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Lauren Vuong: Grief and the Ribbon of Life

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A Buddhist ritual helps Lauren Vuong cope with the passing of her father.

I was maneuvering traffic during the bomb cyclone when I remembered how my late father would call me exactly when it was most inconvenient to talk.  I used to be annoyed, but today, my tears flowed even as I smiled at the memory.

I recently attended a Buddhist funeral where each attendant held a ribbon and the monk, chanting prayers, cut that ribbon to signify the end of ties with the deceased. This ritual is supposed to be liberating for both the living and the deceased, to release each other of, literally, all strings in this material world. The severance of ties was as visceral as it was metaphoric.

I learned that the highest honor a Buddhist can give another person on their passing is a clean slate: neither person owes the other anything. The deceased may go in peace, a clean transition without any constraints of karmic debt or attachment. If this rite had been performed at my dad’s funeral, I am sure would not let the monk cut my string; I was not prepared to let him go.

We scattered his ashes on a hot windless day. When it was my turn, I silently said, “I’m letting you go. Please transition in peace and know that I love you and miss you every day.” At that precise moment, the most gentle breeze picked up and blew some ashes onto my hand. He was speaking to me, letting me know that he is with me not because I am holding on, but because he will always be with me- in bad traffic, in pouring rain, he will always be with me.

I used to think that I had to suppress the sadness in order to move on. Now I know that it is a reflection of the intense bond my dad and I shared. So when the tears burn, I let them fall.  They are not tears of sadness, but tears of love. In this life, the metaphorical ribbon that bonded us may have been severed by death, but I hope that there is another realm where we will meet, remember each other, and love each other again.

With a Perspective, I am Lauren Vuong.

Lauren Vuong is an attorney in San Francisco.

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