Her Name, Keeper of Lists, Queen of My Heart, the Unbothered—watches as hundreds of troops gallop into Winterfell to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. She spots blasts from her past, including Gendry, Clegane and her brother from another mother (and father, turns out), Jon Snow. She almost calls out to Jon but stops herself. Ugh, nothing has even happened yet and I already want to cry. This is going to be a very emotional and overwhelming six weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111015\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/somebody-sedate-me-greys-anatomy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"442\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone looks solemn because, well, that's just what your face does when the world is ending. Also, I'm assuming that, like me, everyone is still mourning Viserion. *blasts the saddest Adele song and cries while stroking a photo of Viserion before he got ice blue contacts*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, sorry, I promise to try and pull myself together. Tyrion helps me do so by cracking the first joke of the season, telling noted eunuch Varys: \"You should consider yourself lucky. At least your balls won't freeze off.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111016\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/frozen-balls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"267\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We might be laughing, but Varys is not amused.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13362\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/09/notfunny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the procession, Missandei and Grey Worm pretend not to notice that a whole bunch of these white folk are seeing black people for the first time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111017\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-stare.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The white folk are further spooked by their first sight of dragons. Rhaegal and Drogon show off, while their mommy smiles her approval from below. I swear, if anything happens to them, I will make my own Arya-style revenge list featuring the names of the show's writers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(And yes, I just took the time to make this, even though I'm on deadline. That's how serious I am about the well-being of these dragons! But I digress...)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon Snow gallops through the Winterfell gates and rushes to kiss Bran. Watch how quickly Jon goes from \u003cem>Yay! My baby bro is all grown up now!\u003c/em> to \u003cem>WTF! My baby bro is off-puttingly weird now! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111018\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-weird.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Want another super awkward encounter? Good. Daenerys walks up to Sansa and smiles in a \u003cem>I'm sleeping with your brother so it's best if we get along, but I will totally instruct one of my dragon babies to torch your head if I need to\u003c/em> kind of way. Sansa smiles back in a \u003cem>I let dogs devour my ex; don't test me\u003c/em> kind of way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bran interrupts their fake smile duel with a CliffsNotes version of how f*cked they all are: \u003cem>Hey, y'all! We don't have time for this BS! Your dragon was turned into a zombie, the Wall went kablooey and Waze says the zombie army's ETA is VERY SOON. So get your sh*t together! Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After bringing all the North's VIPs together for a strategy session, Sansa proves that, although she might no longer wield power over this particular kingdom anymore, she does still wield the power of a withering side eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111019\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-side-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's not the only one less than thrilled about Daenerys taking over. Our favorite grade school badass, Lady Lyanna Mormont, stands up to call Jon out: \"Your Grace... but you're not, are you? You left Winterfell a king and came back a... I'm not sure what you are now. A lord? Nothing at all?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111020\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/stop-hes-already-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon takes being eviscerated by a nine-year-old pretty well and explains that titles won't matter much if the Night King kills them all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sansa brings up the issue of not having enough food to feed a vast army and two huge dragons. Daenerys is too jet-lagged to keep up the fake smile charade. She's now graduated to flat out saying, \u003cem>I will totally feed you to my dragons if you keep testing me, little girl.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111021\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-stardown-dragons-eat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this episode hasn't been awkward enough, Tyrion approaches his ex-wife, Sansa, for a chat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \"Last time we spoke was at Joffrey's wedding. Miserable affair.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \"It had its moments.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/laugh-spit-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-york-tiffany-wine-laughing-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"307\" height=\"179\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, if you don't stan for Sansa after the way she just savored the memory of Joffrey croaking, something's wrong with you. Honestly, if she's the one sitting on the Iron Throne at the end of all this, I won't be mad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That joke is enough for Tyrion to forgive Sansa for bouncing on him without warning all those years ago. Plus, he's smart enough to know it isn't wise to bet against her: \"Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.\" Damn straight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of underestimating women, Sansa can't believe Tyrion is falling for Cersei's pretend vow to send help. \"I used to think you were the cleverest man alive.\" Ouch. If she's doesn't ease up soon, Tyrion is going to join the no-balls-left-to-freeze club.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, would you look at the time! It's Bran-weirds-someone-else-out o'clock!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111022\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/weird-out-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out by the bleeding Weirwood tree, Arya sneaks up on Jon and accuses him of lying about his height on his driver's license:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"You used to be taller.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"How did you sneak up on me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"How did you survive a knife through the heart.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"I didn't.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They laugh and hug. Glad we can all chuckle about Jon's gruesome death now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111023\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/sad-laugh-bridesmaids.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"166\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After comparing swords (like us, Jon is a Needle Fan Club member), Jon complains about Sansa not being nice to his \u003cdel>aunt\u003c/del> new girlfriend. Before Bran can pop up from behind the tree to give his WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BS! TedTalk again, Arya sets Jon straight:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"Sansa thinks she's smarter than everyone.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"She's the smartest person I have ever met.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Starks rule, Targaryen drool (while making out with each other).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down in King's Landing, Cersei is informed about the Night King breaking through the Wall. Her sociopathic response does not disappoint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111024\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cersei-game-of-thrones-good-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And that's not the only bon mot she's got for us. Later that night, Euron Greyjoy tries to booty call Cersei. She slays him with a line that will surely be weaponized on dating apps for years to come:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111025\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-want-a-whore-buy-one-cersei-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Euron reminds Cersei of the fact that, without his men, she'll be easily overthrown, Cersei reconsiders and lets him hit it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111031\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/oh-god-honey-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they're not the only ones getting it on. Elsewhere in the castle, Bronn is busy doing what he does best—having an orgy—'cause it's a day ending in y. Cersei's right-hand man interrupts the foursome with a proposition: A bottomless fund for prostitutes in exchange for murdering Jamie and Tyrion (if the zombies don't get to them first). Somewhere out there, Jamie's last remaining middle finger goes up in the direction of Cersei's bedroom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Cersei's bedroom, Euron is in there asking if he's better at sex than her brother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \"You enjoy risking your neck, don't you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Euron:\u003c/strong> \"Life is boring!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \"You might be the most arrogant man I've ever met. I like that.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Euron:\u003c/strong> \"I'm going to put a prince in your belly.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>First of all, ew. Second of all, womb already rented out, dude. Sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a ship in the harbor, arrows shoot through a bunch of unsuspecting skulls. Oh, how we've missed you, \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>. After axing a guard right in the face, Theon rescues Yara, who immediately head butts him in the nose. Siblings: can't live with 'em, can't have an unfractured septum without 'em.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Winterfell, this whole Daenerys vs. Sansa thing is still going on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"Your sister doesn't like me. She doesn't need to be my friend, but I am her Queen. If she can't respect me...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few Dothraki interrupt, but we can already guess how that thought ends. Something to do with Sansa being turned into a tasty kebab for our two favorite reptiles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Drogon and Rhaegal, it's time for their close-up, Mr. Demille. Daenerys hops on one of them for a ride and encourages Jon to do the same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"I don't know how to ride a dragon.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"Nobody does until they ride a dragon.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"What if he doesn't want me to?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"Then I've enjoyed your company, Jon Snow.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's take a moment to savor this witty foreplay banter while they're still in the dark about their 23andMe DNA results.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After flying around for a while, they settle in front of a snow-covered waterfall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"It's cold up here for a southern girl.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"So keep your Queen warm.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I get that I'm supposed to be grossed out by them being related, but I'm strangely into this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What? Don't look at me like that! They've been through a lot! They deserve a few orgasms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While they're licking the insides of each other's mouths, Jon Snow opens one of his eyes to find that not everyone is on board with this incestuous coupling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111026\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-kiss-dragon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dinosaurs-laugh-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"277\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Winterfell, Arya rolls up on Clegane, who for some reason thinks it's a good idea to call her out:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Clegane:\u003c/strong> \"You left me to die!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"First I robbed you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111027\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/comeback.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she's not done roasting people. When noticing that her dagger is made of Valerian steel, Gendry says, \"I always knew you were just another rich girl.\" To which, Arya claps back, \"You don't know any other rich girls.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111027\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/comeback.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the castle, Daenerys walks up to Samwell to thank him for curing Jorah of his psoriasis or whatever. Their conversation goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Wait, your last name is Tarly?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Samwell:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yep!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, I killed your dad.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Samwell:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>What?!\u003c/em> *stifled sob* \u003cem>Well, he was a dick anyway. I guess the silver lining is that now I get to go back home 'cause my brother will be in charge and he's not so bad.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, yeah, about that... I killed him too. #Awkward! Anyway, thanks again for being my friend's dermatologist. See you around!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Samwell runs outside, crying, only to get hit by the Bran Weirdo Express. Bran tells Sam it's time to tell Jon that he's sleeping with his aunt. Someone hand Bran some popcorn 'cause he sure does live for the drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/popcorn-steph-curry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam finds Jon being emo in the crypt and breaks the news to him. \u003cem>Your new girlfriend killed my family. And she's your aunt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This pretty much sums up Jon's reaction:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some other part of the North, Tormund a.k.a. Ginger Daddy and a few others walk into an abandoned, bloody castle. They hear a bit of clanging and prepare to throw down, but it turns out to be a friend. Phew! But their friend is still spooked: \"Stay back! He's got blue eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"I've always had blue eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You have to appreciate the \u003cem>GoT\u003c/em> writers' ability to weave in this many LOL moments into such a dark story. Alas, the laughter is short lived because OMG THERE IS A LITTLE BOY CRUCIFIED IN THE CENTER OF A PINWHEEL OF SEVERED LIMBS AND HE DOESN'T STAY DEAD FOR LONG!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111028\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-evil-zombie-boy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/buffy-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Winterfell, it's that time again: Bran Weirds Someone Out o'clock! But this one is way more loaded than the rest because Jamie is on the receiving end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111029\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-jamie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, sh*t! Is that the kid I threw out the window in episode 1 of this series?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16867\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/06/post-33433-surprise-bitch-gif-Madison-Mon-0Xnt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "Need a cheeky unpacking of all the crazy stuff that happened in this week's 'Game of Thrones' premiere? This recap has your back! ⚔️🐉\r\n",
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"description": "Need a cheeky unpacking of all the crazy stuff that happened in this week's 'Game of Thrones' premiere? This recap has your back! ⚔️🐉\r\n",
"title": "'Game Of Thrones' Season 8 Premiere Recap: Reunited And It Feels So Good | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>The wait for a new episode of Game Of Thrones is finally over!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-7667\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp.gif 245w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-32x32.gif 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-64x64.gif 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-96x96.gif 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-128x128.gif 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2013/08/tumblr_inline_mru6pebj0e1qz4rgp-75x75.gif 75w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 245px) 100vw, 245px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Let's not waste any more time with introductions. On with the recap!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A millisecond into the intro and I've already gasped. R.I.P. The Wall!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111012\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-wall.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone in the seven kingdoms is about to be this lady:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111013\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/help-me.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"206\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Arya—or as I like to call her Queen Arya of the House Stark, the First of Her Name, Keeper of Lists, Queen of My Heart, the Unbothered—watches as hundreds of troops gallop into Winterfell to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. She spots blasts from her past, including Gendry, Clegane and her brother from another mother (and father, turns out), Jon Snow. She almost calls out to Jon but stops herself. Ugh, nothing has even happened yet and I already want to cry. This is going to be a very emotional and overwhelming six weeks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111015\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/somebody-sedate-me-greys-anatomy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"442\" height=\"288\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Everyone looks solemn because, well, that's just what your face does when the world is ending. Also, I'm assuming that, like me, everyone is still mourning Viserion. *blasts the saddest Adele song and cries while stroking a photo of Viserion before he got ice blue contacts*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, sorry, I promise to try and pull myself together. Tyrion helps me do so by cracking the first joke of the season, telling noted eunuch Varys: \"You should consider yourself lucky. At least your balls won't freeze off.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111016\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/frozen-balls.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"267\" height=\"150\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We might be laughing, but Varys is not amused.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13362\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2014/09/notfunny.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"235\" height=\"183\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the procession, Missandei and Grey Worm pretend not to notice that a whole bunch of these white folk are seeing black people for the first time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111017\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-stare.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The white folk are further spooked by their first sight of dragons. Rhaegal and Drogon show off, while their mommy smiles her approval from below. I swear, if anything happens to them, I will make my own Arya-style revenge list featuring the names of the show's writers.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111030\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/leave-drogon-alone-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"190\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(And yes, I just took the time to make this, even though I'm on deadline. That's how serious I am about the well-being of these dragons! But I digress...)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon Snow gallops through the Winterfell gates and rushes to kiss Bran. Watch how quickly Jon goes from \u003cem>Yay! My baby bro is all grown up now!\u003c/em> to \u003cem>WTF! My baby bro is off-puttingly weird now! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111018\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-weird.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Want another super awkward encounter? Good. Daenerys walks up to Sansa and smiles in a \u003cem>I'm sleeping with your brother so it's best if we get along, but I will totally instruct one of my dragon babies to torch your head if I need to\u003c/em> kind of way. Sansa smiles back in a \u003cem>I let dogs devour my ex; don't test me\u003c/em> kind of way.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bran interrupts their fake smile duel with a CliffsNotes version of how f*cked they all are: \u003cem>Hey, y'all! We don't have time for this BS! Your dragon was turned into a zombie, the Wall went kablooey and Waze says the zombie army's ETA is VERY SOON. So get your sh*t together! Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After bringing all the North's VIPs together for a strategy session, Sansa proves that, although she might no longer wield power over this particular kingdom anymore, she does still wield the power of a withering side eye.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111019\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-side-eye.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She's not the only one less than thrilled about Daenerys taking over. Our favorite grade school badass, Lady Lyanna Mormont, stands up to call Jon out: \"Your Grace... but you're not, are you? You left Winterfell a king and came back a... I'm not sure what you are now. A lord? Nothing at all?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111020\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/stop-hes-already-dead.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Jon takes being eviscerated by a nine-year-old pretty well and explains that titles won't matter much if the Night King kills them all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sansa brings up the issue of not having enough food to feed a vast army and two huge dragons. Daenerys is too jet-lagged to keep up the fake smile charade. She's now graduated to flat out saying, \u003cem>I will totally feed you to my dragons if you keep testing me, little girl.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111021\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-stardown-dragons-eat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because this episode hasn't been awkward enough, Tyrion approaches his ex-wife, Sansa, for a chat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tyrion:\u003c/strong> \"Last time we spoke was at Joffrey's wedding. Miserable affair.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Sansa:\u003c/strong> \"It had its moments.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106478\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/laugh-spit-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"220\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108934\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/new-york-tiffany-wine-laughing-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"307\" height=\"179\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, if you don't stan for Sansa after the way she just savored the memory of Joffrey croaking, something's wrong with you. Honestly, if she's the one sitting on the Iron Throne at the end of all this, I won't be mad.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That joke is enough for Tyrion to forgive Sansa for bouncing on him without warning all those years ago. Plus, he's smart enough to know it isn't wise to bet against her: \"Many underestimated you. Most of them are dead now.\" Damn straight!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of underestimating women, Sansa can't believe Tyrion is falling for Cersei's pretend vow to send help. \"I used to think you were the cleverest man alive.\" Ouch. If she's doesn't ease up soon, Tyrion is going to join the no-balls-left-to-freeze club.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, would you look at the time! It's Bran-weirds-someone-else-out o'clock!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111022\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/weird-out-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Out by the bleeding Weirwood tree, Arya sneaks up on Jon and accuses him of lying about his height on his driver's license:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"You used to be taller.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"How did you sneak up on me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"How did you survive a knife through the heart.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"I didn't.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They laugh and hug. Glad we can all chuckle about Jon's gruesome death now.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111023\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/sad-laugh-bridesmaids.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"260\" height=\"166\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After comparing swords (like us, Jon is a Needle Fan Club member), Jon complains about Sansa not being nice to his \u003cdel>aunt\u003c/del> new girlfriend. Before Bran can pop up from behind the tree to give his WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS BS! TedTalk again, Arya sets Jon straight:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"Sansa thinks she's smarter than everyone.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"She's the smartest person I have ever met.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Starks rule, Targaryen drool (while making out with each other).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down in King's Landing, Cersei is informed about the Night King breaking through the Wall. Her sociopathic response does not disappoint.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111024\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/cersei-game-of-thrones-good-lol.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And that's not the only bon mot she's got for us. Later that night, Euron Greyjoy tries to booty call Cersei. She slays him with a line that will surely be weaponized on dating apps for years to come:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111025\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/you-want-a-whore-buy-one-cersei-game-of-thrones.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After Euron reminds Cersei of the fact that, without his men, she'll be easily overthrown, Cersei reconsiders and lets him hit it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111031\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/oh-god-honey-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"220\" height=\"201\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And they're not the only ones getting it on. Elsewhere in the castle, Bronn is busy doing what he does best—having an orgy—'cause it's a day ending in y. Cersei's right-hand man interrupts the foursome with a proposition: A bottomless fund for prostitutes in exchange for murdering Jamie and Tyrion (if the zombies don't get to them first). Somewhere out there, Jamie's last remaining middle finger goes up in the direction of Cersei's bedroom.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Cersei's bedroom, Euron is in there asking if he's better at sex than her brother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \"You enjoy risking your neck, don't you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Euron:\u003c/strong> \"Life is boring!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Cersei:\u003c/strong> \"You might be the most arrogant man I've ever met. I like that.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Euron:\u003c/strong> \"I'm going to put a prince in your belly.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>First of all, ew. Second of all, womb already rented out, dude. Sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On a ship in the harbor, arrows shoot through a bunch of unsuspecting skulls. Oh, how we've missed you, \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>. After axing a guard right in the face, Theon rescues Yara, who immediately head butts him in the nose. Siblings: can't live with 'em, can't have an unfractured septum without 'em.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Winterfell, this whole Daenerys vs. Sansa thing is still going on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"Your sister doesn't like me. She doesn't need to be my friend, but I am her Queen. If she can't respect me...\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A few Dothraki interrupt, but we can already guess how that thought ends. Something to do with Sansa being turned into a tasty kebab for our two favorite reptiles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of Drogon and Rhaegal, it's time for their close-up, Mr. Demille. Daenerys hops on one of them for a ride and encourages Jon to do the same.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"I don't know how to ride a dragon.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"Nobody does until they ride a dragon.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"What if he doesn't want me to?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"Then I've enjoyed your company, Jon Snow.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Let's take a moment to savor this witty foreplay banter while they're still in the dark about their 23andMe DNA results.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After flying around for a while, they settle in front of a snow-covered waterfall.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jon:\u003c/strong> \"It's cold up here for a southern girl.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \"So keep your Queen warm.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I get that I'm supposed to be grossed out by them being related, but I'm strangely into this.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What? Don't look at me like that! They've been through a lot! They deserve a few orgasms!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While they're licking the insides of each other's mouths, Jon Snow opens one of his eyes to find that not everyone is on board with this incestuous coupling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111026\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-kiss-dragon.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-108543\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/dinosaurs-laugh-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"383\" height=\"277\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Winterfell, Arya rolls up on Clegane, who for some reason thinks it's a good idea to call her out:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Clegane:\u003c/strong> \"You left me to die!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Arya:\u003c/strong> \"First I robbed you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111027\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/comeback.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But she's not done roasting people. When noticing that her dagger is made of Valerian steel, Gendry says, \"I always knew you were just another rich girl.\" To which, Arya claps back, \"You don't know any other rich girls.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111027\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/comeback.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere in the castle, Daenerys walks up to Samwell to thank him for curing Jorah of his psoriasis or whatever. Their conversation goes something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Wait, your last name is Tarly?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Samwell:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yep!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, I killed your dad.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Samwell:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>What?!\u003c/em> *stifled sob* \u003cem>Well, he was a dick anyway. I guess the silver lining is that now I get to go back home 'cause my brother will be in charge and he's not so bad.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Daenerys:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Um, yeah, about that... I killed him too. #Awkward! Anyway, thanks again for being my friend's dermatologist. See you around!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Samwell runs outside, crying, only to get hit by the Bran Weirdo Express. Bran tells Sam it's time to tell Jon that he's sleeping with his aunt. Someone hand Bran some popcorn 'cause he sure does live for the drama.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-101650\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/02/popcorn-steph-curry-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sam finds Jon being emo in the crypt and breaks the news to him. \u003cem>Your new girlfriend killed my family. And she's your aunt.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This pretty much sums up Jon's reaction:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-44499\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/10/publizity-wait-whet-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"280\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In some other part of the North, Tormund a.k.a. Ginger Daddy and a few others walk into an abandoned, bloody castle. They hear a bit of clanging and prepare to throw down, but it turns out to be a friend. Phew! But their friend is still spooked: \"Stay back! He's got blue eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Tormund:\u003c/strong> \"I've always had blue eyes!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You have to appreciate the \u003cem>GoT\u003c/em> writers' ability to weave in this many LOL moments into such a dark story. Alas, the laughter is short lived because OMG THERE IS A LITTLE BOY CRUCIFIED IN THE CENTER OF A PINWHEEL OF SEVERED LIMBS AND HE DOESN'T STAY DEAD FOR LONG!!!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111028\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-evil-zombie-boy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109113\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/buffy-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"244\" height=\"160\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at Winterfell, it's that time again: Bran Weirds Someone Out o'clock! But this one is way more loaded than the rest because Jamie is on the receiving end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111029\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/game-of-thrones-bran-jamie.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"243\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jamie:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Oh, sh*t! Is that the kid I threw out the window in episode 1 of this series?!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Bran:\u003c/strong> \u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16867\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/06/post-33433-surprise-bitch-gif-Madison-Mon-0Xnt.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Game Of Thrones\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/les-miserables\">\u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>\u003c/a>)!\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart",
"title": "'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from my \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">Victoria\u003c/a>\u003cem>, \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey\u003c/a>\u003cem> or \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">Poldark\u003c/a>\u003cem> recaps. Since those shows wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports, so I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with the new adaptation of \u003c/em>Les Miserables\u003cem>. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's the summer of June 1815! Put your bathing suit away though because things are BLEAK. We've been plopped into the day right after the Battle of Waterloo, where Napoleon was officially canceled, 65,000 people died and a 20-year-long war was finally put to a bloody end. Mom, can you come and pick me up? I'm scared.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's worse than a series of panoramic shots of mutilated, dead soldiers as far as the eye can see? Close-up shots of dead horses with their eyes open, that's what! Because being scarred for life by Artex's death scene in \u003cem>The Neverending Story\u003c/em> just wasn't enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/artax-neverending-story.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"149\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, great, it gets worse; another horse blinks slowly as it takes its agonizing last breaths. I expect gruesome horse deaths from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>, but not Masterpiece Theater! Toto, we're not in Cornwall with Ross Poldark anymore.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A robber runs around stealing trinkets from the dead, until one of the corpses is like, \u003cem>Um, what the hell, I'm still (barely) alive. By the way, who won the war? \u003c/em>Turns out there's no nice way to say, \"Not you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward to some point in the future. We're now in Paris and I don't see a single dying horse (hallelujah!). Things are still bleak though. Think of the opening \"Bonjour!\" sequence from Disney's \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em>, but everyone is starving too much to deliver a hearty good morning, let alone sing one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's less of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/03/belle-beauty-and-the-beast-spin-happy-book.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And more of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110535\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/03/i-need-six-eggs-beauty-and-the-beast-disney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In short, the struggle is very real.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The nearly dead dude from earlier has a name—Pontmercy—and somehow managed to survive. You'd think things could only get better after being left for dead under the weight of a deceased horse, but Pontmercy's life still sucks. His #TeamMonarchy father-in-law has his curly ponytailed wig in a twist over Pontmercy's allegiance to #TeamBonaparte and bans him from ever seeing his son. Homeboy just went to equine hell and back; can we cut him some slack?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110979\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-door-slam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll take that as a no. Can someone throw a dead horse on #TeamMonarchy father-in-law already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, a girl named Fantine excitedly makes plans with her two friends. I don't know much about the story of \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>, but I do know a lot about Anne Hathaway's 2013 Oscar campaign for playing this role. I won't spoil anything for those more clueless than I, but let's just say: soak up any shots of Fantine smiling and enjoying her long hair while you can.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in a place called Toulon, Prisoner #24601 is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Not only is he in chains, being marched out of a disease-ridden boat to do hard labor in the sun all day, but annoying kids have to be brats on top of everything else!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110982\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-brat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hello? Yes, I'd like to order another dead horse. You can deliver that to the top of this little kid's head. Okay, great, thank you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the quarry job site, Prisoner #24601 watches guards taunt and beat his fellow prisoners for no reason. He thinks to himself, \u003cem>I know this series has the word \"miserable\" in the title, but enough is enough.\u003c/em> Prisoner #24601 uses his pick-ax to unleash an avalanche of boulders on one of the guards. Everyone is horrified by the man's screams except for Prisoner #24601, who looks on while making this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47451\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No one can get the guard out from under the rocks, so Prisoner #24601 lifts the rocks with his back while turning a scary red color.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Hulk, but crimson. I'm into it (and a little scared).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the lead prison guard, Javert, taunts Prisoner #24601: \u003cem>You thought you were going to be released early for being heroic? LOL, never gonna happen! P.S. I bet I would be a better criminal than you!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, okay. Next time, just say \"Nanny nanny boo boo\" and let this poor man go back to \u003cdel>bed\u003c/del> the planks of wood he is forced to sleep on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prisoner #24601 is apparently serving a 19-year sentence for stealing a measly piece of bread. Thank goodness we no longer live in a society where people receive absurdly long jail sentences for minor crimes. Oh, wait...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, at a rave in Paris, three guys check out Fantine and her friends. They agree Fantine is a virgin and one of them decides to—I'm guessing—ruin her life. They all dance until daybreak and Fantine seems happy. I'm already devastated about whatever's about to happen to her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106867\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/despair-sad-upset-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"299\" height=\"238\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At work the next day, Fantine is all;\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96642\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sailor-moon-heart-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"366\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of her friends tries to get real with her, explaining that fancy men only want one thing from working girls like them, and it's not a hand in marriage. Now that that's cleared up, someone should also tell Fantine that, even though she could totally play a convincing Belle, this isn't a Disney production and her happy ending is most definitely going to get lost in the mail.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite her friend's warning, Fantine hangs out with Felix again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"You look like an angel.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Fantine:\u003c/strong> \"My friend said I shouldn't believe a word you say.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND, FANTINE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"Before I met you, I sought nothing but my own selfish pleasure. Now, I want to dedicate my life to you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HA HA HA, THAT'S FUNNY, FELIX. TELL ANOTHER ONE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"You see, I'm a poet. I hope to be famous one day. And you will be my Muse.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>RUN, FANTINE, RUN!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"I wonder if you know how I'm suffering. Are you going to be merciful, Fantine? Will you take pity on me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Fantine:\u003c/strong> \"I don't want you to be sad. You promise you'll be good to be, Felix?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"On my life.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HE IS SCAMMING YOU, FANTINE! DON'T FALL FOR IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine falls for it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110992\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/face-palm-compilation.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"343\" height=\"272\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Toulon, Javert makes an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with Prisoner #24601 while another prisoner is executed by a firing squad. This series is in desperate need of some cute puppy relief. I'm gonna place this darling image of my favorite Masterpiece pup, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>'s Horace the Pug, here as a form of cleansing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ahhh. I feel better, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at #TeamRoyalist HQ, Pontmercy's father-in-law is brainwashing Pontmercy's son, Marius, with classist propaganda. He's also getting him drunk.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110985\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-wine-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Napoleon: Scoundrel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Daddy: Scoundrel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This wine: Crisp with notes of pear and a nice tart finish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All of a sudden we're hit with a sped-up montage of clouds moving, icicles melting and Fantine losing her virginity. Boom, it's a year later. Time flies after you discover the joys of sex with a man who's no good for you, I guess. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Toulon, Prisoner #24601 has finally served his entire 19 years and is being released. He strips off his prisoner uniform and Javert can't help but sneak a peek.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-naked.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110989\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/he-must-work-out-dumb-and-dumber.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"413\" height=\"232\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With only a handful of francs to his name (which is Jean Valjean by the way...)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110990\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-jean-valjean.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Valjean wanders the French countryside, which is full of haters. Every villager he comes across is too busy giving him a dirty look to give him a helping hand. So he tries to make his own way, offering to help haul barrels of ale into a tavern for an entire afternoon for some change. After all the work is done, the owners grossly underpay him because he's an ex-convict. Or maybe they just have a thing against bold beards?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Valjean is turned away from every inn in town. (Bethlehem called. They want their heartlessness back.) While trying to get some shut-eye on a public bench, a cute old lady is like, \u003cem>Hey, sorry that all my neighbors are a-holes. Try that house over there.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside that house over there, a bishop is having a low-key \u003cdel>Netflix and\u003c/del> chill night in. His maid is cluing him into all the town gossip: \u003cem>My holy dude, today there was this creepy crimson Hulk guy with a really ugly face walking around town. Because What Would Jesus Do? bracelets haven't been invented yet, none of us have to feel bad about not wanting to help him. That's how religion works, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just then, Valjean shows up like \u003cem>Hey, who was just talking smack about my face?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110995\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, unlike his maid and neighbors, the bishop is woke. He's not a fan of the prison industrial complex and offers Valjean a meal and a guest room. Valjean looks all around for Ashton Kutcher, convinced that he's being Punk'd. 19 years without even a smidge of kindness would make anyone paranoid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Woke Bishop and Valjean get into a debate about whether love and kindness can change a man.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Woke Bishop:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Eat pray love is my philosophy! Hm, maybe I should write a polarizing memoir and call it that!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Valjean:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sounds like something terrible I would never read! I'd be into something called Eat Curse Hate though.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They agree to disagree for now and head to bed. Woke Bishop gives Valjean the room next to his and even leaves the door between their rooms open as a sign of trust. Am I the only one who wants this guy to be my grandpa and read to me?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this point, Valjean is looking under the bed and behind the curtains for Ashton Kutcher. There's no way someone would be this nice for no reason, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once Woke Bishop is asleep and dreaming of meeting a hottie in Bali (the last section of his insufferable memoir isn't going to write itself!), Valjean steals all the silverware and sneaks out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, because he's a wonderful person, Woke Bishop sees the theft and betrayal as an opportunity to fall in love with eating with his hands. Someone canonize this man already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While St. Woke Bishop is enjoying some finger food, there's a knock at the door. It's a bunch of cops, who've caught Valjean and all the pilfered silverware.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>St. Woke Bishop:\u003c/strong> \"Welcome back! I'm glad to see you! You forgot to take the candlesticks, didn't you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He then explains to the cops that he wants Valjean to have anything he wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110996\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/heart-burst-full-rainbows-colbert-crying-happy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the cops leave, St. Woke Bishop tells Valjean that the best way to repay him is to become a good man and live a good life. Valjean's face has an allergic reaction to all this kindness:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110997\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-valjean-mad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Valjean storms out with all his loot and St. Woke Bishop gets back to smiling while eating with his fingers. Bless his heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Paris, Fantine and her friends are on a triple date with Felix and his bros. They all run around and kiss and pee in the woods and eat a fancy meal together. All the while, the boys keep alluding to a big surprise they have in store. Finally, they leave the dining room to go get it, leaving the girls to guess what it could be (something pretty? gold necklaces? a vow of feminism?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, a waiter comes in with an envelope with \"This is the surprise\" written on it. The letter reads:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>This was fun and all, but rich men don't marry poor whores. HA HA HA! Talk to you never!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/i-hate-men-kiss-me-kate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"568\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, ghosting Fantine and her friends like that earns them not just a brief animated gif but the entire song:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAk_QbaB5Ts\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Rot in hell, Felix and friends!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of rude men, on a country road, Valjean steals a little boy's money and laughs about it. Then he hears the church bells from the distant town and remembers sweet, old, fork-less St. Woke Bishop. Valjean finally feels a sense of shame and tries barking after the robbed little boy, but it's too late. Valjean realizes how badly he needs to rehabilitate (and bathe) himself. For now, doing child's pose in the middle of the road will have to be enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110999\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-1020x685.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"430\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-1020x685.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-160x107.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-800x537.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-768x516.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM.png 1048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Paris, Fantine returns home, broken-hearted, and a woman with a baby says, \"Here's \u003cem>maman\u003c/em>!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111000\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/shocked-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"295\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine and Felix have a baby together???? Things just got a whole lot more (les) miserable(s).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine takes her daughter upstairs and sobs, \"Oh, Cosette, whatever are we going to do now?\" Probably suffer a lot and then die while Felix is off somewhere enjoying bonbons!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once more, with feeling:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/i-hate-men-kiss-me-kate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"568\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Felix And His Bros. \u003c/strong>Roll out the guillotine. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: All Those Dead Horses. \u003c/strong>I hope pony heaven is full of oats or whatever y'all are into. Miss you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Marius Pontmercy. \u003c/strong>A wine sommelier by the age of four? What a legend.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Fantine. \u003c/strong>Here's a silver lining to go with that silver medal: Brutal breakups lead to great breakup albums. Write your \u003cem>Jagged Little Pill\u003c/em>, sister!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: St. Woke Bishop\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Tied with Mister Rogers for Nicest Neighbor Ever. I can't wait to read his memoir.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and—coming soon—\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>)!\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "It's the summer of June 1815! Put your bathing suit away though because things are BLEAK. ",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Hi there! You might remember me from my \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">Victoria\u003c/a>\u003cem>, \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">Downton Abbey\u003c/a>\u003cem> or \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">Poldark\u003c/a>\u003cem> recaps. Since those shows wrapped, I've felt a void in my spirit that can only be filled by PBS-approved British imports, so I'm going to try falling in love again; this time, with the new adaptation of \u003c/em>Les Miserables\u003cem>. I hope you'll join me. Let's do this!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's the summer of June 1815! Put your bathing suit away though because things are BLEAK. We've been plopped into the day right after the Battle of Waterloo, where Napoleon was officially canceled, 65,000 people died and a 20-year-long war was finally put to a bloody end. Mom, can you come and pick me up? I'm scared.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What's worse than a series of panoramic shots of mutilated, dead soldiers as far as the eye can see? Close-up shots of dead horses with their eyes open, that's what! Because being scarred for life by Artex's death scene in \u003cem>The Neverending Story\u003c/em> just wasn't enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110945\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/artax-neverending-story.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"149\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Oh, great, it gets worse; another horse blinks slowly as it takes its agonizing last breaths. I expect gruesome horse deaths from \u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>, but not Masterpiece Theater! Toto, we're not in Cornwall with Ross Poldark anymore.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A robber runs around stealing trinkets from the dead, until one of the corpses is like, \u003cem>Um, what the hell, I'm still (barely) alive. By the way, who won the war? \u003c/em>Turns out there's no nice way to say, \"Not you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fast forward to some point in the future. We're now in Paris and I don't see a single dying horse (hallelujah!). Things are still bleak though. Think of the opening \"Bonjour!\" sequence from Disney's \u003cem>Beauty and the Beast\u003c/em>, but everyone is starving too much to deliver a hearty good morning, let alone sing one.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It's less of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110536\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/03/belle-beauty-and-the-beast-spin-happy-book.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And more of this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110535\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/03/i-need-six-eggs-beauty-and-the-beast-disney.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In short, the struggle is very real.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The nearly dead dude from earlier has a name—Pontmercy—and somehow managed to survive. You'd think things could only get better after being left for dead under the weight of a deceased horse, but Pontmercy's life still sucks. His #TeamMonarchy father-in-law has his curly ponytailed wig in a twist over Pontmercy's allegiance to #TeamBonaparte and bans him from ever seeing his son. Homeboy just went to equine hell and back; can we cut him some slack?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110979\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-door-slam.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I'll take that as a no. Can someone throw a dead horse on #TeamMonarchy father-in-law already?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Outside, a girl named Fantine excitedly makes plans with her two friends. I don't know much about the story of \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em>, but I do know a lot about Anne Hathaway's 2013 Oscar campaign for playing this role. I won't spoil anything for those more clueless than I, but let's just say: soak up any shots of Fantine smiling and enjoying her long hair while you can.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over in a place called Toulon, Prisoner #24601 is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Not only is he in chains, being marched out of a disease-ridden boat to do hard labor in the sun all day, but annoying kids have to be brats on top of everything else!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110982\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-brat.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hello? Yes, I'd like to order another dead horse. You can deliver that to the top of this little kid's head. Okay, great, thank you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the quarry job site, Prisoner #24601 watches guards taunt and beat his fellow prisoners for no reason. He thinks to himself, \u003cem>I know this series has the word \"miserable\" in the title, but enough is enough.\u003c/em> Prisoner #24601 uses his pick-ax to unleash an avalanche of boulders on one of the guards. Everyone is horrified by the man's screams except for Prisoner #24601, who looks on while making this face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-47451\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/11/evil-smile.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"275\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>No one can get the guard out from under the rocks, so Prisoner #24601 lifts the rocks with his back while turning a scary red color.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110983\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"292\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1020x465.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-160x73.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-800x365.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-768x350.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM-1200x547.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-3.21.32-PM.png 1276w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Hulk, but crimson. I'm into it (and a little scared).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, the lead prison guard, Javert, taunts Prisoner #24601: \u003cem>You thought you were going to be released early for being heroic? LOL, never gonna happen! P.S. I bet I would be a better criminal than you!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Um, okay. Next time, just say \"Nanny nanny boo boo\" and let this poor man go back to \u003cdel>bed\u003c/del> the planks of wood he is forced to sleep on.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Prisoner #24601 is apparently serving a 19-year sentence for stealing a measly piece of bread. Thank goodness we no longer live in a society where people receive absurdly long jail sentences for minor crimes. Oh, wait...\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, at a rave in Paris, three guys check out Fantine and her friends. They agree Fantine is a virgin and one of them decides to—I'm guessing—ruin her life. They all dance until daybreak and Fantine seems happy. I'm already devastated about whatever's about to happen to her.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-106867\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/10/despair-sad-upset-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"299\" height=\"238\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At work the next day, Fantine is all;\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-96642\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/sailor-moon-heart-eyes.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"366\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of her friends tries to get real with her, explaining that fancy men only want one thing from working girls like them, and it's not a hand in marriage. Now that that's cleared up, someone should also tell Fantine that, even though she could totally play a convincing Belle, this isn't a Disney production and her happy ending is most definitely going to get lost in the mail.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Despite her friend's warning, Fantine hangs out with Felix again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"You look like an angel.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Fantine:\u003c/strong> \"My friend said I shouldn't believe a word you say.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND, FANTINE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"Before I met you, I sought nothing but my own selfish pleasure. Now, I want to dedicate my life to you.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HA HA HA, THAT'S FUNNY, FELIX. TELL ANOTHER ONE!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"You see, I'm a poet. I hope to be famous one day. And you will be my Muse.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>RUN, FANTINE, RUN!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"I wonder if you know how I'm suffering. Are you going to be merciful, Fantine? Will you take pity on me?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Fantine:\u003c/strong> \"I don't want you to be sad. You promise you'll be good to be, Felix?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Felix:\u003c/strong> \"On my life.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>HE IS SCAMMING YOU, FANTINE! DON'T FALL FOR IT!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine falls for it.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110992\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/face-palm-compilation.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"343\" height=\"272\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Toulon, Javert makes an uncomfortable amount of eye contact with Prisoner #24601 while another prisoner is executed by a firing squad. This series is in desperate need of some cute puppy relief. I'm gonna place this darling image of my favorite Masterpiece pup, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>'s Horace the Pug, here as a form of cleansing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-96825\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"352\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1020x561.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-160x88.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-800x440.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-768x423.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1920x1057.jpg 1920w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-1180x649.jpg 1180w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-960x528.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-240x132.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-375x206.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy-520x286.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2017/10/horace-copy.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Ahhh. I feel better, don't you?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at #TeamRoyalist HQ, Pontmercy's father-in-law is brainwashing Pontmercy's son, Marius, with classist propaganda. He's also getting him drunk.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110985\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-wine-drinking.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Napoleon: Scoundrel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Daddy: Scoundrel.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This wine: Crisp with notes of pear and a nice tart finish.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>All of a sudden we're hit with a sped-up montage of clouds moving, icicles melting and Fantine losing her virginity. Boom, it's a year later. Time flies after you discover the joys of sex with a man who's no good for you, I guess. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Toulon, Prisoner #24601 has finally served his entire 19 years and is being released. He strips off his prisoner uniform and Javert can't help but sneak a peek.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110987\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-naked.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110989\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/he-must-work-out-dumb-and-dumber.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"413\" height=\"232\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>With only a handful of francs to his name (which is Jean Valjean by the way...)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110990\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-jean-valjean.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>...Valjean wanders the French countryside, which is full of haters. Every villager he comes across is too busy giving him a dirty look to give him a helping hand. So he tries to make his own way, offering to help haul barrels of ale into a tavern for an entire afternoon for some change. After all the work is done, the owners grossly underpay him because he's an ex-convict. Or maybe they just have a thing against bold beards?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That night, Valjean is turned away from every inn in town. (Bethlehem called. They want their heartlessness back.) While trying to get some shut-eye on a public bench, a cute old lady is like, \u003cem>Hey, sorry that all my neighbors are a-holes. Try that house over there.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Inside that house over there, a bishop is having a low-key \u003cdel>Netflix and\u003c/del> chill night in. His maid is cluing him into all the town gossip: \u003cem>My holy dude, today there was this creepy crimson Hulk guy with a really ugly face walking around town. Because What Would Jesus Do? bracelets haven't been invented yet, none of us have to feel bad about not wanting to help him. That's how religion works, right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Just then, Valjean shows up like \u003cem>Hey, who was just talking smack about my face?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110995\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-cross.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully, unlike his maid and neighbors, the bishop is woke. He's not a fan of the prison industrial complex and offers Valjean a meal and a guest room. Valjean looks all around for Ashton Kutcher, convinced that he's being Punk'd. 19 years without even a smidge of kindness would make anyone paranoid.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Woke Bishop and Valjean get into a debate about whether love and kindness can change a man.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Woke Bishop:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Eat pray love is my philosophy! Hm, maybe I should write a polarizing memoir and call it that!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Valjean:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sounds like something terrible I would never read! I'd be into something called Eat Curse Hate though.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>They agree to disagree for now and head to bed. Woke Bishop gives Valjean the room next to his and even leaves the door between their rooms open as a sign of trust. Am I the only one who wants this guy to be my grandpa and read to me?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At this point, Valjean is looking under the bed and behind the curtains for Ashton Kutcher. There's no way someone would be this nice for no reason, right?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once Woke Bishop is asleep and dreaming of meeting a hottie in Bali (the last section of his insufferable memoir isn't going to write itself!), Valjean steals all the silverware and sneaks out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-16986\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2015/07/tyra-rooting-for-you.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"303\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, because he's a wonderful person, Woke Bishop sees the theft and betrayal as an opportunity to fall in love with eating with his hands. Someone canonize this man already!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While St. Woke Bishop is enjoying some finger food, there's a knock at the door. It's a bunch of cops, who've caught Valjean and all the pilfered silverware.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>St. Woke Bishop:\u003c/strong> \"Welcome back! I'm glad to see you! You forgot to take the candlesticks, didn't you?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He then explains to the cops that he wants Valjean to have anything he wants.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110996\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/heart-burst-full-rainbows-colbert-crying-happy.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"360\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the cops leave, St. Woke Bishop tells Valjean that the best way to repay him is to become a good man and live a good life. Valjean's face has an allergic reaction to all this kindness:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110997\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/les-miserables-valjean-mad.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"226\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Valjean storms out with all his loot and St. Woke Bishop gets back to smiling while eating with his fingers. Bless his heart.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Paris, Fantine and her friends are on a triple date with Felix and his bros. They all run around and kiss and pee in the woods and eat a fancy meal together. All the while, the boys keep alluding to a big surprise they have in store. Finally, they leave the dining room to go get it, leaving the girls to guess what it could be (something pretty? gold necklaces? a vow of feminism?).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moments later, a waiter comes in with an envelope with \"This is the surprise\" written on it. The letter reads:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>This was fun and all, but rich men don't marry poor whores. HA HA HA! Talk to you never!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/i-hate-men-kiss-me-kate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"568\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Actually, ghosting Fantine and her friends like that earns them not just a brief animated gif but the entire song:\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/aAk_QbaB5Ts'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/aAk_QbaB5Ts'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Rot in hell, Felix and friends!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Speaking of rude men, on a country road, Valjean steals a little boy's money and laughs about it. Then he hears the church bells from the distant town and remembers sweet, old, fork-less St. Woke Bishop. Valjean finally feels a sense of shame and tries barking after the robbed little boy, but it's too late. Valjean realizes how badly he needs to rehabilitate (and bathe) himself. For now, doing child's pose in the middle of the road will have to be enough.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-large wp-image-110999\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-1020x685.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"640\" height=\"430\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-1020x685.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-160x107.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-800x537.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM-768x516.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/Screen-Shot-2019-04-12-at-11.21.20-PM.png 1048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back in Paris, Fantine returns home, broken-hearted, and a woman with a baby says, \"Here's \u003cem>maman\u003c/em>!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-111000\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/shocked-baby.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"295\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine and Felix have a baby together???? Things just got a whole lot more (les) miserable(s).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Fantine takes her daughter upstairs and sobs, \"Oh, Cosette, whatever are we going to do now?\" Probably suffer a lot and then die while Felix is off somewhere enjoying bonbons!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Once more, with feeling:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-110998\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/04/i-hate-men-kiss-me-kate.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"568\" height=\"312\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: Felix And His Bros. \u003c/strong>Roll out the guillotine. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: All Those Dead Horses. \u003c/strong>I hope pony heaven is full of oats or whatever y'all are into. Miss you!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>BRONZE:\u003c/strong> \u003cstrong>Marius Pontmercy. \u003c/strong>A wine sommelier by the age of four? What a legend.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>SILVER: Fantine. \u003c/strong>Here's a silver lining to go with that silver medal: Brutal breakups lead to great breakup albums. Write your \u003cem>Jagged Little Pill\u003c/em>, sister!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp class=\"m_-8500230470282184039p1\">\u003cstrong>GOLD: St. Woke Bishop\u003c/strong>\u003cspan class=\"m_-8500230470282184039s1\">\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Tied with Mister Rogers for Nicest Neighbor Ever. I can't wait to read his memoir.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Les Miserables\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or read my other \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps\">\u003ci>r\u003c/i>ecaps\u003c/a> (\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> and—coming soon—\u003cem>Game of Thrones\u003c/em>)!\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"disqusTitle": "'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker",
"title": "'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker",
"headTitle": "KQED Pop | KQED Arts",
"content": "\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the loony bin got in the way of Disney Princess and New Footman moving to California:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert stopped fighting long enough to pretend they were in \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam got really riled up over an assault on some Brit's lemons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I vowed to start a White House petition for ABC to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I asked you all to vote on who was cuter: Albert or his cousin, King Otto of Greece. The results were not even close:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109816\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"275\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg 880w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-160x73.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-800x367.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-768x353.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(If you missed \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the last recap\u003c/a> and want your voice heard, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">you can still vote\u003c/a>.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will we objectify some more royal dudes this episode? Will New Footman break Disney Princess out of the mental asylum so they can realize their \u003cem>Beverly Hills 90210\u003c/em> fantasy? Will the season finale's climax involve the writers explaining that the cholera episode and everything that followed was just a fever dream and Babyface Maid is actually totally healthy and loving her new life as an innkeeper? Will Victoria and Albert continue to copy make-out techniques from the stars of \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109818\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/ryan-gosling-rachel-mcaddams-kiss-award.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"425\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our season finale begins with Albert still obsessing over hosting his glorified middle school science fair. This is the first time one of his random hobbies has managed to last more than a single episode. Congrats are in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109829\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nancy-pelosi-state-of-the-union-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"423\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109830\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nicole-kidman-weird-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"477\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spelling-bee-clap-albert-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's office, everyone sits around while Victoria opens snail mail because Netflix and Twitter hadn't been invented yet, so there wasn't really much else to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the rule in this family is you must consider every first cousin as a romantic prospect, Bertie is eyeing up Xenadora's daughter, Edelweiss (yes, I know her name is actually Adelheid, but I'd rather make a reference to \u003cem>The Sound of Music\u003c/em> because a. what a wonderful film and b. we should indulge any excuse to ruminate on \u003ca href=\"https://66.media.tumblr.com/4de065ca496c673a487d491719221924/tumblr_mluk92N13k1rgewb2o2_250.gif\">how dashing\u003c/a> Christopher Plummer was as Captain von Trapp).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-heidi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure, a little kid having a crush is cute, but this makes me uncomfortable because I wouldn't put it past these people to actually hook these two up to preserve power and solidify continental alliances. Excuse me while I hunt for a historical spoiler because I'd like to know how grossed out I should be over the next hour.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*reads Bertie and Edelweiss' Wikipedia pages, somehow ends up spending 15 minutes reading about how kinky Rasputin allegedly got with one of Victoria's granddaughters*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. Bertie and Edelweiss do not get married to each other. Guess I won't be needing this puke bag after all. Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109875\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke-bag-fakeout.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"218\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria receives a letter from Disney Villain about how Disney Princess has come down with an \"inflammation of the brain that requires complete rest and seclusion.\" Somehow, the Queen fails to realize that's Abusive Husband Speak for \"I locked her in her room because I'm the only one who gets to have frisky affairs around here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that afternoon, Albert tries to arrange a husband for Edelweiss because she's 16 going on Old Maid, by Victorian standards. Bertie promptly turns into the \u003ca href=\"https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/talkingtech/2017/02/24/white-guy-blinking-meme-explained/98358288/\">white guy blinking meme\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109837\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-victoria-wtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"421\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109838\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/white-guy-blinking-meme.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"470\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember back at the beginning of the season, when the French overthrew their monarch and forced that rich lady to flee with her cute dog?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"433\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, things are still very chaotic over there. There's now been a coup, involving Napoleon Bonaparte's even shorter nephew, Louis Napoleon, declaring himself Emperor. Lord Pam is excited by this because, like Marie Kondo, he loves mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-love-mess-marie-kondo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Villain says a bunch of menacing things to an imprisoned Disney Princess. I don't know about y'all, but I'm already quite ready for New Footman to kick down the door and carry her off to California.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-103627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/05/judge-judy-watch-impatient-annoyed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While on a walk in the park, Lord Pam sneaks up on Xenadora with a proposition:\u003cem> Let's marry off Edelweiss to Louis Napoleon! She'd be Empress and outrank everyone, even Victoria!\u003c/em> Xenadora salivates all over the front of her dress at the thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/janeane-garafalo-romy-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> gets tired of no one doing anything to help Disney Princess, so she flat out asks Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, can I go over there and save the day again, like I did when I foiled Lord Pam's plan to shoot a bunch of Chartists in the street? \u003c/em>Victoria agrees because she wants me to have a reason to make this gif again, but with Disney Villain's face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If this season has taught us anything, there's nothing Lord Pam loves more than buddying up with foreign troublemakers the Queen doesn't approve of (shout out to the French rebels in the season premiere and that random Hungarian from Episode 3 who only ever gets around to shaving his chin and nothing else):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, add another name to that list of troublemakers because Lord Pam is at it again, this time sending congratulations to Louis Napoleon without approval from the Queen or his party. Now, the King of Prussia is pissed, which has made Albert pissed, which has made Victoria pissed, so yeah, this is bad. Prime Minister Pushover believes the scandal may cost Lord Pam his position as Foreign Secretary. But then what would we do for entertainment around here? Someone has to sprinkle drama on top of every episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert finds Xenadora and vents, \u003cem>OMG, can you believe Lord Pam cozied up to the Emperor of France? Only traitors would ever want anything to do with the French! Am I right or am I right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora, who's hiding a beret, a baguette and a French language Rosetta Stone CD-ROM behind her back, smiles and slowly backs away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After bribing a maid and finding out the truth behind Disney Princess' fake illness, Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em> tells Victoria what's really going on at Disney World. Victoria asks New Footman to fetch Disney Villain. Uh oh! Maybe we don't need Lord Pam to bring the drama after all! By the look on Jo's face, she knows it's about to go down:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the kitchen, New Footman yells about how he is going to snap Disney Villain's neck like a chicken's and then declares that he'll lay down his life if it means saving Disney Princess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Jo didn't get a chance to stare down Disney Villain, Mean Butler will have to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-penge-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Don't look so surprised! You think a footman isn't capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"A good looking young man could use a Duchess for his own advancement.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Not everyone thinks like you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"You don't think I'm capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-laughing-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain is called to the \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">principal's\u003c/span> Queen's office to explain himself. He prattles on about how he had no choice but to lock Disney Princess up because she suffers from \"hysterical nymphomania.\" Victoria doesn't waste any time laying down some feminist truth: \"In my experience, men only call women mad when they're doing something inconvenient.\" She demands that he release Disney Princess at once and, before he has a chance to disagree, says \"You may leave us, \"which is polite British for \"Get the F out of my face before I have you exiled.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, Bertie runs into Victoria's bedroom and shakes her awake to announce that Albert is dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bolts out of bed and rushes to find that Albert is not dead, just napping. Bertie really needs to stay in tutoring, if he can't tell the difference between a sleeping person and a corpse. Then again, his 30-year-old mother just recently found out humans can't breathe underwater, so maybe I should cut him some slack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, it's finally time for the Great Exhibition! We were promised the most impressive innovations from around the world. Instead, we got stylish taxidermied ferrets and musical frogs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109846\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"216\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-160x72.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-800x360.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-768x345.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1200x539.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM.png 1900w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-800x430.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-768x412.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1200x644.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM.png 1598w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria, Albert and the kids take off for the Exhibition, some Homeland Security guy, who turns out to be Nine Fingers from earlier this season, pops up to say that someone in the crowd might try to attack them. Victoria thinks the possibility over for a millisecond before saying, \u003cem>Meh, I've been shot at a bunch of times and the assassins always mess up. See y'all there!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Great Exhibition Hall is a huge hit and no one tries to kill the Queen. Yay! But someone still might end up dead because a newly freed Disney Princess is already tempting fate by hanging out with New Footman in plain view. He has made arrangements for the two of them to leave for America later that evening; all she has to do is meet him at the train station. Disney Princess really wants to, but worries about leaving her son behind, so New Footman tries to ease her concern: \u003cem>Your son is basically an adult. 10 is the new 20! He'll be fine!\u003c/em> Quite the flimsy argument, but let's just go along with it because I want to watch their \u003cem>90210\u003c/em> spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman spots Mean Butler spying on them and walks over to have it out. Their chat goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I quit!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sorry that I misjudged you as a scammer who was looking for a come-up. I can see that you actually had good intentions the whole time. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LOL, no, you were totally right. I am a scammer looking for a come-up. I just happened to fall in love during this particular scam.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>This reminds me of a time a lady and I were...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yeah, I don't care. Bye forever!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Vicky Jr. is introduced to the much older Prussian prince Albert has decided she will marry once she gets her period. And Edelweiss meets another cute-enough Prussian Albert picked out (damn, Al, one hobby at a time!). Bertie's little heart is crushed that he will never get the chance to incest it up with his cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109848\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-sad-omg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who is not pleased by Edelweiss being paired up with a Prussian is Xenadora, whose French vanilla fantasy has now been cancelled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109849\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/paris-audrey-hepburn-cancelled.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, earlier in this recap, I mentioned the possibility of objectifying more royal men via a poll. That time has come because why not? Let's vote on who's cuter out of Edelweiss' two potential husbands:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Napoleon?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"386\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg 386w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III-160x199.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 386px) 100vw, 386px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or this Prussian dude?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109866\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"517\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-160x207.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-800x1034.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-768x993.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-928x1200.jpg 928w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein.jpg 1584w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2269423x0Da48b3D-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:197px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different part of the exhibition hall, Disney Villain corners Mean Butler and demands to know the name of his wife's lover. But Mean Butler is good all of a sudden and tosses the little bribery ball sack and its three measly coins on the ground. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> did dramatically transferring money better:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Bertie proposes to Edelweiss, who responds with, \"Don't you think I'm a little too old for you?\" Great point, but you missed this part: \"...and don't you think it's alarming how we share a grandparent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she's also pretty much a child who doesn't have a firm grasp on what a secret is, Edelweiss blurts out that another reason she can't marry her 8-year-old first cousin is that her mother is already arranging her marriage to the French Emperor. Oh, boy, Bertie is totally going to run and tell his parents! This is about to get messy. To pull a mood from earlier in the episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In political news: After being censured by all the other old white dudes in power, Lord Pam decides to resign. On his way home, Xenadora runs up and is like, \u003cem>Hey, so about you hooking my daughter up with Louis Napoleon! Let's marry her off!\u003c/em> Lord Pam shuts it down with a quickness: \u003cem>I don't have a job anymore. Something else I don't have: an F to give about you or your daughter. Peace out! It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the hall, Victoria senses Disney Princess' plan to ditch her kid for a man and proceeds to guilt trip her for even considering leaving her child behind. Don't listen to her, Disney Princess! 10 is the new 20! Go to America and enjoy New Footman's \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png\">boat-censored parts \u003c/a>for the rest of your days!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the Exhibition, Edelweiss tries to make things up to Bertie by gifting him a piece of chocolate. He smacks it out of her hand and runs away. Maybe because it wasn't a Kit Kat, which I recently found out is the actor who plays Bertie's favorite sweet treat.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://youtu.be/qYofNetNKTU\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bertie runs into Albert and tells him all about his heartbreak and how Xenadora is trying to marry Edelweiss off to Louis Napoleon. The revenge sirens from \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> go off in Albert's ears.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOy6hqzfsAs\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109881\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"460\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg 914w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-160x123.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-800x613.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-768x588.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert tells the Queen how sneaky Xenadora is, Victoria uses every muscle in her body to suppress an \"I TOLD YOU SO!!!\" jig.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109852\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/told-ya-so.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"302\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can celebrate being right all along, Xenadora strolls in and shovels more of her BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, fam! Congrats on the exhibition and being the smartest, coolest brother-in-law ever! And thanks so much for hooking my daughter up with that Prussian dude, whom I totally want her to marry, especially cause he's not a stinky French person! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LIAR!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Fine, you caught me. I think Bertie is an idiot. I'm moving out. Bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to have a heart-to-heart with Xenadora and tells her she doesn't have to go, but Xenadora isn't hearing any of it. In her mind, she should've been Queen and that's that on that! Cold and heartless 'til the bitter end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Disney Princess is packed and about to leave for the train station, when her son stops her to share a dream he had of her abandoning him. A little too on the nose, don't you think, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers? Meanwhile, New Footman waits at the station with no Disney Princess in sight. I'm thinking he'll be waiting there for quite some time. Thanks a lot, Disney Heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Albert and Victoria revel in how successful the exhibition was. You know what else is successful? The acting prowess of Albert's left hand. Look at it go!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-hand.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"379\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make up for a season of being at each other's throats, Albert and Victoria reminisce about when she proposed to him and how happy they are with each other. They share a passionate kiss... and then Albert loses consciousness and collapses to the ground. Victoria screams his name over and over and, despite having hundreds of servants, no one comes to help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: That Cliffhanger. \u003c/strong>Sure, we can Google Albert's death date to find out if this is really serious or not, but it's still rude! As is making us wonder whether Disney Princess really stood New Footman up or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106086\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/how-rude-stephanie-tanner-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Ernst. \u003c/strong>Not even one measly appearance this entire season?? But they found the time to trot out everyone's least favorite character, Uncle Leopold? What gives? Sure, Ernst was probably busy applying that poison powder to his diseased penis, but he needs to get it under control 'cause Season 4 needs him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Bertie\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>His incest wish may not have come true, but he's still a winner, considering how much screen time he grabbed all season. The actor who plays him is going to be able to buy so many Kit Kats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Edelweiss.\u003c/strong> Imagine having Xenadora as your mom. Or, worse than that, imagine your two suitors both being that butt ugly. But Louis Napoleon's genes aren't all bad; check out his hot son!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impe%CC%81rial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"477\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-160x254.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-800x1272.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-768x1221.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-755x1200.jpg 755w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam and Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Love them or love to hate them, these two newbies brought the drama this season. Without them, it would have just been 8 full hours of Victoria and Albert arguing. And lord knows we've seen enough of that for a lifetime.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109872\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/stop-fighting-please.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/15/victoria-season-1-premiere-recap-bow-down/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"excerpt": "For a show that can sometimes be a little snoozy, this season finale really brought the fireworks!",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>In \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the previous episode of \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the loony bin got in the way of Disney Princess and New Footman moving to California:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109802\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"354\" height=\"391\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210.jpg 354w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/90210-160x177.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 354px) 100vw, 354px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria and Albert stopped fighting long enough to pretend they were in \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109797\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kiss-rain.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"251\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109798\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/notebook-rain-scene-kiss.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"155\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lord Pam got really riled up over an assault on some Brit's lemons:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109785\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lemon-drop.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"241\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I vowed to start a White House petition for ABC to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109804\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria.jpg 1014w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-160x90.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-800x450.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bachelor-francatelli-victoria-768x432.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And I asked you all to vote on who was cuter: Albert or his cousin, King Otto of Greece. The results were not even close:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109816\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"275\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria.jpg 880w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-160x73.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-800x367.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-otto-victoria-768x353.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(If you missed \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">the last recap\u003c/a> and want your voice heard, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">you can still vote\u003c/a>.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Will we objectify some more royal dudes this episode? Will New Footman break Disney Princess out of the mental asylum so they can realize their \u003cem>Beverly Hills 90210\u003c/em> fantasy? Will the season finale's climax involve the writers explaining that the cholera episode and everything that followed was just a fever dream and Babyface Maid is actually totally healthy and loving her new life as an innkeeper? Will Victoria and Albert continue to copy make-out techniques from the stars of \u003cem>The Notebook\u003c/em>?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109818\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/ryan-gosling-rachel-mcaddams-kiss-award.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"425\" height=\"222\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Only one way to find out! On with the show!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Our season finale begins with Albert still obsessing over hosting his glorified middle school science fair. This is the first time one of his random hobbies has managed to last more than a single episode. Congrats are in order!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109829\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nancy-pelosi-state-of-the-union-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"423\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109830\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nicole-kidman-weird-clap.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"477\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109834\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/spelling-bee-clap-albert-victoria-pbs.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"396\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the Queen's office, everyone sits around while Victoria opens snail mail because Netflix and Twitter hadn't been invented yet, so there wasn't really much else to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because the rule in this family is you must consider every first cousin as a romantic prospect, Bertie is eyeing up Xenadora's daughter, Edelweiss (yes, I know her name is actually Adelheid, but I'd rather make a reference to \u003cem>The Sound of Music\u003c/em> because a. what a wonderful film and b. we should indulge any excuse to ruminate on \u003ca href=\"https://66.media.tumblr.com/4de065ca496c673a487d491719221924/tumblr_mluk92N13k1rgewb2o2_250.gif\">how dashing\u003c/a> Christopher Plummer was as Captain von Trapp).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109835\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-heidi.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"225\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Sure, a little kid having a crush is cute, but this makes me uncomfortable because I wouldn't put it past these people to actually hook these two up to preserve power and solidify continental alliances. Excuse me while I hunt for a historical spoiler because I'd like to know how grossed out I should be over the next hour.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>*reads Bertie and Edelweiss' Wikipedia pages, somehow ends up spending 15 minutes reading about how kinky Rasputin allegedly got with one of Victoria's granddaughters*\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, I'm back. Bertie and Edelweiss do not get married to each other. Guess I won't be needing this puke bag after all. Phew!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-109875\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/puke-bag-fakeout.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"218\" height=\"283\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria receives a letter from Disney Villain about how Disney Princess has come down with an \"inflammation of the brain that requires complete rest and seclusion.\" Somehow, the Queen fails to realize that's Abusive Husband Speak for \"I locked her in her room because I'm the only one who gets to have frisky affairs around here!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later that afternoon, Albert tries to arrange a husband for Edelweiss because she's 16 going on Old Maid, by Victorian standards. Bertie promptly turns into the \u003ca href=\"https://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/talkingtech/2017/02/24/white-guy-blinking-meme-explained/98358288/\">white guy blinking meme\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109837\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-victoria-wtf.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"421\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109838\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/white-guy-blinking-meme.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"470\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Remember back at the beginning of the season, when the French overthrew their monarch and forced that rich lady to flee with her cute dog?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108332\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"433\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-1020x1105.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-160x173.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-800x866.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-768x832.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-960x1040.jpg 960w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-240x260.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-375x406.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria-520x563.jpg 520w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/heart-puppy-victoria.jpg 1060w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, things are still very chaotic over there. There's now been a coup, involving Napoleon Bonaparte's even shorter nephew, Louis Napoleon, declaring himself Emperor. Lord Pam is excited by this because, like Marie Kondo, he loves mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109839\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/i-love-mess-marie-kondo.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Over at Disney World, Disney Villain says a bunch of menacing things to an imprisoned Disney Princess. I don't know about y'all, but I'm already quite ready for New Footman to kick down the door and carry her off to California.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-103627\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/05/judge-judy-watch-impatient-annoyed-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"300\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While on a walk in the park, Lord Pam sneaks up on Xenadora with a proposition:\u003cem> Let's marry off Edelweiss to Louis Napoleon! She'd be Empress and outrank everyone, even Victoria!\u003c/em> Xenadora salivates all over the front of her dress at the thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109840\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/janeane-garafalo-romy-beer.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"257\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-1200x675.jpg\">Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em>\u003c/a> gets tired of no one doing anything to help Disney Princess, so she flat out asks Victoria: \u003cem>Hey, can I go over there and save the day again, like I did when I foiled Lord Pam's plan to shoot a bunch of Chartists in the street? \u003c/em>Victoria agrees because she wants me to have a reason to make this gif again, but with Disney Villain's face:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108773\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-and-pam-staredown.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If this season has taught us anything, there's nothing Lord Pam loves more than buddying up with foreign troublemakers the Queen doesn't approve of (shout out to the French rebels in the season premiere and that random Hungarian from Episode 3 who only ever gets around to shaving his chin and nothing else):\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108891\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-koss-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Well, add another name to that list of troublemakers because Lord Pam is at it again, this time sending congratulations to Louis Napoleon without approval from the Queen or his party. Now, the King of Prussia is pissed, which has made Albert pissed, which has made Victoria pissed, so yeah, this is bad. Prime Minister Pushover believes the scandal may cost Lord Pam his position as Foreign Secretary. But then what would we do for entertainment around here? Someone has to sprinkle drama on top of every episode.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-108528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"400\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama.jpg 400w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-160x160.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-240x240.jpg 240w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-375x375.jpg 375w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-32x32.jpg 32w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-50x50.jpg 50w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-64x64.jpg 64w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-96x96.jpg 96w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-128x128.jpg 128w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/lord-pam-drama-150x150.jpg 150w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Albert finds Xenadora and vents, \u003cem>OMG, can you believe Lord Pam cozied up to the Emperor of France? Only traitors would ever want anything to do with the French! Am I right or am I right?\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Xenadora, who's hiding a beret, a baguette and a French language Rosetta Stone CD-ROM behind her back, smiles and slowly backs away.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-33558\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2016/08/homer-simpson-bush-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"240\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After bribing a maid and finding out the truth behind Disney Princess' fake illness, Jo from \u003cem>The Facts of Life\u003c/em> tells Victoria what's really going on at Disney World. Victoria asks New Footman to fetch Disney Villain. Uh oh! Maybe we don't need Lord Pam to bring the drama after all! By the look on Jo's face, she knows it's about to go down:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the kitchen, New Footman yells about how he is going to snap Disney Villain's neck like a chicken's and then declares that he'll lay down his life if it means saving Disney Princess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because Jo didn't get a chance to stare down Disney Villain, Mean Butler will have to do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109873\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/jo-penge-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"245\" height=\"245\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Don't look so surprised! You think a footman isn't capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"A good looking young man could use a Duchess for his own advancement.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Jo:\u003c/strong> \"Not everyone thinks like you!\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \"You don't think I'm capable of real feeling?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109842\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/nene-laughing-no.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"269\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Disney Villain is called to the \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: line-through\">principal's\u003c/span> Queen's office to explain himself. He prattles on about how he had no choice but to lock Disney Princess up because she suffers from \"hysterical nymphomania.\" Victoria doesn't waste any time laying down some feminist truth: \"In my experience, men only call women mad when they're doing something inconvenient.\" She demands that he release Disney Princess at once and, before he has a chance to disagree, says \"You may leave us, \"which is polite British for \"Get the F out of my face before I have you exiled.\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That evening, Bertie runs into Victoria's bedroom and shakes her awake to announce that Albert is dead.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-98528\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/01/boy-that-escalated-quickly.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"355\" height=\"186\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria bolts out of bed and rushes to find that Albert is not dead, just napping. Bertie really needs to stay in tutoring, if he can't tell the difference between a sleeping person and a corpse. Then again, his 30-year-old mother just recently found out humans can't breathe underwater, so maybe I should cut him some slack.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The next morning, it's finally time for the Great Exhibition! We were promised the most impressive innovations from around the world. Instead, we got stylish taxidermied ferrets and musical frogs:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109846\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"216\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1020x458.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-160x72.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-800x360.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-768x345.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM-1200x539.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.00.16-PM.png 1900w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109847\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"258\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1020x548.png 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-160x86.png 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-800x430.png 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-768x412.png 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM-1200x644.png 1200w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-03-02-at-6.02.34-PM.png 1598w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 480px) 100vw, 480px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria, Albert and the kids take off for the Exhibition, some Homeland Security guy, who turns out to be Nine Fingers from earlier this season, pops up to say that someone in the crowd might try to attack them. Victoria thinks the possibility over for a millisecond before saying, \u003cem>Meh, I've been shot at a bunch of times and the assassins always mess up. See y'all there!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The Great Exhibition Hall is a huge hit and no one tries to kill the Queen. Yay! But someone still might end up dead because a newly freed Disney Princess is already tempting fate by hanging out with New Footman in plain view. He has made arrangements for the two of them to leave for America later that evening; all she has to do is meet him at the train station. Disney Princess really wants to, but worries about leaving her son behind, so New Footman tries to ease her concern: \u003cem>Your son is basically an adult. 10 is the new 20! He'll be fine!\u003c/em> Quite the flimsy argument, but let's just go along with it because I want to watch their \u003cem>90210\u003c/em> spin-off.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>New Footman spots Mean Butler spying on them and walks over to have it out. Their chat goes a little something like this:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>I quit!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Sorry that I misjudged you as a scammer who was looking for a come-up. I can see that you actually had good intentions the whole time. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LOL, no, you were totally right. I am a scammer looking for a come-up. I just happened to fall in love during this particular scam.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Mean Butler:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>This reminds me of a time a lady and I were...\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>New Footman:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Yeah, I don't care. Bye forever!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Meanwhile, Vicky Jr. is introduced to the much older Prussian prince Albert has decided she will marry once she gets her period. And Edelweiss meets another cute-enough Prussian Albert picked out (damn, Al, one hobby at a time!). Bertie's little heart is crushed that he will never get the chance to incest it up with his cousin.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109848\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/bertie-sad-omg.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"261\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Someone else who is not pleased by Edelweiss being paired up with a Prussian is Xenadora, whose French vanilla fantasy has now been cancelled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109849\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/paris-audrey-hepburn-cancelled.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"270\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Okay, earlier in this recap, I mentioned the possibility of objectifying more royal men via a poll. That time has come because why not? Let's vote on who's cuter out of Edelweiss' two potential husbands:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Louis Napoleon?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109868\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"386\" height=\"480\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III.jpg 386w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Napoleon-Bonaparte-III-160x199.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 386px) 100vw, 386px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Or this Prussian dude?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109866\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"517\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-1020x1319.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-160x207.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-800x1034.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-768x993.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein-928x1200.jpg 928w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Friedrich_VIII_von_Schleswig-Holstein.jpg 1584w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You decide!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe class=\"qp_iframe\" src=\"https://www.poll-maker.com/frame2269423x0Da48b3D-65\" seamless=\"seamless\" frameborder=\"no\" style=\"border:0; background:transparent; width:100%; height:197px;\" width=\"100%\" height=\"500\" scrolling=\"yes\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In a different part of the exhibition hall, Disney Villain corners Mean Butler and demands to know the name of his wife's lover. But Mean Butler is good all of a sudden and tosses the little bribery ball sack and its three measly coins on the ground. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> did dramatically transferring money better:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-107380\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/11/throw-money-face-fight-poldark.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"264\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Elsewhere, Bertie proposes to Edelweiss, who responds with, \"Don't you think I'm a little too old for you?\" Great point, but you missed this part: \"...and don't you think it's alarming how we share a grandparent?\"\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because she's also pretty much a child who doesn't have a firm grasp on what a secret is, Edelweiss blurts out that another reason she can't marry her 8-year-old first cousin is that her mother is already arranging her marriage to the French Emperor. Oh, boy, Bertie is totally going to run and tell his parents! This is about to get messy. To pull a mood from earlier in the episode:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109841\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/oh-shit-jo-from-the-facts-of-life-victoria.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"417\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In political news: After being censured by all the other old white dudes in power, Lord Pam decides to resign. On his way home, Xenadora runs up and is like, \u003cem>Hey, so about you hooking my daughter up with Louis Napoleon! Let's marry her off!\u003c/em> Lord Pam shuts it down with a quickness: \u003cem>I don't have a job anymore. Something else I don't have: an F to give about you or your daughter. Peace out! It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Down the hall, Victoria senses Disney Princess' plan to ditch her kid for a man and proceeds to guilt trip her for even considering leaving her child behind. Don't listen to her, Disney Princess! 10 is the new 20! Go to America and enjoy New Footman's \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/Screen-Shot-2019-02-09-at-1.58.01-AM-1200x711.png\">boat-censored parts \u003c/a>for the rest of your days!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>After the Exhibition, Edelweiss tries to make things up to Bertie by gifting him a piece of chocolate. He smacks it out of her hand and runs away. Maybe because it wasn't a Kit Kat, which I recently found out is the actor who plays Bertie's favorite sweet treat.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/qYofNetNKTU'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/qYofNetNKTU'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>Bertie runs into Albert and tells him all about his heartbreak and how Xenadora is trying to marry Edelweiss off to Louis Napoleon. The revenge sirens from \u003cem>Kill Bill\u003c/em> go off in Albert's ears.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/cOy6hqzfsAs'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109881\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"460\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena.jpg 914w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-160x123.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-800x613.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/kill-xena-768x588.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When Albert tells the Queen how sneaky Xenadora is, Victoria uses every muscle in her body to suppress an \"I TOLD YOU SO!!!\" jig.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109852\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/told-ya-so.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"302\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before Victoria can celebrate being right all along, Xenadora strolls in and shovels more of her BS.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Hey, fam! Congrats on the exhibition and being the smartest, coolest brother-in-law ever! And thanks so much for hooking my daughter up with that Prussian dude, whom I totally want her to marry, especially cause he's not a stinky French person! \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Albert:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>LIAR!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Xenadora:\u003c/strong> \u003cem>Fine, you caught me. I think Bertie is an idiot. I'm moving out. Bye!\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Victoria tries to have a heart-to-heart with Xenadora and tells her she doesn't have to go, but Xenadora isn't hearing any of it. In her mind, she should've been Queen and that's that on that! Cold and heartless 'til the bitter end.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109490\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/feodora.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"281\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across town, Disney Princess is packed and about to leave for the train station, when her son stops her to share a dream he had of her abandoning him. A little too on the nose, don't you think, \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> writers? Meanwhile, New Footman waits at the station with no Disney Princess in sight. I'm thinking he'll be waiting there for quite some time. Thanks a lot, Disney Heir!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Back at the palace, Albert and Victoria revel in how successful the exhibition was. You know what else is successful? The acting prowess of Albert's left hand. Look at it go!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109854\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/albert-hand.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"379\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To make up for a season of being at each other's throats, Albert and Victoria reminisce about when she proposed to him and how happy they are with each other. They share a passionate kiss... and then Albert loses consciousness and collapses to the ground. Victoria screams his name over and over and, despite having hundreds of servants, no one comes to help.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>End scene!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>PIECE OF COAL: That Cliffhanger. \u003c/strong>Sure, we can Google Albert's death date to find out if this is really serious or not, but it's still rude! As is making us wonder whether Disney Princess really stood New Footman up or not.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-106086\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2018/09/how-rude-stephanie-tanner-gif.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"320\" height=\"256\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>HONORABLE MENTION: Ernst. \u003c/strong>Not even one measly appearance this entire season?? But they found the time to trot out everyone's least favorite character, Uncle Leopold? What gives? Sure, Ernst was probably busy applying that poison powder to his diseased penis, but he needs to get it under control 'cause Season 4 needs him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>BRONZE: Bertie\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>His incest wish may not have come true, but he's still a winner, considering how much screen time he grabbed all season. The actor who plays him is going to be able to buy so many Kit Kats!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>SILVER: Edelweiss.\u003c/strong> Imagine having Xenadora as your mom. Or, worse than that, imagine your two suitors both being that butt ugly. But Louis Napoleon's genes aren't all bad; check out his hot son!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109870\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impe%CC%81rial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"300\" height=\"477\" srcset=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-1020x1622.jpg 1020w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-160x254.jpg 160w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-800x1272.jpg 800w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-768x1221.jpg 768w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica-755x1200.jpg 755w, https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/1024px-Prince_Impérial_1878_Londres_BNF_Gallica.jpg 1024w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 300px) 100vw, 300px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>GOLD: Lord Pam and Xenadora\u003c/strong>\u003cstrong>. \u003c/strong>Love them or love to hate them, these two newbies brought the drama this season. Without them, it would have just been 8 full hours of Victoria and Albert arguing. And lord knows we've seen enough of that for a lifetime.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg class=\"aligncenter wp-image-109872\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/wp-content/uploads/sites/12/2019/01/stop-fighting-please.gif\" alt=\"\" width=\"480\" height=\"362\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until \u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em> starts up again! If you miss my thoughts on \u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em> or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/xcusemybeauty\">@xcusemybeauty\u003c/a>, listen to my podcast \u003ca href=\"https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-cooler/id1041117499?mt=2\">\u003cem>The Cooler\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, or relive all my other \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/victoria/\">\u003cem>Victoria\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/poldark/\">\u003cem>Poldark\u003c/em>\u003c/a> / \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/downton-abbey/\">\u003cem>Downton Abbey\u003c/em>\u003c/a> \u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/tag/recaps/\">recaps\u003c/a>!\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>More recaps:\u003c/strong>\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108301/victoria-season-3-episode-7-recap-california-love\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108299/victoria-season-3-episode-6-recap-love-on-the-brain\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108293/victoria-season-3-episode-5-recap-on-the-road-again\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108291/victoria-season-3-episode-4-recap-ill-be-missing-you\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108289/victoria-season-3-episode-3-recap-la-isla-bonita\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108287/victoria-season-3-episode-2-recap-the-guns-of-brixton\">'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/108284/victoria-season-3-premiere-recap-god-save-the-queen\">'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97779/victoria-season-2-finale-recap-its-a-hard-knock-life\">'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97777/victoria-season-2-episode-6-recap-somewhere-over-the-rainbow\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97775/victoria-season-2-episode-5-recap-lost-and-found\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97773/victoria-season-2-episode-4-recap-people-are-people\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97771/victoria-season-2-episode-3-recap-daddy-issues\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97769/victoria-season-2-episode-2-recap-puppy-love\">'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/97767/victoria-season-2-premiere-recap-baby-its-cold-outside\">'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/pop/56546/victoria-season-1-finale-recap-bye-bye-baby-blues\">'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/19/victoria-season-1-episode-6-recap-cmon-ride-the-train/\">'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/12/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-5-recap-ill-make-love-to-you/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/02/05/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-4-recap-wedding-bell-blues/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/29/pbs-victoria-season-1-episode-3-recap-youre-so-vain/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/pop/2017/01/22/victoria-season-1-episode-2-recap-all-the-single-ladies/\">‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"info": "What kind of no sabo word is Hyphenación? For us, it’s about living within a hyphenation. Like being a third-gen Mexican-American from the Texas border now living that Bay Area Chicano life. Like Xorje! Each week we bring together a couple of hyphenated Latinos to talk all about personal life choices: family, careers, relationships, belonging … everything is on the table. ",
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"marketplace": {
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"info": "Our flagship program, helmed by Kai Ryssdal, examines what the day in money delivered, through stories, conversations, newsworthy numbers and more. Updated Monday through Friday at about 3:30 p.m. PT.",
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},
"mindshift": {
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"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
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"order": 12
},
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"google": "https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9mZWVkcy5tZWdhcGhvbmUuZm0vS1FJTkM1NzY0NjAwNDI5",
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"morning-edition": {
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"onourwatch": {
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"tagline": "Deeply-reported investigative journalism",
"info": "For decades, the process for how police police themselves has been inconsistent – if not opaque. In some states, like California, these proceedings were completely hidden. After a new police transparency law unsealed scores of internal affairs files, our reporters set out to examine these cases and the shadow world of police discipline. On Our Watch brings listeners into the rooms where officers are questioned and witnesses are interrogated to find out who this system is really protecting. Is it the officers, or the public they've sworn to serve?",
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"on-the-media": {
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"info": "Our weekly podcast explores how the media 'sausage' is made, casts an incisive eye on fluctuations in the marketplace of ideas, and examines threats to the freedom of information and expression in America and abroad. For one hour a week, the show tries to lift the veil from the process of \"making media,\" especially news media, because it's through that lens that we see the world and the world sees us",
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},
"pbs-newshour": {
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},
"perspectives": {
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"order": 14
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"info": "The economy explained. Imagine you could call up a friend and say, Meet me at the bar and tell me what's going on with the economy. Now imagine that's actually a fun evening.",
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"politicalbreakdown": {
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"title": "Political Breakdown",
"tagline": "Politics from a personal perspective",
"info": "Political Breakdown is a new series that explores the political intersection of California and the nation. Each week hosts Scott Shafer and Marisa Lagos are joined with a new special guest to unpack politics -- with personality — and offer an insider’s glimpse at how politics happens.",
"airtime": "THU 6:30pm-7pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Political-Breakdown-2024-Podcast-Tile-703x703-1.jpg",
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"order": 5
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"possible": {
"id": "possible",
"title": "Possible",
"info": "Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. The show features interviews with visionary guests like Trevor Noah, Sam Altman and Janette Sadik-Khan. Possible paints an optimistic portrait of the world we can create through science, policy, business, art and our shared humanity. It asks: What if everything goes right for once? How can we get there? Each episode also includes a short fiction story generated by advanced AI GPT-4, serving as a thought-provoking springboard to speculate how humanity could leverage technology for good.",
"airtime": "SUN 2pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Possible-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
"officialWebsiteLink": "https://www.possible.fm/",
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"source": "Possible"
},
"link": "/radio/program/possible",
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"spotify": "https://open.spotify.com/show/730YpdUSNlMyPQwNnyjp4k"
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},
"pri-the-world": {
"id": "pri-the-world",
"title": "PRI's The World: Latest Edition",
"info": "Each weekday, host Marco Werman and his team of producers bring you the world's most interesting stories in an hour of radio that reminds us just how small our planet really is.",
"airtime": "MON-FRI 2pm-3pm",
"imageSrc": "https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/The-World-Podcast-Tile-360x360-1.jpg",
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},
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},
"radiolab": {
"id": "radiolab",
"title": "Radiolab",
"info": "A two-time Peabody Award-winner, Radiolab is an investigation told through sounds and stories, and centered around one big idea. In the Radiolab world, information sounds like music and science and culture collide. Hosted by Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich, the show is designed for listeners who demand skepticism, but appreciate wonder. WNYC Studios is the producer of other leading podcasts including Freakonomics Radio, Death, Sex & Money, On the Media and many more.",
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