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Sure, Beyoncé Will Help: 20 Other Suggestions For Making a Coldplay Halftime Show Less Miserable

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Beyonce at the 2013 Super Bowl Halftime Show. (via NPR)

Yesterday, word swept 'round the web that Beyoncé, who arguably treats every performance like the Super Bowl Halftime Show, would be joining previously announced headliner/complete and total snoozefest Coldplay onstage at Levi's Stadium next month during Super Bowl 50.

Now, I'm loathe to complain about Beyoncé being added to pretty much anything, but this is a weird choice. It's like booking an Eagles cover band on Quaaludes as your headliner and then casually adding in a brief cameo by Michael Jackson. Beyoncé performed her own Super Bowl Halftime Show just three years ago -- remember? It was so epic the electricity went out.

She doesn't need this.

No, Beyoncé's being brought in here because a) there's a song on the new Coldplay record in which she performs guest vocals and b) the powers that be are banking on the rule of coolness by proximity, which is the entire reason there's a Coldplay track with Beyonce guest vocals in the first place. This is a naked ratings grab, and also an implicit admission of fear and vulnerability. Please don't think we're lame, whispers an organization whose paramount event involves, this year, a $700 "Meatball Madness" tailgate party hosted by Guy Fieri.


Problem is, when you're dealing two artists who have such vastly disparate quantities of skill, star power, dance moves, etc. -- and, to be fair, Beyoncé's entire genre also lends itself much more naturally to the bravado of a stadium show than Coldplay's anemic love songs and flan-like delivery -- you run the risk of the juxtaposition backfiring: of Coldplay appearing even more boring than they actually are.

It's not that Coldplay doesn't need help -- because they do -- but the enormity of this particular assistance is a little embarrassing for everyone involved. With that in mind, here are some other suggestions for additions to the Halftime Show that would help the Super Bowl appear relevant and in-the-know -- and most importantly, help make a Coldplay set a little less boring.

  1. Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, and Carrie's dog Gary, all of 'em giving zero f*cks
  2. Steve Harvey, Miss Colombia and Miss Phillippines performing rhythmic gymnastics at center stage
  3. A drunk hologram Lemmy Kilmister
  4. Shrimp Boy (displays local awareness!)
  5. On that note: The entire Curry family, duh
  6. The jury from the Netflix series Making a Murderer
  7. The Oregon militia seizing the arena with unclear demands
  8. A Bernie Sanders stump speech
  9. Ice-T reciting monologues from Law & Order: SVU
  10. A live fight to the death between Guy Fieri and the singer from Smash Mouth
  11. Miley Cyrus, naked, just standing there screaming "REACT!"
  12. The selfie monkey
  13. Left SharkAP83692314721_zpdkk1l6_2hez1pu3
  14. Pharma bro Martin Shkreli in a hoodie, making a glum face while recreating his perp walk in a circle for an hour
  15. Gwyneth Paltrow sitting in a chair in a corner and reading her and Chris Martin's divorce papers aloud, word for word
  16. A long close-up of Jay-Z's face while he's forced to sit and listen to Gwyneth Paltrow talking about anything
  17. Testimony from survivors of horrific domestic violence inflicted by NFL players and then a long, detailed explanation of exactly how little those athletes were punished and why
  18. Just bring in the damn Puppy Bowl and make it an actual part of the Super Bowl already tumblr_mhg7f9UtVD1qdkv8qo1_500
  19. Sia revealing her face
  20. Sia performing instead of Coldplay

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