'Les Miserables' Episode 5 Recap: He's Just Not That Into You

Marius and Cosette have so much in common: mainly being dumb virgins. (PBS / BBC)

In the previous episode of Les Miserablesa teen Cosette was scandalized by her friends talking about wanting to have sex with their cousins:

A nun rocked our worlds by rocking the fly-est headware ever:

Javert tried to be a fashion influencer too and failed spectacularly:

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Olivia Colman and her rotten family reemerged:

Inspiring Jean Valjean to go from this:

To this:


Will Javert finally catch up with Jean Valjean? Will Cosette and Marius lose their V cards? Will Olivia Colman and her husband die in a very painful way while I watch, smiling and eating popcorn? Let's find out!

Surprise! Everyone in Paris is still miserable and poor! We, the viewers, are tired of it, and so are the characters themselves. Shouts of revolution rise up in the streets, as a man tacks up Wanted posters starring our guy, Jean Valjean.

As far as mugshots go, I think Jean looks great!

It could've been a lot worse, as Nick Nolte can attest:

Over at police headquarters, Javert is still barking about finding and punishing Jean Valjean. His officers are like, Cute vendetta or whatever, but shouldn't we focus on squelching this burgeoning revolution instead?

Javert doesn't care about the people rising up to overthrow the monarchy; he wants Jean Valjean in chains and he wants it now!!!

Meanwhile, Jean Valjean is across town minding his own business and thinking:

In a prison cell mosh pit from hell, Olivia Colman isn't having a very good day:

I think I speak for all of us when I say:

Meanwhile, Mr. Colman has already managed to escape.

Because nothing good can ever happen on this show, Mr. Colman and some of his remaining goons plan on a home invasion to get even with Jean Valjean. Cut to Jean Valjean announcing that he's going on a little getaway for a few days and leaving Cosette home alone!

That night, Cosette hears rustling outside her bedroom window. If this turns into a rape scene, I am no longer recapping this show. I mean it!

Thankfully, it's just Marius leaving some very bad poetry for Cosette.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Shall I put my tongue in thy mouth?

Because Cosette doesn't get out much, she is bowled over by his verse. The next day, she waits for him in the garden and, upon seeing him, says, "What's the matter? I can't feel..." and promptly faints.

Virgins are something else.

In the center of town, Olivia Colman's youngest son (we'll call him Lil Colman) does a little pick-pocketing and uses the money to buy some bread for two orphans.

Random, but nice!

Across town, Lil Colman's sister, Wall Finger (are there no other people in this town?!), watches Marius break into Cosette's property by slipping through a wonky party of the perimeter fence. "So that's how you do it!" she says to herself.

Two thoughts for her:

  1. YOU BETTER NOT TELL YOUR TRIFLING DAD!
  2. You really should read this book:

Speak of the devil, Mr. Colman and his Goon Squad show up.

Wall Finger tells them to scram. When they refuse, she screams loud enough to alert a neighborhood dog. Okay, I owe someone an apology. My bad!

On the other side of the wall, Cosette tells Marius that Jean has returned and plans on moving her to England, where hopefully people aren't so miserable. Cosette and Marius vow to find a way to stay together because hanging out for a collective 6 minutes in the 19th century was engagement territory back then.

Meanwhile, Wall Finger knocks on Jean's window and lets him know he should GTFO if he doesn't want to have to Hulk out on her dad and his friends again. I'm proud of Wall Finger for continuing to prove me wrong! Sure, part of her reason for warning Jean is keeping Cosette and Marius apart, but there are other British fish in the sea! Cosette will be fine! Get out while y'all still can! I can't take much more of this stress!

It's been a minute since we've seen Marius' grandfather. Let's check in to see how he's doing.

Aw, he got a makeover! Look at those threads!

He's smiling because Marius has returned! But his smile doesn't last long. When Marius asks for permission to marry Cosette (slow your roll; you don't even know her zodiac sign yet!), Grandpa suggests putting Cosette in a nice apartment and keeping her as a mistress f**k buddy (which reminds me that we never got to see karma catch up with Cosette's dad, Felix, grrrrr). Marius is outraged and storms out, leaving Grandpa to cry all over his cute new outfit.

The next day, Cosette writes Marius a love letter letting him know the address of the new apartment she and Jean are moving to for safety (sure, put that in writing and leave it outside for Javert or Mr. Colman to find; did those nuns not teach her anything?!). Wall Finger immediately intercepts Cosette's letter. Like Javert, this girl really needs to get a hobby.

In town, the revolution has begun. Soldiers are getting rocked and dragged (literally):

Marius' revolutionary friends set up a barricade next to a pub, cause if you're planning on being blown to bits, might as well enjoy yummy cocktails while you're at it.

Javert goes undercover with the revolutionaries, not to foil their plan, but to find Jean Valjean. Give it a rest!!!

Despite all the violence in the streets, Cosette tries to go out and find Marius because dumb virgins gonna dumb virgin. Thankfully, Jean Valjean stops her just in time, only to be rewarded with an "I HATE YOU!!!" Fantine's ghost is shaking her heard in heaven right now.

Over at Jean and Cosette's old apartment, Marius thinks Cosette is already in England and screams her name, while Wall Finger watches from behind a bush.

Wall Finger tries to make him feel better: So what if your girl bounced without saying goodbye; we can still have fun. Your friends are in a cul de sac waiting to die. Let's go hang with them before they're murdered in the streets as our first date!

Marius doesn't find this very romantic. "I've lost everything. My life is over." Wall Finger hears this and thinks, So I still have a chance!

For real. I'm sure there is a French translation of this book. Please go to the nearest library and get it!

Over at the barricade, Lil Colman sees Javert wearing an unconvincing I'm-poor-too hat and tells the head revolutionary that he is literally the head of police. They immediately seize him and Javert continues being a broken record: WHERE IS HE? YOUR LEADER?!? JEAN VALJEAN! HE STOLE A PIECE OF BREAD 30 YEARS AGO! AHHHHH!!!!

Sensing my overflowing annoyance with Javert, Lil Colman offers to shoot him with a huge grin on his face.

The grown-ups don't let him, but it's the thought that counts.

Moments later, the army attacks the barricade and things aren't looking so good, until Marius arrives and threatens to blow himself and everyone else up unless the army retreats. They don't take him seriously until he makes these hilarious, crazy faces.

As the army retreats, the revolutionaries are too busy cheering to notice the dying officer with his gun pointed right at Marius! He shoots! Marius is confused because he doesn't have a wound. That's when a voice comes from below. Yo! Down here, bleeding to death! It's me, Wall Finger! She took the bullet for him!

Wall Finger gives Marius Cosette's letter, asks for a kiss on the forehead, says "I really did love you" and then dies, unloved. A complicated hero. I stan.

Marius kisses her on the forehead and, one second later,  thinks, Anyway! Cosette! Yayyyy! He asks Lil Colman to take a letter to her that reads: Sup? Glad you're still in town. I'm probably about to die just cause, but if I survive, we should go on a real date or something!

Before Cosette can read it, the message is intercepted by Jean (don't these people know opening someone else's mail is a crime?!). Jean is mad that his sweet, dumb virgin daughter likes a boy, so he sets off for the barricade to beat him up or kill him, I guess. The only problem is that's where Javert is! Oh, and that whole army about to bomb the barricade off the map any minute thing.

End scene!

Until next time! If you miss my thoughts on Les Miserables or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Game of Thrones)!

Previous Recaps:

'Les Miserables' Episode 4 Recap: Like A Virgin

'Les Miserables' Episode 3 Recap: I Will Follow Him

'Les Miserables' Episode 2 Recap: Voulez-Vous Coucher Avec Moi?

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'Les Miserables' Episode 1 Recap: Un-Break My Heart

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