He gets over these thoughts though and enters the kitchen, startling Demelza, who's like Ahh, my boss! I mean... my husband? He flips her around and makes out with her. Demelza is like, I don't have time for this. I have chores! And he's like, Oh, I have a chore for you to do... They laugh conspiratorially like horny monsters. Before you know it, they're naked in bed. So this show is now basically Melrose Place minus a couple of centuries and LA's warm weather. Got it.
Over at Backstabber Cousin's mine, he's breaking all the management training rules. He pushes one of his workers for asking to be paid. Wow. Class act. Ross turns up to remind him of the man he isn't, so Backstabber Cousin naturally goes into a man baby tantrum (his default setting). Waaah! Did my daddy send you to tell me I'm not good enough? Waaaah! Did my wife send you to tell me I'm a bad lay? Waaaah!
Ross is like, Um, woah. Before he can say anything else, Backstabber Cousin brags about how much he's "gaming and whoring." Every man does it, he says. Ross replies, Not me. Spoiler: I got married to a poor person. Backstabber Cousin is scandalized and secretly so very glad.
Backstabber Cousin says the obvious things he's supposed to say: But she's so poor! You'll be ruined! And you won't be invited to Christmas dinner!
Ross' response is repetitive but to the point:
We get a montage of everyone talking about how "deranged" this marriage is. Pinky Ring is in major denial and pretends to play the harp. Verity is eating it all up 'cause now everyone will forget the scandal that was that one single date she went on.
Even the village prostitute has something to say.
Prostitute: "Is she beautiful?"
Ross: "...in a way."
Exsqueeze me?! How very dare you!
But I'll let it slide because it's directly followed by a quote that's way worse.
Malfoy's Uncle: "Doors which were open will be slammed in his face. His ventures will fail. And you can enjoy the sight of him in the gutter, along with his slut."
Can an anvil fall on this dude's head already?
Back at chez Ross, Mr. and Mrs. Pigpen tell Demelza this whole thing is weird because she's still technically doing maid things. Demelza agrees and has a freshman-year-of-college-existential-crisis. Who am I?? No, what am I? *takes a hit of some medicinal weed*
The next day, Ross gets bad news: the mine is not turning up any copper so he needs more funding to continue the digging or whatever. So he goes to meet with his rich donors and it isn't even a full 30 seconds before the village doctor says the following about people who don't have enough to eat: "Those who cannot feed, should not breed."
One more anvil please!
After taking Ross' rash behavior (his teenage misdemeanors, his freakout at Jim's trial, his marriage to a poor person) into consideration, some of the rich dudes decide not to give him any more money for the mine. Two dudes hand over some cash either because they're nice or they just felt too awkward to say no.
When Ross gets home, he gives Demelza a gift. It's a book. Um, who's gonna tell him she can't read? "To practice your letters!" I'm pretty sure handing an illiterate person a copy of Ulysses and expecting them to be educated by the mere sight of all the weird squiggly shapes on the page isn't how that works. He also gives her ribbon to tie up her "unruly mane." Ross is cute and all, but he's not really good at this whole not-making-a-woman-feel-like-total-crap thing.
Oh, and this exchange about their nascent marriage happens:
Demelza: "Nothing's changed."
Ross: "Nothing??"
Demelza: "I do get less sleep."
This next scene speaks for itself:
[Uncle is struggling to get on a horse to go see his mine.]
Verity: "Dr. Choke ordered bed rest!"
Uncle: "Dr. Choke doesn't have a failing mind or a son whose neither use nor ornament!"
Backstabber Cousin: "Touched by your faith, father."
Uncle: "Not sufficiently touched to act like a man!"
[Uncle's roast is interrupted by another heart attack.]
If one must die, one might as well go down talking sh*t about Backstabber Cousin.
Across town, Ross has a bit of a problem. You see, Demelza still acts like a poor person because marrying someone doesn't instantly change everything about you (imagine that!). She goes to the mine and says something about sticking a fork in her eye (soooo unladylike!) and she wrestles Mr. Pigpen to the ground for eating one of her pies (soooo unbecoming!). But Ross has a solution because he always does. I bet it involves hiring someone.
And there it is! He decides to hire recently incarcerated Jim's baby mama a.k.a. Child Bride to be Demelza's lady's maid. Having someone to look down on and order around should have her acting like an entitled rich person in no time!
Later, Ross heads over to hang out with his dying uncle. When he gets there, the doctor is bloodletting Uncle. Umm, I was an English major, but I'm pretty sure that's not the right thing to do.
Uncle, Verity and Ross talk about Ross' new marriage. Verity, down chick that she is, is thrilled for all the right reasons and congratulates Ross warmly. And then this happens:
Uncle: "Francis especially was quick to see the advantage..."
Verity: "Father!"
Ross: "Of what?"
Uncle: "A wife to divert you. He feels it marginally less likely that you'll ride over and steal Pinky Ring from him. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!"
Verity: "Father, compose yourself!"
Uncle: "HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OHHHHH MY HEART!!!!"
[Uncle has yet another heart attack.]
On his death bed, Uncle tells Ross: "We both know Backstabber Cousin is not the man you are." Damn. The only person who dislikes Backstabber Cousin more than me is his own father.
At the funeral, Backstabber Cousin basically hocks a loogie on his father's fresh grave:
Ross: "He'll be missed."
Backstabber Cousin: "Not by me. Is it terrible to feel nothing but relief?"
Um, yeah, I'd say so. At this rate, Backstabber Cousin is going to turn into the monster from Stranger Things by the end of the season.
At the funeral reception, the old lady with the tarot cards says Uncle probably died because he ate too much custard. Considering that the "doctor" was casually bloodletting, I'll take her medical opinion over his.
A few paces away, Malfoy and his uncle do what they do best: say super rude things loud enough for everyone to hear. Malfoy, who's supposed to be Backstabber Cousin's BFF, even name drops the prostitute they both have been sharing. Why do these two keep getting invites? Block them! Unfollow! Good day!
Upstairs, Pinky Ring does what she does best: feeling sorry for herself, while looking out a window. Verity interrupts her moping to say one of them has to go downstairs and play the hostess and it probably should be Pinky Ring because she's the mistress of the house and Verity is blacklisted as a harlot for going on one innocent date with a man who kind of sort of murdered his wife.
It soon becomes clear that all Pinky Ring's moping isn't about the person who just died at all:
Pinky Ring: "She didn't come. His wife..."
Verity: "This isn't the occasion."
Pinky Ring: "Will you give him my good wishes?"
Verity: "Shouldn't you do that yourself?"
Verity keeps it so real. She is the patron saint of "Girl, really?"
Later, Backstabber Cousin continues to be evil.
Backstabber Cousin: "You must be relieved."
Verity: "How?"
Backstabber Cousin: "You're not the only one to disgrace the family with an unsuitable attachment."
Hit 'em with another one, Verity:
Malfoy continues the tradition of being the mosquito that won't stop buzzing in your ear while you're sleeping. Ross is unbothered and basically says:
Malfoy gets even by cornering the disgraced doctor and buying his shares in Ross' mine from him.
Some days later, Ross has a surprise for Demelza: Verity is coming over for a slumber party! Demelza immediately has an anxiety attack.
All three of them sit for lunch and Verity catches them up on what's been going on at her house: Pinky Ring has been playing the harp (zzz), Pinky Ring has been speaking French to the baby (zzzzz), Verity has her needlework (zzzzzzzz) and old lady with the tarot cards, whose name is apparently Agatha, has her spinning (zzzzzzzzzzzz). While these fancy 18th century ladies have been bored out of their minds, Backstabber Cousin has been "often away."
Ross decides to go to work because the idea of forcing Verity and Demelza to make awkward cross-class small talk is hilarious. Verity is like:
At the mine, they can't find copper and are running out of money. Sounds like it's time for Ross to take my earlier advice of turning the mine into a spot where hipsters can buy overpriced avocado toast and fresh-pressed juices. He could make a fortune!
Back at home, Demelza and Verity are needlepointing in awkward silence. Demelza wonders what a fancy lady would do and thinks, I know! I'll ring the maid bell! I'll ask for tea! Fancy ladies love super hot beverages you spend 25 minutes blowing on and only 1 minute actually enjoying!
Faux pas alert: it's way too early for tea! Oops!
After what seems like an eternity, the girls get to the real talk. Demelza is like, You think I'm trash, right? And Verity is like, No, you are perfect for Ross. You're like his Rachel, you know? Oh, of course you don't know, that TV couple won't be imagined for some time. Anyway, you seem cool.
Like at most slumber parties, talk turns to love and boys. Demelza doesn't believe Ross will ever truly love her but:
"When we're abed, I have reason to believe I please him."
Verity is to a gospel hymn as Demelza is to Salt n Pepa's "Let's Talk About Sex."
But she's not judgmental 'cause she's a down chick with a heart of gold. "Do you think I care a jot where you come from or who your father is or how well you curtsey?"
Verity then teaches Demelza how to curtsey, dance, and set a table. It's basically a mash-up of the first parts of My Fair Lady and The Princess Diaries. Cute overload.
Also, despite the limits of time and space, Beyonce's impact is still felt in 18th century Cornwall:
