Isabel Daniels reflects on one of life’s most difficult losses: the loss of a friendship.
Grief is weird, especially when you’re mourning someone that isn’t dead.
I cried when each of my dogs died, and it took a year for me to recover. However, I didn’t cry when I cut my best friend off, even though it’s almost been three years and I haven’t been able to move on.
I remember who she was before everything had fallen apart.
I can’t even go to a gas station or the park near my house anymore without her ghost lingering. I can’t look at soda tabs, cherry-flavored candy or red-black flannels the same. I can’t listen to her favorite bands or see her favorite books in a different light. I can’t even reflect on my softball years without remembering her.
I still think about those moments where I saw a stranger instead of her; a two-faced space cadet who craved what I couldn’t give. Then I think of the girl who had been my pen pal and sent letters. The girl whose address, birthday, likes and dislikes I still remember.
Our friendship ended because she caused me more stress than joy in the end. But I didn’t send those messages on a whim or out of hate. And I won’t ever blame her for what happened. Of course, I still wonder how she’s doing. If she’s finally gotten help or still struggling. Those thoughts have gotten quieter, but never completely silent.
I think a part of me will always care about her, because she once meant everything to me. I know I can live the rest of my life without seeing her again, because I know she is not who she once was or could’ve been.
Losing a best friend can be one of the hardest things in life. A piece of you now lost and cannot be replaced. If you understand that pain, I sympathize with you. But I share this story because I want closure and to finally move on from this chapter.
No one tells you how hard it is to choose between self-preservation and someone you care about. Deciding to end a friendship will have you frequently questioning if you made the right call. If you were right or wrong. But, sometimes, you just have to.
With a Perspective, I’m Isabel Daniels.
Isabel Daniels is a high school student. They live in Fairfield.