Children and their parents are dropping dead from hunger and fever, Ross' fellow politicians don't want to do anything about it, and Malfoy's stupid punchable face is back in the House of Commons.
Oh, thank goddess! Blondie is on the scene to distract us from all the bleakness with a shiny fashion moment! Would you look at that hat?!
Blondie wears it well, but let's give credit where credit is due.
I hope you enjoyed that very brief comedic detour because it's time to travel back to Bleakville. Doc asks Morwenna why she threatened to murder her kid that one time. She explains that the empty threat is the only ammo she has against Gross Goblin's "attentions." #FreeMorwennasToes!
Over at Drake's bachelor pad (okay, fine, the barn he lives in), Demelza is still on her mission to turn Drake and Rosina into an item worthy of a portmanteau couple name. Drosina? Rake?
See? They don't belong together! Team Drakenna / Morwennake 4 Life! As the president of their official fan club, I vow to make a line of merchandise if they ever find a way to murder Gross Goblin and be together. You would buy a tea set with their faces on it, right?
Drake confesses that he thinks Rosina's habit of constantly following him around and waving is cute and all, but it's not love. Demelza tries to reassure him that you don't need to love the person you're going to spend all of eternity with.
Oh, don't worry about actually loving the person you marry! Ross didn't love me at first; he only married me to make his ex jealous! And look at us now! Not living in the same house and barely recovering after two love affairs and a secret love child! Don't you want a piece of that?
Drake is too nice to actually say:
Across town, Jennifer Lawrence is still wiggling her toes in Gross Goblin's face for money. Is anyone else beyond tired of this?
Like a parent forcing a child to eat broccoli, it's time for the Poldark writers to force me to swallow even more of this Rosina storyline.
Drake approaches Rosina and says, "Ye must know that I have a liking for thee."
PLEASE SAY "BUT..."! Here's how to say it in American Sign Language. I don't care how you get the message across; just shut this down!
Phew! He tells her about how he'll always love Morwenna. That's right, Rosina! Go wave at someone else!
Oh, gosh, he's still talking.
"I like ye, take pleasure in your company, I can offer you a
barn home, a hearth, a quiet, yet comfortable living."
He then tells her she can take some time to think his proposal over.
Rosina replies, "No, Drake."
Oh, brother, I celebrated too soon. She's not done!
"I need no time. You're a brave and honest man, and I believe our life together will be good."
I can't believe I gifted her a congratulatory Meryl Streep gif! I'm taking it back! I'm reversing it!
Over in London, Blondie pretends she isn't as depressed as I am over Baby Sara by throwing a rager. Everyone is there, even Malfoy and Elizabeth. Why didn't the fiery hail I wished on them last week ever come?
Sending Liz down to hell also turned out to be ineffective!
Wait a minute. Could it be possible that the weird memes I make have no real power or influence over what happens on this show?!
Anyway, enough about Malfoy and Elizabeth and more about Blondie's new piece of headwear!
Again, it's important to give credit where credit is due.
Back in Cornwall, Demelza and Doc are starting to resent their spouses for abandoning them.
Doc: "Do you picture them ever, Ross and Blondie together in a world of which we have no part?"
Demelza: "Do you not sometimes wonder..."
Doc: "...if they met each other before they met us..."
Demelza: "...they'd be better matched?"
Doc: "Would we?"
Ooooo, this is an episode of Wife Swap I would watch! When the cats are away, the mice will play (with each other's naked bodies on a sand dune)!
Ugh, before I have a chance to fully picture it, Sam bursts in with news: Rosina said yes!
I know, Sam! Must you remind me?! Can I not have a single moment of joy in imagining Doc and Demelza swapping spit and horny poetry?!?
Back at Blondie's party, Elizabeth ignores Ross for no reason, which backfires spectacularly when Sir Scam-A-Lot points out to Malfoy that Liz wasn't so cold to Ross the other night outside her house. Oops, was that supposed to be a secret?
Malfoy boils up inside and updates one of his mental lists:
Reasons Why I've Dedicated My Life to Destroying Ross Poldark:
- He put a frog in my pants that one time.
- If Herbal Essences existed and wanted to cast someone with gorgeous hair for a shampoo commercial, they would pick Ross over me.
- Everyone gets binoculars out when Ross swims or scythes half-naked. Everyone runs in fear when I simply undo my top button.
- Lil Ross is probably bigger than Lil Malfoy.
- He spoke to Elizabeth without my permission.
Across the room, an entirely unbothered Ross gives Blondie a hard time for being a party animal and having a bunch of new, fake friends. Let the woman live, Ross! Carpe diem! Furantur vestimenta ex fragum parvulus laganum! (Yep, I cobbled together a very rough Latin translation of "Steal clothes from Strawberry Shortcake.")
The next day, at yet another Blondie rager, Geoffrey Charles is about to get his drunk butt kicked by some rich dudes. Ever the savior, Ross steps in... and promptly gets sucker-punched in the nose! Not his face! There goes his future modeling career!
As if Geoffrey Charles hasn't made enough of a mess of this party, he goes and does this:
A person whose job is to clean up rich people puke appears. Never one to miss the opportunity to talk to a poor person, Ross engages Puke Cleaner-Upper in conversation and finds out this gig was the only way he could make ends meet. PCU's eagerness to scrub vomit out of a fancy carpet renews Ross' drive to pass a bill or something.
Back in Cornwall, Gross Goblin puts on a repulsive striptease for a terrified Morwenna. He announces: "Let us say a little prayer and then you will submit to me." I hope that Puke Cleaner-Upper is still around 'cause I think I'm gonna...
How about we say a little prayer that Gross Goblin chokes on a foot and dies?
The candles in Morwenna's bedroom go out, which I assume means she's getting raped again. This show is... a lot.
Meanwhile, Jennifer Lawrence smiles to herself while she polishes and admires a new candlestick she bought with her toe jam money. Hope it was worth eternal damnation.
Later, Jennifer Lawrence's husband returns home earlier than expected, peeks through a window and gets an eyeful of all the kinky foot stuff his trifling wife and Gross Goblin have been up to.
Pass the eye bleach 'cause I need it to sear the image of all these baby and kid-sized caskets in the next scene. Geez, we get it, Poldark writers! The 19th-century was bleak! Message received! Like Ariana Grande, I've got no tears left to cry!
Oh, good! Something nice to look at! Another fancy hat!
Snatched right from Strawberry Shortcake's closet!
Ross gives Blondie a TED Talk about confronting the pain of losing a kid. "We are taught to be strong, to portray no weakness, but the night [Julia died] I learned to be strong is weakness. Pain should not be avoided. Tears must fall."
Didn't I just say that Blondie, Ariana Grande and I don't have any tears left to cry? Stop traumatizing us!
Oh, great! More trauma in the form of Gross Goblin rolling off of a Morwenna. And to make matters worse, Morwenna's one true love is about to get married to Rosina!
Demelza helps Drake set up his bed for the wedding sex that'll take place there the following day. She again tries to brainwash him into believing that marrying someone you don't like that much is a good idea: "In time, like Ross and me, love will grow." Mmhm, riiiight.
Now that Gross Goblin is raping Morwenna again, he decides to cut off his quid-pro-toe-suck arrangement with Jennifer Lawrence. On his way home from her house, a masked man confronts him in the woods. It's Mr. Jennifer Lawrence! And he has a weapon! Lumiere, the fancy candlestick!
Mr. Jennifer Lawrence uses Lumiere to beat Gross Goblin off his horse! Gross Goblin's foot gets caught in one of the stirrups and the horse, whom we'll call Phillipe to stick with the Beauty and the Beast theme, runs off and drags Gross Goblin through the woods and bangs his skull against a bunch of trees!
What a beautiful sight. A foot-gobbling monster gets taken down by his own foot. Poetic justice is alive and well!
The next day, Gross Goblin is discovered DEAD!
Tell Blondie and her friends to make some room at their party 'cause we're celebrating tonight!
OMG, this means that Morwenna is single again, just in time to speak or forever hold her peace at Drake's wedding!
Cut to Drake putting flowers on what he thinks will be Rosina's pillow!
Drake, check Twitter! Your ex's dead husband is trending!
But who needs Twitter when Demelza is here to spread the news (bless her!).
Drake isn't as stoked as I'd thought he'd be, though.
"Why tell me, sister? Why not keep me in the dark and let me wed that sweet, sweet girl?"
I would feel bad for Rosina if I wasn't so busy mass-producing Drakenna / Morwennake merchandise. Why stop at tea sets?
Because he's a good, compassionate person, Drake finds Rosina skipping around with her bridesmaids and breaks up with her in person, instead of ditching her at the altar. I imagine he tells her he can't marry her like this:
Everyone is horrified by the news.
Everyone except for me.
Across town, Doc has a hallucination of Blondie holding Baby Sara.
Demelza disrupts his vision with the news that Drake has run away. She breaks down in Doc's embrace.
Demelza: "I just wish somebody would take care of me."
Doc: "Yes, Ross should be here."
Demelza: "And Caroline."
But they're not, so maybe kiss? (Sorry, I live for the drama.)
Back in London, Ross tries to convince Blondie to return to Cornwall with him. She's not wearing a hat this time, which I assume means that she received a cease and desist letter from Strawberry Shortcake.
Blondie explains to Ross that she couldn't weep for Baby Sara and that the experience of having her dead baby taken from her arms could only be numbed by getting hammered every night in London. She's gonna stay and do some more of that but wants Ross to know that his TED Talk helped and she has begun to weep again. Me too, girl.
Over at Gross Goblin's funeral (wow, I really enjoyed typing that!), Gross Goblin's Mama loudly announces that Morwenna is a bad mom and that she plans to adopt her child. Morwenna faints on the spot.
After she's resuscitated, Elizabeth and Malfoy walk over and pretend to be empathetic, but, after years of torture, Morwenna is not in the mood for fake @ssholes.
Malfoy: "You must feel the loss keenly."
Morwenna: "I feel nothing but relief. I loathed him with every bone in my body. He sought to have me committed. He took away my son. He violated me...again...and again...and again."
Elizabeth pretends to be shocked: "I did not know! We could not have possibly known, cousin!
Malfoy: "Our only thought was to provide you with an advantageous..."
Morwenna: "ADVANTAGEOUS TO WHOM?!"
Yaaaas, queen, tell them!!!
Back at Athlete's Foot Locker, Jennifer Lawrence and her husband agree to keep Lumiere a secret. Mr. Lawrence also agrees to pretend he doesn't now know how evil his wife really is.
Demelza and company are all worried about where Drake is, but his whereabouts are obvious! He's where everyone goes when they're being drama queens: the crashing waves! Before you get too excited, he's fully clothed, so no gifs for you.
The next morning, Drake wakes up outside of Morwenna's house. As luck would have it, she comes outside! He approaches her, but she can't even.
Morwenna: "I cannot bear it! I'm sick! Tainted! It's done with! Ended! Please leave me now and never come back."
As if this wasn't upsetting enough, Gross Goblin's Mama interrupts the reunion and orders her servants to horsewhip Drake and remove him from the premises! *adds Gross Goblin's Mama to my hit list*
Oh, great. Malfoy is running around, spreading a rumor that Drake killed Gross Goblin.
Will the kid ever catch a break?
When Elizabeth catches wind of Malfoy's new evil plan, she doesn't go along with it for once: "The man was a monster and we forced her to wed him. If you value my love, do not pursue Drake." Plus one point for her, which means she's now only at negative 92,371 points in my book.
Malfoy calls off the search, but has an evil Plan B. Recruit Rosina's upset dad and burn Drake's barn to the ground. If all of this insanity is going on in episode 5, I'm scared to think of what the writers are saving for the season finale!
The next day, in front of the barn's ashes, Rosina tells Demelza she wishes Drake found out the truth right after they were married so he would be trapped in his vows to her forever. "I know he would have never left me." Wow. Rosina sucks as much as I thought she did.
She doesn't deserve Drake's love or a cool couple name!
At a cliff's edge, which is the second most popular place to be dramatic in Cornwall, Morwenna throws Drake's friendship (with very minor benefits) bracelet into the ocean. Are we really going to have to wait until the season finale to break out the Morwennake merch?
In London, Ross finally passes a bill to help poor people. That's great news! But the even better news is that his nose is healing quite nicely. Teen modeling career is back on!
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Gross Goblin.
HONORABLE MENTION: The Mine. For not being in this episode.
BRONZE: Puke Cleaner-Upper. Hopefully, the passage of the welfare bill means he won't have to spend his nights scooping up trust fund kids' half-digested corn.
SILVER: Drake and Morwenna. These two deserve a medal for all they've been through. They also deserve some of the profits from my soon-to-be very successful merchandise line. *gives self manicure with the official Morwennake nail clipper*
GOLD: Lumiere. Great work! Be our guest for however many episodes it takes to kill off all these evil jerks.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!
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