Later that night, Victoria is in bed, trying her best not to projectile vomit into Albert's face, à la Regan from The Exorcist.
But he makes it very hard not to by picking a fight over manufacturing, of all things. Victoria takes the words right out of my mouth: "You say 'manufacturing' and my soul shrivels with boredom."
"Mine does not," Albert retorts, before diving into an Ugh, I can't believe you don't love trains! rant. He decides her having an opinion different from his means she's sick, so he calls for a doctor.
This week in servant B-plots no one cares about: Hot Italian Chef and Babyface Maid indulge in a sensual chocolate taste test. The other servants look on with envy.
Back upstairs, Victoria shares the least-shocking news of the century: she's pregnant! But she's not exactly jazzed about it.
The next day, Victoria's mom is forcing her to drink brandy mixed with cream. Incest and now fetal alcohol syndrome? Good luck forming all your fingers and toes, little cluster of cells!
Alfred swoops in to say he believes this binge-drinking-while-pregnant thing is:
Victoria's mom reassures her that she knows best: "Listen to me. Your nurse is a virgin. Your husband is a man. Your doctor is a fool." I don't agree with her point of view, but the hilarious way she expresses her opinion has me like:
Before I can get comfortable liking Victoria's mom, she declares that Victoria should give up working from home, and that women should let their husbands do everything, especially the thinking. She obviously did not get the Fifth Harmony memo that women can indeed work from home:
Later that night, Victoria's reasons for not wanting to be pregnant come to the fore:
- Childbirth hurts.
- She just started having fun, sexy times.
- "You are going to look at my body and be revolted!"
This is where I expect Albert to say something blunt and unhelpful. But he surprises with this poetic, panty-dropping line: "My desire for you will never fail. A love like ours can burn down a city."
Now that the Queen is pregnant, a bunch of evil Parliament dudes are drooling over the idea of her dying in childbirth. They force her to pick someone to rule in the event of her death. She picks Albert and they lose their minds. He's German! He's soooo emo! He seems like he has too many teeth in his mouth! (Okay, those last two complaints are mine, but you get the gist.)
Victoria and Albert decide to take a road trip up north to convince some rich country bumpkins from the opposition party to chill on the hate and let Albert be Victoria's second-in-command. On the carriage ride, Albert gives a sermon on how cool trains are. This makes Victoria want to puke.
A few hours later, Victoria and Albert are dining with their hosts, Mr. and Mrs. Conservative Hater, who list the approved activities for the next day: for the men, hunting; for the women, sitting down and being quiet. Albert announces he would rather visit local factories. Mrs. Conservative Hater can't hide her Ewwww, But Poor People Work There face.
The next day, Albert scandalizes his hosts even more by talking about how rad it'll be when trains dismantle class divides by allowing poor people to travel for better wages. Mr. Conservative Hater is like, You're bad at reading rooms, huh? Class division = England's brand. You would know that if you were from here, which you're not because you're a stupid German.
Sir Robert Peel, the leader of Parliament's conservative wing, feels bad for Albert and offers to show him a train he has on his property. Albert begs Victoria, Mommy, can I go play at Robbie's house, pretty please, I'll never ask for anything again, I promise, pleaaaase, Mom!
Albert goes to bed grumpy and sneaks out before Victoria wakes. He and Robert Peel spend the entire next day cementing their bromance by putting their faces directly into pollution.
All train-blissed out, Albert returns home covered in soot. Victoria is piiiiiiiiiiiissed.
Victoria: "Look at you! You look like a peasant!"
Albert: "I'm not the one eating beetroot."
Victoria: "What? What is wrong with beetroot?"
Albert: "It's peasant food!"
The next day, Victoria decides to see what all the fuss is about. She sneaks off and hitches a ride on Robert Peel's train. She is instantly obsessed and memorializes her locomotive feelings in a poem:
Get your next of kin, your sister, and your friend
Ride on that, choo choo, ride on that, choo choo
Come on, ride the train, hey, ride it, woo woo
Come on, ride the train, it's the Choo Choo train
155 years later, the Quad City DJ's set her poetry to music, creating this iconic '90s jam:
The next day, Robert Peel tells the conservatives in Parliament that his BFF Albert is not that bad and shall not be denied the position of Regent. Everyone Kanye-shrugs. Cool, glad we spent an entire episode on an issue no one actually cared about.
Back home, Victoria gets back to:
Albert knows better than to ask to help. But the train ride has transformed Victoria. For the first time, she lets him do more than stamping. Sure, she can slay on her own, but a fun collaboration never hurt anyone.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Victoria's Mom. Forcing a pregnant woman to binge drink is bad, but mixing delicious booze with milk is unforgivable.
HONORABLE MENTION: Dash. Victoria's pup isn't even in this episode, but I like him more than most of these people.
BRONZE: Babyface Maid. Despite a life of servitude, she spends all day flirting with a hot Italian and eating chocolate. Get it, girl.
SILVER: Beetroot. One century's peasant food is another's expensive appetizer sprinkled with feta crumbles.
GOLD: Albert. He never struck me as having any game, but then he comes out with that "A love like ours can burn down a city" line. Touché! Gretchen taught him well.
Until next week! If you miss me, read some of my other work or follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty!
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