First Photo of Lifetime's Full House TV Movie Will Damage Your Vision

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It's no secret that I'm a Full House fan. I've written about how crestfallen I felt when news of a reunion were false and how excited I was when that news came true. Also, coworkers can attest to the young adult novel based on the series that is prominently displayed in my cubicle (in case you're wondering, it's Stephanie's The Big Fix-Up Mix-Up). So I'm obviously going to have feelings about Lifetime's The Unauthorized Full House Story TV movie.

First question: why are they doing this? When they gave Saved by the Bell the same treatment, it kind of made sense because there would probably be some famous-teens-run-amok-in-Hollywood behind-the-scenes dirt (there wasn't). Most of the Full House cast was made up of children so how scandalous can it really get? Maybe there will be a dramatic reenactment of Ashley Olsen spilling some of her Capri Sun or Mary-Kate wiping a booger on someone?

Despite the fact that we no one wants this TV movie, Lifetime is set on doing it anyway, as evidenced by this official cast photo they just released:

Photo: Lifetime
Photo: Lifetime

My initial impressions can be best expressed in gif form:
jurassic park gif  cryBaby karen will grace gif giphy giphy (1)

This is what the Full House cast would have looked like in an alternate dimension where everything right is wrong. Uncle Jesse, who many of us had the hots for before we knew what that meant, has been the most disgraced here. He's being played by one of Miley Cyrus' ex-boyfriends, and not even the one who inspired much of her actually-very-good album Bangerz! Uncle Joey did not fare much better. Somewhere, Alanis Morissette is smiling to herself. Danny Tanner is being played by someone whose most interesting credit on IMDb is that he played a Marine in Pirates of the Caribbean...the video game. And the Tanner girls are dressed all wrong. So much floral.


Where are the geometric shapes?

dj full house

The funky musical notes?


The yarn people adornments?

michelle full house

And where oh where is Kimmy's mullet?

kimmy gibbler full house

This isn't rocket science, Lifetime. Google Image search is your friend. And y'all should have just gotten John Stamos to reprise his role because he still has it going on. And the worst part about this whole thing is that, because of this grotesque cast photo, there is a 97% chance I will actually watch your god-forsaken TV movie. So I guess kudos are in order.