Chances are that if you have a pulse and aren't in solitary confinement somewhere, you'll be watching Home Alone this holiday season (if you haven't already). The tale of an abandoned child who taps into his dormant sociopathic tendancies to battle a couple of hapless burglars is a classic and most children of the 1990s will attest to learning major life lessons from the John Hughes film. What kind of life lessons? I'm glad you asked:
Pizza is the only food group.
People who took French in high school are rude.
Bullying starts at home.
You're never too old to oversleep on the most important days.
Basements should be avoided at all costs.
You only live once so a good rage session is always a good idea.
Always insist that you're photographed on your good side.
No means no.
Only get into customer service if you are an expert compartmentalizer and have a top tier fake smile.
Never go to the grocery store hungry.
Look both ways.
The safest place in the world is under the covers of your parents' bed.
But perhaps the biggest lesson of all is that men over 60 are crap-your-pants scary: