Heaven Has a Bathrobe-Clad Receptionist Named Denise. She’s Helping TikTok Grieve
Artist From Berkeley Wins $1 Million for ‘Healing Project,’ Focused on Incarceration
A Food Altar for My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat
'Raymond & Ray' Offers Catharsis For the Emotionally Wounded
After Tremendous Loss, Rexx Life Raj Reaches for Healing on ‘The Blue Hour’
How We Process the Texas Shooting
Kevin Madrigal Galindo, 'Bittersweet'
These Oakland Artists Transformed their Greatest Pain into Purpose
'Notes on Grief' Makes Visceral the Experience of Death and Grieving
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She released her first book last year, entitled \u003cem>Snakeskin: Essays by Rocky Rivera\u003c/em> and writes the Frisco Foodies column.","avatar":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/946241ee2c59e6040607dfc75240d91b?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twitter":null,"facebook":"https://m.facebook.com/rockyriveramusic","instagram":"https://instagram.com/rockyrivera","linkedin":null,"sites":[{"site":"arts","roles":["author"]}],"headData":{"title":"Rocky Rivera | KQED","description":"KQED Contributor","ogImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/946241ee2c59e6040607dfc75240d91b?s=600&d=blank&r=g","twImgSrc":"https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/946241ee2c59e6040607dfc75240d91b?s=600&d=blank&r=g"},"isLoading":false,"link":"/author/rockyrivera"}},"breakingNewsReducer":{},"campaignFinanceReducer":{},"firebase":{"requesting":{},"requested":{},"timestamps":{},"data":{},"ordered":{},"auth":{"isLoaded":false,"isEmpty":true},"authError":null,"profile":{"isLoaded":false,"isEmpty":true},"listeners":{"byId":{},"allIds":[]},"isInitializing":false,"errors":[]},"navBarReducer":{"navBarId":"arts","fullView":true,"showPlayer":false},"navMenuReducer":{"menus":[{"key":"menu1","items":[{"name":"News","link":"/","type":"title"},{"name":"Politics","link":"/politics"},{"name":"Science","link":"/science"},{"name":"Education","link":"/educationnews"},{"name":"Housing","link":"/housing"},{"name":"Immigration","link":"/immigration"},{"name":"Criminal Justice","link":"/criminaljustice"},{"name":"Silicon Valley","link":"/siliconvalley"},{"name":"Forum","link":"/forum"},{"name":"The California Report","link":"/californiareport"}]},{"key":"menu2","items":[{"name":"Arts & Culture","link":"/arts","type":"title"},{"name":"Critics’ Picks","link":"/thedolist"},{"name":"Cultural Commentary","link":"/artscommentary"},{"name":"Food & Drink","link":"/food"},{"name":"Bay Area Hip-Hop","link":"/bayareahiphop"},{"name":"Rebel Girls","link":"/rebelgirls"},{"name":"Arts Video","link":"/artsvideos"}]},{"key":"menu3","items":[{"name":"Podcasts","link":"/podcasts","type":"title"},{"name":"Bay Curious","link":"/podcasts/baycurious"},{"name":"Rightnowish","link":"/podcasts/rightnowish"},{"name":"The Bay","link":"/podcasts/thebay"},{"name":"On Our Watch","link":"/podcasts/onourwatch"},{"name":"Mindshift","link":"/podcasts/mindshift"},{"name":"Consider This","link":"/podcasts/considerthis"},{"name":"Political Breakdown","link":"/podcasts/politicalbreakdown"}]},{"key":"menu4","items":[{"name":"Live Radio","link":"/radio","type":"title"},{"name":"TV","link":"/tv","type":"title"},{"name":"Events","link":"/events","type":"title"},{"name":"For Educators","link":"/education","type":"title"},{"name":"Support KQED","link":"/support","type":"title"},{"name":"About","link":"/about","type":"title"},{"name":"Help Center","link":"https://kqed-helpcenter.kqed.org/s","type":"title"}]}]},"pagesReducer":{},"postsReducer":{"stream_live":{"type":"live","id":"stream_live","audioUrl":"https://streams.kqed.org/kqedradio","title":"Live Stream","excerpt":"Live Stream information currently unavailable.","link":"/radio","featImg":"","label":{"name":"KQED Live","link":"/"}},"stream_kqedNewscast":{"type":"posts","id":"stream_kqedNewscast","audioUrl":"https://www.kqed.org/.stream/anon/radio/RDnews/newscast.mp3?_=1","title":"KQED Newscast","featImg":"","label":{"name":"88.5 FM","link":"/"}},"arts_13929332":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13929332","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13929332","score":null,"sort":[1684434652000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"heaven-has-a-bathrobe-clad-receptionist-named-denise-shes-helping-tiktok-grieve","title":"Heaven Has a Bathrobe-Clad Receptionist Named Denise. She’s Helping TikTok Grieve","publishDate":1684434652,"format":"standard","headTitle":"Heaven Has a Bathrobe-Clad Receptionist Named Denise. She’s Helping TikTok Grieve | KQED","labelTerm":{"term":137,"site":"arts"},"content":"\u003cp>If you ask anyone on TikTok what happens when you die, there’s a decent chance they’ll put it this way: You appear in a waiting room. You’re wearing a bathrobe. And you’re greeted not by St. Peter or Mother Mary, but by a gum-snapping, keyboard-clacking \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7210484666183404846\">New Yorker named Denise\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As heaven’s receptionist, Denise will hand you a welcome packet and ask what you want your ghost outfit to be. She’ll fill you in on heaven’s amenities (there’s a free margarita bar), and she’ll likely leave you with a little bit of gossip, lowering her voice to gripe about Paul Revere’s latest email (all caps, subject line: URGENT) or that time in the nail salon when Jackie Kennedy met Marilyn Monroe (“like two cats on a hot tin roof”).\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7210484666183404846\" data-video-id=\"7210484666183404846\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"greenscreen\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/greenscreen?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#greenscreen\u003c/a> there have been many requests for more footage of denise on the job. You go Denise \u003ca title=\"ghostoutfit\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/ghostoutfit?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#ghostoutfit\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ Bossa nova that looks good in a cafe(976272) - MiYAMO\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/Bossa-nova-that-looks-good-in-a-cafe-976272-6941084509500606466?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ Bossa nova that looks good in a cafe(976272) – MiYAMO\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003cp>[tiktok]\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>But for all her office-gal kvetching, Denise is a people person. When someone shows up in the waiting room with fear or confusion — having \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7218385592424336682\">died too young\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213123155471224107\">too soon\u003c/a> — it’s Denise who’s there to scoop them up in a hug and show them all of heaven’s silver linings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And for the TikTokers watching along, she has become a tool for thinking through the afterlife — and for grieving those who’ve already made their way there.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>The real Denise is a 26-year-old pageant queen\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Though arguably just as poignant as \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2020/01/31/801540105/a-goodbye-to-the-good-place\">\u003cem>The Good Place\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1213570\">\u003cem>Field of Dreams\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the world of heaven’s reception is a low-fi, short-form experience. And like most TikTok series, it’s the imaginings of one person alone: Taryn Delanie Smith.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13929334\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13929334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-800x600.jpg\" alt=\"A beautiful young woman of color stands on the red carpet of the Lincoln Center, wearing a white dress and a sash.\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-800x600.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-160x120.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-768x576.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-1536x1152.jpg 1536w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-2048x1536.jpg 2048w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-1920x1440.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Taryn Delanie Smith, pictured here at the opening of New York’s David Geffen Hall, entered the Miss New York pageant after she’d built a strong following on TikTok. \u003ccite>(Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images for Lincoln Center)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The 26-year-old, better known as \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21\">@taryntino21\u003c/a>, considers herself first and foremost a content creator — she has gained 1.2 million TikTok followers in two years of posting. But she’s an offline celebrity in her own right as well, having been crowned 2022’s Miss New York and runner-up in the Miss America competition.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But before Smith had any sort of platform, she herself was a receptionist, working long hours to pay her way through a master’s degree in international communication. It’s that experience that she pulls from to inform Denise’s character.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13893843']“I got promoted to the call center eventually, which was definitely not the promotion I thought it’d be,” Smith said in an interview with NPR.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even heaven’s receptionist has to go through the same mundane daily dramas as any earthly office worker.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There’s the slew of entitled folks who think they deserve the Angel Premium Plus package but are short on the cost: 7,899 good deeds. But then there’s the creepy resident with red eyes who keeps abusing a downstairs pass to terrorize a suburban family.\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7234535523090533674\" data-video-id=\"7234535523090533674\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> So many tammy fans out here smh she IS trying to turn her ghoulish life around guys \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ It is a looped file of 3 minutes and 29 seconds.(1066513) - Clar Music\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/It-is-a-looped-file-of-3-minutes-and-29-seconds-1066513-6997857279706712065?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ It is a looped file of 3 minutes and 29 seconds.(1066513) – Clar Music\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003cp>[tiktok]\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003ch3>“Why can’t we just let women do it all?”\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>It’s these types of creative, world-building details that keep Smith’s audience so hooked. But like all great ideas, Denise’s character was born in the least grandiose of ways — as a stray thought in the shower.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I was standing there thinking, ‘If I die in a chicken suit, then I have to wear the chicken suit forever.’ Can you imagine a ghost coming to you in a chicken suit?” Smith said. “And I just couldn’t stop giggling.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She hopped out of the shower and into a robe and towel, found the first stock image of heaven that came up on Google and made what she thought would be the stupidest video on the internet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Today, the heaven’s receptionist videos have been viewed over 37 million times on Smith’s TikTok page, and at least 22 million times on other platforms. Smith gets recognized on the street as Denise more often than she does as Miss New York.\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213844985483939115\" data-video-id=\"7213844985483939115\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> Someone in Michigan is having a horrible 2023 \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ 4 beat Jazz instrumental music. Live style. - Masanobu\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/4-beat-Jazz-instrumental-music-Live-style-6817537371345520641?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ 4 beat Jazz instrumental music. Live style. – Masanobu\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003cp>[tiktok]\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Holding those dual identities might be incongruous in some minds, but for Smith, it just works.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Why can’t we just let women do it all? Just let them be their beautiful, silly, authentic selves,” she said. “I didn’t really think I’d be pushing the envelope just by being myself and being a beauty queen.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13909111']The same authenticity that plays well with today’s Generation Z audiences helped her stand out onstage. Shunning \u003ca href=\"https://www.glamour.com/story/black-women-beauty-pageants-natural-hair\">archaic Black beauty standards\u003c/a>, Smith competed in Miss New York with her natural hair, a move that ultimately earned her \u003ca href=\"https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/tiktok-comedian-taryn-delanie-smith-195837879.html\">more praise than criticism\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If anything, she said, she has faced more criticism for her comedy than her looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“For people that are fans of pageantry, they don’t get my TikTok characters. Some of them would be like, ‘I don’t get it. Why is she being so weird?’ And I’m not being weird. I’m having fun. I’m being silly.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I would love for more adults to be able to release that inhibition, even if it’s just in private,” she said. “I think humans were meant to create things. We just get in our own way.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>When Denise gets personal, the comments get real\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The more Smith shows up as her uninhibited self, the more the audience adopts the same mindset. If you’re not careful, the humor can chip away at the hardened edges of grief, revealing something soft and raw underneath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I don’t want to kill the vibe,” one user \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7211276665647828267\">wrote in the comments section early on\u003c/a>, “but these make me so happy because I imagine someone sweet like you greeted my mom.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Without warning, Smith broke with the humor in her sixth Denise video. As the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” ran low in the background, she tenderly welcomed another commenter’s mother into heaven by name.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“No, it’s all right. Come forward. I know who you are. You’re Gerry, right?” \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213123155471224107\">Denise says as she looks up from her laptop\u003c/a>, her face full of sheer kindness. “You are so loved. I’m already getting prayer mail for you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213123155471224107\" data-video-id=\"7213123155471224107\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> Replying to @jennifertavernier13 for you and your mama ❤️ she absolutely qualified for angel premium plus btw! \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ Somewhere Over The Rainbow_What A Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/Somewhere-Over-The-RainbowWhat-A-Wonderful-World-6981484589350455298?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ Somewhere Over The Rainbow_What A Wonderful World – Israel Kamakawiwo’ole\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>[tiktok]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For such a personal message, it had wide resonance. The video has racked up over 10,000 comments, many of them filled with heart emojis and stories about even more lost loved ones — people missing mothers also, coincidentally, named Gerry, but also lost babies, aunts, great-uncles, older brothers, younger sisters, grandparents, celebrity idols and beloved pets.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13922668']Smith said she receives many, sometimes “hundreds,” of emails and comments every week requesting that she insert specific people into her videos. The stories are so touching that she can’t read them all because of how much she’ll cry. But some days she still tries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m actually very spiritual. I believe in this stuff. I’ve lost people that I talk to all the time,” she said. “Because love just doesn’t … it can’t go away. It’s too big. When you love somebody the way my mom loves me, the way I love my friends, it can’t be contained in this boring earthly body.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Grief arises on TikTok the way it does in the real world: randomly\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the real world, we carry a persistent expectation that our grief will expire. Funerals come and go. Bereavement leave ends. Friends stop asking how you’re doing out of fear of saying the wrong thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But on TikTok, in what can often be an endless sea of noise and distraction, images of grief can arise randomly in the algorithm just as easily as reminders of your loved ones pop up uninvited as you move through the day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The difference on the platform is that you’re often, by default, not alone in the experience. The video may be confessional, theatrical or didactic, but there’s a good chance it’s going to feature a human you can see and connect to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s like each successive generation breaks a boundary when it comes to sharing grief,” said Megan Devine, a psychotherapist who studies grief and is the author of \u003cem>It’s OK That You’re Not OK.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“On TikTok, you get rewarded for immediacy, which feeds into the sense of, ‘We should be talking about this more,'” Devine said. “It’s making big overwhelming issues digestible. … It’s safer to explore the edges of what we can tell the truth about.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The hashtag #Grief is among TikTok’s most popular, with over 9 billion individual posts. And even in that huge conversation, Smith’s videos about Denise manage to stand out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7232036504267164970\" data-video-id=\"7232036504267164970\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> Parts of this email were shared with permission from @Becca Darling ❤️ it took me awhile to be able to record this one without getting teary. Hugs becca. \u003ca title=\"grief\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/grief?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#grief\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ original sound - Taryn Delanie🤠\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/original-sound-7232036530368318254?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ original sound – Taryn Delanie🤠\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>[tiktok]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What she does so intuitively well is pair grief with a dose of playfulness, and also with secularity and spirituality, authenticity and vulnerability, the personal and the universal — all combining into a potent catharsis cocktail.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13916203']But above all, “she’s speaking to the most human need: the need for connection,” Devine said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully for Denise’s fans, Smith, too, is in it for the human connection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The only reason I do this is because of the collaborative nature of it,” she said, adding that she has found the most inspiration for the videos in the comments section. “As long as we’re still doing this together as a team, then I’m here for it.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">\u003cem>Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org\">visit NPR\u003c/a>.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Heaven+has+a+bathrobe-clad+receptionist+named+Denise.+She%27s+helping+TikTok+grieve&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/em>\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Taryn Smith, a 26-year-old TikToker, is so beloved as heaven's receptionist, her videos have been viewed over 37 million times.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705005483,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":44,"wordCount":1877},"headData":{"title":"Fans Adore TikTok Star Taryn Smith as Heaven's Receptionist | KQED","description":"Taryn Smith, a 26-year-old TikToker, is so beloved as heaven's receptionist, her videos have been viewed over 37 million times.","ogTitle":"Heaven Has a Bathrobe-Clad Receptionist Named Denise. She’s Helping TikTok Grieve","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"Heaven Has a Bathrobe-Clad Receptionist Named Denise. She’s Helping TikTok Grieve","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialTitle":"Fans Adore TikTok Star Taryn Smith as Heaven's Receptionist %%page%% %%sep%% KQED","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Heaven Has a Bathrobe-Clad Receptionist Named Denise. She’s Helping TikTok Grieve","datePublished":"2023-05-18T18:30:52.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T20:38:03.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"sticky":false,"nprImageCredit":"TikTok @taryntino21","nprByline":"Emily Olson","nprImageAgency":"Screenshot by NPR","nprStoryId":"1176390628","nprApiLink":"http://api.npr.org/query?id=1176390628&apiKey=MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004","nprHtmlLink":"https://www.npr.org/2023/05/18/1176390628/taryn-delanie-smith-tiktok-miss-new-york-heaven-receptionist-denise?ft=nprml&f=1176390628","nprRetrievedStory":"1","nprPubDate":"Thu, 18 May 2023 11:07:00 -0400","nprStoryDate":"Thu, 18 May 2023 05:00:26 -0400","nprLastModifiedDate":"Thu, 18 May 2023 11:07:57 -0400","templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/arts/13929332/heaven-has-a-bathrobe-clad-receptionist-named-denise-shes-helping-tiktok-grieve","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>If you ask anyone on TikTok what happens when you die, there’s a decent chance they’ll put it this way: You appear in a waiting room. You’re wearing a bathrobe. And you’re greeted not by St. Peter or Mother Mary, but by a gum-snapping, keyboard-clacking \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7210484666183404846\">New Yorker named Denise\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As heaven’s receptionist, Denise will hand you a welcome packet and ask what you want your ghost outfit to be. She’ll fill you in on heaven’s amenities (there’s a free margarita bar), and she’ll likely leave you with a little bit of gossip, lowering her voice to gripe about Paul Revere’s latest email (all caps, subject line: URGENT) or that time in the nail salon when Jackie Kennedy met Marilyn Monroe (“like two cats on a hot tin roof”).\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7210484666183404846\" data-video-id=\"7210484666183404846\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"greenscreen\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/greenscreen?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#greenscreen\u003c/a> there have been many requests for more footage of denise on the job. You go Denise \u003ca title=\"ghostoutfit\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/ghostoutfit?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#ghostoutfit\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ Bossa nova that looks good in a cafe(976272) - MiYAMO\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/Bossa-nova-that-looks-good-in-a-cafe-976272-6941084509500606466?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ Bossa nova that looks good in a cafe(976272) – MiYAMO\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"tiktok","attributes":{"named":{"label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>But for all her office-gal kvetching, Denise is a people person. When someone shows up in the waiting room with fear or confusion — having \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7218385592424336682\">died too young\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213123155471224107\">too soon\u003c/a> — it’s Denise who’s there to scoop them up in a hug and show them all of heaven’s silver linings.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And for the TikTokers watching along, she has become a tool for thinking through the afterlife — and for grieving those who’ve already made their way there.\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>The real Denise is a 26-year-old pageant queen\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Though arguably just as poignant as \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2020/01/31/801540105/a-goodbye-to-the-good-place\">\u003cem>The Good Place\u003c/em>\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=1213570\">\u003cem>Field of Dreams\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, the world of heaven’s reception is a low-fi, short-form experience. And like most TikTok series, it’s the imaginings of one person alone: Taryn Delanie Smith.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13929334\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13929334\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-800x600.jpg\" alt=\"A beautiful young woman of color stands on the red carpet of the Lincoln Center, wearing a white dress and a sash.\" width=\"800\" height=\"600\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-800x600.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-160x120.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-768x576.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-1536x1152.jpg 1536w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-2048x1536.jpg 2048w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2023/05/gettyimages-1436869743-684d86d413c78aba2bef24d3f13d895af6b06b65-1920x1440.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Taryn Delanie Smith, pictured here at the opening of New York’s David Geffen Hall, entered the Miss New York pageant after she’d built a strong following on TikTok. \u003ccite>(Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images for Lincoln Center)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The 26-year-old, better known as \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21\">@taryntino21\u003c/a>, considers herself first and foremost a content creator — she has gained 1.2 million TikTok followers in two years of posting. But she’s an offline celebrity in her own right as well, having been crowned 2022’s Miss New York and runner-up in the Miss America competition.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But before Smith had any sort of platform, she herself was a receptionist, working long hours to pay her way through a master’s degree in international communication. It’s that experience that she pulls from to inform Denise’s character.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13893843","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>“I got promoted to the call center eventually, which was definitely not the promotion I thought it’d be,” Smith said in an interview with NPR.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Even heaven’s receptionist has to go through the same mundane daily dramas as any earthly office worker.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>There’s the slew of entitled folks who think they deserve the Angel Premium Plus package but are short on the cost: 7,899 good deeds. But then there’s the creepy resident with red eyes who keeps abusing a downstairs pass to terrorize a suburban family.\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7234535523090533674\" data-video-id=\"7234535523090533674\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> So many tammy fans out here smh she IS trying to turn her ghoulish life around guys \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ It is a looped file of 3 minutes and 29 seconds.(1066513) - Clar Music\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/It-is-a-looped-file-of-3-minutes-and-29-seconds-1066513-6997857279706712065?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ It is a looped file of 3 minutes and 29 seconds.(1066513) – Clar Music\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"tiktok","attributes":{"named":{"label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003ch3>“Why can’t we just let women do it all?”\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>It’s these types of creative, world-building details that keep Smith’s audience so hooked. But like all great ideas, Denise’s character was born in the least grandiose of ways — as a stray thought in the shower.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I was standing there thinking, ‘If I die in a chicken suit, then I have to wear the chicken suit forever.’ Can you imagine a ghost coming to you in a chicken suit?” Smith said. “And I just couldn’t stop giggling.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She hopped out of the shower and into a robe and towel, found the first stock image of heaven that came up on Google and made what she thought would be the stupidest video on the internet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Today, the heaven’s receptionist videos have been viewed over 37 million times on Smith’s TikTok page, and at least 22 million times on other platforms. Smith gets recognized on the street as Denise more often than she does as Miss New York.\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213844985483939115\" data-video-id=\"7213844985483939115\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> Someone in Michigan is having a horrible 2023 \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ 4 beat Jazz instrumental music. Live style. - Masanobu\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/4-beat-Jazz-instrumental-music-Live-style-6817537371345520641?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ 4 beat Jazz instrumental music. Live style. – Masanobu\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"tiktok","attributes":{"named":{"label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Holding those dual identities might be incongruous in some minds, but for Smith, it just works.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Why can’t we just let women do it all? Just let them be their beautiful, silly, authentic selves,” she said. “I didn’t really think I’d be pushing the envelope just by being myself and being a beauty queen.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13909111","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>The same authenticity that plays well with today’s Generation Z audiences helped her stand out onstage. Shunning \u003ca href=\"https://www.glamour.com/story/black-women-beauty-pageants-natural-hair\">archaic Black beauty standards\u003c/a>, Smith competed in Miss New York with her natural hair, a move that ultimately earned her \u003ca href=\"https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/tiktok-comedian-taryn-delanie-smith-195837879.html\">more praise than criticism\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If anything, she said, she has faced more criticism for her comedy than her looks.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“For people that are fans of pageantry, they don’t get my TikTok characters. Some of them would be like, ‘I don’t get it. Why is she being so weird?’ And I’m not being weird. I’m having fun. I’m being silly.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I would love for more adults to be able to release that inhibition, even if it’s just in private,” she said. “I think humans were meant to create things. We just get in our own way.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>When Denise gets personal, the comments get real\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>The more Smith shows up as her uninhibited self, the more the audience adopts the same mindset. If you’re not careful, the humor can chip away at the hardened edges of grief, revealing something soft and raw underneath.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I don’t want to kill the vibe,” one user \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7211276665647828267\">wrote in the comments section early on\u003c/a>, “but these make me so happy because I imagine someone sweet like you greeted my mom.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Without warning, Smith broke with the humor in her sixth Denise video. As the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” ran low in the background, she tenderly welcomed another commenter’s mother into heaven by name.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“No, it’s all right. Come forward. I know who you are. You’re Gerry, right?” \u003ca href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213123155471224107\">Denise says as she looks up from her laptop\u003c/a>, her face full of sheer kindness. “You are so loved. I’m already getting prayer mail for you.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7213123155471224107\" data-video-id=\"7213123155471224107\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> Replying to @jennifertavernier13 for you and your mama ❤️ she absolutely qualified for angel premium plus btw! \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ Somewhere Over The Rainbow_What A Wonderful World - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/Somewhere-Over-The-RainbowWhat-A-Wonderful-World-6981484589350455298?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ Somewhere Over The Rainbow_What A Wonderful World – Israel Kamakawiwo’ole\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"tiktok","attributes":{"named":{"label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For such a personal message, it had wide resonance. The video has racked up over 10,000 comments, many of them filled with heart emojis and stories about even more lost loved ones — people missing mothers also, coincidentally, named Gerry, but also lost babies, aunts, great-uncles, older brothers, younger sisters, grandparents, celebrity idols and beloved pets.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13922668","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>Smith said she receives many, sometimes “hundreds,” of emails and comments every week requesting that she insert specific people into her videos. The stories are so touching that she can’t read them all because of how much she’ll cry. But some days she still tries.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m actually very spiritual. I believe in this stuff. I’ve lost people that I talk to all the time,” she said. “Because love just doesn’t … it can’t go away. It’s too big. When you love somebody the way my mom loves me, the way I love my friends, it can’t be contained in this boring earthly body.”\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Grief arises on TikTok the way it does in the real world: randomly\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>In the real world, we carry a persistent expectation that our grief will expire. Funerals come and go. Bereavement leave ends. Friends stop asking how you’re doing out of fear of saying the wrong thing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But on TikTok, in what can often be an endless sea of noise and distraction, images of grief can arise randomly in the algorithm just as easily as reminders of your loved ones pop up uninvited as you move through the day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The difference on the platform is that you’re often, by default, not alone in the experience. The video may be confessional, theatrical or didactic, but there’s a good chance it’s going to feature a human you can see and connect to.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“It’s like each successive generation breaks a boundary when it comes to sharing grief,” said Megan Devine, a psychotherapist who studies grief and is the author of \u003cem>It’s OK That You’re Not OK.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“On TikTok, you get rewarded for immediacy, which feeds into the sense of, ‘We should be talking about this more,'” Devine said. “It’s making big overwhelming issues digestible. … It’s safer to explore the edges of what we can tell the truth about.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The hashtag #Grief is among TikTok’s most popular, with over 9 billion individual posts. And even in that huge conversation, Smith’s videos about Denise manage to stand out.\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote class=\"tiktok-embed\" style=\"max-width: 605px;min-width: 325px\" cite=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21/video/7232036504267164970\" data-video-id=\"7232036504267164970\">\n\u003csection>\u003ca title=\"@taryntino21\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/@taryntino21?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">@taryntino21\u003c/a> Parts of this email were shared with permission from @Becca Darling ❤️ it took me awhile to be able to record this one without getting teary. Hugs becca. \u003ca title=\"grief\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/grief?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#grief\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"heaven\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/heaven?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#heaven\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"receptionist\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/tag/receptionist?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">#receptionist\u003c/a> \u003ca title=\"♬ original sound - Taryn Delanie🤠\" href=\"https://www.tiktok.com/music/original-sound-7232036530368318254?refer=embed\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">♬ original sound – Taryn Delanie🤠\u003c/a>\u003c/section>\n\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"tiktok","attributes":{"named":{"label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>What she does so intuitively well is pair grief with a dose of playfulness, and also with secularity and spirituality, authenticity and vulnerability, the personal and the universal — all combining into a potent catharsis cocktail.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13916203","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>But above all, “she’s speaking to the most human need: the need for connection,” Devine said.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Thankfully for Denise’s fans, Smith, too, is in it for the human connection.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The only reason I do this is because of the collaborative nature of it,” she said, adding that she has found the most inspiration for the videos in the comments section. “As long as we’re still doing this together as a team, then I’m here for it.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">\u003cem>Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org\">visit NPR\u003c/a>.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=Heaven+has+a+bathrobe-clad+receptionist+named+Denise.+She%27s+helping+TikTok+grieve&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/em>\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13929332/heaven-has-a-bathrobe-clad-receptionist-named-denise-shes-helping-tiktok-grieve","authors":["byline_arts_13929332"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_75"],"tags":["arts_12735","arts_2838","arts_2137","arts_8017"],"affiliates":["arts_137"],"featImg":"arts_13929333","label":"arts_137"},"arts_13925000":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13925000","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13925000","score":null,"sort":[1676058303000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"artist-from-berkeley-wins-1-million-for-healing-project-focused-on-incarceration","title":"Artist From Berkeley Wins $1 Million for ‘Healing Project,’ Focused on Incarceration","publishDate":1676058303,"format":"standard","headTitle":"Artist From Berkeley Wins $1 Million for ‘Healing Project,’ Focused on Incarceration | KQED","labelTerm":{"term":137,"site":"arts"},"content":"\u003cp>There’s a multidisciplinary artist who is so remarkable that although he is just 31 years old, he’s just been awarded a rare $1 million grant from the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation to fund his work: \u003ca href=\"https://www.samorapinderhughes.com/\">Samora Pinderhughes.\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinderhughes does many things. He’s a vocalist, pianist, composer and filmmaker. He’s also very much an activist against mass incarceration. For the past eight years, he’s been working on something called \u003ca href=\"https://www.samorapinderhughes.com/healingproject/\">The Healing Project\u003c/a>. As the name suggests, it’s about healing and leaving yourself emotionally open — to your own feelings, to the experiences of others, to generosity. That openness to vulnerability is also clear in Pinderhughes’ sweet, warm voice and in his wide vision for his work.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13924661']He was inspired by the plays of one of his mentors, the playwright and actress \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2015/12/07/458742076/anna-deavere-smith-wants-playgoers-to-do-what-they-can-to-counter-violence\">Anna Deavere Smith\u003c/a>, who often bases her work on documentary interviews she’s conducted; she asked him if he was interested in exploring something similar. It led Pinderhughes — originally from the Bay Area, and now based in New York City — on a journey to conduct conversations with people across the U.S. about incarceration and structural violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinderhughes has always been involved in activism: his parents are professors and community activists. “It was very natural for me to start creating things that had a message,” he observes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He later attended Juilliard as a jazz student. “I was there for piano performance,” he says. “I think off the top it was probably not the right place for me — but I just didn’t know that at the time that composing was a job! I wasn’t like, ‘Oh, OK, I could be like my own artist and make my own work.’ I found amazing teachers there — Frank Kimbrough, Kendall Briggs and \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/01/16/1149021094/nea-jazz-master-kenny-barron-shines-playing-solo-on-the-source\">Kenny Barron\u003c/a> in particular — who allowed me to be myself.” At the same time, he says, he felt he was surrounded by fellow students who were more interested in being the strongest possible technical players.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICUoG54pIW0\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Meanwhile,” he adds, “I was very concerned with what was happening in the world, and how to say something about that through the music, and how to collaborate with different disciplines. I wanted to make things with the actors and make things with the string players. I was a little bit lost in the sauce there.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One particular inflection point sparked Pinderhughes into using his music to address racial violence directly. “I think what really happened was \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2016/08/11/489494015/the-butterfly-effects-of-ferguson\">the Ferguson uprising\u003c/a> and Mike Brown’s murder, it just really charged something,” he observes. Ultimately, that led to the creation of Pinderhughes’ ambitious 2016 work \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2017/01/19/510578539/radical-imagination-jazz-and-social-justice\">\u003cem>The Transformations Suite\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which melded jazz, spoken-word poetry and visuals into a plea for social justice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In its current form, The Healing Project is also made up of many elements, including music, films and visual art. It’s meant to be performed and experienced in many different ways and in different places. Pinderhughes, who is of mixed-race and Black ancestry, says that there is one central question at its core.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFppyjwHcd4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“That ended up being the question of healing from structural violence,” he says. “By structural violence, I mean just basically any type of trauma that could come from violences that are created by the society. So that could be imprisonment, that could be police brutality. It could even just be something like poverty and just like the circumstances of one’s upbringing and environment. It brought me on a journey of talking to hundreds of people around the country about their experiences and their ideas, most importantly, about healing and what they’ve been through, how they’ve come through it.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Those hundreds of conversations included people who are currently incarcerated; many of them contributed their own art to the project. Pinderhughes worked with a constellation of professional artists and musicians to make meditations on those conversations, including the album \u003cem>Grief\u003c/em>. Other parts of the project include live performances and a visual art exhibition on display last year at San Francisco’s \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13911226/samora-pinderhughes-ybca-the-healing-project\">Yerba Buena Center for the Arts\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFIjSW8HqMI\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I didn’t really want to limit it,” Pinderhughes says. “So I basically did everything that each person asked me to do. If they wanted to send me pieces that they had drawn through the mail if they were incarcerated, those go up in the exhibition. If they wanted to talk about the realities and experiences of loss and grieving, we would make a film about that. If they wanted to talk about the process of healing from long periods of incarceration, we’re going to make a composition about that.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13924934']The expansiveness of The Healing Project — part creative vessel, part catalyst for activism and part new collaborative model — is so dynamic that it attracted the attention of the Mellon Foundation. \u003ca href=\"https://mellon.org/about/staff/emil-kang/\">Emil Kang\u003c/a> directs its arts and culture program. He was blown away by Pinderhughes’ vision.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I started asking him about his own artistic practice and he started to in some ways bifurcate his work: to talk about his music over here, his lived experience over here and his commitment to abolition work over there. And how he longed for the day of a time when he could actually bring all of this together.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“To be frank,” Kang continues, “I was saddened by what he was saying to me, but yet I understood exactly what he was saying — that the ecosystem that we have now, especially in the performing arts, still exists in a transactional way, where an artist just puts out their work and hopes people get it somehow. At the Mellon Foundation, as we are trying to push forward our own work and what the future of the performing arts looks like, we really do believe it’s in the guise of contemporary performance — in a way that allows artists to be able to show the totality of their humanity in their work, and not just the virtuosity of their skill.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa9FmZN3NLg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It is extremely rare for a single performer to get a million dollars from a grant; that’s about the same sum as a Nobel Prize. That money is going to allow The Healing Project to be manifested into even more forms, Pinderhughes says. He also avers that this is very much a collaborative effort: “Everybody that was a part of the project had a stake in the project, so everybody that has ever been a part of this project co-owns this project with me. Everybody that has been a part of the project has just as much say over what is in it as I do.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m really honored and humbled to receive this opportunity to just take this project into the stratosphere,” Pinderhughes continues. “It’s only the beginning, really, of what we have planned. I am an artist and I believe deeply in the power of art, but I also want to materially create change in the lives of the people that are a part of it and also in the communities that it wants to serve.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13924571']For example, Pinderhughes plans to make a printed book version of The Healing Project, because so many participants are incarcerated. They’re not able to access the collaboration otherwise.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he asked participants what they would need to create a space for their healing, spiritually or materially, some interviewees said that they needed things as basic as access to healthy food and jobs — which, for those formerly incarcerated, can be very hard to secure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“We’re also starting an initiative called The Healing Project Transformative Impact Fund,” Pinderhughes notes, “where we’re going to be using the project as a container to actually start to support the dreams and hopes and projects of the actual people who participated in the project — folks particularly who are formerly and currently incarcerated.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the same time, he says, “We’re going to continue to do that art, that narrative work, we’re going to make the book, we’re going to make more albums, we’re going to make more exhibitions, we’re going to make more films.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agCTXovPYp8\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the meantime, he hopes that the music of The Healing Project, and the power of its art, helps both creators and audiences chart their own paths to healing. He recalls a man coming up to him after a recent performance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“He was like, I feel like you should make a shirt that says, ‘I make grown men cry,’ ” Pinderhughes recounts. “And I was like, ‘That’s not a bad idea.’ So now, just kind of jokingly, that’s the tagline of what the energy is.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Friday evening, Pinderhughes and some of his musical collaborators will be performing \u003ca href=\"https://www.carnegiehall.org/calendar/2023/02/10/samora-pinderhughes-and-friends-0900pm\">a concert version\u003c/a> of The Healing Project at New York’s Zankel Hall at Carnegie Hall. Almost inevitably, people will cry. And that’s a big part of healing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Edited by: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/people/3850482/neda-ulaby\">\u003cem>Neda Ulaby\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Produced by: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/people/182335974/anastasia-tsioulcas\">\u003cem>Anastasia Tsioulcas\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Audio story produced by: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/people/766798576/isabella-gomez-sarmiento\">\u003cem>Isabella Gomez Sarmiento\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Audio story edited by: Neda Ulaby\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">\u003cem>Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">visit NPR\u003c/a>.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=An+artist%27s+%27Healing+Project%2C%27+focused+on+incarceration+and+violence%2C+wins+%241+million&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/em>\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Multidisciplinary artist Samora Pinderhughes has been exploring mass incarceration for the last eight years.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705005856,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":29,"wordCount":1643},"headData":{"title":"Samora Pinderhughes’ ‘Healing Project’ Wins $1 Million Grant | KQED","description":"Multidisciplinary artist Samora Pinderhughes has been exploring mass incarceration for the last eight years.","ogTitle":"Artist From Berkeley Wins $1 Million for ‘Healing Project,’ Focused on Incarceration","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"Artist From Berkeley Wins $1 Million for ‘Healing Project,’ Focused on Incarceration","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialTitle":"Samora Pinderhughes’ ‘Healing Project’ Wins $1 Million Grant%%page%% %%sep%% KQED","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Artist From Berkeley Wins $1 Million for ‘Healing Project,’ Focused on Incarceration","datePublished":"2023-02-10T19:45:03.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T20:44:16.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"sticky":false,"nprImageCredit":"Ray Neutron","nprByline":"Anastasia Tsioulcas","nprImageAgency":"Courtesy of the artist","nprStoryId":"1155783321","nprApiLink":"http://api.npr.org/query?id=1155783321&apiKey=MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004","nprHtmlLink":"https://www.npr.org/2023/02/10/1155783321/an-artists-healing-project-focused-on-incarceration-and-violence-wins-1-million?ft=nprml&f=1155783321","nprRetrievedStory":"1","nprPubDate":"Fri, 10 Feb 2023 08:04:00 -0500","nprStoryDate":"Fri, 10 Feb 2023 05:01:20 -0500","nprLastModifiedDate":"Fri, 10 Feb 2023 05:01:20 -0500","nprAudio":"https://ondemand.npr.org/anon.npr-mp3/npr/me/2023/02/20230210_me_an_artists_healing_project_focused_on_incarceration_and_violence_wins_1_million.mp3?orgId=1&topicId=1008&d=325&p=3&story=1155783321&ft=nprml&f=1155783321","nprAudioM3u":"http://api.npr.org/m3u/11155927125-16d893.m3u?orgId=1&topicId=1008&d=325&p=3&story=1155783321&ft=nprml&f=1155783321","templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/arts/13925000/artist-from-berkeley-wins-1-million-for-healing-project-focused-on-incarceration","audioUrl":"https://ondemand.npr.org/anon.npr-mp3/npr/me/2023/02/20230210_me_an_artists_healing_project_focused_on_incarceration_and_violence_wins_1_million.mp3?orgId=1&topicId=1008&d=325&p=3&story=1155783321&ft=nprml&f=1155783321","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>There’s a multidisciplinary artist who is so remarkable that although he is just 31 years old, he’s just been awarded a rare $1 million grant from the Andrew W. Mellon Foundation to fund his work: \u003ca href=\"https://www.samorapinderhughes.com/\">Samora Pinderhughes.\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinderhughes does many things. He’s a vocalist, pianist, composer and filmmaker. He’s also very much an activist against mass incarceration. For the past eight years, he’s been working on something called \u003ca href=\"https://www.samorapinderhughes.com/healingproject/\">The Healing Project\u003c/a>. As the name suggests, it’s about healing and leaving yourself emotionally open — to your own feelings, to the experiences of others, to generosity. That openness to vulnerability is also clear in Pinderhughes’ sweet, warm voice and in his wide vision for his work.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13924661","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>He was inspired by the plays of one of his mentors, the playwright and actress \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2015/12/07/458742076/anna-deavere-smith-wants-playgoers-to-do-what-they-can-to-counter-violence\">Anna Deavere Smith\u003c/a>, who often bases her work on documentary interviews she’s conducted; she asked him if he was interested in exploring something similar. It led Pinderhughes — originally from the Bay Area, and now based in New York City — on a journey to conduct conversations with people across the U.S. about incarceration and structural violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Pinderhughes has always been involved in activism: his parents are professors and community activists. “It was very natural for me to start creating things that had a message,” he observes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>He later attended Juilliard as a jazz student. “I was there for piano performance,” he says. “I think off the top it was probably not the right place for me — but I just didn’t know that at the time that composing was a job! I wasn’t like, ‘Oh, OK, I could be like my own artist and make my own work.’ I found amazing teachers there — Frank Kimbrough, Kendall Briggs and \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2023/01/16/1149021094/nea-jazz-master-kenny-barron-shines-playing-solo-on-the-source\">Kenny Barron\u003c/a> in particular — who allowed me to be myself.” At the same time, he says, he felt he was surrounded by fellow students who were more interested in being the strongest possible technical players.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/ICUoG54pIW0'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/ICUoG54pIW0'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>“Meanwhile,” he adds, “I was very concerned with what was happening in the world, and how to say something about that through the music, and how to collaborate with different disciplines. I wanted to make things with the actors and make things with the string players. I was a little bit lost in the sauce there.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>One particular inflection point sparked Pinderhughes into using his music to address racial violence directly. “I think what really happened was \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2016/08/11/489494015/the-butterfly-effects-of-ferguson\">the Ferguson uprising\u003c/a> and Mike Brown’s murder, it just really charged something,” he observes. Ultimately, that led to the creation of Pinderhughes’ ambitious 2016 work \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2017/01/19/510578539/radical-imagination-jazz-and-social-justice\">\u003cem>The Transformations Suite\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, which melded jazz, spoken-word poetry and visuals into a plea for social justice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In its current form, The Healing Project is also made up of many elements, including music, films and visual art. It’s meant to be performed and experienced in many different ways and in different places. Pinderhughes, who is of mixed-race and Black ancestry, says that there is one central question at its core.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/iFppyjwHcd4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/iFppyjwHcd4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>“That ended up being the question of healing from structural violence,” he says. “By structural violence, I mean just basically any type of trauma that could come from violences that are created by the society. So that could be imprisonment, that could be police brutality. It could even just be something like poverty and just like the circumstances of one’s upbringing and environment. It brought me on a journey of talking to hundreds of people around the country about their experiences and their ideas, most importantly, about healing and what they’ve been through, how they’ve come through it.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Those hundreds of conversations included people who are currently incarcerated; many of them contributed their own art to the project. Pinderhughes worked with a constellation of professional artists and musicians to make meditations on those conversations, including the album \u003cem>Grief\u003c/em>. Other parts of the project include live performances and a visual art exhibition on display last year at San Francisco’s \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13911226/samora-pinderhughes-ybca-the-healing-project\">Yerba Buena Center for the Arts\u003c/a>.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/WFIjSW8HqMI'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/WFIjSW8HqMI'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>“I didn’t really want to limit it,” Pinderhughes says. “So I basically did everything that each person asked me to do. If they wanted to send me pieces that they had drawn through the mail if they were incarcerated, those go up in the exhibition. If they wanted to talk about the realities and experiences of loss and grieving, we would make a film about that. If they wanted to talk about the process of healing from long periods of incarceration, we’re going to make a composition about that.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13924934","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>The expansiveness of The Healing Project — part creative vessel, part catalyst for activism and part new collaborative model — is so dynamic that it attracted the attention of the Mellon Foundation. \u003ca href=\"https://mellon.org/about/staff/emil-kang/\">Emil Kang\u003c/a> directs its arts and culture program. He was blown away by Pinderhughes’ vision.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I started asking him about his own artistic practice and he started to in some ways bifurcate his work: to talk about his music over here, his lived experience over here and his commitment to abolition work over there. And how he longed for the day of a time when he could actually bring all of this together.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“To be frank,” Kang continues, “I was saddened by what he was saying to me, but yet I understood exactly what he was saying — that the ecosystem that we have now, especially in the performing arts, still exists in a transactional way, where an artist just puts out their work and hopes people get it somehow. At the Mellon Foundation, as we are trying to push forward our own work and what the future of the performing arts looks like, we really do believe it’s in the guise of contemporary performance — in a way that allows artists to be able to show the totality of their humanity in their work, and not just the virtuosity of their skill.”\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/aa9FmZN3NLg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/aa9FmZN3NLg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>It is extremely rare for a single performer to get a million dollars from a grant; that’s about the same sum as a Nobel Prize. That money is going to allow The Healing Project to be manifested into even more forms, Pinderhughes says. He also avers that this is very much a collaborative effort: “Everybody that was a part of the project had a stake in the project, so everybody that has ever been a part of this project co-owns this project with me. Everybody that has been a part of the project has just as much say over what is in it as I do.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I’m really honored and humbled to receive this opportunity to just take this project into the stratosphere,” Pinderhughes continues. “It’s only the beginning, really, of what we have planned. I am an artist and I believe deeply in the power of art, but I also want to materially create change in the lives of the people that are a part of it and also in the communities that it wants to serve.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13924571","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>For example, Pinderhughes plans to make a printed book version of The Healing Project, because so many participants are incarcerated. They’re not able to access the collaboration otherwise.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>When he asked participants what they would need to create a space for their healing, spiritually or materially, some interviewees said that they needed things as basic as access to healthy food and jobs — which, for those formerly incarcerated, can be very hard to secure.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“We’re also starting an initiative called The Healing Project Transformative Impact Fund,” Pinderhughes notes, “where we’re going to be using the project as a container to actually start to support the dreams and hopes and projects of the actual people who participated in the project — folks particularly who are formerly and currently incarcerated.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At the same time, he says, “We’re going to continue to do that art, that narrative work, we’re going to make the book, we’re going to make more albums, we’re going to make more exhibitions, we’re going to make more films.”\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/agCTXovPYp8'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/agCTXovPYp8'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>In the meantime, he hopes that the music of The Healing Project, and the power of its art, helps both creators and audiences chart their own paths to healing. He recalls a man coming up to him after a recent performance.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“He was like, I feel like you should make a shirt that says, ‘I make grown men cry,’ ” Pinderhughes recounts. “And I was like, ‘That’s not a bad idea.’ So now, just kind of jokingly, that’s the tagline of what the energy is.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Friday evening, Pinderhughes and some of his musical collaborators will be performing \u003ca href=\"https://www.carnegiehall.org/calendar/2023/02/10/samora-pinderhughes-and-friends-0900pm\">a concert version\u003c/a> of The Healing Project at New York’s Zankel Hall at Carnegie Hall. Almost inevitably, people will cry. And that’s a big part of healing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Edited by: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/people/3850482/neda-ulaby\">\u003cem>Neda Ulaby\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Produced by: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/people/182335974/anastasia-tsioulcas\">\u003cem>Anastasia Tsioulcas\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Audio story produced by: \u003c/em>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/people/766798576/isabella-gomez-sarmiento\">\u003cem>Isabella Gomez Sarmiento\u003c/em>\u003c/a>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Audio story edited by: Neda Ulaby\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">\u003cem>Copyright 2023 NPR. To see more, \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">visit NPR\u003c/a>.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=An+artist%27s+%27Healing+Project%2C%27+focused+on+incarceration+and+violence%2C+wins+%241+million&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/em>\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13925000/artist-from-berkeley-wins-1-million-for-healing-project-focused-on-incarceration","authors":["byline_arts_13925000"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_835"],"tags":["arts_3590","arts_2838","arts_1420","arts_14679"],"affiliates":["arts_137"],"featImg":"arts_13925001","label":"arts_137"},"arts_13921079":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13921079","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13921079","score":null,"sort":[1667252805000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"mom-tribute-dia-de-los-muertos-filipino-food-altar-frisco-foodies","title":"A Food Altar for My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat","publishDate":1667252805,"format":"standard","headTitle":"A Food Altar for My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat | KQED","labelTerm":{},"content":"\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>Frisco Foodies is a recurring column in which a San Francisco local shares food memories of growing up in a now rapidly changing city.\u003c/em>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[dropcap]W[/dropcap]hen I lost my mom in May of 2020, two months after lockdown, I couldn’t mourn in a normal way. Instead of hugs and in-person condolences, I received pings on my Venmo account from all my cousins telling me to order takeout instead of cooking. Not that I could have. I could barely stand up in the shower. The grief was so heavy amidst the isolation of shelter in place that all I can remember was the silence — and the occasional knock on the door for a flower shop delivery or a Caviar order.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I found a Filipino restaurant in Oakland called \u003ca href=\"https://tipunan.com/\">Tipunan\u003c/a> that delivered beef rib sinigang soup with the perfect amount of tamarind sourness and crispy pork belly karé karé, with its golden, peanut butter-based sauce and side of fermented shrimp paste to cut through the fat. Of all the condolences sent, this one felt the most appropriate. After all, I had learned to taste food through my mother’s hands when she \u003ci>subu\u003c/i>’d me as a baby and, later, through the cultural sensibilities I inherited from being born in the Philippines — acquiring a palate for things like ampalaya (bitter melon) and burong mustasa (fermented mustard greens).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I grew up quite literally in the middle of the Bay on Treasure Island Naval Base, but my mother was the true bridge between two cities, two hemispheres and two cultures.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She was also the one who taught me to be a foodie. I remember how my mom would fix plates of Filipino-style spaghetti for the construction workers working on our building, and how she’d take me to Pier 39 to eat Dungeness crab and clam chowder with oyster crackers, a cacophony of sea lions nearby. I remember perusing Japantown with her after her massage appointments, sipping toasted rice tea and eating green tea ice cream at Kintetsu Mall. I remember how she brought home sugarcane from the Alemany farmers market. My sisters and I would crunch down and suck up the sweet juice before spitting out the stalk like some kid version of chewing tobacco.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921119\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1920px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island.jpg\" alt=\"A young girl with windswept hair dressed in all red; the pier and waterfront at Treasure Island is in the background.\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1440\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island.jpg 1920w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-800x600.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-160x120.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-768x576.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-1536x1152.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The author as a child at the waterfront on Treasure Island, where she grew up. \u003ccite>(Courtesy of Rocky Rivera)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The eldest of ten siblings, my mom always woke up at dawn to cook breakfast, most likely silog-style: vinegar-marinated milkfish or salted dried fish with rice and a side of fresh tomato, mango and onion. She’d go back to sleep while everyone else ate. She taught me my native language, Kapampangan, and told me that our people were the best chefs in the Philippines. She even used to brag about raising me a vegetarian — after all, we had access to canned veg-meat in our hometown years before it hit the American mainstream. (These days it would be more accurate to call us flexitarians. We Filipinos \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13914750/inay-dalisay-world-famous-lechon-vegan-filipino-play-bindlestiff\">have a hard time\u003c/a> parting with \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13915581/lechon-filipino-american-party-oriental-food-market-concord\">meat\u003c/a> entirely.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Throughout my adolescence, my mom expressed the truest love language of an Asian mother, bringing me cut cantaloupes, persimmons and mangoes to my room while I was doing my homework. “Tin … anak … mangan na ka (you eat now),” she’d say to me. It’s no wonder that Filipinos greet each other not with pleasantries, but with inquiries of whether you’ve eaten yet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For me, being a foodie always meant that I enjoyed everyone else’s cooking — my mom’s, my sister’s, my grandma’s, my Tita Lita’s — but never dared to learn or replicate. Why would I when I could just enjoy the fruits of their labor? But now that my daughter is the same age I was when my family immigrated to San Francisco, I’ve learned to cook a few signature dishes: garlic noodles, made with copious amounts of butter, and my Lolo Pepé’s catfish adobo recipe, which my mother passed down to me — with no measurements, of course. It would depend on what was in Mom’s fridge that day. It always required a tomato soft enough to thicken the sauce undetected. But sometimes it would have pepperoncini or jalapeños in it. Sometimes lemongrass. My mother cooked it whenever my partner was in town because he was pescatarian and it was his favorite dish she made.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921125\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1707px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A home altar for honoring the ancestors, covered with framed photos, decorative skulls and food offerings.\" width=\"1707\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-scaled.jpg 1707w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-1020x1529.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-1366x2048.jpg 1366w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1707px) 100vw, 1707px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The author’s home altar for honoring her ancestors. At the very top are framed photos of her mother and her father-in-law Danny. \u003ccite>(Fernando Godinez)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Mom, my Lola Luz and my Tita Lita — who passed away in January — are all gone now. It’s up to my sisters, cousins and I to keep those food memories going, if only to thread our past with our future. These days, I try to continue the Kapampangan traditions with my kids while also incorporating our Americanized palates. I inherited a white-cheddar-and-thyme corn pudding recipe from Tita Lita, who cooked like a Filipina Ina Garten on steroids. Every year, she would roast a separate display turkey to serve alongside the cut pieces of the one she’d already carved — mainly for aesthetics but also to feed our huge family.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At her memorial this past January, I made the corn pudding for the family and silently noted the differences in taste due to my use of extra large eggs and the fact that I hadn’t let the batter come to room temperature before baking. Even in death, mine couldn’t compare. I plan on perfecting it this year, and every year after, for Turkey Day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921122\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1125px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921122\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita.jpg\" alt=\"An older woman in a red apron sets up a huge spread of food for an outdoor family gathering.\" width=\"1125\" height=\"844\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita.jpg 1125w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-800x600.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-160x120.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1125px) 100vw, 1125px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Tita Lita was like a Filipino Ina Garten, known for cooking up an enormous spread of food for family gatherings. \u003ccite>(Courtesy of Rocky Rivera)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>A few months after my mom passed, during that brief moment in the pandemic when things opened up and closed just as fast, I was able to secure a tattoo appointment. In honor of my departed mom, I chose a young picture of her, along with a young San Francisco skyline — no Salesforce Tower in sight — with the Bay Bridge as a backdrop. At the bottom, in curlicued script, are the words “Frisco Queen.” The image represents a time when my mom came here to build a new life as a nurse, a choice to immigrate to this very place and make it our new home. Through every hardship, she was always there for her kids: She was the one who pulled me out of school on my birthday and took me shopping at the downtown FAO Schwartz (RIP), or at the dress shops on Mission after visits to the dentist. She was the one who handled things the first time I got stung by a bee, on the 14 Mission, slamming her thick nursing book once with a heavy thud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">[pullquote size=\"large\" align=\"right\"]“It was because of my mom that I am proud to be a first-generation immigrant daughter — that my identity, though split, could pledge no true allegiance to either side.”[/pullquote]\u003c/span>As the artist — another Frisco native, as we call ourselves — buzzed away at my right thigh, I meditated on the physical pain that felt like a conduit to what I was going through emotionally. It was cathartic. It was heartbreaking. But it was an emblem of survival for me, an homage to my mother and to the place she brought me that I now call home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For much of my life, I wished I was “Born and Raised” like my friends who were delivered at St. Luke’s (RIP) or General Hospital in the city. But it was because of my mom that I am proud to be a first-generation immigrant daughter — that my identity, though split, could pledge no true allegiance to either side, but took only the best of both worlds: the Philippines \u003ci>and\u003c/i> Frisco.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921127\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1920px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo.jpg\" alt='A thigh tattoo shows a young woman standing in front of the San Francisco skyline, with the words \"Frisco Queen\" written underneath in cursive.' width=\"1920\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo.jpg 1920w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-800x1067.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-1020x1360.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-160x213.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-768x1024.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-1152x1536.jpg 1152w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-1536x2048.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">A tattoo to honor a true “Frisco Queen.” \u003ccite>(Rocky Rivera)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>When I moved out on my own after college in the early aughts, I created an altar in my home to honor my ancestors. It was a way for me to stay spiritually connected while rejecting colonizer-imposed Catholicism. At first, it only contained my pictures of my grandfather and my Aunt Agnes, who had passed away at 33. When we moved the altar to the outside balcony, the sugar skulls were soon invaded by pests, the ceremonial chocolate from Colombia eaten and the altar toppled by roof rats. After that, I moved it back inside. Now, it’s crowded with loved ones who passed within the last five years, the most impactful being my father-in-law, my Tita Lita and, of course, my mother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">[aside postID='arts_13915581,arts_13913828']\u003c/span>I was too broken to make a food altar for my mother on Araw ng mga Patay (All Saints Day), the Filipino version of Día de los Muertos, the year she passed. I was too sad to even feed myself and instead ordered Tipunan again to comfort myself, the takeout cartons taking the place of the traditional catfish adobo she had taught me to make.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The last time she visited us in Oakland, my mother soared over the zoo in the gondola, laughing as she pointed out all the animals below she could prepare adobo-style. Toward the end of her life, as her health deteriorated, she began to only speak to me in Kapampangan. It was a gift that I was still able to understand her. Meanwhile, my Tita Lita, who famously never cooked Filipino food during the holidays, began to request it from us as she recovered from her first stroke, and again a decade later while succumbing to her next. And my father-in-law, Danny, used to order sisig for every family party after I requested it just one time, even though half of his biological children are now vegan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921129\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1707px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921129\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"Close-up of a section of a home altar, with a plate of Filipino sisig on display as an offering to the dead.\" width=\"1707\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-scaled.jpg 1707w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-1020x1529.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-1366x2048.jpg 1366w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1707px) 100vw, 1707px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The plate of sisig is an offering to the author’s father-in-law, who insisted on ordering it for family parties even after many of his children became vegan. \u003ccite>(Fernando Godinez)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The comfort of familiarity is too strong in the end, especially as we are close to death. And as immigrants and children of immigrants, our relationship to food is the strongest relationship we have to culture and lineage, because food is made and prepared with love when it is made at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This Día de los Muertos, I am returning to that food altar with my recently passed loved ones in mind. Persimmons for Mom and Tita Lita, their favorite winter fruit. A mango for my motherland (and the name of the enchi ball python we bought to celebrate \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13894648/rapper-and-activist-rocky-rivera-embraces-growth-in-her-first-book-snakeskin\">the release of my book\u003c/a> — and to keep future roof rats away). A plate of sisig for my father-in-law. A joint for my boy Dex, who just passed from cancer. And a plate of garlic noodles for the Frisco that only exists in my memories now, made with love by Yours Truly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As we eat and savor each bite with our ancestors, remembering places and names that no longer exist on this earthly plane, we say thank you for the sustenance. And the memories. This will be our first holiday without many of them, and I can only hope to be half the foodie they were.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921131\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A framed photo of an older Filipino woman in a polka dotted blouse.\" width=\"1707\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-scaled.jpg 1707w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-1020x1529.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-1366x2048.jpg 1366w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1707px) 100vw, 1707px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12904247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"39\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-160x16.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-240x23.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-375x37.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13921079/mom-tribute-dia-de-los-muertos-filipino-food-altar-frisco-foodies\">Rocky Rivera\u003c/a> is a journalist, emcee, author and activist from San Francisco. She has four musical projects out, three of those with her label Beatrock Music. She released her first book last year, entitled \u003c/em>Snakeskin: Essays by Rocky Rivera\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"She was our family's original 'foodie' — the one who built our bridge between San Francisco and the Philippines. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705006202,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":24,"wordCount":2001},"headData":{"title":"A Día de los Muertos Tribute to My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat | KQED","description":"She was our family's original 'foodie' — the one who built our bridge between San Francisco and the Philippines. ","ogTitle":"A Food Altar for My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"A Food Altar for My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","socialTitle":"A Día de los Muertos Tribute to My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat %%page%% %%sep%% KQED","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"A Food Altar for My Mom, Who Taught Me to Love to Eat","datePublished":"2022-10-31T21:46:45.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T20:50:02.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"source":"Frisco Foodies","sourceUrl":"https://www.kqed.org/food","sticky":false,"templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","articleAge":"0","path":"/arts/13921079/mom-tribute-dia-de-los-muertos-filipino-food-altar-frisco-foodies","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003cstrong>\u003cem>Frisco Foodies is a recurring column in which a San Francisco local shares food memories of growing up in a now rapidly changing city.\u003c/em>\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class=\"utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__dropcapShortcode__dropcap\">W\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>hen I lost my mom in May of 2020, two months after lockdown, I couldn’t mourn in a normal way. Instead of hugs and in-person condolences, I received pings on my Venmo account from all my cousins telling me to order takeout instead of cooking. Not that I could have. I could barely stand up in the shower. The grief was so heavy amidst the isolation of shelter in place that all I can remember was the silence — and the occasional knock on the door for a flower shop delivery or a Caviar order.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I found a Filipino restaurant in Oakland called \u003ca href=\"https://tipunan.com/\">Tipunan\u003c/a> that delivered beef rib sinigang soup with the perfect amount of tamarind sourness and crispy pork belly karé karé, with its golden, peanut butter-based sauce and side of fermented shrimp paste to cut through the fat. Of all the condolences sent, this one felt the most appropriate. After all, I had learned to taste food through my mother’s hands when she \u003ci>subu\u003c/i>’d me as a baby and, later, through the cultural sensibilities I inherited from being born in the Philippines — acquiring a palate for things like ampalaya (bitter melon) and burong mustasa (fermented mustard greens).\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I grew up quite literally in the middle of the Bay on Treasure Island Naval Base, but my mother was the true bridge between two cities, two hemispheres and two cultures.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>She was also the one who taught me to be a foodie. I remember how my mom would fix plates of Filipino-style spaghetti for the construction workers working on our building, and how she’d take me to Pier 39 to eat Dungeness crab and clam chowder with oyster crackers, a cacophony of sea lions nearby. I remember perusing Japantown with her after her massage appointments, sipping toasted rice tea and eating green tea ice cream at Kintetsu Mall. I remember how she brought home sugarcane from the Alemany farmers market. My sisters and I would crunch down and suck up the sweet juice before spitting out the stalk like some kid version of chewing tobacco.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921119\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1920px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921119\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island.jpg\" alt=\"A young girl with windswept hair dressed in all red; the pier and waterfront at Treasure Island is in the background.\" width=\"1920\" height=\"1440\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island.jpg 1920w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-800x600.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-160x120.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-768x576.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/rocky-treasure-island-1536x1152.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The author as a child at the waterfront on Treasure Island, where she grew up. \u003ccite>(Courtesy of Rocky Rivera)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The eldest of ten siblings, my mom always woke up at dawn to cook breakfast, most likely silog-style: vinegar-marinated milkfish or salted dried fish with rice and a side of fresh tomato, mango and onion. She’d go back to sleep while everyone else ate. She taught me my native language, Kapampangan, and told me that our people were the best chefs in the Philippines. She even used to brag about raising me a vegetarian — after all, we had access to canned veg-meat in our hometown years before it hit the American mainstream. (These days it would be more accurate to call us flexitarians. We Filipinos \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13914750/inay-dalisay-world-famous-lechon-vegan-filipino-play-bindlestiff\">have a hard time\u003c/a> parting with \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13915581/lechon-filipino-american-party-oriental-food-market-concord\">meat\u003c/a> entirely.)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Throughout my adolescence, my mom expressed the truest love language of an Asian mother, bringing me cut cantaloupes, persimmons and mangoes to my room while I was doing my homework. “Tin … anak … mangan na ka (you eat now),” she’d say to me. It’s no wonder that Filipinos greet each other not with pleasantries, but with inquiries of whether you’ve eaten yet.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For me, being a foodie always meant that I enjoyed everyone else’s cooking — my mom’s, my sister’s, my grandma’s, my Tita Lita’s — but never dared to learn or replicate. Why would I when I could just enjoy the fruits of their labor? But now that my daughter is the same age I was when my family immigrated to San Francisco, I’ve learned to cook a few signature dishes: garlic noodles, made with copious amounts of butter, and my Lolo Pepé’s catfish adobo recipe, which my mother passed down to me — with no measurements, of course. It would depend on what was in Mom’s fridge that day. It always required a tomato soft enough to thicken the sauce undetected. But sometimes it would have pepperoncini or jalapeños in it. Sometimes lemongrass. My mother cooked it whenever my partner was in town because he was pescatarian and it was his favorite dish she made.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921125\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1707px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921125\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A home altar for honoring the ancestors, covered with framed photos, decorative skulls and food offerings.\" width=\"1707\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-scaled.jpg 1707w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-1020x1529.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/food-altar_full-1366x2048.jpg 1366w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1707px) 100vw, 1707px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The author’s home altar for honoring her ancestors. At the very top are framed photos of her mother and her father-in-law Danny. \u003ccite>(Fernando Godinez)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Mom, my Lola Luz and my Tita Lita — who passed away in January — are all gone now. It’s up to my sisters, cousins and I to keep those food memories going, if only to thread our past with our future. These days, I try to continue the Kapampangan traditions with my kids while also incorporating our Americanized palates. I inherited a white-cheddar-and-thyme corn pudding recipe from Tita Lita, who cooked like a Filipina Ina Garten on steroids. Every year, she would roast a separate display turkey to serve alongside the cut pieces of the one she’d already carved — mainly for aesthetics but also to feed our huge family.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>At her memorial this past January, I made the corn pudding for the family and silently noted the differences in taste due to my use of extra large eggs and the fact that I hadn’t let the batter come to room temperature before baking. Even in death, mine couldn’t compare. I plan on perfecting it this year, and every year after, for Turkey Day.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921122\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1125px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921122\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita.jpg\" alt=\"An older woman in a red apron sets up a huge spread of food for an outdoor family gathering.\" width=\"1125\" height=\"844\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita.jpg 1125w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-800x600.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-1020x765.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-160x120.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Tita-Lita-768x576.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1125px) 100vw, 1125px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Tita Lita was like a Filipino Ina Garten, known for cooking up an enormous spread of food for family gatherings. \u003ccite>(Courtesy of Rocky Rivera)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>A few months after my mom passed, during that brief moment in the pandemic when things opened up and closed just as fast, I was able to secure a tattoo appointment. In honor of my departed mom, I chose a young picture of her, along with a young San Francisco skyline — no Salesforce Tower in sight — with the Bay Bridge as a backdrop. At the bottom, in curlicued script, are the words “Frisco Queen.” The image represents a time when my mom came here to build a new life as a nurse, a choice to immigrate to this very place and make it our new home. Through every hardship, she was always there for her kids: She was the one who pulled me out of school on my birthday and took me shopping at the downtown FAO Schwartz (RIP), or at the dress shops on Mission after visits to the dentist. She was the one who handled things the first time I got stung by a bee, on the 14 Mission, slamming her thick nursing book once with a heavy thud.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"“It was because of my mom that I am proud to be a first-generation immigrant daughter — that my identity, though split, could pledge no true allegiance to either side.”","name":"pullquote","attributes":{"named":{"size":"large","align":"right","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/span>As the artist — another Frisco native, as we call ourselves — buzzed away at my right thigh, I meditated on the physical pain that felt like a conduit to what I was going through emotionally. It was cathartic. It was heartbreaking. But it was an emblem of survival for me, an homage to my mother and to the place she brought me that I now call home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For much of my life, I wished I was “Born and Raised” like my friends who were delivered at St. Luke’s (RIP) or General Hospital in the city. But it was because of my mom that I am proud to be a first-generation immigrant daughter — that my identity, though split, could pledge no true allegiance to either side, but took only the best of both worlds: the Philippines \u003ci>and\u003c/i> Frisco.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921127\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1920px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921127\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo.jpg\" alt='A thigh tattoo shows a young woman standing in front of the San Francisco skyline, with the words \"Frisco Queen\" written underneath in cursive.' width=\"1920\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo.jpg 1920w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-800x1067.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-1020x1360.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-160x213.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-768x1024.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-1152x1536.jpg 1152w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Mama-Tattoo-1536x2048.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1920px) 100vw, 1920px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">A tattoo to honor a true “Frisco Queen.” \u003ccite>(Rocky Rivera)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>When I moved out on my own after college in the early aughts, I created an altar in my home to honor my ancestors. It was a way for me to stay spiritually connected while rejecting colonizer-imposed Catholicism. At first, it only contained my pictures of my grandfather and my Aunt Agnes, who had passed away at 33. When we moved the altar to the outside balcony, the sugar skulls were soon invaded by pests, the ceremonial chocolate from Colombia eaten and the altar toppled by roof rats. After that, I moved it back inside. Now, it’s crowded with loved ones who passed within the last five years, the most impactful being my father-in-law, my Tita Lita and, of course, my mother.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cspan style=\"font-weight: 400\">\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13915581,arts_13913828","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/span>I was too broken to make a food altar for my mother on Araw ng mga Patay (All Saints Day), the Filipino version of Día de los Muertos, the year she passed. I was too sad to even feed myself and instead ordered Tipunan again to comfort myself, the takeout cartons taking the place of the traditional catfish adobo she had taught me to make.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The last time she visited us in Oakland, my mother soared over the zoo in the gondola, laughing as she pointed out all the animals below she could prepare adobo-style. Toward the end of her life, as her health deteriorated, she began to only speak to me in Kapampangan. It was a gift that I was still able to understand her. Meanwhile, my Tita Lita, who famously never cooked Filipino food during the holidays, began to request it from us as she recovered from her first stroke, and again a decade later while succumbing to her next. And my father-in-law, Danny, used to order sisig for every family party after I requested it just one time, even though half of his biological children are now vegan.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13921129\" class=\"wp-caption alignnone\" style=\"max-width: 1707px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921129\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"Close-up of a section of a home altar, with a plate of Filipino sisig on display as an offering to the dead.\" width=\"1707\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-scaled.jpg 1707w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-1020x1529.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/altar-sisig-1366x2048.jpg 1366w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1707px) 100vw, 1707px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">The plate of sisig is an offering to the author’s father-in-law, who insisted on ordering it for family parties even after many of his children became vegan. \u003ccite>(Fernando Godinez)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>The comfort of familiarity is too strong in the end, especially as we are close to death. And as immigrants and children of immigrants, our relationship to food is the strongest relationship we have to culture and lineage, because food is made and prepared with love when it is made at home.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>This Día de los Muertos, I am returning to that food altar with my recently passed loved ones in mind. Persimmons for Mom and Tita Lita, their favorite winter fruit. A mango for my motherland (and the name of the enchi ball python we bought to celebrate \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13894648/rapper-and-activist-rocky-rivera-embraces-growth-in-her-first-book-snakeskin\">the release of my book\u003c/a> — and to keep future roof rats away). A plate of sisig for my father-in-law. A joint for my boy Dex, who just passed from cancer. And a plate of garlic noodles for the Frisco that only exists in my memories now, made with love by Yours Truly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As we eat and savor each bite with our ancestors, remembering places and names that no longer exist on this earthly plane, we say thank you for the sustenance. And the memories. This will be our first holiday without many of them, and I can only hope to be half the foodie they were.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13921131\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A framed photo of an older Filipino woman in a polka dotted blouse.\" width=\"1707\" height=\"2560\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-scaled.jpg 1707w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-800x1200.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-1020x1529.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-160x240.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-768x1152.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-1024x1536.jpg 1024w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/mom-altar-1366x2048.jpg 1366w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 1707px) 100vw, 1707px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12904247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"39\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-160x16.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-240x23.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-375x37.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13921079/mom-tribute-dia-de-los-muertos-filipino-food-altar-frisco-foodies\">Rocky Rivera\u003c/a> is a journalist, emcee, author and activist from San Francisco. She has four musical projects out, three of those with her label Beatrock Music. She released her first book last year, entitled \u003c/em>Snakeskin: Essays by Rocky Rivera\u003cem>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13921079/mom-tribute-dia-de-los-muertos-filipino-food-altar-frisco-foodies","authors":["11846"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_12276"],"tags":["arts_2839","arts_10342","arts_10278","arts_14183","arts_1297","arts_18971","arts_2838","arts_1143","arts_10426","arts_1146"],"featImg":"arts_13921113","label":"source_arts_13921079"},"arts_13920428":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13920428","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13920428","score":null,"sort":[1666035900000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"raymond-ray-offers-catharsis-for-the-emotionally-wounded","title":"'Raymond & Ray' Offers Catharsis For the Emotionally Wounded","publishDate":1666035900,"format":"standard","headTitle":"‘Raymond & Ray’ Offers Catharsis For the Emotionally Wounded | KQED","labelTerm":{"term":140,"site":"arts"},"content":"\u003cp>When I was in my early twenties I spent three years in a relationship with a man that I came to regard as monstrous. We happened to be married for six months of that, so when he died suddenly a decade after we had ceased all contact, I was inundated with well-meaning sympathy messages. His death had not inspired any feelings of grief in me, and I resented the expectation that it should. Instead, his demise merely dragged back up all of the resentments I felt towards him, and forced me to finally reckon with them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13919938']I wouldn’t ordinarily start a movie review with a personal anecdote — especially not one this intimate. But when it comes to evaluating \u003cem>Raymond & Ray \u003c/em>— the story of two abused brothers reuniting to deal with the burial of their vindictive father — it feels impossible not to mention. A movie about having to put on a polite, respectful face to bury someone you hate is not going to be for everyone. But I related to, and enjoyed, it immensely.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The basis of \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> remains more taboo than it should be. The film is in some ways an examination of how our culture automatically expects grief when someone dies, no matter who they were or what they did in life. Death is the point, we are told, when all should be forgiven. (Just ask Jennette McCurdy, whose autobiography, \u003ca href=\"https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Im-Glad-My-Mom-Died/Jennette-McCurdy/9781982185824\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003cem>I’m Glad My Mom Died\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, inspired ripples of shock when it was released two months ago.) The reality, of course, is infinitely more complicated — something \u003cem>Raymond and Ray\u003c/em> goes to some pains to explore.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fzW5DpoApg\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The movie does an excellent job of capturing the complexity of handling the deaths of people who have hurt but indelibly impacted our lives. As the titular characters, Ewan McGregor and Ethan Hawke both beautifully convey just how the betrayal of a loved one can wreak havoc on people in permanent ways. The way that both of them deal with that hurt — McGregor’s Raymond tries to lean into forgiveness, Hawke’s Ray embraces his anger — is appropriately messy but ultimately liberating.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Given the subject matter, it’s somewhat surprising how much levity creeps into \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em>. The humor here is dark — nowhere more so than when Raymond unpacks the cardboard box of junk that his father left to him — but it does feel consistently real. Nowhere more so than in the sheer number of other characters who offer the brothers sympathy, and obliviously sing their old man’s praises, regardless of their stony facial expressions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> is also a meditation on fathers and sons; men and boys. The issue of boyhood in particular rears up repeatedly as the characters ponder where exactly their lives went off the rails. Ray notes that he can’t picture his father as a small boy, and admits that he never had children because he “wouldn’t know what do with a kid — especially a boy.” Raymond, on meeting an unsullied younger brother that he didn’t know he had, grumbles: “That boy, he bugs me.” The brothers weren’t permitted a happy childhood, so they have skewed ideas of what boyhood should actually be or, at the very least, look like.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13920431\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13920431\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-800x537.png\" alt=\"Two women sit on a blanket beneath trees, laughing in a graveyard.\" width=\"800\" height=\"537\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-800x537.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-1020x684.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-160x107.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-768x515.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-1536x1030.png 1536w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM.png 1756w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Maribel Verdú and Sophie Okonedo as Lucia and Kiera in ‘Raymond & Ray’. \u003ccite>(Apple TV+)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>As is to be expected from a movie that leans so much into the masculine, the female characters here, though given their own layers, are only about two steps away from being tropes. Both Lucia (Maribel Verdú) and Kiera (Sophie Okonedo) are caretakers at their core, and both become romantic interests to the brothers. Thankfully, neither woman behaves as predictably as one might expect, and both Verdú and Okonedo’s engaging characterizations push past the limitations of their roles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13920031']Where \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> falls a little short is in its conclusion. How both men react at the end of their father’s funeral is infinitely more satisfying than anything that comes after. The subsequent scenes feel in some ways tacked on for the sake of a neater conclusion than is necessary. Instead of sunnying things up at the end, it would have been better to hone in a little more on the thing \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> does best. And that’s giving the audience permission to explore their own resentments loudly and unapologetically. Given my own history, I appreciated that. If you have a messy past of your own, you probably will too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-12127869\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/arts/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_-800x78.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"78\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_-768x75.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>‘Raymond & Ray’ premieres on Apple TV+ on Oct. 21st, 2022.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Ewan McGregor and Ethan Hawke's new film contrasts the complexity of grief with the simplicity of death. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705006261,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":12,"wordCount":809},"headData":{"title":"'Raymond & Ray' Offers Catharsis For the Emotionally Wounded | KQED","description":"Ewan McGregor and Ethan Hawke's new film contrasts the complexity of grief with the simplicity of death. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"'Raymond & Ray' Offers Catharsis For the Emotionally Wounded","datePublished":"2022-10-17T19:45:00.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T20:51:01.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"sticky":false,"templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","path":"/arts/13920428/raymond-ray-offers-catharsis-for-the-emotionally-wounded","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>When I was in my early twenties I spent three years in a relationship with a man that I came to regard as monstrous. We happened to be married for six months of that, so when he died suddenly a decade after we had ceased all contact, I was inundated with well-meaning sympathy messages. His death had not inspired any feelings of grief in me, and I resented the expectation that it should. Instead, his demise merely dragged back up all of the resentments I felt towards him, and forced me to finally reckon with them.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13919938","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>I wouldn’t ordinarily start a movie review with a personal anecdote — especially not one this intimate. But when it comes to evaluating \u003cem>Raymond & Ray \u003c/em>— the story of two abused brothers reuniting to deal with the burial of their vindictive father — it feels impossible not to mention. A movie about having to put on a polite, respectful face to bury someone you hate is not going to be for everyone. But I related to, and enjoyed, it immensely.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The basis of \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> remains more taboo than it should be. The film is in some ways an examination of how our culture automatically expects grief when someone dies, no matter who they were or what they did in life. Death is the point, we are told, when all should be forgiven. (Just ask Jennette McCurdy, whose autobiography, \u003ca href=\"https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Im-Glad-My-Mom-Died/Jennette-McCurdy/9781982185824\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003cem>I’m Glad My Mom Died\u003c/em>\u003c/a>, inspired ripples of shock when it was released two months ago.) The reality, of course, is infinitely more complicated — something \u003cem>Raymond and Ray\u003c/em> goes to some pains to explore.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/3fzW5DpoApg'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/3fzW5DpoApg'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>The movie does an excellent job of capturing the complexity of handling the deaths of people who have hurt but indelibly impacted our lives. As the titular characters, Ewan McGregor and Ethan Hawke both beautifully convey just how the betrayal of a loved one can wreak havoc on people in permanent ways. The way that both of them deal with that hurt — McGregor’s Raymond tries to lean into forgiveness, Hawke’s Ray embraces his anger — is appropriately messy but ultimately liberating.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Given the subject matter, it’s somewhat surprising how much levity creeps into \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em>. The humor here is dark — nowhere more so than when Raymond unpacks the cardboard box of junk that his father left to him — but it does feel consistently real. Nowhere more so than in the sheer number of other characters who offer the brothers sympathy, and obliviously sing their old man’s praises, regardless of their stony facial expressions.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> is also a meditation on fathers and sons; men and boys. The issue of boyhood in particular rears up repeatedly as the characters ponder where exactly their lives went off the rails. Ray notes that he can’t picture his father as a small boy, and admits that he never had children because he “wouldn’t know what do with a kid — especially a boy.” Raymond, on meeting an unsullied younger brother that he didn’t know he had, grumbles: “That boy, he bugs me.” The brothers weren’t permitted a happy childhood, so they have skewed ideas of what boyhood should actually be or, at the very least, look like.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13920431\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13920431\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-800x537.png\" alt=\"Two women sit on a blanket beneath trees, laughing in a graveyard.\" width=\"800\" height=\"537\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-800x537.png 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-1020x684.png 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-160x107.png 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-768x515.png 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM-1536x1030.png 1536w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/10/Screen-Shot-2022-10-14-at-4.18.51-PM.png 1756w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Maribel Verdú and Sophie Okonedo as Lucia and Kiera in ‘Raymond & Ray’. \u003ccite>(Apple TV+)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>As is to be expected from a movie that leans so much into the masculine, the female characters here, though given their own layers, are only about two steps away from being tropes. Both Lucia (Maribel Verdú) and Kiera (Sophie Okonedo) are caretakers at their core, and both become romantic interests to the brothers. Thankfully, neither woman behaves as predictably as one might expect, and both Verdú and Okonedo’s engaging characterizations push past the limitations of their roles.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13920031","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>Where \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> falls a little short is in its conclusion. How both men react at the end of their father’s funeral is infinitely more satisfying than anything that comes after. The subsequent scenes feel in some ways tacked on for the sake of a neater conclusion than is necessary. Instead of sunnying things up at the end, it would have been better to hone in a little more on the thing \u003cem>Raymond & Ray\u003c/em> does best. And that’s giving the audience permission to explore their own resentments loudly and unapologetically. Given my own history, I appreciated that. If you have a messy past of your own, you probably will too.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-medium wp-image-12127869\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/arts/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_-800x78.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"800\" height=\"78\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/09/Q.Logo_.Break_-768x75.jpg 768w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>‘Raymond & Ray’ premieres on Apple TV+ on Oct. 21st, 2022.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13920428/raymond-ray-offers-catharsis-for-the-emotionally-wounded","authors":["11242"],"programs":["arts_140"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_74","arts_75"],"tags":["arts_9222","arts_11323","arts_10278","arts_977","arts_2838"],"featImg":"arts_13920430","label":"arts_140"},"arts_13915940":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13915940","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13915940","score":null,"sort":[1657576815000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"rexx-life-raj-the-blue-hour-empire","title":"After Tremendous Loss, Rexx Life Raj Reaches for Healing on ‘The Blue Hour’","publishDate":1657576815,"format":"standard","headTitle":"After Tremendous Loss, Rexx Life Raj Reaches for Healing on ‘The Blue Hour’ | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"arts"},"content":"\u003cp>[dropcap]R[/dropcap]exx Life Raj’s sensitive storytelling has made him one of the Bay Area’s \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13869513/rexx-life-raj-father-figure-3-empire\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">brightest rap talents in recent years\u003c/a>. And throughout his discography, his parents have been spiritual anchors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“That will make your audience bigger and more in tune to you, because you got substance,” says his dad, Otis Wright, in the intro of “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPZKxZ4YIkI\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Paradise\u003c/a>” on 2017’s \u003ci>Father Figure 2: Flourish\u003c/i>, an album sprinkled with snippets of Otis’ sage advice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On Raj’s 2019 follow-up, \u003ci>Father Figure 3: Somewhere Out There\u003c/i>, his mom, Linda Wright, comes in during “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLwoPAVhUuY\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Flowers.\u003c/a>” Raj calls her up and asks her to sing a song from church, Rev. Paul Jones’ “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCLgFFJt8D4\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">I Won’t Complain\u003c/a>.” She obliges warmly with a radiant vibrato that seems to energize Raj, who then delivers some of the most animated lines on the project: “Blessings rain down on me, woo, showers / I can’t complain, I won’t complain.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It’s this on-record history of \u003ca href=\"https://www.rexxliferaj.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Rexx Life Raj\u003c/a>’s parents’ love and support that makes his new album especially heartbreaking and resonant. \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i> (out July 15 via EMPIRE) gives a glimpse into a time period when Raj faced incalculable loss: both of his parents passed away within months of each other in 2021.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://youtu.be/Q7tMq07XQ78\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[dropcap]D[/dropcap]uring the pandemic, Raj had been living with his parents in Vallejo, where they’d relocated from Berkeley when he was a teenager. In 2020, he started to notice that his mom would stumble and lose her balance on their regular walks. Eventually, she went to the hospital and was diagnosed with brain cancer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“My mom just really instilled faith in me, in any situation,” says Raj, whose real name is Faraji Wright. “And I feel like she really displayed it when she got cancer and she was sick.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Linda was rushed into radiation treatment three days after the diagnosis. As her condition worsened, Raj became the caregiver for both of his parents. Prior to getting sick, Linda took care of Otis, who had diabetes and kidney failure, and was on dialysis. She also ran their family shipping business.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Once I had to start doing it, it made me really be like, ‘Wow, she’s so strong. She has so much stuff going on,’” he says. “It was so many times that I felt like I can’t even do this anymore. And she was already doing that every day.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.instagram.com/p/CdMvVZyLH-K/\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Raj was so overwhelmed with responsibilities that he didn’t have time for any sort of emotional release. “I felt like if I broke down, everything would break down,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Music became a crucial outlet. He started jotting down notes about important moments and feelings in his phone’s notes app. When his mom dialed into his family’s weekly prayer call, Raj, who identifies as spiritual but not religious, hit record. Linda’s prayers for healing and strength, and for protection for Raj, weave together the tracks on \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i>, where Raj oscillates between hope, sadness, anger, acceptance and longing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://youtu.be/S0tmwailW_4\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“I understand the power in just telling my story and how that can help people dealing with the same thing or going through grief,” he says. “It’s something that I had to do that was on my heart. … In those moments where I questioned it, it was like my heart was telling me, ‘You’re doing the right thing.’”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tragically, Linda passed away in the spring of 2021. In the months afterward, Raj wrote most of the songs on \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i> in his parents’ old computer room—where he made some of his first songs as a teenager on the family PC. He continued to care for Otis, who passed away from his health issues later that summer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[dropcap]T[/dropcap]\u003ci>he Blue Hour\u003c/i> isn’t the first time Raj has processed loss through music. \u003ci>Father Figure 3\u003c/i> contemplated the absence of two of his closest childhood friends, one of whom was killed as a bystander in a shooting, one of whom is currently incarcerated for unrelated reasons. But caring for and then losing his parents was a more intimate experience. At times, Raj felt self-conscious about putting so much vulnerability into the music. But he stayed motivated by the idea of helping others by giving voice to their pain.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_HkZCOsXBTY\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“People [are] in my DMs who relate to just feeling grief, harboring it and not being able to express it—preparing theyself for grief, you know, because they have sick parents or grandparents,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Indeed, over three years into the pandemic, the United States is overdue for a reckoning with grief. Over a million Americans have died from COVID-19. There’s been no national day of mourning, no break from capitalism’s demands. And as millennials like Raj, who is 32 years old, get older, many in our generation are facing the realities of caring for aging and sick parents for the first time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The thing about grief is that it just stays with you,” Raj says. “So you have these people who’ve been in this constant state of grief that have been wanting to get these things off their chest. But they can’t. They don’t because they don’t want to be too heavy or they don’t want to be a Debbie Downer. I don’t want to constantly bring down the mood. So I find myself in these long, long conversations with people.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That feeling of ongoing grief is palpable on “new normal + mom,” where Raj softly sings about still feeling his mom’s spirit to the gentle thrum of an acoustic guitar. “Hands and Knees” plunges into the depths of anxiety and anger as Raj questions the loyalty of friends and family members who didn’t show up for him in this difficult period.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i>’s singles are more radio friendly, with sleek, bass-heavy production, but the pain is still audible as Raj reaches for stability and clarity on “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syNoPjCXrFc\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Balance\u003c/a>” and “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKjUothPREI\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Beauty in the Madness\u003c/a>,” featuring Wale and Fireboy DML. “Save Yourself,” with its somber take on a funky bass line with a Bay Area knock, speaks to the isolation of having no one to rely on but yourself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Raj worked on \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i>, music brought him back to friendship and community. He rented a house in Los Angeles and invited some of his closest collaborators, including P-Lo, YMTK and Ekzakt, to work with him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making music with friends was comforting, but as Raj prepares to let the \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i> into the world, he’s faced with the feeling that the people he most wants to share his success with won’t be there. “One of the biggest things that grief has taught me is that a lot of this shit that I was doing was really for validation from my parents,” he says, recalling how he’d FaceTime his mom from a tour in London or from the stage at a sold-out show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As hard as things have been, the prospect of helping others with his music has kept Raj going. “It’s easy to get caught in the hype train, like, ‘Oh, I should make a trap song, or something for TikTok, or something for the radio.’ But that’s not my purpose,” he says. “My purpose is to take these life lessons and put them into music that, in whatever way or another, helps somebody.”\u003c/p>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"The celebrated East Bay rap artist seeks to help others in pain with a new album about losing both of his parents.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705006631,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":true,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":23,"wordCount":1366},"headData":{"title":"After Tremendous Loss, Rexx Life Raj Reaches for Healing on ‘The Blue Hour’ | KQED","description":"The celebrated East Bay rap artist seeks to help others in pain with a new album about losing both of his parents.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"After Tremendous Loss, Rexx Life Raj Reaches for Healing on ‘The Blue Hour’","datePublished":"2022-07-11T22:00:15.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T20:57:11.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"sticky":false,"templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","path":"/arts/13915940/rexx-life-raj-the-blue-hour-empire","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class=\"utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__dropcapShortcode__dropcap\">R\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>exx Life Raj’s sensitive storytelling has made him one of the Bay Area’s \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13869513/rexx-life-raj-father-figure-3-empire\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">brightest rap talents in recent years\u003c/a>. And throughout his discography, his parents have been spiritual anchors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“That will make your audience bigger and more in tune to you, because you got substance,” says his dad, Otis Wright, in the intro of “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPZKxZ4YIkI\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Paradise\u003c/a>” on 2017’s \u003ci>Father Figure 2: Flourish\u003c/i>, an album sprinkled with snippets of Otis’ sage advice.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>On Raj’s 2019 follow-up, \u003ci>Father Figure 3: Somewhere Out There\u003c/i>, his mom, Linda Wright, comes in during “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLwoPAVhUuY\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Flowers.\u003c/a>” Raj calls her up and asks her to sing a song from church, Rev. Paul Jones’ “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RCLgFFJt8D4\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">I Won’t Complain\u003c/a>.” She obliges warmly with a radiant vibrato that seems to energize Raj, who then delivers some of the most animated lines on the project: “Blessings rain down on me, woo, showers / I can’t complain, I won’t complain.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>It’s this on-record history of \u003ca href=\"https://www.rexxliferaj.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Rexx Life Raj\u003c/a>’s parents’ love and support that makes his new album especially heartbreaking and resonant. \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i> (out July 15 via EMPIRE) gives a glimpse into a time period when Raj faced incalculable loss: both of his parents passed away within months of each other in 2021.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/Q7tMq07XQ78'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/Q7tMq07XQ78'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class=\"utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__dropcapShortcode__dropcap\">D\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>uring the pandemic, Raj had been living with his parents in Vallejo, where they’d relocated from Berkeley when he was a teenager. In 2020, he started to notice that his mom would stumble and lose her balance on their regular walks. Eventually, she went to the hospital and was diagnosed with brain cancer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“My mom just really instilled faith in me, in any situation,” says Raj, whose real name is Faraji Wright. “And I feel like she really displayed it when she got cancer and she was sick.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Linda was rushed into radiation treatment three days after the diagnosis. As her condition worsened, Raj became the caregiver for both of his parents. Prior to getting sick, Linda took care of Otis, who had diabetes and kidney failure, and was on dialysis. She also ran their family shipping business.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“Once I had to start doing it, it made me really be like, ‘Wow, she’s so strong. She has so much stuff going on,’” he says. “It was so many times that I felt like I can’t even do this anymore. And she was already doing that every day.”\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"instagramLink","attributes":{"named":{"instagramId":"CdMvVZyLH-K"},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>Raj was so overwhelmed with responsibilities that he didn’t have time for any sort of emotional release. “I felt like if I broke down, everything would break down,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Music became a crucial outlet. He started jotting down notes about important moments and feelings in his phone’s notes app. When his mom dialed into his family’s weekly prayer call, Raj, who identifies as spiritual but not religious, hit record. Linda’s prayers for healing and strength, and for protection for Raj, weave together the tracks on \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i>, where Raj oscillates between hope, sadness, anger, acceptance and longing.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/S0tmwailW_4'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/S0tmwailW_4'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>“I understand the power in just telling my story and how that can help people dealing with the same thing or going through grief,” he says. “It’s something that I had to do that was on my heart. … In those moments where I questioned it, it was like my heart was telling me, ‘You’re doing the right thing.’”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Tragically, Linda passed away in the spring of 2021. In the months afterward, Raj wrote most of the songs on \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i> in his parents’ old computer room—where he made some of his first songs as a teenager on the family PC. He continued to care for Otis, who passed away from his health issues later that summer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class=\"utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__dropcapShortcode__dropcap\">T\u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003ci>he Blue Hour\u003c/i> isn’t the first time Raj has processed loss through music. \u003ci>Father Figure 3\u003c/i> contemplated the absence of two of his closest childhood friends, one of whom was killed as a bystander in a shooting, one of whom is currently incarcerated for unrelated reasons. But caring for and then losing his parents was a more intimate experience. At times, Raj felt self-conscious about putting so much vulnerability into the music. But he stayed motivated by the idea of helping others by giving voice to their pain.\u003c/p>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutube'>\n \u003cspan class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__embedYoutubeInside'>\n \u003ciframe\n loading='lazy'\n class='utils-parseShortcode-shortcodes-__youtubeShortcode__youtubePlayer'\n type='text/html'\n src='//www.youtube.com/embed/_HkZCOsXBTY'\n title='//www.youtube.com/embed/_HkZCOsXBTY'\n allowfullscreen='true'\n style='border:0;'>\u003c/iframe>\n \u003c/span>\n \u003c/span>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003cp>“People [are] in my DMs who relate to just feeling grief, harboring it and not being able to express it—preparing theyself for grief, you know, because they have sick parents or grandparents,” he says.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Indeed, over three years into the pandemic, the United States is overdue for a reckoning with grief. Over a million Americans have died from COVID-19. There’s been no national day of mourning, no break from capitalism’s demands. And as millennials like Raj, who is 32 years old, get older, many in our generation are facing the realities of caring for aging and sick parents for the first time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>“The thing about grief is that it just stays with you,” Raj says. “So you have these people who’ve been in this constant state of grief that have been wanting to get these things off their chest. But they can’t. They don’t because they don’t want to be too heavy or they don’t want to be a Debbie Downer. I don’t want to constantly bring down the mood. So I find myself in these long, long conversations with people.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That feeling of ongoing grief is palpable on “new normal + mom,” where Raj softly sings about still feeling his mom’s spirit to the gentle thrum of an acoustic guitar. “Hands and Knees” plunges into the depths of anxiety and anger as Raj questions the loyalty of friends and family members who didn’t show up for him in this difficult period.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i>’s singles are more radio friendly, with sleek, bass-heavy production, but the pain is still audible as Raj reaches for stability and clarity on “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syNoPjCXrFc\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Balance\u003c/a>” and “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKjUothPREI\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Beauty in the Madness\u003c/a>,” featuring Wale and Fireboy DML. “Save Yourself,” with its somber take on a funky bass line with a Bay Area knock, speaks to the isolation of having no one to rely on but yourself.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As Raj worked on \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i>, music brought him back to friendship and community. He rented a house in Los Angeles and invited some of his closest collaborators, including P-Lo, YMTK and Ekzakt, to work with him.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Making music with friends was comforting, but as Raj prepares to let the \u003ci>The Blue Hour\u003c/i> into the world, he’s faced with the feeling that the people he most wants to share his success with won’t be there. “One of the biggest things that grief has taught me is that a lot of this shit that I was doing was really for validation from my parents,” he says, recalling how he’d FaceTime his mom from a tour in London or from the stage at a sold-out show.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>As hard as things have been, the prospect of helping others with his music has kept Raj going. “It’s easy to get caught in the hype train, like, ‘Oh, I should make a trap song, or something for TikTok, or something for the radio.’ But that’s not my purpose,” he says. “My purpose is to take these life lessons and put them into music that, in whatever way or another, helps somebody.”\u003c/p>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13915940/rexx-life-raj-the-blue-hour-empire","authors":["11387"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_69"],"tags":["arts_10342","arts_10278","arts_2838","arts_17239","arts_1983"],"featImg":"arts_13915956","label":"arts"},"arts_13913938":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13913938","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13913938","score":null,"sort":[1653516136000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"how-we-process-the-texas-shooting","title":"How We Process the Texas Shooting","publishDate":1653516136,"format":"standard","headTitle":"How We Process the Texas Shooting | KQED","labelTerm":{},"content":"\u003cp>There is no right way to grieve the violent, bloody killing of 19 elementary school children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you are a functioning human, then in the past day you’ve probably swung from shock, to sadness, to frustration and anger—and then back again. You’re not alone. Those of us at KQED Arts & Culture have been navigating the same storm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How are \u003cem>you\u003c/em> doing? If you just need a place to vent, cry, lament, or try to make sense of the senseless, \u003ca href=\"mailto:gmeline@kqed.org?subject=Processing%20the%20Texas%20Shooting\">send us an email and let us know how you’re doing\u003c/a>. We promise one of us will get back to you, human to human.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the meantime, we’ve been processing the news out of Texas, and its all-too-familiar news cycle—and finding sources of support, comfort, and determination.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Skip to:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"#resources\">Resources for Grief\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"#help\">How to Help\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1317456533.jpg\" alt=\"Sad Girl Hiding Face\" width=\"591\" height=\"591\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13913994\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1317456533.jpg 591w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1317456533-160x160.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 591px) 100vw, 591px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Shutting Down and Feeling Drained\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I have to admit, I shut down. Like, completely. I had to stop working, I took a late afternoon nap, and I had a dream that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott was in his car next to me, on the phone, rebutting demands to advance gun control legislation with facts that were patently untrue.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The dream felt real, because, well, it essentially is. Our nightmare of mass shootings is not going to stop until Capitol Hill takes action; until \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/bessbell/status/1529290355669028864\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">NRA-backed senators\u003c/a> put human life above money; until we stop hearing “cast your vote in November” and start hearing about the lawmakers that we’ve already voted for doing their job, and protecting our kids. \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I woke up from my dream and put on Archie Shepp’s “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLf8CINFnEM\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Damn If I Know\u003c/a>,” a searing cry from a jazz master who turned 85 yesterday and got the worst birthday present imaginable, 19 children, bodies mangled in the classroom, dead, dead, dead. When my daughter came home from elementary school, my job as a dad was to hug her with all the love in the world. But I am so, so tired of this, and believe me, I was almost too drained to even greet her at the door.\u003cem>—Gabe Meline, Senior Editor\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postID='arts_13909111']\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Utilizing Anger as a Productive Fuel\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I’ve written guides for \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13886630/how-to-stop-doomscrolling-and-start-using-the-internet-mindfully\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">avoiding doomscrolling\u003c/a> and practicing \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13876619/self-care-tips-to-get-you-through-the-new-coronavirus-normal\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">self-care through tragedy\u003c/a>. But after two years of COVID, and \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2022/05/24/1101050970/2022-school-shootings-so-far\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">27 school shootings in the United States this year alone\u003c/a>, I find it cruel and perverse that we repeatedly need to learn to cope with escalating, inhumane violence. I’m tired of elected officials offering thoughts and prayers or encouraging us to vote. \u003ci>Please actually do something.\u003c/i> Getting out to the ballot box isn’t enough—this situation calls for direct action, in order to make this human rights crisis impossible for those in power to ignore. It also calls for an entire examination of our political system and the powerful influence of special-interest groups like the NRA. If you’re full of pent-up rage, channel it into action. Make protest signs, call your legislators, get creative. Rage can be productive fuel for change.\u003cem>—Nastia Voynovskaya, Associate Editor\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Sharing a Shroud of Grief\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I spent last night going to a show in August Hall with a dear friend who lost her husband suddenly two years ago. She’s still in that stage of grief where it hangs on her like a dark shroud, even when she’s not talking about it. I recognize the shroud, because it took me five years to emerge from under my own after my husband died in 2013. My friend and I didn’t talk about Uvalde’s elementary school slaughter. Instead, we held each other close, told each other we loved each other, and went home early.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I went to sleep, I read the details. I looked closely at the teachers’ smiles, and the children’s faces brimming with promise. I tried to imagine the unimaginable—the agony of the parents. That first day is like an out-of-body experience. Coroners and police must be spoken to, forms must be signed, family and friends must be informed, funeral homes must be called. And then you must go back to your deafeningly silent home, and begin the process of learning to live with a metaphorical shroud where your person used to be.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Deep grief leaves you feeling cut off from everyone else. But the truth is that too many people are living under the same shroud. In 2020, 19,384 Americans were shot to death by other Americans. And 4,300 of them were children and teenagers. Picture five sold-out shows at August Hall, each populated exclusively by young people. Now picture absolutely no one coming home from any of them. That’s the reality America’s youth is currently living, year over year over year, and America’s chaperones are doing absolutely nothing about it.\u003cem>—Rae Alexandra, Staff Writer\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postID='arts_13893843']\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Demanding Immediate Legislation from Lawmakers\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I first heard the news on Slack when the victims were thought to be just two children. I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to pause work and doomscroll through the imminent Twitter storm. Before letting the news hit me, before even knowing what the news was, I scrambled to gather resources to add to the conversation. I did this almost on autopilot—this has happened many times before.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>These included archival stories we’re all too familiar with from these recurring atrocities. “\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/11790663/18-songs-we-listen-to-in-times-of-tumult\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Songs We Listen to in Times of Tumult and Distress\u003c/a>.” “\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13893843/9-helpful-things-to-know-about-grief-that-nobody-warns-you-about\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">9 Helpful Things To Know About Grief That Nobody Warns You About\u003c/a>.” Insightful, poignant resources that I hope will help others. But I haven’t yet let them help me. Personally, I’m not ready to talk about grief. I’m ready for immediate action to curb this horrific and ceaseless domestic terrorism. If those in power don’t effectuate gun reform and pull out all stops to cease the murders of children, Black families, Asian churchgoers and other innocent lives, then I never want to hear a politician lament their “thoughts and prayers” again. \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I want to \u003ca href=\"https://archive.thinkprogress.org/corporations-nra-f0d8074f2ca7/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">boycott companies who support the NRA\u003c/a>; I want to advocate against gun lobbyists, corrupt lawmakers and the military-industrial complex that promotes military-grade gun ownership and enables more lives to be taken. At a time when the imminent repeal of reproductive rights is threatening lives, and gun rights continue to take them, we need to ask what freedom truly means, and then fight for it.\u003cem>—Justin Ebrahemi, Digital Engagement Manager\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1217439400.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"724\" height=\"483\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13913993\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1217439400.jpg 724w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1217439400-160x107.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 724px) 100vw, 724px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Becoming Numb to Constant Catastrophe\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Columbine happened on my birthday. I was in school with other high school students, gossiping, passing notes in class, when out of nowhere, an assembly was called to explain what happened. There were tears everywhere, guidance counselors, teachers holding students, and parents picking up their kids early to hold them close. That was almost 25 years ago. Nothing has changed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s actually not true—massacres like this are far more common now. I have young nieces and nephews for whom a school shooting, or an open slaughter of people at grocery stores, movie theaters or even churches is not shocking. We grieve and mourn because we are helpless. We hear the same condolences and apologies from those who could prevent these killings but don’t. We compartmentalize because tragedies like this happen weekly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The most terrifying part for me is that I can have tears in my eyes for the sadness I feel, and then a few minutes later I’ll continue on as normal. I am becoming numb to the constant sense of catastrophe. You are not alone in your confusion of how to process what’s happening. You are not alone if you feel everything, and recoil in the fetal position. You are not alone if you feel nothing, and go about your day scrolling through posts and articles numb and without reaction. Simply put: you are not alone.\u003cem>—Ria Garewal, Engagement Producer\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Resolving In Our Sadness To Take Action\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I lost a son to illness nearly 30 years ago. When it’s your child, you don’t stop grieving; you grow with it. \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But when something like the Uvalde school massacre happens, when 19 young lives are erased, snuffed out, as in so many school massacres before, I cannot access my grief. And while I ache for the families, knowing, as I do, just some of what they are going through, I can only rage against a society that will not act to stop this killing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In our sadness, we must all do something. Even if in the immediate term, it’s only an email or text to your senators (or \u003ca href=\"https://www.270towin.com/elected-officials/contact-us-senators\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">all 50 senators\u003c/a>) demanding a vote on legislation stalled in the Senate requiring background checks for gun purchases. Let them know you won’t be numbed into submission. And that we will not abandon our children to gun violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, if you haven’t already, open your arms wide to your grief.\u003cem>—David Markus, Executive in Charge\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"39\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12904247\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-160x16.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-240x23.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-375x37.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003ca id=\"resources\">\u003c/a>Resources for Grief and Trauma\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/news/11764070/how-to-talk-with-kids-after-a-traumatic-event\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">How to Talk With Kids After a Traumatic Event\u003c/a> (KQED)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/11/749765103/from-pain-to-purpose-5-ways-to-cope-in-the-wake-of-trauma\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">From Pain to Purpose: 5 Ways to Cope in the Wake of Trauma\u003c/a> (NPR)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59143/war-crisis-tragedy-how-to-talk-with-kids-when-the-news-is-scary\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">War, Crisis, Tragedy: How to Talk With Kids When the News is Scary\u003c/a> (MindShift)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13881725/where-to-find-affordable-culturally-competent-therapy-in-bay-area-and-beyond\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Where to Find Affordable, Culturally Competent Therapy in the Bay Area\u003c/a> (KQED)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pNvBomQazaRMif9sharZoypE_85NXleP/view\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">A Watch Guide for \u003cem>When the Waters Get Deep\u003c/em>\u003c/a> (KQED) \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sd6DH16H9eo\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">KQED’s Brian Watt Talks With Warriors Coach Steve Kerr About Preventing Gun Violence\u003c/a> (Commonwealth Club)\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003ca id=\"help\">\u003c/a>How to Help\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/donate-to-texas-elementary-school-shooting-relief\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Donate to Texas Elementary School Shooting Relief\u003c/a> (GoFundMe)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://lulac.org/uvaldefund/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Fund for Families of Victims and Survivors of the Uvalde School Shooting\u003c/a> (League of United Latin American Citizens)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ucisd.net/site/default.aspx?PageType=3&DomainID=4&ModuleInstanceID=1167&ViewID=6446EE88-D30C-497E-9316-3F8874B3E108&RenderLoc=0&FlexDataID=13134&PageID=1\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Uvalde School District Fund for Families\u003c/a> (USD)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"In the past day, you’ve probably swung from shock, to sadness, to frustration and anger. You're not alone.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705006803,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":38,"wordCount":1681},"headData":{"title":"How We Process the Texas Shooting | KQED","description":"In the past day, you’ve probably swung from shock, to sadness, to frustration and anger. You're not alone.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"How We Process the Texas Shooting","datePublished":"2022-05-25T22:02:16.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T21:00:03.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"source":"Commentary ","sourceUrl":"https://www.kqed.org/artscommentary","sticky":false,"nprByline":"KQED Arts & Culture Staff","templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","path":"/arts/13913938/how-we-process-the-texas-shooting","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>There is no right way to grieve the violent, bloody killing of 19 elementary school children.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>If you are a functioning human, then in the past day you’ve probably swung from shock, to sadness, to frustration and anger—and then back again. You’re not alone. Those of us at KQED Arts & Culture have been navigating the same storm.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>How are \u003cem>you\u003c/em> doing? If you just need a place to vent, cry, lament, or try to make sense of the senseless, \u003ca href=\"mailto:gmeline@kqed.org?subject=Processing%20the%20Texas%20Shooting\">send us an email and let us know how you’re doing\u003c/a>. We promise one of us will get back to you, human to human.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the meantime, we’ve been processing the news out of Texas, and its all-too-familiar news cycle—and finding sources of support, comfort, and determination.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Skip to:\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cul>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"#resources\">Resources for Grief\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/li>\n\u003cli>\u003cstrong>\u003ca href=\"#help\">How to Help\u003c/a>\u003c/strong>\u003c/li>\n\u003c/ul>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1317456533.jpg\" alt=\"Sad Girl Hiding Face\" width=\"591\" height=\"591\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13913994\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1317456533.jpg 591w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1317456533-160x160.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 591px) 100vw, 591px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Shutting Down and Feeling Drained\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I have to admit, I shut down. Like, completely. I had to stop working, I took a late afternoon nap, and I had a dream that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott was in his car next to me, on the phone, rebutting demands to advance gun control legislation with facts that were patently untrue.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The dream felt real, because, well, it essentially is. Our nightmare of mass shootings is not going to stop until Capitol Hill takes action; until \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/bessbell/status/1529290355669028864\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">NRA-backed senators\u003c/a> put human life above money; until we stop hearing “cast your vote in November” and start hearing about the lawmakers that we’ve already voted for doing their job, and protecting our kids. \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I woke up from my dream and put on Archie Shepp’s “\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLf8CINFnEM\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Damn If I Know\u003c/a>,” a searing cry from a jazz master who turned 85 yesterday and got the worst birthday present imaginable, 19 children, bodies mangled in the classroom, dead, dead, dead. When my daughter came home from elementary school, my job as a dad was to hug her with all the love in the world. But I am so, so tired of this, and believe me, I was almost too drained to even greet her at the door.\u003cem>—Gabe Meline, Senior Editor\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13909111","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Utilizing Anger as a Productive Fuel\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I’ve written guides for \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13886630/how-to-stop-doomscrolling-and-start-using-the-internet-mindfully\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">avoiding doomscrolling\u003c/a> and practicing \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13876619/self-care-tips-to-get-you-through-the-new-coronavirus-normal\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">self-care through tragedy\u003c/a>. But after two years of COVID, and \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/2022/05/24/1101050970/2022-school-shootings-so-far\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">27 school shootings in the United States this year alone\u003c/a>, I find it cruel and perverse that we repeatedly need to learn to cope with escalating, inhumane violence. I’m tired of elected officials offering thoughts and prayers or encouraging us to vote. \u003ci>Please actually do something.\u003c/i> Getting out to the ballot box isn’t enough—this situation calls for direct action, in order to make this human rights crisis impossible for those in power to ignore. It also calls for an entire examination of our political system and the powerful influence of special-interest groups like the NRA. If you’re full of pent-up rage, channel it into action. Make protest signs, call your legislators, get creative. Rage can be productive fuel for change.\u003cem>—Nastia Voynovskaya, Associate Editor\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Sharing a Shroud of Grief\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I spent last night going to a show in August Hall with a dear friend who lost her husband suddenly two years ago. She’s still in that stage of grief where it hangs on her like a dark shroud, even when she’s not talking about it. I recognize the shroud, because it took me five years to emerge from under my own after my husband died in 2013. My friend and I didn’t talk about Uvalde’s elementary school slaughter. Instead, we held each other close, told each other we loved each other, and went home early.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Before I went to sleep, I read the details. I looked closely at the teachers’ smiles, and the children’s faces brimming with promise. I tried to imagine the unimaginable—the agony of the parents. That first day is like an out-of-body experience. Coroners and police must be spoken to, forms must be signed, family and friends must be informed, funeral homes must be called. And then you must go back to your deafeningly silent home, and begin the process of learning to live with a metaphorical shroud where your person used to be.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Deep grief leaves you feeling cut off from everyone else. But the truth is that too many people are living under the same shroud. In 2020, 19,384 Americans were shot to death by other Americans. And 4,300 of them were children and teenagers. Picture five sold-out shows at August Hall, each populated exclusively by young people. Now picture absolutely no one coming home from any of them. That’s the reality America’s youth is currently living, year over year over year, and America’s chaperones are doing absolutely nothing about it.\u003cem>—Rae Alexandra, Staff Writer\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13893843","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Demanding Immediate Legislation from Lawmakers\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I first heard the news on Slack when the victims were thought to be just two children. I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to pause work and doomscroll through the imminent Twitter storm. Before letting the news hit me, before even knowing what the news was, I scrambled to gather resources to add to the conversation. I did this almost on autopilot—this has happened many times before.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>These included archival stories we’re all too familiar with from these recurring atrocities. “\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/11790663/18-songs-we-listen-to-in-times-of-tumult\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Songs We Listen to in Times of Tumult and Distress\u003c/a>.” “\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13893843/9-helpful-things-to-know-about-grief-that-nobody-warns-you-about\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">9 Helpful Things To Know About Grief That Nobody Warns You About\u003c/a>.” Insightful, poignant resources that I hope will help others. But I haven’t yet let them help me. Personally, I’m not ready to talk about grief. I’m ready for immediate action to curb this horrific and ceaseless domestic terrorism. If those in power don’t effectuate gun reform and pull out all stops to cease the murders of children, Black families, Asian churchgoers and other innocent lives, then I never want to hear a politician lament their “thoughts and prayers” again. \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I want to \u003ca href=\"https://archive.thinkprogress.org/corporations-nra-f0d8074f2ca7/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">boycott companies who support the NRA\u003c/a>; I want to advocate against gun lobbyists, corrupt lawmakers and the military-industrial complex that promotes military-grade gun ownership and enables more lives to be taken. At a time when the imminent repeal of reproductive rights is threatening lives, and gun rights continue to take them, we need to ask what freedom truly means, and then fight for it.\u003cem>—Justin Ebrahemi, Digital Engagement Manager\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1217439400.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"724\" height=\"483\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-13913993\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1217439400.jpg 724w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/05/iStock-1217439400-160x107.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 724px) 100vw, 724px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Becoming Numb to Constant Catastrophe\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>Columbine happened on my birthday. I was in school with other high school students, gossiping, passing notes in class, when out of nowhere, an assembly was called to explain what happened. There were tears everywhere, guidance counselors, teachers holding students, and parents picking up their kids early to hold them close. That was almost 25 years ago. Nothing has changed.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>That’s actually not true—massacres like this are far more common now. I have young nieces and nephews for whom a school shooting, or an open slaughter of people at grocery stores, movie theaters or even churches is not shocking. We grieve and mourn because we are helpless. We hear the same condolences and apologies from those who could prevent these killings but don’t. We compartmentalize because tragedies like this happen weekly.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>The most terrifying part for me is that I can have tears in my eyes for the sadness I feel, and then a few minutes later I’ll continue on as normal. I am becoming numb to the constant sense of catastrophe. You are not alone in your confusion of how to process what’s happening. You are not alone if you feel everything, and recoil in the fetal position. You are not alone if you feel nothing, and go about your day scrolling through posts and articles numb and without reaction. Simply put: you are not alone.\u003cem>—Ria Garewal, Engagement Producer\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch3>Resolving In Our Sadness To Take Action\u003c/h3>\n\u003cp>I lost a son to illness nearly 30 years ago. When it’s your child, you don’t stop grieving; you grow with it. \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>But when something like the Uvalde school massacre happens, when 19 young lives are erased, snuffed out, as in so many school massacres before, I cannot access my grief. And while I ache for the families, knowing, as I do, just some of what they are going through, I can only rage against a society that will not act to stop this killing.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In our sadness, we must all do something. Even if in the immediate term, it’s only an email or text to your senators (or \u003ca href=\"https://www.270towin.com/elected-officials/contact-us-senators\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">all 50 senators\u003c/a>) demanding a vote on legislation stalled in the Senate requiring background checks for gun purchases. Let them know you won’t be numbed into submission. And that we will not abandon our children to gun violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Then, if you haven’t already, open your arms wide to your grief.\u003cem>—David Markus, Executive in Charge\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"39\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12904247\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-160x16.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-240x23.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-375x37.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\">\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003ca id=\"resources\">\u003c/a>Resources for Grief and Trauma\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/news/11764070/how-to-talk-with-kids-after-a-traumatic-event\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">How to Talk With Kids After a Traumatic Event\u003c/a> (KQED)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/08/11/749765103/from-pain-to-purpose-5-ways-to-cope-in-the-wake-of-trauma\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">From Pain to Purpose: 5 Ways to Cope in the Wake of Trauma\u003c/a> (NPR)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/59143/war-crisis-tragedy-how-to-talk-with-kids-when-the-news-is-scary\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">War, Crisis, Tragedy: How to Talk With Kids When the News is Scary\u003c/a> (MindShift)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13881725/where-to-find-affordable-culturally-competent-therapy-in-bay-area-and-beyond\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Where to Find Affordable, Culturally Competent Therapy in the Bay Area\u003c/a> (KQED)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pNvBomQazaRMif9sharZoypE_85NXleP/view\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">A Watch Guide for \u003cem>When the Waters Get Deep\u003c/em>\u003c/a> (KQED) \u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sd6DH16H9eo\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">KQED’s Brian Watt Talks With Warriors Coach Steve Kerr About Preventing Gun Violence\u003c/a> (Commonwealth Club)\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>\u003ca id=\"help\">\u003c/a>How to Help\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.gofundme.com/c/act/donate-to-texas-elementary-school-shooting-relief\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Donate to Texas Elementary School Shooting Relief\u003c/a> (GoFundMe)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://lulac.org/uvaldefund/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Fund for Families of Victims and Survivors of the Uvalde School Shooting\u003c/a> (League of United Latin American Citizens)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ca href=\"https://www.ucisd.net/site/default.aspx?PageType=3&DomainID=4&ModuleInstanceID=1167&ViewID=6446EE88-D30C-497E-9316-3F8874B3E108&RenderLoc=0&FlexDataID=13134&PageID=1\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" target=\"_blank\">Uvalde School District Fund for Families\u003c/a> (USD)\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13913938/how-we-process-the-texas-shooting","authors":["byline_arts_13913938"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_2303"],"tags":["arts_14452","arts_2767","arts_10278","arts_2838","arts_3080","arts_3081","arts_17620","arts_17627","arts_9581","arts_17628"],"featImg":"arts_13913969","label":"source_arts_13913938"},"arts_13911973":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13911973","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13911973","score":null,"sort":[1650286809000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"kevin-madrigal-galindo-bittersweet-national-poetry-month","title":"Kevin Madrigal Galindo, 'Bittersweet'","publishDate":1650286809,"format":"aside","headTitle":"Kevin Madrigal Galindo, ‘Bittersweet’ | KQED","labelTerm":{},"content":"\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13912010\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13912010\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-800x800.jpg\" alt=\"Kevin Madrigal wears a blue and white collared shirt as he looks into the camera for a portrait photo.\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-800x800.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-160x160.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-768x768.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_.jpg 1322w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" />\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Kevin Madrigal. \u003ccite>(Syd Yatco)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Editor’s Note\u003c/strong>: Welcome to \u003ca href=\"https://poets.org/national-poetry-month\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">National Poetry Month\u003c/a>. Twice each week in April, KQED Arts & Culture will present a poem by a Bay Area poet. This \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/tag/poetry\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">series\u003c/a> is curated by \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/podcasts/rightnowish\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Rightnowish\u003c/a>\u003c/em> host \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/author/ogpenn\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Pendarvis Harshaw\u003c/a>, who also speaks with each poet about their work. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>‘Bittersweet’ by Kevin Madrigal Galindo\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Losing my sense of smell made me realize all food tastes the same and what are we at the end of the day if not the stories & memories associated with scents of the past.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>What I mean to say is COVID made me inhuman & contagious and I have never wanted to dissociate my mind from my body more than the sore throat, body aches, and isolation I was rewarded with for being reckless.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The first person to call and check in was my primo Luis in Guadalajara, whose father died from COVID and I can’t help but notice that he sounds more like my memory of his father. I wonder if it’s intentional, regardless I have COVID but won’t die from it, most likely.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The weird thing about losing your sense of smell is that complex flavors like aged triple cream cheese condense to salty and my favorite apple, the pink lady, loses its tartness and becomes only sweet.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Like 80% dark chocolate, there’s a bitter truth about living through hardships your loved ones couldn’t survive but right now that truth only tastes sweet.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13912009\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 600px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13912009\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/Kevin-Madrigal-TBT.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"750\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/Kevin-Madrigal-TBT.jpg 600w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/Kevin-Madrigal-TBT-160x200.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" />\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">A throwback photo of Kevin Madrigal. \u003ccite>(Kelsey Krach)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pendarvis Harshaw: What specific experience inspired this piece?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kevin Madrigal Galindo: I caught COVID in October of 2021 while living at home with my parents (I’m vaccinated, they are too, and we are all okay, thankfully). I’ve been working as a chef & nutrition educator in some capacity for the past nine years, so when I came down with symptoms and ended up losing my sense of smell, it really messed with me. A year before, in September of 2020, my tío Jose died from COVID. I had started off 2020 living with him and his family in Guadalajara, until I eventually returned home after news of the pandemic. I wrote this piece while I was in isolation, just eating food because I had to. I couldn’t help but think about my tío, the stark differences of our COVID experiences, and the family he left behind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Personally, I struggled with finding the language and energy to express my own experience with COVID. How did you manage to do so, and how did it feel to get it off your chest?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since I began writing, poetry has served both as an outlet for expression and a sort of personal therapeutic practice. I felt like I had to write about what I was feeling in order to really process what was going on. When I do sit with this piece, though, I always feel a sense of guilt, connected with all the people that I know (even just within my own family) that have died from COVID. I don’t know if that guilt will ever go away, but I think it’s necessary to carry it along with the memories of my ancestors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Why do you write?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I think Josiah Luis Alderete said it best: “Black and brown poets, we’re historians. Art for a lot of us is about survival. Survival is history, memoria.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12904247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"39\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-160x16.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-240x23.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-375x37.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" />\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Keep up with Kevin Madrigal’s activities \u003ca href=\"https://linktr.ee/kmadirl\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">here\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/kmadrigal/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">on Instagram\u003c/a>; his debut chapbook ‘Hell/a Mexican’ can be found at \u003ca href=\"https://medicinefornightmares.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Medicine for Nightmares\u003c/a> in San Francisco, or online at \u003ca href=\"https://www.nomadicpress.org/store/p/hellamexican\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Nomadic Press\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Kevin Madrigal's poem was inspired by getting COVID—and the family it took from him. Read it here for National Poetry Month. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705006969,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":14,"wordCount":617},"headData":{"title":"National Poetry Month: Kevin Madrigal, 'Bittersweet' | KQED","description":"Kevin Madrigal's poem was inspired by getting COVID—and the family it took from him. Read it here.","ogTitle":"National Poetry Month: Kevin Madrigal, 'Bittersweet'","ogDescription":"Kevin Madrigal's poem was inspired by getting COVID—and the family it took from him. Read it here.","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"National Poetry Month: Kevin Madrigal, 'Bittersweet'","twDescription":"Kevin Madrigal's poem was inspired by getting COVID—and the family it took from him. Read it here.","twImgId":"","socialTitle":"National Poetry Month: Kevin Madrigal, 'Bittersweet' %%page%% %%sep%% KQED","socialDescription":"Kevin Madrigal's poem was inspired by getting COVID—and the family it took from him. Read it here.","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"Kevin Madrigal Galindo, 'Bittersweet'","datePublished":"2022-04-18T13:00:09.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T21:02:49.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"source":"National Poetry Month ","sourceUrl":"https://www.kqed.org/arts/tag/poetry","sticky":false,"WpOldSlug":"kevin-madrigal-galindo-bittersweet","nprByline":"Kevin Madrigal and Pendarvis Harshaw","templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"Yes","articleAge":"0","path":"/arts/13911973/kevin-madrigal-galindo-bittersweet-national-poetry-month","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13912010\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13912010\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-800x800.jpg\" alt=\"Kevin Madrigal wears a blue and white collared shirt as he looks into the camera for a portrait photo.\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-800x800.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-1020x1020.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-160x160.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_-768x768.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/KevinMadrigal.MAIN_.jpg 1322w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\" />\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Kevin Madrigal. \u003ccite>(Syd Yatco)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>\u003cstrong>Editor’s Note\u003c/strong>: Welcome to \u003ca href=\"https://poets.org/national-poetry-month\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">National Poetry Month\u003c/a>. Twice each week in April, KQED Arts & Culture will present a poem by a Bay Area poet. This \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/tag/poetry\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">series\u003c/a> is curated by \u003cem>\u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/podcasts/rightnowish\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Rightnowish\u003c/a>\u003c/em> host \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/author/ogpenn\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Pendarvis Harshaw\u003c/a>, who also speaks with each poet about their work. \u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003ch2>‘Bittersweet’ by Kevin Madrigal Galindo\u003c/h2>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Losing my sense of smell made me realize all food tastes the same and what are we at the end of the day if not the stories & memories associated with scents of the past.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>What I mean to say is COVID made me inhuman & contagious and I have never wanted to dissociate my mind from my body more than the sore throat, body aches, and isolation I was rewarded with for being reckless.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The first person to call and check in was my primo Luis in Guadalajara, whose father died from COVID and I can’t help but notice that he sounds more like my memory of his father. I wonder if it’s intentional, regardless I have COVID but won’t die from it, most likely.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>The weird thing about losing your sense of smell is that complex flavors like aged triple cream cheese condense to salty and my favorite apple, the pink lady, loses its tartness and becomes only sweet.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Like 80% dark chocolate, there’s a bitter truth about living through hardships your loved ones couldn’t survive but right now that truth only tastes sweet.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13912009\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 600px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-full wp-image-13912009\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/Kevin-Madrigal-TBT.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"600\" height=\"750\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/Kevin-Madrigal-TBT.jpg 600w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/04/Kevin-Madrigal-TBT-160x200.jpg 160w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" />\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">A throwback photo of Kevin Madrigal. \u003ccite>(Kelsey Krach)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Pendarvis Harshaw: What specific experience inspired this piece?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Kevin Madrigal Galindo: I caught COVID in October of 2021 while living at home with my parents (I’m vaccinated, they are too, and we are all okay, thankfully). I’ve been working as a chef & nutrition educator in some capacity for the past nine years, so when I came down with symptoms and ended up losing my sense of smell, it really messed with me. A year before, in September of 2020, my tío Jose died from COVID. I had started off 2020 living with him and his family in Guadalajara, until I eventually returned home after news of the pandemic. I wrote this piece while I was in isolation, just eating food because I had to. I couldn’t help but think about my tío, the stark differences of our COVID experiences, and the family he left behind.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Personally, I struggled with finding the language and energy to express my own experience with COVID. How did you manage to do so, and how did it feel to get it off your chest?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Since I began writing, poetry has served both as an outlet for expression and a sort of personal therapeutic practice. I felt like I had to write about what I was feeling in order to really process what was going on. When I do sit with this piece, though, I always feel a sense of guilt, connected with all the people that I know (even just within my own family) that have died from COVID. I don’t know if that guilt will ever go away, but I think it’s necessary to carry it along with the memories of my ancestors.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cstrong>Why do you write?\u003c/strong>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>I think Josiah Luis Alderete said it best: “Black and brown poets, we’re historians. Art for a lot of us is about survival. Survival is history, memoria.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-12904247\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"400\" height=\"39\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39.jpg 400w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-160x16.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-240x23.jpg 240w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2017/03/Q.Logo_.Break_-400x39-375x37.jpg 375w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 400px) 100vw, 400px\" />\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Keep up with Kevin Madrigal’s activities \u003ca href=\"https://linktr.ee/kmadirl\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">here\u003c/a> or \u003ca href=\"https://www.instagram.com/kmadrigal/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">on Instagram\u003c/a>; his debut chapbook ‘Hell/a Mexican’ can be found at \u003ca href=\"https://medicinefornightmares.com/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Medicine for Nightmares\u003c/a> in San Francisco, or online at \u003ca href=\"https://www.nomadicpress.org/store/p/hellamexican\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Nomadic Press\u003c/a>.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13911973/kevin-madrigal-galindo-bittersweet-national-poetry-month","authors":["byline_arts_13911973"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_73","arts_835","arts_1564"],"tags":["arts_10126","arts_11014","arts_654","arts_10278","arts_2838","arts_17239","arts_13982","arts_1496"],"featImg":"arts_13912011","label":"source_arts_13911973"},"arts_13909111":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13909111","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13909111","score":null,"sort":[1644361977000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"when-the-waters-get-deep-trailer-sol-development-oakland","title":"These Oakland Artists Transformed their Greatest Pain into Purpose","publishDate":1644361977,"format":"video","headTitle":"These Oakland Artists Transformed their Greatest Pain into Purpose | KQED","labelTerm":{"site":"arts"},"content":"\u003cp>As an artist and educator, Karega Bailey maintained a message of peace, hope and liberation. But after he lost his brother to gun violence in 2014, his grief tested him; he felt sick with revenge and hopelessness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turning to his faith, family and writing, \u003ca href=\"https://www.solandlove.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Bailey\u003c/a>, who is the MC of \u003ca href=\"https://soldevelopment.bandcamp.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">SOL Development\u003c/a>, an Oakland-based hip-hop, jazz and soul ensemble, eventually found his voice and purpose again. Crucial to that journey was connecting with \u003ca href=\"https://be-imaginative.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">BE-IMAGINATIVE\u003c/a>, a collective dedicated to healing Black and brown communities through storytelling. In healing circles and musical experiences, Bailey and SOL Development channeled their grief and love into tangible support for mothers whose children have been taken by gun violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bailey’s story is at the center \u003ca href=\"https://www.whenthewatersgetdeep.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003ci>When the Waters Get Deep\u003c/i>\u003c/a>, an award-winning short documentary that premieres on the \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS7Oxr5knNkZ8SlryFZnq0g\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">KQED Arts YouTube channel\u003c/a>, Thursday, Feb. 10 at 6pm PST. But the 36-minute documentary is also the story of \u003ca href=\"https://www.solaurenmusic.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Lauren Adams\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.mothermag.com/sol-affirmations-felicia-gangloff-bailey/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Felicia Gangloff-Bailey\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13896788/a-new-kind-of-mothers-day\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Brittany Tanner\u003c/a>—the members of SOL Development— and members of BE-IMAGINATIVE, as they embody a new vision for how art and music can reflect a community’s pain and work to heal its traumas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13909116\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13909116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-800x450.jpg\" alt=\"Karega, sitting on floor, holds a family photo to the camera, as his parents sit on a couch behind him. \" width=\"800\" height=\"450\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-800x450.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-160x90.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-768x432.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Karega Bailey, sitting with parents Sharon Bailey and Calbert “Sonny” Johnson, shares a photograph of his brother, Kareem Johnson. \u003ccite>(Elie M. Khadra )\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>“I no longer could withhold the observation of living the Black experience,” says Bailey in a scene from the documentary. “We understand the helicopters. We understand police brutality. But we also understand our light within, and what our response can be to these circumstances.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>When the Waters Get Deep \u003c/i>won Best Short Documentary at the Oakland International Film Festival in 2020, and at the 2021 National Black Film Festival. The YouTube premiere will also include a new epilogue, and a live moderated chat with members of SOL Development, BE-IMAGINATIVE, and the filmmaking team.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"A KQED documentary shows SOL Development's work to heal traumas in their families and communities.","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705007226,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":7,"wordCount":327},"headData":{"title":"These Oakland Artists Transformed their Greatest Pain into Purpose | KQED","description":"A KQED documentary shows SOL Development's work to heal traumas in their families and communities.","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"These Oakland Artists Transformed their Greatest Pain into Purpose","datePublished":"2022-02-08T23:12:57.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T21:07:06.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"videoEmbed":"https://youtu.be/XdY7nnyHE8Y","sticky":false,"templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","excludeFromSiteSearch":"Include","showOnAuthorArchivePages":"No","path":"/arts/13909111/when-the-waters-get-deep-trailer-sol-development-oakland","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>As an artist and educator, Karega Bailey maintained a message of peace, hope and liberation. But after he lost his brother to gun violence in 2014, his grief tested him; he felt sick with revenge and hopelessness.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Turning to his faith, family and writing, \u003ca href=\"https://www.solandlove.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Bailey\u003c/a>, who is the MC of \u003ca href=\"https://soldevelopment.bandcamp.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">SOL Development\u003c/a>, an Oakland-based hip-hop, jazz and soul ensemble, eventually found his voice and purpose again. Crucial to that journey was connecting with \u003ca href=\"https://be-imaginative.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">BE-IMAGINATIVE\u003c/a>, a collective dedicated to healing Black and brown communities through storytelling. In healing circles and musical experiences, Bailey and SOL Development channeled their grief and love into tangible support for mothers whose children have been taken by gun violence.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Bailey’s story is at the center \u003ca href=\"https://www.whenthewatersgetdeep.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">\u003ci>When the Waters Get Deep\u003c/i>\u003c/a>, an award-winning short documentary that premieres on the \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS7Oxr5knNkZ8SlryFZnq0g\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">KQED Arts YouTube channel\u003c/a>, Thursday, Feb. 10 at 6pm PST. But the 36-minute documentary is also the story of \u003ca href=\"https://www.solaurenmusic.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Lauren Adams\u003c/a>, \u003ca href=\"https://www.mothermag.com/sol-affirmations-felicia-gangloff-bailey/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Felicia Gangloff-Bailey\u003c/a> and \u003ca href=\"https://www.kqed.org/arts/13896788/a-new-kind-of-mothers-day\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Brittany Tanner\u003c/a>—the members of SOL Development— and members of BE-IMAGINATIVE, as they embody a new vision for how art and music can reflect a community’s pain and work to heal its traumas.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13909116\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13909116\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-800x450.jpg\" alt=\"Karega, sitting on floor, holds a family photo to the camera, as his parents sit on a couch behind him. \" width=\"800\" height=\"450\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-800x450.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-1020x574.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-160x90.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-768x432.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2022/02/WWGD_Stills_5.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">Karega Bailey, sitting with parents Sharon Bailey and Calbert “Sonny” Johnson, shares a photograph of his brother, Kareem Johnson. \u003ccite>(Elie M. Khadra )\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>“I no longer could withhold the observation of living the Black experience,” says Bailey in a scene from the documentary. “We understand the helicopters. We understand police brutality. But we also understand our light within, and what our response can be to these circumstances.”\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003ci>When the Waters Get Deep \u003c/i>won Best Short Documentary at the Oakland International Film Festival in 2020, and at the 2021 National Black Film Festival. The YouTube premiere will also include a new epilogue, and a live moderated chat with members of SOL Development, BE-IMAGINATIVE, and the filmmaking team.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13909111/when-the-waters-get-deep-trailer-sol-development-oakland","authors":["3248"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_69","arts_70"],"tags":["arts_11374","arts_13672","arts_10278","arts_977","arts_2838","arts_3081","arts_831","arts_5265","arts_4502"],"featImg":"arts_13909115","label":"arts"},"arts_13897017":{"type":"posts","id":"arts_13897017","meta":{"index":"posts_1591205157","site":"arts","id":"13897017","score":null,"sort":[1620759263000]},"guestAuthors":[],"slug":"notes-on-grief-makes-visceral-the-experience-of-death-and-grieving","title":"'Notes on Grief' Makes Visceral the Experience of Death and Grieving","publishDate":1620759263,"format":"standard","headTitle":"‘Notes on Grief’ Makes Visceral the Experience of Death and Grieving | KQED","labelTerm":{"term":137,"site":"arts"},"content":"\u003cp>The lament, a lyrical outpouring of sorrow, is one of the oldest and most universal art forms, with \u003cem>The Lament for Sumer and Ur \u003c/em>dating back 4,000 years to ancient Sumer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across time and cultures, the lament has been seen in \u003cem>The Illiad \u003c/em>and \u003cem>t\u003c/em>he Hindu \u003cem>Vedas,\u003c/em> \u003cem>Beowulf\u003c/em> and the \u003cem>Christian Bible. \u003c/em>It has been seen in the operas of Monteverdi and Purcell, the music of Mozart and Rossini. The lament permeates the piobaireachd music of Scotland. And for millenia, the lament has characterized African mourning traditions, from the Bantu in the East to the Igbo in the West.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s \u003cem>Notes on Grief, \u003c/em>the lament composed to honor and process the death of her father during the early days of the global COVID-19 pandemic, one of our century’s most gifted artists of language makes visceral the experience of death and grieving. In poetic bursts of imagistic prose that mirror the fracturing of self after the death of a beloved parent, Adichie constructs a narrative of mourning—of haunting and of love.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13897018\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13897018\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-800x1156.jpg\" alt=\"'Notes On Grief,' by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.\" width=\"800\" height=\"1156\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-800x1156.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-1020x1474.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-160x231.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-768x1110.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-1063x1536.jpg 1063w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-1417x2048.jpg 1417w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a.jpg 1495w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">‘Notes On Grief,’ by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. \u003ccite>(Knopf)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Adichie begins with her understanding of how grief is a raw physical thing, as uncontrollable as the urge to expel bile when sick, as the need to push during childbirth. Perhaps this is because grief is not a choice—nor is the depth of grief one feels. It is all consuming; it overtakes one like the pounding of the monsoon during the rainy season and all one can do is hold on and hope not to be swept underneath by the intensity of its force. Writes Adichie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>“My four year old daughter says I scared her. She got down on her knees to demonstrate, her small clenched fist rising and falling, and her mimicry makes me see myself as I was: utterly unraveling, screaming and pounding the floor. The news is like a vicious uprooting.”\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Even here, even in the retrospective lament, to look directly at the grief is too much to bear. Adichie must construct the frame of her daughter’s seeing in order to look at the manifestation of her own pain. Grief, Adichie tells us, is grounded in the body memory. “The pain is not surprising, but its physicality is,” she writes early on, her sides achy from crying, her arms heavy with sorrow; understanding that mourning is an act of the whole body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad fullwidth]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moving across past and present, Adichie details the familiar—the pandemic-driven Zoom calls with family across three different countries—and then the horrific—her father’s sudden death when he seemed fine—followed by the family’s shock and numbness as they process what has happened, as they wonder what could have been done differently in order for their father not to die. The \u003cem>if onlys \u003c/em>become a familiar refrain, turning over and over in the mind. “Did my spirit know—the way anxiety sat sharp in my stomach once I heard he was unwell; my sleeplessness for two days; and the hovering, darkening pall I could neither name nor shake off?” she writes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And always, the lament that death came too soon, the wishing for more time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13893843']Reflecting upon moments of her father’s life in vivid, richly saturated details allows some comfort. Adichie details her last trip to Nigeria to see her father, the stories of his courtship of her mother and other memories. Carefully, lovingly, she touches upon the objects that are all that are left, now, to mark her father’s life that both comfort and haunt—the piles of stones in the driveway to mark his daily exercise, home videos from trips to Lagos, old sudoku books, old photographs and letters. But even she, the writer, knows these words are not enough to stem the rising waters of grief: “You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language,” Adichie writes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A daughter’s love and respect for a father who was pivotal in her formation of self saturates these pages. Equally present is the need to create something out of that grief to honor the father so he will be remembered. But the question is how. As the pandemic rages on, the funeral is delayed; instead, mourners from their community come to sit and tell stories over and over. Adichie reckons with her discomfort with these aspects of Igbo mourning traditions:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>“There is value in that Igbo way, that African way, of grappling with grief: that performative, expressive mourning, where you take every call and you tell and retell the story of what happened, where isolation is anathema and ‘stop crying’ a refrain. But I am not ready.”\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>For Adichie, this communal mourning is too much. While her mother must shave her head and sit and bear the grief of the community come to honor her dead husband with their words, both spoken and signed into the death notebook, Adichie thinks: “Who are you coming into our house to write in that alien notebook? How dare you make this thing true?” She is troubled over the platitudes uttered that echo meaningless and empty, and humbly regrets times in the past when she too had uttered those same platitudes to friends who had lost a loved one, unaware of the painful banality of such language in the midst of the sharp haunting of grieving.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For Adichie, grief is private, held close. She does not want to speak to others. She wants to wrap herself in grief like a baby in a swaddled blanket and imagine it is her father’s hands, still present, soothing her to sleep. It is only in the stillness of her own lament that she can understand grief. To Adichie, the only word that makes sense is the simple, authentic \u003cem>Ndo,\u003c/em> the Igbo word for sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the closing pages, the body still looms large over the understanding of grief. Adichie, thinking of how to adorn the body for grief, is making T-shirts for her father’s funeral. “I don’t particularly like T-shirts, but I spend hours on a customization website, designing T-shirts to memorialize my father, trying out fonts and colors and images,” she writes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[aside postid='arts_13879768']It is primal and universal, the need to create something to honor the dead; to say “I am my father’s daughter.” First the marking of grief on the body, then the marking of grief on the page.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In this way, \u003cem>Notes on Grief \u003c/em>becomes a work larger than its slim size, universal in the experience of the loss of a parent, and the struggle to mourn that loss, during a pandemic when airport closures and social distancing push funerals months and months past their scheduled dates. Of not knowing when the funeral will be, the delaying again, and then again. “‘After the burial we can begin to heal,'” Adichie’s mother says. Perhaps, in the reading of this book, in this personal lament made universal, so too will the rest of us who have lost so much over this past year of loss and grieving.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>[ad floatright]\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hope Wabuke is a poet, writer and assistant professor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">\u003cem>Copyright 2021 NPR. To see more, visit \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">NPR\u003c/a>.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=%27Notes+On+Grief%27+Makes+Visceral+The+Experience+Of+Death+And+Grieving&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/em>\u003c/div>\n\n","blocks":[],"excerpt":"Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie explores the primal and universal elements of grief, after a year in which millions experienced it. ","status":"publish","parent":0,"modified":1705008395,"stats":{"hasAudio":false,"hasVideo":false,"hasChartOrMap":false,"iframeSrcs":[],"hasGoogleForm":false,"hasGallery":false,"hasHearkenModule":false,"hasPolis":false,"paragraphCount":19,"wordCount":1263},"headData":{"title":"'Notes on Grief' Makes Visceral the Experience of Death and Grieving | KQED","description":"Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie explores the primal and universal elements of grief, after a year in which millions experienced it. ","ogTitle":"","ogDescription":"","ogImgId":"","twTitle":"","twDescription":"","twImgId":"","schema":{"@context":"http://schema.org","@type":"Article","headline":"'Notes on Grief' Makes Visceral the Experience of Death and Grieving","datePublished":"2021-05-11T18:54:23.000Z","dateModified":"2024-01-11T21:26:35.000Z","image":"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/KQED-OG-Image@1x.png"}},"sticky":false,"nprByline":"Hope Wabuke","nprImageAgency":"Knopf","nprStoryId":"995744328","nprApiLink":"http://api.npr.org/query?id=995744328&apiKey=MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004","nprHtmlLink":"https://www.npr.org/2021/05/11/995744328/notes-on-grief-makes-visceral-the-experience-of-death-and-grieving?ft=nprml&f=995744328","nprRetrievedStory":"1","nprPubDate":"Tue, 11 May 2021 07:12:00 -0400","nprStoryDate":"Tue, 11 May 2021 07:12:34 -0400","nprLastModifiedDate":"Tue, 11 May 2021 07:12:34 -0400","templateType":"standard","featuredImageType":"standard","path":"/arts/13897017/notes-on-grief-makes-visceral-the-experience-of-death-and-grieving","audioTrackLength":null,"parsedContent":[{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003cp>The lament, a lyrical outpouring of sorrow, is one of the oldest and most universal art forms, with \u003cem>The Lament for Sumer and Ur \u003c/em>dating back 4,000 years to ancient Sumer.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Across time and cultures, the lament has been seen in \u003cem>The Illiad \u003c/em>and \u003cem>t\u003c/em>he Hindu \u003cem>Vedas,\u003c/em> \u003cem>Beowulf\u003c/em> and the \u003cem>Christian Bible. \u003c/em>It has been seen in the operas of Monteverdi and Purcell, the music of Mozart and Rossini. The lament permeates the piobaireachd music of Scotland. And for millenia, the lament has characterized African mourning traditions, from the Bantu in the East to the Igbo in the West.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s \u003cem>Notes on Grief, \u003c/em>the lament composed to honor and process the death of her father during the early days of the global COVID-19 pandemic, one of our century’s most gifted artists of language makes visceral the experience of death and grieving. In poetic bursts of imagistic prose that mirror the fracturing of self after the death of a beloved parent, Adichie constructs a narrative of mourning—of haunting and of love.\u003c/p>\n\u003cfigure id=\"attachment_13897018\" class=\"wp-caption aligncenter\" style=\"max-width: 800px\">\u003cimg loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium wp-image-13897018\" src=\"https://ww2.kqed.org/app/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-800x1156.jpg\" alt=\"'Notes On Grief,' by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.\" width=\"800\" height=\"1156\" srcset=\"https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-800x1156.jpg 800w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-1020x1474.jpg 1020w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-160x231.jpg 160w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-768x1110.jpg 768w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-1063x1536.jpg 1063w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a-1417x2048.jpg 1417w, https://cdn.kqed.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2021/05/notes_custom-662aa5e0465d980b562621a5ba400a56d4083e0a.jpg 1495w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px\">\u003cfigcaption class=\"wp-caption-text\">‘Notes On Grief,’ by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. \u003ccite>(Knopf)\u003c/cite>\u003c/figcaption>\u003c/figure>\n\u003cp>Adichie begins with her understanding of how grief is a raw physical thing, as uncontrollable as the urge to expel bile when sick, as the need to push during childbirth. Perhaps this is because grief is not a choice—nor is the depth of grief one feels. It is all consuming; it overtakes one like the pounding of the monsoon during the rainy season and all one can do is hold on and hope not to be swept underneath by the intensity of its force. Writes Adichie:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>“My four year old daughter says I scared her. She got down on her knees to demonstrate, her small clenched fist rising and falling, and her mimicry makes me see myself as I was: utterly unraveling, screaming and pounding the floor. The news is like a vicious uprooting.”\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>Even here, even in the retrospective lament, to look directly at the grief is too much to bear. Adichie must construct the frame of her daughter’s seeing in order to look at the manifestation of her own pain. Grief, Adichie tells us, is grounded in the body memory. “The pain is not surprising, but its physicality is,” she writes early on, her sides achy from crying, her arms heavy with sorrow; understanding that mourning is an act of the whole body.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"fullwidth"},"numeric":["fullwidth"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>Moving across past and present, Adichie details the familiar—the pandemic-driven Zoom calls with family across three different countries—and then the horrific—her father’s sudden death when he seemed fine—followed by the family’s shock and numbness as they process what has happened, as they wonder what could have been done differently in order for their father not to die. The \u003cem>if onlys \u003c/em>become a familiar refrain, turning over and over in the mind. “Did my spirit know—the way anxiety sat sharp in my stomach once I heard he was unwell; my sleeplessness for two days; and the hovering, darkening pall I could neither name nor shake off?” she writes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>And always, the lament that death came too soon, the wishing for more time.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13893843","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>Reflecting upon moments of her father’s life in vivid, richly saturated details allows some comfort. Adichie details her last trip to Nigeria to see her father, the stories of his courtship of her mother and other memories. Carefully, lovingly, she touches upon the objects that are all that are left, now, to mark her father’s life that both comfort and haunt—the piles of stones in the driveway to mark his daily exercise, home videos from trips to Lagos, old sudoku books, old photographs and letters. But even she, the writer, knows these words are not enough to stem the rising waters of grief: “You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language,” Adichie writes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>A daughter’s love and respect for a father who was pivotal in her formation of self saturates these pages. Equally present is the need to create something out of that grief to honor the father so he will be remembered. But the question is how. As the pandemic rages on, the funeral is delayed; instead, mourners from their community come to sit and tell stories over and over. Adichie reckons with her discomfort with these aspects of Igbo mourning traditions:\u003c/p>\n\u003cblockquote>\u003cp>“There is value in that Igbo way, that African way, of grappling with grief: that performative, expressive mourning, where you take every call and you tell and retell the story of what happened, where isolation is anathema and ‘stop crying’ a refrain. But I am not ready.”\u003c/p>\u003c/blockquote>\n\u003cp>For Adichie, this communal mourning is too much. While her mother must shave her head and sit and bear the grief of the community come to honor her dead husband with their words, both spoken and signed into the death notebook, Adichie thinks: “Who are you coming into our house to write in that alien notebook? How dare you make this thing true?” She is troubled over the platitudes uttered that echo meaningless and empty, and humbly regrets times in the past when she too had uttered those same platitudes to friends who had lost a loved one, unaware of the painful banality of such language in the midst of the sharp haunting of grieving.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>For Adichie, grief is private, held close. She does not want to speak to others. She wants to wrap herself in grief like a baby in a swaddled blanket and imagine it is her father’s hands, still present, soothing her to sleep. It is only in the stillness of her own lament that she can understand grief. To Adichie, the only word that makes sense is the simple, authentic \u003cem>Ndo,\u003c/em> the Igbo word for sorry.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In the closing pages, the body still looms large over the understanding of grief. Adichie, thinking of how to adorn the body for grief, is making T-shirts for her father’s funeral. “I don’t particularly like T-shirts, but I spend hours on a customization website, designing T-shirts to memorialize my father, trying out fonts and colors and images,” she writes.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"aside","attributes":{"named":{"postid":"arts_13879768","label":""},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>It is primal and universal, the need to create something to honor the dead; to say “I am my father’s daughter.” First the marking of grief on the body, then the marking of grief on the page.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>In this way, \u003cem>Notes on Grief \u003c/em>becomes a work larger than its slim size, universal in the experience of the loss of a parent, and the struggle to mourn that loss, during a pandemic when airport closures and social distancing push funerals months and months past their scheduled dates. Of not knowing when the funeral will be, the delaying again, and then again. “‘After the burial we can begin to heal,'” Adichie’s mother says. Perhaps, in the reading of this book, in this personal lament made universal, so too will the rest of us who have lost so much over this past year of loss and grieving.\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003c/p>\u003c/div>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}},{"type":"component","content":"","name":"ad","attributes":{"named":{"label":"floatright"},"numeric":["floatright"]}},{"type":"contentString","content":"\u003cdiv class=\"post-body\">\u003cp>\u003c/p>\n\u003cp>\u003cem>Hope Wabuke is a poet, writer and assistant professor at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.\u003c/em>\u003c/p>\n\u003cdiv class=\"fullattribution\">\u003cem>Copyright 2021 NPR. To see more, visit \u003ca href=\"https://www.npr.org\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">NPR\u003c/a>.\u003cimg decoding=\"async\" src=\"https://www.google-analytics.com/__utm.gif?utmac=UA-5828686-4&utmdt=%27Notes+On+Grief%27+Makes+Visceral+The+Experience+Of+Death+And+Grieving&utme=8(APIKey)9(MDAxOTAwOTE4MDEyMTkxMDAzNjczZDljZA004)\">\u003c/em>\u003c/div>\n\n\u003c/div>\u003c/p>","attributes":{"named":{},"numeric":[]}}],"link":"/arts/13897017/notes-on-grief-makes-visceral-the-experience-of-death-and-grieving","authors":["byline_arts_13897017"],"categories":["arts_1","arts_73"],"tags":["arts_10127","arts_2838"],"affiliates":["arts_137"],"featImg":"arts_13897022","label":"arts_137"}},"programsReducer":{"possible":{"id":"possible","title":"Possible","info":"Possible is hosted by entrepreneur Reid Hoffman and writer Aria Finger. Together in Possible, Hoffman and Finger lead enlightening discussions about building a brighter collective future. 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