'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 4 Recap: Send My Love to Your New Lover

Last episode, everything that could have happened did. Pinky Ring gave birth, Uncle almost croaked, Backstabber Cousin boinked a prostitute, Demelza lost her V Card, Ross did chores nearly naked, oh yeah, and Ross and Demelza randomly got married and... you know what, it's just too much to list so go back and read all about it. I'll wait...

...Now that we're all caught up, I wonder what's in store for us this time around? Will Ross and Demelza go to Mykonos for their honeymoon, realize Cornwall and everyone in it sucks, and decide to just stay? Will Pinky Ring find out about her boring husband sleeping with a prostitute and pull a Lorena Bobbitt? Will Verity join the old lady with the tarot cards' coven and start punishing some of these a-holes? Only one way to find out! On with the show!

Demelza sings and skips in a field. Wouldn't you if you landed a hottie like that for a husband?

Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen are back at home, talking smack about her. They really hope this is like Britney Spears' 55-hour Vegas marriage.

Later, Ross watches Demelza cook. So she still has to be the maid, even though they're married now? The power dynamics in this relationship are troubling. The look on Ross' face communicates that he agrees. It also communicates, Holy crap, what in the world was I thinking?!?

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He gets over these thoughts though and enters the kitchen, startling Demelza, who's like Ahh, my boss! I mean... my husband? He flips her around and makes out with her. Demelza is like, I don't have time for this. I have chores! And he's like, Oh, I have a chore for you to do... They laugh conspiratorially like horny monsters. Before you know it, they're naked in bed. So this show is now basically Melrose Place minus a couple of centuries and LA's warm weather. Got it.

Over at Backstabber Cousin's mine, he's breaking all the management training rules. He pushes one of his workers for asking to be paid. Wow. Class act. Ross turns up to remind him of the man he isn't, so Backstabber Cousin naturally goes into a man baby tantrum (his default setting). Waaah! Did my daddy send you to tell me I'm not good enough? Waaaah! Did my wife send you to tell me I'm a bad lay? Waaaah!

Ross is like, Um, woah. Before he can say anything else, Backstabber Cousin brags about how much he's "gaming and whoring." Every man does it, he says. Ross replies, Not me. Spoiler: I got married to a poor person. Backstabber Cousin is scandalized and secretly so very glad.

grinch stole christmas

Backstabber Cousin says the obvious things he's supposed to say: But she's so poor! You'll be ruined! And you won't be invited to Christmas dinner!

Ross' response is repetitive but to the point:

We get a montage of everyone talking about how "deranged" this marriage is. Pinky Ring is in major denial and pretends to play the harp. Verity is eating it all up 'cause now everyone will forget the scandal that was that one single date she went on.

Even the village prostitute has something to say.

Prostitute: "Is she beautiful?"

Ross: "...in a way."

so rude kim kardashian gif

Exsqueeze me?! How very dare you!

But I'll let it slide because it's directly followed by a quote that's way worse.

Malfoy's Uncle: "Doors which were open will be slammed in his face. His ventures will fail. And you can enjoy the sight of him in the gutter, along with his slut."

Can an anvil fall on this dude's head already?

Back at chez Ross, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen tell Demelza this whole thing is weird because she's still technically doing maid things. Demelza agrees and has a freshman-year-of-college-existential-crisis. Who am I?? No, what am I? *takes a hit of some medicinal weed*

The next day, Ross gets bad news: the mine is not turning up any copper so he needs more funding to continue the digging or whatever. So he goes to meet with his rich donors and it isn't even a full 30 seconds before the village doctor says the following about people who don't have enough to eat: "Those who cannot feed, should not breed."

One more anvil please!

After taking Ross' rash behavior (his teenage misdemeanors, his freakout at Jim's trial, his marriage to a poor person) into consideration, some of the rich dudes decide not to give him any more money for the mine. Two dudes hand over some cash either because they're nice or they just felt too awkward to say no.

When Ross gets home, he gives Demelza a gift. It's a book. Um, who's gonna tell him she can't read? "To practice your letters!" I'm pretty sure handing an illiterate person a copy of Ulysses and expecting them to be educated by the mere sight of all the weird squiggly shapes on the page isn't how that works. He also gives her ribbon to tie up her "unruly mane." Ross is cute and all, but he's not really good at this whole not-making-a-woman-feel-like-total-crap thing.

Oh, and this exchange about their nascent marriage happens:

Demelza: "Nothing's changed."

Ross: "Nothing??"

Demelza: "I do get less sleep."

addams family eyebrow raise gif

This next scene speaks for itself:

[Uncle is struggling to get on a horse to go see his mine.]

Verity: "Dr. Choke ordered bed rest!"

Uncle: "Dr. Choke doesn't have a failing mind or a son whose neither use nor ornament!"

Backstabber Cousin: "Touched by your faith, father."

Uncle: "Not sufficiently touched to act like a man!"

[Uncle's roast is interrupted by another heart attack.]

If one must die, one might as well go down talking sh*t about Backstabber Cousin.

Across town, Ross has a bit of a problem. You see, Demelza still acts like a poor person because marrying someone doesn't instantly change everything about you (imagine that!). She goes to the mine and says something about sticking a fork in her eye (soooo unladylike!) and she wrestles Mr. Pigpen to the ground for eating one of her pies (soooo unbecoming!). But Ross has a solution because he always does. I bet it involves hiring someone.

And there it is! He decides to hire recently incarcerated Jim's baby mama a.k.a. Child Bride to be Demelza's lady's maid. Having someone to look down on and order around should have her acting like an entitled rich person in no time!

Later, Ross heads over to hang out with his dying uncle. When he gets there, the doctor is bloodletting Uncle. Umm, I was an English major, but I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.

Uncle, Verity and Ross talk about Ross' new marriage. Verity, down chick that she is, is thrilled for all the right reasons and congratulates Ross warmly. And then this happens:

Uncle: "Francis especially was quick to see the advantage..."

Verity: "Father!"

Ross: "Of what?"

Uncle: "A wife to divert you. He feels it marginally less likely that you'll ride over and steal Pinky Ring from him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!"

Verity: "Father, compose yourself!"

Uncle: "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHHH MY HEART!!!!"

[Uncle has yet another heart attack.]

On his death bed, Uncle tells Ross: "We both know Backstabber Cousin is not the man you are." Damn. The only person who dislikes Backstabber Cousin more than me is his own father.

At the funeral, Backstabber Cousin basically hocks a loogie on his father's fresh grave:

Ross: "He'll be missed."

Backstabber Cousin: "Not by me. Is it terrible to feel nothing but relief?"

Um, yeah, I'd say so. At this rate, Backstabber Cousin is going to turn into the monster from Stranger Things by the end of the season.

monster meme stranger things gif

At the funeral reception, the old lady with the tarot cards says Uncle probably died because he ate too much custard. Considering that the "doctor" was casually bloodletting, I'll take her medical opinion over his.

A few paces away, Malfoy and his uncle do what they do best: say super rude things loud enough for everyone to hear. Malfoy, who's supposed to be Backstabber Cousin's BFF, even name drops the prostitute they both have been sharing. Why do these two keep getting invites? Block them! Unfollow! Good day!

Upstairs, Pinky Ring does what she does best: feeling sorry for herself, while looking out a window. Verity interrupts her moping to say one of them has to go downstairs and play the hostess and it probably should be Pinky Ring because she's the mistress of the house and Verity is blacklisted as a harlot for going on one innocent date with a man who kind of sort of murdered his wife.

It soon becomes clear that all Pinky Ring's moping isn't about the person who just died at all:

Pinky Ring: "She didn't come. His wife..."

Verity: "This isn't the occasion."

Pinky Ring: "Will you give him my good wishes?"

Verity: "Shouldn't you do that yourself?"

Verity keeps it so real. She is the patron saint of "Girl, really?"

latrice girl really gif drag race

Later, Backstabber Cousin continues to be evil.

Backstabber Cousin: "You must be relieved."

Verity: "How?"

Backstabber Cousin: "You're not the only one to disgrace the family with an unsuitable attachment."

Hit 'em with another one, Verity:

girl really jujubee gif drag race

Malfoy continues the tradition of being the mosquito that won't stop buzzing in your ear while you're sleeping. Ross is unbothered and basically says:

harry potter who are you gif

Malfoy gets even by cornering the disgraced doctor and buying his shares in Ross' mine from him.

Some days later, Ross has a surprise for Demelza: Verity is coming over for a slumber party! Demelza immediately has an anxiety attack.

All three of them sit for lunch and Verity catches them up on what's been going on at her house: Pinky Ring has been playing the harp (zzz), Pinky Ring has been speaking French to the baby (zzzzz), Verity has her needlework (zzzzzzzz) and old lady with the tarot cards, whose name is apparently Agatha, has her spinning (zzzzzzzzzzzz). While these fancy 18th century ladies have been bored out of their minds, Backstabber Cousin has been "often away."

darla can crush gif little rascals

Ross decides to go to work because the idea of forcing Verity and Demelza to make awkward cross-class small talk is hilarious. Verity is like:

don't leave me here orange is the new black gif

At the mine, they can't find copper and are running out of money. Sounds like it's time for Ross to take my earlier advice of turning the mine into a spot where hipsters can buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He could make a fortune!

Back at home, Demelza and Verity are needlepointing in awkward silence. Demelza wonders what a fancy lady would do and thinks, I know! I'll ring the maid bell! I'll ask for tea! Fancy ladies love super hot beverages you spend 25 minutes blowing on and only 1 minute actually enjoying!

Faux pas alert: it's way too early for tea! Oops!

After what seems like an eternity, the girls get to the real talk. Demelza is like, You think I'm trash, right? And Verity is like, No, you are perfect for Ross. You're like his Rachel, you know? Oh, of course you don't know, that TV couple won't be imagined for some time. Anyway, you seem cool.

Like at most slumber parties, talk turns to love and boys. Demelza doesn't believe Ross will ever truly love her but:

"When we're abed, I have reason to believe I please him."

verity shocked poldark

Verity is to a gospel hymn as Demelza is to Salt n Pepa's "Let's Talk About Sex."

But she's not judgmental 'cause she's a down chick with a heart of gold. "Do you think I care a jot where you come from or who your father is or how well you curtsey?"

Verity then teaches Demelza how to curtsey, dance, and set a table. It's basically a mash-up of the first parts of My Fair Lady and The Princess Diaries. Cute overload.

lauren conrad aww gif

Also, despite the limits of time and space, Beyonce's impact is still felt in 18th century Cornwall:

That night, Demelza asks if they can get Verity and the captain back together. Ross says no, strips naked and enjoys some kinky newlywed sex. That's certainly one way to answer a simple question.

The next day, Verity is like:

get in loser mean girls gif

They go to Mood Fabrics to pick out material for a hot new dress.

On their way home, Verity asks, Dude, what's wrong. You suffering from buyers remorse or something? Demelza says, God no, nothing like that! I just won't get to wear the dress for much longer 'cause I'm super duper pregnant! Verity is like, I'm combelling!

Later that day, everyone in the region is freaking out over something. Bells are ringing, people are running and shouting, some dude is waving branches in the air like a lunatic. Ross rushes home and tells Demelza to quickly jump on his horse. She chooses this moment to have a heart-to-heart about how she feels he's always disappointed in her. Ross is like, Girl, you are tripping, now get on. She's like Good talk and gets on.

Turns out all the commotion was about the fishermen coming back with tons and tons of seafood! No one will starve this winter! Yay!

The next day, word on the street is that the bloodletting doctor is talking a lot of mess about Ross' marriage and trying to convince others to stop financing his mine.

michelle full house haters gonna hate gif

Time passes. Winter comes. Demelza throws up a lot.

An invitation to Christmas dinner from Backstabber Cousin comes in the mail. Demelza is like, HARD PASS! But Ross RSVPs anyway because men know best.

When the time comes, Demelza enters Backstabber Cousin's house and feels French-peasants-storming-Versailles feelings. Pinky Ring appears and everyone is expecting this:

gossip girl purse throw gif fight

But this happens instead:

gossip girl excited hug gif

Solidarity, sister!

But things take a turn for the awkward when Tarot Card Agatha asks Demelza a bunch of questions that only rich people know the answer to. She's not doing it to be mean; she's just kind of senile, which explains why she says this:

"Go and sit by Pinky Ring so I can see how you measure up."

Agatha decides, Ehhh, B minus.

Later, Backstabber Cousin bullies Pinky Ring for no reason.

Backstabber Cousin: "You think I don't know what you're about. Taking her under your wing, making her your friend. Oh, Ross, see how kind and generous I am? Look at what a pearl you've lost!"

Pinky Ring: "You're being ridiculous."

Backstabber Cousin: "Am I?!?!"

Okay, so did a demonic spirit take over Backstabber Cousin's body or something? He was low-key deplorable in the beginning of the series, but this is some Scar-throwing-his-own-brother-off-a-cliff kind of evil.

In a different bedroom, a package arrives for Demelza. It's the dress she ordered on her shopping trip with Verity! I really hope there are harem pants in that box.

Downstairs, Ross hangs out with Pinky Ring like they didn't used to think they were soul mates. Pinky Ring complains about how Backstabber Cousin is gambling away all their money and having lots of sex that doesn't involve her. Ross is in the middle of being scandalized when Backstabber Cousin walks in and is like, Hey, y'all. Whatcha talking about? Derp derp derp.

Upstairs, Demelza is having another anxiety attack. What if she morning-sicknesses all over her new dress at dinner?

Downstairs, there's a knock on the door. Uninvited guests on Christmas, how very gauche! It's Malfoy, his uncle, that thirsty girl who is still upset that Ross didn't want to dance with her that one time, and some random. Oh, goodie.

It's time for dinner. Everyone is about to sit down when a shadow at the door appears. Decked out in her brand new dress, Demelza walks into the dining room like this:

violet chacki drag race dress gif

Everyone thinks, Slay, queen, slay!

Dinner is served and the thirsty girl doesn't waste any time throwing digs Demelza's way. She brings up what a scandal the marriage was, how maids are always getting ideas of rising above their station, how any unwed woman above 23 should just kill herself.

Verity, who is 25, dies a little inside. I wish Verity would stand up, splash wine in this girl's face and say, "'Tis my Christmas wish for you to get the F out of my house. Now scram!" But this is 18th century England so she doesn't say anything. :-*(

Later, Pinky Ring plays the harp while everyone tries to stay awake. When she's done, Thirsty Girl grabs Demelza and tries to force her to play a lick on the harp too. Surely her governess taught her, right? Grrrrr.

Ross mentions that Demelza can sing and forces her to audition for The Voice with no warning. She thinks, Oh, what the hell and lets a folk song rip. She is the Tori Amos of her time and everyone is spell-bound, even the haters. They all think, I'll totally buy her album on iTunes, and I never pay for music anymore. Nice try, Thirsty Girl.

The next day, Ross and Demelza are walking home and hear bells coming from the mine. Did a canary die? Turns out no. But they found a crazy amount of copper though! Everyone laughs and hugs in slow motion.

That night, Ross is so happy that he finally tells Demelza that he loves her. Demelza tells him that she's pregnant. They have sex.

End scene!

After every episode, it’s only right to reward characters who’ve impressed and diss the ones that haven’t, so here goes:

PIECE OF COAL: Thirsty Girl: This (dis)honor almost went to Backstabber Cousin because duh, but his dad just died, so I'll cut him some slack. If there's a special place in hell for women who don't support other women (like Taylor Swift Madeleine Albright said), Thirsty Girl certainly lives there.

HONORABLE MENTION: The Prostitute: Anyone who has to sleep with an insufferable bore like Backstabber Cousin that much deserves some kind of award.

BRONZE: Whoever Found The Copper: Now maybe we won't have to hear about the mine every other minute.

SILVER: Demelza: Kudos on the runway walk and the song. A star is born!

GOLD: Verity: Between her Girl, really? moments and her consistent kindness, what's not to love? I hope she gets to have sex before she dies.

Until next week! If you miss my thoughts on Poldark, follow me on Twitter @xcusemybeauty or read all the other recaps below!

More recaps:

‘Poldark’ Season 1 Premiere Recap: Stayin’ Alive

'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 2 Recap: Bang Bang

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'Poldark' Season 1 Episode 3 Recap: Oops, There Goes My Shirt

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