Larry Lee shares about the challenges of taking care of his aging parents.
This holiday season as I gathered with friends, I was struck with how many of us were dealing with having to be caregivers. It’s a role one can’t totally prepare for but inevitably has to take on as a natural outcome of having aging parents and partners. My caregiving journey brought with it a plethora of consequential choices filled with unpredictable twists and turns. All I had were unanswerable questions about how to care for my parent’s needs. Whether to have my parents stay at home or to hire in-home caregivers or to consider assisted living? It also tapped into my family’s weak links as each member has to rise to the challenge of how to work together.
Not the least was the additional challenge of finding oneself in a position as an adult child taking over decision-making for parents in a Chinese American family where an elder’s power is unquestioned. When my parents became frailer with increased fall-risk, it became very apparent that more in-home care and supervision was necessary. With each major modification came resistance from my parents that required patience and compassionate understanding.
It became more of a struggle to strike the delicate balance around how to preserve my mother and father’s independence and dignity while also ensuring their safety living at home as they requested. I was determined to do my best to honor their wishes. A major stressor about caregiving is how to endure persistent uncertainty because no one has a crystal ball to know when the ultimate end would be.
I came to realize that the only way I could persevere in this marathon was to find some space for self-care to balance “others care,” easier said than done. It was comforting just to be in the company of those carrying the same heavy load on this journey, to feel less alone. Empathy and understanding goes a long way. Where little needs to be said other than, “I get it. I know it’s hard. Hang in there.” With a Perspective, I’m Larry Lee.