In the previous episode of Game of Thrones, the Brienne-Jamie-Tormund love triangle heated up in a major way.
But that trio's got nothing on the steaminess that went on between Arya and Gendry.
Dany made this "per my last email" face, which could also be read as an "If you weren't my boyfriend's sister, I would turn you into a Lunchable for my dragons" face.
Speaking of said boyfriend, he finally told Dany that they're related, inspiring an official change to their Facebook relationship status.
Meanwhile, outside of Winterfell, the Night King prepared to annihilate all of our faves by jamming to some Drake.
Who will survive the Battle of Winterfell, which took 55 days to film, cost $15 million to produce and is the longest battle sequence in film and television history? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
Everyone stands at attention, waiting for things to go down. Winterfell has the same Welp-here-goes-nothing! energy as the moment Thelma and Louise clasp hands and drive off a cliff.
Out of the darkness, a figure approaches. Is it the Night King walking up to say, Hey, y'all. Let's not, actually. Sorry about all the terrorism.
Nope! It's Melisandre, the fire witch!
I still have not forgiven her for toasting little Scarface Shireen!
And neither has Sir Davos, who mean-mugs her so intensely, Melisandre says, "There’s no need to execute me, Sir Davos. I’ll be dead before the dawn." Works for me!
The Battle of Winterfell begins and, from what I can see (which is not much *smashes brightness button on laptop*), things don't start off promisingly. Jorah and the Dothraki head out and everyone watches in horror as their flames are snuffed out as easily as middle schoolers squishing lightning bugs. Horses run back to Winterfell, all the way spooked. Jorah follows with a look that says, Yeah, we're f*cked. Everyone poops in their pants just a little bit.
A tsunami of zombies overwhelms our faves. Brienne screams for everyone to stand their ground, but soon she's just screaming in general. A group of zombies try to eat her face off, but Jamie swoops in with an assist. 15 minutes in and my eye is already twitching from the stress.
Up in the sky, Dany and Jon ride Drogon and Rhaegal and try to help, but there's a snow storm. The Al Roker of Westeros delivers this sobering forecast for the evening: 100% chance of blood-covered snow, 0% visibility, 1% chance of survival.
On the wall, Arya and Sansa share a cute sister moment.
Arya: You used to annoy the crap out of me, but you're pretty cool this season, so take this dagger and head down to the crypt.
Sansa: "I don’t know how to use it."
Arya: "Stick them with the pointy end."
First of all, LOL.
Second of all, that's what Jon told Arya in their first combat lesson.
Oof, here come the tears.
But there's no time for emotions right now! Sam is about to get his eye poked out! Thankfully, that Night Watch dude none of us know by name (it's apparently Eddison Tollett) saves him. His reward: a spear through the back of his skull. Pour one out for What's His Face, everyone!
Instead of avenging his savior and friend, Sam runs.
Am I the only one screaming "WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! OH, NO!!! OMG!" to myself? Didn't think so.
One of my "WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! OH, NO!!! OMG!" outbursts comes when Dany and Jon collide on their dragons because of the low visibility! I've said it in every other recap and I'll say it again. Dear Game of Thrones writers,
Meanwhile, on the ground, things aren't going much better. Everyone decides to fall back. While Clegane is attempting to run back to safety, a zombie tries to take him out, but Arya's fiery arrow is too quick. I love the twisted relationship these two have built.
The new game plan: light the trenches to keep the dead at bay. The only problem is that the dragons are busy Crash Test Dummy-ing it up in the sky and fiery arrows are being extinguished by the snow and wind! Enter Melisandre, who takes her sweet ass time walking up to the trenches. C'mon, girl, put some pep in your step!
Melisandre says, "Dale a tu cuerpo alegría Macarena" over and over again, but nothing is happening! The zombies are just about to snack on her head when—KAPOW!—the trenches explode with fire. Phew! Thanks for saving literally everyone, Melisandre, but I still have my eye on you.
Down in the crypt, Tyrion pretends to want to be up there getting his butt kicked instead of hanging with ladies and babies, drinking his weight in wine.
Tyrion: "If I was out there right now..."
Sansa: "You’d die."
Another sick comeback! Arya kills with weapons. Sansa kills with words. Be safe, you wise-cracking legend.
Outside by the creepy crying tree, Theon is all set to protect Bran.
Theon: Hey, sorry about taking over Winterfell that one time and generally being a prick.
Bran: No worries! BRB!
Theon: Wait, what? This is not a great time for a nap!
Bran's eyes go white and his consciousness goes on a little field trip as a conspiracy of ravens. He immediately finds the Night King, who extends his bad manicure toward the army of the dead, instructing them to throw their bodies on the burning trenches until a bridge can form. (What a cozy show this is.)
It doesn't take long for the zombies to breach the fire and start scaling Winterfell's walls. Why didn't the home team embed dragon glass shards into all the exterior walls? That would've saved us all a lot of grief, just saying.
In a corner, Clegane stands frozen. Not a great moment to succumb to PTSD, my dude. Look alive (or else you literally won't be). Nearby, Sam cries, until someone saves him again.
In the courtyard, we get a lingering shot of Lil Lyanna Mormont. I have a bad feeling about this....
Sure enough, a huge dead giant bursts through the gate and smacks her out of the way.
Elsewhere, Arya crowd-surfs down a stairwell full of dead folk. What a rock star. But let's not celebrate too soon; she gets her head smacked against a stone wall.
Meanwhile, Clegane is still PTSD-ing the battle away in a corner.
Eye Patch Dude: "Clegane, we need you!"
Clegane: "F*ck off! We can’t beat them. Can’t you see that, you stupid whore?"
Then, Eye Patch Dude points to Arya, who's in the middle of falling off the roof, and says, "Tell her that." Clegane snaps out of it because Arya is the GOAT of GoT and we can't have her dying halfway through this episode (...or ever).
Lil Lyanna survived the giant's smack! I think she speaks for all of us when she says:
Lil Lyanna runs up on the giant, who doesn't waste time snatching her up and crushing her skeleton, but not before she stabs him right in his blue contact lens!
What a legend. All flags better be at half mast tomorrow.
In the sky, Viserion tries to ice blast his mom. Maybe he's mad about this whole new stepdad thing?
Back inside Winterfell, Arya is trying to avoid hella zombies in the library from hell. She can't really see because of her concussion. It's a good thing she was blind that one season, huh? Arya throws a book as a diversion and tries to hustle out of there, only to run into a dead woman who is quickly made even more dead.
If anyone survives this battle, there's going to be a whole lot of laundry and cleaning up to do. Getting it all done might take as long as it took Dany to let her dragons out of that dark dungeon a couple of years ago. (Yes, I still have a lot of feelings about that.)
Unfortunately, Arya is still not in the clear. Zombies are all over her when Eye Patch Dude saves the day. Clegane snatches Arya up like an In-N-Out to-go order and hauls her out of there.
They make it to a safe room, where Eye Patch Dude dies from his gazillion stab wounds.
Melisandre is randomly in the shadows and asks Arya, "What do we say to the god of Death?"
Arya quickly responds with: "Not today!"
Outside, the Night King swoops down and makes Viserion ice blast Winterfell. Um, excuse me, we just dealt with our emotions about the Notre Dame. Can we please keep these historic structures sound?!
Jon clearly feels the same way because he shows up and things quickly turn into Dragon Mortal Kombat. There's scratching! There's pyromania! There's neck biting! Dany shows up and flings the Night King right off Viserion.
Jon crash lands and, from the looks of it, Rhaegal is either really hurt or dead. WHAT DID I SAY, GAME OF THRONES WRITERS?!?!?
Dany flies down and finds the Ice King just standing there like a weirdo. She lights his ass up! Party time!
Oh, hold up. He's still alive!
Jon tries to sneak up on him, but the Night King uses his bad manicure again to revive all the humans who've died tonight. And not just the ones outside the gates either. Little Lyanna wakes up with blue contacts! So does What's His Butt from the Night Watch! And presumably Eye Patch Dude too! In this moment, the message to Jon is clear:
Meanwhile, Sam's girlfriend is chilling in the crypt when a skeletal hand shoots out of one of the tombs! Good thing Sansa has that dagger, right? 😫😫😫😫😫😫 Everyone runs around as the dead gobble up women and children. THIS SHOW, MY GOD!
Outside by the tree, Theon is lighting hoes up. Bran is still out of office.
Just when it looks like Jon is about to meet his end on the battlefield, Dany rolls up.
Ack! A f*ckton of zombies jump all over Drogon and stab him all over his body! What an unforced error on Dany's part! I am livid!!!! This is what happens when you get the hots for your nephew! Drogon flies away without Dany and desperately tries shaking the zombies off. I can't watch!
Now it's Dany's turn to almost die. Jorah saves her in the nick of time. She's still not gonna sleep with you, but thanks for looking out.
Back inside Winterfell, Sam needs saving again. I’m sorry to say this, but we should just let him die at this point, right? He doesn’t have the range.
Down in the crypt, the words of Antoine Dodson's viral clip echo against the wall: "Hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife." Sansa and Tyrion are doing just that behind a tomb. Piano keys tinkle as Tyrion kisses Sansa’s hand, perhaps for the last time, as they take out their daggers. Sansa is like, Welp, let’s go re-kill some of my ancestors and see what happens. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Outside, Theon is still doing his best to guard Bran, who is still catching some zzz's or whatever. Look alive, girl!
Time to check in with Sam again. Oh, he's STILL just sitting around and crying. How is he still alive??????? I think he should either try to help in some way or just let Lil Lyanna munch his face off.
In It's-about-time! news: Bran finally signs back onto AOL Instant Messenger.
As the Night King and his homies approach, Bran looks at Theon and says, "You're a good man. Thank you." Weak toast! This guy just slaughtered hundreds of zombies over many hours for you and that's all you got? For Theon, it seems to be enough though. He lets a tear fall before charging at the Night King and quickly getting murdered.
In the courtyard, Viserion (or is it a dead Rhaegal or Drogon, who can tell?!) lets all those stepdaddy issues out by relentlessly blasting Jon with ice fire. Meanwhile, outside the gates, Jorah is getting shish-kebab-ed left and right, while Dany stands there thinking, Wow, this is really bad.
Back at the tree, Bran gives the Night King a dose of what he does best: creepily holding eye contact for way too long. The Night King is thorougly weirded out and decides to put an end to this staring contest. He reaches for his weapon and then ARYA MOTHER F*CKING STARK LEAPS OUT OF NOWHERE. THE NIGHT KING CHOKES HER AND SHE LETS HER DAGGER FALL, ONLY TO STAB HIM FROM BELOW LIKE SHE PRACTICED WITH BRIENNE THAT ONE TIME. THE NIGHT KING BURSTS INTO A MILLION ICE PARTICLES, AS DO ALL OF HIS FRIENDS! AND YES, THE REST OF THIS RECAP WILL BE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE YAAAAAAS!!!!!
WHO RUN THE WORLD? GIRLS, BUT SPECIFICALLY ARYA.
I CREATED A LITTLE VIDEO OF WHAT THE REACTION AROUND THE WORLD WAS TO ARYA SLAYING THE NIGHT KING:
OH, BTW, JORAH TOTALLY DIED. LATER, BRO! YOU SEEMED CHILL. AS DANY CRIES OVER HIS BODY, A DRAGON (THE LAST LIVING?) CUDDLES HER.
AS THE SUN COMES UP, MELISANDRE'S PROPHECY COMES TRUE AS SHE TAKES OFF HER YOUTH CRYSTAL, WALKS TOWARD THE HORIZON, TURNS INTO THAT OLD LADY FROM TITANIC AND DIES. THANKS FOR NOT BEING TOTALLY AWFUL IN THE END.
Okay, I can't end this recap without paying homage to our fallen heroes. Click play on the abused puppy Sarah McLachlan song below and scroll down through the faces we will never see again (*chokes back sob*):
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Game Of Thrones or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler or read my other recaps (Poldark, Victoria, Downton Abbey and Les Miserables)!