8:00pm: You roll up to the venue and immediately spot tweens, teens, moms, dads, gays, you name it, in ceremonial garb. Two girls are dressed as cats with the lyrics "I guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats" on their backs. You smile at them.
8:10pm: The back of your jacket is embroidered with the Clarissa Explains It All logo. You realize this will be lost on this crowd, as most of these people were born after that show went off the air.
8:15pm: But look, not everyone is a decade younger than you! The boys you just parked next to are around your age!
8:16pm: OMG, DO NOT LOOK! One of them is a past fling! Even in a crowd that is majority pre-pubescent, never underestimate the risk of running into an ex. You pretend to look for something in the glove compartment until your neighbors move along.
8:20pm: After waiting an appropriate amount of time, you two get out of the car and start the trek toward the stadium, stopping to look at a replica of the throne from the "Look What You Made Me Do" music video. You feel too cool to actually sit on it for a selfie, before remembering that, as an elder Millennial at a Taylor Swift concert, you are in no way too cool for this photo-op.
8:25pm: As opener Camilla Cabello, your least favorite Fifth Harmony member, warbles in the distance, security makes your friend and all the other women in line dump all belongings out of their purses and into clear plastic bags. Tampons, vape pens, and other personal effects are now fully on display. But who cares? You are all family at this Taylor concert.
8:28pm: A woman runs up to you and gushes about your Clarissa Explains It All jacket. You feel less alone.
8:30pm: Once inside, you're on a mission to get as much wine as possible. The lines are DMV long. Your friend spots a beer kiosk that people don't realize also sells wine. You get two mini bottles each because you know how to party.
8:40pm: Getting onto the field is way harder than you realized. As Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" blasts, you worry that you won't make it in time. Thankfully, you spot what you think are your seats, just as the lights drop and the first beats of "Ready For It" hit the speakers.
8:41pm: Taylor's hooded silhouette appears and everyone loses their you-know-what. Gone is the Oh-my-gosh-y'all-I'm-so-shocked-you-paid-to-see-little-old-me routine. Dark and emo Taylor has risen.
8:45pm: Taylor greets the audience. Just like three years ago, you and your friend hope she refers to the crowd as the Bay Area instead of Santa Clara. She disappoints again.
8:46pm: Taylor introduces you to the band and every single backup dancer by name. You're touched that she would do this at the top of the show, instead of as an afterthought at the very end like most pop stars do. (It's also possible that you're not so much touched as starting to get tipsy, but who's counting?) You and your friend agree that putting a spotlight on the supporting cast is a way better look than trotting out a small army of model friends, à la the 1989 tour.
8:48pm: "I Did Something Bad" comes on. Taylor head bangs and says the word "sh-t." Thousands of little ears are covered.
8:50pm: Taylor makes up for cursing by plastering cute images of her cats all over the screens and performing "Gorgeous," a song that's essentially a Lisa Frank folder in musical form.
8:52pm: Taylor asks you to jump. You and your friend decline. Preventing your wine from spilling is more important.
8:55pm: "Style" comes on and everyone knows the words. This return to pre-Reputation music feels like a release. Ahhh, the days when Obama was in charge and the most controversial thing about Taylor was that she had a messy conscious uncoupling with Harry Styles of One Direction.
8:56pm: The girl next to you says something to you. You think, Aw, yay, she probably wants to bond over how you both wish Taylor had promoted this song more. Instead, she says, "You're in my mom's seat! Move!"
8:57pm: She's right. You were in the wrong seat this whole time. Finding the right one requires awkwardly squeezing against at least a dozen people. If strong side-eyes can hex a person, consider yourself cursed.
8:58pm: When you realize your actual seat is even closer than your previous spot, you make a Taylor-just-won-an-award-and-is-so-shocked face.
9:00pm: Taylor reaches even further back into her discography with a mashup of "Love Story" and "You Belong With Me." You get way too excited by the pink heart backdrop (this may or may not be related to the two mini bottles of wine, which are now empty under your seat).
9:05pm: Time to go back to grown-up Taylor with "Look What You Made Me Do," which both you and your friend agree was a horrendous choice for a first single. Taylor and her dancers play around on a weird golden see-saw, while an inflatable snake grows to 40 feet behind them. You love a budget.
9:08pm: The lights go dark and a video of a phone ringing plays. Tiffany Haddish picks up to deliver the "Old Taylor can't come to the phone right now. Why? Cause she's dead!" line. (Fun fact: these two became friends after they appeared on the same episode of Saturday Night Live. After Taylor referenced jokes from Tiffany's early stand-up days, Tiffany decided: "Oh, I like this b-tch!")
9:10pm: Ed Sheeran does not come out to rap his portion of "End Game." It's for the best.
9:14pm: No one seems to know the words to "King of My Heart," a non-single track on the latter half of Reputation. You are offended. And these ten-year-olds call themselves fans!
9:19pm: The time has come for the first Taylor TED Talk of the evening. During the 1989 tour, she covered topics such as dissociating yourself from what others think of you, and why people who wait four hours to text you back are the scum of the earth. The message this time around is how grateful she is that her fans understood that she needed to go away for a while and figure out what life would be like without a spotlight on it. "Thanks for being here when I got back," she says.
9:22pm: Taylor continues by talking about how brave it is to reach out for human connection and how everyone feels alone sometimes. Basically it's REM's "Everybody Hurts" as a soliloquy. Just like at the last tour, your friend quietly weeps, as does the girl who shot the video below:
9:25pm: Taylor ends with a thesis statement: Relationships are just delicate, you know? Then, her latest single "Delicate" starts to play (see what she did there?). Taylor gets into a light-up flying orb and travels across the stadium to a stage towards the back of the field. People are screaming louder than they probably did for the Wright brothers' first flight.
9:26pm: You're not above joining them. A demon takes over your vocal chords, compelling you to scream Taylor's name: