Let’s Wildly Speculate about the First Photos from 'X-Men: Apocalypse'

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Photo: Entertainment Weekly
Photo: Entertainment Weekly

It seems like we get a new superhero reboot, sequel, prequel or spinoff every few weeks. I ignore most of them. But never X-Men. My allegiance to the '90s cartoon series is too strong to ever overlook any output from that section of the Marvel universe. So I was pretty pumped when Entertainment Weekly released a handful of photos that give us our first look at X-Men: Apocalypse. Let's overanalyze them, shall we?

Photo: Alan Markfield / Entertainment Weekly

Let's start with the good. Storm is not being played by Halle Berry. Hallelujah! She's also rocking a mohawk, a version of the character that has a history of being the best kind of bad ass, from making out with Wolverine just cause she feels like it to challenging Cyclops' white male privilege. Psylocke, played by Olivia Munn, is similarly killing it in the style department. She's an under-appreciated character in the X-Men universe (she only got one or two cameos in the animated series) so it's good to see her finally getting her deserved place in the film series.

And then there's Apocalypse. The villain is supposed to be a towering, brutal blue giant. Here, he is played by Oscar Isaac, who is 5'9". Apocalypse is supposed to be the biggest and the baddest. We're supposed to believe that he could truly precipitate the end of the world. All this depiction accomplishes is reminding us of Ivan Ooze, the villain from the Power Rangers movie:



Photo: Alan Markfield / Entertainment Weekly

This shot of Michael Fassbender as Magneto looks like a screen test for Drive (you know, the movie in which Ryan Gosling wears a fly scorpion jacket and kills people in elevators). That blurry guy in the background is wearing a bib, perhaps to catch the drool that results from feasting eyes on Fassbender? Yeah, that's probably it.

Photo: Alan Markfield / Entertainment Weekly

The gang finally gets around to watching "2 Girls 1 Cup." If you don't understand that reference, please wait until you're not at work to Google it. Better yet, just stay in the dark on this one.

Photo: Alan Markfield / Entertainment Weekly

Jennifer Lawrence (Mystique) gets to wear more than just blue paint in this movie. She's staring down Magneto's son Quicksilver and probably about to ask him "Was that you going through my laundry?" or "Why do you only look 5 years younger than your dad?"

Photo: Alan Markfield / Entertainment Weekly

Director Bryan Singer is most likely breaking it to Apocalypse that he is actually on the wrong set and has to leave immediately. The Power Rangers reboot is shooting across town. Or maybe, just maybe, Singer is explaining how they can actually bring about the end of the world by pissing off all X-Men fans everywhere with this wack portrayal. Were the Mayans right, after all? We'll know for sure if the studio changes the release date from May 27, 2016 to December 21, 2016. Tell your family you love them just in case.