0:12 - Oh, it's Finnick (Sam Claflin), a.k.a. the hottest guy to brandish a trident since Ariel's dad. He somehow has two dimples just in case the first one didn't scream I AM DESIRABLE AND YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ME enough. He's getting married to a Jessica Chastain clone.
0:14 - Effie approves of their tasteful first kiss (just the right amount of tongue). Gale (Liam Hemsworth) and Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) are bored in the background.
0:17 - The nuptials inspire District 13's very first honky tonk.
0:20 - Effie pets Katniss' dominatrix outfit, while wearing a layered weave dress. Katniss looks in the mirror, wishing she were in sweats.
0:24 - Jennifer Lawrence uses her gravely I-just-woke-up-hungover-and-super-thirsty voice to say that President Snow (Donald Sutherland) must pay for what he has done, mainly stinking up the place with his rose smell and bleeding everywhere.
0:29 - Someone tells Katniss that "one way or another, this war is going to come to an end." Translation: no, you cannot make a Mockingjay Part 3.
0:30 - Katniss watches a speaker, looking as pissed as she did at Finnick's wedding. Such an ISTP.
0:34 - Katniss smiles! Haymitch touches her knee! I ship this!
0:39 - Philip Seymour Hoffman again. Stop trying to make us cry, Lionsgate!
0:41 - President Snow is wearing gloves indoors surrounded by his white friends, with dark-skinned servants standing in the background. With a name like that, it makes sense that he's racist.
0:44 - Storm troopers stand on moving vehicles cause they saw that M.I.A. video, where she's straight up chilling on the side of a BMW, filing her nails, and thought Hey, I wanna do that!
0:45 - Katniss dances with her little sister, Prim (Willow Shields). It's really cute, but would be cuter if her cat was in on this. If Romy and Michele have taught us anything, it's that three is not the loneliest number, but actually the perfect formula for a killer dance sequence.
0:49 - A pissed off Charlize Theron in Monster looking lady flares her nostrils.
0:52 - A rocket launcher blows up an important looking building. Have we learned nothing from the Library of Alexandria? This is why we can't have nice things or historical records.
0:59 - Katniss walks to the Capitol. I don't think they get America's Next Top Model in Panem because her walk needs a lot of work. Where's the side tooch?
1:04 - Oh, no. Peeta (Josh Hutcherson) is crying. Don't cry, Peeta. I was confused when I said I was Team Gale after reading the first book. And I shouldn't have said that I ship Haymitch and Katniss before. It was always you.
1:06 - Katniss is nuzzling into Peeta's neck. He isn't trying to murder her anymore! Hurray!
1:10 - Young rebels throw up their Mockingjay gang sign and Katniss is pleased with her brand. Take that, goop.com!
1:11 - An armored car explodes and flips over. They were probably just trying to merge onto the freeway. Driving is really hard! Just ask Dionne.
1:14 - Katniss rocks an emerald hooded cape. Yaaas, Katniss, you look so good. Oh my god, yaaas.
1:16 - Gale looks like he's about to do something wrong, like break Miley Cyrus' heart again.
1:17 - More explosions because that's the way to American movie-goers' hearts.
1:18 - President Snow smells.
1:21 - Some girl gets stuck on a land mine or finds a hidden hatch or something?
1:23 - Everyone runs from a flood of black liquid. Your move, elevator in The Shining.
1:35 - Finnick smolders and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 76th Hunger Games."