Speaking of Garrick, did you know that the real-life dog that plays him was abandoned, rescued, and now, in addition to starring in Poldark, has been cast in the upcoming Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and Emma Watson's live-action version of Beauty and the Beast? It's true! Now I need to know the real-life details of Horace the Pug and Malfoy's uncle's dog. These three are quickly becoming my favorite part of this show.
Anyway, let's move beyond canines (for now) and see what Ross is up to. Oh, the same thing as every other episode: sucking at mining. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Ross needs to cut his losses and convert his mine into a a spot for hipsters to buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He'll never have to worry about money again!
Back at home, Demelza continues to yell at the illegal traders to get their crap from under the floorboards and:
Let's check back in with Ross. Has he returned home to handle his own illegal business dealings and to spend some quality time with his wife and infant? Ha ha, nope! He's at Pinky Ring's, of course, inching closer and closer to adultery.
Ross: "I will always have reason to call, if you wish it."
Pinky Ring: "I wish it."
Back at chez Ross, Demelza is still giving grade-A death stare.
It only increases in intensity when Ross shares his plan to not only store smuggled goods, but to personally go on one of the smuggling runs. But maybe this is a good thing. Ross can get his stupid ass caught and go to prison, paving the way for Poldark to become all about Demelza and the three dogs. Now that would be must-see TV!
Across town, Doc and Blondie debate whether they should elope or try to convince Blondie's uncle to be chill and just let them get married the non-shady way. I don't care either way, as long as I get a shot of Horace the Pug serving as the ring-bearer.
More details about the smuggling run: Ross is going all the way to France (I guess ticket prices dropped, thanks to all the social unrest and beheadings and such). His mission will be to find that dude from Season 1 who strangled his cheating wife to death and ask his advice on which part of the mine might actually have copper. This storyline is embarrassing.
In town, Malfoy runs into Ross. Despite my immense desire for one of them to slap the other with a glove, they just mean mug each other and walk away.
Malfoy returns home and orders his Slytherin Crony to go to Pinky Ring's house at once. He's supposed to scare her with details of the French Revolution so that she comes running for Malfoy's help, but it doesn't quite work out that way. She instead writes to Ross because home-wreckers gonna home-wreck.
Agatha, on the other hand, doesn't need a man for protection.
Agatha: "Fetch me a pistol. I can stop an intruder in his tracks."
Pinky Ring: "I don't doubt it, aunt. With or without a firearm."
Back at chez Ross, Doc stops by to tell Demelza he's skipping town to marry Blondie and won't be coming back. Demelza plays it cool, but this will be her at the going-away party, because a) she loves to sing and b) Doc is one of the only nice people in all of Cornwall:
Across town, Pinky Ring is livid at Ross for not responding to her letter. You can't see me, but I'm pointing and laughing.
The next day, Blondie pays Demelza a visit. Her need for girl talk supersedes her hatred of poor people, just this once. Blondie is worried Doc has changed his mind about the elopement. Demelza is like, No way! But Blondie hits her with a Girl, who are you kidding? question: "Is that your experience of husbands, to be relied upon?"
In France, Ross meets up with Wife Strangler, who now looks like Tom Hanks in Castaway or Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. You decide. He shares how much he wishes he could strangle Doc to death for sleeping with his wife. I'm guessing France doesn't offer anger-management classes?
Ross and friends are all like, Dude, you've done enough strangling. Now, where's the copper? Wife Strangler tries to show them on a map and they all look at each other like this:
He doesn't really know where the copper is, after all.
Back in Cornwall, Malfoy sends his Slytherin Crony to scare Pinky Ring some more by lying about poor people planning to storm her property. Agatha swoops in with some words of wisdom: "Male of the species: inadequate at best. Better to rely on one's own resources." And then she PULLS OUT A HUGE GUN!
News of this fake riot-in-the-making makes Pinky Ring even angrier with Ross. How dare he not reply to her letter?! She's his.... ex-girlfriend who ditched him for his richer cousin, while he was fighting for his life on the front lines. Yeah. You reap what you sow, girlfriend.
Alas, she doesn't have any common sense and trots on over to chez Ross to bug Demelza. Why hasn't your husband replied to my love note? Wahhhh!
Demelza considers this:
But opts for this:
In town, Wonky Knee Girl, who Doc cured last episode using the knowledge he acquired by inappropriately cutting off a corpse's leg, is having trouble walking again. Doc gets word and wants to help, but he's supposed to meet Blondie in the woods for their elopement. Because he's a good person and doesn't want the other town doctor to chop off this girl's entire leg, he runs to help, which means he's essentially stranding Blondie at the altar because this was before texting. I guess we'll never get to see Horace the Pug serve as ring-bearer, after all.
Doc easily turns Wonky Knee Girl into Functional Knee Girl. Ok, great! Now he doesn't have to be late for his elopement.
Not so fast! Functional Knee Girl's fiancé, who also happens to be the dude who barged into Ross' house last episode and saw all the smugglers digging a hole in the living room floor, is revealed to have lied about a thing or two. Doc and Demelza look at each other, this song now stuck in their heads:
Meanwhile, Horace the Pug is growing very impatient. Blondie, too, I suppose.
Doc runs over to Informer's house. Homeboy does not have a fever, but he does have fancy curtains and candlesticks. You, too, can have nice housewares, if you sell out your friends for years.
Demelza hurries home, seeing tons of military men on the way. She informs Mrs. Pigpen that she's going to head down to the beach to warn Ross. Only trouble is Ross' War BFF busts in right then and orders a man with a gun to not let her leave for the rest of the evening.
Back at the Informer's house, Doc tries to leave to tell the others, but Informer breaks a chair on his back! When that doesn't kill him, Informer tries to bludgeon him with a fireplace poker. When that doesn't work, he tries to stab him to death. Thankfully, Doc lands a few blows and runs out. (Maybe he's been taking boxing lessons in heels like Malfoy?)
Side-note: I watched that entire fight like Aly Raisman's parents:
From there, Doc goes to a hill overlooking the beach and makes a bonfire to warn foolhardy Ross and his stupid friends. Unfortunately, they're already on the beach, unloading, by the time they notice it. Ross yells for everyone to get back in the boat, but he wants to take his chances running around on the beach while soldiers shoot at him, proving that he got everything in the looks department and almost nothing in the brains department.
Ross runs up the hill and knocks out some soldiers. This plan is really stupid. A single punch isn't strong enough to give them early-onset Alzheimer's. They will remember who knocked them out.
Speaking of being knocked out, a soldier hits Doc on the head with his rifle. No good deed goes unpunished, which is something Blondie knows very well, as she and Horace are sitting in her coach in the rain and cold, waiting for someone who isn't coming. Horace is TREMBLING! All because of Ross and his constant shenanigans.
Demelza manages to sneak out of the house (because she's got it like that) and finds Ross in the woods. Guards are everywhere. The plan is to run home and have Ross hide in the library, where the secret cellar is. Pretty sure Informer told them about that secret spot, but okay.
The very moment Demelza walks back into the house, one of the dudes that Ross knocked out barges in. Like I expected, he did not develop early-onset Alzheimer's. A bunch of soldiers storm the library, point their guns at the secret cellar and...
Across town, Pinky Ring hears about the soldiers running around and once again loudly complains about Ross not writing her back. GET OVER YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!!! Being the petty middle schooler that she is, she immediately writes Malfoy.
The next day, after some time in custody, Doc is released. He runs to Blondie's mansion, but all that's there for him is a letter from her saying goodbye forever. THANKS, ROSS!
Here's a live feed of Blondie:
Mr. Pigpen and some other smugglers are on the hunt for the Informer. They're out for blood. But they're not going to get any because -- plot twist! -- the Informer has already been murdered and dumped on the beach. That's what he gets for being the main reason Horace the Pug had to tremble in the cold all night long.
At Pinky Ring's house, Malfoy stops by to tattle on Ross. Agatha calls BS on everything he says, with punctuations of "Stuff!" and "Piffle!" I'm so glad she's immortal and will never die.
Over at chez Ross, Demelza is worried sick. The rug and table in the library moved, so Ross has definitely been there. Where in the world is Ross Poldark (and Carmen Sandiego)?
Apparently, in a side compartment of the secret cellar! He emerges and walks in on Demelza singing her first single. She runs to him and they embrace. All is well... until he has to deal with the fact that he punched a bunch of soldiers and has been exposed as an illegal smuggler. But other than that, and the fact that he's in love with another woman, it's all good.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Pinky Ring. Sometimes, people don't reply to letters, emails or texts because they are busy and their lives don't revolve around you. GET OVER YOURSELF.
HONORABLE MENTION: Demelza. Let her life be a lesson: think twice before marrying a dude just because he's easy on the eyes.
BRONZE: Blondie. Being stood up in the cold like that is terrible, but there's a silver lining. Now, she can release really powerful breakup anthems and become the 18th-century Taylor Swift!
SILVER: Agatha. That gun reveal. Pure gold.
GOLD: Doc. I'm glad he survived being assaulted by a chair, a poker, a knife, a rifle butt, and a breakup letter. He's earned a lengthy vacation. Wonky Knee Girl will just have to fend for herself.
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty or read all the other recaps below!
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'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark
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