Cheryl Downes McCoy: Choosing to Love

Cheryl Downes McCoy shares about what it was like raising a child who identifies as transgender and why supporting them is so important.

When my child was born, I welcomed an incredible little being. Their gender wasn’t in doubt until they reached puberty when, as they began to develop female physical characteristics, I watched my once happy kid grow depressed and withdrawn, always hunched to hide their hated body under baggy clothes. At age 14, they were finally able to put words to their experience, and summon the courage to come out to me as trans.

Can you imagine being a teenage boy, and trying to fit in with your peers who have changing voices and growing beards, while your body is flooded with estrogen?

I helped my son navigate the complex paperwork required to correct his name and gender marker, birth certificate, social security card and passport. So many forms and fees, letters from doctors and legal judgments.

We found doctors and psychiatrists who specialized in gender-affirming care and got him started on Testosterone. We learned that when kids come out after puberty has begun, it’s important to help them transition as quickly as possible (not wait until they’re 18) for the sake of their mental health.

A tiny percentage of people do express regret transitioning. But, what we do know is that trans kids who are supported are 40 percent less likely to kill themselves than those who are not supported. So, if we can trust our child to know who they are, they are far more likely to live to find out if they were right.

The current administration is actively working to erase trans people from existence, denying their rights to healthcare, making it impossible for them to update legal documents and promoting junk science to demonize and criminalize supportive parents and doctors.

I don’t understand this cruelty. We don’t get to decide who our children are. We only get to decide if we will love them.

As the parent of a trans child — now a trans adult — who is alive and happy in his own skin, I suggest we choose love. With a Perspective, I’m Cheryl Downes McCoy.

Cheryl Downes McCoy is a writer and interfaith chaplain-in-training. She lives in Oakland.