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"title": "Experiencing the Wonders of Awe While Raising Children",
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"content": "\u003cp>So much of parenting takes place in the doldrums of everyday life — planning meals, blowing noses, soothing yet another tantrum and tackling the endless mountain of laundry. Yet, every so often, a magical moment occurs that makes parenting feel like the miracle it truly is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maybe your child utters a new word, the siblings who usually bicker are suddenly snuggled up together on the couch, or an impromptu kitchen dance party erupts out of nowhere. Researchers call the feeling sparked by these moments “awe.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Experiencing awe with your child might bring tears to your eyes, make your heart feel like it’s bursting, or leave you with a profound sense of connection to something greater than yourself. These awe-inspiring moments might arise when your child does something unexpectedly kind, reaches a new developmental milestone, says something hilariously wise, or simply shares a quiet, beautiful moment with you in nature.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>The Magic of Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Awe is more than just a powerful emotion — it has real benefits. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> shows that parents who experience more moments of awe report greater life satisfaction, fewer negative emotions, and a deeper sense of meaning and emotional richness in their lives. While both awe and pride are positive experiences, they are distinctly different. Pride comes from feeling pleased with something your child has accomplished, whereas awe is a more transcendent, almost spiritual experience of wonder.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Interestingly, \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">research\u003c/a> suggests that awe may be an even more rewarding experience than pride.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Researchers\u003c/a> have even generated feelings of awe in the laboratory by asking parent to remember an experience with their child in which they experienced awe. Simply remembering these experiences caused parents to report that their lives were more full, interesting, and meaningful!\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Experience this Magic in Your Own Life\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So research finds that experiencing awe may really enrich your life but how do you generate these experiences in your own life?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Be present in the moment. Awe can only be experienced if you are noticing what is going on around you. Pay attention to your senses. Really look at your child’s face, smell their hair, really listen to their voice, or feel their soft skin.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Make an effort to notice the good in your child. You are more likely to experience awe when you are paying attention to the positive aspects of your child. Because our brains are wired to notice and solve problems, it can often take conscious effort to focus on the good.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Reflect on the miracles of parenting and raising a child, such as your child intuitively trusting and loving you, how amazing it is that a collection of cells formed to create your unique child, the profound beauty of being their safe place, and the joy of seeing the world through their eyes.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Think back on awe-inducing experiences. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> finds simply thinking back on times when you felt awe may improve your life. Keep a journal of these moments or simply jot them down in the Notes app on your phone and read through this list when you need a boost.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Teach Your Children to Experience Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>There are so many benefits of teaching your children to share in the experience of awe with you. Research finds that experiencing awe may make children \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more hard-working\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more generous\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38294048/\">more motivated\u003c/a>. So how can you encourage your child to experience awe?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Engage in activities with your child that are likely to inspire awe (\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35457603/\">nature, music, or art\u003c/a> are great options). Take a long walk in the woods, visit an art museum together, or attend a concert.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Seek out new and interesting experiences with your child. \u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9992215/\">Research\u003c/a> finds that novelty is likely to inspire awe. You can make a habit of trying new sports, new foods, or a new craft project together or exploring a new area together. Ask questions during these experiences such as “What surprised you?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Go on an “\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32955293/\">awe walk\u003c/a>” with your child in which you pay attention to everything around you. Be fully present and ask your child what they are seeing, hearing, and smelling. Collect items like rocks and leaves and feel their texture. Turn off your phone and try to be fully present in the moment. When kids see your delight hen you hear a bird or catch a snowflake on your tongue, it can inspire them to look for small wonders, too.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Encourage your child’s curiosity and wonder. You can do this by asking them open-ended questions about the world around them and paying attention to and responding thoughtfully to their question. \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/See-You-Wonder-Board-Books/dp/B0DJ22MY97/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3AR3KJ2197049&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.SBPIzbkIpPxoVTAy-qLkUIwWF9I15sXCAEw8ESuwsRVUBqDDVMirqExSIoQLDwUS7xYD3XvJZBaem42hNG4Mg5ox-7t6bJq2Yd-ZBCnihfZsAWNvI73fX9fHxxoNi2eePueTdO0k6YM-NQNlsZUXPrgx346PeHgShnpgAkv7UQDrxcsawFA9eXBnnkRx1xnZ3RTSm2O2szo1zaEjpRXvRA5lKZuCMsuOcmGYF5WxDLI.1NUXT7c9HR4gB6wY9W-d-6o4Zq-FRo04hzmWz8hJ9l0&dib_tag=se&keywords=i%20see%20wonder&qid=1757901111&s=books&sprefix=i%20see%20wonder%2Cstripbooks%2C115&sr=1-1&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">I See You Wonder\u003c/a> is a book that you can read with your child to teach you both ways to encourage curiosity and wonder in everyday life.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Watch TV shows or movies that inspire awe such as Planet Earth or nature documentaries like March of the Penguins, or if you are limited on time, the short video clip below I use often used in research to elicit feelings of awe:\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6-2fVsFV8E&t=73s\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Overall Translation\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and it’s easy to focus solely on the daily challenges we face. But there’s also a surprising amount of magic woven into everyday life with children—and paying attention to that magic can help both you and your child experience something researchers call \u003cem>awe\u003c/em>. These awe-filled moments aren’t just feel-good; they actually make life feel richer, more meaningful, and emotionally rewarding. In fact, simply \u003cem>remembering\u003c/em> a moment of awe with your child can give your brain a boost. So next time you’re elbow-deep in diaper duty or playing referee in a sibling showdown, keep an eye out for those little miracles. They’re doing more for you than you think.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Expert Review\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>This post was reviewed by Deborah Farmer Kris. Deborah is a child development expert and the author of “Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive,” the\u003cem> I See You\u003c/em> board book series, and the \u003cem>All the Time\u003c/em> picture book series. Her bylines include CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR’s Mindshift, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. Deborah is currently an expert advisor for the PBS KIDS show, “Carl the Collector,” and spent 20+ years as a K-12 educator. You can purchase her books \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/stores/Deborah-Farmer-Kris/author/B09GK2JYGD?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1757960174&sr=8-1&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true&ccs_id=7390a3fd-e6a4-4631-9f35-0b5551a5bfb7&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">here\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>So much of parenting takes place in the doldrums of everyday life — planning meals, blowing noses, soothing yet another tantrum and tackling the endless mountain of laundry. Yet, every so often, a magical moment occurs that makes parenting feel like the miracle it truly is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maybe your child utters a new word, the siblings who usually bicker are suddenly snuggled up together on the couch, or an impromptu kitchen dance party erupts out of nowhere. Researchers call the feeling sparked by these moments “awe.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Experiencing awe with your child might bring tears to your eyes, make your heart feel like it’s bursting, or leave you with a profound sense of connection to something greater than yourself. These awe-inspiring moments might arise when your child does something unexpectedly kind, reaches a new developmental milestone, says something hilariously wise, or simply shares a quiet, beautiful moment with you in nature.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>The Magic of Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Awe is more than just a powerful emotion — it has real benefits. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> shows that parents who experience more moments of awe report greater life satisfaction, fewer negative emotions, and a deeper sense of meaning and emotional richness in their lives. While both awe and pride are positive experiences, they are distinctly different. Pride comes from feeling pleased with something your child has accomplished, whereas awe is a more transcendent, almost spiritual experience of wonder.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Interestingly, \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">research\u003c/a> suggests that awe may be an even more rewarding experience than pride.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Researchers\u003c/a> have even generated feelings of awe in the laboratory by asking parent to remember an experience with their child in which they experienced awe. Simply remembering these experiences caused parents to report that their lives were more full, interesting, and meaningful!\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Experience this Magic in Your Own Life\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So research finds that experiencing awe may really enrich your life but how do you generate these experiences in your own life?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Be present in the moment. Awe can only be experienced if you are noticing what is going on around you. Pay attention to your senses. Really look at your child’s face, smell their hair, really listen to their voice, or feel their soft skin.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Make an effort to notice the good in your child. You are more likely to experience awe when you are paying attention to the positive aspects of your child. Because our brains are wired to notice and solve problems, it can often take conscious effort to focus on the good.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Reflect on the miracles of parenting and raising a child, such as your child intuitively trusting and loving you, how amazing it is that a collection of cells formed to create your unique child, the profound beauty of being their safe place, and the joy of seeing the world through their eyes.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Think back on awe-inducing experiences. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> finds simply thinking back on times when you felt awe may improve your life. Keep a journal of these moments or simply jot them down in the Notes app on your phone and read through this list when you need a boost.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Teach Your Children to Experience Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>There are so many benefits of teaching your children to share in the experience of awe with you. Research finds that experiencing awe may make children \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more hard-working\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more generous\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38294048/\">more motivated\u003c/a>. So how can you encourage your child to experience awe?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Engage in activities with your child that are likely to inspire awe (\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35457603/\">nature, music, or art\u003c/a> are great options). Take a long walk in the woods, visit an art museum together, or attend a concert.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Seek out new and interesting experiences with your child. \u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9992215/\">Research\u003c/a> finds that novelty is likely to inspire awe. You can make a habit of trying new sports, new foods, or a new craft project together or exploring a new area together. Ask questions during these experiences such as “What surprised you?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Go on an “\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32955293/\">awe walk\u003c/a>” with your child in which you pay attention to everything around you. Be fully present and ask your child what they are seeing, hearing, and smelling. Collect items like rocks and leaves and feel their texture. Turn off your phone and try to be fully present in the moment. When kids see your delight hen you hear a bird or catch a snowflake on your tongue, it can inspire them to look for small wonders, too.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Encourage your child’s curiosity and wonder. You can do this by asking them open-ended questions about the world around them and paying attention to and responding thoughtfully to their question. \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/See-You-Wonder-Board-Books/dp/B0DJ22MY97/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3AR3KJ2197049&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.SBPIzbkIpPxoVTAy-qLkUIwWF9I15sXCAEw8ESuwsRVUBqDDVMirqExSIoQLDwUS7xYD3XvJZBaem42hNG4Mg5ox-7t6bJq2Yd-ZBCnihfZsAWNvI73fX9fHxxoNi2eePueTdO0k6YM-NQNlsZUXPrgx346PeHgShnpgAkv7UQDrxcsawFA9eXBnnkRx1xnZ3RTSm2O2szo1zaEjpRXvRA5lKZuCMsuOcmGYF5WxDLI.1NUXT7c9HR4gB6wY9W-d-6o4Zq-FRo04hzmWz8hJ9l0&dib_tag=se&keywords=i%20see%20wonder&qid=1757901111&s=books&sprefix=i%20see%20wonder%2Cstripbooks%2C115&sr=1-1&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">I See You Wonder\u003c/a> is a book that you can read with your child to teach you both ways to encourage curiosity and wonder in everyday life.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Watch TV shows or movies that inspire awe such as Planet Earth or nature documentaries like March of the Penguins, or if you are limited on time, the short video clip below I use often used in research to elicit feelings of awe:\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/N6-2fVsFV8E'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/N6-2fVsFV8E'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003ch2>Overall Translation\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and it’s easy to focus solely on the daily challenges we face. But there’s also a surprising amount of magic woven into everyday life with children—and paying attention to that magic can help both you and your child experience something researchers call \u003cem>awe\u003c/em>. These awe-filled moments aren’t just feel-good; they actually make life feel richer, more meaningful, and emotionally rewarding. In fact, simply \u003cem>remembering\u003c/em> a moment of awe with your child can give your brain a boost. So next time you’re elbow-deep in diaper duty or playing referee in a sibling showdown, keep an eye out for those little miracles. They’re doing more for you than you think.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Expert Review\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>This post was reviewed by Deborah Farmer Kris. Deborah is a child development expert and the author of “Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive,” the\u003cem> I See You\u003c/em> board book series, and the \u003cem>All the Time\u003c/em> picture book series. Her bylines include CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR’s Mindshift, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. Deborah is currently an expert advisor for the PBS KIDS show, “Carl the Collector,” and spent 20+ years as a K-12 educator. You can purchase her books \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/stores/Deborah-Farmer-Kris/author/B09GK2JYGD?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1757960174&sr=8-1&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true&ccs_id=7390a3fd-e6a4-4631-9f35-0b5551a5bfb7&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">here\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cp>When you are in the trenches of parenthood, it is easy to forget that the ultimate goal is to raise well-adjusted, happy, fully-formed adults. This goalpost may seem far away and abstract, particularly for those of us with young children, and it can be so easy to focus only on the strategies we need to get us through our everyday lives. However, it is nice to zoom out occasionally and consider the bigger picture.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So can research give us any insight here? Can we look at well-functioning adults and figure out what their parents did “right” and “wrong”? Well, researchers have done just that by following people from childhood to adulthood and looking at the parenting practices that are associated with “psychological well-being” in adulthood. Psychological well-being is a measure of life satisfaction and psychological health that includes personal growth, self-acceptance and having purpose in life (translation: how well-adjusted you are). I think we can all agree that this is something that we would want for our children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two relatively large studies (see \u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3204412/\">here\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/17439760.2015.1081971\">here\u003c/a>) have found two parenting factors that are associated with psychological well-being as adults:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>High levels of parental care\u003c/strong>: Parental care refers to a warm and loving relationship with parents. Parental care has been linked to having positive relationships later in life. This may be because the parent-child relationship provides a template for healthy relationships for their children.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Low levels of psychological control:\u003c/strong> Psychological control is a parenting approach that involves trying to control your child’s thoughts and feelings. This may involve inducing guilt, manipulating your child to feel or think the way you want them to, shaming, invalidation, personal attacks, or withdrawing affection when your child doesn’t share your thoughts or feelings. Psychological control can be contrasted with behavioral control, which simply means putting limits on your child’s behavior. Psychological control is typically linked to worse psychological outcomes while behavioral control is linked to better outcomes\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What does parental care actually look like in practice? \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Being affectionate (both physically and verbally) (see this \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/parenting-hack-activate-your-childs\">previous newsletter \u003c/a>for tips on being more affectionate)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Listening to and truly seeking to understand your child’s problems and worries\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Using a warm and friendly voice with them and showing them positive emotions\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Praising them and giving them positive attention whenever possible\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Showing your children that you enjoy spending time with them and are interested in what they have to say\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Helping them to feel better when they are upset\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Making them feel valued and important\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What do low levels of psychological control look like in practice? \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Encouraging your child’s increasing independence from you\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Letting them know that you trust them\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Allowing them to make decisions on their own whenever possible\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Validating their emotions even when you aren’t experiencing the same emotions\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Asking about their thoughts and opinions and really listening to what they say\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Allowing them to explore their own interests and passions\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Overall Translation\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The most well-adjusted adults are more likely to have had parents that were loving and warm and did not try to control their thoughts and feelings. These studies are only correlational, so we do not know whether parental care and psychological control actually cause children to grow into well-adjusted adults or were simply associated with this outcome. However, these studies are some of the best evidence that we currently have for understanding how parenting impacts well-being in adulthood. Although these concepts can seem very complicated, it really boils down to simply showing your child love and allowing them the space to have their own thoughts and feelings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>When you are in the trenches of parenthood, it is easy to forget that the ultimate goal is to raise well-adjusted, happy, fully-formed adults. This goalpost may seem far away and abstract, particularly for those of us with young children, and it can be so easy to focus only on the strategies we need to get us through our everyday lives. However, it is nice to zoom out occasionally and consider the bigger picture.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So can research give us any insight here? Can we look at well-functioning adults and figure out what their parents did “right” and “wrong”? Well, researchers have done just that by following people from childhood to adulthood and looking at the parenting practices that are associated with “psychological well-being” in adulthood. Psychological well-being is a measure of life satisfaction and psychological health that includes personal growth, self-acceptance and having purpose in life (translation: how well-adjusted you are). I think we can all agree that this is something that we would want for our children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Two relatively large studies (see \u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3204412/\">here\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/pdf/10.1080/17439760.2015.1081971\">here\u003c/a>) have found two parenting factors that are associated with psychological well-being as adults:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>High levels of parental care\u003c/strong>: Parental care refers to a warm and loving relationship with parents. Parental care has been linked to having positive relationships later in life. This may be because the parent-child relationship provides a template for healthy relationships for their children.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Low levels of psychological control:\u003c/strong> Psychological control is a parenting approach that involves trying to control your child’s thoughts and feelings. This may involve inducing guilt, manipulating your child to feel or think the way you want them to, shaming, invalidation, personal attacks, or withdrawing affection when your child doesn’t share your thoughts or feelings. Psychological control can be contrasted with behavioral control, which simply means putting limits on your child’s behavior. Psychological control is typically linked to worse psychological outcomes while behavioral control is linked to better outcomes\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What does parental care actually look like in practice? \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Being affectionate (both physically and verbally) (see this \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/parenting-hack-activate-your-childs\">previous newsletter \u003c/a>for tips on being more affectionate)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Listening to and truly seeking to understand your child’s problems and worries\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Using a warm and friendly voice with them and showing them positive emotions\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Praising them and giving them positive attention whenever possible\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Showing your children that you enjoy spending time with them and are interested in what they have to say\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Helping them to feel better when they are upset\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Making them feel valued and important\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>What do low levels of psychological control look like in practice? \u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>Encouraging your child’s increasing independence from you\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Letting them know that you trust them\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Allowing them to make decisions on their own whenever possible\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Validating their emotions even when you aren’t experiencing the same emotions\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Asking about their thoughts and opinions and really listening to what they say\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Allowing them to explore their own interests and passions\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Overall Translation\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The most well-adjusted adults are more likely to have had parents that were loving and warm and did not try to control their thoughts and feelings. These studies are only correlational, so we do not know whether parental care and psychological control actually cause children to grow into well-adjusted adults or were simply associated with this outcome. However, these studies are some of the best evidence that we currently have for understanding how parenting impacts well-being in adulthood. Although these concepts can seem very complicated, it really boils down to simply showing your child love and allowing them the space to have their own thoughts and feelings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>The list of what we are not supposed to say as parents seems to be getting longer— first we were told we could not say “good job,” then “be careful” became off-limits. [For the record, I don’t think there is anything wrong with “good job” or “be careful”— except that these phrases are perhaps not specific enough to communicate most efficiently with your children.] Now the phrase “hurry up” has been effectively cancelled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The recent controversy over “hurry up” seems to stem from \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_uY-PSNOMX/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==\">a post that went viral on Instagram\u003c/a> claiming that the \u003cb>#1 cause of anxiety in children is parents rushing them\u003c/b>. But almost any parent who has young children that go to school or participate in literally \u003ci>any \u003c/i>activity that happens at a certain time has probably tried to rush or hurry their child out the door. So is this a real concern or just another way to make parents feel guilty about very normal behavior?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because I am not one to let parent-shaming happen without at least challenging the source of the claims, I asked the psychologist who made these bold statements whether she could please send me a link to the research to which she was referring. She sent me this \u003ca href=\"https://www.paediatricnursing.net/article/view/11/1-2-3\">article\u003c/a>, which claims that hurried child syndrome leads to stress and depression but does not cite any actual research but only cites other articles on hurried child syndrome that are also not based in any actual research. Furthermore, hurried child syndrome, as described in this article, seems to be a different and broader concept than simply rushing a child to get out the door.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>What is Hurried Child Syndrome?\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So where did this concept come from if it isn’t based in research? Psychologist Dr. David Elkins coined the term “hurried child syndrome” in his book, \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Hurried-Child-25th-anniversary/dp/073821082X\">The Hurried Chil\u003c/a>d, which was originally published in 1981. According to Dr. Elkin, hurried child syndrome is when a child is pushed to grow up “too fast,” such as when a child is over-scheduled with extracurricular activities, pressured to achieve or expected to act older than they are. However, hurried child syndrome is not an official diagnosis used by mental health professionals and it seems to be a more theoretical concept.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>But Does Saying “Hurry Up” Actually Cause Anxiety? \u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So hurried child syndrome seems to be a different concept than simply telling your child to “hurry up” occasionally, but you may still be wondering whether rushing causes anxiety in children. It seems possible that regularly rushing children may cause stress that then leads to more chronic anxiety. However, we currently have \u003ci>no\u003c/i> evidence that saying “hurry up” or rushing a child causes anxiety or any negative outcomes. \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005796723001249\">Research\u003c/a> suggests that anxiety disorders in children are caused by both genetic and environmental factors (translation: both nature and nurture) and it is unlikely that one factor alone would cause an anxiety disorder. \u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\">Some research\u003c/a> has linked parents being overly controlling to anxiety in children. This might look like not allowing your child to make any choices during the getting ready process, not permitting them to have any control whatsoever over their schedule, or doing everything for your child. Yet, asking your child to hurry or rush doesn’t seem to be overly controlling or intrusive. More broadly, \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735806001127\">research\u003c/a> finds that parenting only accounts for 4% of the variance in child anxiety, suggesting that your parenting decisions alone are unlikely to cause an anxiety disorder in your children.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Overall Translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>We have no evidence that hurried child syndrome is a real concern for parents or that asking your child to “hurry up” causes anxiety. However, telling your child to “hurry up” may not be most effective strategy because it isn’t informative and doesn’t teach any skills. In addition, rushing may cause more immediate stress for both you and your child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So what can you do when you feel the need to say “hurry up”?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Be more specific\u003c/b>. There is nothing inherently wrong with saying “hurry up” or rushing your child. However, it does not provide them with information as to what they \u003ci>should \u003c/i>be doing. Although it may seem obvious to us as adults, it isn’t always obvious to kids. For example, instead of “hurry up,” you could say “walk to the car please.” One of my colleagues, \u003ca href=\"https://themompsychologist.com/2023/10/05/what-to-say-instead-of-hurry-up/\">The Mom Psychologis\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://themompsychologist.com/2023/10/05/what-to-say-instead-of-hurry-up/\">t\u003c/a>, recommends that parents give one or two words to tell kids what they need to do such as “shoes” or “breakfast” and I agree that limiting the language can be very helpful for overwhelmed parents and children in these situations\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Help your children to develop time management skills\u003c/b>. Give children a sense of time through timers (visual timers such as the Time Timer can be particularly useful), songs, or other concrete ways of explaining length of time. One of our goals as parents is to teach children to ultimately manage their own time.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Allow more than enough time\u003c/b>. Everything with kids takes longer than you think and a lot of our time pressure is self-induced because we do not allow enough time (and trust me when I say that I know how hard this is— I am guilty of this at least once per day). Instead, aim to be ready 15 minutes before you have to leave, so when the inevitable diaper blowout or missing shoes happen, you won’t stress about being late!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Let them face natural consequences of being late\u003c/b>. This isn’t always possible but try to let your children face the natural consequences of being late whenever you can. Of course you would not want to let your child arrive late for school every day but if you are going somewhere that your child is motivated to arrive on time, such as a birthday party or a movie, allow them to face the natural consequences of being late which might mean they miss some or all of the event. Of course, it is only fair to give them a warning (such as, “I’m going to set a timer for 5 minutes and if we don’t leave before the timer goes off, you will miss some of the movie.”)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Manage your own anxiety when you are running lat\u003c/b>\u003cstrong>e\u003c/strong>. Running late is a common trigger for anxiety in parents and it makes sense because there are real implications for being late as an adult. If you arrived late everyday for work, you would probably lose your job, or at least the respect of your co-workers. Your rising anxiety may be compounded by children who are moving unimaginably slow. However, as you might know from experience, being anxious yourself or losing your cool will only make the situation worse. Stay calm by using coping skills such as deep breathing and self-talk (such as telling yourself “this is not an emergency” or “this isn’t worth losing my peace over”).\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>The list of what we are not supposed to say as parents seems to be getting longer— first we were told we could not say “good job,” then “be careful” became off-limits. [For the record, I don’t think there is anything wrong with “good job” or “be careful”— except that these phrases are perhaps not specific enough to communicate most efficiently with your children.] Now the phrase “hurry up” has been effectively cancelled.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The recent controversy over “hurry up” seems to stem from \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/C_uY-PSNOMX/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==\">a post that went viral on Instagram\u003c/a> claiming that the \u003cb>#1 cause of anxiety in children is parents rushing them\u003c/b>. But almost any parent who has young children that go to school or participate in literally \u003ci>any \u003c/i>activity that happens at a certain time has probably tried to rush or hurry their child out the door. So is this a real concern or just another way to make parents feel guilty about very normal behavior?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Because I am not one to let parent-shaming happen without at least challenging the source of the claims, I asked the psychologist who made these bold statements whether she could please send me a link to the research to which she was referring. She sent me this \u003ca href=\"https://www.paediatricnursing.net/article/view/11/1-2-3\">article\u003c/a>, which claims that hurried child syndrome leads to stress and depression but does not cite any actual research but only cites other articles on hurried child syndrome that are also not based in any actual research. Furthermore, hurried child syndrome, as described in this article, seems to be a different and broader concept than simply rushing a child to get out the door.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>What is Hurried Child Syndrome?\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So where did this concept come from if it isn’t based in research? Psychologist Dr. David Elkins coined the term “hurried child syndrome” in his book, \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/Hurried-Child-25th-anniversary/dp/073821082X\">The Hurried Chil\u003c/a>d, which was originally published in 1981. According to Dr. Elkin, hurried child syndrome is when a child is pushed to grow up “too fast,” such as when a child is over-scheduled with extracurricular activities, pressured to achieve or expected to act older than they are. However, hurried child syndrome is not an official diagnosis used by mental health professionals and it seems to be a more theoretical concept.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>But Does Saying “Hurry Up” Actually Cause Anxiety? \u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So hurried child syndrome seems to be a different concept than simply telling your child to “hurry up” occasionally, but you may still be wondering whether rushing causes anxiety in children. It seems possible that regularly rushing children may cause stress that then leads to more chronic anxiety. However, we currently have \u003ci>no\u003c/i> evidence that saying “hurry up” or rushing a child causes anxiety or any negative outcomes. \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005796723001249\">Research\u003c/a> suggests that anxiety disorders in children are caused by both genetic and environmental factors (translation: both nature and nurture) and it is unlikely that one factor alone would cause an anxiety disorder. \u003ca href=\"https://weiszlab.fas.harvard.edu/files/jweisz/files/mcleod_wood_weisz_2007_clinc_psych_rev_anxiety.pdf\">Some research\u003c/a> has linked parents being overly controlling to anxiety in children. This might look like not allowing your child to make any choices during the getting ready process, not permitting them to have any control whatsoever over their schedule, or doing everything for your child. Yet, asking your child to hurry or rush doesn’t seem to be overly controlling or intrusive. More broadly, \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0272735806001127\">research\u003c/a> finds that parenting only accounts for 4% of the variance in child anxiety, suggesting that your parenting decisions alone are unlikely to cause an anxiety disorder in your children.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Overall Translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>We have no evidence that hurried child syndrome is a real concern for parents or that asking your child to “hurry up” causes anxiety. However, telling your child to “hurry up” may not be most effective strategy because it isn’t informative and doesn’t teach any skills. In addition, rushing may cause more immediate stress for both you and your child.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So what can you do when you feel the need to say “hurry up”?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Be more specific\u003c/b>. There is nothing inherently wrong with saying “hurry up” or rushing your child. However, it does not provide them with information as to what they \u003ci>should \u003c/i>be doing. Although it may seem obvious to us as adults, it isn’t always obvious to kids. For example, instead of “hurry up,” you could say “walk to the car please.” One of my colleagues, \u003ca href=\"https://themompsychologist.com/2023/10/05/what-to-say-instead-of-hurry-up/\">The Mom Psychologis\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://themompsychologist.com/2023/10/05/what-to-say-instead-of-hurry-up/\">t\u003c/a>, recommends that parents give one or two words to tell kids what they need to do such as “shoes” or “breakfast” and I agree that limiting the language can be very helpful for overwhelmed parents and children in these situations\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Help your children to develop time management skills\u003c/b>. Give children a sense of time through timers (visual timers such as the Time Timer can be particularly useful), songs, or other concrete ways of explaining length of time. One of our goals as parents is to teach children to ultimately manage their own time.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Allow more than enough time\u003c/b>. Everything with kids takes longer than you think and a lot of our time pressure is self-induced because we do not allow enough time (and trust me when I say that I know how hard this is— I am guilty of this at least once per day). Instead, aim to be ready 15 minutes before you have to leave, so when the inevitable diaper blowout or missing shoes happen, you won’t stress about being late!\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Let them face natural consequences of being late\u003c/b>. This isn’t always possible but try to let your children face the natural consequences of being late whenever you can. Of course you would not want to let your child arrive late for school every day but if you are going somewhere that your child is motivated to arrive on time, such as a birthday party or a movie, allow them to face the natural consequences of being late which might mean they miss some or all of the event. Of course, it is only fair to give them a warning (such as, “I’m going to set a timer for 5 minutes and if we don’t leave before the timer goes off, you will miss some of the movie.”)\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400;\" aria-level=\"1\">\u003cb>Manage your own anxiety when you are running lat\u003c/b>\u003cstrong>e\u003c/strong>. Running late is a common trigger for anxiety in parents and it makes sense because there are real implications for being late as an adult. If you arrived late everyday for work, you would probably lose your job, or at least the respect of your co-workers. Your rising anxiety may be compounded by children who are moving unimaginably slow. However, as you might know from experience, being anxious yourself or losing your cool will only make the situation worse. Stay calm by using coping skills such as deep breathing and self-talk (such as telling yourself “this is not an emergency” or “this isn’t worth losing my peace over”).\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"title": "What Did the US Surgeon General Say About Parental Stress, And What Can We Do About It?",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ci>This post was originally published by \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/raising-empathetic-children\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>. \u003cem>Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Last week United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/parents/index.html\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">advisory\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> about the current state of parenting and the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/28/opinion/surgeon-general-stress-parents.html\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">unprecedented stress\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and mental health concerns that parents are experiencing. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The surgeon general’s report explains that parents in particular are under an undue amount of stress and that the amount of stress has increased over the past decade. The report cites a 2023 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association that found that 1 in 3 parents (33%) are highly stressed while only 20% of the general population reported this level of stress. In addition, this report found that 41% of parents say that most days they are so stressed that they can’t function, and 48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming. This is clearly not sustainable and serious changes are needed in order to address this situation.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Murthy, who is a parent of a 6-year-old and 7-year-old himself, also highlighted the lack of respect for parenting in our society. He wrote: “In modern society, parenting is often portrayed as a less important, less valued pursuit. Nothing could be further from the truth.” But why is parenting more stressful now than ever before? The advisory cites several factors in parents’ stress levels.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents in the United States are both working longer hours than ever before and spending more time than ever with their children.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> According to the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://data.bls.gov/PDQWeb/tu\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">American Time Use Survey\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, work hours have increased 28% for mothers and 4% for fathers from 1985 to 2022. During the same time period, time spent directly caring for children has increased 40% for mothers and 154% for fathers. If you are thinking that this “math isn’t mathing” and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day — you would be correct. In order to accomplish this, parents (particularly mothers) are spending \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.futuretakes.org/docs/Volume%206%20no%204/v6n4_bookrev1.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">less time on leisure for themselves, spending less time with their partner and sleeping fewer hours\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are financially strained. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">One in four parents (24%) report that there were times in the last year when they did not have enough money for basic needs, such as food or rent. One in five parents (20%) report that they have struggled to pay for child care or health care for their families. This is not surprising, given the cost of child care has skyrocketed in the United States, growing by 26% in the last decade, according to a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2023/04/18/executive-order-on-increasing-access-to-high-quality-care-and-supporting-caregivers/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">White House briefing\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are very worried about their children’s health and safety\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Three quarters (74%) of parents report that the possibility of a school shooting is a significant source of stress. One in five children also have a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://mchb.hrsa.gov/sites/default/files/mchb/programs-impact/nsch-cshcn-data-brief.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">special health care concern\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, such as asthma, ADHD, anxiety, behavioral problems, learning disabilities or a developmental delay) and a child experiencing one of these health problems doubles the risk for mental health concerns in parents.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are isolated and lonely\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Many parents lack community and social support which further increases stress. Among all parents, 65% report experiencing loneliness. That number goes up to 77% among single parents, while only 55% of non-parents report loneliness.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are very concerned about their children’s mental health\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. About three-quarters of parents (76%) worry about their child struggling with anxiety or depression in their lifetime, according to a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Pew Research survey\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. This is a well founded concern given the current mental health crisis among children. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>There are other unprecedented stressors for parents.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> According to a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Pew Research survey,\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> 70% of parents also report that parenting is more difficult now than it was 20 years ago. According to these parents, two of the top reasons for this are social media and technology. In particular, parents are worried that social media use will increase the risk for anxiety/depression, lower self-esteem, bullying, peer pressure and exposure to explicit content. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Why does this matter and what can we do?\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parents are people, too, and we should be concerned about such a large percentage of the population suffering. The stress and mental health of parents also directly impacts the next generation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9749862/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that children with a primary caregiver with poor mental health are twice as likely to have mental, behavioral or developmental concerns and four times more likely to have poor health.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what can be done? Murthy called for changes in policy and cultural norms to reduce the stress of parents. Specific changes that were recommended include: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Change the national discourse\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. We need to talk about how challenging parenting can be and all of the stressors that parents face. We need to recognize that parenting is a real job that is just as important as any paying job. Schools and other community organizations can start a dialogue about parent stress and help to destigmatize mental health concerns in parents.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Governments and communities need to provide emotional and practical support for parents.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> We need policy changes and community involvement in ways that provide practical and emotional support to parents. Policy changes recommended by Murthy include such as universal preschool, paid family and medical leave and access to high quality mental health care. We also need more social programs that provide opportunities for parents to connect with each other in genuine ways.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Employers also need to support working parents\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Employers need to create policies and programs that support working parents and allow for work-life balance.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While we are all waiting for these policy and systemic changes, what can we do? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Accept that parenting is extremely challenging, particularly when you live in a country like the United States that doesn’t provide a lot of support for parents.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> If you are struggling, it is because you are in a system that is setting you up to fail, not because there is something wrong with you.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Recognize the importance of connection.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Connection with others is key to reducing stress and improving mental health. Even though it is challenging, find time for connection — talk to a friend on the phone while you fold laundry, schedule regular play dates with other parents and their kids, get together with a neighbor after your kids go to bed, strike up a conversation with other parents at the park, etc.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Educate yourself about different mental health conditions that parents and children may face and seek professional help when necessary\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">National Institute for Mental Health website\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> has information on common mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.samhsa.gov/find-support\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Findsupport.gov\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> is also a great free resource with information about how to know when you need help and how to find a mental health professional or program. If you are having a mental health crisis or considering hurting yourself, you can call or text 988 for free and confidential support in the United States.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Try a different kind of self-care.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> This report recommends making time for self-care but adding self-care can also feel like a burden on an already overwhelmed parent’s to-do list. If a parent feels pressure to wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to exercise or meditate, it may actually increase stress (or at least reduce sleep). It might be more helpful to rethink self-care. Think about what you already do in a day and where you can add joy or peace. For example, listen to an audiobook or a meditation app during your commute to work, go for a walk with your family after dinner instead of watching a TV show, run errands with your partner or a friend to make them more fun, clean the kitchen while your kids are still awake so you can go to bed earlier, include your children in activities that you love such as baking or gardening, etc.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Murthy summed up the core message of this report with this statement: “Something has to change … Raising children is sacred work. It should matter to all of us.” Now is the time for real change to give parents the support they deserve for this sacred and important work.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003ci>Parenting Translator\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ci>This post was originally published by \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/raising-empathetic-children\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>. \u003cem>Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Last week United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.hhs.gov/surgeongeneral/priorities/parents/index.html\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">advisory\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> about the current state of parenting and the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2024/08/28/opinion/surgeon-general-stress-parents.html\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">unprecedented stress\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and mental health concerns that parents are experiencing. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The surgeon general’s report explains that parents in particular are under an undue amount of stress and that the amount of stress has increased over the past decade. The report cites a 2023 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association that found that 1 in 3 parents (33%) are highly stressed while only 20% of the general population reported this level of stress. In addition, this report found that 41% of parents say that most days they are so stressed that they can’t function, and 48% of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming. This is clearly not sustainable and serious changes are needed in order to address this situation.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Murthy, who is a parent of a 6-year-old and 7-year-old himself, also highlighted the lack of respect for parenting in our society. He wrote: “In modern society, parenting is often portrayed as a less important, less valued pursuit. Nothing could be further from the truth.” But why is parenting more stressful now than ever before? The advisory cites several factors in parents’ stress levels.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents in the United States are both working longer hours than ever before and spending more time than ever with their children.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> According to the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://data.bls.gov/PDQWeb/tu\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">American Time Use Survey\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, work hours have increased 28% for mothers and 4% for fathers from 1985 to 2022. During the same time period, time spent directly caring for children has increased 40% for mothers and 154% for fathers. If you are thinking that this “math isn’t mathing” and there simply aren’t enough hours in the day — you would be correct. In order to accomplish this, parents (particularly mothers) are spending \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.futuretakes.org/docs/Volume%206%20no%204/v6n4_bookrev1.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">less time on leisure for themselves, spending less time with their partner and sleeping fewer hours\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are financially strained. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">One in four parents (24%) report that there were times in the last year when they did not have enough money for basic needs, such as food or rent. One in five parents (20%) report that they have struggled to pay for child care or health care for their families. This is not surprising, given the cost of child care has skyrocketed in the United States, growing by 26% in the last decade, according to a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2023/04/18/executive-order-on-increasing-access-to-high-quality-care-and-supporting-caregivers/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">White House briefing\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are very worried about their children’s health and safety\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Three quarters (74%) of parents report that the possibility of a school shooting is a significant source of stress. One in five children also have a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://mchb.hrsa.gov/sites/default/files/mchb/programs-impact/nsch-cshcn-data-brief.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">special health care concern\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, such as asthma, ADHD, anxiety, behavioral problems, learning disabilities or a developmental delay) and a child experiencing one of these health problems doubles the risk for mental health concerns in parents.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are isolated and lonely\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Many parents lack community and social support which further increases stress. Among all parents, 65% report experiencing loneliness. That number goes up to 77% among single parents, while only 55% of non-parents report loneliness.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Parents are very concerned about their children’s mental health\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. About three-quarters of parents (76%) worry about their child struggling with anxiety or depression in their lifetime, according to a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Pew Research survey\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. This is a well founded concern given the current mental health crisis among children. \u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>There are other unprecedented stressors for parents.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> According to a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Pew Research survey,\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> 70% of parents also report that parenting is more difficult now than it was 20 years ago. According to these parents, two of the top reasons for this are social media and technology. 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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">So what can be done? Murthy called for changes in policy and cultural norms to reduce the stress of parents. Specific changes that were recommended include: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Change the national discourse\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. We need to talk about how challenging parenting can be and all of the stressors that parents face. We need to recognize that parenting is a real job that is just as important as any paying job. Schools and other community organizations can start a dialogue about parent stress and help to destigmatize mental health concerns in parents.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Governments and communities need to provide emotional and practical support for parents.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> We need policy changes and community involvement in ways that provide practical and emotional support to parents. Policy changes recommended by Murthy include such as universal preschool, paid family and medical leave and access to high quality mental health care. We also need more social programs that provide opportunities for parents to connect with each other in genuine ways.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Employers also need to support working parents\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Employers need to create policies and programs that support working parents and allow for work-life balance.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While we are all waiting for these policy and systemic changes, what can we do? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Accept that parenting is extremely challenging, particularly when you live in a country like the United States that doesn’t provide a lot of support for parents.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> If you are struggling, it is because you are in a system that is setting you up to fail, not because there is something wrong with you.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Recognize the importance of connection.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Connection with others is key to reducing stress and improving mental health. Even though it is challenging, find time for connection — talk to a friend on the phone while you fold laundry, schedule regular play dates with other parents and their kids, get together with a neighbor after your kids go to bed, strike up a conversation with other parents at the park, etc.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Educate yourself about different mental health conditions that parents and children may face and seek professional help when necessary\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">National Institute for Mental Health website\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> has information on common mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.samhsa.gov/find-support\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Findsupport.gov\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> is also a great free resource with information about how to know when you need help and how to find a mental health professional or program. If you are having a mental health crisis or considering hurting yourself, you can call or text 988 for free and confidential support in the United States.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003cb>Try a different kind of self-care.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> This report recommends making time for self-care but adding self-care can also feel like a burden on an already overwhelmed parent’s to-do list. If a parent feels pressure to wake up at 5 a.m. every morning to exercise or meditate, it may actually increase stress (or at least reduce sleep). It might be more helpful to rethink self-care. Think about what you already do in a day and where you can add joy or peace. For example, listen to an audiobook or a meditation app during your commute to work, go for a walk with your family after dinner instead of watching a TV show, run errands with your partner or a friend to make them more fun, clean the kitchen while your kids are still awake so you can go to bed earlier, include your children in activities that you love such as baking or gardening, etc.\u003c/span>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Murthy summed up the core message of this report with this statement: “Something has to change … Raising children is sacred work. It should matter to all of us.” Now is the time for real change to give parents the support they deserve for this sacred and important work.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"title": "To Raise Empathetic Children, Parents Must Practice Empathy Themselves",
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"headTitle": "To Raise Empathetic Children, Parents Must Practice Empathy Themselves | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This post was originally published by \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/raising-empathetic-children\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>. \u003cem>Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Empathy, or the ability to understand and share in the experience of emotions with others, is an essential element of all human relationships. Research also supports the importance of empathy, finding that more empathetic individuals have \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-020-01753-x\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">better quality friendships\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jopy.12098\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">enhanced social skills\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, and are \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-019-00154-2\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">more satisfied with their lives\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> — to name just a few of the benefits. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In a world that seems increasingly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53476/how-selective-empathy-can-chip-away-at-civil-society\">divided and cold\u003c/a>, many of us parents want to raise more empathetic children but how exactly do parents \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/54497/why-intentionally-building-empathy-is-more-important-now-than-ever\">foster empathy\u003c/a>? If we are empathetic with our children, will they show the same to others? And will the empathy that we show to them ultimately help them to become empathetic adults?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cdev.14109\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> looked at how empathy is passed down from parents to children and then to those children’s children. This study looked at a mother’s empathy for their child at age 13 and how it related to the child’s empathy for their friends during the teen years (from ages 13 to 19). The researchers then followed the teens up to adulthood (mid-30’s) and looked at how empathetic they were with their own children (the third generation). \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Main findings\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This study found that when children have parents who are more empathetic at age 13, they are more empathetic with their friends during the teen years (ages 13 to 19). Being more empathetic with their friends in their teen years was then associated with being more empathetic with their own children as adults (that is, showing more supportive responses to their children’s negative feelings). Supportive, empathetic parenting of their own children then predicted their children’s development of em\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">pathy (that is, the children in the third generation).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How is empathy “passed down” in this way? When parents respond to children’s distress in a supportive, empathetic way, it gives children a model for how to respond to the distress of others. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">Friendships in the teen years\u003c/a> may then give children a chance to practice and hone the empathy skills that they learned from their parents in childhood. Researchers describe these friendships as a “training ground” for learning about empathy. In other words, when children get the chance to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/63506/young-children-need-help-identifying-emotions-little-safe-place-boxes-give-them-tools\">practice skills like validating emotions\u003c/a> and providing comfort to other people in their teenage friendships, these skills become stronger and more effective. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This study was limited and further research is needed on this topic. It was a relatively small and correlational study (meaning we do not know whether empathy in parents actually contributes to empathy in children but only that they are associated). This study also only focused on mother-child interactions so future research should include fathers. Finally, this study did not address the extent to which empathy is passed down due to genetics or modeling the empathy your parents show you (it is likely a combination of both).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Yet, even with these limitations, these findings are exciting because they suggest that empathy may be passed down three generations: from parent to teen then to the third generation of children. It also suggests that friendships in the teen years may provide practice for being empathetic in adult relationships, including the parent-child relationship. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The big takeaway message here is that the empathy you show your child may ultimately help your child to develop into an empathetic adult who is then more empathetic with your grandchildren. How exactly do you show empathy to your child? This study broke down empathy into three components and understanding each of these components may provide concrete guidance for showing empathy to your children:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Emotional engagement\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Pay attention to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/64150/are-some-children-really-more-sensitive-research-says-yes-but-it-varies-by-situation\">what your child is feeling\u003c/a> and/or showing with their body, allow them time to talk or show their emotions, ask follow-up questions to better understand their emotions and use active listening (translation: reflect back what you hear them say or show with their actions, such as: “It seems like you are angry because your brother won’t give you a turn”). Turn your body toward your child and make eye contact. Show genuine interest in their emotions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Understanding the problem\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Acknowledge that it is a problem (rather than minimizing it by saying something like “that’s not a big deal), help your child to engage in problem-solving, talk through the problem and try to come up with a solution to the problem together, show them you are committed to finding a solution and consider their needs when coming up with solutions.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Emotional support\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Recognize that your child is distressed, express to your child that you understand their feelings, name their feelings, ask questions that might bring up additional emotions, clearly show warmth, concern and sympathy when discussing the child’s emotions\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Engaging in these empathy-expressing behaviors will teach your children how to show the same to others. However, we all know that empathy is more than a set of behaviors. To quote author Brené Brown from her book \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Daring Greatly\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: “Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of three and the founder of \u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003ci>Parenting Translator\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This post was originally published by \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/raising-empathetic-children\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>. \u003cem>Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Empathy, or the ability to understand and share in the experience of emotions with others, is an essential element of all human relationships. Research also supports the importance of empathy, finding that more empathetic individuals have \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-020-01753-x\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">better quality friendships\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jopy.12098\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">enhanced social skills\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, and are \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-019-00154-2\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">more satisfied with their lives\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> — to name just a few of the benefits. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In a world that seems increasingly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53476/how-selective-empathy-can-chip-away-at-civil-society\">divided and cold\u003c/a>, many of us parents want to raise more empathetic children but how exactly do parents \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/54497/why-intentionally-building-empathy-is-more-important-now-than-ever\">foster empathy\u003c/a>? If we are empathetic with our children, will they show the same to others? And will the empathy that we show to them ultimately help them to become empathetic adults?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cdev.14109\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">recent study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> looked at how empathy is passed down from parents to children and then to those children’s children. This study looked at a mother’s empathy for their child at age 13 and how it related to the child’s empathy for their friends during the teen years (from ages 13 to 19). The researchers then followed the teens up to adulthood (mid-30’s) and looked at how empathetic they were with their own children (the third generation). \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Main findings\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This study found that when children have parents who are more empathetic at age 13, they are more empathetic with their friends during the teen years (ages 13 to 19). Being more empathetic with their friends in their teen years was then associated with being more empathetic with their own children as adults (that is, showing more supportive responses to their children’s negative feelings). Supportive, empathetic parenting of their own children then predicted their children’s development of em\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">pathy (that is, the children in the third generation).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">How is empathy “passed down” in this way? When parents respond to children’s distress in a supportive, empathetic way, it gives children a model for how to respond to the distress of others. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">Friendships in the teen years\u003c/a> may then give children a chance to practice and hone the empathy skills that they learned from their parents in childhood. Researchers describe these friendships as a “training ground” for learning about empathy. In other words, when children get the chance to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/63506/young-children-need-help-identifying-emotions-little-safe-place-boxes-give-them-tools\">practice skills like validating emotions\u003c/a> and providing comfort to other people in their teenage friendships, these skills become stronger and more effective. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This study was limited and further research is needed on this topic. It was a relatively small and correlational study (meaning we do not know whether empathy in parents actually contributes to empathy in children but only that they are associated). This study also only focused on mother-child interactions so future research should include fathers. Finally, this study did not address the extent to which empathy is passed down due to genetics or modeling the empathy your parents show you (it is likely a combination of both).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Yet, even with these limitations, these findings are exciting because they suggest that empathy may be passed down three generations: from parent to teen then to the third generation of children. It also suggests that friendships in the teen years may provide practice for being empathetic in adult relationships, including the parent-child relationship. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The big takeaway message here is that the empathy you show your child may ultimately help your child to develop into an empathetic adult who is then more empathetic with your grandchildren. How exactly do you show empathy to your child? This study broke down empathy into three components and understanding each of these components may provide concrete guidance for showing empathy to your children:\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Emotional engagement\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Pay attention to \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/64150/are-some-children-really-more-sensitive-research-says-yes-but-it-varies-by-situation\">what your child is feeling\u003c/a> and/or showing with their body, allow them time to talk or show their emotions, ask follow-up questions to better understand their emotions and use active listening (translation: reflect back what you hear them say or show with their actions, such as: “It seems like you are angry because your brother won’t give you a turn”). Turn your body toward your child and make eye contact. Show genuine interest in their emotions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Understanding the problem\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Acknowledge that it is a problem (rather than minimizing it by saying something like “that’s not a big deal), help your child to engage in problem-solving, talk through the problem and try to come up with a solution to the problem together, show them you are committed to finding a solution and consider their needs when coming up with solutions.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Emotional support\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Recognize that your child is distressed, express to your child that you understand their feelings, name their feelings, ask questions that might bring up additional emotions, clearly show warmth, concern and sympathy when discussing the child’s emotions\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Engaging in these empathy-expressing behaviors will teach your children how to show the same to others. However, we all know that empathy is more than a set of behaviors. To quote author Brené Brown from her book \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Daring Greatly\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: “Empathy is a strange and powerful thing. There is no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting and communicating that incredibly healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of three and the founder of \u003c/i>\u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003ci>Parenting Translator\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003ci>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "can-noticing-glimmers-reduce-parenting-stress",
"title": "Can Noticing \"Glimmers\" Reduce Parenting Stress?",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was originally published by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anyone who has been a parent for more than two seconds knows that parenting is not all sunshine and rainbows. Yet, parents also know that there are magical moments in parenting that make it all worth it — like getting a gummy smile from your baby or being handed a bouquet of wildflowers that your child picked just for you. Recently, there has been a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/erinmagilton/p/CtrFUmauCsH/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">movement on social media \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">to recognize and appreciate these “glimmers,” or \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/C4d-m3DM9KZ/\">moments of joy\u003c/a>. While this idea is discussed as a more general life hack on social media, it seems particularly applicable to the lives of parents which seems to be a stress-filled existence punctuated by fleeting glimmers. So can focusing on the glimmers of joy we experience as parents help us to be less stressed out and more content? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What are glimmers?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Glimmers are seemingly insignificant, fleeting moments that trigger \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/CnpQ_LMsv4t/\">positive feelings\u003c/a>. Glimmers can include any events, objects, people or situations that give you a sense of calm, peace or joy. Glimmers are purported to be \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/C3TVnK_hWmX/\">the opposite of triggers\u003c/a>, which are reminders of trauma or cues that bring up negative feelings. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Examples of glimmers in parenting can include: really noticing the beauty in your child’s face, hearing your child mispronounce a word in the most adorable way, feeling your child snuggle up to you as you read them a book at night, singing a song together in the car on the way to school, your child saying “I love you” or “thank you,” or getting a drawing your child made for you at school. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This concept is not new. Author Glennon Doyle also discussed these parenting moments in 2012 on her blog Momastery, referring to them as “Kairos time.” She explains that Kairos time is \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“those magical moments when time stands still\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.” In her blog post she writes, “these kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">kairos\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in my head each time…And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>The science behind glimmers\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While the concept of glimmers is incredibly compelling, there is no research yet that directly examines this experience. Yet, many of the explanations on social media seem to suggest that glimmers are backed by solid neuroscience research. So where do these explanations come from? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Glimmers were first described by social worker and therapist Deb Dana in her 2018 book \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. In the book, Dana provides a convincing neuroscience explanation for why glimmers are important. She claims that the positive impact of glimmers can be explained by polyvagal theory. This theory focuses on the function of the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to important organs such as the heart, lungs and digestive system and has two parts — dorsal and ventral. According to this theory, the dorsal vagus nerve response is the “freeze” that happens in times of intense fear, while the ventral vagus response calms and regulates our nervous system. Dana argues that glimmers activate the ventral vagus nerve response. However, this theory is increasingly \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051123001060?via%3Dihub\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">questioned\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> by scientists, as the scientific evidence for the vagus nerve response is really lacking. The other claims in this book, such as glimmers reducing anxiety or being particularly helpful for individuals who have experienced trauma, also have not been backed by research. This is a great example of a concept called \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Octavia-Wiseman-2/publication/302249658_Neuroscience_or_neurobabble_How_science_informs_parenting_policy/links/572f1ff708ae3736095c02f4/Neuroscience-or-neurobabble-How-science-informs-parenting-policy.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“neurobabble”\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> — which is the idea that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2778755/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">people are more likely to believe scientific findings when they have a neuroscience explanation\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Regardless of this potential neurobabble and the lack of research on this topic, glimmers might still be important because they fit in perfectly with our understanding of positive psychology (translation: the field of research studying how to maximize happiness and life satisfaction). First, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.791040/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that focusing on savoring an experience as you might when noticing a glimmer is associated with increased happiness during times of stress. We also have research showing that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">noticing moments of gratitude is associated with increased happiness and life satisfaction.\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Another \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">line of research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that finding meaning in your daily activities is associated with more happiness. Glimmers also encourage mindfulness (translation: paying attention to the present moment), which research finds can help parents to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">control their own emotions in challenging parenting situations\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, have more compassion for themselves and their child, and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01336/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduce parenting stress\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">We don’t have any research on the concept of glimmers specifically but the positive psychology research we do have suggests that noticing glimmers might be helpful for you as a parent (and as a human more generally). This line of research also provides some suggestions for noticing and appreciating glimmers: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Savor the glimmer moments.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.791040/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that savoring the moments when you experience a glimmer might help to maximize happiness during challenging times. Savoring could include reflecting on a positive moment from the past, noticing a positive moment in the present, or anticipating a positive moment in the future. So when you are dealing with the daily hassles of parenting, try reflecting on past glimmer moments, noticing the glimmer moments right in front of you and thinking of what glimmer moments you might experience in the future. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Make note or mark the experience of glimmers in some way\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> we have on gratitude suggests that making gratitude lists is associated with increased happiness and life satisfaction. Try to keep a “glimmer journal” or write a note on your phone to keep track of the glimmers you experience. If you don’t have time to write down the glimmers (a very common experience among busy parents), then in your head or even out loud mark the moment as a “glimmer.” Take a moment to thank a higher power or even your child for this special experience. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Think about the meaning behind glimmers. \u003c/b>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00686/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that noticing meaning in activities of daily life is associated with increased happiness. When a glimmer occurs, think about why it is personally significant for you. For example, if your children hug each other, think about how your children having a close sibling bond is so important to you as a parent. If your child says something sweet to you, think about how wonderful it is to be raising a kind child. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Be present.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Glimmers occur in the present moment, so you need to be present to notice them. The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research on mindfulness\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> suggests that simply being present may have a positive impact on parenting. One way to be more present is the 5-4-3-2-1 method, in which you notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. If your phone is a distraction, as it is for so many of us, try putting it in another room while you are with your child. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>5. Enjoy what you have rather than always wishing it were better. \u003c/b>\u003ca href=\"https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=9b3092c077fea605cce2df2ff58a56a838e6c72b\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that some people tend to be satisfied with what they have while some people are always looking for better. Being satisfied with what you have might help you to experience more glimmers. For example, rather than thinking that you should be on a fabulous beach vacation, notice how nice it is to eat popsicles with your child on a hot summer day. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>6. Adjust your schedule to make room for glimmers.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Notice when and where you experience glimmers. Then try to maximize them in your life by scheduling activities that help you to experience more glimmers. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://www.behavioralactivationtech.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Cuijpers-et-al_2007.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that intentionally scheduling positive activities that you enjoy improves your mood. For example, you might notice more glimmers when you are outside in nature with your kids or when you are cuddling with you kids in bed. Prioritize these moments with your children and wait for the glimmers to occur naturally!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was originally published by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Anyone who has been a parent for more than two seconds knows that parenting is not all sunshine and rainbows. Yet, parents also know that there are magical moments in parenting that make it all worth it — like getting a gummy smile from your baby or being handed a bouquet of wildflowers that your child picked just for you. Recently, there has been a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/erinmagilton/p/CtrFUmauCsH/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">movement on social media \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">to recognize and appreciate these “glimmers,” or \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/C4d-m3DM9KZ/\">moments of joy\u003c/a>. While this idea is discussed as a more general life hack on social media, it seems particularly applicable to the lives of parents which seems to be a stress-filled existence punctuated by fleeting glimmers. So can focusing on the glimmers of joy we experience as parents help us to be less stressed out and more content? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>What are glimmers?\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Glimmers are seemingly insignificant, fleeting moments that trigger \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/CnpQ_LMsv4t/\">positive feelings\u003c/a>. Glimmers can include any events, objects, people or situations that give you a sense of calm, peace or joy. Glimmers are purported to be \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/C3TVnK_hWmX/\">the opposite of triggers\u003c/a>, which are reminders of trauma or cues that bring up negative feelings. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Examples of glimmers in parenting can include: really noticing the beauty in your child’s face, hearing your child mispronounce a word in the most adorable way, feeling your child snuggle up to you as you read them a book at night, singing a song together in the car on the way to school, your child saying “I love you” or “thank you,” or getting a drawing your child made for you at school. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">This concept is not new. Author Glennon Doyle also discussed these parenting moments in 2012 on her blog Momastery, referring to them as “Kairos time.” She explains that Kairos time is \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“those magical moments when time stands still\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.” In her blog post she writes, “these kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">kairos\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in my head each time…And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>The science behind glimmers\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">While the concept of glimmers is incredibly compelling, there is no research yet that directly examines this experience. Yet, many of the explanations on social media seem to suggest that glimmers are backed by solid neuroscience research. So where do these explanations come from? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Glimmers were first described by social worker and therapist Deb Dana in her 2018 book \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. In the book, Dana provides a convincing neuroscience explanation for why glimmers are important. She claims that the positive impact of glimmers can be explained by polyvagal theory. This theory focuses on the function of the vagus nerve, which connects the brain to important organs such as the heart, lungs and digestive system and has two parts — dorsal and ventral. According to this theory, the dorsal vagus nerve response is the “freeze” that happens in times of intense fear, while the ventral vagus response calms and regulates our nervous system. Dana argues that glimmers activate the ventral vagus nerve response. However, this theory is increasingly \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0301051123001060?via%3Dihub\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">questioned\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> by scientists, as the scientific evidence for the vagus nerve response is really lacking. The other claims in this book, such as glimmers reducing anxiety or being particularly helpful for individuals who have experienced trauma, also have not been backed by research. This is a great example of a concept called \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Octavia-Wiseman-2/publication/302249658_Neuroscience_or_neurobabble_How_science_informs_parenting_policy/links/572f1ff708ae3736095c02f4/Neuroscience-or-neurobabble-How-science-informs-parenting-policy.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“neurobabble”\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> — which is the idea that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2778755/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">people are more likely to believe scientific findings when they have a neuroscience explanation\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Regardless of this potential neurobabble and the lack of research on this topic, glimmers might still be important because they fit in perfectly with our understanding of positive psychology (translation: the field of research studying how to maximize happiness and life satisfaction). First, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.791040/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that focusing on savoring an experience as you might when noticing a glimmer is associated with increased happiness during times of stress. We also have research showing that \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">noticing moments of gratitude is associated with increased happiness and life satisfaction.\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Another \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">line of research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that finding meaning in your daily activities is associated with more happiness. Glimmers also encourage mindfulness (translation: paying attention to the present moment), which research finds can help parents to \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">control their own emotions in challenging parenting situations\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, have more compassion for themselves and their child, and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01336/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduce parenting stress\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">We don’t have any research on the concept of glimmers specifically but the positive psychology research we do have suggests that noticing glimmers might be helpful for you as a parent (and as a human more generally). This line of research also provides some suggestions for noticing and appreciating glimmers: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Savor the glimmer moments.\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.791040/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that savoring the moments when you experience a glimmer might help to maximize happiness during challenging times. Savoring could include reflecting on a positive moment from the past, noticing a positive moment in the present, or anticipating a positive moment in the future. So when you are dealing with the daily hassles of parenting, try reflecting on past glimmer moments, noticing the glimmer moments right in front of you and thinking of what glimmer moments you might experience in the future. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Make note or mark the experience of glimmers in some way\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00584/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> we have on gratitude suggests that making gratitude lists is associated with increased happiness and life satisfaction. Try to keep a “glimmer journal” or write a note on your phone to keep track of the glimmers you experience. If you don’t have time to write down the glimmers (a very common experience among busy parents), then in your head or even out loud mark the moment as a “glimmer.” Take a moment to thank a higher power or even your child for this special experience. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Think about the meaning behind glimmers. \u003c/b>\u003ca href=\"https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00686/full\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that noticing meaning in activities of daily life is associated with increased happiness. When a glimmer occurs, think about why it is personally significant for you. For example, if your children hug each other, think about how your children having a close sibling bond is so important to you as a parent. If your child says something sweet to you, think about how wonderful it is to be raising a kind child. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Be present.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Glimmers occur in the present moment, so you need to be present to notice them. The \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10567-009-0046-3\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research on mindfulness\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> suggests that simply being present may have a positive impact on parenting. One way to be more present is the 5-4-3-2-1 method, in which you notice five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. If your phone is a distraction, as it is for so many of us, try putting it in another room while you are with your child. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>5. Enjoy what you have rather than always wishing it were better. \u003c/b>\u003ca href=\"https://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/document?repid=rep1&type=pdf&doi=9b3092c077fea605cce2df2ff58a56a838e6c72b\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that some people tend to be satisfied with what they have while some people are always looking for better. Being satisfied with what you have might help you to experience more glimmers. For example, rather than thinking that you should be on a fabulous beach vacation, notice how nice it is to eat popsicles with your child on a hot summer day. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>6. Adjust your schedule to make room for glimmers.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Notice when and where you experience glimmers. Then try to maximize them in your life by scheduling activities that help you to experience more glimmers. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://www.behavioralactivationtech.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Cuijpers-et-al_2007.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that intentionally scheduling positive activities that you enjoy improves your mood. For example, you might notice more glimmers when you are outside in nature with your kids or when you are cuddling with you kids in bed. Prioritize these moments with your children and wait for the glimmers to occur naturally!\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "are-some-children-really-more-sensitive-research-says-yes-but-it-varies-by-situation",
"title": "Are Some Children Really More Sensitive? Research Says Yes, But It Varies by Situation",
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"headTitle": "Are Some Children Really More Sensitive? Research Says Yes, But It Varies by Situation | KQED",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/understanding-your-sensitive-child\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Sensitive children often get a bad rap. They can be labeled as “difficult,” “dramatic” or “spoiled,” and often parents are blamed for coddling or over-accommodating them. Yet, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9666332/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> increasingly suggests that children show real differences in sensitivity and respond to parenting differently as a result. In other words, some children really \u003cem>are\u003c/em> more sensitive than other children and it isn’t just an excuse that parents use for “misbehavior.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">One way that researchers have conceptualized sensitive children is the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nature.com/articles/s41398-017-0090-6.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Orchid-Dandelion metaphor\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. According to this metaphor, some children are orchids, meaning they thrive only under ideal conditions and are very sensitive to changes in their environment. Orchid children are contrasted with dandelion children, meaning children that can flourish in any environment and who are not very sensitive to environmental changes. According to this study, about 31% of people are orchids and 29% are dandelions. Researchers also found that about 40% of people are tulips, meaning they show a level of sensitivity somewhere in between dandelions and orchids (that is, they don’t necessarily need ideal conditions like orchids but can’t flourish in any condition like dandelions). \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/4ADAF88C7F63FF2C2CDE99880943C3B7/S0954579421000821a.pdf/div-class-title-beyond-orchids-and-dandelions-susceptibility-to-environmental-influences-is-not-bimodal-div.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some researchers\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> argue that the Orchid-Dandelion metaphor is an oversimplification and that sensitivity occurs on a spectrum. Researchers also argue that most children are not simply sensitive across the board but show a unique profile of sensitivities. For example, your child may be very sensitive to changes in their sleep but not very sensitive to changes in their routine, or they may be the pickiest eater but can jump into any new situation without hesitating. Although the Orchid-Dandelion metaphor may be an oversimplification, it does help us to understand that sensitivity is all about how children respond to their environment. Being sensitive doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with the child themselves. Rather, it means that we might have to alter the environment in order to optimally meet their needs.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Sensitivity in children is also discussed in the framework of being a “highly sensitive person” (HSP). This term was coined by psychologist Elaine Aron in 1997 in her book, \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Being a highly sensitive person is not an official diagnosis or mental condition, but \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9248053/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that it is a personality difference characterized by being more hesitant in new situations and showing more sensitivity in sensory input (such as being more reactive to pain, noise or lack of sleep). \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4086365/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also finds real neurobiological differences in how highly sensitive individuals respond to their environment.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A recent study provides some new insights into sensitivity in children and what we can do as parents. This \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/desc.13531\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">new study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> looked at how a child’s sensitivity impacts their development later in life and found some interesting results. This study looked at how sensitive children were to the following influences at age 3: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>1. Parent praise\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>2. Parent stress\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>3. Child mood\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>4. Child sleep\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Any parent of a toddler (especially any parent of a sensitive toddler) will get a kick out of this — the researchers measured sensitivity of children during toothbrushing. Parents submitted videos of their children during toothbrushing for two weeks and kept diaries of their children’s moods and sleep. An interesting aside is that this research group found in a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8930564/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">previous study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that children brushed their teeth for longer when their parents used more praise and less direct instruction and on days when they were in a better mood. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When the children were 5 to 7 years old, researchers asked parents to report on the child’s problems, including both behavioral and mental health problems. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers found the following: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Some children are more sensitive to praise from their parents and this type of sensitivity is linked with fewer problems later in life:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Children who were more sensitive to their parents’ praise at age 3 showed fewer behavior problems and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety at age 5 to 7. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Some children are more sensitive to changes in their own mood and this type of sensitivity is linked with more problems later in life\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children whose behavior was more impacted by their own mood at age 3 showed more symptoms of depression and anxiety at age 5 to 7. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Praise from parents regardless of child sensitivity is linked with fewer behavior problems:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When parents praised their children more frequently and more consistently at age 3, their children show fewer behavior problems at age 5 to 7. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Sensitivity to mood and parent stress are related\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children who were more sensitive to changes in their own mood were also more sensitive to changes in their parent’s stress. However, sensitivity to parent stress was not related to problems later in life. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you have a more sensitive child, you can rest assured that it isn’t all in your head and it isn’t your fault. We need more research on this topic, but the research we have suggests some ways that parents can think about sensitive children and support these children to the best of their ability. So how might this research influence your parenting? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Remember that sensitivity isn’t necessarily a bad thing. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The children who were more sensitive to praise in the study described above showed fewer problems later in life. We need more research on this topic but it is possible that sensitive children may have the advantage of being more sensitive to some positive influences as well. Make sure you notice some of the positive impacts of your child’s sensitive nature rather than only focusing on the negative impacts. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Accept that some children are just more sensitive, but sensitivity may be more complicated than you think\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. This study, along with previous research, suggests that children may be differently sensitive to different influences. In other words, you shouldn’t assume that your child (or any child) is generally “sensitive” but rather it might be more helpful to think about the specific situations that trigger sensitivity. For example, your child may be more sensitive to influences at home than at school. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Teach new skills to children who are sensitive to changes in their own mood. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The study described above found that the children who were less sensitive to changes in their own mood showed less behavior problems later in childhood. We can support these more sensitive children by teaching them coping skills so behavior doesn’t have to always be dictated by their mood. This does not mean that you are teaching your child not to experience the emotion — only that emotions don’t always have to change their behavior. This is often the goal of therapy for both adults and children. Coping skills could include deep breathing, taking a break and self-talk, such as telling themselves, “Even though I am nervous, I can still do it!”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Know your child and provide extra support to them in the areas that they are more sensitive.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Think about your own child. When do they show orchid, dandelion and tulip behavior? Sensitivity in children is all about how children respond to their environment. So think about how you can change the environment to help them. For example, if you have a child that is very sensitive to changes in plans, you can prepare them for the possibility of any changes or help them to learn coping strategies to handle these changes. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>5. Regardless of sensitivity, praise your child frequently and consistently\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Previous \u003ca href=\"https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-translator/202203/should-parents-really-stop-praising-their-children\">research\u003c/a> finds many benefits of praise. The study described above adds to this by suggesting that, if your child seems to respond well to praise, it is even more important to praise them frequently and consistently. This study did not look at the type of praise but \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Andrei-Cimpian/publication/6360300_Subtle_Linguistic_Cues_Affect_Children%27s_Motivation/links/5e9ccd4d299bf13079aa3266/Subtle-Linguistic-Cues-Affect-Childrens-Motivation.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">previous research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that parents should praise based on effort and hard work rather than characteristics of the child, such as, “You did a great job listening to me” vs. “You are a good listener.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/understanding-your-sensitive-child\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Sensitive children often get a bad rap. They can be labeled as “difficult,” “dramatic” or “spoiled,” and often parents are blamed for coddling or over-accommodating them. Yet, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9666332/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> increasingly suggests that children show real differences in sensitivity and respond to parenting differently as a result. In other words, some children really \u003cem>are\u003c/em> more sensitive than other children and it isn’t just an excuse that parents use for “misbehavior.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">One way that researchers have conceptualized sensitive children is the \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.nature.com/articles/s41398-017-0090-6.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Orchid-Dandelion metaphor\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. According to this metaphor, some children are orchids, meaning they thrive only under ideal conditions and are very sensitive to changes in their environment. Orchid children are contrasted with dandelion children, meaning children that can flourish in any environment and who are not very sensitive to environmental changes. According to this study, about 31% of people are orchids and 29% are dandelions. Researchers also found that about 40% of people are tulips, meaning they show a level of sensitivity somewhere in between dandelions and orchids (that is, they don’t necessarily need ideal conditions like orchids but can’t flourish in any condition like dandelions). \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.cambridge.org/core/services/aop-cambridge-core/content/view/4ADAF88C7F63FF2C2CDE99880943C3B7/S0954579421000821a.pdf/div-class-title-beyond-orchids-and-dandelions-susceptibility-to-environmental-influences-is-not-bimodal-div.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some researchers\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> argue that the Orchid-Dandelion metaphor is an oversimplification and that sensitivity occurs on a spectrum. Researchers also argue that most children are not simply sensitive across the board but show a unique profile of sensitivities. For example, your child may be very sensitive to changes in their sleep but not very sensitive to changes in their routine, or they may be the pickiest eater but can jump into any new situation without hesitating. Although the Orchid-Dandelion metaphor may be an oversimplification, it does help us to understand that sensitivity is all about how children respond to their environment. Being sensitive doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with the child themselves. Rather, it means that we might have to alter the environment in order to optimally meet their needs.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Sensitivity in children is also discussed in the framework of being a “highly sensitive person” (HSP). This term was coined by psychologist Elaine Aron in 1997 in her book, \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Being a highly sensitive person is not an official diagnosis or mental condition, but \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9248053/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that it is a personality difference characterized by being more hesitant in new situations and showing more sensitivity in sensory input (such as being more reactive to pain, noise or lack of sleep). \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4086365/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also finds real neurobiological differences in how highly sensitive individuals respond to their environment.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">A recent study provides some new insights into sensitivity in children and what we can do as parents. This \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/desc.13531\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">new study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> looked at how a child’s sensitivity impacts their development later in life and found some interesting results. This study looked at how sensitive children were to the following influences at age 3: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>1. Parent praise\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>2. Parent stress\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>3. Child mood\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>4. Child sleep\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Any parent of a toddler (especially any parent of a sensitive toddler) will get a kick out of this — the researchers measured sensitivity of children during toothbrushing. Parents submitted videos of their children during toothbrushing for two weeks and kept diaries of their children’s moods and sleep. An interesting aside is that this research group found in a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8930564/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">previous study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that children brushed their teeth for longer when their parents used more praise and less direct instruction and on days when they were in a better mood. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When the children were 5 to 7 years old, researchers asked parents to report on the child’s problems, including both behavioral and mental health problems. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The researchers found the following: \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Some children are more sensitive to praise from their parents and this type of sensitivity is linked with fewer problems later in life:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Children who were more sensitive to their parents’ praise at age 3 showed fewer behavior problems and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety at age 5 to 7. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Some children are more sensitive to changes in their own mood and this type of sensitivity is linked with more problems later in life\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children whose behavior was more impacted by their own mood at age 3 showed more symptoms of depression and anxiety at age 5 to 7. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Praise from parents regardless of child sensitivity is linked with fewer behavior problems:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When parents praised their children more frequently and more consistently at age 3, their children show fewer behavior problems at age 5 to 7. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Sensitivity to mood and parent stress are related\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: Children who were more sensitive to changes in their own mood were also more sensitive to changes in their parent’s stress. However, sensitivity to parent stress was not related to problems later in life. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">If you have a more sensitive child, you can rest assured that it isn’t all in your head and it isn’t your fault. We need more research on this topic, but the research we have suggests some ways that parents can think about sensitive children and support these children to the best of their ability. So how might this research influence your parenting? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Remember that sensitivity isn’t necessarily a bad thing. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The children who were more sensitive to praise in the study described above showed fewer problems later in life. We need more research on this topic but it is possible that sensitive children may have the advantage of being more sensitive to some positive influences as well. Make sure you notice some of the positive impacts of your child’s sensitive nature rather than only focusing on the negative impacts. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Accept that some children are just more sensitive, but sensitivity may be more complicated than you think\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. This study, along with previous research, suggests that children may be differently sensitive to different influences. In other words, you shouldn’t assume that your child (or any child) is generally “sensitive” but rather it might be more helpful to think about the specific situations that trigger sensitivity. For example, your child may be more sensitive to influences at home than at school. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Teach new skills to children who are sensitive to changes in their own mood. \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The study described above found that the children who were less sensitive to changes in their own mood showed less behavior problems later in childhood. We can support these more sensitive children by teaching them coping skills so behavior doesn’t have to always be dictated by their mood. This does not mean that you are teaching your child not to experience the emotion — only that emotions don’t always have to change their behavior. This is often the goal of therapy for both adults and children. Coping skills could include deep breathing, taking a break and self-talk, such as telling themselves, “Even though I am nervous, I can still do it!”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Know your child and provide extra support to them in the areas that they are more sensitive.\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Think about your own child. When do they show orchid, dandelion and tulip behavior? Sensitivity in children is all about how children respond to their environment. So think about how you can change the environment to help them. For example, if you have a child that is very sensitive to changes in plans, you can prepare them for the possibility of any changes or help them to learn coping strategies to handle these changes. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>5. Regardless of sensitivity, praise your child frequently and consistently\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. Previous \u003ca href=\"https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/parenting-translator/202203/should-parents-really-stop-praising-their-children\">research\u003c/a> finds many benefits of praise. The study described above adds to this by suggesting that, if your child seems to respond well to praise, it is even more important to praise them frequently and consistently. This study did not look at the type of praise but \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Andrei-Cimpian/publication/6360300_Subtle_Linguistic_Cues_Affect_Children%27s_Motivation/links/5e9ccd4d299bf13079aa3266/Subtle-Linguistic-Cues-Affect-Childrens-Motivation.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">previous research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> shows that parents should praise based on effort and hard work rather than characteristics of the child, such as, “You did a great job listening to me” vs. “You are a good listener.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/teaching-forgiveness-to-children\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You may have never thought specifically about teaching your child forgiveness but we have all experienced a situation in which forgiveness comes into play. Maybe you’ve apologized to your child only to have them stare back at you blankly. Or maybe your child had a misunderstanding with their friend on the playground and even after it had been resolved refused to play with that friend. Or maybe their brother accidentally pushed them and they still lashed out and pushed back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Forgiving and moving on is just as important in repairing a relationship as \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62290/teaching-kids-the-right-way-to-say-im-sorry\">apologizing and making up for a mistake\u003c/a>. As adults, we know the importance of forgiveness in our relationships, but what about for our children? How do they learn to forgive others and move on? And is there anything we can do to teach them to be more forgiving?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324156892_The_Emergence_of_Forgiveness_in_Young_Children\">Research\u003c/a> finds that children as young as four show forgiveness, particularly when the offending party is is remorseful or apologetic. When children are more forgiving, it not only helps their social relationships, but is also associated with \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S014019711200053X\">increased self-esteem, lower levels of social anxiety\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Johan-Karremans/publication/288039910_Interpersonal_Forgiveness_and_Psychological_Well-being_in_Late_Childhood/links/568a80d208ae1e63f1fbcee0/Interpersonal-Forgiveness-and-Psychological-Well-being-in-Late-Childhood.pdf\">improved psychological well-being\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-92064-001\">A recent study\u003c/a> may help us to understand the factors that make children more likely to forgive. This study included 185 children from ages 5 to 14 years. The researchers interviewed children to find out how likely they were to forgive another child who left them out of an activity. The researchers also examined whether it mattered for forgiveness when the other child was on the same team versus on another team, whether the other child gave a sincere apology, and tested the children’s “theory of mind” skills (translation: children’s ability to take the perspectives of others and understand that other people have different thoughts, beliefs and emotions).\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Three main findings\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The researchers found that children were more likely to forgive others when:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>The other child gave a sincere apology\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>They thought of the other child as on the same team or part of their group\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>When they had more advanced theory of mind skills\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Translation\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>This study suggests that forgiveness is complicated, even for young children. Of course this is a preliminary study and further research is needed to better understand the development of forgiveness in children, but it does provide some interesting insights. So how can this research help you to teach your children about forgiveness?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Work with your child on their perspective-taking abilities.\u003c/strong> Ask them why another person might have acted in a certain way and what they might be feeling. Help them to see the other child’s point of view in a conflict. Explain to them your thoughts and perspectives in different situations. Point out the thoughts, feelings and perspectives of characters in books, movies and television shows, whenever you have the chance.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Explain how other children are similar to your children even when they seem different on the surface.\u003c/strong> Research finds that children are more likely to forgive others when they think of themselves on the same “team” as that child ,so seeing the child as more similar to themselves may help to generate these feelings.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Help your children learn to apologize in a sincere way and recognize a sincere apology \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/should-you-make-your-kids-apologize\">when they receive one\u003c/a>.\u003c/strong> This research suggests that sincere apologies are important in forgiveness. Apologizing sincerely means being clear in expressing that they understood what they did wrong and a plan to do better in the future. Parents should also try to model sincere apologies when apologizing to their children and practice it with them regularly.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/teaching-forgiveness-to-children\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>You may have never thought specifically about teaching your child forgiveness but we have all experienced a situation in which forgiveness comes into play. Maybe you’ve apologized to your child only to have them stare back at you blankly. Or maybe your child had a misunderstanding with their friend on the playground and even after it had been resolved refused to play with that friend. Or maybe their brother accidentally pushed them and they still lashed out and pushed back.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Forgiving and moving on is just as important in repairing a relationship as \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62290/teaching-kids-the-right-way-to-say-im-sorry\">apologizing and making up for a mistake\u003c/a>. As adults, we know the importance of forgiveness in our relationships, but what about for our children? How do they learn to forgive others and move on? And is there anything we can do to teach them to be more forgiving?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/324156892_The_Emergence_of_Forgiveness_in_Young_Children\">Research\u003c/a> finds that children as young as four show forgiveness, particularly when the offending party is is remorseful or apologetic. When children are more forgiving, it not only helps their social relationships, but is also associated with \u003ca href=\"https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S014019711200053X\">increased self-esteem, lower levels of social anxiety\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Johan-Karremans/publication/288039910_Interpersonal_Forgiveness_and_Psychological_Well-being_in_Late_Childhood/links/568a80d208ae1e63f1fbcee0/Interpersonal-Forgiveness-and-Psychological-Well-being-in-Late-Childhood.pdf\">improved psychological well-being\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2021-92064-001\">A recent study\u003c/a> may help us to understand the factors that make children more likely to forgive. This study included 185 children from ages 5 to 14 years. The researchers interviewed children to find out how likely they were to forgive another child who left them out of an activity. The researchers also examined whether it mattered for forgiveness when the other child was on the same team versus on another team, whether the other child gave a sincere apology, and tested the children’s “theory of mind” skills (translation: children’s ability to take the perspectives of others and understand that other people have different thoughts, beliefs and emotions).\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Three main findings\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The researchers found that children were more likely to forgive others when:\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>The other child gave a sincere apology\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>They thought of the other child as on the same team or part of their group\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>When they had more advanced theory of mind skills\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003ch3>Translation\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>This study suggests that forgiveness is complicated, even for young children. Of course this is a preliminary study and further research is needed to better understand the development of forgiveness in children, but it does provide some interesting insights. So how can this research help you to teach your children about forgiveness?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Work with your child on their perspective-taking abilities.\u003c/strong> Ask them why another person might have acted in a certain way and what they might be feeling. Help them to see the other child’s point of view in a conflict. Explain to them your thoughts and perspectives in different situations. Point out the thoughts, feelings and perspectives of characters in books, movies and television shows, whenever you have the chance.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Explain how other children are similar to your children even when they seem different on the surface.\u003c/strong> Research finds that children are more likely to forgive others when they think of themselves on the same “team” as that child ,so seeing the child as more similar to themselves may help to generate these feelings.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Help your children learn to apologize in a sincere way and recognize a sincere apology \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/should-you-make-your-kids-apologize\">when they receive one\u003c/a>.\u003c/strong> This research suggests that sincere apologies are important in forgiveness. Apologizing sincerely means being clear in expressing that they understood what they did wrong and a plan to do better in the future. Parents should also try to model sincere apologies when apologizing to their children and practice it with them regularly.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"slug": "what-to-do-when-gentle-parenting-fails",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>This post was \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/p/when-gentle-parenting-doesnt-work\">originally published\u003c/a> by Parenting Translator. Sign up for \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">the newsletter\u003c/a> and follow Parenting Translator \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/parentingtranslator/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">on Instagram\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Recently there has been a movement on social media and the parenting community more broadly \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">to practice “gentle parenting.”\u003c/a> The exact definition of gentle parenting is not completely clear because it is not a term that has been studied in the research or used by psychologists in clinical practice. The term \u003ca href=\"https://sarahockwell-smith.com/\">gentle parenting\u003c/a> is credited to British author, Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote several books on the topic. Gentle parenting has since become a buzzword and been co-opted by countless parenting influencers on social media. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Reassuringly though, most conceptualizations of gentle parenting seem to be based on principles that nearly every child psychologist or expert in child development would endorse such as respecting the child, taking the child’s perspective into account, empathizing with and validating your child and building the parent-child bond through positive experiences. However, where gentle parenting seems to deviate from research-backed parenting programs is in what to do when you encounter behavior problems even after you start using these more positive strategies or when it is not possible to use these positive parenting strategies. Most evidence-based parenting programs work on these gentle or positive parenting skills first and then move to other techniques that help parents to handle the behavior problems that inevitably come up even \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">after\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> working on these positive, relationship-building strategies. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">There are clearly some parents that gentle parenting works well for, or it wouldn’t have gained such a strong following. If gentle parenting is working for you, that is wonderful and there is no reason to change what you are doing. However, many parents report that gentle parenting does not work for their individual child and family. Research backs up this experience and suggests that gentle parenting strategies alone may not be effective for every situation and every child. Specifically, \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">researchers have found that gentle parenting techniques are \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15295192.2018.1465304\">not as effective for more serious challenging behavior\u003c/a>, such as aggression, or for children that are oppositional or harder to manage\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Of course, we as parents would all \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">love\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> if simply validating and empathizing with our child’s emotions was all we needed to do — but in the real world it doesn’t seem to be so simple. It is easy to stay calm and validate your child’s emotions when you are calm and everything is going well but nearly all parents reach a point of overwhelm during which they just can’t be the gentle parent they want to be. In these moments, parents may be tempted to resort to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies, like yelling or spanking, instead of using research-backed strategies that are not technically “gentle parenting” but are less harsh and might actually work. Sometimes gentle parenting strategies may even result in a pattern of increasingly frequent episodes of challenging behavior, which makes gentle parenting more difficult because you as the parent eventually get worn down, or the parent-child relationship suffers due to a lack of positive interactions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Real life may also get in the way. You can empathize with your child that they hate wearing socks but at some point you have to get them to put on their socks and shoes or you will be late for school. You may also have other children and responsibilities that make gentle parenting difficult. It is hard to “help your child to stop hitting” when you are breastfeeding a newborn or making dinner for your family. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Although the overarching principles of gentle parenting may resonate with many parents (I know they do for me), these same parents may still feel at a loss for how to apply these principles in the more difficult situations of parenting. So what happens when gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working? Or maybe gentle parenting does work most of the time but doesn’t work in some situations, such as when either you or your child is having an off day? The strategies listed below are \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> recommended by most gentle parenting advocates but \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">are\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently supported by research and included in most evidence-based parenting programs. If gentle parenting is working for you, of course, you do not \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">need\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> to use these strategies but if you are one of the many parents who feel like you might need something more, the following strategies may be helpful for you. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>What to do when gentle parenting isn’t working\u003c/b>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>1. Use consequences:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Consequences seem to be a bad word in the gentle parenting sphere. Gentle parenting advocates suggest that the problem with consequences is that we want our children to be internally motivated to behave rather than responding only to externally imposed consequences, such as having an internal motivation to be kind rather than being kind simply to avoid losing iPad time. Yet it is important to keep in mind that all behavior has consequences regardless of whether you impose them or not. Imagine this situation: Your child takes a toy from their brother and you go over and empathize with them that it is hard to see your brother play with a toy you want but it still isn’t okay to take the toy. Your child then has the positive consequence of gaining access to the toy \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">getting your attention. Whether it was your intention or not, you just increased the likelihood of them snatching a toy in the future. All humans respond to these laws of behavior. Even as an adult, you may consider yourself intrinsically motivated to be a conscientious person but if there were no penalties for speeding, would you always drive under the speed limit? And if you got a ticket would you be more careful about speeding in the future?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In particular, research consistently finds that \u003c/span>\u003cb>\u003ci>logical consequences\u003c/i>\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> are related to improved \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://research.bangor.ac.uk/portal/files/23231845/Leijten_et_al_2019_JAACAP_Key_Parenting_Program_Components.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a> \u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i> \u003ca href=\"http://mapageweb.umontreal.ca/mageaug/Articles/Joussemet_Mageau_Koestner_2013.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mental health\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> in children. Logical consequences are consequences that are related to the behavior so they make sense to children. Logical consequences can include any of the following: making them stop play to get an ice pack or a bandaid for another child that they hurt, leaving the playground when they aren’t following the rules, cleaning up a mess that they made before they are allowed to move on to the next activity, not having time to watch their favorite show because they didn’t clean their room when you asked, and losing access to a toy when they don’t use it appropriately. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/03/2020_RobichaudMageauSoenens_TheRoleofLogical.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that logical consequences may even be linked with \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">increased\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> intrinsic motivation to follow the rules. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"http://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2018_MageauLesssardEtal.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> also suggests that logical consequences are more effective than simply reminding children of the rule or limit. Although \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.jstor.org/stable/1131778\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> indicates that it is important for parents to remind children of the rule or limit and explain why it exists, research also suggests that parents sometimes need to use consequences alongside this type of verbal reasoning in order to positively impact behavior. For example, \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.proquest.com/openview/fd4fe3695828fd077fb647bf034d35c2/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=25922\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">one study\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> found that this type of verbal reasoning only works to improve behavior and reduce aggression with toddlers if parents followed through on consequences some of the time (at least 10% of the time).\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>2. Selective attention/planned ignoring:\u003c/b> \u003ca href=\"https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03004430.2019.1663184\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that attention is an incredibly powerful parenting tool. To use your attention to improve your child’s behavior and make your day-to-day parenting a little easier, try to make a concerted effort to pay more attention to positive behaviors than negative behaviors. This is called “selective attention.” So if your child is whining to get your attention, make an effort to notice and praise whenever they use a “normal voice”. However, if simply noticing and praising the positive behavior doesn’t seem to be working, it is okay to ignore more minor misbehavior, such as whining, fussing, mild arguing or asking the same questions over and over again. Sometimes children and parents get into a bad cycle where negative behaviors get more attention than positive behaviors so to get out of this cycle, parents may have to both pay more attention to positive behavior \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">and\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> ignore some negative behavior.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">When parents are only using more gentle parenting strategies like emotion coaching for challenging behavior, which is a \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-012-0322-1\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">great research-backed strategy\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, parents may unintentionally end up paying more attention to children when they are showing challenging behaviors than positive behaviors which then increases the frequency of the challenging behaviors and decreases the frequency of the positive behaviors. This could create a situation in which challenging behaviors become so frequent that the parent eventually loses patience and resorts to harsh and ineffective parenting strategies.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Most research-backed parenting programs, such as \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.parentchildinteractiontherapy.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parent-Child Interaction Therapy \u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">(PCIT), advise parents to use ignoring for minor challenging behavior. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5530857/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> finds that this type of brief ignoring of minor behavior is associated with \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.researchgate.net/publication/224025331_Mothers'_Perceptions_of_Young_Children_Parenting_and_Young_Children's_Behavior_Problems\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">improved behavior\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6173420/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">reduced non-compliance\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> (translation: children being more likely to listen to parents). An important note about ignoring: Ideally parents should only ignore minor challenging behavior that has the goal of gaining attention. It doesn’t make sense to ignore any behavior related to emotional dysregulation, since your child may genuinely need your help with calming down, or a more serious behavior like aggression, since you need to step in to keep your child and others safe. It is also important to remember that you are ignoring the behavior and not the child. When the child stops the behavior, make sure to pay attention and notice and praise any positive behavior. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>3. Try timeout\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: It seems that one of the core tenets of gentle parenting is that timeout is harmful to children and some gentle parenting advocates go so far as to equate timeout with physical abuse. Yet, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61399/what-parenting-research-really-says-about-timeouts-and-how-to-use-them\">research does not find any evidence for harm associated with timeout\u003c/a> and even finds that it may be linked with positive outcomes. Research also indicates that timeout is very effective in improving behavior. In particular, timeout may be helpful at times when a parent is at risk for using more harsh discipline strategies. For example, when you feel “triggered” as a parent, timeout can give you all a chance to calm down in order to effectively deal with a difficult situation. \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.rch.org.au/uploadedFiles/Main/Content/ccch/Risk_factors_for_childhood_mental_health_symptoms_Bayer.pdf\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> consistently finds that harsh discipline tactics, such as yelling or physical punishment, are associated with worse mental health in children. If timeout gives you and your child a chance to calm down before you resort to these strategies, it might be the right choice for you and your family. The gentle parenting movement often recommends “time-in” as an alternative to timeout. Yet, research has yet to determine whether “time-in” is an effective strategy. If “time-in” works for you and your child, it doesn’t matter that it is not supported by research and you should continue to use it. However, if it is not working for you or your child, feel free to use another approach like timeout without guilt. If it does not feel right to you as a parent to use timeout, follow your instincts and don’t use it. Research does not indicate that you \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">must \u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">use timeout in order to be an effective parent. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>4. Take care of yourself before your children\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">: The advice of gentle parenting advocates sometimes doesn’t seem to acknowledge that parents are people too. We have feelings, needs and desires that matter. For example, many gentle parenting advocates suggest that parents should never tell their children when they make you feel sad or angry because this may cause codependency. Of course we do not want to use our feelings to manipulate or guilt our children, but we have no evidence that honestly sharing our emotions with our children has any negative impacts and we do have \u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">some evidence that hiding your emotions from your child is \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/manuscript/2020-26571-001.pdf\">associated with more stress in children and strain on the parent-child relationship\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">. It is also impossible to help your children to regulate their emotions when you are feeling dysregulated, as is often the case when your children are dysregulated — \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4604752/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">particularly if you are an empathetic person\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Some gentle parenting proponents fail to mention that it is more than okay if you need to take care of your own emotional needs before your children’s. This might mean telling your children that you can’t play with them because you are too stressed or busy. It could be walking away from a situation and calming yourself down before you calm them down. It could be ignoring their demands until you have met your own needs. As parents we often put our children first, but being a good parent may also involve occasionally \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">putting yourself first\u003c/a>. If you feel guilty about this then remember that even if you could be a person devoid of all emotions and the perfectly calm co-regulator for your child, you are setting up an unrealistic expectation for all future relationships — future friendships and spouses will never be able to completely put aside their own feelings in every scenario. It might cause guilt in the moment but remember that you are modeling \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62649/mental-health-tools-for-tweens-by-phyllis-fagell\">healthy emotional regulation\u003c/a> when you take care of yourself first. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>\u003cb>Overall translation\u003c/b>\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Research supports the core tenets of gentle parenting, which include validating and empathizing with your child’s emotions, enhancing the parent-child relationship, giving your child positive attention, assuming the best of your child and modeling for children the behavior you want to see. However, for some children and parents and in some situations, these strategies don’t seem to be effective. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, it does \u003c/span>\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">not\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> mean that you have failed at being a gentle parent— only that it might be time to try something else. It is important to remember that these strategies have not been found to be effective for all families. When gentle parenting doesn’t seem to be working, parents should feel free to try using evidence-based strategies such as consequences, timeout, ignoring, and taking care of yourself before your child. Above all, it is important for parents to remember that gentle parenting is a trend and not a religion — feel free to take the parts you like and leave the rest.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/i>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"info": "The MindShift podcast explores the innovations in education that are shaping how kids learn. Hosts Ki Sung and Katrina Schwartz introduce listeners to educators, researchers, parents and students who are developing effective ways to improve how kids learn. We cover topics like how fed-up administrators are developing surprising tactics to deal with classroom disruptions; how listening to podcasts are helping kids develop reading skills; the consequences of overparenting; and why interdisciplinary learning can engage students on all ends of the traditional achievement spectrum. This podcast is part of the MindShift education site, a division of KQED News. KQED is an NPR/PBS member station based in San Francisco. You can also visit the MindShift website for episodes and supplemental blog posts or tweet us \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/MindShiftKQED\">@MindShiftKQED\u003c/a> or visit us at \u003ca href=\"/mindshift\">MindShift.KQED.org\u003c/a>",
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"soldout": {
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