‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I'll Make Love to You

Photo: ITV / Masterpiece

Before we get to this week's episode, I need to share a bit of actual history. This is a real letter Victoria wrote to Lord Melbourne about her wedding night:

"It was a gratifying and bewildering experience. I never, never spent such an evening. His excessive love and affection gave me feelings of heavenly love and happiness. He clasped me in his arms and we kissed each other again and again. To lie by his side, and in his arms, and on his dear bosom, and be called by names of tenderness, I have never yet heard used to me before – was bliss beyond belief! We did not sleep much."

Could have saved a lot of space by just writing "Albert is a great lay." Victoria clearly owes Gretchen, the vagina-diagram-drawing prostitute from last week, an Edible Arrangements fruit bouquet or something.

Now that we're all on the same historical page, let's get to the episode at hand.

We find the newlyweds fooling around in bed. Governess Dictator, who somehow missed the birds and the bees memo, is shocked when she walks in on them.

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Because they're horny 20-year-olds who just found out what their private parts do, Victoria and Albert are turned on by the whole thing and have some more sex in her honor.

Downstairs, all the servants are discussing how much sex the royal couple are having. They all settle on A LOT.

The lead butler decides to be gross about it: "The royal stallion needs time to cover his mare."

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No wonder that German maid never read his sexy letters.

One of the servants receives news of a fever outbreak in some poor neighborhood nearby. In addition to being a terrible erotic fiction writer, Lead Butler is also mad xenophobic: "I blame the foreigners!"

Elsewhere in the palace, it's time for Ernst to head back home to Germany, but he decides to stay in England and contract as much syphilis as possible instead.

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Victoria and Albert make it out of bed, but are still making out in some hallway. Albert kills the mood by alluding to "when the children come." Victoria is like, Ummm, can I live my sex-positive life for one second before you start begging for a male heir to make yourself feel like a real man? The answer to that question appears to be no.

Victoria tells Albert to go play, while she handles some government business. He is instantly bored. He tries to play the piano, but it's out of tune! Then, he tries to look at a painting, but it's dusty! Then, he tries to read a book, but that too is dusty! Waaaahhhhh!

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Victoria beckons for him right before his brain overheats from all his brattiness. He finds her at her desk and is like, Ooo, you want me to read these Parliament papers and explain them to you? Victoria is like, Nope. My itty-bitty lady brain works just fine, thanks. I just need you to stamp them.

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That night, a bunch of fancy people come over for dinner, but they're all losers compared to a jewelry-wearing Dalmatian named Mr. Bumps, who knows how to curtsy and is probably also very good at yoga:

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Because Albert is a killjoy who hates anything that doesn't immediately benefit him, he announces that he hates Mr. Bumps and thinks the pup's Victoria pendant is tacky. First, he went on record as hating Dash, and now this?

For the past 17 years, we've been asking ourselves, "Who let the dogs out?" I can now provide an answer. It was me. I let the dogs out, so that they could find a time machine, go back to the 19th century, and do this to Albert:

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Mr. Bumps and all the loser humans who are lucky to be in his presence are ready to sit down for dinner. But there's a controversy holding things up! It's customary for Victoria to be escorted through the doorway by one of her uncles. But Victoria wants it to be Albert (because she knows if it isn't, he will throw another tantrum). Victoria's uncle shuts that idea down real quick, leading to more of this:

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Victoria's mom comforts Albert by saying, Don't worry; they'll respect you once you prove that your testicles work by producing a male heir (girl heirs need not apply).

Later that night, Victoria asks Governess Dictator for birth control tips. Remember: This is the same woman who didn't know people had sex on their wedding night. Her advice: after the deed is done, jump up and down a bunch of times. (Don't try this at home, folks. Victoria had 9 kids.)

Meanwhile, in poor people news, Babyface Maid tries to reach her frenemy and her baby, but their neighborhood is closed off due to the fever outbreak. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The next day, some dudes ask Victoria if she'll speak at a Slavery Is Bad conference. She's like, I support your cause, but won't say so publicly because I need to protect my brand, like Taylor Swift will do during a pivotal election cycle over a century from now. 

Alfred decides that he will take time away from his busy schedule of crying over dusty objects and making voodoo dolls of cute dogs to speak at this conference. He wants to earn something of his own, even if that something is just a lanyard.

Downstairs, the hot Italian chef offers to help Babyface Maid get to her friend... but he's going to need something from her in return.

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Albert notices that Ernst is about to give syphilis to Victoria's married friend, so he asks his brother to be a whore somewhere else, preferably Germany. Ernst almost cries, either because he actually cares about a woman for once, or is just experiencing a leaky side-effect from one of his STDs.

It's time for another dinner, which means another episode of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire (Doorway Escort)! Albert is down in the dumps, per usual, because he knows it won't be him. But Victoria has a trick up her sleeve! She managed to convince her Uncle to shut up about the escort custom by granting his non-royal wife a title. Bribery: works every time.

Victoria and Albert get to walk into the dining room together! Huzzah! Victoria is over the moon!

Albert is not. (Are you surprised?) He wants a victory of his own, you see. Wah wah wah.

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Downstairs, Babyface Maid thanks Hot Italian Chef for, not only passing along some money to her frenemy, but also relocating her and her baby to a suburb that isn't ridden with disease.

Babyface: "I suppose you want something in return."

Hot Italian Chef: "Yes, I do..."

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Hot Italian Chef: "...I find myself thinking about you sometimes when I'm at my sugar work, and I find it hard to concentrate because I don't know your name. Your real name, that is. The name you were born with. So, um, that is what I would like."

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giphy (3)

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She tells him her name is Nancy. That night, Hot Italian Chef creates a letter N out of sugar and leaves it on her pillow.

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Across town, it's time for the Slavery Is Bad conference. Albert tries to make small talk with Jonas, an escaped slave from America, by asking if escaping was hard. Jonas is like, Ummm, yeah, but not as much after I outran the bloodhounds and all the white people who wanted to murder me. 

Outside the hall, Victoria rides up and announces, "I have come incognito!"

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Someone breaks it to her: Girl, we can still see you. So she goes back home.

Inside, Albert is having a major anxiety attack 'cause he can't remember how to properly pronounce "barbarous." He walks up to the podium and, instead of opening his mouth to deliver a bunch of stress vomit, he manages to deliver a long, beautiful speech that boils down to: "Hey, guys! Slavery is really f-ed up and America sucks for loving it so much. Can I get an Amen up in here?" The congregation says, Amen! and compliments him for not sounding overly German. Yipee!

Albert rushes home to have celebratory sex with Victoria. Afterwards, Victoria waits for him to pass out so she can do her Plan B Jumping Jacks.

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All the jumping wakes up Albert, who demands to know what Victoria is doing. She tells him she's trying to sabotage his sperm. He breaks it to her that the only way to effectively do that is to not have sex at all. They look into each other's eyes and consider abstinence for a beat, before saying Naaaahhhh in unison and engaging in unprotected sex for the zillionth time.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Albert. I hope that piano never gets tuned and nothing ever gets dusted. That's what you get for hating dogs who have done nothing to you!

HONORABLE MENTION: Whoever Convinced Victoria Her "Disguise" Made Her Invisible. So shady. So funny.

BRONZE: Mr. Bumps and Dash. Spinoff please!

SILVER: Gretchen. She's not technically in this episode, but her sex teachings are. Respect.

GOLD: Hot Italian Chef. It's really awesome when people turn out not to be sexual predators. *throws underwear at him for being a decent human being*

Until next week! If you miss me, read some of my other work or follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty!

More recaps:

'Victoria' Season 3 Finale Recap: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 7 Recap: California Love

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 6 Recap: Love on the Brain

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 5 Recap: On The Road Again

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 4 Recap: I'll Be Missing You

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 3 Recap: La Isla Bonita

'Victoria' Season 3 Episode 2 Recap: The Guns of Brixton

'Victoria' Season 3 Premiere Recap: God Save The Queen

'Victoria' Season 2 Finale Recap: It's a Hard-Knock Life

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: Somewhere Over The Rainbow

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Lost and Found

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: People Are People

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 3 Recap: Daddy Issues

'Victoria' Season 2 Episode 2 Recap: Puppy Love

'Victoria' Season 2 Premiere Recap: Baby It's Cold Outside

'Victoria' Season 1 Finale Recap: Bye Bye Baby Blues

'Victoria' Season 1, Episode 6 Recap: C'mon Ride the Train

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 5 Recap: I’ll Make Love to You

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Wedding Bell Blues

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: You’re So Vain

‘Victoria’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: All The Single Ladies

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