In the previous episode of Poldark, a candlestick, a spooked horse, a few trees and karma joined forces to murder Gross Goblin (*blasts Etta James' "At Last"*).
In a single episode, the experience of watching this show went from this:
Will an inanimate object do us a solid and kill off another evil character this week? Only one way to find out! On with the show!
Woah, that was fast! Another evildoer has croaked! Way to go, Lumiere!
Alas, the deceased is just some random banker dude who embezzled other people's money. This brings us to this week's edition of Malfoy Has A New Evil Plan To Get Even With Ross For Being Hotter Than He Is.
The bank in question is where all of Ross' life savings are, so if Malfoy can bully the town into withdrawing all of their funds, the bank will go under, taking all the Poldark coins with it and jeopardizing the mine and all of its employees. Malfoy borrows a bon mot from Marie Antoinette and puts his own spin on it:
I'm a pacifist, but my fist naturally clenches every time I see Malfoy's face. It's just begging for a punch.
Speaking of Malfoy's face, Elizabeth walks in while he's plotting and says, "You have a particular expression when you're conspiring against Ross."
It looks like a cross between this:
Across town, someone tells Demelza about Not So Dearly Departed Embezzler's death. Her reaction is so brutal that it could kill the man all over again:
But Demelza soon learns what this particular rando's death might mean for the family's financial future.
Ominous music plays while Drake floats face down in the ocean. He might be dead.
But let's focus on the important thing first:
Okay, now that that requisite half-naked gif is out of the way, let's get back to the whole is-Drake-dead thing. Turns out he's alive and just being really dramatic. These days, we process a difficult breakup by posting something passive-aggressive on social media and/or crying while singing an Adele ballad at karaoke. I guess, back then, the only way to deal with heartbreak was pretending you've drowned to death.
So Drake lives to see another day (which will likely involve someone trying to arrest him, murder him, dump him or all of the above). My career advice: Turn lemons into lemonade by producing a sensitive rap album all about his hardships and emo feelings, just like his 21st-century namesake.
As an apology for making us think Drake was dead for 3 seconds, the Poldark writers whip up a serving of their signature special: a scene involving a wet half-naked man.
Sam ignores the sinfulness of Drake's naked nipples and begs Drake to leave the barn ashes behind and move in with him. Drake refuses and shares this little heart-stabbing nugget: "Morwenna is dead to me."
Drake plans to enlist in the military or get into some other calamitous situation that'll keep Drakenna / Morwennake apart for another few episodes. Can y'all just hand over the happy ending we rightfully deserve? I'm tired!
Also, has Drake forgotten what happens when you go to war in the 18th century? You end up with:
- A scar on your face (not everyone can pull it off like Ross)
- A case of PTSD (Doc no longer has the ability to appreciate when Blondie sneaks up on him and screams "BOO!" in his ear)
- A blow to your eyesight that will make it especially hard to write horny poetry by candlelight for your friend's wife (I miss you, Prison Bestie, and can't wait to see you on the Game of Thrones prequel!).
Point is: STAY HOME, DRAKE.
Speaking of the actors' real lives, how come none of you told me Mrs. Pigpen a.k.a. Prudie looks this cute IRL?
(And yes, that's Aidan Turner biting her face. Some people have all the luck.)
Anyway, back to the show...
Across town, Elizabeth suddenly gets winded and has to sit down for no apparent reason. Is she going to die?!
My official response:
*abruptly stops my evil celebratory laughter* Hold on a second. Elizabeth has a flashback of Ross advising her to get pregnant and lie about the dates so Malfoy will think premies are her thing and that Valentine is truly their kid. So I guess she's not dying and just hiding a pregnancy then.
Speaking of disappointing developments, Morwenna has been experiencing palpitations and nausea. Please don't tell me she's carrying another mini Gross Goblin. I can't take much more of this!
In London, Ross attends yet another rave featuring the same old staples: pyrotechnics, cool IKEA lanterns and Geoffrey Charles' puking in a corner. Thankfully, we are spared a close-up of the chunks this time, but we do get to see him drool out the excess saliva that lets you know all those Goldfish crackers you ate earlier are about to swim back up very soon.
A few days later, Ross convinces Geoffrey Charles to come back to Cornwall and sober up. Geoffrey Charles asks Ross, "Why could you not have been my stepfather?" Ross is too polite to say: Umm, because your mom got with my first cousin while I was trying to survive a war. Then got with my worst enemy. Oh, and she killed one of my kids with her germs. That's why!
Meanwhile, Demelza is busy trying to single-handedly save the bank. A mob has gathered outside of its doors, wanting to withdraw all their money. Demelza convinces them to cool their jets by essentially filming a Suze Orman infomercial about how important it is to invest. The villagers and I are buying what she's selling.
Across town, Drake dramatically walks up a hill and runs into... Rosina.
Can we not? I thought the animated gifs I made last week made my position on force-feeding us this character abundantly clear!
Rosina tells Drake that, if she can handle everyone gossiping about how she was dumped on her wedding day, he can handle sticking around Cornwall and not moving away forever.
Okay, fine. Rosina is right. She still bugs me though. #TeamDrakenna/Morwennake4ever!
Good news! Demelza's Suze Orman impression saved the bank!
Bad news! Malfoy finds out and figures out another way to shut down the bank!
Malfoy rushes home to tell Elizabeth all about how he just robbed Ross of his life savings. Cut to Ross dropping Geoffrey Charles' drunk ass off at Malfoy's house and Elizabeth asking him to stay a while. Oooh, this is going to be good. Here's hoping whatever happens involves Ross putting Malfoy's head into a lit fireplace again!
Horace has returned!
Oh, and Blondie is back too!
Doc and Blondie share a sweet moment, but I can't stop laughing at Horace's lil photobombing butt.
Back at Liz's house, Elizabeth tells Ross she suspects Malfoy is scheming again.
Ross: "Against me? Never!"
Elizabeth: "It's his way. I've grown used to it. I'm content."
Um, okay, glad you're content with Malfoy continuously trying to ruin lives.
Valentine runs in and Ross finally meets his secret love child for the first time. Ross shakes his little hand and says, "Happy to make your acquaintance, sir." Maybe it's leftover Baby Sara feels, but I'm oddly touched!
As he's being led out of the room by his nanny, Valentine stops, turns and waves goodbye to Ross, who salutes. I feel a tear coming. You get back in that tear duct! This show has wrung out too many emotions out of me! I'm dehydrated!
But here it comes anyway.
Just as Ross' carriage pulls away, Malfoy rides up to the house. Elizabeth looks like she just passed several kidney stones.
But, being the master of deception that she is, Elizabeth quickly recovers and leads Malfoy to believe that the carriage has just dropped off Geoffrey Charles. Guess I didn't need that popcorn after all.
Over at chez Poldark, Demelza is freaking out about her Suze Orman plan not working. Ross shows up to say he doesn't really care about all this bank business that much. Ok, great! Does this mean we get a new storyline I actually care about?
Apparently not. Ross spends an entire day, going door to door, trying to convince rich dudes to save the bank. They all laugh in his face before diving into their pools full of gold coins.
Ross returns home with his tail between his legs and asks Demelza for advice.
Ross: "What's your opinion?"
Ross: "We're partners, are we not?"
Way to show everyone that men can be feminists too, Ross!
The next evening, Demelza decides to throw a Let's-get-tanked-instead-of-thinking-about-how-I-can't-pay-y'all! kegger for the mine employees.
Everyone is in great spirits. Except for me. Because this keeps happening.
Thankfully, Sam distracts Drake with some good advice: Hey, you're already looking at eternal damnation for kissing Morwenna last year. Might as well go to her house one last time and try to be with her.
The following day, everyone attends the grand opening of a new hospital. How thrilling.
At the reception, Ross has a bit too much to drink and calls Malfoy out for being a sniveling little you-know-what. Malfoy calls him a storm in a teacup. And the award for cutest insult in a dick-measuring contest goes to....!
Things escalate. Ross screams "You lie!" and yoinks Malfoy's frilly blouse.
Put his head in the fireplace, Ross! Kill him!
Ugh. Before he gets the chance, Elizabeth passes out.
I could see this becoming a new dance craze. Do the bobblehead!
Later that day, Drake follows Sam's advice and shows up at Morwenna's house. He lays it all on the line: "I love ye still. And so I ask one final time, Will ye not take me? 'Tis no sin to love me. Can you not see that there be hope?"
Morwenna takes my Hope poster and promptly rips it to shreds. "I did think so once, but now... Please go and never return. I'm with child."
This is complete and utter BS! Now I have to cancel my merchandise line. How am I going to get rich now??
Over at Horace's house, Blondie tells Doc that Cornwall is boring as hell and invites him to come to London with her this time. Everyone should get the chance to watch Geoffrey Charles puke on a fancy rug!
The boring bank storyline comes to an end with Ross and his Bankrupt Banker Bestie becoming partners in a more prestigious bank. Nice try, Malfoy. So close, yet so far away.
One of the perks of Ross' new role as a banker is that he gets free fancy carriage rides to wherever he'd like. Because this episode's theme is no longer ignoring your spouse, Ross invites Demelza to London for the first time. They're going to party like it's 1799! Get ready, Puke Cleaner-Upper!
In a less happy household, Malfoy wants the doctor who routinely tortures his patients with leeches to treat Elizabeth. Because blood-sucking worms don't go with her outfit, Liz comes clean about being pregnant. Oh, so she's not dying then? Hmm. Maybe next time.
The next morning, Demelza wakes up naked in London. And it isn't long before she and Ross are role-playing on the ground.
Demelza: "No, you can't have me!"
Ross: "Oh, yes I can! You're my prisoner! My present to be unwrapped at leisure."
Their 50 Shades of Grey(-Powdered Wigs) playtime is interrupted by a knock at the door.
Ross yells that they'll be down in an hour.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Elizabeth. If she hadn't married off Morwenna to a toe-gobbling rapist, Drakenna would be thriving and I would be busy counting my merch line money. I hope her baby is ugly.
HONORABLE MENTION: The London Hotel Maid. For having to clean up the floorboards after Ross and Demelza are done.
BRONZE: Geoffrey Charles' Liver. Hang in there, buddy.
SILVER: Horace's Little Photo-Bombing Butt. The best in the biz!
GOLD: Valentine. He's going to need something shiny to play with while he's in therapy for the rest of his life.