It was always a challenge communicating with my parents. I managed by speaking on a “need to know only basis” that was part Cantonese and English, what I call Chinglish. However, I always wished I could speak more fluidly with my parents. There was so much I wanted to know about their lives and tell them about mine. But I ultimately just resigned myself to the unchangeable reality that I’d never be what my parents wanted me to be. Then something unexpected happened.
My mother, over 90 years old now, and I just celebrated my son getting married to a wonderful person from Hong Kong. My new daughter-in-law makes it a point to visit my mom and can speak to her in her native tongue, fluent Cantonese. Even though she is not from the China my mom left over 70 years ago, they’re able to share an inherent vibe of familiarity and resonance that need not be spoken but felt. It was beyond language. I thought to myself, “She is what mom wanted us to be.” They spoke like long lost friends. My mom was telling her things about her life and about my childhood that I never heard before.
I always felt that I reminded my mom about a loss of her culture of origin, whereas, my new daughter-in-law represents a rapprochement back to home in a way. This has brought my mom comfort in knowing that there will be some continuity of being Chinese in this next generation. It is also heartening that in my mom’s last years, being more Chinese than American has returned to our family.
I guess it’s never too late to get to know one’s mom. For that I’m grateful.
With a Perspective, I’m Larry Lee.
Larry Lee is a San Francisco psychotherapist.
