Across town, Malfoy is annoyed at his uncle for inviting a bunch of 17-year-old girls to their Christmas party. Never one to miss an opportunity to be disgusting, his uncle says: "Prime breeding stock. You may examine their teeth, if you choose." Can we speed up the advent of feminism, pretty please? Absolutely not? Oh. Okay then.
After another flirty hang with Pinky Ring, during which she complains about how her son isn't going to have as fat a trust fund as previously thought (#WhitePeopleProblems), Ross runs to his banker and tells him to sell a bunch of his mine shares and give all the money to Pinky Ring. The banker speaks for the audience at home:
Banker: "You have your own wife and child to care for. Would it not seem that you value your cousin-in-law's comfort over hers?"
Ross: "[Demelza] is a miner's daughter. She has learned to survive. Pinky Ring is a gentlewoman."
Banker: "And you're a mad man."
At Blondie's house, Doc arrives after being summoned by her uncle. The interaction goes a little something like this:
Uncle: You better not have sex with my niece!
Doc: Sorry, but I'm definitely going to. Probably next to a horse's butt.
Uncle: Don't you dare! I will cut off her inheritance!
Doc: Her trust fund is the most annoying part about her, so knock yourself out. Later!
Elsewhere, Malfoy butters up Pinky Ring's mom, but who cares about that when Horace's the Pug's life partner just made his/her debut?
Over at Pinky Ring's house, Verity is taking off. She gives Francis Jr. a kiss, gives Pinky Ring a look and says, Try not to be a homewrecker. Okay, bye!
Back at chez Ross, Ross and his criminal buddies dig a huge hole in the living room to store illegal goods. Demelza knew he wouldn't listen to her, even after she screamed and threw a rake at his face. She watches him make yet another idiotic decision and shoots daggers into his back.
A bit later, some hot guy named Charlie shows up unannounced and sees the big hole in the living room. Judging by the sinister music, there's a 98% probability he's the Judas.
That night, Ross takes off his shirt (I hate him so much these days, I don't even care to see his hairy chest anymore) and goes to bed in the brattiest way possible. His response to Demelza's touch:
The next morning, he runs off to see Pinky Ring because duh. She just got a bunch of money from an anonymous person. Ross pretends it isn't him and then reminds her that he really wishes Demelza didn't exist:
Ross: "I regret that the circumstances are such that I cannot take care of you as I might wish."
Pinky Ring: "We both regret that, Ross."
And I regret that both of you haven't been murdered by a puddle yet.
Ross then makes out with her hand.
Fast forward a bit and it's Christmas! Maybe Ross will take a break from being the worst for one day? Yeah, no.
Ross: "War now seems inevitable."
Demelza: *rolls eyes and sighs* "Merry Christmas, Ross."
Ross: "Now we know our last hope is gone."
Demelza: "Siri, remind me to draft up divorce papers."
Okay, fine, she didn't actually say that last line, but a boy can dream.
Over at Pinky Ring's house, Agatha continues being the MVP of this entire show.
Agatha: "Rose water?! Do I require a fumigant?"
Pinky Ring: "No, aunt, but..."
Agatha: "Francis always knew what I liked. Brandy wine, port and canary, preferably all three!"
And Agatha has more bon mots where that came from. Malfoy comes in and Agatha grabs Francis Jr. and says, "Sit by me, child. Beware that man's pitchfork and his tail."
Malfoy whisks Pinky Ring to a party so she can watch him examine 17-year-old girls' teeth. She gets jealous, just like he planned. Oy vey, Pinky Ring, Francis JUST died!!! Sure, he was boring, but come on.
In town, Ross and Demelza head to the banker's office to get things in order before Ross is taken to debtor's prison. But -- curveball -- Blondie anonymously bought his debt! She has a soul! Hurrah! (Although Ross does kind of deserve a jail sentence for his attitude at this point.)
Ross and Demelza skip on over to Malfoy's to revel in their sudden good fortune:
Ross: "I regret to say I am unable to give you the satisfaction..."
Malfoy: "Most unfortunate."
Ross: "...of visiting me in prison. You'll have to make due with this."
Uncle: "What is this foolery?"
Ross: "Repayment. In full. With interest.
Malfoy & Uncle: "...."
Ross: "We wish you both the compliments of the season."
Uncle freaks out in a major way, but Malfoy reassures him that he'll get revenge by marrying Ross' ex. You can have her, bro.
Cut to Pinky Ring's house, where she receives a care package from Malfoy. I'll let Agatha's eye roll speak on my behalf: