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The Do List

Meet the ‘People on a Mission’ Who Want to Ban Babies on Valencia Street

Ever had a brunch interrupted by noise from an infant? Sound of baby rattles make you nervous? A new campaign needs you!
Rae Alexandra
Two flyers, each depicting a crawling baby alongside text that reads BAN BABIES ON VALENCIA and a list of reasons why babies are bad.
‘Ban Babies on Valencia’ promotional materials. (Courtesy of People on a Mission)

The Bay Area has long been home to revolutionaries, free-thinkers, and groups that banded together fearlessly to take a stand. In keeping with the daring political and social movements that have defined our region, a brand new organization recently came together to alter San Francisco public spaces in radical ways. Known as People on a Mission (POAM), their leader is the elusive but fearless Dr. Je’Rod Trumley.

Trumley and his group are currently in the middle of launching two important campaigns. The first calls on the public to recognize the infantile nature of babies and get them banned from Valencia Street in the Mission. A secondary campaign asks that we voluntarily replace all cell phones with carrier pigeons — a more ecologically sound means of communication that would also give the city’s flying rats something useful to do.

Helpfully, People on a Mission has set up a hotline for the public to utilize as its movements unfold. When interested parties call 415-466-3291, there are four options to choose from. Pressing 1 connects callers directly with Dr. Trumley. Pressing 2 provides details about the proposed baby ban. Pressing 3 takes you to the pigeon postmaster job assessment line. And pressing 4 will connect folks to POAM’s outreach liaison. People may also contact POAM via text message.

Since I first called the hotline, in addition to sending me information, links, photos and protest details, this noble and courageous organization also sent me a cypher that enabled me to access voicemails from other concerned citizens. “When I see babies, I get really offended because it makes me think about how they are probably going to be less of a loser than me,” one supporter said. Another complained: “All of the ladies, they don’t look at me anymore. They used to look at my muscles. Now they’re always focused on the children and how cute they are. Get these damn kids off the street. I’m sick of ’em.”

I tracked down Dr. Je’Rod Trumley to find out more about how POAM aims to enrich the lives of San Franciscans. Due to his incredibly busy schedule, we were able to communicate via email only.

Rae Alexandra: As a resident of the Mission who has had to share a sidewalk — nay, sometimes even a boutique — with a stroller, I have to say, I wholeheartedly believe in the Ban Babies on Valencia campaign. Please tell me how this bold mission came about.

Dr. Trumley: The ban of babies from Valencia is a needed action. And not one that we took lightly. But just like you are a mere baby in the light of the future so is the need to ban babies from the street. Which street? Valencia. But to be clear, it could be Any Street, USA.

San Francisco notoriously has more dog residents than child ones. With that in mind, does a citywide ban on babies feel like a realistic goal to you?

Many citizens have suggested we expand this particular mission to all of San Francisco. But then I would argue that the joy of a baby-free Valencia would be lost to a sea of same. It is critical to the future that we create uniqueness in our spaces. Banning babies from Valencia is just the kick in the pants the Mission needs to reclaim some of that spark, that je ne sais quoi that has been missing. That being said, if you want to ban bubble gum on Polk Street, we absolutely would support that cause.

Why do you think it’s taken so long for someone to come up with the idea of a baby ban?

Well, it takes Elara, our core strategist, time to triangulate end-of-society causations. But once we’ve locked in, we deploy to the field quickly through grassroots activism. When we tie together the shoe strings of society we all benefit.

Would you be willing to tell me a little about your education, Dr. Trumley?

My doctorate is honoree. I was given it after my work in the field of chronoportation [a form of time travel that sends an individual’s mind to another time]. There are about 100 of us in the not so distant future that have studied chronoportation. We all broke into small teams to stop the collapse of society.

A protest photo supplied by Dr. Je’Rod Trumley that is absolutely *not* AI-generated, no sirree, no AI here, pinky-promise… (Courtesy of People on a Mission)

I was unable to attend the Ban Babies march on City Hall, but I did get your text request to bring snacks. That message cautioned:
“WE WILL NOT ACCEPT GOLDFISH. SO PLEASE DO NOT BRING GOLDFISH CRACKERS.” Might I ask why you have such a strong aversion to Goldfish crackers?

We aren’t hypocritical at People on a Mission. We all know that Goldfish crackers attract babies. And having babies at the protest would defeat the point of our cause. It’s just simple math, dear reporter.

Thank you for sending me a photo of the protest after it was over. Do the smaller humans who attended the march realize that they are, in fact, children and therefore closer to being babies than the rest of us?

I would argue that children are the furthest thing from babies, as children yearn to grow and are curious about their world and hope to leave an impact on it. On the other hand, as time ages us, most of us become set in our ways and act helpless. Most citizens are more baby than adult.

Have you ever been confused with a cult leader?

What is a cult but an idea with a passionate voice?

A yellow flyer featuring a pigeon photo and a plea to Ditch All The Devices. There are tabs at the bottom of the sheet listing a phone number.
A ‘Pigeon Post’ promotional flyer on 16th Street in the Mission. (Rae Alexandra)

I am interested in finding out about the Pigeon Postmaster job. Is it for a postmaster who is a pigeon? Or for a human who wants to use pigeons to carry the post? Might it ever be both?

The Pigeon Post is a mission to use carrier pigeons to send messages between citizens without the prying algorithms of big tech mining your personal messages for ways to sell you goods based on your psychological weaknesses. We plan to hire out-of-work tech employees to be the postmasters who ensure your messages make it from one of our Flock Boxes to the back of a medium-sized, well-proportioned pigeon. Did you know, dear reporter, that over 40% of birds wish they were pigeons? That’s according to our scientist, Dr. Lyra Vex.

You have done a very good job of galvanizing people quickly around POAM’s causes. What is it about you, do you think, that brings people together?

It is not me. It is the mission. People are hungry for a better situation. We are lonely in our current situation. Our gadgets. Our media. Our jobs. None of it will satisfy until we all share something joyful and unique together.

To join People on a Mission or to find out more about their campaigns, call the hotline at 415-466-3291.

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