'Poldark' Season 4 Finale Recap: Kiss Off

Ross smolders one last time. (Mammoth Screen / Photographer: Mike Hogan)

In the previous episode of Poldark, Ross murdered Demelza's wannabe date rapist by shooting him in the groin. My calves are still aching from all the dancing I did on his grave.

Will the Poldark writers hand over the Drake and Morwenna wedding we deserve so I can keep my leg muscles toned? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

Tarot Card Agatha is celebrating her birthda.... wait, what the hell is going on?! She's supposed to be dead! Francis (a.k.a. Backstabber Cousin) is there too, despite being murdered by a puddle a while ago. You remember:

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Is this purgatory?! Alas, no, it's just a flashback to 1780. All the boys have longer hair and Elizabeth has yet to betray Ross by boo-ing up with his cousin while he's trying to survive a war.

Agatha tells everyone she's going to outlive them all (a prophecy I'd gladly get behind). For a seer, she really sucks at predicting the future. Blame the port, I guess.

A bewigged, fashionably late Ross arrives and makes an announcement:

Hey, ladies and germs! I just enlisted to check out that little scuffle over in America. I think it'll be pretty chill. Six months tops! Definitely not an eight-year-long bloodbath! And there's probably no chance that I'll have to watch all my friends die, get a huge scar on the side of my face and get unceremoniously dumped by my girlfriend while I'm away!

Speak of the devil, Elizabeth waltzes in and drools all over Ross. Francis looks on like a weirdo:

It's like he's an extra-terrestrial trying out this smiling thing for the first time. Awkward face muscles aside, can we take a moment to appreciate how into hand kisses Agatha is in the background? Such a legend! The show hasn't been the same without her and her cute, prolonged farts.

Agatha pulls a card while staring at Elizabeth. "She'll break a few hearts and bear beautiful children." True on the first count. Might want to check again on the second. No offense, but I would not call Duke of Puking in Random Corners Geoffrey Charles beautiful. And the jury's still out on Malfoy's gestating spawn.

Verity, perpetually the accidental sh*t-stirrer, asks, "But who will be their father?" Francis shares a look with Malfoy and ventures a guess: "Well, not us, at any rate. It's always been Ross. It will always be Ross."

Wrong again! The answer we were looking for is: She will have a kid with each of you in the messiest Jerry Springer way possible.

Boom! We're back in 1799! Thanks to drunk ass Geoffrey Charles blurting out how obvious it is that Valentine is Ross' kid, Elizabeth needs to re-convince Malfoy that the only reason Valentine was born suspiciously early is because premature babies are her thing. Under a pseudonym, she seeks the help of a shady doctor, who gives her a Premie Potion. A spoonful will make that baby pop right on out.  Sounds totally safe! Good luck with that.

Across town, little-eared Horace (and Blondie) convince Ross to return to Cornwall with them so that he can apologize to Demelza for all the victim-blaming and groin-shooting he got up to last episode.

On the carriage ride, a worried Horace (and Blondie) look on as Ross relives the duel drama in a daydream.

But this time, instead of Sir Scam-A-Lot, he shoots Prison Bestie! Give it a rest, Ross! The poor horny poet is long dead! So he had sand-dune sex with your wife! It happens! Get over it in the same way you expected Demelza to get over your own infidelity (not to mention, your love child)!

In Cornwall, Drake visits the cave he and Morwenna used to make out in and makes a wish.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret Drake, Sam's brother... you know, the guy who's so obsessed with you that you had to get a restraining order against him. Yeah, him! Anyway, could you cure Morwenna's PTSD so we can know something other than misery? Also, while I'm asking for things, could you inspire these haters to stop trying to murder me and burn down my barns? Thanks in advance! TTYL!

All of a sudden, a whimper echoes around the make-out cave. It's Morwenna! And she's running away from Drake because that's her thing now (it's important to cultivate a personal brand).

Drake eventually catches up with her on a cliff's edge, the second most popular place to have really emotional and dramatic conversations (#1 is obviously beside crashing waves).

Drake: "Morwenna! I made a wish! The same wish."

Morwenna: "It will never be granted! I told you why!"

Drake: "And yet, do ye not think there not be more to life than carnal love? Just being together? Seeing together? All that's good and pure and rare and beautiful in the world? The glow of corn and the smell of spring? Summer rain? Autumn wind? Watching you wake, watching you sleep? Oh, my love, what is life if ye live it alone? Marry me. Be my wife. In name only. I'll never ask ye for more. Do ye not love me?"

Morwenna: "Of course I love you. This has never been just about love."

Drake: "But it has. And can only ever be. Will ye walk with me?"

And then she does!

Drake and Morwenna find Demelza and tell her they plan to wed!

Merch line is back on! It's finally happening!!!

On the opposite end of the happiness spectrum, Malfoy, Elizabeth and Valentine are sharing a miserable carriage ride back to Cornwall. Valentine asks for a horse (so relatable). Malfoy glares at Valentine (now Ross Jr. in his eyes) and gives him the silent treatment. A totally normal thing for an adult man to do. Babies and grown-ups alike drop dead like flies pretty much every episode. Why isn't it ever Malfoy's turn??

The following day, Elizabeth hears of Morwenna's attempt at finally being happy and rushes over to make her feel bad about it.

Elizabeth: "But your child! How could you bring yourself to leave him?"

Morwenna: "He was taken from me, as much was taken from me."

Elizabeth remembers, Ohhhh yeah, I totally forgot about selling my own cousin into an abusive marriage against her will and about how she was raped a bunch and then almost committed to an insane asylum!

If only there was a tutorial out there that could help bad people stay on top of their evil deeds.

Since involving herself in Morwenna's last marriage turned out so great, Elizabeth tries to convince Morwenna to get married at Malfoy's house. It makes perfect sense for Drake to get hitched in the home of the man who's been continuously trying to have him killed for the past several years.

Morwenna gives Elizabeth an are-you-fing-kidding-me look and doesn't say anything for a while. I'm guessing Morwenna is taking the time to weigh the pros and cons of grabbing a candlestick and thwacking her no-good cousin over the head with it. Instead, Morwenna swallows all of Elizabeth's BS and gets manipulated into walking her all the way home. I preferred the death-by-Lumiere option, but that's just me.

When they get there, Elizabeth pressures Morwenna to come inside. Is Liz going to trap Morwenna in a bunker for a decade, after which Morwenna will be rescued, move to New York City and star in a silly Netflix series about reacclimating to a brave new world?

I would watch.

Against her better judgment, Morwenna stays for dinner, only to have Malfoy come home in a terrible mood. Since Geoffrey Charles already burst into the room and blurted out pot-stirring info last episode, this time it's Valentine's turn. Fake papa, did you know Morwenna is getting married?!

Malfoy asks a maid to take "that child" away and doesn't waste any time calling Morwenna a trollop and throwing her out of the house. Elizabeth is too busy acting surprised to stop any of it. Drop the act, sister! It's tired! Your husband is evil! And you are complicit! Accept it!

By this point, word has gotten around that Elizabeth cousin-napped Morwenna, so Ross gallops off to rescue her. She's gone by the time he arrives, but that doesn't stop Malfoy from calling Ross inside because he lives for the drama and shouting about what a "dim-witted trull" Morwenna is. Again, Elizabeth acts surprised by how evil Malfoy is. She's giving me a headache!!!

Then Malfoy threatens to shoot Ross on the spot if he comes over ever again. Is Lil Malfoy that small? The insecurity! Geez!

The last time these two were together, Malfoy used Ross' face as a coin slot, and now this? Ross has HAD IT.

Ross lays it all out: Dude, you live in my family home, you stole my mine, you tried forcing me into bankruptcy, you encouraged a scammer to try date raping my wife and you married the ex I will never get over. And all because I put a frog in your pants two decades ago?! What more do you want?? Why isn't all this enough?!

Malfoy responds by throwing yet another Veruca Salt-sized temper tantrum. Maid, can you take this child away too? Thank you next.

Because this show never tires of torturing Morwenna, Malfoy's Slytherin cronies are chasing her through the woods with rabid dogs. Enough! Let this girl be happy!

Just as the Slytherin cronies have Morwenna pinned against a tree, Drake appears, wielding a huge stick that says, NOT TODAY, SATAN! For some reason, the Slytherin cronies back down. I would have preferred some skull-cracking, but this works too.

Back at the manor, Malfoy and Elizabeth fight over Valentine some more. Malfoy says he knows Valentine's not really his son because of what Agatha told him after he canceled her 100th birthday party just to be a prick.

Such an iconic moment! Almost as iconic as...

Elizabeth continues to deny it all. And the Oscar for Best Actress in a Hell of Her Own Making goes to...

Elizabeth stomps off to her bedroom, where she takes the Premie Potion. Moments later, Malfoy finds her passed out on the ground. We don't get to see her faint this time, but it's safe to assume it was bobble-head-ish.

Across town, Horace is posing for a Playpup centerfold.

Hair, body, face; triple threat! Those curves! Those gams! So bodacious!

Doc is summoned to Elizabeth's bedside, where she is being as obvious as possible: Wow! It's just like last time! Another premie! What a coincidink! I don't cheat; I just have an inhospitable womb! See? Valentine is your baby (if you squint a lot and ignore all the other obvious signs)! Malfoy buys it cause he's an idiot.

Elizabeth gives birth to a baby girl and names her Urusla because being a Disney villain runs in this family. Malfoy vows to be a better human being and stop treating Valentine like trash. Also, he announces that he found a shady way to force the Prime Minister to recommend him for a knighthood. How nice.

Ross and Demelza are back on speaking / sexy terms, but not all is forgiven just yet. Spitting strawberries into each other's mouths is still off the menu.

Because he just can't help himself, Ross brings up Prison Bestie AGAIN (for those keeping track at home, the season total is now at 943). Get a grip, Ross! The poetry wasn't that good! And sand dune sex isn't all it's cracked out to be. Two words: gritty undercarriages.

The next morning, Elizabeth wakes up with intense cramps. She asks Malfoy, "Why is it so dark? I'm afraid of the dark!" Thumper's mom has advised me not to comment on this.

Having heard that Elizabeth is ill, Ross rushes over and is promptly denied at the door on Malfoy's order. Ross breaks in anyway and implores Malfoy to quit being such a little sh*t. That's when Malfoy very flippantly announces: Oh, by the way, Elizabeth is totally dead.

Ross hurries to her bedroom and finds that it's true. He kisses her one final time.

Anyone who is a dedicated reader of these recaps knows I do not care for Elizabeth. Just cause she's dead now doesn't erase all the terrible stuff she's done. Not gonna get any real tears from me.

Okay, fine, I'll admit that Valentine grabbing hold of Malfoy's hand while looking at his dead mother did put me in my feeling just a wee bit, but it's time to snap out of it 'cause we are being graced with the last Horace scene of the season!

I know there are more serious issues at hand right now, but can someone please let Horace down? (Watch the bottom left corner.)

Jumping off of furniture is beneath someone of his social standing!

At a cliff's edge, Ross tells Demelza that Elizabeth is dead. She acts concerned, but we all know what's she's really thinking:

Moral of the story: if you and your hot husband cheat on each other, both of your affair partners will end up dead in no time. Adultery kills!

It's time for the season's final fireplace couple's therapy session. Ross brings up Prison Bestie yet again (updated count: 944) and Demelza does her best to put his jealousy to bed: "Prison Bestie did touch my heart and a few other things, but only you have ever owned it." Aw, that's nice.  Prudie, fetch the strawberries! We've got some sexy baby bird feeding to do! 

Because I would revolt without it, the writers FINALLY LET DRAKE AND MORWENNA GET MARRIED!!!!!!!

And not a moment too soon! I can finally exhale now.

While everyone celebrates mere feet away, Malfoy stares at Elizabeth's grave while plotting another season worth of evil shenanigans. But I'm not going to worry about any of that now. I've got better things to do, mainly putting on my official Morwennake one-piece bathing suit and then giving myself a manicure using the official Drakenna nail clipper, while sipping tea out of the official Morwennake tea set, before going to bed wrapped in the official Drakenna comforter.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Elizabeth. I could pretend that I care that she's dead, but y'all would know I was faking. I have two parting messages for Elizabeth. The first: TTYN. And the last:

HONORABLE MENTION: Prison Bestie. Even in death, he and his horny poetry continued to define this season. As Beyonce says, "You know you that b*tch when you cause all this conversation."

BRONZE: Drake and Morwenna. Neither of them died, despite everyone's best efforts! Huzzah! And the future of my Drakenna / Morwennake merch line looks bright! Refrigerators, toilet plungers, neck tattoos. Sky's the limit!

SILVER: Agatha. She was in the episode for approximately 42 seconds, but 42 seconds of Agatha is greater than 42 minutes of most of these other characters. A true legend. I hope there's a lot of port in heaven.

GOLD: Horace. Scene-stealer. Heart-breaker. The only character worthy of a knighthood.

That’s all, folks! It’s been a pleasure watching along with you this season. Until next year (or until my Victoria recaps start back up again in January, if you're into that sort of thing)!

If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!

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