Ah, love. Eternal. Binding. Great when you’re in it. Often supremely irritating to look at when you’re not. If you find yourself lacking relationship inspiration as we approach this year’s Valentine’s Day, please consider this a heart-shaped candy box from us to you. Ten couples from San Francisco history who just can’t help but remind us that relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.
Photos of Weird Victorian Couples to Ruin Your Valentine’s Day
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Please now gaze upon their perplexed, dejected faces and imagine the stilted conversations that occurred before and after these portraits were taken. May they stand as a reminder that sometimes, being alone is better than being saddled with someone else…
Up first! Look at this duo from 1890. Gaze deep into their eyes and ponder the souls within. An abyss of darkness.
Ah, to be visiting the Cliff House with this cheery couple from 1900.
Then there are these two from 1900, in the middle of paying a visit to the Haight Street Chutes (a giant waterslide, ridden in a flat-bottomed boat that existed between 1895 and 1902). What a barrel of laughs they’re having!
Our next couple is clearly having the time of their lives, yes, but look where they’re doing it — all over the rubble of the 1906 earthquake. Like raging, fork-stealing psychopaths.
I don’t want to make groundless accusations or anything but these two look like they’ve got a body hidden in their basement.
Don’t have a date this year? Please find comfort in this super-awkward double date that took place at the Premium Postal Studio at 1311 Fillmore Street in the 1910s.
These two are basically just in training for the haunting they’re going to do after they’ve crashed that car into the side of the house.
The photographer for this one really captured the unfiltered joy and unabashed closeness of this couple, didn’t he? Perfection!
Look. Victorian mourning garb was weird and all, but letting anyone leave the house with half an emu on their head is just downright cruel and unusual. Bad husbanding, bro.
Finally, there’s this wild and wacky couple from 1911. Bob’s letting his lady friend sit at the wheel of the car, sure, but you can practically hear the sound of his ego breaking under the weight of it. Clench that jaw a little tighter, my man!
Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! May you ignore everything that just happened and go find a wooden rendition of a donkey to have a cuddle on — just like these cutie pies.