As the mob continues to ram the palace gates, Victoria is yowling up a storm, partly because how dare they and partly because a human being is trying to bust out of her body.
Xenadora shuffles into the delivery room and snaps, "Shhh! Screaming won't make it come any faster!"
In the hallway, Bertie is really worried his mother will die during childbirth. Victoria Jr. tells him not to worry about it 'cause, if she does, he will be king due to "primogeniture." Um, thanks for the fun fact?
Two things we now know about Vicky Jr.:
A. She's destined to ace her SAT verbal section.
B. She's kind of a sociopath.
Someone else who's not concerned for Victoria's well-being: the deposed French king, Louis Philippe, who is downstairs boozing, gambling and joking about sex swings. I'm not up on my Emily Post, but I'm pretty sure that is not appropriate houseguest behavior if your host is in labor and also maybe about to get murdered by an angry mob.
But Louis Philippe is too tanked to care about propriety. Laissez les bons temps (et la tête de la reine) rouler! (And my parents said my French minor would never come in handy, ha!)
Louis Philippe isn't acting up alone; his gambling partner is a new character who's basically a villain from a direct-to-DVD Disney movie. Disney Villain earns his bad reputation by constantly being hateful for no reason towards Disney Princess, a.ka. his wife and one of Victoria's new ladies.
Because the theme of Season 3 is apparently stuffing at least three brand new characters we don't care about into every single scene, a new footman stands off to the side, gazing at Disney Princess in a way that suggests a star-crossed-lovers-who-can-never-be-together storyline that'll drag its butt over the next eight episodes. Hopefully, this couple has better luck than the Season 2 Gays. AND YES, I AM STILL VERY MUCH LIVID OVER HOW THAT TURNED OUT!
Okay, back to people we actually know. Albert announces the mob has magically dispersed. And the new baby is born without any complications. Hm, that was anticlimactic. That dramatic "To be continued..." cliffhanger from last week should have read, "To be quickly resolved within a minute or two next week..."
The next day, the royal children (well, the two old enough to have speaking roles) run in to greet their new sibling.
Vicky Jr. assumes the role of Simon Cowell on Britain's Got
Talent Incest: "This one's quite pretty... for an infant. Better than the last one anyway."
Which makes Bertie Paula Abdul, the not-all-there judge who mostly means well: "I am glad you're not dead, mama."
Time for another bizarre moment, courtesy of the MVP of Season 3 so far, Xenadora! She busts in (boundaries are not really her thing) and campaigns for the baby to take her name (subtlety is also not really her thing). But no dice. Victoria announces that her daughter will be named after Albert's mother because projecting mommy abandonment issues onto a new generation feels like a healthy choice. Every muscle in Xenadora's face works to suppress the primal scream bubbling inside.
Over at the Chartist HQ, Jo from The Facts of Life is really hitting it off with her nine-fingered crush. But she's also disturbed by how he's stoking violence within the movement. Is he a mole? Or just pissed that someone shot off his finger?
Back at the palace, Lord Pam and Prime Minister Pushover invite Victoria to mobilize troops against the Chartists. Victoria RSVPs a hard no, based on her belief that the mob is only thirsty for Louis Philippe's blood, not hers. Someone sprayed on a bit too much of this perfume this morning:
Back at Chartist HQ, cops storm the place, conveniently find a huge trove of rifles and arrest Nine Fingers for treason. Jo promptly beats the arresting officer. Girl, calm down. You just met him. Also, two plus two equals four, he totally planted the guns there to make y'all look bad! But as the rapper Eve says, "Love is blind and it'll take over your mind." It doesn't help that, as he's being carted off, Nine Fingers says, "Believe me when I say I never expected to meet a woman like you." Mmhm, sure, buddy.
Across town, Hot Italian Chef has some exciting news for Babyface Maid! He bought the inn! And secured a marriage license too! Yay!
Or nay? Babyface Maid is annoyed he didn't ask her first.
Celebratory balloon: popped.
Hot Italian Chef doesn't want to hear the tired "But the Queen needs me!" excuse again so he goes ahead and sets the date. The wedding chapel, tomorrow at 3 o'clock: be there or be square (and single). Babyface Maid nobs in a sure-unless-I-decide-to-wash-my-hair-around-then kinda way. Are we about to have a runaway bride on our hands?!
Upstairs, Victoria hears about all the guns found at the Chartist HQ and decides, Ok, fine, shoot them in the street.
Meanwhile, Louis Philippe is still lazing about the palace, overstaying his welcome and breaking even more Emily Post rules. This time, he sits Vicky Jr. and Bertie down for an extremely graphic lesson on the evolution of chopping off royal heads, from the blunt ax to the guillotine. The kids do not appreciate this Story Time session.
When Albert finds out, he stomps up to Louis Philippe and delivers a line I will be using on all my enemies from now on: "YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS A PROVOCATION!"
Elsewhere, Victoria grumbles about no longer being popular with the public: "I want them to love me! Otherwise, what is the point?!" That's exactly what I say when I get under 100 likes on an Instagram photo.
In town, there's a traffic jam due to a random dead horse lying in the street (#19thCenturyProblems), so the carriage holding Disney Princess is forced to stop. That's when a bunch of random dudes come out of nowhere and start banging on the windows and rocking the carriage back and forth. Scary stuff, but may I just say that this particular extra really put his back into the role and deserves a raise:
Just when it looks like they're going to smash the spit-covered carriage window, Lord Pam trots up and asks them to chill. The mob magically disperses without so much as a top hat knocked off because this episode's theme is anticlimax.
Lord Pam then does what any knight in shining armor should: immediately passes the damsel in distress a huge crystal flask full of booze. Permission to cheat on your mean husband: granted!
Back at the palace, Victoria and Xenadora tire of being passive and finally get aggressive. It goes something like this:
Victoria: You left when I was young and didn't even come to my wedding!
Xenadora: I didn't have money!
Victoria: You could have begged me for some!
Xenadora: As if!
Victoria: I don't expect you to understand. You've never been in my position!
Xenadora: YoU'vE nEvEr BeEn In My PoSiTiOn!
Victoria storms out, but I barely notice because Xenadora's facial muscles are doing weird things again.
Victoria and Xenadora make up two scenes later.
Later, Louis Philippe finds Victoria and says, Hey, sorry about getting tanked during your labor and telling your kids about how decapitated heads are picked up from their hair. Please forward my mail to the roach motel down the block. But Victoria won't hear of it and grants him one of her country homes. Moral of the story: Scar your friend's children for life, get a free house.
In light of the rifle bust and all the mob action going on, Albert convinces Victoria to seek safety at another one of their palaces on the Isle of Wight. Disney Princess has to rush home to get ready but needs someone to accompany her so no one spits all over her window again. If only there was a hunk standing around who could help. Oh, would you look at that? New Footman is conveniently two feet away! I smell a love triangle brewing! Hopefully, it brings the sparks like the one in Felicity.
Believing that Nine Fingers is innocent, Jo visits the police station to campaign for his release. But he's already out! Cause he's a cop! Who's now acting as though he's never seen her in his life! Youch! Jo is going to need a lot of aloe to ease the sting of this burn.
The clock strikes three at the wedding chapel. And Babyface Maid is nowhere to be found...
...until she comes running in!
I'm going to ignore the line in Babyface Maid's vows about obeying Hot Italian Chef, and focus on the line in Hot Italian Chef's vows about worshiping her with his body.
Which they don't waste any time getting to, if this five-second scene is any indication.
Babyface Maid's hair is down, which means Hot Italian Chef's case of blue balls is about to be cured! Halleloo!
The next day, Jo pops up and frantically shares the news of Nine Fingers not being that into her and being way more into framing the Chartist movement. Victoria believes Jo's story because why would a noted actress from a beloved 1980s sitcom lie? Albert must have not have been a fan of the show though because he thinks Jo's theory is outlandish and ridiculous. A government using nefarious means to suppress the people? Who's ever heard of such a thing?!
Despite all evidence pointing to a set-up, Albert convinces Victoria to just forget about it and instead worry about what in-carriage entertainment they'll enjoy on their way to their new palace. But before they're even out of their zip code, Victoria has a panic attack and forces the motorcade to stop. She jumps out and announces that she has had a change of heart: Hey, y'all! That whole shooting unarmed protesters in the street? Let's not do it! K thanks!
Everyone shrugs and carries on, except for Lord Pam, the architect of the strategy to plant rifles: "How the devil did she find out?" Answer: Her name is Jo and she's not here for your crap!
On a bridge, guards load and aim their guns at the protesters. Will they get the message that Victoria has changed her mind in time?!
Of course they will because nothing really happens on this show (except for procreation). The protesters safely submit their little petition and quietly go home.
Over on the Isle of Wight, everyone has heart eyes for their new digs. But Victoria is seeing red over being forced to flee her own people over a whole lot of nothing. Albert eases her anger by unveiling a kinky painting of Hercules, who's been tied up by a queen and made to do whatever she desires. He explains that he's Hercules in this situation (Ha! Keep dreaming!) and that he intends to look at it and think of her while he bathes. Cool story, bro, but keep your masturbation plans to yourself next time.
Later, Xenadora gets an eyeful of Albert's bath time porn and shudders.
*runs over to Chartist HQ to draw up a petition for this woman to win a Golden Globe for all her weird twitching*
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Nine Fingers. He's already missing a finger and he's about to be missing another body part if he doesn't leave Jo alone! #LorenaBobbittThePrequel
HONORABLE MENTION: Jo. The best way to get over a breakup is to single-handedly save a movement. Who runs the world? Girls (who look like forgotten '80s stars)!
BRONZE: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid. Congrats to them for finally getting some! But be warned: I will rescind this award if it turns out they failed to use protection. I can't take any more pregnancies right now!
SILVER: Xenadora. Patron saint of creepy weirdos everywhere. Bow down (while face-twitching)!
GOLD: Albert. He usually bugs me, but I am happy to admit that his catchphrase "YOUR PRESENCE IS A PROVOCATION!" is my new favorite succession of words. It's the kind of thing you say to someone before slapping their face with an unworn glove. Don't be surprised when I'm cast on a Real Housewives show and use it as my intro tagline.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!
'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita
'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton
'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen
'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life
'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found
'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People
'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues
'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love
'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside
'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues
'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train
‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You
‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues
‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain
‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies