Better living through Another Hole in the Head

Several of these movies may either indicate a need for therapy or be a form of it; watch them not to be entertained, heaven knows, but to save yourself from some pretty embarrassing situations.

Below, a few examples of what you might learn. Each of which should be a no-brainer — in the sense of being obvious, not in the sense of having your head impaled — but it never hurts to be reminded. Oh, except when it hurts really bad.

1. Never, especially if you have heaving bosoms, several similarly curvaceous girlfriends, and a ventriloquist’s dummy on your couch, play with the Ouija board at midnight on the night a radical black serial rapist and murderer is to be executed. Look, this is not about race, or politics, or squeamishness in the presence of every imaginable bodily fluid. It’s just common sense. (Black Devil Doll)

2. Necrophilia alone probably should not motivate your choice of career. (Morgue Story)

3. If you’re in the woods on a hunting trip with your San Francisco buddies, and the nasty-ass Mad Max-ish rednecks haven’t scared you off, and the hippie girls haven’t either (well, they are rather fetching, after all, especially when naked), and you find yourself gutting a hog, and you happen to pull a pair of severed human hands out of its belly, trip’s over, OK? (Pig Hunt)

4. In the event of a strange human future in which sex is outlawed due to overpopulation, and you and your astronaut crew have not yet explored that planet full of libidinous ladies, do watch out for the beaks of flying lizards. Or seek them out, if that’s your thing. (Sex Galaxy)

5. Regardless of your aptitude for physical and romantic comedy while in human form, if you are a werewolf, and your wise and gentle Native American companion says, “Don’t go amongst people — they will hurt you, and you them,” try to give him the benefit of the doubt. (Audie and the Wolf)

6. Listen to your science teacher. Especially if he uses the movie Forbidden Planet as a teaching tool. (Monsters from the Id)

7. Where no-budget moviemaking is concerned, your scrappy corner-cutting may indeed be a sign of indie authenticity. Fine. Just keep things in perspective. When making a zombie movie, for instance, it might just be more trouble than it’s worth to employ real zombies. (Reel Zombies)

8. A pair of Catholic high school girls may one day appear at your door and attempt to sell you some religious paraphernalia. In this situation, being a horribly, irredeemably twisted individual to begin with does not entitle you to act on your basest impulses. Of course you probably will anyway, but do understand that there will be serious consequences. (Run! Bitch Run!)

9. Your wariness of eccentric mixed-media artists whose media include human blood and organs does not necessarily make you a philistine. (Detective Story)

10. Someone’s Knocking at the Door. And it’s not a pair of Catholic schoolgirls. Yeah, you’re gonna want to not be home.

Another Hole in the Head runs from June 5-18, 2009, at the Roxie Theater in San Francisco. For schedule, tickets, and more information, visit www.sfindie.com.