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'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 7 Recap: I'm In Love With A Monster

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 (Photo: Masterpiece)

In the previous episode of Poldark, Ross did everything in his power to get in trouble with the law again, Demelza did everything in her power to not stab him, and Murphy's Law did everything in its power to prevent Doc, Blondie and Horace the Pug from eloping and finding bliss. Will Ross be hanged, turning Poldark into a show only about Demelza, Agatha, and all the cool animals? Will Demelza finally get an annulment and pursue a career as a pop star in the big city? Will Elizabeth take a much-needed break from being super-duper annoying? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

After barely escaping arrest and death, Ross should be lying low right about now. He's not, of course. Instead, he's getting letters from his Illegal Smuggling Boss. Demelza has had it. Officially.

Demelza: "Judas, Ross! Will you never learn?!?"

Ross: "Possibly not." *smug smirk*

Kill him, Demelza. Just kill him.


Moments later, Ross is already in court. The judge is gleefully ready to punish him, but Ross brings in three surprise alibis. Case dismissed! Hmm, that was anti-climactic. Doc also gets off with a small fine for building that warning bonfire. Rich white dudes have all the luck. Remember when this same judge sentenced a poor person to several years in a typhus-infested prison for stealing a chicken and a different poor person to the gallows for throwing poop in Parliament Wannabe's face. Yeah.

Outside the courthouse, Doc pretends he's totally over Blondie:

But on the inside, he's like:


Back at home, Ross apologizes to Demelza for all his really terrible decisions over the entire time they've known each other. "I will never again be guilty of such recklessness." Ha ha ha... yeah, right.

whitney houston laugh not amused gif

Across town, Doc gets a bunch of mail. Blondie has returned all his letters and written one of her own, which basically reads like the lyrics to JoJo's 2004 single "Leave (Get Out)":

Get out! Leave! Right now!
It's the end of you and me
You said that you would treat me right
But you was just a waste of time.

The next day, Demelza is in the town square, minding her business, when Elizabeth calls her over to her carriage.

Elizabeth: "I've been meaning to call upon you to thank you for your kindness these past few months."

Demelza: "In lending you my husband?"

Elizabeth: "...in a manner of speaking."

Demelza: "Oh, you're welcome to him, just so long as you remember where he belongs and send him back to me when you're done with him."


Memo to everyone in Cornwall: Demelza is not the one to mess with.

Later that night, Demelza, still on the war path, confronts Ross about how he sold all his shares in the old mine, information she received from a stranger in town. Ross is like, Oh, yeah, I guess I forgot to tell you! I gave away almost all of our money to my ex-girlfriend, leading us to live in squalor for months and months, because she's a delicate flower and needs nice things more than you do. That's not going to be a problem, right?

Demelza has two options:

Option A: Break a glass and use it to disembowel him.

Option B: Silently stew.

She unfortunately chooses Option B.


The next day, Demelza grabs a bottle of brandy and runs to some random pregnant girl's house. Random Mom-To-Be is in labor and needs to get blackout drunk immediately (I don't blame her). She thankfully does not die from preeclampsia (still and forever traumatized by Sybil's fate in Downton Abbey).

Her baby daddy comes home to meet his new child and brings good news from the mine: they found tin! That's cool and all, but this means my dream of the mine closing forever and never having to hear about it again has been dashed yet again. You can't always get what you want, I suppose.

Over at Elizabeth's house, she's complaining (you don't say!) about how she doesn't have a man to do all the thinking for her anymore. Mid-rant, she notices a bunch of dudes (sent by Malfoy to scare her into marrying him) digging in her front yard for tin. Her mother comes to the window to take a look and randomly has a stroke.

And it's bad. She'll need constant care for the rest of her life. Elizabeth is really bummed she has to be a nurse now... unless Malfoy pays for one? She invites him over and he promptly proposes. WTF is going on? Doesn't anyone date around here? Elizabeth is unconvinced, until he reminds her how big his house is. She quickly changes her tune, while picturing her future of drowning in gold coins:


Back at the mine, Ross thinks they should secure the ceiling with timbers before continuing to look for more tin. Everyone else is like, Naaaaah. Someone's totally going to die.

In the woods, Doc rides by the spot where he and Blondie made out next to a horse butt. He hums a melancholy melody that, two centuries later, will be adapted into a hit single titled "My Heart Will Go On."


At chez Ross, Verity pays a visit and Demelza shares her worries that Ross is going to cheat on her with Elizabeth. Verity is like, Don't even worry about it! That would never happen!

Dear Demelza, find more perceptive friends. Worry about it. It will happen.

In the library, Verity's obnoxiously cheerful stepson suggests that Doc join the Navy. Always full of bad ideas and terrible advice, Ross seconds the suggestion: Go for it! You might die, but who cares! Broken-hearted Doc likes the idea of dying and plans to consider the idea.

The following day, Ross' War BFF and his overly-trimmed mustache show up again. Demelza is like, Um, last time you were here you held me at gunpoint and tried to arrest my husband. He responds with Rod Stewart lyrics:

Have I told you lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.

Demelza is like, Um, cool. Thanks? And then runs from the room.


Over at the mine, the ceiling caves in and two workers die, including Random New Mom's baby daddy. That's sad, but this revives my dream of the mine closing permanently and never having to hear about it again.


At Elizabeth's house, Malfoy comes over to gloat about Ross' dead workers. Agatha thinks, Who would fall for such an evil piece of you-know-what? Then she remembers Elizabeth exists. A mere moment later, Elizabeth accepts Malfoy's proposal. I'm sorry, but how did she get from Aw, some poor people died to I think I'll serve a rosemary-rubbed salmon at the reception so quickly?

Agatha makes all these faces at Elizabeth:


Across town, Ross receives a letter from Elizabeth about her engagement. It's a mix of sorry not sorry sentiments and groan-worthy lines like this: "I seem to need the strength and protection only a man can give."

Ross' reaction in a nutshell:


He decides he must rush over there and make her change her mind. Demelza tries to stop him, but he makes her back down by doing this right in her face:


When he gets to Elizabeth's house, he starts barking and banging on the door and then literally kicks it down because he's a monster and that's the kind of thing monsters do. He marches upstairs and barges in her room. A lot of whining and yelling ensues, and all of it boils down to sexist ideas like this:


Elizabeth eventually stands up for herself and tells him that she won't be instructed and that he should get the F out of her house. He responds by respecting her wishes and apologizing for his brutish behavior.

Actually, no. That's what should have happened. Instead we get this: The "hero" of this show forces himself on her. She tells him to stop. He doesn't listen. He grabs her and is about to throw her onto the bed and have his way with her like a Neanderthal.

Elizabeth: You wouldn't dare!

Ross the Rapist: Oh, I would!

He throws her on the bed and jumps on top of her. After some horizontal struggling, we're supposed to believe that Elizabeth starts to enjoy herself.


The next morning, Ross finally comes home. Demelza is outside waiting for a good explanation. She gets this really subpar one:

Ross: "What can I say? It was something I cannot explain. You must see I had no choice."

Is he serious?!?

Demelza, finish him, Mortal Kombat style!


She doesn't quite gobble him up and spit out his bones, but she does punch him right in the eye.


I'll take it.

End scene.

After every episode, I usually reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, but this time, I only have pieces of coal to hand out.

PIECE OF COAL: Poldark, the show. Way to contribute to the rape myth that, even when a woman says no, she secretly wants it.

ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL: Aidan Turner, the actor who plays Ross. In an interview with The Sun about the rape scene, he had this to say: “It seems consensual, and it just seems right."  Wow.

AND ANOTHER PIECE OF COAL: Ross. For obvious reasons.


Until next week, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty and read all the other recaps below.

More recaps:

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 6 Recap: Informer

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 5 Recap: Before He Cheats

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 4 Recap: Sink or Swim

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 3 Recap: Miss Independent

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 2 Recap: You Don't Bring Me Flowers

'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark

 'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover

‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt

‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang


‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive

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