'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

Victoria waves to all her Irish haters. (Masterpiece / PBS)

In the previous episode of Victoria, the writers obliterated our hearts by killing off Babyface Maid. That watching experience looked a little something like this:

Will this week's episode involve Babyface Maid suddenly bolting out of bed and shouting, "PSYCH!"? Or maybe Hot Italian Chef will wake up and realize that all of episode four was just a really bad dream? Let's find out!

Turns out the nightmare is unfortunately very real (see above sobbing wino gif). Things take another dark turn when Victoria and two of her bazillion kids are out for a carriage ride. An old lady cradling a baby reveals herself to actually be a pissed off Irish dude cradling a gun!

The guy on the left is like, Good luck, Victoria! I'm out of here!

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Meanwhile, the guy in the middle is like, Can someone pass me some popcorn?

Thankfully, the wannabe assassin is stopped and apprehended. Now that we know everyone is safe, allow me to share my ranking of all the wannabe assassins we've met over the past three seasons.

Last place goes to Season 2 Wannabe Assassin. Remember him? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Second place goes to Season 1 Wannabe Assassin, who has probably already been reincarnated and won a season of Project Runway. Just look at how he draped the fabric on his regicide-themed dress form!

And first place goes to this brand new assassin because he got gussied up in elder drag, which shows a high level of charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. I look forward to seeing him compete on Season 12 of RuPaul's Drag Race.

Now that that's cleared up, let's continue with the story...

Back at the palace, Victoria is so shaken up from the attempt on her life that she accidentally calls her new maid by Babyface Maid's name. Be right back, gotta go concern my neighbors with some more loud sobbing.

Okay, I'm back. The new maid happens to be our old friend, Jo from The Facts of Life, who seems to have gotten over being duped by her traitorous crush Nine Fingers. When Victoria tells her that the Season 3 Wannabe Assassin was Irish, Jo blurts out Well, duh! in the Queen's face.

Victoria is confused: Surely, the Irish aren't still mad at me over the potato famine! That was so last season! So Jo serves the Queen some real talk: Um, yeah, you could say the Irish are still upset about ONE MILLION of their compatriots dying unnecessarily. Oh, and P.S. they want to Irish goodbye right out of your kingdom.

The next day, Albert introduces the family to a dude he met at Cambridge who is going to help Bertie stop being so dumb. Vicky Jr. wants to know why she doesn't get a tutor too. Instead of explaining that a major tenet of the patriarchy is to keep women subjugated by depriving them of access to education, Albert opts for a simpler answer: "You have your aunt Xenadora." Ah, what a comfort that is.

Because the writers want to distract us from the fact that they BRUTALLY KILLED OFF BABYFACE MAID FOR NO REASON, we're off on another road trip (I'll be more amenable to forgiveness if there's more skinny dipping, just saying).

This time, the gang is heading to Ireland so that the Queen can show her face and be like, Hey, y'all. Sorry about the potato thing! Now, will you stop trying to kill me? Also, does Bono live around here?

When they arrive, they don't run into any members of U2 but do meet up with Lord Pam's wife. Here's the 411 on her (according to her Wikipedia page):

  • Her brother was none other than Lord M.
  • Her first husband was kind of a dud, so she cheated on him A LOT.
  • Her favorite side-piece was Lord Pam.
  • Once Hubby #1 kicked the bucket, she got hitched to Lord Pam at the ripe age of 52 (Stella got her groove back!).
  • Her five children were allegedly fathered by Hubby #1, but rumor has it that one was Lord Pam's and another belonged to a Corsican dude with a thing for Russia.
  • Oh, yeah, and she was a beekeeper!

What an outfit!

At Lord Pam's mansion, everyone sits for a meal and Disney Villain shares his thoughts on how women are all idiots, especially Disney Princess. New Footman briefly considers murdering Disney Villain with a tiny pair of scissors.

Lord Pam calls Disney Villain a boar, so he does this.

Everyone wishes they had tiny scissors on hand.

Later, Albert finds out what we already know thanks to Wikipedia: one of Lady Pam's daughters from her previous marriage looks an awful lot like Lord Pam. Because Albert isn't wearing any pearls to clutch, he settles for verbally expressing his shock: "Dear God, we are among barbarians!" Um, Al? You married your first cousin. You can get off your high horse now.

In a dark hallway, New Footman seductively whispers to Disney Princess: "Listen close, your grace. You can hear those waves." The skinny dip probability meter just went way up!

In the royal bedroom, Victoria and Albert are fighting again. You know who can't get into stupid fights with their spouse anymore? Babyface Maid! Because she's dead! Life is short! Get over the petty BS! Quit being brats! Ugh!

Despite my impassioned overuse of exclamation points, they continue bickering. Albert tells Victoria that both he and Xenadora think that she's been making terrible choices since giving birth to Baby #6. This does not go over well.

Victoria: "I don't shed a part of my brain every time I have a baby! Dear God, Albert, what has she been saying to you? I was speaking tonight and you rolled your eyes!"

Albert: "You were not meant to see that."

Oof, this is painful.

Time to check in on what weird stuff Xenadora is up to back in London. Oh, nothing major, just pressuring the kids to drink alcohol with their breakfast.

Back in Ireland, Lady Pam blows Victoria's mind by detailing how she and Lord Pam are in an open relationship and that, when the beehive is a-rockin', they agree not to come a-knockin'. Victoria thinks to herself, Well, if Albert keeps up this bratty thing, maybe Baby #7 can be fathered by someone else (perhaps even someone I'm not related to!).

At the beach, Disney Princess is on a stroll, thinking about where she can get a pair of tiny scissors when she runs into a naked post-skinny-dip New Footman! Bingo! The "Field Trip = Nudity" formula never fails on this show!

Is that a boat on its side or are you just happy to see me?

The correct answer is both.

New Footman eventually gets dressed, but from the thirsty look on Disney Princess' face, she's already undressing him again with her eyes.

They get to talking about how both of them find themselves without power, he with an abusive boss and she with an abusive husband. Not one to waste any time 'cause people are known to CONTRACT CHOLERA AND SUDDENLY DIE AROUND HERE (still bitter about it, can you tell?), Disney Princess says, "I should like you to kiss me." New Footman proves that he has game by saying, "I offer you love, Disney Princess. Nothing less." Then they make out at long last, and New Footman's nose gets very squished!

Back at the mansion, Victoria wakes up from a nap and pukes. Hope y'all enjoyed the one or two episodes this season without a pregnancy because Baby #7 is already on the way.

Downstairs, Lord Pam tells Disney Princess that he knows she has "an itch" and that she shouldn't let a poor person scratch it. Too late!

The next day, the gang continues onto Dublin where Victoria has to befriend a Catholic cardinal. Their interaction goes a little something like this:

Victoria: Hey, my bad about the famine and not dropping by sooner. We cool?

Cardinal: I guess so, yeah. Hey, look, I got you a bird. 

Victoria: That's nice, but I don't want it. *opens cage and lets bird fly away* Bye, bird!

War between Catholics and Protestants: postponed!

Fast forward and the gang arrives back in London to discover that Bertie learned French while they were away.

Victoria also discovers that he has something that looks like a rash on his wrist. OMG, is Xenadora not only getting the children drunk, but abusing them too? Say it ain't so! I prefer her to stay creepy and sneaky, yet harmless.

Over at Disneyworld, Disney Princess finds some leftover sand in her traveling hat. She sensually uses it to exfoliate her lips because everyone on this show is a little bit of a weirdo.

Unbeknownst to her, Disney Villain sees the whole thing and marches over to some playboy club to threaten Lord Pam over bedding his wife. Despite me chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" at my screen, all that happens is Disney Villain drops a glass on the ground. Step it up, Victoria writers! The boys on Poldark put each other's heads into roaring fireplaces, attempt to thumb each other's eyes out and throw coins in each other's faces!

Back at the palace, Jo informs Victoria that she should be concerned about Bertie. Cut to Victoria catching Cambridge Tutor Dude as he's abusing Bertie! We don't get to see what his punishment is, but I'm gonna guess that tiny scissors are involved.

Later, Albert is beside himself over the abuse, but manages to focus on a silver lining: "Thank God we have no more children for me to damage."

Victoria doesn't waste any time bursting that bubble with news of Baby #7. Albert looks like he isn't sure if he's going to cry or puke or both.

Same, bro. Same.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Cambridge Tutor Dude. I'm not a huge fan of kids either, which is why my job doesn't involve spending all my time with them. This guy needs to get some therapy and then get another job... if he isn't already in a shallow grave with a tiny pair of royal songs scissors in his chest.

HONORABLE MENTION: Albert. He hates how fertile he and Victoria are almost as much as I do, and for that, he deserves a little something.

ANOTHER HONORABLE MENTION: Bertie. He survived child abuse and now has a pretty great excuse to get out of learning anything ever again. Back to using the abacus as a percussion instrument!

BRONZE: Lady Pam. A master class in having your cake and eating it too. Baby daddies: collect them all!

SILVER: Whoever Decided to Put a Huge Boat in Front of New Footman's Twig and Berries. Who needs a censor bar when you've got aquatic vessels?

GOLD: Hot Italian ChefYeah, I know he wasn't in this episode, but I don't care. He deserves all the nice things and I hope he's hanging in there.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love

'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside

'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies

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‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down

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