Jenny Fan Raj: Finding Common Ground

Jenny Fan Raj gives an update on navigating tough conversations with her family on Thanksgiving.

Last year, I wrote a perspective about navigating political differences at the Thanksgiving table, and then another with an update on how it turned out to be more complicated than I’d expected.

This year, as we head towards another family get-together, it feels even more urgent to be able to hold meaningful conversations that allow us to look past polarized opinions and see the person behind the vote. It hasn’t been an easy year for me. It feels like I’ve been traversing eleven months of anxiety, each day bringing news that makes me worry about the future of this country and my children’s place within it.

More than ever, I yearn for the comfort of my bubble in the Bay Area, where I can find validation for my concerns and relish in shared outrage. When we’re assaulted by the news cycle, it’s natural to choose the soothing reverberations of our preferred echo chamber. But while self-care is important, it does not promote progress. We
need to get better at being uncomfortable in order to make change.

What does that look like? My siblings and I have taken our conversation beyond once-a-year gatherings into casual lunches and even our group chat. Instead of focusing on the few things we disagree tremendously about, we look for the nuance, and anchor ourselves on common
ground.

By doing so, we found that we’re driven by the same things: love for our children, a desire for respect, hope for a better future. Seeing the humanity in my siblings allows me to see how it might also exist in many of those I consider to be on the other side. I’ve been thinking about the phrase “we find what we look for,” because these days it is all too easy to find demons in those who we disagree with.

What if, instead of focusing on erasing the bad, we start from our common goodness? Just because we can’t change each other’s minds, doesn’t mean we can’t help pull each other back from the extremes. By conversing to understand, rather than judge, we may just find our way back to each other again. With a Perspective, I’m Jenny Fan Raj.

Jenny Fan Raj is a design strategist and writer. She serves on the board of Challenge Success, whose mission is to transform the student experience by centering on student well-being and belonging. Current obsessions include ropes courses, travel and all things fruit. She lives in San Francisco with her husband and two children.