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"content": "\u003cp>The first day I returned to work after parental leave, I sat down at my desk, logged into my computer — and silently sobbed right up until my first morning meeting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The guilt of leaving my child, the anxiety of starting over at my job, the stress of managing both worlds at once: it was the ultimate case of the Mondays.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Transitioning from “worker” to “parent” to “working parent” can be a shock to the system, says \u003ca href=\"https://cplleadership.com/about-us/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>Amy Beacom\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents are often “learning two new roles fast, under a lot of pressure with lack of sleep, zero guidance and zero support,” she says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s especially the case for mothers. The United States is the only \u003ca href=\"https://bipartisanpolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/PFL6-FInal_.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>industrialized nation without federal paid leave\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, and one 2012 report found that \u003ca href=\"https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/OASP/legacy/files/FMLA-2012-Technical-Report.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>1 in 4 women\u003c/u>\u003c/a> go back to work within two weeks of having a baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While I was one of the lucky ones — I had several months of protected, paid leave — coming back was still a struggle and a huge adjustment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So whether you’re about to return to work or already back, there are ways to set yourself up for success, Beacom says.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Make work \u003cem>work\u003c/em> better for you\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Too often, returning parents assume their jobs and schedules are set in stone, so they don’t ask their managers for what they want, Beacom says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But for the most part, companies “want you happy, engaged and supported,” she says — so you may be surprised by what they agree to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Beacom shares a few ideas to smoothen your reentry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul class=\"rte2-style-ul\">\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>What does a good first day, week and month look like?\u003c/strong> If possible, make a plan and propose it to your manager before you take your leave, “ so everyone is thinking about that reentry even before you go,” says Beacom.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Set a date for a brief check-in with your employer \u003c/strong>while you’re gone, so both sides can feel more confident and prepared about what’s needed for your return, says Beacom.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Plan to return mid-week \u003c/strong>so you can give yourself time to quietly warm up, clear your inbox and then come back full swing the following week.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Negotiate your schedule. \u003c/strong>Maybe shifting your workday by half an hour would make a world of difference to your commute, or working East Coast hours would be a lot easier for day care pick-up and drop-off.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Your workplace will often only be as flexible as you \u003cem>ask\u003c/em> them to be, Beacom says. So find how work can work better for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Let “good” be “good enough”\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Now that you’re back at work, you might notice something surprising: Your job might feel a little easier.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“A lot of parents report that having kids, because it introduces all these new complexities, can make them more disciplined and better at getting things done,” says brain researcher \u003ca href=\"https://dornsife.usc.edu/profile/darby-saxbe/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>Darby Saxbe\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, author of the upcoming book \u003cem>Dad Brain\u003c/em>, about the science of fatherhood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That doesn’t mean your life as a working parent will be a walk in the park. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, see when you can let “good” be “good enough.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“My best advice to parents is lower your standards,” Saxbe says. “Don’t expect you’re going to be amazing at everything.” There are no raises for picture-perfect baby food or trophies for late-night speed-emailing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you absolutely must add more to your plate, be intentional about it, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.reshmasaujani.com/about\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>Reshma Saujani\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, CEO of Moms First, an organization that advocates for affordable child care and paid leave. What is a need and what is just a gold star on your record? How much pressure is self-imposed, and how much is out of your control?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lastly, cut yourself some slack. Parenting can change the brain and body to better meet the needs of caring for your little one — and research shows it can take anywhere from \u003ca href=\"https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.adr7922\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>a few months\u003c/u>\u003c/a> to \u003ca href=\"https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.4458\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>two years\u003c/u>\u003c/a> or more for a new parent to feel fully themselves again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Respect that this is a transformational time,” Saxbe says. “Be patient with yourself and recognize that you may not be 100% for a while.”\u003c/p>\n\u003chr>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>. Follow us on Instagram: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>@nprlifekit\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>The first day I returned to work after parental leave, I sat down at my desk, logged into my computer — and silently sobbed right up until my first morning meeting.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The guilt of leaving my child, the anxiety of starting over at my job, the stress of managing both worlds at once: it was the ultimate case of the Mondays.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Transitioning from “worker” to “parent” to “working parent” can be a shock to the system, says \u003ca href=\"https://cplleadership.com/about-us/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>Amy Beacom\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents are often “learning two new roles fast, under a lot of pressure with lack of sleep, zero guidance and zero support,” she says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s especially the case for mothers. The United States is the only \u003ca href=\"https://bipartisanpolicy.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/PFL6-FInal_.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>industrialized nation without federal paid leave\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, and one 2012 report found that \u003ca href=\"https://www.dol.gov/sites/dolgov/files/OASP/legacy/files/FMLA-2012-Technical-Report.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>1 in 4 women\u003c/u>\u003c/a> go back to work within two weeks of having a baby.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>While I was one of the lucky ones — I had several months of protected, paid leave — coming back was still a struggle and a huge adjustment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So whether you’re about to return to work or already back, there are ways to set yourself up for success, Beacom says.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Make work \u003cem>work\u003c/em> better for you\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Too often, returning parents assume their jobs and schedules are set in stone, so they don’t ask their managers for what they want, Beacom says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But for the most part, companies “want you happy, engaged and supported,” she says — so you may be surprised by what they agree to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Beacom shares a few ideas to smoothen your reentry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cul class=\"rte2-style-ul\">\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>What does a good first day, week and month look like?\u003c/strong> If possible, make a plan and propose it to your manager before you take your leave, “ so everyone is thinking about that reentry even before you go,” says Beacom.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Set a date for a brief check-in with your employer \u003c/strong>while you’re gone, so both sides can feel more confident and prepared about what’s needed for your return, says Beacom.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Plan to return mid-week \u003c/strong>so you can give yourself time to quietly warm up, clear your inbox and then come back full swing the following week.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>Negotiate your schedule. \u003c/strong>Maybe shifting your workday by half an hour would make a world of difference to your commute, or working East Coast hours would be a lot easier for day care pick-up and drop-off.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>Your workplace will often only be as flexible as you \u003cem>ask\u003c/em> them to be, Beacom says. So find how work can work better for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Let “good” be “good enough”\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Now that you’re back at work, you might notice something surprising: Your job might feel a little easier.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“A lot of parents report that having kids, because it introduces all these new complexities, can make them more disciplined and better at getting things done,” says brain researcher \u003ca href=\"https://dornsife.usc.edu/profile/darby-saxbe/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>Darby Saxbe\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, author of the upcoming book \u003cem>Dad Brain\u003c/em>, about the science of fatherhood.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That doesn’t mean your life as a working parent will be a walk in the park. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, see when you can let “good” be “good enough.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“My best advice to parents is lower your standards,” Saxbe says. “Don’t expect you’re going to be amazing at everything.” There are no raises for picture-perfect baby food or trophies for late-night speed-emailing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you absolutely must add more to your plate, be intentional about it, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.reshmasaujani.com/about\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>Reshma Saujani\u003c/u>\u003c/a>, CEO of Moms First, an organization that advocates for affordable child care and paid leave. What is a need and what is just a gold star on your record? How much pressure is self-imposed, and how much is out of your control?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Lastly, cut yourself some slack. Parenting can change the brain and body to better meet the needs of caring for your little one — and research shows it can take anywhere from \u003ca href=\"https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.adr7922\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>a few months\u003c/u>\u003c/a> to \u003ca href=\"https://www.nature.com/articles/nn.4458\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cu>two years\u003c/u>\u003c/a> or more for a new parent to feel fully themselves again.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Respect that this is a transformational time,” Saxbe says. “Be patient with yourself and recognize that you may not be 100% for a while.”\u003c/p>\n\u003chr>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>. Follow us on Instagram: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>@nprlifekit\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>A million magnetic tiles scattered across the living room. Stuffed animals piled high in the playroom. Outgrown baby gear taking up space in the closet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you live with kids, your home is bound to get messy. And the more stuff they have, the more time you have to spend organizing it and cleaning it up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s why psychotherapist and mom of two \u003ca href=\"https://www.simplefamilies.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Denaye Barahona\u003c/a> prefers a less-is-more approach when it comes to buying and keeping kids’ clothes, toys and gear.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you “pare back on the amount of clutter in your life, you can focus on the most important things,” like quality time as a family, says Barahona, author of \u003cem>Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Plus, there’s a positive benefit for young children. \u003ca href=\"https://www.jcfs.org/sites/default/files/Influence-of-the-number-of-toys-in-the-environment-on-toddlers.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Research has shown\u003c/a> that when toddlers play in a quieter space with fewer toys, they “do more, create more and innovate more,” she says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how do you begin the process of decluttering all your child’s things, whether it’s their beloved Pokémon card collection or handmade art? Barahona offers practical ways to organize what you have and decide what to keep or let go.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🚪Create “active” and “storage” spaces to cut down on clutter: “\u003c/strong>Active” spaces are high-traffic areas of a room that should hold only things you use on a regular basis, says Barahona. An entryway closet, for example, doesn’t need to be stuffed with snow jackets in summer. Keep those in a separate storage space, like an underbed drawer, until you’re ready to rotate them back into the closet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2500x3125+0+0/resize/1200/quality/75/format/jpeg/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fd2%2Fc9%2Fa5bc19d74649b30a349d4c8c8913%2F260408-lk-kidcluttter-flowchart.jpg\" alt=\"This handy infographic offers guidance from psychotherapist Denaye Barahona on what to keep, donate or let go. Try to be as discerning as possible, she says: 'If everything is important, then nothing is important.'\">\u003cfigcaption>This handy infographic offers guidance from psychotherapist Denaye Barahona on what to keep, donate or let go. Try to be as discerning as possible, she says: “If everything is important, then nothing is important.” \u003ccite> (Andee Tagle/NPR)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🎯 Use clear, shallow bins to help younger kids spot the toys they want. \u003c/strong>If you want your daughter to stop dumping every item she owns onto the living room floor to find that one special stuffie, this kind of storage is the way to go, says Barahona. Visible toys make for less mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🌀 Rotate toys in and out of play spaces.\u003c/strong> It can tamp down on visual clutter and give kids more space for focusing by reducing overstimulation from excessive options. Be warned, though: Maintaining a regular toy-rotation schedule can require a fair amount of extra effort and planning by parents, Barahona says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>💗 Reframe the purpose of your family’s donation pile. \u003c/strong>You’re not losing something — you’re “sharing the love,” Barahona says. It’s just a small semantic change, but it helps her family picture an item’s future purpose. “Should this jacket spend the next 30 years in this box, or should it be on the body of another child who needs it?”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🚩 Beware of recluttering after decluttering.\u003c/strong> The goal of decluttering should be to live more simply, not make space for more stuff, says Barahona. Before you buy anything new — be it storage bins or toys — pause to consider your motivation: Is this a true need, a replacement or just a personal desire? If it’s the latter, try looking for alternatives that could fill that same need without accumulating more stuff. For example, could you share a new experience with your kid instead of buying them that toy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>📉 Scale back to help kids feel more responsible. \u003c/strong>If your son is constantly leaving a tornado of toys wherever he goes, he might have too many, be too young to manage them — or both, Barahona says. If he loves Pokémon cards, for example, you might have him pick his top 20 to keep in an active drawer. Move the rest into storage until he can show you he’s capable of taking care of that first set.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>📦 You don’t have to keep\u003cem> all\u003c/em> that kid art. \u003c/strong>Yes, every finger-painted picture frame is a masterpiece, but there’s only so much room for keepsakes in any family closet. In her home, Barahona has exactly \u003cem>one\u003c/em> box for storing both of her kids’ artwork. Whenever it gets full, she looks through everything to see what still holds meaning and what draws a blank.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Some things in the box, I’m like, ‘What is this? Who made this?'” Barahona says. If she doesn’t know, “then I am certainly not going to remember why I saved them 30 years from now.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Your turn: How do you manage your kid’s stuff?\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Tell us your best organization hacks (and feel free to share photos!). Email us at \u003ca href=\"mailto:lifekit@npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">lifekit@npr.org\u003c/a> with the subject line “Kid stuff.” We may feature your story on \u003ca href=\"http://npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">NPR.org\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Illustrations inked and colored by NPR’s Malaka Gharib\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003chr>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>This story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"mailto:LifeKit@npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>LifeKit@npr.org\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>. Follow us on Instagram: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>@nprlifekit\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>A million magnetic tiles scattered across the living room. Stuffed animals piled high in the playroom. Outgrown baby gear taking up space in the closet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you live with kids, your home is bound to get messy. And the more stuff they have, the more time you have to spend organizing it and cleaning it up.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s why psychotherapist and mom of two \u003ca href=\"https://www.simplefamilies.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Denaye Barahona\u003c/a> prefers a less-is-more approach when it comes to buying and keeping kids’ clothes, toys and gear.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When you “pare back on the amount of clutter in your life, you can focus on the most important things,” like quality time as a family, says Barahona, author of \u003cem>Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids\u003c/em>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Plus, there’s a positive benefit for young children. \u003ca href=\"https://www.jcfs.org/sites/default/files/Influence-of-the-number-of-toys-in-the-environment-on-toddlers.pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Research has shown\u003c/a> that when toddlers play in a quieter space with fewer toys, they “do more, create more and innovate more,” she says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So how do you begin the process of decluttering all your child’s things, whether it’s their beloved Pokémon card collection or handmade art? Barahona offers practical ways to organize what you have and decide what to keep or let go.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🚪Create “active” and “storage” spaces to cut down on clutter: “\u003c/strong>Active” spaces are high-traffic areas of a room that should hold only things you use on a regular basis, says Barahona. An entryway closet, for example, doesn’t need to be stuffed with snow jackets in summer. Keep those in a separate storage space, like an underbed drawer, until you’re ready to rotate them back into the closet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure class=\"wp-block-image size-large\">\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://npr.brightspotcdn.com/dims3/default/strip/false/crop/2500x3125+0+0/resize/1200/quality/75/format/jpeg/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fnpr-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fd2%2Fc9%2Fa5bc19d74649b30a349d4c8c8913%2F260408-lk-kidcluttter-flowchart.jpg\" alt=\"This handy infographic offers guidance from psychotherapist Denaye Barahona on what to keep, donate or let go. Try to be as discerning as possible, she says: 'If everything is important, then nothing is important.'\">\u003cfigcaption>This handy infographic offers guidance from psychotherapist Denaye Barahona on what to keep, donate or let go. Try to be as discerning as possible, she says: “If everything is important, then nothing is important.” \u003ccite> (Andee Tagle/NPR)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🎯 Use clear, shallow bins to help younger kids spot the toys they want. \u003c/strong>If you want your daughter to stop dumping every item she owns onto the living room floor to find that one special stuffie, this kind of storage is the way to go, says Barahona. Visible toys make for less mess.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🌀 Rotate toys in and out of play spaces.\u003c/strong> It can tamp down on visual clutter and give kids more space for focusing by reducing overstimulation from excessive options. Be warned, though: Maintaining a regular toy-rotation schedule can require a fair amount of extra effort and planning by parents, Barahona says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>💗 Reframe the purpose of your family’s donation pile. \u003c/strong>You’re not losing something — you’re “sharing the love,” Barahona says. It’s just a small semantic change, but it helps her family picture an item’s future purpose. “Should this jacket spend the next 30 years in this box, or should it be on the body of another child who needs it?”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>🚩 Beware of recluttering after decluttering.\u003c/strong> The goal of decluttering should be to live more simply, not make space for more stuff, says Barahona. Before you buy anything new — be it storage bins or toys — pause to consider your motivation: Is this a true need, a replacement or just a personal desire? If it’s the latter, try looking for alternatives that could fill that same need without accumulating more stuff. For example, could you share a new experience with your kid instead of buying them that toy?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>📉 Scale back to help kids feel more responsible. \u003c/strong>If your son is constantly leaving a tornado of toys wherever he goes, he might have too many, be too young to manage them — or both, Barahona says. If he loves Pokémon cards, for example, you might have him pick his top 20 to keep in an active drawer. Move the rest into storage until he can show you he’s capable of taking care of that first set.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>📦 You don’t have to keep\u003cem> all\u003c/em> that kid art. \u003c/strong>Yes, every finger-painted picture frame is a masterpiece, but there’s only so much room for keepsakes in any family closet. In her home, Barahona has exactly \u003cem>one\u003c/em> box for storing both of her kids’ artwork. Whenever it gets full, she looks through everything to see what still holds meaning and what draws a blank.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Some things in the box, I’m like, ‘What is this? Who made this?'” Barahona says. If she doesn’t know, “then I am certainly not going to remember why I saved them 30 years from now.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Your turn: How do you manage your kid’s stuff?\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Tell us your best organization hacks (and feel free to share photos!). Email us at \u003ca href=\"mailto:lifekit@npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">lifekit@npr.org\u003c/a> with the subject line “Kid stuff.” We may feature your story on \u003ca href=\"http://npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">NPR.org\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Illustrations inked and colored by NPR’s Malaka Gharib\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003chr>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>This story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"mailto:LifeKit@npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>LifeKit@npr.org\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Listen to Life Kit on \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3LdRb0X\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Apple Podcasts\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem> and \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3K3xVln\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Spotify\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>, and sign up for our \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"http://n.pr/3xN1tB9\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>newsletter\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>. Follow us on Instagram: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/nprlifekit\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>@nprlifekit\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>For decades, psychologists believed willpower was the ticket to a good life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It was thought that people with better willpower would be more successful,” says psychologist\u003ca href=\"https://carleton.ca/psychology/people/marina-milyavskaya/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> Marina Milyavskaya\u003c/a> at Carleton University, in Ottawa, Canada.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hundreds of studies appeared to support this idea. Researchers found links between better willpower and \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15016066/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">better grades\u003c/a> in school,\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11519931/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> better relationships \u003c/a>and careers as adults, \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27329604/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">healthier diets\u003c/a> and even more\u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2861800/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> consistent parenting\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So psychologists and parenting experts advised parents to teach children to use willpower to\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2026/03/06/nx-s1-5737901/dopamine-kids-parenting-screens\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> resist modern temptations,\u003c/a> such as sweets, fast food, video games, phones and other screens.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But in the past 15 years, Milyavskaya and other psychologists have dug deeper into the studies, and they uncovered a major flaw: These studies weren’t actually measuring willpower but a different skill — the ability to avoid temptation in the first place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And in the process, they’ve found easier and more effective ways for parents to handle the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/12/1187130983/smartphone-tween-safe-alternatives\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">tsunami of temptations\u003c/a> in children’s lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Focusing on willpower can backfire\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Willpower is the ability to resist a temptation right in front of you, Milyavskaya says. “It’s the idea of effortful resistance of temptation.” For example, your ability to say no to a fast-food cheeseburger for dinner and choose baked salmon instead. Or to resist the video game and finish your homework.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Fifteen to 20 years ago, it was thought you could train willpower,” she adds, by building a child’s ability to resist temptations the way athletes build up muscles — through practice. Let children play video games each day and teach them to stop after one hour, for example. Or expose your children to “forbidden” foods, such as chips, cookies and soda, so they can learn to self-regulate and not gobble up too many.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“There was this idea that if you’re exposed to junk food more, you’re going to resist it better,” says \u003ca href=\"https://michaelinzlicht.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Michael Inzlicht\u003c/a>, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. But there was one big problem with this approach: It doesn’t work for very long. “Evidence from my lab and other people’s labs suggests that it’s not gonna help you in the long term.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure class=\"wp-block-embed npr-promo-card insettwocolumn\">\n\u003cdiv class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\u003c/div>\n\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>In fact, he says, trying to build up kids’ willpower actually backfires. By offering children temptations regularly, parents are teaching kids to prefer and want these foods and activities. “Guess what the kids are going to like?” Inzlicht asks. “Fatty foods and sweet foods because that’s what we’re programmed to like,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>New strategies for modern temptations\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The original studies on willpower relied on surveys or questionnaires to measure a person’s self-control and their success in life. Researchers assumed these questionnaires measured a person’s willpower — the ability to resist temptations in front of you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But in the early 2010s, psychologists decided to stop relying on surveys and, instead, study \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-28783-001\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">what people do\u003c/a> in real life to meet their long-term goals. These studies\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550616679237\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> revealed a surprise\u003c/a>, Inzlicht says. The more successful people didn’t have better willpower compared to those who were less successful. Instead, successful people set up their lives so they didn’t need to use willpower frequently. They exposed themselves to fewer temptations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this is the strategy parents should be teaching their children, says Wendy Wood, a\u003ca href=\"https://dornsife.usc.edu/wendy-wood/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> professor emerita of psychology\u003c/a> at the University of Southern California. “Teach them how to choose situations that reduce the likelihood of doing things that aren’t good for them. Teach them how to control the temptations,” Wood says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In essence, parents don’t need to teach kids how to say “no” to the marshmallow sitting in front of them — like in the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2017/07/03/534743719/want-to-teach-your-kids-self-control-ask-a-cameroonian-farmer\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">infamous Stanford study \u003c/a>— but rather, learn “how to put a pie pan over the marshmallow,” Wood says. Or how to avoid being in a room with marshmallows.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“For example, parents can teach kids to leave their phone in another room when they’re studying,” Wood says, or to use apps that block distracting websites and games. They can teach kids how to keep sweets and ultra-processed foods out of the house and out of their backpack or car. In other words, parents can create times and places in children’s life where distractions or temptations aren’t an option at all — and show them how they can implement this strategy themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Learn to love what’s good for you\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The great thing, Wood says, is that parents can help kids fall in love with the healthier alternatives — to love salmon and bok choy at dinner, love playing outside with friends, or love working hard in school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Your kids’ choices are malleable, and it’s really influenced in part by what they’re exposed to,” she says. “You can truly learn to like the things that are good for you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To shape their preferences, she says, give your kids oodles of opportunities to experience the pleasure of these healthy options. For example, Wood wanted to teach her kids to love reading. So she kept books in the car and her purse. “I like to eat out at nice restaurants, and I would take my kids along.” While waiting at the restaurant, the only option they had was to read. And so they built a habit of reading. “Today my kids are still wild readers.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Finally, Carleton University’s \u003ca href=\"https://carleton.ca/psychology/people/marina-milyavskaya/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Marina Milyavskaya\u003c/a> says, pay attention to how you talk about healthy foods and activities. Don’t present them as burdens, sacrifices or punishments. Instead, focus on how good these foods taste or how fun an activity offline is.\u003ca href=\"https://sparqtools.org/edgyveggies-research/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> Studies have found \u003c/a>that our language shapes our preference for foods, as well as how much we eat them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Whether it’s eating healthier food or going to the gym, if you make the activity more fun in the moment, then you’re more likely to do it again,” Milyavskaya says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So if you want your child to love salmon, talk about how great it tastes with yummy, garlicky soy sauce and wild rice. And how great it makes you feel right after eating it. Something that a frozen ultra-processed dinner won’t do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Michaeleen Doucleff has a Ph.D. in chemistry and is a longtime science journalist (including previously for NPR). She has a new parenting book out called \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2026/03/06/nx-s1-5737901/dopamine-kids-parenting-screens\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Dopamine Kids.\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"npr-transcript\">\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Transcript:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We have some advice about how to help children handle unhealthy habits like eating too many sugary treats or spending too much time on that addictive device in your hand. For decades, psychologists have encouraged parents to help kids build up willpower. Our friend Michaeleen Doucleff reports that some now see a better strategy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAELEEN DOUCLEFF, BYLINE: In a nutshell, willpower is the ability to resist a temptation right in front of you – your ability to say no to a fast food cheeseburger and choose baked salmon instead, or to resist the video game and finish your homework.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MARINA MILYAVSKAYA: A fruitful resistance of temptation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: That’s Marina Milyavskaya. She’s a psychologist at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada. She says scientists once thought that having a lot of willpower was the ticket to a good life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MILYAVSKAYA: People with better willpower would be kind of more successful in life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: They were more likely to get better grades, have better relationships, even eat healthier diets. Parents have been told to build up their kids’ willpower the way athletes build up muscles, through practice. Let children play video games every day and teach them to stop after 1 hour. Expose your children to sugary and junk food, then teach them how to resist them. But Michael Inzlicht at the University of Toronto says…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAEL INZLICHT: Evidence from my lab and other people’s labs suggests that it’s not going to help you for the long term.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: In fact, he says, there’s accumulating evidence that trying to build up kids’ willpower actually backfires. By offering children temptations regularly, parents are teaching kids to prefer and want these foods and activities.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>INZLICHT: And guess what the kids are going to like? Fatty foods and sweet foods because that’s what we’re programmed to like.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: So what strategies do work for modern foods and technologies? Wendy Wood is a professor emerita of psychology at the University of Southern California. She says the better strategy is to teach kids to set up their lives so they don’t need to use willpower.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WENDY WOOD: How to choose situations that reduce the likelihood of doing things that aren’t good for them, how to control the temptations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And you do that by creating times and places in your life where temptations aren’t an option at all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOOD: How do you learn, when you’re studying, to leave your phone in another room?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: You learn to use apps that block distracting websites and games. You learn to keep sweets and ultra-processed foods out of your house and out of your backpack or car. And, Wood says, parents can teach kids to love the healthier alternative.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOOD: Your kids’ choices are malleable. And it’s really influenced, in part, by what they’re exposed to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Give them oodles of opportunities to experience the pleasure of these healthy options. And don’t talk about the healthy options as a burden or a punishment. Studies show that if you celebrate and enjoy the healthy foods and activities, you grow to love them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOOD: You can truly learn to like the things that are good for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: So if you want your child to love salmon, talk about how great it tastes with yummy, garlicky soy sauce, and how great you feel after eating it, something that a frozen, ultra-processed dinner can’t do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For NPR News, I’m Michaeleen Doucleff.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>INSKEEP: Man, I want some salmon now. Michaeleen was a longtime NPR science correspondent and has a lot more about kids, junk food and screens in her new book called “Dopamine Kids.”\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>For decades, psychologists believed willpower was the ticket to a good life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It was thought that people with better willpower would be more successful,” says psychologist\u003ca href=\"https://carleton.ca/psychology/people/marina-milyavskaya/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> Marina Milyavskaya\u003c/a> at Carleton University, in Ottawa, Canada.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Hundreds of studies appeared to support this idea. Researchers found links between better willpower and \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15016066/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">better grades\u003c/a> in school,\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11519931/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> better relationships \u003c/a>and careers as adults, \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27329604/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">healthier diets\u003c/a> and even more\u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2861800/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> consistent parenting\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So psychologists and parenting experts advised parents to teach children to use willpower to\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2026/03/06/nx-s1-5737901/dopamine-kids-parenting-screens\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> resist modern temptations,\u003c/a> such as sweets, fast food, video games, phones and other screens.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But in the past 15 years, Milyavskaya and other psychologists have dug deeper into the studies, and they uncovered a major flaw: These studies weren’t actually measuring willpower but a different skill — the ability to avoid temptation in the first place.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And in the process, they’ve found easier and more effective ways for parents to handle the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/12/1187130983/smartphone-tween-safe-alternatives\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">tsunami of temptations\u003c/a> in children’s lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Focusing on willpower can backfire\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Willpower is the ability to resist a temptation right in front of you, Milyavskaya says. “It’s the idea of effortful resistance of temptation.” For example, your ability to say no to a fast-food cheeseburger for dinner and choose baked salmon instead. Or to resist the video game and finish your homework.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Fifteen to 20 years ago, it was thought you could train willpower,” she adds, by building a child’s ability to resist temptations the way athletes build up muscles — through practice. Let children play video games each day and teach them to stop after one hour, for example. Or expose your children to “forbidden” foods, such as chips, cookies and soda, so they can learn to self-regulate and not gobble up too many.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“There was this idea that if you’re exposed to junk food more, you’re going to resist it better,” says \u003ca href=\"https://michaelinzlicht.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Michael Inzlicht\u003c/a>, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. But there was one big problem with this approach: It doesn’t work for very long. “Evidence from my lab and other people’s labs suggests that it’s not gonna help you in the long term.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure class=\"wp-block-embed npr-promo-card insettwocolumn\">\n\u003cdiv class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\u003c/div>\n\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>In fact, he says, trying to build up kids’ willpower actually backfires. By offering children temptations regularly, parents are teaching kids to prefer and want these foods and activities. “Guess what the kids are going to like?” Inzlicht asks. “Fatty foods and sweet foods because that’s what we’re programmed to like,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>New strategies for modern temptations\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The original studies on willpower relied on surveys or questionnaires to measure a person’s self-control and their success in life. Researchers assumed these questionnaires measured a person’s willpower — the ability to resist temptations in front of you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But in the early 2010s, psychologists decided to stop relying on surveys and, instead, study \u003ca href=\"https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2011-28783-001\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">what people do\u003c/a> in real life to meet their long-term goals. These studies\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/1948550616679237\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> revealed a surprise\u003c/a>, Inzlicht says. The more successful people didn’t have better willpower compared to those who were less successful. Instead, successful people set up their lives so they didn’t need to use willpower frequently. They exposed themselves to fewer temptations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And this is the strategy parents should be teaching their children, says Wendy Wood, a\u003ca href=\"https://dornsife.usc.edu/wendy-wood/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> professor emerita of psychology\u003c/a> at the University of Southern California. “Teach them how to choose situations that reduce the likelihood of doing things that aren’t good for them. Teach them how to control the temptations,” Wood says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In essence, parents don’t need to teach kids how to say “no” to the marshmallow sitting in front of them — like in the \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2017/07/03/534743719/want-to-teach-your-kids-self-control-ask-a-cameroonian-farmer\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">infamous Stanford study \u003c/a>— but rather, learn “how to put a pie pan over the marshmallow,” Wood says. Or how to avoid being in a room with marshmallows.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“For example, parents can teach kids to leave their phone in another room when they’re studying,” Wood says, or to use apps that block distracting websites and games. They can teach kids how to keep sweets and ultra-processed foods out of the house and out of their backpack or car. In other words, parents can create times and places in children’s life where distractions or temptations aren’t an option at all — and show them how they can implement this strategy themselves.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Learn to love what’s good for you\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>The great thing, Wood says, is that parents can help kids fall in love with the healthier alternatives — to love salmon and bok choy at dinner, love playing outside with friends, or love working hard in school.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Your kids’ choices are malleable, and it’s really influenced in part by what they’re exposed to,” she says. “You can truly learn to like the things that are good for you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To shape their preferences, she says, give your kids oodles of opportunities to experience the pleasure of these healthy options. For example, Wood wanted to teach her kids to love reading. So she kept books in the car and her purse. “I like to eat out at nice restaurants, and I would take my kids along.” While waiting at the restaurant, the only option they had was to read. And so they built a habit of reading. “Today my kids are still wild readers.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Finally, Carleton University’s \u003ca href=\"https://carleton.ca/psychology/people/marina-milyavskaya/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Marina Milyavskaya\u003c/a> says, pay attention to how you talk about healthy foods and activities. Don’t present them as burdens, sacrifices or punishments. Instead, focus on how good these foods taste or how fun an activity offline is.\u003ca href=\"https://sparqtools.org/edgyveggies-research/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> Studies have found \u003c/a>that our language shapes our preference for foods, as well as how much we eat them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Whether it’s eating healthier food or going to the gym, if you make the activity more fun in the moment, then you’re more likely to do it again,” Milyavskaya says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So if you want your child to love salmon, talk about how great it tastes with yummy, garlicky soy sauce and wild rice. And how great it makes you feel right after eating it. Something that a frozen ultra-processed dinner won’t do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Michaeleen Doucleff has a Ph.D. in chemistry and is a longtime science journalist (including previously for NPR). She has a new parenting book out called \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2026/03/06/nx-s1-5737901/dopamine-kids-parenting-screens\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">\u003cem>Dopamine Kids.\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"npr-transcript\">\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Transcript:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>STEVE INSKEEP, HOST:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>We have some advice about how to help children handle unhealthy habits like eating too many sugary treats or spending too much time on that addictive device in your hand. For decades, psychologists have encouraged parents to help kids build up willpower. Our friend Michaeleen Doucleff reports that some now see a better strategy.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAELEEN DOUCLEFF, BYLINE: In a nutshell, willpower is the ability to resist a temptation right in front of you – your ability to say no to a fast food cheeseburger and choose baked salmon instead, or to resist the video game and finish your homework.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MARINA MILYAVSKAYA: A fruitful resistance of temptation.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: That’s Marina Milyavskaya. She’s a psychologist at Carleton University in Ottawa, Canada. She says scientists once thought that having a lot of willpower was the ticket to a good life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MILYAVSKAYA: People with better willpower would be kind of more successful in life.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: They were more likely to get better grades, have better relationships, even eat healthier diets. Parents have been told to build up their kids’ willpower the way athletes build up muscles, through practice. Let children play video games every day and teach them to stop after 1 hour. Expose your children to sugary and junk food, then teach them how to resist them. But Michael Inzlicht at the University of Toronto says…\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAEL INZLICHT: Evidence from my lab and other people’s labs suggests that it’s not going to help you for the long term.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: In fact, he says, there’s accumulating evidence that trying to build up kids’ willpower actually backfires. By offering children temptations regularly, parents are teaching kids to prefer and want these foods and activities.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>INZLICHT: And guess what the kids are going to like? Fatty foods and sweet foods because that’s what we’re programmed to like.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: So what strategies do work for modern foods and technologies? Wendy Wood is a professor emerita of psychology at the University of Southern California. She says the better strategy is to teach kids to set up their lives so they don’t need to use willpower.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WENDY WOOD: How to choose situations that reduce the likelihood of doing things that aren’t good for them, how to control the temptations.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And you do that by creating times and places in your life where temptations aren’t an option at all.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOOD: How do you learn, when you’re studying, to leave your phone in another room?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: You learn to use apps that block distracting websites and games. You learn to keep sweets and ultra-processed foods out of your house and out of your backpack or car. And, Wood says, parents can teach kids to love the healthier alternative.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOOD: Your kids’ choices are malleable. And it’s really influenced, in part, by what they’re exposed to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Give them oodles of opportunities to experience the pleasure of these healthy options. And don’t talk about the healthy options as a burden or a punishment. Studies show that if you celebrate and enjoy the healthy foods and activities, you grow to love them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>WOOD: You can truly learn to like the things that are good for you.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: So if you want your child to love salmon, talk about how great it tastes with yummy, garlicky soy sauce, and how great you feel after eating it, something that a frozen, ultra-processed dinner can’t do.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For NPR News, I’m Michaeleen Doucleff.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>INSKEEP: Man, I want some salmon now. Michaeleen was a longtime NPR science correspondent and has a lot more about kids, junk food and screens in her new book called “Dopamine Kids.”\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>Sports were always central to Rob Minnick’s life. While growing up, children’s birthday parties were celebrated on Sundays so that the adults could watch the Eagles game while the kids ate cake.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Sports were consistently present throughout my life,” Minnick, now 26, told me.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When online sports gambling became legal, and television ads encouraging the practice aired regularly during games, Minnick got the idea that he could profit from his vast sports knowledge by making smart bets. At 18, he started gambling daily on fantasy sports sites that allow players to create fantasy teams made up of professional athletes; players make wagers on the athletes’ performances for a single game at a time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Later he started gambling on FanDuel and DraftKings, the two largest online sports gambling sites, but by then he’d already fallen into debt three times. On a trip to Paris funded by his gambling wins, Minnick began to confront his compulsion when he found himself playing slots on his phone while perched on the toilet, contemplating the giant losses he’d just incurred.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“For the first time, I asked myself, ‘Why did I do that?’” he said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since the \u003ca href=\"https://www.oyez.org/cases/2017/16-476\">U.S. Supreme Court\u003c/a> removed the legal barriers that had prohibited states from allowing gambling, some 31 now permit sports betting over phones or websites, and seven states have authorized online casino gambling. The result of this legal shift “is a crisis, an epidemic of gambling disorder and financial disruption, especially for young men,” writes Jonathan Cohen, author of “\u003ca href=\"https://www.jonathandcohen.com/\">Losing Big: America’s Reckless Bet on Sports Gambling.\u003c/a>”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nearly \u003ca href=\"https://scri.siena.edu/2025/02/18/22-of-all-americans-half-of-men-18-49-have-active-online-sports-betting-account/\">half\u003c/a> of men from 18 to 49 — or 22 percent of all Americans — have an active sports betting account, according to the Siena Research Institute. A national \u003ca href=\"https://www.fdu.edu/news/fdu-poll-finds-online-betting-leads-to-problems-for-young-men/\">poll\u003c/a> conducted by Farleigh Dickinson University found that ten percent of men between 18 and 30 may be problem gamblers, a function of the availability of online betting on sports and slot machines. Underage gambling also is on the rise. The largest demographic group calling gambling hotlines are teenagers and young adults in their twenties, and Yale Medicine \u003ca href=\"https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/gambling-disorder\">reports\u003c/a> that many troubles begin when players are adolescents. Gamblers who start \u003ca href=\"https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-gambling/symptoms-causes/syc-20355178\">young\u003c/a> are more apt to develop a problem in adulthood. While betting can be another form of entertainment for many, those with a problem have a higher rate of suicide than alcoholics or drug addicts. Further, the Journal of Pediatrics reported that underage gambling is \u003ca href=\"https://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(19)30425-1/fulltext\">linked\u003c/a> to substance abuse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you think your kid isn’t gambling, either he’s an exception or you’re deluding yourself,” Cohen told me. “Your son, if he plays video games or likes sports, is almost certainly gambling in some way,” he added.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like Minnick, some teenagers play games on sites that their parents might not realize involve wagering: Underdog Fantasy, PrizePicks and Sleeper Picks, for example, fall under the category of fantasy sports, and most states permit 18-year-olds to take part. (All but a handful of states require that players be at least 21 to place bets on the large online sites like DraftKings and BetMGM.) Tech savvy and more determined teenagers might also find ways to get around the prominent sites’ age requirements by sneaking their parents’ Social Security numbers and using Apple Pay to fund the habit. The cool high school kid, Minnick said, is the one who has access to his parents’ FanDuel account and is allowed to wager there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Most parents have no idea how much their kids are being targeted by predatory gambling,” said Les Bernal, who runs the advocacy group \u003ca href=\"https://www.stoppredatorygambling.org/who-we-are/\">Stop Predatory Gambling\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Experts on the gambling industry encourage parents to act.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Talk about gambling\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>“The messages kids are getting about gambling is coming from commercials and advertising,” Cohen said. Some of the most prominent promoters are the biggest stars in sports: football legends \u003ca href=\"https://publicgaming.com/news-categories/sports-betting-daily-fantasy-sports/13768-eli-peyton-manning-to-star-in-fanduel-kick-of-destiny-commercials\">Eli and Peyton Manning\u003c/a>, golfing standout \u003ca href=\"https://www.golfdigest.com/story/jordan-spieth-fanduel-sportsbook-gambling-pga-tour\">Jordan Spieth\u003c/a>, basketball greats \u003ca href=\"https://gamingamerica.com/news/11988/draftkings-ad-starring-kevin-hart-and-lebron-james-highlighted-for-its-effectiveness\">LeBron James\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.casino.org/news/shaquille-oneal-joins-draftkings-brand-ambassador/\">Shaquille O’Neal\u003c/a>,\u003ca href=\"%22https://www.casino.org/news/shaquille-oneal-joins-draftkings-brand-ambassadorShaquille\"> Red Sox hitter \u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ispot.tv/ad/24CG/draftkings-super-bowl-2023-pre-release-everyone-gets-a-free-bet-featuring-kevin-hart\">David Ortiz\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"%22https://www.casino.org/news/shaquille-oneal-joins-draftkings-brand-ambassadorShaquille\">. \u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“These athletes create a level of trust in gambling,” said Samantha Thomas, a professor of public health at Deakin University in Australia. “They think, ‘if Shaq is doing it, it can’t be a bad thing’,” she added.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As daunting as it may be to challenge the wisdom of the stars, caring grown-ups need to counteract that messaging. Many already talk to their children about pornography, drugs and alcohol abuse. The same should be said of gambling. “This will not change unless parents talk about it,” Bernal said.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Messages for kids about gambling\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>DraftKings and FanDuel sell the idea that gambling is fun, there’s money to be made, and that those with expertise in athletics might have an advantage, playing to some boys’ overconfidence in their sports’ knowledge.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thomas advises parents to press the message about the industry’s motives: it promotes gambling not to help others make money, but to take it themselves. Remind them that the gambling industry does not have the players’ best interest at heart. They need to realize what most adults already do — that the house always wins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids need to learn that no matter their knowledge of athletes and teams, there’s no career in sports betting, and that gambling addiction is real. They need to understand that “chasing your losses” — doubling down on bets after losing a lot — is a symptom of addiction. If they fall into trouble, kids need reassurance that they can ask for help.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to talk about gambling with kids\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Threats and scare tactics can backfire.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If my parents had said, ‘Never gamble again!’ I’d have done it faster,” Rob Minnick told me. Bernal said that kids respond better to information. He advised telling kids that gambling is highly addictive and informing them that the whole scene is a rip-off — the companies see you as an easy mark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Minnick encouraged parents to keep talking about it and making it easy for your child to reveal his problem. And if the teenager discloses a gambling problem at any level, like betting or losing more than intended, treat it as seriously as you would drugs or alcohol addiction.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Practice what you preach about gambling\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>“Don’t take your kids to casinos,” Bernal said. “That would be like taking drugs in front of your kids,” he added. Parents who gamble should model safe habits and bet responsibly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On November 12, 2022, Minnick took his last wager. It followed a 12-hour gambling binge, in which he lost all his money and accumulated debts that would take six months to repay. For the second time in his life, he went to a rehab facility and “detoxed” from the habit. He’s free of the urge to wager, Minnick said, because he found meaning in helping other problem gamblers give it up. He started an organization called \u003ca href=\"https://www.odaatgamblingawareness.com/resources\">ODAAT\u003c/a> (One Day At A Time) that offers resources to gamblers and their families, including information on rehab, financial counseling and educational videos.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I found my purpose,” Minnick said.\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since the \u003ca href=\"https://www.oyez.org/cases/2017/16-476\">U.S. Supreme Court\u003c/a> removed the legal barriers that had prohibited states from allowing gambling, some 31 now permit sports betting over phones or websites, and seven states have authorized online casino gambling. The result of this legal shift “is a crisis, an epidemic of gambling disorder and financial disruption, especially for young men,” writes Jonathan Cohen, author of “\u003ca href=\"https://www.jonathandcohen.com/\">Losing Big: America’s Reckless Bet on Sports Gambling.\u003c/a>”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Nearly \u003ca href=\"https://scri.siena.edu/2025/02/18/22-of-all-americans-half-of-men-18-49-have-active-online-sports-betting-account/\">half\u003c/a> of men from 18 to 49 — or 22 percent of all Americans — have an active sports betting account, according to the Siena Research Institute. A national \u003ca href=\"https://www.fdu.edu/news/fdu-poll-finds-online-betting-leads-to-problems-for-young-men/\">poll\u003c/a> conducted by Farleigh Dickinson University found that ten percent of men between 18 and 30 may be problem gamblers, a function of the availability of online betting on sports and slot machines. Underage gambling also is on the rise. The largest demographic group calling gambling hotlines are teenagers and young adults in their twenties, and Yale Medicine \u003ca href=\"https://www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/gambling-disorder\">reports\u003c/a> that many troubles begin when players are adolescents. Gamblers who start \u003ca href=\"https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-gambling/symptoms-causes/syc-20355178\">young\u003c/a> are more apt to develop a problem in adulthood. While betting can be another form of entertainment for many, those with a problem have a higher rate of suicide than alcoholics or drug addicts. Further, the Journal of Pediatrics reported that underage gambling is \u003ca href=\"https://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(19)30425-1/fulltext\">linked\u003c/a> to substance abuse.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If you think your kid isn’t gambling, either he’s an exception or you’re deluding yourself,” Cohen told me. “Your son, if he plays video games or likes sports, is almost certainly gambling in some way,” he added.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Like Minnick, some teenagers play games on sites that their parents might not realize involve wagering: Underdog Fantasy, PrizePicks and Sleeper Picks, for example, fall under the category of fantasy sports, and most states permit 18-year-olds to take part. (All but a handful of states require that players be at least 21 to place bets on the large online sites like DraftKings and BetMGM.) Tech savvy and more determined teenagers might also find ways to get around the prominent sites’ age requirements by sneaking their parents’ Social Security numbers and using Apple Pay to fund the habit. The cool high school kid, Minnick said, is the one who has access to his parents’ FanDuel account and is allowed to wager there.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Most parents have no idea how much their kids are being targeted by predatory gambling,” said Les Bernal, who runs the advocacy group \u003ca href=\"https://www.stoppredatorygambling.org/who-we-are/\">Stop Predatory Gambling\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Experts on the gambling industry encourage parents to act.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Talk about gambling\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>“The messages kids are getting about gambling is coming from commercials and advertising,” Cohen said. Some of the most prominent promoters are the biggest stars in sports: football legends \u003ca href=\"https://publicgaming.com/news-categories/sports-betting-daily-fantasy-sports/13768-eli-peyton-manning-to-star-in-fanduel-kick-of-destiny-commercials\">Eli and Peyton Manning\u003c/a>, golfing standout \u003ca href=\"https://www.golfdigest.com/story/jordan-spieth-fanduel-sportsbook-gambling-pga-tour\">Jordan Spieth\u003c/a>, basketball greats \u003ca href=\"https://gamingamerica.com/news/11988/draftkings-ad-starring-kevin-hart-and-lebron-james-highlighted-for-its-effectiveness\">LeBron James\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.casino.org/news/shaquille-oneal-joins-draftkings-brand-ambassador/\">Shaquille O’Neal\u003c/a>,\u003ca href=\"%22https://www.casino.org/news/shaquille-oneal-joins-draftkings-brand-ambassadorShaquille\"> Red Sox hitter \u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ispot.tv/ad/24CG/draftkings-super-bowl-2023-pre-release-everyone-gets-a-free-bet-featuring-kevin-hart\">David Ortiz\u003c/a>\u003ca href=\"%22https://www.casino.org/news/shaquille-oneal-joins-draftkings-brand-ambassadorShaquille\">. \u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“These athletes create a level of trust in gambling,” said Samantha Thomas, a professor of public health at Deakin University in Australia. “They think, ‘if Shaq is doing it, it can’t be a bad thing’,” she added.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As daunting as it may be to challenge the wisdom of the stars, caring grown-ups need to counteract that messaging. Many already talk to their children about pornography, drugs and alcohol abuse. The same should be said of gambling. “This will not change unless parents talk about it,” Bernal said.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Messages for kids about gambling\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>DraftKings and FanDuel sell the idea that gambling is fun, there’s money to be made, and that those with expertise in athletics might have an advantage, playing to some boys’ overconfidence in their sports’ knowledge.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thomas advises parents to press the message about the industry’s motives: it promotes gambling not to help others make money, but to take it themselves. Remind them that the gambling industry does not have the players’ best interest at heart. They need to realize what most adults already do — that the house always wins.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids need to learn that no matter their knowledge of athletes and teams, there’s no career in sports betting, and that gambling addiction is real. They need to understand that “chasing your losses” — doubling down on bets after losing a lot — is a symptom of addiction. If they fall into trouble, kids need reassurance that they can ask for help.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to talk about gambling with kids\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Threats and scare tactics can backfire.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“If my parents had said, ‘Never gamble again!’ I’d have done it faster,” Rob Minnick told me. Bernal said that kids respond better to information. He advised telling kids that gambling is highly addictive and informing them that the whole scene is a rip-off — the companies see you as an easy mark.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Minnick encouraged parents to keep talking about it and making it easy for your child to reveal his problem. And if the teenager discloses a gambling problem at any level, like betting or losing more than intended, treat it as seriously as you would drugs or alcohol addiction.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Practice what you preach about gambling\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>“Don’t take your kids to casinos,” Bernal said. “That would be like taking drugs in front of your kids,” he added. Parents who gamble should model safe habits and bet responsibly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On November 12, 2022, Minnick took his last wager. It followed a 12-hour gambling binge, in which he lost all his money and accumulated debts that would take six months to repay. For the second time in his life, he went to a rehab facility and “detoxed” from the habit. He’s free of the urge to wager, Minnick said, because he found meaning in helping other problem gamblers give it up. He started an organization called \u003ca href=\"https://www.odaatgamblingawareness.com/resources\">ODAAT\u003c/a> (One Day At A Time) that offers resources to gamblers and their families, including information on rehab, financial counseling and educational videos.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I found my purpose,” Minnick said.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>So much of parenting takes place in the doldrums of everyday life — planning meals, blowing noses, soothing yet another tantrum and tackling the endless mountain of laundry. Yet, every so often, a magical moment occurs that makes parenting feel like the miracle it truly is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maybe your child utters a new word, the siblings who usually bicker are suddenly snuggled up together on the couch, or an impromptu kitchen dance party erupts out of nowhere. Researchers call the feeling sparked by these moments “awe.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Experiencing awe with your child might bring tears to your eyes, make your heart feel like it’s bursting, or leave you with a profound sense of connection to something greater than yourself. These awe-inspiring moments might arise when your child does something unexpectedly kind, reaches a new developmental milestone, says something hilariously wise, or simply shares a quiet, beautiful moment with you in nature.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>The Magic of Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Awe is more than just a powerful emotion — it has real benefits. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> shows that parents who experience more moments of awe report greater life satisfaction, fewer negative emotions, and a deeper sense of meaning and emotional richness in their lives. While both awe and pride are positive experiences, they are distinctly different. Pride comes from feeling pleased with something your child has accomplished, whereas awe is a more transcendent, almost spiritual experience of wonder.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Interestingly, \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">research\u003c/a> suggests that awe may be an even more rewarding experience than pride.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Researchers\u003c/a> have even generated feelings of awe in the laboratory by asking parent to remember an experience with their child in which they experienced awe. Simply remembering these experiences caused parents to report that their lives were more full, interesting, and meaningful!\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Experience this Magic in Your Own Life\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So research finds that experiencing awe may really enrich your life but how do you generate these experiences in your own life?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Be present in the moment. Awe can only be experienced if you are noticing what is going on around you. Pay attention to your senses. Really look at your child’s face, smell their hair, really listen to their voice, or feel their soft skin.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Make an effort to notice the good in your child. You are more likely to experience awe when you are paying attention to the positive aspects of your child. Because our brains are wired to notice and solve problems, it can often take conscious effort to focus on the good.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Reflect on the miracles of parenting and raising a child, such as your child intuitively trusting and loving you, how amazing it is that a collection of cells formed to create your unique child, the profound beauty of being their safe place, and the joy of seeing the world through their eyes.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Think back on awe-inducing experiences. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> finds simply thinking back on times when you felt awe may improve your life. Keep a journal of these moments or simply jot them down in the Notes app on your phone and read through this list when you need a boost.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Teach Your Children to Experience Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>There are so many benefits of teaching your children to share in the experience of awe with you. Research finds that experiencing awe may make children \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more hard-working\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more generous\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38294048/\">more motivated\u003c/a>. So how can you encourage your child to experience awe?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Engage in activities with your child that are likely to inspire awe (\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35457603/\">nature, music, or art\u003c/a> are great options). Take a long walk in the woods, visit an art museum together, or attend a concert.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Seek out new and interesting experiences with your child. \u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9992215/\">Research\u003c/a> finds that novelty is likely to inspire awe. You can make a habit of trying new sports, new foods, or a new craft project together or exploring a new area together. Ask questions during these experiences such as “What surprised you?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Go on an “\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32955293/\">awe walk\u003c/a>” with your child in which you pay attention to everything around you. Be fully present and ask your child what they are seeing, hearing, and smelling. Collect items like rocks and leaves and feel their texture. Turn off your phone and try to be fully present in the moment. When kids see your delight hen you hear a bird or catch a snowflake on your tongue, it can inspire them to look for small wonders, too.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Encourage your child’s curiosity and wonder. You can do this by asking them open-ended questions about the world around them and paying attention to and responding thoughtfully to their question. \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/See-You-Wonder-Board-Books/dp/B0DJ22MY97/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3AR3KJ2197049&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.SBPIzbkIpPxoVTAy-qLkUIwWF9I15sXCAEw8ESuwsRVUBqDDVMirqExSIoQLDwUS7xYD3XvJZBaem42hNG4Mg5ox-7t6bJq2Yd-ZBCnihfZsAWNvI73fX9fHxxoNi2eePueTdO0k6YM-NQNlsZUXPrgx346PeHgShnpgAkv7UQDrxcsawFA9eXBnnkRx1xnZ3RTSm2O2szo1zaEjpRXvRA5lKZuCMsuOcmGYF5WxDLI.1NUXT7c9HR4gB6wY9W-d-6o4Zq-FRo04hzmWz8hJ9l0&dib_tag=se&keywords=i%20see%20wonder&qid=1757901111&s=books&sprefix=i%20see%20wonder%2Cstripbooks%2C115&sr=1-1&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">I See You Wonder\u003c/a> is a book that you can read with your child to teach you both ways to encourage curiosity and wonder in everyday life.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Watch TV shows or movies that inspire awe such as Planet Earth or nature documentaries like March of the Penguins, or if you are limited on time, the short video clip below I use often used in research to elicit feelings of awe:\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6-2fVsFV8E&t=73s\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>Overall Translation\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and it’s easy to focus solely on the daily challenges we face. But there’s also a surprising amount of magic woven into everyday life with children—and paying attention to that magic can help both you and your child experience something researchers call \u003cem>awe\u003c/em>. These awe-filled moments aren’t just feel-good; they actually make life feel richer, more meaningful, and emotionally rewarding. In fact, simply \u003cem>remembering\u003c/em> a moment of awe with your child can give your brain a boost. So next time you’re elbow-deep in diaper duty or playing referee in a sibling showdown, keep an eye out for those little miracles. They’re doing more for you than you think.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Expert Review\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>This post was reviewed by Deborah Farmer Kris. Deborah is a child development expert and the author of “Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive,” the\u003cem> I See You\u003c/em> board book series, and the \u003cem>All the Time\u003c/em> picture book series. Her bylines include CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR’s Mindshift, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. Deborah is currently an expert advisor for the PBS KIDS show, “Carl the Collector,” and spent 20+ years as a K-12 educator. You can purchase her books \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/stores/Deborah-Farmer-Kris/author/B09GK2JYGD?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1757960174&sr=8-1&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true&ccs_id=7390a3fd-e6a4-4631-9f35-0b5551a5bfb7&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">here\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>So much of parenting takes place in the doldrums of everyday life — planning meals, blowing noses, soothing yet another tantrum and tackling the endless mountain of laundry. Yet, every so often, a magical moment occurs that makes parenting feel like the miracle it truly is.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Maybe your child utters a new word, the siblings who usually bicker are suddenly snuggled up together on the couch, or an impromptu kitchen dance party erupts out of nowhere. Researchers call the feeling sparked by these moments “awe.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Experiencing awe with your child might bring tears to your eyes, make your heart feel like it’s bursting, or leave you with a profound sense of connection to something greater than yourself. These awe-inspiring moments might arise when your child does something unexpectedly kind, reaches a new developmental milestone, says something hilariously wise, or simply shares a quiet, beautiful moment with you in nature.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>The Magic of Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Awe is more than just a powerful emotion — it has real benefits. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> shows that parents who experience more moments of awe report greater life satisfaction, fewer negative emotions, and a deeper sense of meaning and emotional richness in their lives. While both awe and pride are positive experiences, they are distinctly different. Pride comes from feeling pleased with something your child has accomplished, whereas awe is a more transcendent, almost spiritual experience of wonder.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Interestingly, \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">research\u003c/a> suggests that awe may be an even more rewarding experience than pride.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Researchers\u003c/a> have even generated feelings of awe in the laboratory by asking parent to remember an experience with their child in which they experienced awe. Simply remembering these experiences caused parents to report that their lives were more full, interesting, and meaningful!\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Experience this Magic in Your Own Life\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So research finds that experiencing awe may really enrich your life but how do you generate these experiences in your own life?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Be present in the moment. Awe can only be experienced if you are noticing what is going on around you. Pay attention to your senses. Really look at your child’s face, smell their hair, really listen to their voice, or feel their soft skin.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Make an effort to notice the good in your child. You are more likely to experience awe when you are paying attention to the positive aspects of your child. Because our brains are wired to notice and solve problems, it can often take conscious effort to focus on the good.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Reflect on the miracles of parenting and raising a child, such as your child intuitively trusting and loving you, how amazing it is that a collection of cells formed to create your unique child, the profound beauty of being their safe place, and the joy of seeing the world through their eyes.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Think back on awe-inducing experiences. \u003ca href=\"https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/19485506251332690\">Research\u003c/a> finds simply thinking back on times when you felt awe may improve your life. Keep a journal of these moments or simply jot them down in the Notes app on your phone and read through this list when you need a boost.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>How to Teach Your Children to Experience Awe\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>There are so many benefits of teaching your children to share in the experience of awe with you. Research finds that experiencing awe may make children \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more hard-working\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/36745740/\">more generous\u003c/a>, and \u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/38294048/\">more motivated\u003c/a>. So how can you encourage your child to experience awe?\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Engage in activities with your child that are likely to inspire awe (\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35457603/\">nature, music, or art\u003c/a> are great options). Take a long walk in the woods, visit an art museum together, or attend a concert.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Seek out new and interesting experiences with your child. \u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9992215/\">Research\u003c/a> finds that novelty is likely to inspire awe. You can make a habit of trying new sports, new foods, or a new craft project together or exploring a new area together. Ask questions during these experiences such as “What surprised you?” or “What did you learn from this experience?”\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Go on an “\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32955293/\">awe walk\u003c/a>” with your child in which you pay attention to everything around you. Be fully present and ask your child what they are seeing, hearing, and smelling. Collect items like rocks and leaves and feel their texture. Turn off your phone and try to be fully present in the moment. When kids see your delight hen you hear a bird or catch a snowflake on your tongue, it can inspire them to look for small wonders, too.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Encourage your child’s curiosity and wonder. You can do this by asking them open-ended questions about the world around them and paying attention to and responding thoughtfully to their question. \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/See-You-Wonder-Board-Books/dp/B0DJ22MY97/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3AR3KJ2197049&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.SBPIzbkIpPxoVTAy-qLkUIwWF9I15sXCAEw8ESuwsRVUBqDDVMirqExSIoQLDwUS7xYD3XvJZBaem42hNG4Mg5ox-7t6bJq2Yd-ZBCnihfZsAWNvI73fX9fHxxoNi2eePueTdO0k6YM-NQNlsZUXPrgx346PeHgShnpgAkv7UQDrxcsawFA9eXBnnkRx1xnZ3RTSm2O2szo1zaEjpRXvRA5lKZuCMsuOcmGYF5WxDLI.1NUXT7c9HR4gB6wY9W-d-6o4Zq-FRo04hzmWz8hJ9l0&dib_tag=se&keywords=i%20see%20wonder&qid=1757901111&s=books&sprefix=i%20see%20wonder%2Cstripbooks%2C115&sr=1-1&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">I See You Wonder\u003c/a> is a book that you can read with your child to teach you both ways to encourage curiosity and wonder in everyday life.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Watch TV shows or movies that inspire awe such as Planet Earth or nature documentaries like March of the Penguins, or if you are limited on time, the short video clip below I use often used in research to elicit feelings of awe:\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/N6-2fVsFV8E'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/N6-2fVsFV8E'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003ch2>Overall Translation\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, and it’s easy to focus solely on the daily challenges we face. But there’s also a surprising amount of magic woven into everyday life with children—and paying attention to that magic can help both you and your child experience something researchers call \u003cem>awe\u003c/em>. These awe-filled moments aren’t just feel-good; they actually make life feel richer, more meaningful, and emotionally rewarding. In fact, simply \u003cem>remembering\u003c/em> a moment of awe with your child can give your brain a boost. So next time you’re elbow-deep in diaper duty or playing referee in a sibling showdown, keep an eye out for those little miracles. They’re doing more for you than you think.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Expert Review\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>This post was reviewed by Deborah Farmer Kris. Deborah is a child development expert and the author of “Raising Awe-Seekers: How the Science of Wonder Helps Our Kids Thrive,” the\u003cem> I See You\u003c/em> board book series, and the \u003cem>All the Time\u003c/em> picture book series. Her bylines include CNN, PBS KIDS, NPR’s Mindshift, The Washington Post, the Boston Globe Magazine, and Oprah Daily. Deborah is currently an expert advisor for the PBS KIDS show, “Carl the Collector,” and spent 20+ years as a K-12 educator. You can purchase her books \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/stores/Deborah-Farmer-Kris/author/B09GK2JYGD?ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1&qid=1757960174&sr=8-1&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true&ccs_id=7390a3fd-e6a4-4631-9f35-0b5551a5bfb7&utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email\">here\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Cara Goodwin, PhD, is a licensed psychologist, a mother of four and the founder of \u003ca href=\"https://parentingtranslator.substack.com/\">Parenting Translator\u003c/a>, a nonprofit newsletter that turns scientific research into information that is accurate, relevant and useful for parents.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>When Devon B. was in the fourth grade, the elementary school she attended in Chatham, NJ, noted the wintry conditions about to develop and announced an early dismissal. It was noon and snowflakes had begun to fall, prompting the school to call Devon’s mother. Could she come and pick up her child? It’s OK for Devon to walk, the mother said; home was just half a mile from school. As Devon trudged through the snow, her mother received a handful of calls from concerned parents. Should she be walking alone in this weather?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“In situations like this when there is such a small likelihood of danger, it is so much better for a child to be given that independence,” said \u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/\">Melinda Wenner Moyer\u003c/a>, a journalist and author of “\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/751131/hello-cruel-world-by-melinda-wenner-moyer/\">Hello, Cruel World! Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times\u003c/a>.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“These are the opportunities we need to give kids to build confidence and resilience,” she added. Inviting children to take healthy risks is just one bit of counsel Moyer offers parents. To prepare kids for an uncertain future, parents should help their offspring learn how to cope, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62762/how-parents-can-help-their-kids-feel-seen\">connect with others\u003c/a> and cultivate important competencies. Hello, Cruel World! relies on research to explain why children need these skills and offers direction to parents on how best to promote them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids are better able to cope when they learn how to be kind to themselves; self-compassion translates into less anxiety, stress and depression — and more kindness towards others. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">Resilience\u003c/a>, the ability to handle adversity and keep going after failure or disappointment, is also crucial for children. And understanding the need for rest and recovery keeps kids from accepting a permanent state of stress, which erodes well-being. Developing these resources will offer some protection over time against drug abuse and addiction, scourges that afflict those who lack coping skills.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-65547\" src=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2025/05/Hello-Cruel-World.jpeg\" alt=\"Book jacket\" width=\"250\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2025/05/Hello-Cruel-World.jpeg 290w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2025/05/Hello-Cruel-World-160x248.jpeg 160w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 250px) 100vw, 250px\">\u003c/a>What can parents do? Give kids the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61186/what-parents-need-to-know-about-their-teens-mental-health\">vocabulary to discuss their feelings\u003c/a> and make clear that being sad or upset is not an abnormality but a part of life, Moyer advises. Back off the performance pressure and normalize failure by sharing your own struggles. Avoid jumping in at every sign of distress, as children interpret such interventions as a sign of their own incompetence. Also, get away from hovering over and tracking your kids, as excessive parental involvement shrinks kids’ motivation and undermines school performance. And resist the false notion that danger lurks at every turn by permitting your child to take reasonable risks—and allowing him to squirm. Along the way, model the behavior you’re promoting: demonstrate self-compassion, use substances responsibly and don’t apologize for taking a break. Moyer offers much more in the way of research-backed advice on boosting children’s coping abilities.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Learning how to connect with others is essential, especially as American society fractures and online activities supplant in-person interactions. Kids need help building compassion and empathy for others and skills in establishing stable relationships, as well as a healthy curiosity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mothers and fathers can nurture their kids’ connection skills by showing compassion and concern for others. Building kids’ “cognitive empathy”— understanding another’s emotions without taking on the feeling itself—is more apt to develop when parents talk about feelings, actively listen to their children and avoid scolding them for expressing distasteful views. “Take a breath and bring it up later,” Moyer advises. Invite even very young children to help around the home and be affectionate with daughters and sons. Boys are every bit in need of emotional support as girls, especially given the subtle cues they receive to “man up” at the first sign of anguish. Promote curiosity by asking kids questions and welcoming their queries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If learning how to cope and connect build well-being, figuring out how to cultivate practical abilities is more of an “outward-turning” talent, one that will help children “engage with the world in a way that’s healthy and productive and constructive,” Moyer told me. Kids need to grasp some basic life skills that may be absent from the school curriculum: financial literacy, media knowledge and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62233/how-to-help-your-kids-navigate-social-media-without-getting-lost\">social media savvy.\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To facilitate these abilities, parents can talk often about budgets, investments and debt. Absent these open discussions, kids will struggle to understand how to manage income and expenses—a growing concern for many young people who are struggling to get by. To support media literacy, mothers and fathers can educate their children about logical fallacies and ask questions about the information itself. What’s missing from the story? Who might benefit? Practicing good media hygiene themselves also helps, as does showing a willingness to tolerate uncertainty. As for social media, parents might allow access to such sites gradually and be mindful of a teenager’s use; active engagement is better than passive use. Try not to panic and be mindful of how often you turn to Instagram and TikTok.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Though her book bursts with guidance, Moyer admits to a certain queasiness about providing parenting advice. “There is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising kids,” she writes, acknowledging that a particular strategy that works for one child may blow up with another. Moyer encourages parents to embrace the approaches that best suit their own family and keep the big picture in mind. When in doubt, Moyer concludes, stick to these three truisms: preparing children is better than protecting them; listening beats lecturing; and comforting is more productive than scolding. “You don’t have to be a perfect parent and it’s good if you’re not,” she told me.\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>When Devon B. was in the fourth grade, the elementary school she attended in Chatham, NJ, noted the wintry conditions about to develop and announced an early dismissal. It was noon and snowflakes had begun to fall, prompting the school to call Devon’s mother. Could she come and pick up her child? It’s OK for Devon to walk, the mother said; home was just half a mile from school. As Devon trudged through the snow, her mother received a handful of calls from concerned parents. Should she be walking alone in this weather?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“In situations like this when there is such a small likelihood of danger, it is so much better for a child to be given that independence,” said \u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/\">Melinda Wenner Moyer\u003c/a>, a journalist and author of “\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/751131/hello-cruel-world-by-melinda-wenner-moyer/\">Hello, Cruel World! Science-Based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times\u003c/a>.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“These are the opportunities we need to give kids to build confidence and resilience,” she added. Inviting children to take healthy risks is just one bit of counsel Moyer offers parents. To prepare kids for an uncertain future, parents should help their offspring learn how to cope, \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62762/how-parents-can-help-their-kids-feel-seen\">connect with others\u003c/a> and cultivate important competencies. Hello, Cruel World! relies on research to explain why children need these skills and offers direction to parents on how best to promote them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kids are better able to cope when they learn how to be kind to themselves; self-compassion translates into less anxiety, stress and depression — and more kindness towards others. \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62235/teens-are-overwhelmed-by-pressure-to-achieve-how-can-parents-restore-balance\">Resilience\u003c/a>, the ability to handle adversity and keep going after failure or disappointment, is also crucial for children. And understanding the need for rest and recovery keeps kids from accepting a permanent state of stress, which erodes well-being. Developing these resources will offer some protection over time against drug abuse and addiction, scourges that afflict those who lack coping skills.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.melindawennermoyer.com/\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-65547\" src=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2025/05/Hello-Cruel-World.jpeg\" alt=\"Book jacket\" width=\"250\" height=\"388\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2025/05/Hello-Cruel-World.jpeg 290w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/23/2025/05/Hello-Cruel-World-160x248.jpeg 160w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 250px) 100vw, 250px\">\u003c/a>What can parents do? Give kids the \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/61186/what-parents-need-to-know-about-their-teens-mental-health\">vocabulary to discuss their feelings\u003c/a> and make clear that being sad or upset is not an abnormality but a part of life, Moyer advises. Back off the performance pressure and normalize failure by sharing your own struggles. Avoid jumping in at every sign of distress, as children interpret such interventions as a sign of their own incompetence. Also, get away from hovering over and tracking your kids, as excessive parental involvement shrinks kids’ motivation and undermines school performance. And resist the false notion that danger lurks at every turn by permitting your child to take reasonable risks—and allowing him to squirm. Along the way, model the behavior you’re promoting: demonstrate self-compassion, use substances responsibly and don’t apologize for taking a break. Moyer offers much more in the way of research-backed advice on boosting children’s coping abilities.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Learning how to connect with others is essential, especially as American society fractures and online activities supplant in-person interactions. Kids need help building compassion and empathy for others and skills in establishing stable relationships, as well as a healthy curiosity.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Mothers and fathers can nurture their kids’ connection skills by showing compassion and concern for others. Building kids’ “cognitive empathy”— understanding another’s emotions without taking on the feeling itself—is more apt to develop when parents talk about feelings, actively listen to their children and avoid scolding them for expressing distasteful views. “Take a breath and bring it up later,” Moyer advises. Invite even very young children to help around the home and be affectionate with daughters and sons. Boys are every bit in need of emotional support as girls, especially given the subtle cues they receive to “man up” at the first sign of anguish. Promote curiosity by asking kids questions and welcoming their queries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If learning how to cope and connect build well-being, figuring out how to cultivate practical abilities is more of an “outward-turning” talent, one that will help children “engage with the world in a way that’s healthy and productive and constructive,” Moyer told me. Kids need to grasp some basic life skills that may be absent from the school curriculum: financial literacy, media knowledge and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/62233/how-to-help-your-kids-navigate-social-media-without-getting-lost\">social media savvy.\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>To facilitate these abilities, parents can talk often about budgets, investments and debt. Absent these open discussions, kids will struggle to understand how to manage income and expenses—a growing concern for many young people who are struggling to get by. To support media literacy, mothers and fathers can educate their children about logical fallacies and ask questions about the information itself. What’s missing from the story? Who might benefit? Practicing good media hygiene themselves also helps, as does showing a willingness to tolerate uncertainty. As for social media, parents might allow access to such sites gradually and be mindful of a teenager’s use; active engagement is better than passive use. Try not to panic and be mindful of how often you turn to Instagram and TikTok.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Though her book bursts with guidance, Moyer admits to a certain queasiness about providing parenting advice. “There is no one-size-fits-all approach to raising kids,” she writes, acknowledging that a particular strategy that works for one child may blow up with another. Moyer encourages parents to embrace the approaches that best suit their own family and keep the big picture in mind. When in doubt, Moyer concludes, stick to these three truisms: preparing children is better than protecting them; listening beats lecturing; and comforting is more productive than scolding. “You don’t have to be a perfect parent and it’s good if you’re not,” she told me.\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"slug": "how-to-keep-violent-porn-out-of-your-home-and-away-from-your-kids",
"title": "How to Keep Violent Porn Out of Your Home and Away From Your Kids",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003cem>Caution: This story contains descriptions of sexual assault.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For many years, I thought concerns over children’s exposure to pornography didn’t apply to my daughter. She’s only 9 years old and \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/04/14/1244000143/anxious-generation-kids-autonomy-freedom\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">has little access to the internet. \u003c/a>She won’t see pornography for years, I thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But that thinking is naive and sorely mistaken, says social scientist \u003ca href=\"https://www.qut.edu.au/about/our-people/academic-profiles/m.flood\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Michael Flood\u003c/a>, who’s at Queensland University of Technology in Australia. He has been studying how pornography impacts children for two decades.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“When we survey parents, we find that they often really underestimate the extent to which their own children are likely to have seen pornography,” Flood says. “Virtually every child will encounter pornography.”\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That encounter often occurs at a younger age than many parents realize, Flood adds. In\u003ca href=\"https://www.commonsensemedia.org/press-releases/new-report-reveals-truths-about-how-teens-engage-with-pornography\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> one study from 2023\u003c/a>, researchers found that the average age children first view pornography was around age 12. And 15% of children saw it at age 10 or younger.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And many parents, including myself, make a second mistake about pornography. They don’t actually understand what these videos portray.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Violent, degrading, misogynistic videos\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>“Parents often think children are looking at softcore pornography, like Playboy centerfolds,” Flood says. But pornography today typically shows something else: “men being cruel to women.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Sometimes that’s verbal violence, with hostile and derogatory language. Sometimes that’s violent behaviors, such as strangulation, slapping, or choking,” Flood says. Many times, videos show women enjoying this cruelty, no matter how violent or degrading it is. “That’s not an appropriate form of sexuality education for our 8-year-olds or our 12-year-olds,” he adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2025/03/31/nx-s1-5345097/adolescence-netflix-stephen-graham\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">sexist and violent content is “routine,”\u003c/a> Flood says. In a\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20980228/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> major study from the U.K.\u003c/a>, researchers analyzed 50 of the most popular pornographic videos. Around 90% of them showed overt violence or aggression, overwhelmingly directed toward women, the researchers reported in the journal \u003cem>Violence Against Women\u003c/em>.\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32661813/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> In another study, \u003c/a>researchers analyzed more than 4,000 scenes from two major pornographic websites. About 40% of them included one or more acts of physical aggression. “Spanking, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, and choking were the five most common forms of physical aggression,” the researchers reported in the \u003cem>Archives of Sexual Behavior.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Scientists are beginning to understand how early exposure to this content can impact children’s health and development, says social scientist \u003ca href=\"https://familylife.byu.edu/directory/brian-willoughby\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Brian Willoughby\u003c/a> at Brigham Young University. For instance, it can interfere with children’s learning about consent and the importance of respect in relationships.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The gender dynamics shown in these videos sets up really unhealthy expectations when it comes to intimacy and relationships,” Willoughby says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Studies also find that early exposure increases the risk of developing problematic use of pornography later in life. For young children explicit content can be quite upsetting, shocking, and jarring. “Their understanding of sex, in general, is very limited,” Willoughby says. So they have a hard time understanding what they’re seeing or handling the emotions and physiological responses it triggers in their brains and bodies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For some children, seeing explicit content can even be traumatic, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.meganmaas.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Megan Maas \u003c/a>at Michigan State University. In one of Maas’s studies, a man described what happened when he Googled the word “blowjob” in the sixth grade. “He ended up seeing a genre of pornography, called facial abuse, which shows women gagging on penises,” Maas explains. “The women are often crying, with mascara running down their faces.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The videos triggered a visceral reaction inside of him that made him want to throw up. “Then he just shut off sexually,” Maas says, “The whole experience freaked him out and really changed him.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What parents can do\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the past two years, 21 states have \u003ca href=\"https://avpassociation.com/4271-2/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">passed laws\u003c/a> requiring pornographic sites to verify a user’s age. But every scientist interviewed for this story says it’s imperative for parents to implement protections inside your home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here are three measures to take.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Block content with your router.\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the most powerful tools for protecting children against pornography is already sitting inside your home: your router.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“As a parent, your router is the most important and underappreciated digital device in your home,” says Chris McKenna. He’s the founder and CEO of the company\u003ca href=\"https://www.protectyoungeyes.com/about\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> Protect Young Eyes,\u003c/a> which, over the past decade, has helped schools and churches create \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2024/08/02/nx-s1-5057818/kids-online-safety-act-cyberbullying-children-internet-social-media\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">safer digital spaces.\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Your router acts as a doorway through which the internet enters your home via WiFi. You can, in a way, place a bouncer at the door to your WiFi. You can block any website you want from going through that door and reaching devices that use WiFi. To do that you can:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Directly login to your router through a browser and program it \u003ca href=\"https://www.cnet.com/home/internet/how-to-set-up-and-use-your-wifi-routers-parental-controls/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">to block\u003c/a> explicit websites. Some routers include parental controls; some don’t.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Buy a device that connects to your router and filters out unwanted content, such as \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/learn/bark-home/?utm_source=protect-young-eyes&utm_medium=pye-blog&utm_campaign=2021-router-testing-write-up\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Bark at Home\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://buy.aura.com/parental-controls-4-rdj?utm_source=circle&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=circle-homepage&utm_id=circle-homepage&utm_gateway=parental-controls\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Aura\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>OR\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Buy a router that’s designed specifically to block pornographic content, such as \u003ca href=\"https://gryphonconnect.com/?sca_ref=2923021.oNhQ4TE7HR#erid12211019\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Gryphon\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>McKenna and his team have\u003ca href=\"https://www.protectyoungeyes.com/devices/the-ultimate-guide-to-understanding-routers\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> tested these options\u003c/a> and found that the third one is the easiest and most effective. But it’s expensive. A new router can cost up to $300.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“This router allows you to turn off the internet completely at certain times of day or on certain devices with a phone app,” he explains. “So I could be in Switzerland, and control the whole network in my house.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Add filters to cellular devices, then monitor, too\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Controlling your router clearly won’t stop \u003cem>all\u003c/em> explicit content from entering your home. First and foremost, it won’t stop content on devices that use cellular or mobile data, such as smartphones and tablets that receive cellular data.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This ubiquitous access to explicit content on smartphones is a major reason why many psychologists and pediatricians recommend\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/12/1187130983/smartphone-tween-safe-alternatives\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> waiting until eighth grade or even later \u003c/a>before giving a child a smartphone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another big problem is that explicit content isn’t confined to pornographic websites. Repeated investigations show that it often appears on \u003ca href=\"https://www.wsj.com/tech/instagram-recommends-sexual-videos-to-accounts-for-13-year-olds-tests-show-b6123c65\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">social media platforms\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://bhr.stern.nyu.edu/quick-take/a-new-report-alleges-that-roblox-remains-an-x-rated-pedophile-hellscape-and-what-this-says-about-the-need-for-regulation/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">video games\u003c/a> aimed directly at teenagers and younger children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, as BYU’s Brian Willoughby points out, it won’t prevent children from seeing pornography at a friend’s or relative’s homes, or even at school on other children’s phones. \u003cstrong>“\u003c/strong>The vast majority of young kids access pornography for the first time through their friends,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Willoughby and other scientists recommend using all filters and parental controls that come with devices and apps. But, he emphasizes, parents need to know that these controls don’t work well. “They’re just very easy to get around,” he says. “I think too many parents turn on these filters and walk away. That’s just simply not good enough.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Willoughby recommends that parents frequently monitor children’s activities on apps, games and social media. That doesn’t mean being with the child every time they use their phone, but it does mean having access to their accounts and frequently looking at their content. “See who they’re talking to and what they’re sharing,” he says. “That’s just as important, if not more, than controlling your router, I think.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids will put up a lot of fuss about this monitoring, and talk about how ‘you’re the only parent that does it,’ ” Willoughby says. “What I always tell my kids is, ‘I just love you more than those parents.’ ”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Teach children what to do when they encounter upsetting content\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Finally, every child should be aware that they might stumble upon shocking, scary or upsetting photos and videos on the internet, McKenna says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, teach children what to do when they encounter this content. “At our organization, we teach children to, ‘put it down and tell someone,’ ” he says. Then give the child a list of people who they can tell, including the parent, a grandparent or older sibling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then he recommends practicing that action.\u003cstrong> “\u003c/strong>Have your kid sit at the kitchen counter with their device, and say, ‘listen, I want you to pretend you’ve seen something that makes you uncomfortable. I’m going to go to the bedroom. I want you to close the Chromebook, bring it upstairs, and say to me out loud, ‘Mom, I saw something that made me uncomfortable and I want to talk about it.’ ”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That reenactment gives you a chance to practice another critical skill. “Not freaking out,” McKenna says. If you freak out, the child could be reluctant to come to you again in the future, he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead, reassure the child that they’re not in trouble, they’re safe, and that you love them the same, he says. You could say: “There’s nothing you could click on or look at that would ever change the way I feel about you, honey. You are still my amazing child.\u003cem>“\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Edited by Jane Greenhalgh\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"npr-transcript\">\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Transcript:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MARY LOUISE KELLY, HOST:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Today, kids have access to an unprecedented amount of pornography online. Their exposure to explicit content has risen dramatically, and we are not just talking teenagers. Some younger kids are being exposed, as well, to content that’s often violent and degrading. Michaeleen Doucleff reports. And a caution, this story includes a description of sexual violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAELEEN DOUCLEFF: For a long time, I thought concerns over children’s exposure to pornography didn’t apply to me. My child is only 9 years old, and she has had little access to the internet. But Michael Flood says that thinking is naive and mistaken.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAEL FLOOD: We find that parents often really underestimate the extent to which their own children are likely to have seen pornography.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Flood is a social scientist at Queensland University of Technology in Australia. He’s an internationally recognized researcher on pornography. He says virtually all children will see porn, either accidentally or intentionally. On average, they first encounter it around age 12, and about 15% see it at age 10 or younger. Flood says, many parents are also mistaken about the content of modern pornography.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>FLOOD: Often, we think of kind of softcore pornography, kind of, you know, Playboy centerfolds, that kind of thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: But pornography today typically shows something else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>FLOOD: Often shows men being cruel or damaging towards women, and sometimes that’s verbal violence, using hostile and derogatory language. Sometimes, that’s violent behaviors, such as strangulation, such as slapping.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: One study from the University of Arkansas found that nearly 90% of popular videos show overt violence or aggression primarily toward women.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>FLOOD: That’s not an appropriate form of sexuality education for our 8-year-olds or our 12-year-olds and so PM.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Studies have found that exposure to pornography can interfere with children learning about consent. And for younger kids, the videos can be quite upsetting or traumatic, which is why some states are starting to require pornographic sites to check users’ ages. Brian Willoughby is a social scientist at Brigham Young University.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>BRIAN WILLOUGHBY: It is very important that we provide some very clear gatekeepers that try to prevent some of that exposure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And there’s one very important gatekeeper already in your home. That’s your router.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>CHRIS MCKENNA: Your router, as a parent, is the most important and underappreciated digital device in your home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: That’s Chris McKenna. He’s the founder of Protect Young Eyes, a company that helps families, schools, and churches create safer digital spaces. He says it starts by gaining control of your router.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: That is the door through which internet traffic comes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And you can block any website you want from going through that door and reaching devices that use Wi-Fi. It’s like putting a bouncer at the door to your internet. In fact, McKenna says you can buy a special router designed specifically to block pornographic content.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: It’s the No. 1 tool that prevents early childhood exposure to pornography.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Now, this won’t stop content on devices that use cellular data, like smartphones. And that’s how many kids first encounter pornography, whether it’s at a friend’s house or even while at school. There are filters and controls for phones, but they’re easy to get around, which McKenna says is a big reason not to give a child a smartphone too early.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: Delay is the way. That’s our mindset because we’ve rushed into technologies that our children were not ready for.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: The most important recommendation, McKenna says, is teach your kids what to do when they stumble upon any content that makes them feel afraid, shocked or simply uncomfortable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: Put it down and tell someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And be sure they know that no matter what they’ve seen, you won’t be angry but glad they came to you for guidance. For NPR News, I’m Michaeleen Doucleff.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cem>Caution: This story contains descriptions of sexual assault.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For many years, I thought concerns over children’s exposure to pornography didn’t apply to my daughter. She’s only 9 years old and \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2024/04/14/1244000143/anxious-generation-kids-autonomy-freedom\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">has little access to the internet. \u003c/a>She won’t see pornography for years, I thought.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But that thinking is naive and sorely mistaken, says social scientist \u003ca href=\"https://www.qut.edu.au/about/our-people/academic-profiles/m.flood\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Michael Flood\u003c/a>, who’s at Queensland University of Technology in Australia. He has been studying how pornography impacts children for two decades.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“When we survey parents, we find that they often really underestimate the extent to which their own children are likely to have seen pornography,” Flood says. “Virtually every child will encounter pornography.”\u003cem> \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That encounter often occurs at a younger age than many parents realize, Flood adds. In\u003ca href=\"https://www.commonsensemedia.org/press-releases/new-report-reveals-truths-about-how-teens-engage-with-pornography\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> one study from 2023\u003c/a>, researchers found that the average age children first view pornography was around age 12. And 15% of children saw it at age 10 or younger.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And many parents, including myself, make a second mistake about pornography. They don’t actually understand what these videos portray.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Violent, degrading, misogynistic videos\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>“Parents often think children are looking at softcore pornography, like Playboy centerfolds,” Flood says. But pornography today typically shows something else: “men being cruel to women.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Sometimes that’s verbal violence, with hostile and derogatory language. Sometimes that’s violent behaviors, such as strangulation, slapping, or choking,” Flood says. Many times, videos show women enjoying this cruelty, no matter how violent or degrading it is. “That’s not an appropriate form of sexuality education for our 8-year-olds or our 12-year-olds,” he adds.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2025/03/31/nx-s1-5345097/adolescence-netflix-stephen-graham\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">sexist and violent content is “routine,”\u003c/a> Flood says. In a\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20980228/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> major study from the U.K.\u003c/a>, researchers analyzed 50 of the most popular pornographic videos. Around 90% of them showed overt violence or aggression, overwhelmingly directed toward women, the researchers reported in the journal \u003cem>Violence Against Women\u003c/em>.\u003ca href=\"https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32661813/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> In another study, \u003c/a>researchers analyzed more than 4,000 scenes from two major pornographic websites. About 40% of them included one or more acts of physical aggression. “Spanking, gagging, slapping, hair pulling, and choking were the five most common forms of physical aggression,” the researchers reported in the \u003cem>Archives of Sexual Behavior.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Scientists are beginning to understand how early exposure to this content can impact children’s health and development, says social scientist \u003ca href=\"https://familylife.byu.edu/directory/brian-willoughby\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Brian Willoughby\u003c/a> at Brigham Young University. For instance, it can interfere with children’s learning about consent and the importance of respect in relationships.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The gender dynamics shown in these videos sets up really unhealthy expectations when it comes to intimacy and relationships,” Willoughby says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Studies also find that early exposure increases the risk of developing problematic use of pornography later in life. For young children explicit content can be quite upsetting, shocking, and jarring. “Their understanding of sex, in general, is very limited,” Willoughby says. So they have a hard time understanding what they’re seeing or handling the emotions and physiological responses it triggers in their brains and bodies.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For some children, seeing explicit content can even be traumatic, says \u003ca href=\"https://www.meganmaas.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Megan Maas \u003c/a>at Michigan State University. In one of Maas’s studies, a man described what happened when he Googled the word “blowjob” in the sixth grade. “He ended up seeing a genre of pornography, called facial abuse, which shows women gagging on penises,” Maas explains. “The women are often crying, with mascara running down their faces.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The videos triggered a visceral reaction inside of him that made him want to throw up. “Then he just shut off sexually,” Maas says, “The whole experience freaked him out and really changed him.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>What parents can do\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the past two years, 21 states have \u003ca href=\"https://avpassociation.com/4271-2/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">passed laws\u003c/a> requiring pornographic sites to verify a user’s age. But every scientist interviewed for this story says it’s imperative for parents to implement protections inside your home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Here are three measures to take.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Block content with your router.\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One of the most powerful tools for protecting children against pornography is already sitting inside your home: your router.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“As a parent, your router is the most important and underappreciated digital device in your home,” says Chris McKenna. He’s the founder and CEO of the company\u003ca href=\"https://www.protectyoungeyes.com/about\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> Protect Young Eyes,\u003c/a> which, over the past decade, has helped schools and churches create \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2024/08/02/nx-s1-5057818/kids-online-safety-act-cyberbullying-children-internet-social-media\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">safer digital spaces.\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Your router acts as a doorway through which the internet enters your home via WiFi. You can, in a way, place a bouncer at the door to your WiFi. You can block any website you want from going through that door and reaching devices that use WiFi. To do that you can:\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Directly login to your router through a browser and program it \u003ca href=\"https://www.cnet.com/home/internet/how-to-set-up-and-use-your-wifi-routers-parental-controls/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">to block\u003c/a> explicit websites. Some routers include parental controls; some don’t.\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>Buy a device that connects to your router and filters out unwanted content, such as \u003ca href=\"https://www.bark.us/learn/bark-home/?utm_source=protect-young-eyes&utm_medium=pye-blog&utm_campaign=2021-router-testing-write-up\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Bark at Home\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://buy.aura.com/parental-controls-4-rdj?utm_source=circle&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=circle-homepage&utm_id=circle-homepage&utm_gateway=parental-controls\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Aura\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>OR\u003c/p>\n\u003col>\n\u003cli>Buy a router that’s designed specifically to block pornographic content, such as \u003ca href=\"https://gryphonconnect.com/?sca_ref=2923021.oNhQ4TE7HR#erid12211019\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Gryphon\u003c/a>.\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ol>\n\u003cp>McKenna and his team have\u003ca href=\"https://www.protectyoungeyes.com/devices/the-ultimate-guide-to-understanding-routers\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> tested these options\u003c/a> and found that the third one is the easiest and most effective. But it’s expensive. A new router can cost up to $300.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“This router allows you to turn off the internet completely at certain times of day or on certain devices with a phone app,” he explains. “So I could be in Switzerland, and control the whole network in my house.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Add filters to cellular devices, then monitor, too\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Controlling your router clearly won’t stop \u003cem>all\u003c/em> explicit content from entering your home. First and foremost, it won’t stop content on devices that use cellular or mobile data, such as smartphones and tablets that receive cellular data.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This ubiquitous access to explicit content on smartphones is a major reason why many psychologists and pediatricians recommend\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/12/1187130983/smartphone-tween-safe-alternatives\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"> waiting until eighth grade or even later \u003c/a>before giving a child a smartphone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Another big problem is that explicit content isn’t confined to pornographic websites. Repeated investigations show that it often appears on \u003ca href=\"https://www.wsj.com/tech/instagram-recommends-sexual-videos-to-accounts-for-13-year-olds-tests-show-b6123c65\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">social media platforms\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://bhr.stern.nyu.edu/quick-take/a-new-report-alleges-that-roblox-remains-an-x-rated-pedophile-hellscape-and-what-this-says-about-the-need-for-regulation/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">video games\u003c/a> aimed directly at teenagers and younger children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And, as BYU’s Brian Willoughby points out, it won’t prevent children from seeing pornography at a friend’s or relative’s homes, or even at school on other children’s phones. \u003cstrong>“\u003c/strong>The vast majority of young kids access pornography for the first time through their friends,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So Willoughby and other scientists recommend using all filters and parental controls that come with devices and apps. But, he emphasizes, parents need to know that these controls don’t work well. “They’re just very easy to get around,” he says. “I think too many parents turn on these filters and walk away. That’s just simply not good enough.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Willoughby recommends that parents frequently monitor children’s activities on apps, games and social media. That doesn’t mean being with the child every time they use their phone, but it does mean having access to their accounts and frequently looking at their content. “See who they’re talking to and what they’re sharing,” he says. “That’s just as important, if not more, than controlling your router, I think.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Kids will put up a lot of fuss about this monitoring, and talk about how ‘you’re the only parent that does it,’ ” Willoughby says. “What I always tell my kids is, ‘I just love you more than those parents.’ ”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Teach children what to do when they encounter upsetting content\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Finally, every child should be aware that they might stumble upon shocking, scary or upsetting photos and videos on the internet, McKenna says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>So, teach children what to do when they encounter this content. “At our organization, we teach children to, ‘put it down and tell someone,’ ” he says. Then give the child a list of people who they can tell, including the parent, a grandparent or older sibling.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then he recommends practicing that action.\u003cstrong> “\u003c/strong>Have your kid sit at the kitchen counter with their device, and say, ‘listen, I want you to pretend you’ve seen something that makes you uncomfortable. I’m going to go to the bedroom. I want you to close the Chromebook, bring it upstairs, and say to me out loud, ‘Mom, I saw something that made me uncomfortable and I want to talk about it.’ ”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That reenactment gives you a chance to practice another critical skill. “Not freaking out,” McKenna says. If you freak out, the child could be reluctant to come to you again in the future, he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Instead, reassure the child that they’re not in trouble, they’re safe, and that you love them the same, he says. You could say: “There’s nothing you could click on or look at that would ever change the way I feel about you, honey. You are still my amazing child.\u003cem>“\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Edited by Jane Greenhalgh\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"npr-transcript\">\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Transcript:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MARY LOUISE KELLY, HOST:\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Today, kids have access to an unprecedented amount of pornography online. Their exposure to explicit content has risen dramatically, and we are not just talking teenagers. Some younger kids are being exposed, as well, to content that’s often violent and degrading. Michaeleen Doucleff reports. And a caution, this story includes a description of sexual violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAELEEN DOUCLEFF: For a long time, I thought concerns over children’s exposure to pornography didn’t apply to me. My child is only 9 years old, and she has had little access to the internet. But Michael Flood says that thinking is naive and mistaken.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MICHAEL FLOOD: We find that parents often really underestimate the extent to which their own children are likely to have seen pornography.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Flood is a social scientist at Queensland University of Technology in Australia. He’s an internationally recognized researcher on pornography. He says virtually all children will see porn, either accidentally or intentionally. On average, they first encounter it around age 12, and about 15% see it at age 10 or younger. Flood says, many parents are also mistaken about the content of modern pornography.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>FLOOD: Often, we think of kind of softcore pornography, kind of, you know, Playboy centerfolds, that kind of thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: But pornography today typically shows something else.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>FLOOD: Often shows men being cruel or damaging towards women, and sometimes that’s verbal violence, using hostile and derogatory language. Sometimes, that’s violent behaviors, such as strangulation, such as slapping.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: One study from the University of Arkansas found that nearly 90% of popular videos show overt violence or aggression primarily toward women.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>FLOOD: That’s not an appropriate form of sexuality education for our 8-year-olds or our 12-year-olds and so PM.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Studies have found that exposure to pornography can interfere with children learning about consent. And for younger kids, the videos can be quite upsetting or traumatic, which is why some states are starting to require pornographic sites to check users’ ages. Brian Willoughby is a social scientist at Brigham Young University.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>BRIAN WILLOUGHBY: It is very important that we provide some very clear gatekeepers that try to prevent some of that exposure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And there’s one very important gatekeeper already in your home. That’s your router.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>CHRIS MCKENNA: Your router, as a parent, is the most important and underappreciated digital device in your home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: That’s Chris McKenna. He’s the founder of Protect Young Eyes, a company that helps families, schools, and churches create safer digital spaces. He says it starts by gaining control of your router.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: That is the door through which internet traffic comes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And you can block any website you want from going through that door and reaching devices that use Wi-Fi. It’s like putting a bouncer at the door to your internet. In fact, McKenna says you can buy a special router designed specifically to block pornographic content.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: It’s the No. 1 tool that prevents early childhood exposure to pornography.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: Now, this won’t stop content on devices that use cellular data, like smartphones. And that’s how many kids first encounter pornography, whether it’s at a friend’s house or even while at school. There are filters and controls for phones, but they’re easy to get around, which McKenna says is a big reason not to give a child a smartphone too early.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: Delay is the way. That’s our mindset because we’ve rushed into technologies that our children were not ready for.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: The most important recommendation, McKenna says, is teach your kids what to do when they stumble upon any content that makes them feel afraid, shocked or simply uncomfortable.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>MCKENNA: Put it down and tell someone.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>DOUCLEFF: And be sure they know that no matter what they’ve seen, you won’t be angry but glad they came to you for guidance. For NPR News, I’m Michaeleen Doucleff.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>",
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"content": "\u003cp>When kids feel bombarded by difficult emotions, they may feel a sense of helplessness, as if there is nothing they can do to pull themselves out of the storm. As parents, we know effective strategies are out there, but knowing which ones to use in the moment can feel overwhelming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In his new book, “\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/720405/shift-by-ethan-kross/\">Shift: Managing Your Emotions – So They Don’t Manage You,\u003c/a>” neuroscientist \u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/2171234/ethan-kross/\">Ethan Kross\u003c/a> shares the most current research on emotional regulation. He also offers a perspective on the functions of emotion and advises us against suppressing challenging emotions. Instead, he says to notice when their intensity or duration are doing you or your child more harm than good, and continue to gather an array of tools for shifting emotions out of high gear.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>What Kids Need to Know About Emotions\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Before engaging in any conversation about emotional strategies, Kross wants parents and kids to understand this: “All emotions are useful in their right dosages.” There is nothing wrong with you if you feel hurt or envious or scared. For kids and teens, “it’s comforting to know that if you experience anxiety at times – or sadness or anger or any other negative emotion – welcome to the human condition.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emotions serve a vital function by giving us useful information. Fear puts us on alert for danger. Anger can signal that we find a situation unjust. Loneliness can prompt us to seek human connection. Kross described sadness as a response to a change in how we experience the world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Let’s say you lose someone you love or you’re rejected. Our world has now changed and we now need to make a new sense of what is happening,” said Kross. “So we have this emotional response that motivates us to withdraw, to pull away, to turn our attention inward to try to make meaning out of the situation.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In addition, the body language of sadness can also send signals to other people that we need support. Once you start to see the various functions of emotion, said Kross, “it becomes a lot easier to understand the role they play in our lives and in our kids’ lives.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kross also wants kids to know that “there are parts of your emotional experience that you can’t control and parts that you can.” For example, we can’t control the automatic emotional response we feel when we hear a startling noise. But once that emotion is activated, we can “shift it around – that’s where we have agency.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kross told me that sometimes he will choose \u003cem>not \u003c/em>to shift a difficult emotion. For example, if he has a really important deadline, he will feel some anxiety – but he doesn’t want to push away that feeling because it can help him focus. “The emotion is driving me to prepare. You don’t want to necessarily turn that off, but you want to turn down its amplitude.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 class=\"p1\">\u003cspan class=\"s1\">\u003cb>Intensity and Duration of Emotions \u003c/b>\u003c/span>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So when do we use the emotional regulation tools or step in to help kids use them?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s when the emotion gets too big or lasts too long,” said Kross. ”Those are the two telltale signs that your emotions may require some regulation.” This is a useful barometer for parents too: we don’t want to shield kids from difficult emotions, but we do want to keep an eye on the intensity and duration of their emotional storms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Shifting emotions is not about suppressing or denying our feelings, but rather about knowing that we can take steps to “change the trajectory” when our feelings are interfering with our goals or wellbeing, according to Kross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When it comes to managing our emotional lives “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions,” says Kross. People often press him to name the top two or three regulation strategies, but his research has found that there is enormous variability in which tools benefit which people. And “not only different people,” he said, “but even the same person. The tools they benefited from on day one were often different from the tools they benefited from on day two or day five.” Having, and experimenting with, a diverse set of tools can strengthen our ability to lead emotionally healthy lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Using Your Senses to Navigate Emotions\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Kross’s book describes several research-based strategies for shifting, including one that gets too little attention: Our sensory system. Humans use their five senses to quickly assess and make sense of their environment. “This is as primitive as you get,” said Kross. “We need to know whether to go back to approach or avoid things.” Because of their role in keeping us safe, our senses are intimately linked with the brain’s emotional networks. So when we smell something rotting, that can almost instantly elicit a disgust response. When we hear a beautiful birdsong or see a sunset, we can quickly feel awe or wonder. “Even touch,” said Kross. “Like warm and fuzzy things as opposed to cold and rough. All of these sensations are pushing your emotions around really, really fast. Knowing what to approach and what to avoid is fundamental for us being successful in this world.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This close, unconscious connection between senses and emotions means that we can consciously use our senses to support our emotional well being. “Think about filling your home with the right smells and putting the right music on in the background? These are effortless things we can do to shift emotions around and it’s an untapped resource.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the parent of adolescents, Kross embraces the DJ role. If he needs to shift a mood, he might put on Taylor Swift in the car, or even jazz it up more by singing or dancing along, and create something that’s “just ridiculous and so that amplifies the emotional experience.” Preschool teachers understand the power of a good “strategy song,” like the \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ9uhDzN-rA\">clean-up song\u003c/a>, to turn a drudging task into a playful moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When children are experiencing an intense emotion, some of the proven strategies – like deep breathing or journaling – may feel out of reach to kids. These techniques require effort or following steps. Working with the sensory system, in contrast, can be an initial way to more effortlessly dial down the emotion. In this way, our senses offer “incidental tools for managing emotions.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents can use the sensory network to subtly support kids emotions in ways that “fly totally under the radar,” said Kross. Think about lighting a favorite scented candle while the kids are doing homework, rubbing their back as you sit together on the couch, dimming the lights during bathtime, or tucking a soft stuffed animal into their arms as they go to sleep. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all. When they are emotionally activated, some kids crave physically pressure – like a bear hug or a weighted blanket – while others may bristle at contact and find the sensation of bouncing on a mini-trampoline or swinging more soothing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents can engage their kids and teens in thinking about sensory tools. What songs might go on a “I’m feeling _____” playlist? What physical sensations can boost their mood? What sights and tastes and smells do they find comforting or restorative? And of course, going outside into nature activates all five senses, which is one reason time in \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53149/more-green-spaces-in-childhood-associated-with-happier-adulthood\">nature correlates with mental health\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Modeling Emotional Regulation\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>As parents, we are sometimes so focused on our children’s needs that we sometimes forget that “leading others starts with leading yourself effectively,” said Kross. “Focusing on how to manage your own emotions is, I would argue, an important first step for helping your kids manage their emotions.” This is true for two reasons. First, children are observational learners. “So if we are keeping our emotions in the right proportions in different circumstances, they’re implicitly learning, ‘Oh, that’s how you do this well,’ as opposed to if you see people flying off the handle in really big ways that may not be productive,” said Kross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Second, when we learn how to work with our own emotions, we can be more thoughtful and deliberate when trying to help kids do the same. And remember, said Kross, the goal is not to rid ourselves of these challenging emotions. Rather, “the goal is to work with them more skillfully.”\u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>When kids feel bombarded by difficult emotions, they may feel a sense of helplessness, as if there is nothing they can do to pull themselves out of the storm. As parents, we know effective strategies are out there, but knowing which ones to use in the moment can feel overwhelming.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In his new book, “\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/720405/shift-by-ethan-kross/\">Shift: Managing Your Emotions – So They Don’t Manage You,\u003c/a>” neuroscientist \u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/2171234/ethan-kross/\">Ethan Kross\u003c/a> shares the most current research on emotional regulation. He also offers a perspective on the functions of emotion and advises us against suppressing challenging emotions. Instead, he says to notice when their intensity or duration are doing you or your child more harm than good, and continue to gather an array of tools for shifting emotions out of high gear.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>What Kids Need to Know About Emotions\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Before engaging in any conversation about emotional strategies, Kross wants parents and kids to understand this: “All emotions are useful in their right dosages.” There is nothing wrong with you if you feel hurt or envious or scared. For kids and teens, “it’s comforting to know that if you experience anxiety at times – or sadness or anger or any other negative emotion – welcome to the human condition.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Emotions serve a vital function by giving us useful information. Fear puts us on alert for danger. Anger can signal that we find a situation unjust. Loneliness can prompt us to seek human connection. Kross described sadness as a response to a change in how we experience the world.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Let’s say you lose someone you love or you’re rejected. Our world has now changed and we now need to make a new sense of what is happening,” said Kross. “So we have this emotional response that motivates us to withdraw, to pull away, to turn our attention inward to try to make meaning out of the situation.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In addition, the body language of sadness can also send signals to other people that we need support. Once you start to see the various functions of emotion, said Kross, “it becomes a lot easier to understand the role they play in our lives and in our kids’ lives.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kross also wants kids to know that “there are parts of your emotional experience that you can’t control and parts that you can.” For example, we can’t control the automatic emotional response we feel when we hear a startling noise. But once that emotion is activated, we can “shift it around – that’s where we have agency.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kross told me that sometimes he will choose \u003cem>not \u003c/em>to shift a difficult emotion. For example, if he has a really important deadline, he will feel some anxiety – but he doesn’t want to push away that feeling because it can help him focus. “The emotion is driving me to prepare. You don’t want to necessarily turn that off, but you want to turn down its amplitude.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 class=\"p1\">\u003cspan class=\"s1\">\u003cb>Intensity and Duration of Emotions \u003c/b>\u003c/span>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>So when do we use the emotional regulation tools or step in to help kids use them?\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s when the emotion gets too big or lasts too long,” said Kross. ”Those are the two telltale signs that your emotions may require some regulation.” This is a useful barometer for parents too: we don’t want to shield kids from difficult emotions, but we do want to keep an eye on the intensity and duration of their emotional storms.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Shifting emotions is not about suppressing or denying our feelings, but rather about knowing that we can take steps to “change the trajectory” when our feelings are interfering with our goals or wellbeing, according to Kross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When it comes to managing our emotional lives “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions,” says Kross. People often press him to name the top two or three regulation strategies, but his research has found that there is enormous variability in which tools benefit which people. And “not only different people,” he said, “but even the same person. The tools they benefited from on day one were often different from the tools they benefited from on day two or day five.” Having, and experimenting with, a diverse set of tools can strengthen our ability to lead emotionally healthy lives.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Using Your Senses to Navigate Emotions\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>Kross’s book describes several research-based strategies for shifting, including one that gets too little attention: Our sensory system. Humans use their five senses to quickly assess and make sense of their environment. “This is as primitive as you get,” said Kross. “We need to know whether to go back to approach or avoid things.” Because of their role in keeping us safe, our senses are intimately linked with the brain’s emotional networks. So when we smell something rotting, that can almost instantly elicit a disgust response. When we hear a beautiful birdsong or see a sunset, we can quickly feel awe or wonder. “Even touch,” said Kross. “Like warm and fuzzy things as opposed to cold and rough. All of these sensations are pushing your emotions around really, really fast. Knowing what to approach and what to avoid is fundamental for us being successful in this world.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This close, unconscious connection between senses and emotions means that we can consciously use our senses to support our emotional well being. “Think about filling your home with the right smells and putting the right music on in the background? These are effortless things we can do to shift emotions around and it’s an untapped resource.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As the parent of adolescents, Kross embraces the DJ role. If he needs to shift a mood, he might put on Taylor Swift in the car, or even jazz it up more by singing or dancing along, and create something that’s “just ridiculous and so that amplifies the emotional experience.” Preschool teachers understand the power of a good “strategy song,” like the \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ9uhDzN-rA\">clean-up song\u003c/a>, to turn a drudging task into a playful moment.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When children are experiencing an intense emotion, some of the proven strategies – like deep breathing or journaling – may feel out of reach to kids. These techniques require effort or following steps. Working with the sensory system, in contrast, can be an initial way to more effortlessly dial down the emotion. In this way, our senses offer “incidental tools for managing emotions.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents can use the sensory network to subtly support kids emotions in ways that “fly totally under the radar,” said Kross. Think about lighting a favorite scented candle while the kids are doing homework, rubbing their back as you sit together on the couch, dimming the lights during bathtime, or tucking a soft stuffed animal into their arms as they go to sleep. Again, there is no one-size-fits-all. When they are emotionally activated, some kids crave physically pressure – like a bear hug or a weighted blanket – while others may bristle at contact and find the sensation of bouncing on a mini-trampoline or swinging more soothing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Parents can engage their kids and teens in thinking about sensory tools. What songs might go on a “I’m feeling _____” playlist? What physical sensations can boost their mood? What sights and tastes and smells do they find comforting or restorative? And of course, going outside into nature activates all five senses, which is one reason time in \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/53149/more-green-spaces-in-childhood-associated-with-happier-adulthood\">nature correlates with mental health\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cstrong>Modeling Emotional Regulation\u003c/strong>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>As parents, we are sometimes so focused on our children’s needs that we sometimes forget that “leading others starts with leading yourself effectively,” said Kross. “Focusing on how to manage your own emotions is, I would argue, an important first step for helping your kids manage their emotions.” This is true for two reasons. First, children are observational learners. “So if we are keeping our emotions in the right proportions in different circumstances, they’re implicitly learning, ‘Oh, that’s how you do this well,’ as opposed to if you see people flying off the handle in really big ways that may not be productive,” said Kross.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"#episode-transcript\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">View the full episode transcript.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">On her son’s first day of kindergarten, Ruth Whippman, author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/705378/boymom-by-ruth-whippman/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, stood by as a parent volunteer welcomed each child at the gate. Two nervous little girls walked in first, and the volunteer crouched down, his voice warm and tender: “Hi, sweetheart.” Then came Whippman’s son. The volunteer straightened up, his tone dropping an octave as he gave a hearty high five and said, “Hey, buddy!” In that moment, Whippman saw how boys and girls are often treated differently, even when they’re feeling the same emotions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">As she explores in her book, these subtle messages teach boys to “man up,” cutting them off from vulnerability, deep connections and intimacy. “By the time kids are five years old, they’ve already accumulated many thousands of buddy/sweetheart moments,” said Whippman. However, small changes in how parents, teachers and community members show up for boys can help rewrite that narrative and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56268/how-learning-emotional-skills-can-help-boys-become-men\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">better support their emotional growth\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Point out the problem\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The culture has grown a lot in the past few years at calling out how sexism affects young girls, but when it comes to boys it’s a different story, said Whippman “We just don’t have the equivalent tools or vocabulary or kind of social permission to call it out when it comes to boys,” she explained.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">One way this shows up is in how boys and men are portrayed in books and movies. Whippman highlighted the popular movie Inside Out as an example. The young girl character’s brain is shown as a rich mix of emotions, but when they show the dad’s brain the emotions are watching sports or confused. “Often girls get given content that’s all about\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> friendships and relationships\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and social-emotional dilemmas. Whereas boys get so much content about battles and fighting,” said Whippman. This normalizes the idea that boys do not have to be engaged in emotions or that they are not expected to have rich emotional lives. This is not only a disservice to boys’ relationships with themselves, but it can negatively affect the way they “track and manage other people’s feelings and other people’s emotions,” Whippman said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Media with boy characters that experience and express emotions can be hard to find, but they do exist, according to Whippman. She recommended \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://gordonkorman.com/the-fort\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Gordon Korman’s \u003cem>The Fort\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, which is all about male friendship, and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/208913/wonder-by-r-j-palacio/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">R.J. Palacio’s \u003cem>Wonder\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a favorite of her sons. “It’s written with real complex, genuine interiority, which is usually reserved for female characters,” she said. For a family movie, she suggested \u003c/span>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.imdb.com/title/tt12038300/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Speed Cubers\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a documentary about Rubik’s cube champions that highlights male friendships and vulnerability.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Prioritize compassion over discipline\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In the wake of the #MeToo movement and the spotlight on men behaving badly, Whippman felt a heightened sense of concern as she raised her boys. “It was almost like boys were just these predators in waiting,” she said. “The best you could do as a mom was to kind of minimize the harm.” Her first reaction was to be stricter and rely on discipline. However, after reading research by \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.allanschore.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Alan Schore\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that showed \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/imhj.21616\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">boys are more emotionally vulnerable\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> because the parts of their brains responsible for emotional regulation mature more slowly, she realized her approach might not be working as intended. “In our home, we’d been using sticker charts, rewards, and consequences. And I just thought, ‘Scrap all of this,’” she said. “They needed my support, not my chastisement.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Whippman shifted her focus to connecting with her kids. She started spending more time with them, being more flexible when they misbehaved, and approaching their experiences with curiosity. The results, she said, were transformative and her relationship with her boys changed for the better. “We learn to be empathetic and caring by being empathized with and cared for ourselves. You can’t just shame a person into becoming a moral and caring person,” said Whippman.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t set limits, she cautioned. “It’s just a different orientation and approach. See your child as a human being who needs love, nurture, and support in that moment. Offer them grace, and believe they’re not acting out of ill will.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Use positive touch\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">From the earliest days of life, parents tend to handle boys and girls differently, said Whippman. For instance, while \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3283567/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">roughhousing is more common with young boys\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, studies show \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4580286/#S9\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mothers provide twice as much caretaking touch\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">—like cuddling or soothing gestures—to baby girls. Over time, these differences can add up.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Boys in our culture are one of the most touch-starved groups,” Whippman explained. \u003ca href=\"https://docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/51a030_b8c019f94b8445eb809dba22ab14650a.pdf\">Research supports this.\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> This lack of positive physical connection can have lasting effects, but small, intentional actions can make a difference. Simple gestures like a hand on the back when they’re upset or a pat on the shoulder to acknowledge a job well done can help offset this pattern of low touch.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Of course, that doesn’t mean that we don’t need to nurture girls or we don’t need to nurture trans kids or kids of other genders,” said Whippman. “It’s just that boys have very specific gender socialization which affects them in very specific ways. And I think we need to be aware of that.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe loading=\"lazy\" frameborder=\"0\" height=\"200\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"https://playlist.megaphone.fm?e=KQINC9477223480\" width=\"100%\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2 id=\"episode-transcript\">Episode Transcript\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Welcome to MindShift — where we explore the future of learning and how we raise our kids. I’m Nimah Gobir. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> How many of you have seen those “Boy Mom” bumper stickers? Maybe on a car at school drop-off, or maybe the sticker is on your car. [car horn] As a culture, we’ve regarded raising boys as a point of pride for parents who feel like they’ve survived the storm of parenting rambunctious kids.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">But what about the boys themselves? While parents are often celebrated for embracing the chaos, boys are often sent the message that their unruly behavior is simply “boys being boys.” Beyond the stickers and slogans, what does it really mean to raise boys in today’s world? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Today, we’re joined by Ruth Whippman, author of BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. Right after this…we’ll talk to Ruth about what’s shaping boys’ lives today—and how we, as parents, teachers, and communities, can do better to support them.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Welcome to the podcast Ruth. Let’s start with a story you shared in your book about what you call the buddy/sweetheart phenomenon. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> On my son’s first day of kindergarten, which was last year in a just regular public school, he’s pretty anxious. You know, he’s stressed about all the normal things about going to school for the first time. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> And right in front of my son were these two little girls who were like equally anxious to be starting kindergarten. They also looked kind of scared and like they were going to miss their mothers and all the rest of it. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> And as they walked through the gate, there’s a parent volunteer who is a dad, this big guy, he sort of said very tenderly down at that level, he was like, Hi, sweetheart. And then the second girl, same thing. Hi, sweetheart. And then my son walks through the gate and this guy, like, puffs up to his giant, like, six feet something size, and his voice drops like, an entire octave. And he says, Hey, buddy. And gives my son a high five. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To some people this difference might seem very subtle. Why did it stick with you?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Had I not spent like several years researching boys and gender and masculinity and all the rest of it wouldn’t have even registered. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It’s just these tiny moments that really accumulate.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It’s really subtly sending a kind of like man up type message to the boy. I kind of like, you know, your emotions aren’t really appropriate in this moment. You’re not really you shouldn’t really be showing vulnerability or weakness. It’s time to kind of toughen up and be a man. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> I think this story sets up two things really well. One is that these messages happen unintentionally and two that they start really early.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Yeah. Right from the very beginning, the earliest days, parents handle baby boys and girls differently. They do more kind of roughhousing and jiggling with baby boys and throw them up in the air and say like, “Hey there little man.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Studies show that they do around twice as much what they call caretaking touch for baby girls. We talk to girls more about their emotions. We’re more comfortable with them expressing emotions. We used subtly different vocabularies when we’re talking to boys and girls. So with boys, we tend to use more words connected to aggression and dominance and winning and power. And with girls, we use more words associated with emotions and feelings. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">And so just little by little, these moments accumulate. And each one in and of itself is so harmless. But then, you know, over time, it adds up to a really quite different relationship with care and empathy and social emotional learning and also, you know, with power and agency and respect. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In your book you mentioned a researcher named Alan Schore — what does his research tell us about what boys actually need? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What Alan sure shows in his research, he looks at the sort of neuroscience of infant brains. He shows that, if anything, boys are actually born more emotionally vulnerable and sensitive than girls. A male brain is born about a month to six weeks behind a baby girl’s brain in terms of right brain development, which is the part of the brain that deals with emotions, emotional self-regulation. So like the ability to calm yourself down when you’re upset, forming attachments, etc.. So because male brains are slightly more immature, it means that they’re more vulnerable to disruption. They need more intensive care from caregivers than baby girls who tend to be a little more resilient and independent. Boys cry more. They find it harder to calm down when they’re stressed. You know, of course, these are all averages, group averages. We’re not talking about any individual baby, but as a group, infant boys are more vulnerable than infant girls. But because of our sort of ideas about masculinity and what boys need and who they are, you know, although they actually need more care and more support and more engagement with emotions and that type of learning, we end up giving them slightly less. You know, we toughen them up, we tell them to be tough, we handle them differently. We give them slightly, slightly less nurturing care. And that combination, that kind of need more, get less really accumulates into something that can be quite harmful for boys. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It feels like we’re at a bit of a crisis point with boys today. There are so many conflicting messages about what it means to “be a man” and none of them seem to leave room for emotional expression. Ruth, can you talk about how some of these narratives have evolved?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Now we’ve got maybe a new narrative coming from the left, which for boys is more like, you’re so privileged, you have everything, your life is great. It’s time for you to take up less space, to be quiet, to shut up, to let everybody else have a voice and voice their problems, which is great in one sense. You know, we do want to give everybody else a voice, but it can easily just become yet another way of shutting down boys and men from expressing their feelings. And I think it’s causing a lot of resentment, a lot of misplaced anger. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> By doing that with boys and by sort of making them toughen up and communicating to them, they should man up and not show weakness and not be vulnerable, we are really cutting them off from that kind of deep connection and intimacy and deep relationships with other people. Because in order to form a deep bond with another person, you really need to show them your vulnerable self and you need to be willing and able to be there for their vulnerable self and to show up for their emotions and feelings. And we’re seeing the downstream effects of this in a real loneliness crisis amongst adult men and older adolescent boys at this moment.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">I want to jump in with some stats from your book. Boys account for 90 percent of school discipline violations and are suspended 3 times as often as girls. Boys are more likely than girls to engage in anti-social behavior. Boys commit suicide at nearly 4 times the rate as girls. Those are pretty dire. And even with those stats, having a book come out that says boys need more attention can make folks a bit agitated.. From what I understand you’re not saying boys need more attention …so we need to throw our girls out the window. Can you talk about how this isn’t a zero sum situation?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It’s so True. I think the zero sum thinking about this is just so sad. You know, we’re talking about children here, you know, and absolutely, when I say we need to nurture boys, it, of course, doesn’t mean that we don’t need to nurture girls or we don’t need to nurture trans kids or kids of other genders. It’s just that boys have very specific gendered socialization which affects them in very specific ways. We learn to be empathetic and caring by being empathized with and cared for ourselves. You know, that’s how we then, you know, we know you can’t just shame a person into becoming a moral and caring person. They have to internalize that from being cared for. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Let’s talk about solutions. You emphasize naming the problem and teaching boys to see these dynamics, why do you feel that’s important? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> So I think part of naming the problem is just to see this stuff. You know. once you start seeing it, you can’t unsee it. And this also shows up in the kinds of books and stories and tv shows that we show to boys as well. It’s not just in the way that we are with them as parents. Often girls get given content that’s about friendships and relations and social- emotional dilemmas whereas boys get so much content that is about battles and fighting. And we need to name it to our boys and we need to see it as a real loss. You know, we need to tell them and say, you know, well, why do we think that boys are emotionally stupid in this movie? Why is it portraying this? Why is that okay? Why is it allowed to pass? You know, and asking these questions and giving them the skills and the tools to mend that problem as well. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parenting plays a huge role in breaking these cycles too. In your book you shared how shifting your own approach transformed your relationship with your sons. What did you learn?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It was almost like boys were just these kind of like predators and waiting, you know, the best you could do as a as a mom was to kind of minimize the harm. And I think my response was to try to be harsher and stricter with them and enforce more consequences and all the rest of it. In our home, we’ve been using all these sticker charts and rewards and consequences and this and that. And I was just like, scrap all of this.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When I realized that that was, you know, vulnerability and they needed my support rather than my sort of chastisement or my behavioral interventions or whatever, and just kind of tried to connect with them my whole relationship with them changed. And once we started seeing them in that way, in a more sort of fully human way, rather than these like people to be controlled, then their behavior absolutely shifted and my relationship with them shifted as well. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">People want a script that like this is how, you know, these are the five things I should say to my son to build a good relationship. And it doesn’t work like that. You’ve got to show up authentically and say and know and love the child that you have.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">You’ve talked about pointing out the problem to your kids and leading with compassion instead of discipline. Another solution you offer is what you call positive touch. What do you mean by that?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Boys in our culture, some one of the most like touch starved groups. There was one study that said that teenage boys, around 20% of teenage boys report that they are never hugged or cuddled at all. And that’s about twice as many as the number of teenage girls who say the same thing. So positive touch reinforcement, communicating to your son that you are on his side. It’s a strange moment where, like, that feels like a kind of radical thing to do for liberal parents in a way. But actually, you know that boys need more nurture in a way, you know, which is not to say that we should be neglecting girls. Of course not. But just to correct for the imbalance that already exists. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> We love a recommendation here at MindShift. Do you have any recommendations for media with characters who are modeling what it looks like for boys to feel emotions?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Gordon Kormon is an author that writes books that often have both characters that are involved in friendship situations. And my son really enjoyed the book. Wonder. And the book is called Wonder, which is a story about a boy who has a facial disfigurement. But it’s just written with real complex, genuine interiority, which is usually reserved for female characters. So there are a few. It’s hard to find books like that. The author’s name is R.J. Palacio. A documentary that I watched with my son that may or may not still be on Netflix is called Speed Cubers is my son. My middle son got really into Rubik’s Cube for a while, and it’s this world which is very extremely male dominated and it can often be quite dry. But this documentary, Speed Cubers is gorgeous, and it becomes the story of the world champion and the cubing world champion and his autistic rival, who then becomes the world champion. But it really becomes a story about male friendship and kindness and emotionality, which was really special. And my son loved that as well. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> A big thank you to Ruth Whippman. Her book is Boy Mom: Reimagining Boyhood in an Impossible Age of Masculinity. If you’d like to learn more, check out her book or visit our website for additional resources. We’ll have more episodes coming down the pipeline — hit follow on your favorite podcast app so you don’t miss a thing. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"#episode-transcript\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">View the full episode transcript.\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">On her son’s first day of kindergarten, Ruth Whippman, author of \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/705378/boymom-by-ruth-whippman/\">\u003ci>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity\u003c/span>\u003c/i>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, stood by as a parent volunteer welcomed each child at the gate. Two nervous little girls walked in first, and the volunteer crouched down, his voice warm and tender: “Hi, sweetheart.” Then came Whippman’s son. The volunteer straightened up, his tone dropping an octave as he gave a hearty high five and said, “Hey, buddy!” In that moment, Whippman saw how boys and girls are often treated differently, even when they’re feeling the same emotions. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">As she explores in her book, these subtle messages teach boys to “man up,” cutting them off from vulnerability, deep connections and intimacy. “By the time kids are five years old, they’ve already accumulated many thousands of buddy/sweetheart moments,” said Whippman. However, small changes in how parents, teachers and community members show up for boys can help rewrite that narrative and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56268/how-learning-emotional-skills-can-help-boys-become-men\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">better support their emotional growth\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Point out the problem\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The culture has grown a lot in the past few years at calling out how sexism affects young girls, but when it comes to boys it’s a different story, said Whippman “We just don’t have the equivalent tools or vocabulary or kind of social permission to call it out when it comes to boys,” she explained.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">One way this shows up is in how boys and men are portrayed in books and movies. Whippman highlighted the popular movie Inside Out as an example. The young girl character’s brain is shown as a rich mix of emotions, but when they show the dad’s brain the emotions are watching sports or confused. “Often girls get given content that’s all about\u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/56979/what-the-research-says-about-the-academic-power-of-friendship\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> friendships and relationships\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> and social-emotional dilemmas. Whereas boys get so much content about battles and fighting,” said Whippman. This normalizes the idea that boys do not have to be engaged in emotions or that they are not expected to have rich emotional lives. This is not only a disservice to boys’ relationships with themselves, but it can negatively affect the way they “track and manage other people’s feelings and other people’s emotions,” Whippman said. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Media with boy characters that experience and express emotions can be hard to find, but they do exist, according to Whippman. She recommended \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://gordonkorman.com/the-fort\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Gordon Korman’s \u003cem>The Fort\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, which is all about male friendship, and \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/208913/wonder-by-r-j-palacio/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">R.J. Palacio’s \u003cem>Wonder\u003c/em>\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a favorite of her sons. “It’s written with real complex, genuine interiority, which is usually reserved for female characters,” she said. For a family movie, she suggested \u003c/span>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.imdb.com/title/tt12038300/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">The Speed Cubers\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003c/em>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, a documentary about Rubik’s cube champions that highlights male friendships and vulnerability.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Prioritize compassion over discipline\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In the wake of the #MeToo movement and the spotlight on men behaving badly, Whippman felt a heightened sense of concern as she raised her boys. “It was almost like boys were just these predators in waiting,” she said. “The best you could do as a mom was to kind of minimize the harm.” Her first reaction was to be stricter and rely on discipline. However, after reading research by \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://www.allanschore.com/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Alan Schore\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> that showed \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/imhj.21616\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">boys are more emotionally vulnerable\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> because the parts of their brains responsible for emotional regulation mature more slowly, she realized her approach might not be working as intended. “In our home, we’d been using sticker charts, rewards, and consequences. And I just thought, ‘Scrap all of this,’” she said. “They needed my support, not my chastisement.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Whippman shifted her focus to connecting with her kids. She started spending more time with them, being more flexible when they misbehaved, and approaching their experiences with curiosity. The results, she said, were transformative and her relationship with her boys changed for the better. “We learn to be empathetic and caring by being empathized with and cared for ourselves. You can’t just shame a person into becoming a moral and caring person,” said Whippman.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t set limits, she cautioned. “It’s just a different orientation and approach. See your child as a human being who needs love, nurture, and support in that moment. Offer them grace, and believe they’re not acting out of ill will.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003cb>Use positive touch\u003c/b>\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">From the earliest days of life, parents tend to handle boys and girls differently, said Whippman. For instance, while \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3283567/\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">roughhousing is more common with young boys\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">, studies show \u003c/span>\u003ca href=\"https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4580286/#S9\">\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">mothers provide twice as much caretaking touch\u003c/span>\u003c/a>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">—like cuddling or soothing gestures—to baby girls. Over time, these differences can add up.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Boys in our culture are one of the most touch-starved groups,” Whippman explained. \u003ca href=\"https://docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/51a030_b8c019f94b8445eb809dba22ab14650a.pdf\">Research supports this.\u003c/a>\u003c/span>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> This lack of positive physical connection can have lasting effects, but small, intentional actions can make a difference. Simple gestures like a hand on the back when they’re upset or a pat on the shoulder to acknowledge a job well done can help offset this pattern of low touch.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">“Of course, that doesn’t mean that we don’t need to nurture girls or we don’t need to nurture trans kids or kids of other genders,” said Whippman. “It’s just that boys have very specific gender socialization which affects them in very specific ways. And I think we need to be aware of that.” \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c!-- iframe plugin v.4.3 wordpress.org/plugins/iframe/ -->\u003cbr>\n\u003ciframe loading=\"lazy\" frameborder=\"0\" height=\"200\" scrolling=\"no\" src=\"https://playlist.megaphone.fm?e=KQINC9477223480\" width=\"100%\" class=\"iframe-class\">\u003c/iframe>\u003c/div>",
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"content": "\u003cdiv class=\"post-content post-body\">\u003ch2 id=\"episode-transcript\">Episode Transcript\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Welcome to MindShift — where we explore the future of learning and how we raise our kids. I’m Nimah Gobir. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> How many of you have seen those “Boy Mom” bumper stickers? Maybe on a car at school drop-off, or maybe the sticker is on your car. [car horn] As a culture, we’ve regarded raising boys as a point of pride for parents who feel like they’ve survived the storm of parenting rambunctious kids.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">But what about the boys themselves? While parents are often celebrated for embracing the chaos, boys are often sent the message that their unruly behavior is simply “boys being boys.” Beyond the stickers and slogans, what does it really mean to raise boys in today’s world? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Today, we’re joined by Ruth Whippman, author of BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. Right after this…we’ll talk to Ruth about what’s shaping boys’ lives today—and how we, as parents, teachers, and communities, can do better to support them.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Welcome to the podcast Ruth. Let’s start with a story you shared in your book about what you call the buddy/sweetheart phenomenon. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> On my son’s first day of kindergarten, which was last year in a just regular public school, he’s pretty anxious. You know, he’s stressed about all the normal things about going to school for the first time. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> And right in front of my son were these two little girls who were like equally anxious to be starting kindergarten. They also looked kind of scared and like they were going to miss their mothers and all the rest of it. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> And as they walked through the gate, there’s a parent volunteer who is a dad, this big guy, he sort of said very tenderly down at that level, he was like, Hi, sweetheart. And then the second girl, same thing. Hi, sweetheart. And then my son walks through the gate and this guy, like, puffs up to his giant, like, six feet something size, and his voice drops like, an entire octave. And he says, Hey, buddy. And gives my son a high five. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">To some people this difference might seem very subtle. Why did it stick with you?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Had I not spent like several years researching boys and gender and masculinity and all the rest of it wouldn’t have even registered. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It’s just these tiny moments that really accumulate.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It’s really subtly sending a kind of like man up type message to the boy. I kind of like, you know, your emotions aren’t really appropriate in this moment. You’re not really you shouldn’t really be showing vulnerability or weakness. It’s time to kind of toughen up and be a man. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> I think this story sets up two things really well. One is that these messages happen unintentionally and two that they start really early.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Yeah. Right from the very beginning, the earliest days, parents handle baby boys and girls differently. They do more kind of roughhousing and jiggling with baby boys and throw them up in the air and say like, “Hey there little man.”\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Studies show that they do around twice as much what they call caretaking touch for baby girls. We talk to girls more about their emotions. We’re more comfortable with them expressing emotions. We used subtly different vocabularies when we’re talking to boys and girls. So with boys, we tend to use more words connected to aggression and dominance and winning and power. And with girls, we use more words associated with emotions and feelings. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">And so just little by little, these moments accumulate. And each one in and of itself is so harmless. But then, you know, over time, it adds up to a really quite different relationship with care and empathy and social emotional learning and also, you know, with power and agency and respect. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">In your book you mentioned a researcher named Alan Schore — what does his research tell us about what boys actually need? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">What Alan sure shows in his research, he looks at the sort of neuroscience of infant brains. He shows that, if anything, boys are actually born more emotionally vulnerable and sensitive than girls. A male brain is born about a month to six weeks behind a baby girl’s brain in terms of right brain development, which is the part of the brain that deals with emotions, emotional self-regulation. So like the ability to calm yourself down when you’re upset, forming attachments, etc.. So because male brains are slightly more immature, it means that they’re more vulnerable to disruption. They need more intensive care from caregivers than baby girls who tend to be a little more resilient and independent. Boys cry more. They find it harder to calm down when they’re stressed. You know, of course, these are all averages, group averages. We’re not talking about any individual baby, but as a group, infant boys are more vulnerable than infant girls. But because of our sort of ideas about masculinity and what boys need and who they are, you know, although they actually need more care and more support and more engagement with emotions and that type of learning, we end up giving them slightly less. You know, we toughen them up, we tell them to be tough, we handle them differently. We give them slightly, slightly less nurturing care. And that combination, that kind of need more, get less really accumulates into something that can be quite harmful for boys. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It feels like we’re at a bit of a crisis point with boys today. There are so many conflicting messages about what it means to “be a man” and none of them seem to leave room for emotional expression. Ruth, can you talk about how some of these narratives have evolved?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Now we’ve got maybe a new narrative coming from the left, which for boys is more like, you’re so privileged, you have everything, your life is great. It’s time for you to take up less space, to be quiet, to shut up, to let everybody else have a voice and voice their problems, which is great in one sense. You know, we do want to give everybody else a voice, but it can easily just become yet another way of shutting down boys and men from expressing their feelings. And I think it’s causing a lot of resentment, a lot of misplaced anger. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> By doing that with boys and by sort of making them toughen up and communicating to them, they should man up and not show weakness and not be vulnerable, we are really cutting them off from that kind of deep connection and intimacy and deep relationships with other people. Because in order to form a deep bond with another person, you really need to show them your vulnerable self and you need to be willing and able to be there for their vulnerable self and to show up for their emotions and feelings. And we’re seeing the downstream effects of this in a real loneliness crisis amongst adult men and older adolescent boys at this moment.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">I want to jump in with some stats from your book. Boys account for 90 percent of school discipline violations and are suspended 3 times as often as girls. Boys are more likely than girls to engage in anti-social behavior. Boys commit suicide at nearly 4 times the rate as girls. Those are pretty dire. And even with those stats, having a book come out that says boys need more attention can make folks a bit agitated.. From what I understand you’re not saying boys need more attention …so we need to throw our girls out the window. Can you talk about how this isn’t a zero sum situation?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> It’s so True. I think the zero sum thinking about this is just so sad. You know, we’re talking about children here, you know, and absolutely, when I say we need to nurture boys, it, of course, doesn’t mean that we don’t need to nurture girls or we don’t need to nurture trans kids or kids of other genders. It’s just that boys have very specific gendered socialization which affects them in very specific ways. We learn to be empathetic and caring by being empathized with and cared for ourselves. You know, that’s how we then, you know, we know you can’t just shame a person into becoming a moral and caring person. They have to internalize that from being cared for. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Let’s talk about solutions. You emphasize naming the problem and teaching boys to see these dynamics, why do you feel that’s important? \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> So I think part of naming the problem is just to see this stuff. You know. once you start seeing it, you can’t unsee it. And this also shows up in the kinds of books and stories and tv shows that we show to boys as well. It’s not just in the way that we are with them as parents. Often girls get given content that’s about friendships and relations and social- emotional dilemmas whereas boys get so much content that is about battles and fighting. And we need to name it to our boys and we need to see it as a real loss. You know, we need to tell them and say, you know, well, why do we think that boys are emotionally stupid in this movie? Why is it portraying this? Why is that okay? Why is it allowed to pass? You know, and asking these questions and giving them the skills and the tools to mend that problem as well. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">Parenting plays a huge role in breaking these cycles too. In your book you shared how shifting your own approach transformed your relationship with your sons. What did you learn?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">It was almost like boys were just these kind of like predators and waiting, you know, the best you could do as a as a mom was to kind of minimize the harm. And I think my response was to try to be harsher and stricter with them and enforce more consequences and all the rest of it. In our home, we’ve been using all these sticker charts and rewards and consequences and this and that. And I was just like, scrap all of this.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> When I realized that that was, you know, vulnerability and they needed my support rather than my sort of chastisement or my behavioral interventions or whatever, and just kind of tried to connect with them my whole relationship with them changed. And once we started seeing them in that way, in a more sort of fully human way, rather than these like people to be controlled, then their behavior absolutely shifted and my relationship with them shifted as well. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">People want a script that like this is how, you know, these are the five things I should say to my son to build a good relationship. And it doesn’t work like that. You’ve got to show up authentically and say and know and love the child that you have.\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir: \u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">You’ve talked about pointing out the problem to your kids and leading with compassion instead of discipline. Another solution you offer is what you call positive touch. What do you mean by that?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Boys in our culture, some one of the most like touch starved groups. There was one study that said that teenage boys, around 20% of teenage boys report that they are never hugged or cuddled at all. And that’s about twice as many as the number of teenage girls who say the same thing. So positive touch reinforcement, communicating to your son that you are on his side. It’s a strange moment where, like, that feels like a kind of radical thing to do for liberal parents in a way. But actually, you know that boys need more nurture in a way, you know, which is not to say that we should be neglecting girls. Of course not. But just to correct for the imbalance that already exists. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> We love a recommendation here at MindShift. Do you have any recommendations for media with characters who are modeling what it looks like for boys to feel emotions?\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Ruth Whippman:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> Gordon Kormon is an author that writes books that often have both characters that are involved in friendship situations. And my son really enjoyed the book. Wonder. And the book is called Wonder, which is a story about a boy who has a facial disfigurement. But it’s just written with real complex, genuine interiority, which is usually reserved for female characters. So there are a few. It’s hard to find books like that. The author’s name is R.J. Palacio. A documentary that I watched with my son that may or may not still be on Netflix is called Speed Cubers is my son. My middle son got really into Rubik’s Cube for a while, and it’s this world which is very extremely male dominated and it can often be quite dry. But this documentary, Speed Cubers is gorgeous, and it becomes the story of the world champion and the cubing world champion and his autistic rival, who then becomes the world champion. But it really becomes a story about male friendship and kindness and emotionality, which was really special. And my son loved that as well. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cb>Nimah Gobir:\u003c/b>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\"> A big thank you to Ruth Whippman. Her book is Boy Mom: Reimagining Boyhood in an Impossible Age of Masculinity. If you’d like to learn more, check out her book or visit our website for additional resources. We’ll have more episodes coming down the pipeline — hit follow on your favorite podcast app so you don’t miss a thing. \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp> \u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>"
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"soldout": {
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"title": "SOLD OUT: Rethinking Housing in America",
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