...before she confirmed it wasn't actually her. But we can still pretend.
Everyone is tanked, but Tormund most of all. The ratio between wine consumed and wine spilled is about one to one.
At a nearby table, Jamie, Tyrion and Brienne play a drinking game that involves guessing facts about each other. It doesn't take long for this to get extremely awkward.
Tyrion [to Brienne]: "You’re a virgin!!!"
Brienne: "...I have to piss."
You know what this uncomfortable exchange needs? A sh*t-faced Tormund, that's what!
Sh*t-Faced Tormund: "We did it! We faced those icy f*cks, looked right into their blue eyes, and here we are! Now which of you cowards shit in my pants?"
No one laughs because they're all lame.
When Brienne leaves (to piss, I'm guessing), Tormund thinks, This is my chance! Jamie stops him with a Not so fast, buddy! Ooo, this love triangle is heating up again! (Which means I get to force you to look at my Photoshop masterpiece once more!)
Cut to Tormund drunk-sobbing about losing the battle for Brienne's heart.
Anyone else think this scene has a similar emotional pull as the final scene in Call Me By Your Name? No? Okay, cool.
But don't cry for Tormund, Argentina. He ends up snapping out of it within a handful of seconds and hooking up with some townie. Good for him.
Outside, Gendry finds Arya and begins to worship her, as he should:
Gendry: I'm in love you! You're the GOAT! I want you to be my lady 'cause I'm a lord now! Will you marry me?!?
Sorry. Arya's already married to revenge and murder.
Back inside, Brienne is about to turn in for the night and watch a Great British Baking Show marathon, when a drunk Jamie shows up. He starts complaining about how hot it is and starts taking off his clothes. Very smooth.
Then he pointedly asks if Brienne likes Tormund. Brienne is out here inspiring grown men to cry into fireplaces and get wildly jealous over her. This is why we are all members of the Brienne of Tarth fan club. (If you're not, please see yourself out.)
Jamie continues complaining about how hot it is and fumbles with undoing the knots of his shirt. Then, he tries taking off Brienne's top!
She stops him.
And then does it herself!
Way to take back your agency, Brienne!
Jamie says, "I've never slept with a knight before." Well, you better buckle up then!
In another bedroom, Dany finds Jon and asks if he's drunk. He says no, but this stumble says otherwise.
They try to answer a question that's been on both of their minds. No, not which one of them should sit on the Iron Throne. The question of: Can they boink without gagging, now that they know they're aunt and nephew? Only one way to find out!
After a valiant tongue wrestling effort, they find that incest is not an aphrodisiac after all.
Feeling rejected, Dany's insecurities get the best of her and she demands that Jon never tell anyone who he really is... or else. Jon tries to calm her down with some kumbaya talk, but it doesn't work... at all.
Jon: "You are my queen. Nothing will change that. And they are my family. We can live together."
Dany: "We can. I’ve just told you how."
Essentially, my way or
the highway I'll have Drogon toast all of y'all.
The next day, Arya corners Jon and invites him to a Starks-only meeting.
The theme: We hate your girlfriend.
Arya and Sansa take turns telling him the progeny of Ned Stark rule and everyone else drools, especially Dany. Before Jon can even get comfortable in the agony of whether to tell them the truth or not, Bran blurts out, "It's your choice." (And that's been this episode's Bran-freaks-everyone-out moment!)
Jon makes them pinky promise that they won't tell anyone and then proceeds to tell them everything, but the camera cuts away before we can witness any So-wait-you-shtooped-your-aunt?!?! reaction shots!
The following day, Clegane and Arya run into each other on the road. They're both heading back to King's Landing to settle some unfinished business (my theory: Clegane will have a final battle with his brother, the Mountain, and Arya is gonna slip one of her masks on and try to kill Cersei). They both agree they don't plan on ever coming back to Winterfell. (Another theory, which I hope isn't true: they're both going to die in the next two episodes.)
Arya and Clegane aren't the only ones leaving town; almost everyone is heading south to tell Cersei that she's mean. Tormund bids Jon adieu and takes Ghost with him. (Jon, be a better dire wolf parent! You can't just keep abandoning him like this!) Jon also says goodbye to Sam, who's still alive somehow and also managed to get his girlfriend pregnant again. Check out his Yup-I-did-the-sex-again face:
Before Tyrion rides off, he tries to find out why Sansa is acting super weird and staring off into the distance. Internally, Sansa thinks to herself: Don't say it don't say it don't say it. Externally, Sansa says: So here are my top 10 reasons why I hate Dany, who's Jon's aunt by the way.
As the fleet makes its way south, Dany and Drogon fly beside Rhaegal, who is healing after the battle and learning how to fly again.
Out of nowhere, an arrow punctures Rhaegal's chest! And wing! And throat! And Rhaegal gurgles all the way down to a watery death!
WHAT DID I SAY, GOT WRITERS?!?!?!?!?!
I am beside myself. I...can't.
The arrow came from stupid Euron Greyjoy! And he's not done being a dick. He obliterates Dany's entire fleet too.
Oh, y'all thought this was just a sleepy hangover episode?
Hold on. Faxing Arya so she can put Euron's name on her kill list.
Back in King's Landing, Euron tells Cersei about murdering Rhaegal. Her sociopathic response: "That must've been glorious."
Me to no one:
To make matters worse, Euron managed to capture Missendei and now she's Cersei's prisoner. This is not going to end well.
Meanwhile, Dany vows to obliterate King's Landing, civilians and all. After failing to talk her down, Lord Varys tells Tyrion that Cersei is feeling herself too much and showing the signs of a tyrant. He suggests they put their support behind Jon because he's a man and he's likable and he's someone you could have a beer with. Hmm, this all sounds oddly familiar...
Back in Winterfell, Jamie's complicated feelings for Cersei drive him out of Brienne's bed and on the road back to King's Landing. Brienne catches him and begs him to stay.
Brienne: "You don’t need to die with her. Stay here. Stay with me. Please. Stay."
Jamie: "She’s hateful and so am I."
He flips her the deuces and trots off, leaving Brienne to rain tears and snot everywhere. She's mourning their cute romance, but also the good side of him.
At the castle walls of King's Landing, Dany and co. have a stand-off with Cersie and co. Tyrion and Cersei's creepy assistant try bargaining.
Tyrion: Surrender or else general bad things will happen.
Cersei's Creepy Assistant: Surrender or else general bad things will happen AND Cersei will throw Dany's BFF, Missandei, to her death right now.
Tyrion tries his Plan B.
Tyrion: Hey, Cersei! Let's skip the whole battle thing. You want your unborn child to live, right?
Cersei: I couldn't give a sh*t.
The Mountain chops off Missendei's head and both her head and body plummet off the castle wall right in front of Dany and Grey Worm. This means war.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Game Of Thrones or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Les Miserables)!
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