And I'm glad that he is because that means I can re-share my Photoshop imagining of his drag persona, Hisstina Snakespeare.
In a different mansion, Blondie is throwing a tantrum about how Doc hasn't called since he took that fish bone out of her throat three months ago. Three whole months! You don't need to be a doctor to diagnose this case of He's Just Not That Into You as lethal. Blondie doesn't get it though and writes a letter ordering him to come hang out with her. She ends with a passive-aggressive "Unless, of course, you have more important matters to attend..."
He does. Miners, fishermen and basically anyone without a trust fund is coming down with a weird disease.
On the road back to chez Ross, Demelza is carrying her fish bounty, when she runs into Pinky Ring, the patron saint of spoiled walks. Pinky Ring goes from zero to insufferable in two seconds flat: You probably shouldn't be fishing because a. the strong current, b. your husband didn't give you permission, c. you're pregnant, which means you can't do anything meaningful for nine months, and d. you're a woman, which means you should stick to drinking too much tea and staring longingly out of windows. Demelza thinks back on the conversation she overheard between Pinky Ring and Ross and counters all of Pinky Ring's points with a look that roughly translates to: A. I, b. will, c. cut, d. you.
Elsewhere, Ross runs into Malfoy. Despite all his training in heels, Hisstina is like, Eeeek! Get me outta here!! Ross shares his intentions of giving Malfoy a killer wedgie sometime in the near future. Malfoy runs home and checks to make sure his pistol is where he left it.
The following day, Ross catches Demelza preparing all the fish she caught. He is thrilled that Demelza is so resourceful and independent. He thanks her for putting food on their table (something he hasn't been able to do for some time), apologizes for everything, and kisses her like he means it.
Actually, none of that happens. He yells at her instead:
Ross: "You went out in the boat?!"
Demelza: "No, I whistled and they came dancing at me out the waves."
Ross: "Have you no sense?!"
Demelza: "Yes, and an extra mouth to feed."
One good thing about dating a jerk: you get really good at delivering well-crafted comebacks.
Across town, Backstabber Cousin is playing around with a metal detector, just in case you forgot what a nerd he is.
The following day, Demelza is in town hanging out with Verity (welcome back, girlfriend!). Verity is overall happy with her new life (she gets to travel to Lisbon whenever she wants!), but she's bummed that her husband's two grown children and her own brother don't want anything to do with her. Speak of the Devil and he shall appear: Her brother materializes and promptly shuns her. Oh, Verity, you're better off! Yacht parties off the coast of Portugal > anything involving being a stepmom or being related to your metal-detecting brother.
After another round of pushy letters from Blondie, Doc finally is like, Fiiiine, I'll come over. Blondie doesn't waste any time letting him know how annoyed she is that he cares more about ailing poor people than her, a rich lady with no problems. She then shows him how wide she can open her mouth so he can examine her three-month-old fish bone injury and also get a few ideas in his head, if you know what I mean (and I think you do).
Turns out she's completely fine. (You don't say!) They get to talking about all the poor people suffering from scurvy. Doc wishes it was easier for these people to access the kind of nutrients they need. Blondie wishes they would just die. No, really, she does:
"Why do they not spend less on gin and more on oranges? Will you do any good by attempting to save these people? They'll only multiply. And then there will be more mouths to feed. Of course, it's sad to see them die, but at least it keeps the numbers in check."
Doc says, You are the absolute worst and I hope you get scurvy someday, in the most polite British way possible. He also makes all of these faces:
Oh, and Horace the Pug is there for all of it and remains more adorable than all human children that have ever been born:
At a mine shareholders meeting, Malfoy's Slytherin Crony sabotages Ross (again) and announces that he's bought out one of the other shareholders (again). Zzzzzz.
Across town, Malfoy spots Pinky Ring galloping past from his window and chases her down. Hang out with meeee! Why doesn't anyone want to hang out with meeee?! She takes pity on him and agrees to have some tea (British people must be very hydrated). He makes her regret her kindness by basically telling her, Be my whore or I will destroy your husband and your beloved ex.
Over at chez Ross, some neighbor we've never met stops by with a proposition. If Ross will let him unload his illegal goods at his beach, the neighbor will pay him handsomely. Demelza knows this will lead to another trial and maybe an execution this time. Since women of the 1700s aren't allowed to disagree with their husbands in front of company, she must resort to convincing him that this is a terrible idea through glaring:
It doesn't work. Coming soon to Netflix:
Because she just can't take a hint, Blondie heads on over to Doc's house. At that very moment, he's leaving with a basket of apples for the people with scurvy. Will she redeem herself with an empathetic comment? Nah. "Do your patients enjoy worms and mold?" Money can't buy you flirting skills, that's for sure.
Over at Verity's, her sea captain hubby has a surprise. Guess what, Verity? My children, who loathe your very existence, are coming over for a slumber party! Verity is YAY on the outside, VORTEX OF PUKE AND DREAD on the inside.
That night, Ross is kicking it with some of his homeboys. All the women are isolated to the kitchen because patriarchy. The Boys Club is considering a plan that involves letting Malfoy have Ross' mine and opening a brand new one 'cause they've proven themselves to be so good at mining.
When Ross comes into the kitchen, Demelza asks what they're planning. Ross is like, No need to worry your little female brain. I'll tell you some other time, if I feel like it. Oh, and by the way, I'm going down to help transport all those illegal goods tonight. Let this be a lesson to us all: Don't marry a dude you barely know just because he's hot. Do a background check and also find out if he's a feminist first.
Ross and the smugglers almost get caught, but don't. He returns home, feeling himself for a crime well done. Demelza GOES ALL THE WAY OFF:
TL;DR version: It's cool for you to do illegal things that jeopardize our family, but when I go fishing so we'll have something to eat, that's a problem? You don't have to consider my opinion ever, but I always have to do as I'm told? GO F YOURSELF!!!!
The following day, Doc receives a delivery of oranges. So Blondie isn't completely evil after all! Before we can get used to that idea, she says more cringe-worthy stuff when Doc stops by to thank her: "You don't imagine I care about the fate of a few fish wives, do you? Now you're under obligation to me."
At yet another mine shareholders meeting (zzzzz), Malfoy has decided to take Slytherin Crony's place so he can hasten the inevitable fist fight with Ross. Sometimes the anticipation of getting your jaw broken can be worse than the jaw breaking.
But it won't be today. Ross storms out and gallops very quickly to his accountant's office. He plans to sell half of his shares in the mine and use the money to open a new mine with his cousin. Backstabber Cousin is down, but wants to be totally honest about how he leaked all kinds of info to Malfoy last season, which led to great ruin for Ross. But Ross stops him: It's in the past! I'm sure it's nothing serious! Whatever! Ignorance is bliss, I guess.
After the deal is finalized, Ross heads to the pub to celebrate. Obviously, Malfoy is there. He immediately gloats about his takeover of Ross' mine and also reveals all the details of how Backstabber Cousin helped ruin Ross. Fight! Fight! Fight!
And they do! Ross seems to be the one to bet on, but all those boxing lessons have turned Malfoy into a killing machine! Don't believe me? Witness his attempt at gouging Ross' eyes out with his thumbs:
So who won? Let's analyze all the assaulting, shall we?
Malfoy's landed hits:
- A cane wack to Ross' head.
- A knee to Ross' family jewels.
- The aforementioned eye gouge.
- A smack to Ross' face.
Ross' landed hits:
- A dramatic shove.
- A wall slam.
- An elbow to Malfoy's face.
- Two gut punches.
- Two face punches.
- A fight-ending shove into a table.
Ross is victorious!
Across town, the sea captain's daughter arrives early. Verity is a nervous wreck. And she should be because this girl is not here to make nice. Stepdaughter basically says, You're so much uglier than my mom. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM AND NEVER WILL BE!!! It's basically the first part of Julia Roberts' Stepmom.
On a dock, Ross gets medical treatment from Doc and chit chats with Verity's husband. And then he tried to gouge my eyes out with his thumbs! Backstabber Cousin runs over to be part of the cool crowd and immediately freaks out upon seeing his sister's husband a.k.a. the dude that shot him in the neck that one time. Before Backstabber Cousin can run away like he usually does, Ross gives him a loaded look that says, I know what you did. If I can forgive you for that evil stuff, you can forgive this dude for maybe killing his first wife, almost killing you in a duel, and taking your sister's virginity. Backstabber Cousin thinks about it and then decides, Ok. Cool.
Out on the open sea, Demelza is fishing again. Might seem boring to some, but what if I told you she was fishing WHILE IN LABOR? Not sure if the Poldark writer meant for this to be hilarious or not, but, after a painful contraction, Demelza says, "Ooo, time to go! Time to go."
Back at Verity's, the sea captain comes home and Verity hysterically tells him, Nu uh, no way, ma'am, I am not meeting any more of your children. Your evil daughter despises me! Which turns out to be an awkward thing to say, seeing as his son is right in the hallway, but it's all good 'cause said son is chill and just wants some rum. Booze, bringing families together since 1784.
Across town, Ross returns home, but Demelza isn't there. He soon finds out she went fishing without permission again and he's red-hot mad. He finds her about to reach shore and immediately starts yelling at her:
Ross: "You are the most stubborn, pig-headed...!"
Demelza: "Oh, I am?!"
Ross: "Where would you be if I hadn't come along?"
Demelza: "Where would you be if I hadn't come along? Drinking and brawling and dodging the noose. You're hateful!"
Ross: "You're infuriating!"
She then promptly gives birth to a son. Ross' anger-management problems evaporate because OMG a male heir!
The next day, Blondie passes by Doc's place of work to announce that she's moving back to London: "I must return to civilization. One can only take so many barbarians."
Elsewhere, Demelza, Ross, Pinky Ring, Backstabber Cousin, Verity, and the Sea Captain all drink to celebrate the new mine, like one big, happy family. How long before they start selling each other's secrets and shooting each other in the neck again? I give it three episodes.
After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:
PIECE OF COAL: Blondie. It wouldn't have been the worst thing if that fish bone had severed her vocal cords. Also, how much do you wanna bet that she's an ancestor of Ann Coulter?
HONORABLE MENTION: Whoever Convinced Blondie to Move Back to London: Good job! I love you! Now convince her to leave Horace behind.
BRONZE: Horace. He steals every scene he's in. This show could just be 58 minutes of him doing various pug things and I would have zero complaints.
SILVER: Verity. Glad she's back. Wish Xanax had been invented in her day; she could certainly use some.
GOLD: Demelza. She took multi-tasking to a whole new level with that whole fishing and giving birth at the same time thing. Kudos!
Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty or read all the other recaps below!
‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive
‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang
‘Poldark’ Season 1, Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt
'Poldark' Season 1, Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover
'Poldark' Season 2, Episode 1 Recap: Court and Spark