Is there anything that could ruin the sexual healing mood?
Yes, there is, and it's this line from Demelza:
"Do you wish the children were here?"
Ross is like, Um, not so much! My twig and berries are literally out right now. The fact that we leave the kids at home all the time and ignore them when we're actually around is enough fodder for their future therapy sessions, let's not add witnessing their parents boink to the list.
Demelza continues to, um, deflate the situation, with this line: "Well, at this rate, we'll be soon adding to their number."
No more pregnancies!
This isn't PBS' Victoria!
Just have filthy floorboard sex and let that be enough!
Swim slower, Ross' sperm!
Be more standoffish, Demelza's ovaries!
Across town, Malfoy shows off the new mansion he bought with blood money and announces he will host a masked ball so that Geoffrey Charles and all the other rich Londoners have another opportunity to puke all over the place.
Elizabeth tries to slow his roll a little bit: "My dear, recollect how many times your invitations have not found the favor they deserve."
Translation: You are a social pariah and absolutely no one wants to willingly party with you.
Malfoy agrees that everyone hates his guts, but adds he plans to make it a charity event so everyone shows up out of pity.
The entire time this conversation is happening, poor little Valentine is in the corner silently playing on a huge rocking horse. #OnlyChildProblems
Compare and contrast:
At a daytime rave, Demelza is delighted by all the razzmatazz London has to offer. Somehow, she doesn't notice the best and cutest guest at the party:
I want to know this monkey's name and what she's munching on and what her favorite color is! (If I had to guess I'd say Curious Georgina, watermelon Bubblicious gum and aquamarine.)
Moments later, Horace the Pug catches me checking out a cute Poldark animal that isn't him. My bad! Behold the one and only king of my heart:
Such a heartthrob! What monkey?
Back at Ross and Demelza's sex den, Demelza says she's tuckered out from all the sight-seeing and is going to take a nap. Ross seductively asks, "What if I have other plans for you?" They proceed to have sex for the 392nd time this week. I hope they tip the hotel maid a pretty penny (pence?) for having to scrub down every surface after they check out. Also, as I said before, PLEASE NO MORE BABIES. JUST SAY NO!
Back in Cornwall, Drake takes a look at the new barn he's moving into. This one is somehow sadder than the last. Sam offers to help him renovate it. I smell an HGTV spinoff!
Over on Toe Jam Lane, Gross Goblin Mama stands a mere three paces away from Morwenna as she tells a doctor about her plan to lock Morwenna up in a loony bin the second she gives birth to the Anti-Christ. Have you ever seen a face express the feeling of FML this strongly?
Gross Goblin Mama goes on to tell Morwenna that she better have a boy because "girls are of use to no one." Where's Feminist Ross when you need him?
We immediately get our answer. He's at the masked ball! Sir Scam-A-Lot is also in attendance. And he has the hots for Demelza.
Sir Scam-A-Lot: "The hair is a touch provincial, but the rest is good."
Malfoy: "Doubtless, she's been dressed in London."
Sir Scam-A-Lot: "Then she must be undressed in London."
Oh, don't you worry. She has. Countless times. All over that hotel room.
Malfoy eggs Sir Scam-A-Lot on in his attempt to seduce Demelza. His pickup line could use some work:
His next pickup strategy—loudly licking his fingers, making way too much eye contact and showing off coat buttons that contain the hair of men he's murdered in duels—isn't much better.
Then, he looks at Ross and his friend who's a girl and says, "Delicious body." Demelza assumes he's talking about Ross because... well, you've seen the shirtless scything and swimming gifs. Sir Scam-A-Lot clarifies he's objectifying his friend, "though I venture Poldark's has much to recommend it." Damn right it does!
This attempted mating ritual gets more awkward (and more lizardy) by the second:
Eventually, Sir Scam-A-Lot just comes out and says it. Hey, girl, when can we be alone? I'm interested in date-raping you. Thankfully, Ross, Blondie and Doc show up to diffuse the situation. But that doesn't stop Sir Scam-A-Lot and Malfoy from betting on whether he can have sex with Demelza by the end of the week.
Ugh, if this episode ends in sexual violence, I am grabbing a pitchfork and marching right up to Masterpiece Theater Headquarters!
*looks up where that actually is, discovers it's all the way in Virginia*
Okay, fine, I'll email them a pitchfork selfie.
The next day, Malfoy is annoyed that he can't bulldoze a poor neighborhood without consequences. Elizabeth offers up a sneakier way to displace all the poor people. Her one-way ticket to hell just got upgraded to first-class.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, Valentine is still rocking on that horse silently in the background.
At yet another party, Sir Scam-A-Lot continues to harass Demelza. His one-liners are somehow getting grosser: "You have an agile tongue, which I shall know what to do with, in due course." Ross has knocked dudes out for way less, so what's the hold up here?
Later that night, Ross and Demelza are not having sex for once. Instead, they're arguing over Demelza not doing enough to spurn Sir Scam-A-Lot. What's next, Ross? Her dress was too short? She was asking for it? Don't make me rescind my Feminist Ross animated gif!
Back at Blood Money Mansion, Malfoy brags about blackmailing someone for their vote in Parliament. Elizabeth proudly tells Valentine how clever his fake dad is, but Val is too busy playing solitaire (no, really, that's not a joke) to respond.
The next day, Demelza confides in Doc and Blondie about Ross' jealousy. The gang is too distracted by dumb drama to recognize Curious Georgina's cuteness. Literally everyone else is rubber-necking to gaze at the adorable legend.
When Demelza returns to her hotel room, Sir Scam-A-Lot is creepily waiting. He goes from zero to date rapist in no time at all, blocking the exit and saying gross things like, "Tell me. Do you cry out when a man takes you?" Demelza, grab a candlestick! It's the murder weapon du
jour Season 4 after all!
Demelza has a better idea. Apparently, that white knob rings the innkeeper!
On his way out, Sir Scam-A-Lot keeps flapping his gums.
Sir Scam-A-Lot: "May I wait on you some other time?"
Demelza: Probably won't ever be in the mood to be raped, so no.
Sir Scam-A-Lot: "I see. It's not me you're afraid of but your husband! Does he beat you?"
Well played, Demelza!
When Ross returns home, he's more concerned with what Demelza did to encourage Sir Scam-A-Lot than what Sir Scam-A-Lot attempted to do. Consider the Feminist Ross gif rescinded! WTF. Read a book, dude!
Knowing that he needs to start getting back in my good graces, the next day in Parliament, Ross physically accosts Sir Scam-A-Lot for sitting on his gloves and generally being a prick!
On a different note, can we all pitch in to buy this dude a decent lace-front wig? He clearly needs our help.
Speaking of hair, Sir Scam-A-Lot wants to murder Ross and make a button out of his curls, so he invites him to a duel. Despite not being a very good shot, Ross agrees because last week's episode was kind of a snooze. They take their paces, fire and both take a hit! Sir Scam-A-Lot nips Ross in the arm. Ross gets him right in the groin. (Nice one, Ross! A few inches over would have been even better!)
Ross rushes over to help, but Sir Scam-A-Lot isn't very gracious about the whole thing: "I wish I shot your head off. Damn and blast you to all eternity." Then, he passes out. Perhaps forever?
My eulogy for him:
Back at the hotel, Doc pokes into Ross' open wound, which almost causes Demelza to pull a Geoffrey Charles all over the floor:
There's a knock at the door!
Duels are illegal so it might be the police!
Oh, it's just a letter...
...saying that Sir Scam-A-Lot croaked!
Back in Cornwall, Morwenna has a miscarriage. I feel very ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ over this turn of events, as does Morwenna.
Gross Goblin Mama: "The doctor believes you have suffered greatly since your miscarriage."
Morwenna: "He's mistaken. I believe it was for the best."
Across town, Drake is working in his new barn when Morwenna shows up!
She explains why she keeps shunning him: she can't bear to be touched or kissed or anything else 'cause it'll trigger her PTSD and make her think of being raped by Gross Goblin for years. Then she runs off.
Meanwhile, over at Blood Money Mansion, while Valentine silently plays with an abacus (LOL), Malfoy tries to think of a way to expose the duel and hopefully get Ross hanged or something. He runs and snitches to the Attorney General, but the AG's response is basically, Get a life, loser.
The following day, while Valentine again rocks on the horse by himself, Geoffrey Charles serves his function as a mere plot device by bursting in out of nowhere and blurting out how much Valentine looks like Ross. Elizabeth and Malfoy both make this face:
Across town, Blondie and Doc have an entire Horace-centric conversation about their relationship:
Blondie: "Poor Horace wonders why he must be abandoned."
Doc: "Poor Horace knows that I've already stayed longer than intended."
Blondie: "Horace wonders why Doc can't find it in his heart to love London as he does."
Doc: "Horace knows that he and I are different breeds. Perhaps Horace will return to Cornwall sooner than he thought."
Blondie: "Perhaps he will."
From now on, Horace is my preferred pronoun. Horace wonders why all episodes can't be about Horace. Horace can't believe there's only one episode left in the season. Horace wonders if you all will come back and read Victoria recaps even though there are no cute pugs in that show. Horace is going to get on with the rest of the recap now.
On the party grounds, Curious Georgina is nowhere to be found, but the other usual suspects are in attendance. Malfoy stomps past Ross, which reminds Ross that, for some reason, he has to pay Sir Scam-A-Lot's I-bet-I-can-rape-Demelza wager to Malfoy. Things quickly get out of hand:
I didn't think anything could top the fight when Malfoy almost gouged Ross' eyes out or the fight when Ross almost roasted Malfoy's entire head in a roaring fireplace, but using someone's face as a coin slot comes pretty close!
Elizabeth says, "I cannot imagine...!" Girl, quit lying. You know exactly the kind of person you're married to. Heck, you help him enact evil pretty much every episode! And you know exactly why he's pissed, so let's skip the act.
The next morning, Ross wakes to find a letter from Demelza. It goes a little something like this:
I'm going home. Feeding each other strawberries like mama birds was fun, but all the sexual harassment, victim-blaming and groin mutilation has gotten to be too much for me. This is where I would write 'I want a divorce' if that was a thing women could ask for in the 18th-century, but instead, I'll say 'See ya when I see ya.'
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Sir Scam-A-Lot. You tried it. Enjoy eternal damnation!
HONORABLE MENTION: The Dude With The Terrible Wig. I feel like he has nothing in his life, so the least I can do is throw a worthless award his way.
BRONZE: Valentine. No one introverts harder. And no one is more likely to snap one day and kill his entire family.
SILVER: Horace. For not getting too mad over my Curious Georgina wandering eye.
GOLD: Morwenna and Drake. PTSD is all that stands in the way of their love (and my Drakenna / Morwennake merch line). That can be cleared up in the season finale and not take years of intense therapy, right? I'm gonna go with yes. After all they've endured, they deserve to spit strawberries into each other's mouths!
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!
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