Let's start at the very beginning: the red carpet. All the stars were decked in their finest, but only two get a shout-out in this post because... well, just look at this:
Bradley Cooper tracing Lady Gaga's nose in A Star Is Born, but then make it fashion. Pose's Indya Moore did that! She also has issued a challenge to us mere mortals: step up your selfie game!
Not to be upstaged, another Pose star, Billy Porter, twirled into our hearts in this ensemble.
The cape took six months to make so the least I can do is feature a second gif of it in all its glory.
I don't know who these people are, but find you a man who will unfurl your train for you.
Okay, onto the actual show.
The Golden Globes managed to find not one, but two hosts without homophobic pasts. See, producers of the Oscars, it's really not that hard!
Shout out to Sandra Oh and Mr. Joanna Newsom for being unproblematic and openly lusting after Michael B. Jordan and Bradley Cooper.
Technically, the following moment is not a gif, but it's one of the best moments of the entire broadcast. Enjoy!
The hosts weren't the only power couple in the house.
Enter Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph, who are as in love with each other as we are with them.
Looks that say "Come hither," as well as "Um, hire us to host things, you big dummies!"
While we're on the topic of hot couples...
This is your semi-regular reminder that Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig have been getting naked with each other for the past eight years! They even have a kid!
These two cuties also have a kid. Her name is Sandra Oh!
And let's not forget these two:
I'm not a great lip reader, but it appears as though Keri Russell is shouting: ALL FOUR SEASONS OF FELICITY ARE STREAMING ON HULU RIGHT NOW! WHY ARE YOU READING THIS POST INSTEAD OF BINGE-WATCHING ALL 84 EPISODES?!
And our final #CoupleGoals entry goes to Halle Berry and Lena Waithe...
...the fictional romantic item snatched right out of the erotic lesbian fanfic I was writing last night.
Speaking of eroticism...
...Sam Elliott, GILF extraordinaire, could get it.
Someone who absolutely does not qualify for GILF status is Michael Douglas.
He might have won an award this year, but we still remember how he blamed going down on his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones, for his throat cancer. I wish I was making this up.
Another older man, Jeff Bridges, also won a big honor (the Cecil B. DeMille Award).
Oprah won the same award last year. You probably remember her inspiring speech that had many Americans hoping for a presidential bid. Jeff Bridges' remarks were... not like that at all.
Ok, that's true, but why are you shouting?
None of that is sensical or catchy enough to be a winning presidential campaign slogan. But this wonderfully relatable message from Patricia Arquette absolutely is:
Another relatable gem came from The Favourite's Olivia Colman, who sounds like me after I go to a movie theater that serves food and cocktails:
Want to feel better about the world? Then look no further than the cuteness of Regina King's son celebrating her win.
When the band started to play her off, King shut them up by delivering an empowering feminist message that got Jessica Chastain on her feet.
Green Book screenwriter Peter Farrelly dealt with the music in a different way:
A lot of this year's winners were head-scratchers.
Some series called The Kominsky Method kept beating shows people have actually heard of.
Bohemian Rhapsody beat Black Panther, If Beale Street Could Talk, Blackkklansman and A Star Is Born. (In what universe?!?)
And Green Book beat out The Favourite. (I'm going to need a recount. Jill Stein, can you help?)
My face during a majority of the 2019 Golden Globes:
But not all the surprises were necessarily bad. Take this one for instance:
That's the face you make when everyone has been telling you Lady Gaga is definitely going to win Best Actress in a Drama over you, but then doesn't.
Glenn Close is stunned! And also girding herself for the onslaught of Gaga's Little Monsters, who are about to attack her on Twitter.
But, judging by the standing ovation she receives, she's got an army of her own, including Nicole Kidman, who is clapping like a normal person this year.
In case you need reminding:
It doesn't get much better than Nicole's weird clap, so that's all, folks! Here's hoping you'll come back for our Grammys and Oscars coverage next month!
Wondering who else won? Check out the full list of winners.