Oliver River Satalich : An Ode to Girlhood

Oliver River Satalich is not a girl, but their childhood as a girl taught them valuable lessons about life and self-discovery.

I am not a woman, but girlhood lives in me — ribbons of femininity were woven through me as a child and taught me who I am.

For me, girlhood is synonymous with childhood because it’s the only chapter of my life where I was a girl. I was raised with the expectation that I would become a woman, and even though I didn’t, the lessons I learned from girlhood are still embedded into my life.

My girlhood was uninhibited, wild, and free. I hadn’t yet internalized the world’s misogyny, and I wasn’t bound to the expectations of being a “proper” girl — not that I ever tried to be proper.

When I was a girl, with dirty blonde hair and a fear of monkey bars, I was unafraid of acting strange. I made “potions” out of twigs and leaves, read “Warrior Cats,” and pretended my friends and I had fairy wings. The things that made me weird brought me joy, regardless of how people looked at me.

I know now, after a lot of trial and error, that I’m nonbinary, an identity under the transgender umbrella — I use they/them and he/him pronouns.

I was 12 when I cut my hair, bought new clothes, and left my girlhood behind. Every time someone said my birth name or referred to me with she/her pronouns, it felt like my lungs were collapsing. I thought acknowledging my girlhood would make people think I was still a girl, so I separated myself from her to get to know myself better.

When the world shut down for COVID-19, there was no society to act out gender for. I stopped cutting my hair, and over two years it grew to the longest it had been since I was 12. I liked it. It reminded me not of the discomfort I had once associated with my girlhood. Instead, the freedom and delicateness of French braiding my hair again was like coming home, back to the kitchen table where my mom taught me how to braid.

Now, I am confident enough in myself that I can look at my girlhood and acknowledge what she taught me. The wonder that allowed my imagination to roam free still lingers.

My girlhood was about experiencing the simple joys of life and being your unfiltered self. Although things are more complicated now, stripping life back to the wonder and dreams of my youth remains a staple of my self-discovery and growth.

I am exceedingly privileged in the scope of trans people’s experiences, being that I’m white, have a supportive family, and live in a state where my rights are protected, but I am scared of what’s to come. Anti-trans rhetoric is gaining traction across the country, and calls for the eradication of trans people.

The girl I used to be never backed down from a challenge, and neither will I. She taught me to fight, to be loud, to be bizarre.

I gained wonder and determination from my girlhood — what did you learn from yours?

With a Perspective, I’m Oliver River Satalich.

Oliver River Satalich is a journalism student and a newspaper opinion editor.