Jennifer Aniston: I'm Not Pregnant, and Y'all Need To Get a Life

Jennifer Aniston is one of those celebrities who provokes endless speculation not because of her outlandish debutante-like behavior, but because of her seeming normality: She's drop-dead gorgeous and fabulously wealthy, yes, but she's also something of a permanent girl next door. She got famous on one of America's most beloved sitcoms, for starters. And then there's her role in the celebrity love triangle that rocked the mid-aughts -- she the jilted good girl to Angelina Jolie's edgy, black swan temptress.

This is all, of course, utter bullsh*t perpetrated mostly by tabloids' bottom lines. It does, however, provide some context for why the media has been fixated since time immemorial on whether or not Jennifer Aniston is pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant, sad that she is not pregnant, or some variation thereof. It's your nagging Aunt Gertie reminding you over the phone from Florida that you're not getting any younger, you know -- only on a world stage. Seems fun!

Well, she's apparently had enough. Aniston just penned an open letter in the Huffington Post decrying the media's objectification of women, alongside journalists' fixation on her childfree existence and when it will end.

If I am some kind of symbol to some people out there, then clearly I am an example of the lens through which we, as a society, view our mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, female friends and colleagues. The objectification and scrutiny we put women through is absurd and disturbing. The way I am portrayed by the media is simply a reflection of how we see and portray women in general, measured against some warped standard of beauty. ...

The message that girls are not pretty unless they’re incredibly thin, that they’re not worthy of our attention unless they look like a supermodel or an actress on the cover of a magazine is something we’re all willingly buying into. This conditioning is something girls then carry into womanhood. We use celebrity “news” to perpetuate this dehumanizing view of females, focused solely on one’s physical appearance, which tabloids turn into a sporting event of speculation. Is she pregnant? Is she eating too much? Has she let herself go? Is her marriage on the rocks because the camera detects some physical “imperfection”?

And:

I have grown tired of being part of this narrative. Yes, I may become a mother some day, and since I’m laying it all out there, if I ever do, I will be the first to let you know. But I’m not in pursuit of motherhood because I feel incomplete in some way, as our celebrity news culture would lead us all to believe. I resent being made to feel “less than” because my body is changing and/or I had a burger for lunch and was photographed from a weird angle and therefore deemed one of two things: “pregnant” or “fat.”

If you've ever spent five minutes reading an Us Weekly "article" featuring photos of Aniston or another celebrity with circles drawn over their body parts, take five minutes and read the whole thing here. All in all, it's a compelling yet (sorry) highly relatable message for Aniston to send.

Truth be told, the only thing I find to be slightly off the mark in this piece is the implication that she ever eats burgers for lunch. Sorry, Jen. Otherwise: Go on with your bad (gorgeous, 47-year-old) self. I'm not holding my breath, but Aunt Gertie really should find a better hobby.