'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

Albert and Victoria looking like they were caught by the Kiss Cam mid-fight. (Masterpiece / PBS)

In the previous episode of Victoria, Bertie wished his mom was dead so he could be king and never have to go to tutoring again:

Feodora was still shamelessly on her BS:

There was a very random gendered dance battle:

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And mommy and daddy fought:

A lot:

Will the royal couple use their tried-and-true method of making up and create yet another baby? Let's find out! On with the show!

The show does open with a couple bumping uglies, but it's not Victoria and Albert this time; it's Disney Princess and New Footman! If you thought they were taking way too many risks last episode with all that, um, "wax-spilling" in the linen closet, you'll probably have opinions about how they've now upgraded to boinking during Footman's daytime shift! They are both the Samantha of their respective friend groups and they don't care who knows it!

Ho-ing it up is great fun and all, but a word of warning: The Season 2 Gays only made out once or twice and we all saw what happened to them. This will not end well!

As if doom isn't about to smack the after-sex glow right off of them, Disney Princess and New Footman make plans to run off to California together. To be honest, I would watch that spin-off.

In way less exciting news, it's time for Albert to get a random new hobby that'll only last the length of one episode. Last week, it was redesigning a coin. This week, it's teaming up with some dude named Henry Cole to put on a glorified middle school science fair. Albert is so pumped about his new hobby that—in what might be a first—he cracks a joke!

Albert: "I have never met a man with quite so much energy. If you want steam, get Cole!"

Okay, calling it a joke was generous. Here's hoping his next hobby isn't taking up stand-up comedy.

Cut to Athens, Greece. Some British guy called Don Pacifico (you can't convince me this man isn't actually a Mexcian beer) was attacked. From what we see, it looks like the worst thing that happened was people came into his kitchen and threw his lemons on the ground.

Regardless, Lord Pam is steaming mad and wants to send a message to the world: Don't Mess With Texas The Fruit of British Subjects! He advocates for a naval blockade because Britain hasn't been embroiled in enough war.

Back at the palace, New Footman walks through the kitchen while still getting dressed after his afternoon delight. When Mean Butler calls him out on his sloppiness, New Footman snaps back, "My appearance has always upset you. Why should today be any different?" He's really asking for a cruel fate, huh?

Later that day, Mean Butler agrees to spy on the lovebirds for Disney Villain. What does he get in return? A tiny cup of wine and an even tinier leather ball sack filled with a few coins. What a cheap date!

Meanwhile, the lady-in-waiting who sexed up Lord Pam back in the day warns Disney Princess to be less of a Samantha and more of a Charlotte. She shares a story about a woman who had a "criminal conversation" with Lord M and ended up penniless and having her children taken away. Okay, how criminal are we talking here? Why wasn't this a storyline? We have time for Albert to be obsessed with trains and toilets, but no time for this juiciness? C'mon!

The British public freaks out over Albert and Cole's plan to host the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park. The papers call them the worst thing imaginable: TREE KILLER!

And they're not the only ones being roasted by newspaper illustrators. Lord Pam is getting a lot of negative press for risking war over spilled milk, or in this case, spilled lemons.

And Victoria is getting her fair share of criticism for giving Lord Pam carte blanche. When Albert confronts her over this, Victoria hits back by saying she wants Xenadora to go home (um, not what we were talking about, but okay). She also says this: "You're the one who's planning to humiliate the nation with this giant gingerbread house!"

Take cover, everyone! Mommy and daddy are fighting and wishing divorce was a thing in the 19th century again!

Albert: "Victoria, I can tolerate Bertie because he is a child. You are a 30-year-old woman who still hasn't learned to play nicely."

Victoria: "I am not a child, Albert!"

Albert: "Well, stop behaving like one!"

Yowzers! He didn't have to throw her age out there like that! I don't like to see them bicker like this, but there is a silver lining: being at each other's throats means they're not at each other's loins making Baby #8. And for that, I am thankful.

The following day, Victoria calls on Lord Pam to yell at him for doing the most with his blockade. Ever the deflecting expert, Lord Pam pretends Victoria is worried about the American pantaloon trend catching on with British women. That's enough of an excuse for me to remind everyone that Sybil was the best-dressed and coolest Downton Abbey character. That harem pants scene sparks joy and I'm keeping it in my brain forever and ever.

Speaking of Downton, did y'all know there's a movie coming?! Her ghost better be in it!

But I digress...

Victoria reprimands Lord Pam for stirring things up internationally. The King of Greece is Albert's cousin, after all! Okay, another brief time-out. We as a culture are always comparing women, so let's even the score a bit and vote on who's cuter:

Prince Albert?

Or his cousin, King Otto?

You decide!


Glad that's settled. Moving on...

Lord Pam tells Victoria that blood relatives sometimes suck and deserve to be blockaded. Victoria wonders if they can drop Xenadora into the English Channel and put a bunch of ships around her so she never comes back to the palace. But, based on how Victoria's last maritime adventure went...

...I'd advise Vic to stick to dry land.

Side note: R.I.P. Babyface Maid! I have not forgotten or forgiven that awful storyline! The writers did her as dirty as the water that gave her and her gestating baby cholera. Which reminds me that I need to get around to creating a White House petition to cast Hot Italian Chef as the next Bachelor.

Taking advice from Lord Pam, Victoria decides that if she can't beat Xenadora, she'll just grant her favors and hope for the best. All Xenadora wants for Christmas is for her 16-year-old daughter to be presented at court. Victoria is like, You have a daughter? Okay, I'm starting to see why Xenadora might have an issue with her little sis.

Over at New Footman and Disney Princess' Coital Cottage, Mean Butler watches through the window as the lovebirds have their first fight. Disney Princess is concerned that her husband knows about their affair, but New Footman is like, Don't worry about it! Last time I hooked up with my Duchess employer, her husband just paid me to leave. No biggie! So he's used the skinny-dip-to-get-their-attention, hide-your-bits-behind-a-boat-and-then-reel-'em-in-with-a-look-and-a-smile technique before!

Feeling betrayed, Disney Princess runs away, but New Footman finds her that evening and explains: Sure, I slept with my boss lady to get ahead in life, but I pinky promise that I'm not using you! Wanna make out? Because Disney Princess' standards are low after living with a monster for years, she immediately accepts this mediocre at best defense. Meanwhile, Mean Butler eyes his little glass of wine and his tiny coin sack, which turns out to only hold three coins. You're going to snitch and ruin lives for just three coins??

Meanwhile, in Albert's study, this happens:

Victoria: Hey, wanna be the Commander in Chief so that people stop calling you a tree killer?

Albert: I don't have time for nepotism right now! Can't you see I'm busy with my random new hobby?!

And later:

Victoria: Hey, guess what? I'm planning on doing a favor for Xenadora. See? I'm nice again! I promise I won't slap you across the face or throw a drink in your face or break a skull sculpture again! Now can we start having sex again?

Albert: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The next day, Victoria and Xenadora pretend to like each other while shooting arrows at a target. They finally find common ground by realizing that they both hate their mother. Neat!

Did this scene remind anyone of the shooting scene from The Favourite (which should have won this year's Best Picture Oscar, if you ask me!). I was waiting for something like this to happen:

In Parliament, Lord Pam gives a fancy speech and everyone forgets he almost got the country into a needless war over one guy getting jumped. Later, he rides through the park with Victoria and explains that it doesn't matter what the papers say, as long as you have tons of confidence and no shame.

Back at the palace, Bertie runs into Albert's study and says, Hey, dad! I can read! See, this headline says that you are bringing shame on our entire country! Yay, tutoring! Albert dies a little inside.

In a different wing, Disney Princess gets a letter announcing that her son has come back from boarding school early. It's a trap! Don't go! On her way out, she and New Footman renew their vow to move to California together. Yeah, good luck with that.

When Victoria returns home, she finds out that Albert has given up on his hobby. She runs to tell him the news: It doesn't matter what newspapers say about them! They don't have to take in criticism! They're the ruling class and can do whatever they want!

Meanwhile, Albert is taking an overly dramatic grumpy walk in the pouring rain. (That's exactly what I do when I can't build a multi-million dollar temporary structure that no one asked for.) Albert may or may not be crying, but he is most certainly having a full-blown existential crisis.

Victoria finds him, apologizes for not believing in him and says, "I married a dreamer, not a soldier!" They embrace in the eye of the rainstorm.

Dear Victoria writers, The Notebook already exists. Calm down.

Over at Disney World, Disney Princess comes home to find that her kid is indeed home from boarding school. So it wasn't a trap? Good for her!

Wait a second! What's going on here? The maid rushes her son away. And Disney Villain appears with two doctors. He's putting Disney Princess in a loony bin!!! Beverly Hills 9021-Uh Oh!

Disney Princess spits in Disney Villain's face as they drag her away. It's a full-circle moment. Remember when that memorable extra really put his back into spitting on her carriage window?

Across town, an architect figures out a way to build a glass exhibition hall that can house the world's coolest innovations without killing trees. Huzzah! Victoria and Albert celebrate by fooling around in bed, once again ensuring that the world will have an overpopulation problem.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Disney Villain. How dare he stand in the way of the 90210 prequel we deserve?

HONORABLE MENTION: The Newspaper Illustrator. So prolific. So shady. Keep up the good work!

BRONZE: Victoria. Albert used her age as a weapon and fell asleep while she was talking. Both good reasons to throw another drink in his face, but she kept it cute.

SILVER: King Otto. For being way hotter than his cousin, Albert. I didn't want to sway the poll by mentioning my opinion, but now you know that Otto could get it.

GOLD: The Abused Greek Lemons. They didn't deserve to be thrown to the ground like that.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Victoria or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Victoria recaps below!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love

'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside

'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies

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‘Victoria’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Bow Down

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