As part of KQED's #USToo series, women have shared in their own words, stories of abuse and sexual harassment.
In this installment, we hear from a man who says for most of his life, he was an abuser. 62-year-old Steven McMaryion of Los Angeles says he sees the #MeToo movement as an opportunity for men like him to also stand up, speak out, and acknowledge how they’ve hurt others.
I grew up in a family being the oldest of the young men in my family. I had three brothers under me and three sisters over me. Therefore I was told I was the man of the house. My dad was in and out of my life, mostly out. I learned basically from what I heard on the streets. Older men would say, "you need to train a woman."
I used to hear my mother and her friends and my sisters sometimes speak negatively of men. And as a young man I took that personally and figured they were talking about me too. So I took a defense to it.
The first time I can remember actually physically abusing a woman I was about 16 years old. I was with a friend of mine and I witnessed him striking his girlfriend. And so I thought that was the right thing to do. So I did the same thing. I struck my girl. When I did she was very surprised. I'll never forget the look on her face when she asked, "Why did you do that?" And I really didn't have an answer. I know it didn't feel right but she didn't leave. She stayed there. So that was the ticket for me to say it was OK.
When I was about 30 years old I fell into a relationship that lasted for about 10 years. I have to admit that I abused her in every fashion of the word "abuse."
There came a time where she told me she wasn't afraid of me anymore. It shocked me because I didn't know what to do. I was losing my form of control, so I threatened her. Matter of fact I threatened her with a gun and she actually went to the police.
That cost me time in prison. While in prison I received a spiritual revelation. I had a chance to look at myself and see the ugliness of myself and who I thought I was and who I was not.
This was in 1998. In the wake of the #MeToo movement I wanted to share my story. I wanted to share the distortion of who I thought women were and that they were to be used.
I realize now this is a time of healing and it feels good to be free to be able to say these things. I can remember that in that 10-year relationship, my protection was for her to be silent. For her not to say anything.
You know I thank the Lord Most High for allowing me to be free enough to speak about the ugliness of that part of me. I really, honestly believe that there are more men that need to see this within themselves.
I wrote a poem, an apology to the women I hurt and those who have been hurt at the hands of men like me.
My Apology
I apologize, Ladies, for my ignorance,
I didn’t know.
You see, I was blinded, mislead, and misguided by a fractured childhood,
false meaning of manhood, and a psychopathic ego.
I apologize for that person I used to be and for all the men who are still
blinded and cannot see.
I apologize to ALL Women known and unknown that happened across
my self-destructive path. Whatever harm I’ve created, I hope it doesn’t last.
I apologize for not realizing the true essence of your role. The whole existence
of this earth lies in your soul.
I apologize for not realizing that you are a partner, not a tool. All the while,
you were seeking love and support, not to be used.
I apologize for not realizing you are my help-mate, an extension of myself. Your
quality and necessity is valued more than ANY wealth.
You see, I realize you have been misunderstood, unheard, and neglected
way too long. I sure hope it doesn’t take the next man this long to realize
he’s been wrong.
I apologize for contributing to Satan’s plan and all the while called myself
fighting against "the man."
I pray each and everyday to the Most High for forgiveness in neglecting
my role as receiver of HIS most precious gift.
I apologize as a man, a TRUE Man, that I am.
Would you, please, accept MY Apology so that we can start over again?
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