Last month, I wrote "This is what the Full House cast would have looked like in an alternate dimension where everything right is wrong" about the atrocity that is the first official cast photo from Lifetime's Full House movie. They couldn't find someone better than an ex of Miley Cyrus to pay homage to most '90s girls and gay boys' first crush Uncle Jesse. Same goes for the actor cast as Danny Tanner, whose most interesting credit on IMDb is that he played a Marine in Pirates of the Caribbean…the video game. And the geometric shapes, funky musical notes and yarn people adornments from the Tanner girls' outfits were swapped out for boring floral patterns. It can't get any worse, I thought.
But it just did with this clip from the movie. Let's watch, shall we?
Okay, wait. Why are they in the living room from Everybody Loves Raymond? It's like these producers have never even seen an episode of the show. Anyway, I digress...
The gang tries to stop Uncle Joey from dumping Michelle outside. Dark. Then, Uncle Jesse talks smack about the stupid babies he has to work with and tries to get them fired. And then Danny Tanner talks about wanting to install a pole and invite some strippers over in front of a young bemused Stephanie. Yikes.