'Poldark' Season 4 Episode 4 Recap: Cry Me A River

Horace's mom and stepdad. (Masterpiece)

In the previous episode of Poldark,  Demelza tried to make fetch Rosina and Drake happen, Blondie gave birth and continued to workshop jokes for her one-woman show Kids Are The Absolute Worst, and Ross made up for hanging out with his ex by sexing Demelza all over the kitchen table. Will Rosina and Morwenna vie for Drake's final rose in a very special 18th-century version of The Bachelor? Will plugging our ears and saying "LA LA LA" really loudly stop whatever terrible thing is about to happen to Blondie's baby? Will the Poldarks need to decipher Swedish pictograph instructions to build a replacement kitchen table for the one they desecrated with all their boinking? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

We... okay, I... asked for more smack-talking about children. And less than 10 seconds into this episode, Blondie is supplying in spades! Looking down on Baby Sara's cherubic face, she asks, "Is this creature not provoking, boring me to tears with her endless smiles? I live for the day the little beast runs away. I tell her I shan't miss her at all."

This would be a real knee-slapper if Baby Sara wasn't slowly dying and all.

Understandably, Doc does not find the joke funny.

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On the inside, he's thinking:

But since whatever's wrong with Baby Sara is still a secret, all he can do is quietly choke back a sob and walk away.

Across town, Malfoy is busy doing what he does best: throwing a deranged Veruca Salt-sized tantrum. This time, it's about being voted out of Parliament. It's really hard to be an uber-rich white man, you guys!

Malfoy: Waaaahhhhhhh. It's 'cause my grandfather was a blacksmith, isn't it?!

Elizabeth: Um, no, I'm pretty sure people just despise everything else about you. Oh, and because I live to stir the pot and make everything worse, here's a fun fact: A little birdie told me that Demelza got your donor drunk and convinced him to rethink supporting evil jerks like you. Another reason to plot against my ex! Yay! I have no life and am dead inside!

Demelza's name immediately makes Malfoy's eyelid twitch. He yells that she's an "impudent kitchen troll." As someone who enjoyed a modest collection of Troll dolls in the '90s, I consider that a compliment.

Who needs mining when you're born with a precious jewel inside your belly button?

At the edge of a cliff, Doc holds Baby Sara and looks like he just watched Bambi's mom get shot and the end of A Star Is Born back to back. Judging by Baby Sara's facial expression, she is harshly judging the writers for bringing her into this world, only to potentially kill her off as unceremoniously as a Game of Thrones character.

Doc whispers, "Stay a little while longer."

Sorry. I'll be right back. Some dust got in my eye. *goes into the next room and cries into a pillow so my neighbors won't hear*

Back at chez Poldark, out of nowhere, Demelza asks Ross if he thinks they will ever truly mend their relationship. Good god, I am getting tired of these constant intense couples therapy sessions! He cheated. She cheated. Horny poetry was exchanged. It's over. Let's move on!

Oh, wow, it's like Ross and Demelza heard me 'cause they decide to stop talking about feelings and just have some more sex. That's more like it!

The next day, Ross quickly learns that being a politician isn't exactly the Robin Hood steal-from-the-rich-give-to-the-poor dream he had in mind. His donor is already trying to control his vote on certain matters. Welcome to the swamp, Ross!

Later, at the mine, Ross runs into Doc and asks why he always looks like this lately:

Doc confesses that Baby Sara has a congenital heart defect (NO!) and will for sure die (STOP!).

Umm, awkward confession time: This might kind of be my fault. Remember when I was really against Blondie betraying her only child, Horace the Pug, by having a human child? Maybe all that advocating led to this? *Steve Urkel voice* Did I do thaaat?

Over at Morwenna's house, things just keep getting bleaker. Not only has Gross Goblin's mom practically moved in, but Elizabeth also pays a visit.

Elizabeth tells Morwenna that she thinks the way Mama Goblin terrorizes the nanny is strange. You know what's strange, Liz? The fact that you married off this poor girl to a toe-snacking rapist and have the audacity to pop on over for tea like it ain't no thing. Hell, party of one. We'll seat you now.

For what feels like the 8,432nd episode in a row, Jennifer Lawrence puts her feet in Gross Goblin's mouth for money. Yawn.

In addition to being terrible at...well, basic humanity, Gross Goblin is also terrible at not being caught sucking on someone else's wife's toes. While leaving Jennifer Lawrence's crack den, he is spotted not just by Elizabeth, but by Jennifer Lawrence's husband too!

Across town, Geoffrey Charles pays a visit to Drake and yammers on about Morwenna. Drake shrugs and says, "Life must go on," followed by a shot of Rosina waving. Once again, dear Poldark writers:

Is roaming the space around Drake and waving all this girl does? Get a hobby!

Later, Demelza forces Drake to walk Rosina home again, but this time, Sam doesn't go along to act as a human prophylactic. Rosina says people might get the wrong idea and think they're dating. Drake smiles and says he's okay with that.

Meanwhile, Gross Goblin hatches a new plan to get even with Morwenna for denying him access to her feet; he plans to have her institutionalized. Can evil take a single afternoon off? I am exhausted.

Evil just got back to me about taking the afternoon off. It's a hard no. Baby Sara has developed a cough. So far, she's beating back the Grim Reaper.

Keep up the good fight, little one!

Meanwhile, Gross Goblin tries to get Doc to say that Morwenna is bonkers enough to lock away forever. Really not in the mood for this kind of nonsense today, Doc eviscerates Gross Goblin: "I cannot help you, sir, nor do I wish to. It is my humble opinion that if a husband cannot win his wife by loving, kindness and sympathy, then he deserves to go without her. I bid you a good day!"

In case you're not fluent in overly-polite British, here's a translation:

I usually skip all the mining plotlines because zzzzzzzzzzz, but something important is actually happening down there for once. Ross plans to save the mine from bankruptcy by digging into new territory he thinks holds valuable minerals or whatever. Instead, he and Sam strike... a bunch of water! The mine starts to flood and everyone is in danger of drowning to death! Good going, guys! The homicidal puddle that murdered Francis is back for more!

A challenger for Gross Goblin's Bad At Everything title emerges in the form of some dude named Bobby. While trying to escape from the mine, he slips from the ladder, belly flops into deep water and then sinks to the bottom just in time for a random cart of rocks to fall on his leg. Oy vey.

Ross eventually frees him, and Doc manages to bring him back to life via mouth-to-mouth. That's great for Bobby and all, but will Doc be able to save Baby Sara?!

Speaking of which, Blondie finally knows about Baby Sara's condition and the prognosis gets even worse: Baby Sara will be dead in a matter of hours.

Blondie is all out of jokes. "I never wanted this wretched creature, but over the months, she has wormed her way into my affections, supplanting even poor Horace." (Considering the situation, I'll allow the demotion.)

Asked whether Blondie wants Demelza to come over for support, she says, "No, I am a hard woman and can fend for myself. I believe Demelza would cry, and that I fear would undo us all."

Demelza or no Demelza, I am undone. Baby Sara passes away that night.

I held most of the tears back until I saw that little black casket. Then the floodgates really opened.

R.I.P. Horace's lil sis! I'm sorry I hated on the idea of you. Please say hi to Agatha and Prison Bestie and Jago and Julia for me. No need to say anything to Francis.

After the funeral, Ross interrupts Demelza's weeping with yet another helping of jealousy over Prison Bestie. Is he serious?! At a time like this?!? As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, he then yells in Demelza's face about how he doesn't like his new job. Boo hoo, being one of the most powerful men in the country isn't as fun as I thought it would be!

Everyone grieves in their own way, but this is one of the dumbest. Get over yourself, dude! Baby Sara is dead and your grumpiness over work and your insecurity over a one-off sand-dune-boogie is all you can think about?

Just in case we needed another reminder of evil never resting, Malfoy and Elizabeth share idiotic grins over how they managed to buy their way back into Parliament. This would be a good time for a Biblical plague to hit their house. Let's not do frogs again. Death of the firstborn just happened, so let's skip that too. Locusts, biting insects, livestock disease, darkness and a river turning into blood won't do either. So fiery hail it is!

That's for...well, everything, but especially for not letting Agatha lie about her age and have a fun, boozy birthday party!!!

A few days later, Blondie decides to leave Doc and move to London so she can learn to forget the loss of Baby Sara. Uh oh, there go the floodgates again!

My face had just dried! Ugh!

At last, we get a reward for surviving all of this emotional devastation. Ding dong, it's HORACE O'CLOCK! And not a moment too soon! A much-needed rainbow after this sh*t-storm of an episode.

Find someone who looks at you the way Doc looks at Horace.

(Yes, I do realize he's actually looking at Blondie. Let me have my fun during this emotional time!)

While leaving Cornwall maybe forever, Blondie tells Doc, "Do your best not to miss Horace." Ok, Blondie, we'll try.

OMG, another Rosina scene?? NOT NOW.

Since the fiery hail hasn't actually arrived yet, I guess I'll settle for Ross randomly destroying Malfoy's No Trespassing property fence. Obliterate it, Ross!

The animated gif above also serves as an allegory for what this episode has done to my emotions and overall mental health.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: The Grim Reaper. So many evil people to choose from and he snatches up a baby named after one of my favorite Fleetwood Mac songs?! The gall!

HONORABLE MENTION: Bobby. Congrats on not being dead or whatever.

BRONZE: Morwenna. Hang in there, girl.

SILVER: Baby Sara. *unintelligible parting message drowned out by all the crying*

GOLD: Blondie. The best character on this entire show deserves much better than this. Like a happy-go-lucky spin-off, which follows her, Horace and Oscar Wilde, as they joke and party their way all over London. Make it happen, Masterpiece!

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!

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‘Poldark’ Season 2 Finale Recap: Burn Baby Burn

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'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark

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