Fear is intrinsic to the human experience, but a childhood memory had Elisabeth Scharbaum thinking about the possibilities of reexamining our fear responses.
The need to be safe, or unafraid, is one of the most elemental human needs. I have been dealing with my fears for as long as I can remember but recently, triggered by a childhood memory that arose, a new insight came along.
It is a story about fear and what I did not learn. Arriving at my uncle’s garden one afternoon, I was greeted by his new puppy boxer, who jumped on me, put his paws on my shoulders, startling and scaring me greatly. The adults said: “He wants to play!”, yet quickly put him on a leash to protect me. Protected I was – but also did not learn that what I conceived as a threat was, from the other’s perspective, a request for connection.
What if, instead of putting Oscar on a leash, the grown-ups had taken a little extra time to show me how to play with him by standing by and introducing us? I would have learned something very important and would have made a new friend.
This story is not told to complain about my uncle and his family, to the contrary. I have many fond memories of them, their garden, the warmth and generosity of heart with which they always met me and that I am hoping to play forward. And, in trying to do so, I wonder: how much of our fear reactions are a quick move to protection before we even know that we need protection? How often does even suspicion lead us to a closed-off mode and when is it really necessary? For me, I hope to insert a little “Oscar” moment now every time fear or even doubt arise. Can I learn to delay defense mode by simply asking “what else could be true” first?