In Cornwall, Morwenna slides into second base with Drake a few more times. But Agatha's tarot cards dampen the mood by pointing out that, once Malfoy finds out, he will surely find a way to destroy Drake's life. Because breaking up with a It's-not-you-it's-me text isn't a thing yet, Morwenna has to crush Drake's heart in person. Drake immediately walks to the nearest cliff to jump to his death, but stops short when he receives the advice I telepathically send him from the future: Become an unlikely rapper who only writes about being sad over girls, à la your 21st-century namesake!
You know what has the power to cheer Drake up (and probably could cure Valentine's rickets too)? A Horace the Pug sighting!
I sure feel better. Don't you?
Instead of following my advice and writing a "Hotline Bling"-esque breakup jam, Drake decides to secretly join the cast of Saving Private Doc.
Dying nobly abroad is one way to get an ex's attention, but I still prefer the maudlin rapping.
Despite there being a full-blown war going on, Ross and co. waltz right into France without any problems. After going over the prison break plan, Ross and his buddies quickly realize how ill-conceived and stupid the whole idea is. But they decide to just do it anyway because YOLO.
They head-butt and punch their way into the POW camp and find Doc pretty easily. But Doc wants to stay and cauterize more festering wounds with a spoon.
While Ross tries to convince Doc to give Mother Teresa-ing a rest and get the hell up, some little pipsqueak alerts the entire camp about the escape attempt. Ross and Drake drop-kick a few guards! One of Ross' friends uses a bomb to blow open a gate while laughing! Everyone takes turns casually murdering guards!
Back in England, Malfoy and Elizabeth run around a fancy party bad-mouthing Ross and his attempt to free Doc to anyone who will listen. Trouble is there's no one who will. Everyone loves Ross and hopes Saving Private Doc wins Best Picture. IN YOUR FACE, JERKS!
In France, things have taken a turn. One of Ross' friends gets shot. I don't know his name, so only low-to-medium care.
Drake tries to drag Captain No Name to safety, and also gets shot. I very much care.
Ross and friends make it to a hiding place, but it's too late for Captain. He died doing what he loved: mainly blowing sh-t up.
The not-so-merry band of misfits manage to make it to their getaway rowboat, but Drake isn't doing well. Ross has a waking nightmare of how pissed Demelza will be, if he lets her brother die.
As we saw last week, Demelza can very casually bring life into this world; she can casually snuff life out of it too.
Thankfully for Ross, Demelza won't have to kill anyone today. Drake pulls through and everyone makes it back home. Sam, who stayed home worrying about how sinful kissing is, immediately takes the credit: "See, brother, my prayers did work!"
Across town, Malfoy receives word that Ross succeeded in freeing Doc, and helped 20 others escape, including Doc's prison bestie, who happens to be the nephew of some rich person Malfoy desperately wants to impress. IN YOUR FACE AGAIN!
At the mine, everyone gathers to hear Demelza's rendition of Mariah Carey's "One Sweet Day," in honor of Captain's memory. It goes to #1 and stays there for 16 weeks.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Malfoy and Elizabeth. I hope the random puddle that murdered Francis takes care of these two sometime soon. Maybe I'll get Sam to pray on it.
HONORABLE MENTION: Horace the Pug. Sure, he didn't do much this episode, but I just like rewarding him, okay?
BRONZE: Drake. He survived heartbreak and being shot in the back. So much material for his debut album!
SILVER: Ross. His directorial debut, Saving Private Doc, had everything a Best Picture winner needs: adventure, emotion, drop-kicking. Brava! Two thumbs up!
GOLD: Captain. Sorry he had to die. Also sorry I was always too distracted by Agatha's drunken antics, Horace's cuteness, and shirtless river bathing to ever learn his name.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark or pop culture in general, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty, listen to my podcast The Cooler, or read all my other Poldark recaps below!
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'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer
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'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark
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