June is Pride month and COVID-19 has altered the ways the LGBTQ can celebrate together. For many, the uprisings have been a reminder that Pride started as a riot and that Black Lives Matter includes Black trans, queer, non-binary and gender-nonconforming people. In this week’s episode, host Tonya Mosley is joined by Steven Canals, the co-creator and executive producer of the FX television show "Pose" to answer this listener question:
Hey, Truth Be Told, I'm actually the president of the LGBT POC organization here at Michigan State. I did come out to my mom. I feel like every time we have the conversations, I'm coming out again. But the issue that I've been dealing with is not blatant homophobia, where she's just like calling me names like dyke or faggot or something like that. It's more of a you know, “You think that girl is pretty?” It’s that stereotype or you know, “are you looking at the girls in the locker room?” or “let me not change in here because, you know, women like women these days.” And I'm just like, what are you talking about?
And I'm going back and forth like explaining to my mom because we have a rough relationship already that this is not like a choice. I need her to know that this is something I've been feeling since I was small. So how could it possibly have been a choice? Because I feel like she thinks I'm choosing to like women or I'm choosing to go against the heterosexual norm. But that's not true. So I'm just like, how do I say something in a respectful way, but also in a way that's kind of aggressive. Like you can't say things like that to me and expect me to still be around and be respectful towards you because you're constantly disrespecting me. It's hard.
There's a don't ask, don't tell policy in the house. So we kind of just don't touch on it at all.
- Disrespected in Detroit
Before television, Canals worked for almost a decade in higher education as a college administrator so he is more than familiar with the complicated relationships young LGBTQ people have with their families. His immediate advice is to search for a PFLAG chapter — parents, families and friends of the Lesbian, Gay and Bi, Trans and Queer community. “It sounds like Mom just needs to talk to other parents,” said Canals. “Hopefully having a conversation with other parents of LGBTQ children will aid in her having someone to talk to about whatever her fears may be and recognizing that her daughter can absolutely have a full life.”
Canals says too often members of marginalized groups put in a teaching position. “My attitude is, you have to self-educate. It is not the responsibility of your daughter or us within the community to teach you,” Canal says. “I would hope that her mother would at some point say to herself, you know, I have a daughter who is a member of the LGBTQ+ community and I now need to go out and find all the resources so that I can be a better parent to my daughter.”
As the global pandemic continues and shelter-in-place restrictions remain, Canals suggests connecting virtually with chosen family, people that support and not harm you and are not blood family. Although not ideal, Canals believes it is a way for our question-asker to continue being their full authentic self. In the same vein, Canals recommends upholding boundaries to create space for self-love and to prevent retraumatization. "If that means they are sharing the same space, but aren't necessarily sharing words, then so be it,” said Canals. “This expectation that we are going to continue to put ourselves in the position of being the teacher and then being hurt... I just don't subscribe to that.”