Millennials Monthly: Weak-Handed Drone Enthusiasts In Existential Crisis

Greetings, Millennial compatriots, as well as members of other generations with a vested interest in identifying and tracking which products and services Millennials are most likely to use!

As I've written previously, June was a difficult month to be a human being, let alone a young human being. Nerves are raw. World markets are in a state of tumult.

It's cold comfort, to be sure, but if you're looking for one thing you can count on to stay the same, rest assured that no matter what was happening to Millennials in the actual world these past few weeks, the internet's preference for clickable, digestible, easily mockable info-tainment masquerading as scientific study will always prevail. Sure, there were a few stories about how Millennials felt following the Brexit vote, but. But on the whole, understandable reactions to complex socio-political crises aren't marketable, silly! (Yet. If you have a business idea, let's talk.)

Without further ado, then: In June 2016, we learned that Millennials are...

Really bad at opening jars. A study of Americans ages 20 to 34 showed than men under 30 have weaker "hand grips" and "lateral pinch" than the same age group did in 1985; same with women 20 to 24. "Work patterns have changed dramatically since 1985, when the first norms were established ... as a society, we're no longer agricultural or manufacturing," explains Elizabeth Fain, the study's lead author, who probably has also never lifted a shovel in her life, I mean come on. "What we're doing more now is technology-related, especially for millennials." (Said study was published online by the Journal of Hand Therapy, which is a great little rag to know about if there's an occupational therapist in your life who's just so hard to shop for!)

In need of management. Millennial management. Forbes has really emerged as a leader when it comes to stories that treat young people as a sort of pitiful-but-endearing foreign species, and this piece on how to manage Millennials in an office environment continues that trend beautifully. According to Millennial expert and management expert and Millennial management expert Victor Lipman, here are some things supervisors of Millennials should do, which are clearly very different from things supervisors of regular people should do: "Listen," "coach," and "provide feedback." Omg bae, totes!

Spending all our time on job boards -- for our parents and ourselves. According to this study, our innate Millennial understanding of technology and social media can actually be useful to our Baby Boomer predecessors. "According to a survey conducted by the AARP Public Policy Institute, 45 percent of job-seekers between the ages of 45 and 70 sought assistance with some aspect of their job search, most often with preparing their résumé, but also with operating a computer and using social media. The most popular source of such help was family and friends." Offer up that little factoid the next time someone disparages your #tbt addiction.

"Doomed To Face An Existential Crisis That Will Define The Rest Of Their Lives." Damn, Forbes. Back at it again with the alarmist headline game. Just read this one.

Cocky about our investing skills. What I got from this article is we're more quick to sell our stocks in an economic downturn than our parents are, because we haven't been around long enough to see that these things happen sometimes. Makes sense, and I might apply this wisdom to my life or share it with my fellow Millennials, if I knew any who had enough money to spend some of it investing in the stock market in any real way.

More likely to eat fast food if we associate its corporate headquarters with Oprah, or something? It's no secret that we Millennials have not been great for the fast food business -- but McDonald's has an ace up its sleeve: Moving its headquarters to downtown Chicago.

"We are a brand on the move in more ways than one," Steve Easterbrook, McDonald's president and chief executive, said in a statement Monday. "Moving our headquarters to Chicago is another significant step in our journey to build a better McDonald's. This world-class environment will continue to drive business momentum by getting us even closer to customers, encouraging innovation and ensuring great talent is excited about where they work."

Yeah, I don't get it either.

Poised to make "drone racing" the "new NASCAR." This feels tangentially related to that weak grip thing -- I guess because it's about a "sport" in which not only do the spectators not move but no human physical exertion is required on the parts of the competitor. In any event, here's the best quote from this story: "Mountain Dew is most comfortable when we are pushing the boundaries of what's possible, whether it be technology, style or just having a damn good time," said Michael Craig, senior marketing manager, Mountain Dew.

Living at home. Really. Still. This Washington Post story, fresh off the presses today, purports to examine the "real" reason so many Millennials are living at home. Spoiler alert! It's because we're underemployed, because the market crashed right around the time we got out of college and it never really recovered. But hey, everyone, definitely keep funding these studies and printing these stories every single day. In the meantime, Mom, if you need us, we'll be in our room. We can help you with your LinkedIn! Just don't ask to us to open a jar.

What'd I miss? Email me: esilvers@kqed.org.