Huffington Post's Tips on Impressing Millennials Read Like the Onion

Photo: Paramount Pictures

Not a day goes by without some think piece on Millennials. A quick Google search shows that, within the last 24 hours, articles have been written about whether we're ready to lead, how we stare at our phones for 30% of live shows, how apps might help us think buses are cool, how we're not interested in average cars,  how we think dropping the atomic bomb on Japan was way harsh, and on and on.

Two years ago, Time Magazine called us the "Me Me Me Generation" and branded anyone born between 1980 and 1995 as "narcissistic, overconfident, entitled and lazy." Many of the essays on Millennials tend to be written by Baby Boomers and come from a place of judgment. But there's a shift happening. Now pieces about how you can get in with or learn how to deal with Millennials are cropping up. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

The Huffington Post published an article today called "5 Ways To Impress Tech-Savvy Millennials." The post is harmless and doesn't condescend like most of the other articles written by someone from an older generation. It also happens to be hilarious in how it misunderstands what will actually impress a young(ish) person.

Jan Golden, the writer of the piece and founder of something called BoomerWebSchool.com, wants to help older individuals avoid judgment from "the most notorious eye-rollers." These shady Millennials might be "heading up an event for a nonprofit you're passionate about" or sitting in the "audience at a meet-up you're holding to promote your new book," after all. How does a Luddite get the Millennial stamp of approval?

Tip 1: "Instead of taking out a pad of paper, open your notes app and take notes on your smartphone."

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Millennials might be more aware of the rainforests, but they still use paper. No need to hide your legal pads. But yes, we might eye roll if you print out a gazillion copies of something for a 30 minute meeting. Think of the Amazon! And the notes app is only for your karaoke song ideas list. Everyone knows that.

Tip 2: "If someone you meet is short on business cards, pull out your smartphone to take a picture of their card instead of taking their last one."

This situation has never happened and will never happen. Next.

Tip 3: "If you encounter small print, use your smartphone camera as a magnifying glass that zooms in text so you can clearly read it. You'll feel like MacGyver -- but don't say it out loud, since 30-somethings likely won't know who you're talking about."

That's pretty clever. But denigrating someone for the quality of their eyesight is not something that happens outside of third grade. And 30-somethings know who MacGyver is. One never forgets a feathery mullet.

Tip 4: "If you encounter something interesting [on social media], mention it when you meet a millennial. Say, for instance, 'I saw that awesome photo of the new product you posted on Insta. Tell me more about it.'"

We do love Instagram, that's true. And you should totally join and like all of our photos. It's the surest way to our hearts. But calling it Insta is doing the most, as the kids say (urban dictionary translation: "Trying way too hard to be impressive but only causing self-embarrassment").

Tip 5: "To really blow a millennial's mind, pull out your smartphone and pay at the register."

The only way to get us to care about what you do at the register is to buy us stuff. Millennials, like most other humans, like free things.

Tip 6: "Expressing amazement at what you hear about advancements in technology is a good way to out yourself as a dinosaur."

Have you met a Millennial? We are all about expressing amazement with abandon. We deal exclusively in superlatives. Everything is either awesome, epic or iconic. Still getting excited about things means you're still curious about the world and aspire to know things beyond what you grew up with. This makes you a more interesting person. Oh, and no sweat on being a dinosaur; they're cool again.

Tip 7: "When you find yourself in a situation trying to increase your tech savviness, don't ask a younger person a lame question. Save those questions for friends and family, or, better yet, research and fix these issues yourself."

Yes! Now we're getting somewhere! Questions are fine. Most Millennials are nice and don't mind helping out another human being. But, before you seek us out for an explanation of what a gif is or how to retweet someone, you could always Google it or find a YouTube tutorial. We do it all the time, when we don't know how to do something, and you can too!

Now, if I may suggest some tips on how older people can get in the good graces of Millennials:

Tip 1: Treat us like equals.

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That's about it! Now everyone can stop picking our generation apart for clicks and magazine covers, right? Right.

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