This piece was inspired by an episode of The Cooler, KQED’s weekly pop culture podcast. Give it a listen!
Halloween (or All Hallows' Eve, if you're nasty) has become an excuse to watch erotic thrillers, carve pumpkins in the likeness of your favorite NPR personality, share ghost stories, and of course, don a costume. So what are the most popular (and most problematic) choices this year? I'll tell you, but you might wish I hadn't.
Let's start with the most disgusting costumes so that we can process the sad state of our culture, start the healing process, and get back to our lives, full of light, abundance, positivity, and the like.
You can -- I kid you not -- dress up as a bound and gagged Kim Kardashian.
Who would dream up such a tasteless costume? A company called Costumeish, which in years past has also produced takes on Toronto mayor Rob Ford's crack habit and Cecil the Lion. Due to pressure from people who still have a shred of empathy left, the company has decided to stop selling this particular costume. But fear not, insensitive people of the world; costumes like "Bruce Gender Olympian" and "Sexy Indian Woman" (tomahawk included) are still for sale.
If making light of Kardashian pain isn't your thing, you can always dress like Harambe, the gorilla who was fatally shot at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Well, at least this costume is of a living Harambe and doesn't make a joke out of his death, right?
At least they didn't try to make Harambe sexy?
If you love one or all of these depictions of this particular dead primate, but were hoping for a little more authenticity, no worries; you can pair any of the above with this waterproof mask of Harambe's face.
Speaking of sexy twists on non-sexy things, you can now dress up as a sultry version of Twitter's favorite undecided voter, Ken Bone.
And that's just the tip of the sexy costume iceberg.
What better way to show your love of excrement and Emojis than with a poo-colored leotard?
Make Donald Trump Sexy Again!
Hillary Clinton in her signature pantsuit (minus the pants)!
The Snapchat dog filter processed through a sexy filter (annoying slurping sound not included).
Ebola, made sexy!
And, considering 2016's Pokemon Go mania, Pikachu is also not safe from the sexy trend. This outfit is called "Catch Me Honey."
Now that we've covered the terrible costumes out there, let's move right along to less offensive options.
Stranger Things was all everyone could talk about this summer, so it makes sense that a lot of people want to dress up as characters from the series.
You can channel your inner Eggo-aficianado with this Eleven outfit.
You can get your disapproving bestie on by recreating Barb's look.
You can have your friend/significant other/mom/whomever be the creepy wall to your panic-attack-having Winona Ryder.
And, if you're into DIY projects, you can turn yourself into the infamous light-up alphabet wall.
Other popular picks this year are non-sexy versions of the presidential candidates, Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad, and scary clowns. Sales of the latter are up 300%, thanks to the nationwide clown sighting trend.
But the award for Best Costume of 2016 goes to this man and his malfunctioning Galaxy Note 7 get-up.
It's almost good enough to make you forget about sexy Harambe. Almost.
Want to hear more about Halloween costumes, ghosts, and scary movies? Give these episode of The Cooler a listen: